Original subtitles

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Dennis.

- Boy, are we gonna have fun.

- At, that's nice.

What are you going to do?

- We're going to play stage coach.

I'm the driver and Joey's going to be

a fierce redskin that attacks me.

Come on, redskin.

- Where are you going with the paint brush?

- I'm going to paint him red.

- Dennis, you come back here!

[music]

[phone rings]

- Hello?

Oh, yes, Mrs. Webster.

Yes, Dennis is right up in his room.

Did he do anything wrong?

That's good.

You're interested in Dennis for the community pageant?

Well, I don't think-- really?

Oh, in that case, I'm sure Dennis would love it.

- Notice how steady my hand is, Joey?

That's because I don't smoke, chew tobacco, or kiss girls.

[gunshot]

- Kissing girls is about the worst thing a cowboy can do.

Now take Whip Crawford.

There's a cowboy who would never kiss a girl.

- Dennis!

- Mom, I told ya and told ya I've changed my name to Tex.

- I'm sorry Tex.

Can I see you down here in the South 40?

DENNIS (OFFSCREEN): Coming, partner.

- And Joey, it's five minutes to 4:00.

If you expect to get home by 4 o'clock, you better hurry.

- OK.

- Bye, Joey.

- Bye.

- Bye, Joey.

- What do you want, Mom?

- Dennis, I just had a phone call from Mrs. Webster.

- Oh.

What'd she want?

- Dennis, you're standing on my feet again.

That's a very bad habit you've gotten into lately.

- Am I too heavy?

- Yes, you are.

Now.

Mrs. Webster wants to talk to you

about being in the community pageant.

- Oh no, not me!

I wouldn't do it for $1 million.

- All right, it's up to you.

You don't have to.

- That's good, cause I don't want to.

- I think you will when you find out

who else is going to be in it.

- I don't wanna be-- who?

- Who's your favorite TV cowboy?

- Whip Crawford.

Is Whip Crawford gonna be in it?

- That's what Mrs. Webster said.

- Boy, man, Whip Crawford.

Boy, am I glad I'm gonna be in that good old pageant.

- Now wait a minute Hold on.

Mrs. Webster's just going to come talk to you about it.

It isn't settled yet.

- Well why isn't it settled?

Why not?

- Because Mrs. Webster is going to talk to lots of little boys.

She wants to find just the right one.

So you must be very polite.

- Boy, I sure hope she picks me.

- Mrs. Webster is a very dignified lady.

So you must be careful of what you say.

Now, why don't you go upstairs and clean up a little.

- OK.

I'll wash my hands and face.

And neck and ears.

- That's a good boy.

- You know what?

I think I'll even take a whole bath.

- That's nice, but you'd better hurry.

She'll be here at 5 o'clock.

- OK.

I'll use a bar of soap in each hand.

- Ouch.

Ouch.

- Hi, Dennis.

- Hi, Dad, guess what.

I took a bath.

Seems funny not to be going to bed.

- I understand Mrs. Webster coming over to see you.

- Sure.

She's gonna see me about being in the pageant

with Whip Crawford.

- Dennis, you're standing on my foot again.

- Am I too heavy?

- Well, not for me.

But I want to warn you not to stand on Mrs. Webster's foot.

She might not like it.

- OK, Dad.

- Let's see now, where were we?

- We were talking about baths.

Mom took one too.

- Well, good for her.

- Why don't you take one?

- Well, I don't think I have time.

Besides, I just came up here to give you

a couple of pointers on how to make a good impression.

- Oh, I know how to make a good impression, Dad.

I learned from you.

- I'm glad to hear that. - Sure.

It's like when you're boss comes to dinner.

I'm gonna do the same thing with Mrs. Webster.

Everything she says, I'm gonna laugh real loud and say,

"That's a good one, Mrs. Webster."

- You'll do no such thing.

You just be polite, act natural, and don't

stand on Mrs. Webster's foot.

- OK, Dad.

- Where's your tie?

Oh, there's one thing I want to warn you.

Don't say anything about Mrs. Webster's weight.

- Oh, is she fat? - Well, yes.

But if you mention it, it'll hurt her feelings.

- OK Dad.

Did you warn Mom?

- Yes, everybody's been warned.

Oh, and one thing more.

Your mother will be serving something.

So because careful.

- You mean spilling?

- I mean spilling.

- OK Dad.

But you better tell her not to give me any milk,

cause I've been having a lot of trouble with milk lately.

- More tea, Mrs. Webster?

- Oh, thank you, Mrs. Mitchell.

- Well, here I am.

- Dennis, this is Mrs. Webster.

- How do you do, Mrs. Webster?

- Hello, Dennis.

My, don't you look nice?

- This is my Sunday suit.

- It's very good looking.

- Everything I have on is clean and I'm

wearing my new underwear.

- That's enough about your clothes, Dennis.

- I took a bath just before you came.

So did Mom.

And you ought to see the tub.

She didn't have time to clean it.

- Dennis.

- Dad didn't have time to take a bath.

But he took a shower this morning, so he's not too dirty.

- Dennis.

- Why don't you come over here so we can get to know each other?

- All right.

- Careful, Dennis.

- Why, is something the matter?

- She's afraid I'm going to stand on your foot.

- Oh, oh I see.

Oh, oh.

Would you like my dish of ice cream?

I haven't touched it.

- I'm afraid it's too close to dinner.

- Um, much too close.

- They're afraid I might spill it on you.

- Oh, I see.

Well I'm sure you'll be very, very careful.

Of course, my dress has just come back from the cleaners.

- OK, Mom?

- OK.

- Just be careful.

- Oh, watch out! - Henry!

- I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Webster.

That was very clumsy of me.

- Boy, and he's over 30.

- Well, accidents will happen, apparently.

- Why don't you tell us more about the pageant,

Mrs. Webster?

- The-- the pageant?

Oh, oh, oh yes. Yes.

The-- the pageant.

Well, it depicts the settling of our town and the fighting

off the Indians.

And I-- I wrote it myself.

- How nice.

Where is it going to be held?

- I was fortunate enough to get the Kirkwood Playhouse.

- Oh, you don't say?

- Yes it-- it took quite a bit of doing.

- I'm sure you didn't have any trouble.

After all, you carry a great deal

of weight in this community.

- I thought we weren't going to talk about that.

- Talk about what?

- She didn't mean it, Mrs. Webster.

It just slipped out.

- What slipped out?

- What she said about you being fat.

- Dennis, you misunderstood your mother.

- Who else around here is fat?

- Dennis, I didn't mean anything like that at all.

- Tell us more about the pageant, Mrs. Webster.

- I'm looking for a little boy to play

the part of the town founder's son.

Mr. Whip Crawford is going to play the part of the founder.

You know, I was his third grade school teacher.

- Really?

- Yes.

Oh yes.

So, last month when I heard he was coming

to town for personal appearances,

I telephoned his studio, and he agreed

to appear in our pageant.

- You were very lucky to get such a busy actor.

- He's not an actor.

He's a cowboy.

Do I get to be in it?

- Well--

- I sure wanna be.

I wanna be in that pageant with Whip Crawford

more than anything in the whole world.

- Well, it's between you and Johnny Brady.

- I'll tell you what you do.

You come to the Playhouse tomorrow at 10 o'clock

and I'll try you both out.

- Gee, that's swell, Mrs. Webster.

- All right.

Thank you.

- I-- I'm so sorry about spilling my tea on your dress.

I hope you'll allow me to pay for the cleaning.

- Certainly not.

I wouldn't think of it.

- That's very big of you.

- There you go, talking about her size again.

- Dennis, that isn't what I meant.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Webster.

- Good afternoon.

- Well, I behaved pretty good, but I certainly

don't know what got into you two.

- All right, now children.

Let's get started to work, shall we?

Oh, Johnny dear, have you seen Dennis?

- No, Mrs. Webster.

Does that mean I get the part?

- We'll see, dear.

We'll see.

Now then, where are the Indians?

Indians! Oh, oh, all right boys.

Come on now. Get away from those guns.

Get away from those guns. That's it.

Now, listen boys.

I think perhaps you could start practicing your war whoop.

[yelling]

- Please, please.

Quietly, so as not to disturb the others.

All right now, off into the wooded area.

We'll get started pretty soon now when Mr. Crawford comes.

Girls, over here into the cabin area.

That's it.

There you are.

Fine, fine now.

Let's see.

- Psst.

MRS. WEBSTER - (OFFSCREEN): - This is a window.

Now Indians start--

- What do you want?

- I want to be in the pageant with Whip Crawford.

- So what?

So do I.

- But I want to be in it bad enough to give this for it.

- What is it?

- It's my own personal turtle.

- Oh, now children.

While we're waiting for Mr. Crawford to come,

I'm going to show you what you're supposed to do.

Come here, Indians.

Now, now listen boys.

Come here, come here.

That's right.

When I give you a signal, I want you

to start creeping on your hands and knees toward the cabin.

Creep, creep, creep.

Oh, and girls, of course you're terribly frightened.

So you go up here and cower in this corner.

You know?

You're really frightened.

And your brother is here helping your brave father keep off

the Indians by loading the muskets.

And remember, realism.

Realism.

Oh, oh.

Johnny!

Johnny Brady!

We'll start with you first.

- Johnny's decided that he doesn't want to be in it,

so do I get the part?

- Well, I-- I guess so, but for pity's sake,

whatever made him change his mind?

- Well, he doesn't like Whip Crawford quite as much

as he does turtles.

- Well partner, I'd be mighty proud to give you my autograph.

Well, it's like we say when we're out riding the range.

If a cowpoke won't give his autographed to a friend, well,

what kind of a man is he?

Partners, I want to think of all of you as my friend.

- Gee, thanks Whip.

And I'm going keep tuning in every Friday night.

- You do that, son.

I've got some might exciting adventures coming up.

If my blame writers can think of them.

Oh, wee, my feet hurt.

Oh kids, you can have them.

These personal appearances are killing me.

Know what I'm going to do til them reporters get up here?

I'm just gonna soak my poor little old feet.

- What about the pageant you agreed

to appear in for that Mrs. Webster?

- Well Mrs. Webster can go soak her little old head.

Oh, my feet are killing me.

You know, I think sensitive feet run in my family.

My maw had sensitive feet.

- Will you forget about your feet?

And you can't run out on the pageant.

The press would tear you to pieces.

- You just let me handle them reporters.

I'll swear I never heard of Mrs. Webster and her old pageant.

- Ah, now then.

Everybody to your places.

Boys, out into the woods.

Girls, into the cabin.

That's it, that's it.

- Are we gonna start without Whip Crawford?

- Well, evidently Mr. Crawford has been detained.

So we'll go through it once, and I'll

play his part while we're waiting for him.

- Jeepers, Mrs. Webster, you?

- Yes, me.

- Now children, this is a window.

And I am shooting at the Indians.

And Dennis is loading the muskets.

Oh Dennis, do you know how?

- Sure I know how, from watching TV.

Where are the gun powder and the bullets?

- Oh no, no dear.

We-- we're not really going to load, you know.

This-- this is just make believe.

Now Indians, start creeping toward the cabin.

That's right.

Creep.

Cower, girls.

All right, creep, creep, creep.

Now then.

I'll start shooting.

Bang!

Get me another loaded musket, Dennis.

Before they get here.

Oh.

All right, boys.

All right Indians.

Creep, creep, bang!

Cower, girls.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Webster, but you're banging.

- I beg your pardon?

- You're banging.

You gotta kapow!

- I gotta what?

- When you shoot, you gotta go kapow, like that.

Kapow.

- Kapow?

Oh, oh, kapow.

Oh, all right.

All right now, Indians.

Once again.

Start creeping toward us.

That's it, that's it. Kapow!

Oh, Indians, you're not doing it right at all.

Now you must act like Indians.

You must think like Indians.

You must be Indians.

- Excuse me, Mrs. Webster, but I gotta

friend that's a very good Indian, so I know how.

Would you like me to tell them how to creep up on us right?

- Well, all right, Dennis.

All right.

- Come on, fellas.

Look.

What kind of an Indian would go right up to a window

and get shot?

Indians were plenty smart, boys.

- Hurry up, Dennis.

- OK, Mrs. Webster.

You want this to be a surprise attack?

- All right, make it a surprise.

- Now we want to do this good for Mrs. Webster.

So instead of doing it like dumb Indians from the front,

you guys sneak around back and come up behind Mrs. Webster.

OK?

- Well, are they all ready?

- They sure are, Mrs. Webster.

- Good, let's get started.

And remember everybody, realism.

Realism.

All right now Indians, come on.

Ah, creep.

Indians!

Indians, where are you?

- They're creeping, Mrs. Webster.

- Well, I don't see them.

- It's a surprise attack.

- Well, for heaven's sake, where are they?

- Well, come on, you guys!

[yelling]

- I guess the Indians won, huh Mrs. Webster?

- That's perfectly ridiculous.

The Indians can't win.

Where in the world is that Whip Crawford

so we can get this thing done right?

- That's what I'd like to know.

- Well, I'm going to telephone his hotel.

- Come on, Whip, get your feet out of the water,

get your boots on, we can't keep the press waiting.

- I'm thinking about meeting them barefoot.

- Put your boots on, please.

- What if I just wore my slippers?

I'll explain to them reporters that I got very sensitive feet.

- Now that would be just dandy.

What a story they'd make out of that.

I can just see it.

Whip Crawford revealed as tender foot.

Boy, they'd laugh you off the TV screens.

- All right.

All right.

[phone rings]

- Hello?

He can't come to the phone.

This is his manager speak-- his man-- rehearsal?

What rehearsal?

Oh, you must be mistaken Mrs. Webster.

If Whip Crawford had agreed to appear,

I'm sure he would have told me about it.

Positively impossible, lady.

Whip Crawford is having a press conference.

- Dennis, stop brooding and eat your lunch.

- You should have heard what Mrs. Webster said about him.

She said she called him up and he wouldn't even talk to her.

- Did she say why?

- Mrs. Webster says it's because he's gotten a big head.

You know what I told her?

I told her you gotta have one to fill a ten-gallon hat.

- True, true.

- I bet I could go down there and talk to him,

he'd be in our pageant. - You better forget it, Dennis.

You couldn't get within shouting distance.

- And then, this little old raggedy shirt kid

looked up at me with them big, brown eyes

and said, "Paper, mister?"

And I said to him, "Son, where are your folks?"

And the he said, "I'm an orphan.

Paper, mister?"

Well, you can imagine how I felt.

I mean, after all, how much money

can a kid make from selling one paper?

Half cent?

Penny at the most.

So I said to him, "Boy, how many papers you got left there?"

And he counted them very carefully.

He said, "Six."

Well, sir, I just bought them all.

And it was worth it just to see that boy's face light up.

- Whip loves children.

- Oh, yes I do.

Say, when's that coffee coming up here for our friends?

- See about it right away.

- Jeepers, it would only take a minute.

- Not a chance.

Whip Crawford has given special orders

he's not to be bothered by any kids.

[phone rings]

- Mister!

- Shh.

Desk.

Why, yes sir.

I passed the order on to room service.

But-- oh, I'm sorry sir.

Tell Mr. Crawford his coffee will be up any minute.

- Was that Whip Crawford's room?

- Yes, it was.

Now, will you run along little boy?

I have things to do.

- I bet they take Whip Crawford's coffee

up in that elevator right over there, won't they?

- Why, of course not.

They use the service elevator in the back.

- And when I get a little more loot in my old saddle bag,

I'm gonna set up a home for boys like that,

so they can breathe clean air, they can learn to ride a horse

and handle cattle and bulldog a steer.

Things like that.

So they'll be prepared later on in life,

if they get a TV show of their own.

- Maybe the Western cycle be over by then, Mr. Crawford.

- You hold on there now, mister.

We'll always have Westerns.

Westerns are clean TV, and they teach the American way.

[knock on door]

- Well, that must be the coffee now.

Oh, come on in.

- Ah, much obliged to you, partner.

Yes, sir.

And here's a little something for your trouble.

- Thank you, sir.

- All right, partners.

Pile up around this here chuck wagon

and grab yourself a hunk of that there coffee.

- Excuse me, Whip, but I gotta talk to you.

- Where'd you come from?

- I came up in the service elevator to see you.

- Just what did you want to see him about?

- Oh, you don't want to get him started.

This kind of thing happens all the time.

- Come on, kid, out in the hall.

- They told me downstairs that you

didn't want to be bothered by kids.

But I know that's wrong, because you love them.

- He does, he does.

- I love kids.

Well, I'll shake your hand and give your my autograph,

and then you run on downstairs.

Huh, partner?

- Am I your partner?

- Why, sure you are.

We'll shake hands and then I'll give you my autograph.

Partner, you're standing too close.

- You know what I came up to talk to you about, partner?

- What?

- I came up to talk to you about--

- Careful partner.

- Being in the pageant.

- Oh!

Son!

- I like it better when you call me partner.

- Well partner, you've just got to move back a little bit.

- What's the matter, Whip?

You got sore feet?

- Well--

- Certainly not.

- Heck no.

Whip's the toughest cowboy in the whole world.

Aren't ya, partner?

- Well, you bet your life.

Wouldn't you like to go and sit in that nice, big chair,

partner?

- I'm not tired.

He's so full of muscles that it didn't even

hurt him when they tied him up with barbed wired.

Right, partner?

- Now kid, what do you want to talk to me about?

- The pageant you promised to be in for Mrs. Webster.

- Partner, you're on my--

- I'm on your foot, aren't I?

And it doesn't hurt at all, does it?

- Well--

- I bet I could stand here all day

and it wouldn't hurt, cause he's so tough.

Right, partner?

- Well--

- Right.

- Oh, talk fast, son.

- Well, it all started when Mrs. Webster called my mom

and wanted to know if I wanted to be in the pageant.

First I said no.

- Faster, kid.

- Then I heard that you were gonna

be in it, so I said I would.

Then I went to the rehearsal and you weren't there.

- Ah son, can't you make this just a little bit shorter?

- Is Whip backing out on our pageant?

- Heck no.

That's what Mrs. Webster said, but I know she's wrong.

When Whip Crawford gives his word, he keeps it.

- What about the pageant, Whip?

- I plum forgot, about it.

Oh partner, you just gotta stand back a little bit.

So I got room enough to stand up.

Lawrence, you're slipping.

You should have reminded me about that there pageant.

- Are we going right now?

- Well, we sure are, partner.

- Can we walk out the way me and my dad do it?

- Why, sure we

- Wait a minute.

We do it like this.

I stand on his feet.

Now walk.

[music]