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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,960 My mother said she wished I was never born. 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:05,660 I looked at her, offered a small smile, and walked away. 3 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:09,580 Tears slipped down my face, but at least she didn't see them. 4 00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,860 Mom got pregnant at 16. 5 00:00:12,340 --> 00:00:13,880 She wanted to abort me. 6 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:18,600 Raising a child while she was still a child herself and poor, it would have 7 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,660 too much. But I refused to leave. 8 00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:25,320 Stubborn, unyielding, no drug, no concoction worked. 9 00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:28,900 It must have felt like I had a vendetta against her. 10 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:33,280 Even when she tried to leave me at the fire station, I screamed so loud she 11 00:00:33,280 --> 00:00:34,280 carried me back. 12 00:00:34,780 --> 00:00:40,040 From then on, I followed her around like a shadow, a reminder, a burden she 13 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,080 could never set down. 14 00:00:41,320 --> 00:00:47,620 My existence made everything heavier for her. She felt like Jesus, like she had 15 00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:49,380 to die so that I might live. 16 00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:54,940 And with no one to help, her life became only this, working and caring for me. 17 00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,420 But working wasn't enough, caring wasn't enough. 18 00:00:59,070 --> 00:01:03,890 life drained her dry so she reached for bottles instead of hope for smoke 19 00:01:03,890 --> 00:01:09,230 instead of prayers for silence instead of conversation i watched her drink her 20 00:01:09,230 --> 00:01:15,930 life away slowly almost daily and i believed it was my fault everything was 21 00:01:15,930 --> 00:01:22,430 fault her frustration her bitterness all traced back to my existence and so i 22 00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:26,780 learned guilt before i learned math I carried shame before I carried books. 23 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:32,020 I wore responsibility like hand -me -down clothes, too big for me, but mine 24 00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:37,140 the same. I swore I'd never love her, or at least I'd try to stop loving her, 25 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:41,940 because loving her hurt too much. But love is a stubborn shadow. 26 00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:45,820 No matter how many times I turned away, it followed me. 27 00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:51,520 Every once in a while, on my birthdays, she cupped my face in her hands. 28 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,660 looked at me as if I were holy and whispered that she loved me, and I 29 00:01:56,660 --> 00:02:01,440 believe her, wanted to hold on to those words like life rafts in a storm. 30 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:07,120 But storms don't end with whispers, and her love came and went like passing 31 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:12,640 weather. I never understood her, or her kind of loving, so I swore I'd never be 32 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:17,660 like her. I swore I'd never let my child feel unwanted, unworthy, unloved. 33 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:21,580 I swore I'd never pass down the silence, the shame, the scars. 34 00:02:22,080 --> 00:02:23,680 I swore I'd be different. 35 00:02:24,340 --> 00:02:26,320 Until I got pregnant at 16. 3258