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My mother said she wished I was never
born.
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I looked at her, offered a small smile,
and walked away.
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Tears slipped down my face, but at least
she didn't see them.
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Mom got pregnant at 16.
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She wanted to abort me.
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Raising a child while she was still a
child herself and poor, it would have
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too much. But I refused to leave.
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Stubborn, unyielding, no drug, no
concoction worked.
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It must have felt like I had a vendetta
against her.
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Even when she tried to leave me at the
fire station, I screamed so loud she
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carried me back.
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From then on, I followed her around like
a shadow, a reminder, a burden she
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could never set down.
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My existence made everything heavier for
her. She felt like Jesus, like she had
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to die so that I might live.
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And with no one to help, her life became
only this, working and caring for me.
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But working wasn't enough, caring wasn't
enough.
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life drained her dry so she reached for
bottles instead of hope for smoke
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instead of prayers for silence instead
of conversation i watched her drink her
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life away slowly almost daily and i
believed it was my fault everything was
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fault her frustration her bitterness all
traced back to my existence and so i
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learned guilt before i learned math I
carried shame before I carried books.
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I wore responsibility like hand -me
-down clothes, too big for me, but mine
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the same. I swore I'd never love her, or
at least I'd try to stop loving her,
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because loving her hurt too much. But
love is a stubborn shadow.
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No matter how many times I turned away,
it followed me.
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Every once in a while, on my birthdays,
she cupped my face in her hands.
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looked at me as if I were holy and
whispered that she loved me, and I
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believe her, wanted to hold on to those
words like life rafts in a storm.
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But storms don't end with whispers, and
her love came and went like passing
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weather. I never understood her, or her
kind of loving, so I swore I'd never be
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like her. I swore I'd never let my child
feel unwanted, unworthy, unloved.
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I swore I'd never pass down the silence,
the shame, the scars.
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I swore I'd be different.
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Until I got pregnant at 16.
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