All language subtitles for Un Matrimonio Mostruoso (2023) WebDL 1080p.en

I-\ FREAKING WEDDING

Human friends, monster friends...

I'm here to bury Nando,
not to praise him. Greedy...

ETERNALLY RESOLVED

unscrupulous, insensitive.

That's how Nando was.

Of course, he also had his flaws.

He was my half-brother,
so I knew him well.

But being his attorney,
I knew him even better.

Litigations, reports, trials...

All statute-barred, modestly speaking.

I share his beautiful wife's grief.

This is how we want to remember him:
carefree and cheerful.

Pridefully immortalizing himself on his
last building site was fatal for him.

Life can be cynical and deceiving.

A concrete mixer parked downhill.

An infamous flow of concrete...

and goodbye Nando.

- Bye.
- What's left of you, Nando?

This concrete coffin...

a Hurry same...

and a load of debts.

And it pains me to think

that yet another slander accompanies you
on your last journey.

Slander...

A fortune you supposedly purloined
from the tax authority.

36,486,027 euros.

What fortune? What are we talking about?

The only wealth is a family
which is now torn apart.

We share their pain
in this sad moment of grief. Excuse me.

Oh, please!

-I wonder where Nando is right now.
- He's probably already in paradise.

- But which one? Did he tell ya?
- No.

Let's call him.

Hello? You can't imagine
how much we laughed at the funeral.

Everyone fell for it, Nando.

- Sole, is that you?
-Yeah.

What are you doing there?

Why is my sister with my husband?

- Why is my wife with my brother?
- Whatever.

Nando, do you want to tell them?

No way, are you kidding? You talk to them.

Sole, listen, I swear...
Are ya cheating on us?

Yeah.

Tell us where you are!

They want our current location.

Give it here. I'll give them our location.

Hey, guys, you want to know our location?
Here it is, that's it. Bye.

- He hung up.
-I can't believe it.

I can't believe it,
my brother ran off with my wife.

I can't believe it,
my husband ran off with the money.

I made a huge mistake.

It's fine he played dead
to dodge his creditors,

but to send him ahead with the money?

That's a huge, unforgivable mistake!

You're right. But I meant a mistake
I made a long time ago.

What mistake?

I married the wrong sister.

Ya hitting on me?

Now? Is this the time
to talk about these things?

Hey, do you realize what you did?

This situation has opened my eyes, Stella.

Now you've opened...
Couldn't you have opened them earlier?

You ruined us! You ruined us!

I don't feel well...

Darling, don't you think
you're eating too much lately?

Well, a bit of violation
on special occasions is allowed, isn't it?

Yes, I must admit that certain funerals
stimulate my appetite.

Then let's celebrate.

It's too hot today...

Why?!

Why?! Why?!

These humans, never appreciate fortunes...

What fortunes, my dear?

At least she's a widow now.

Why did you do this to me, Nando?

Why? Why?

- Why?
- The fuck I know?

Because I betrayed you?
Once, twice, whatever...

Anyone would have done that,
look at yourself.

But that was not fair, Nando... Why?

Why?

Come here, come here.

Stand up. Come here,
you need to be strong. Strong!

Because you have to give me back

all the money
I lent to your motherfucking husband.

50,000 euros.

He said, "It's the deal of my life,
you gotta help me."

What a rotten fink.

No use crying 'cause I want it all back.

With interest, alright?

Because when it comes to business,
I don't give a shit about anyone.

Dad, I'm your daughter,
what are you talking about?

You're my daughter, sure. I'm not going
to have someone break your legs.

Alright, I'll make it 10%
instead of 25%. Come on.

You've always been daddy's girl.

When he lent me money
to get my boobs done,

he made me pay 25% interest.

Your boobs?
You got your boobs done twice.

The first time wasn't enough,
so in the end I paid for four boobs!

With my money, with my sweat! Enough!

Go to work!
Everyone's on my shoulders! Enough!

You're giving the kids a great example!
Well done!

Come to daddy, come.
Let's get you a glass of water.

I want a glass of wine and gazzosa.

"Eternally absolved."

Mom, it's so damn boring here
at uncle's funeral. When are we leaving?

Hugo, honey pie, not today.

It's impolite
to walk away from uncle's funeral.

What does he care? He's dead anyway.

Damn you.

Alright,
I'll go bust my cousin's balls then.

Are yoll flying?

You know vampires don't cry.

Don't make me regret I transformed you.

Sorry.

Listen, what's the big deal anyway?

Even when he was alive,
your father never considered you.

Well, you're right.

Thanks.

Who's that?

Are you crazy?

My cousin, Hugo. I haven't seen him
in a long time. He's nice.

Hey, fatso,
you're gonna bust that swing.

You're such a cutie.

You let this brat treat you like that?

Infant...

You're really asking for it.

Don't you know he's a vampire?

Who, fatso? Since when?

Oh, you don't believe it,
you damn earthworm?

Ivano, give him a lesson.

I can't use my powers.

It's unfair.

Oh, you can't?

What a shame...

But I can use mine.

You fatso. Let me go get the ball.

You sempiternal moron,
why didn't you pull them out before?

I bit my tongue.

Orfeo, my hair! Stop pulling them!

Ouch, Nicholas, stop it!
I'm full of holes!

-You just sit there?
- Darling, what do you mean?

I armoured the stroller,
I bought you the taser...

Put them down if you're tired.

-You could at least give me a hand.
- Sweetheart, I'm eating grapes.

Adalbeno!

Alright. A bit of peace... Give him to me.

Come to daddy, little beast.
Don't worry, here we are, look.

We'll sit down here...

- I'll get something to drink.
- I'll come with you.

What about the twins?
Someone needs to watch them.

Uncle, can you keep an eye on them?
We're going to grab a drink.

No, not in that sense, uncle.
Otherwise, they'll eat it.

You're a real idiot.

Leaving them with a guy
who takes everything literally

because he misses half brain?

You know uncle's sensitive.
You're tactless.

Now I'm even tactless?
I'm going to get a drink.

What shall we do? Tell them the truth?
I can't tell them their father's dead.

Yeah, sure, the truth. "Your father
stole everything and ran away."

A bit of respect for Nando,
at least now that he's dead.

You're right.

Cut it out with that ball!
Come here. I'm going to pop it!

- Go ahead.
-You're even answering?

Don't you dare!
If I catch you, I'll whack you!

-You'll never catch me.
-You thug!

Aren't you ashamed
of answering like that?

How could you raise such a boor?
Who did he get such behaviour from?

From his grandfather.

I'm going to whack you too now.
I'm at a higher level, look at me.

Father is so lovely.

Really lovely.

Ya know what?

We're going to hang in there.

The more they try to bring us down,
the stronger we get. That's how we are.

I'll do like my father when my mom
dumped him because he was broke.

He didn't lose heart.

He quietly rolled up his sleeves,
put his nose to the grindstone and worked.

He lent money on usury
so he could fill our bellies.

All the legs and fingers
he had to break...

I remember him in the morning,
when he prepared coffee and milk for us,

his knuckles still covered in blood...

What do people know about that?

I'm like my father.

I'm not going down.

Listen, Stella, while we're at it...

now that Nando has left us
in this situation,

you can't be by yourself.

Well, that's obvious.

You need a man next to you, who loves you.

A rich man. He needs to be rich.

No more empty words,
we already have an empty bank account.

But money isn't everything, Stella.

In fact, we also had stocks,
bonds, bearer of securities!

He took everything, damn him!

- Madame, I know it's not the moment...
-Yes, right.

If you don't pay off
your debts with our bank,

we'll have to take away your house.

Immediately.

If you give me time, Director,
I've prepared a repayment plan.

Time is the only thing we don't have.

So, either you pay up or we'll have
to bring the ledgers to court.

Excuse me. You, yes, you.

How dare you talk of vile money
in such a circumstance?

- Who is this?
- Don't interfere, please.

May I introduce myself?

I'm Count Vladimiro
of the Obscure Torture. Enchanté.

Sorry for interrupting.

But if I'm not mistaken,
the Director was just telling the lady...

that her company is flourishing...

and that you want
to renew the credit line, right?

Your company is flourishing

and we're willing
to renew the credit line.

Well, well, very well.

You may leave now. Go.

What a turkey.

Thank you. I could introduce you
to a lot of cred... to a lot of people.

Thank you very much.

It's a pleasure, my dear.

You can ask whatever you like.
Alright? If you'll excuse me...

Thank you.

Tukey? Jump!

Remo, would you give me a rose?

- Just one? I'll give you all of them.
- No, I just need one.

Here.

What were you saying before?
That I need a man?

Yes.

You're right.

This scent...

It's you...

Rh negative. Extremely rare.

Such platelets, such a blood count
and what blood cells.

Firm blood cells, like a 20-year-old girl.

It's been centuries
since I last tasted such blood.

Stop it, you're embarrassing me
with all these compliments.

We need to meet again,
but not with all these people around.

Just tell me when and where.

- Vladimiro.
- Yes, mon pet it chou?

Let's go. We've outstayed our welcome.
We'll let you rest.

On y va?

I was comforting her, poor girl.

She's surrounded by creditors
who want to bleed her dry.

You seem strange. Did you drink?

Darling,
I haven't sucked a drop in ages, come on.

What?

What are you doing?
You discarded an ace of hearts?

- Well?
-You're letting me scoring points.

You're right, sorry.
I'm not really with it today.

What's wrong with everyone?

Lately, even V
adimiro's head
is always in the clouds.

I didn't expect he'd have
such an interest in his grandsons.

He's always with the twins.
He's never there.

You're not jealous, are ya?

I mean, if he's always with the twins,
there's no need to be jealous...

What are you doing? Cagliostro, come here!

The fan's throwing a tantrum today.

-You have something...
- Where?

- Your lip, it's...
- It's nothing.

What were we saying?

- I mean, you're not jealous, right?
- Of course not.

Vlad is a vampire only by name.

Soon he won't even be able
to stick out his canine teeth anymore.

- Good one.
- Who wants an antique like him?

Probably just a peripatetic woman...

Why pathetic?

Peri-patetic.
a streetwalker, a woman of ill-repute.

Oh, a bit... I-\ bitch?

Yes, a woman
who wants to get her hands on his fortune.

Get off! He's attached to my neck.

Cagliostro, I'll turn you to ashes!

Listen, speaking about your fortune...

how much we talking about?

I don't know.

A couple of treasures,
a couple of crusades,

a couple of castles,
a couple of estates...

-A couple?
-Yes.

I was just thinking...

Castles are quoted
around 3,000 per square meter...

How much are yours?
13,000 square meters?

I don't know... 22,790.

Where are you going?
Cagliostro, you damn cat!

I shouldn't have transformed you!

Brunilde, can I ask ya something?

From woman to woman,
it hardly ever happens to be...

If you caught Vladimiro
with another woman...

what would you do to him?

That makes ya laugh, huh? Me too.

What I'd do to him?

What I'm about to do to this spiteful fan.

Doctor Frankenstein,
thank you for seeing me, unannounced.

It's no problem at all.

What's bothering you?

It's a strange period,
I feel nervous, cranky...

and have a great loss of libido.

What? I didn't understand.
A great loss of libido and...?

Nervous and cranky.

Nervous, cranky and a loss of libido.

Well, the seven-century itch
is common in many couples.

But it's not a problem.

Frankie?

She's my assistant, Topa.

- Topa.
- She's an elf.

And he is...?

- He's dead.
- He's dead.

-When?
- Just now.

He died just now.
But that's not a problem.

That's what he always says:
"It's not a problem."

Please, Topa, can you let us work?
Thank you.

Of course, Frankie.

He doesn't want to be disturbed
when he's working.

At home, instead...

Be careful,
when he says it's not a problem...

Topa,dankesch6n.

Yes.

So, you were saying?

- I'm always hungry.
- Ja.

And I get hot flashes.

And then,
you probably haven't noticed, but...

my upper lip has sudden movements.

- See?
- No, you can't tell.

Absolutely.

Well, doctor, what do you think?
Is it serious?

I reserve myself the possibility
to perform further analyses.

But at a first...

Nein! Nein!

You can't use that brain.

No, you can't have it.

It's part of my private collection.

A collection of brains of the greatest
artists of the 20th century.

They're unique and very rare.

No, it's not your thing.

You already got a new brain
and you wasted the opportunity.

Excuse me.

I was saying...

It's not a problem.

Yes, but at a first glance, I can say
that it's just a trivial case of...

Menu...
- MenoJ?

-A meno...
- Meno...?

A less serious menace
than it seems.

A "witch pause"!

And what does that entail?

Substantially nothing,
except the loss of your powers.

Temporarily or permanently?

Usually temporarily.

The important thing is...

to lead a peaceful life
with your loved ones.

How dull.

But as I said, it's not a problem.

As I told you, that's what he always says.
"It's not a problem."

You're surely referring to our problem.

Then let's hear a woman's opinion.

I'm still very young, and it's unfair
they don't stick out as they used to.

He promised me he would have made them
firm and pointy again.

Instead...

Well, to the naked eye, they seem perfect.

Perfect? Damned centaur, see for yourself.

Oh, well,
actually Topa isn't entirely wrong.

- See?
- If I were you, I'd insist a bit more.

I look terrible.

Goodbye. Thank you.
I'll take my leave, Doctor Frankenstein.

I'll show you out.

No need.

Well, then...

auf Wiedersehen.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

Just a moment!

I didn't notice your brother has a hump.

Hump? What hump?

I'm a famous scientist.

I can do something forth at hump...

Thank you, but it's not a problem.

- I insist.
- It's not a problem.

Alright, well, in that case...

auf Wiedersehen.

- Auf Wiedersehen.
- Auf Wiedersehen.

Listen, Frankie, we need to do something
about it. I can't possibly...

You mustn't listen to a woman
who laughs and then cries

and makes sudden movements with her lips!

But you always say:
"It's not a problem."

Because it's not a problem!

I hope it works,
because the brain isn't exactly your size.

No, exactly.
I had to put a little wedge underneath.

- Wedge?
- To stop it from wobbling.

Yes, but don't move. Don't move.

I'm so curious to know
whose brain you stole.

Scissors.

- Here.
- There you go.

- Done?
-Yes.

Just give it a second
so it can connect to the synapse...

Here, it should work.

Yes, I can see that.

So maybe the wedge
is hindering the contact.

What shall we do?

Try to hit your head slightly,
very gently,

and maybe it will settle.

Nanni, are you alright?

Nanni? Who is this Nanni?

I'm Isadora.

Isadora who?

Don't you recognize me?

The divine Isadora.

I filled the theatres all over the world.

Princes and bankers
challenged each other to duals for me.

Peeka...boo!

Peeka...

boo!

Well? Still here?
Come on, get going, move.

Or you'll be late for the movie.

Don't worry, go have fun
now that you have the chance.

- Thanks, dad.
- Oh, don't mention it.

I have the feeling your dad
always wants us out of the house.

He's been coming over for two weeks.
I don't even want to go out tonight.

You should be thankful
he gives us a hand with the twins.

Besides, my therapist said
we need to rekindle our relationship.

Therapist? He's a vet.

Always point things out.

You know what it means
to live with a werewolf?

I keep on putting pads on the floor
and he keeps on pissing in the corners.

Why? Because he has to mark his territory.

You go out with the full moon
and come back at dawn.

You howl while you sleep
and leave the shower full of fur!

I'm a wolf, what can I do about that?

But I didn't know that when we met.
And you didn't do these things.

My cell phone. I forgot my cell phone.

It's your fault.
You always rush me and stress me out.

What did I do?

You can do without it for once.
Who cares? Let's go.

What? What if something happens?

- Nothing will happen. Dad's at home.
- Exactly.

Where is it? Where is it?
It's not here. Absurd.

Your dad hypnotized them and left.
He left them alone.

He's in for it now.
He's not going anywhere.

I can smell him.

- Wait for me!
- I'm leaving.

- What about the twins?

They're going to sleep
'til tomorrow morning.

My dad always did that to me
when I was a child.

It's called "goodnight hypnosis".

As a matter of fact,
since they're sleeping...

How about using the door for once?

Wait for me!

His smell leads here.

Are you sure? It's my mom's house.

Now you have a wolf's sense of smell.
If I said I'm sure, then I'm sure!

- She can suddenly smell.
- Hey, don't exaggerate.

Please, please, just a quick suck.

No!

Oh, come on, mon Dieu.
Just one. What's the big deal?

0k, but just a bit.

Yes, a tiny little bit.

Where's that thing?

- What is it?

Look what you're making me do. Damn ya.

Wait...

Greedy vampire...

Let me bite that neck.

No!

Get a hang of yourself! I gave ya a finger
and now ya want my entire aorta!

Excuse me, Nando surely had his flaws,
but certain things...

Only after being married.

What do you mean "after being married"?

Of course.
What kind of woman do a think I am?

Yes, but I have Brunilde...
It wouldn't be very nice...

And taking advantage of me is nice?

Just admit you're scared.

First of all you're not married.
And didn't ya say she lost her powers?

-Yes.
- So what?

You'd even do her afavour.
Come on, your relationship is over.

-You think so?
-I sure do.

Anyway...

do as you please.

Your neck...

Your neck is worth a ring.

So be it, let's get married!

_Dad!
_M°m!

The kids!

Hey!

The kids...

I gave you the worst centuries of my life.

I know, darling, but it's inevitable,
it's physiological.

Immortality entails
a natural loss of libido.

So you just fall head over heels

for the first woman
who makes you sniff some haemoglobin?

Yet, I didn't act like that

when I had the chance.

And you know
that I could have fallen for it!

That was a Von Struben!

During the cruise on the phantom ship...

Oh, come on, Brunilde, please.

Only the swamp monster flirted with you.

Anyway, I mean there are issues

that a couple can solve in a civil manner.

In a civil manner?

I lost my powers, but...

I'm going to kill you with my bare hands!

Run away, Vladimiro! Stop!

Brunilde, let's talk it over.

I should have had
Van Helsing impale you.

- Van Helsing?
-Yes. Besides, he's a handsome man.

Where do you think you're going?

You miserable vampire!

Come in, let's talk it over
in a civil manner.

Bloody hell!

-Are you having a bad time?
- You interrupted my crossbow exercises.

I studied the Monstrous Law
very carefully.

Vladimiro is clearly guilty
of abandonment of the marital tomb.

But according to Article 47,
you must also consider that...

if I may, at college they used to call me
"The Quibble Whisperer".

Well...

"If a vampire marries a human,
the witch is considered repudiated."

"She loses all of her asset rights"

"and is exiled to the mud house,
at the service of the Mother Witch."

No...

Not the Mother Witch.

Are you here to twist the knife
in the wound or to find a solution?

Here comes the good part.

This is the wedding invitation.
You will be my "plus one".

That's madness.

I'm not going there to get humiliated.

This is where you're mistaken.
This marriage mustn't take place.

If we hinder it together,
we will both benefit from it.

If you follow my advice, we'll take
V
adimiro's canines away from him.

With my legal skills and your powers,
we'll bust his ass like this.

I lost my powers.

Oh... Then we'll bust his ass like this.
It's enough, isn't it?

Leave it to me.

I love breaking up marriages.

- Who's that?
- It's my...

sister.

I'll explain later.

Isadora.

Enchanté.

Finally.

Our ancestral abode.

Ancestral?
Then it doesn't belong to you.

Is it a bare property?
Then it's not even worth renovating it.

Ancestral in the sense that it belonged
to our ancestors.

Anyway, nothing needs to be renovated.
It's a 5-skull hotel.

Yeah, but no one's going to come here.

That's why it's a 5-skull hotel.

We blew up
the chemical industry next-door.

There's not a living soul
within 50 kilometres.

Breathe. Breathe deeply. Do you smell it?

Wonderful. It's dioxin.

This will be our love nest.

It needs some thorough cleaning.
Don't ya have any servants?

No, there's no need, because.

The abode is possessed by Alex or.

Possessed?

So it's not yours. Let me understand,
who does this hotel belong to?

No, it's possessed by Alex or.

-At your command.
- The ancient concierge.

When he died, Brunilde
condemned his soul out of nostalgia,

so now he would serve us forever.

Regardez moi.

Alex or, light the fireplace.

Fireplace.

Alex or...

- Braziers.
- Braziers.

Oh, domotics.

- Convenient.
-Alex or...

- The sofa.
- The sofa.

- Your teeth are already stiff?
- Stiff?

Yeah, always pretending ya don't get it.
But ya sure do get straight to the point.

Geez, it seems ya have never seen a vein.
Can't we wait 'til we're married?

You're cruel, you make me suffer.

It's the doorbell.

Alex or, who is it?

The delivery man is at the doorstep.

Delivery man?

The package. I forgot.

Alex or, open the gate.

Open the gate.

What is it? A chest? A wedding present?

Let me introduce you to my dear friend.

Obesis Ill.

He will officiate at our wedding

according to the ancient rite
of the pharaohs.

Mummy?

Mummy!

We haven't seen each other for centuries.

But I must say,
you're still in excellent shape.

Thanks. It took me a few sacrifices.

What a crappy trip.

Excuse me, but...

where are you from?

“ Egypt
" Egypt?

-Yes, Egypt-
. Egypt-Egypt?

Northern Egypt.

Oh, right.

Well, you must be a bit tired.
Do you want to freshen up?

No, I prefer not to.

You could put your bandages
in the washing machine...

Oh, you want to be... Alright, I'll go.

I'll go.

If you insist...

On the far right.
You'll find everything you need. Alright?

And don't run.

Listen, he doesn't exactly seem...

- Come here, finally.
- Here we go again...

Visitors at the front door.

Who is it now?

Wasn't it supposed to be
a private ceremony?

How could I not invite them
to our wedding? No kidding.

You invited Brunilde too?
I think this is excessive.

No, wait, I invited Remo. Ok?

How could I know he'd bring
that witch along with him?

-Apparently, they're having a fling.
-A fling?

A fling, a fling, a fling...

They're together. How do ya call that?

No, that's completely out of the question.

- Eatin' ya heart out, huh?
- What? Eating my heart out?

Forget it.

Who the hell is she?

She looks familiar, but...

I don't have a clue.

Nine, ten, eleven, twelve...thirteen.

We're 13, bloody hell.

Luckily, I'm not superstitious,
otherwise we'd all be knocking on wood.

- Knock on wood? What do you mean?
- I'll tell ya later.

Come on, let's all drink to that.
What else? Let's toast.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

-Your mom knows no bounds, huh?
-And your father sure does, huh?

- Why do you always have to blame women?
- Darling, let's not fight.

Let's take advantage of this weekend
without the twins so we can regain

a bit of intimacy.

Are you in heat?

No.

It's just the pleasure of being together.

- May I, my dear?
-You read my mind, darling.

- Isn't anyone going to fill my glass?
- Of course.

- Here, I'll give ya a bucketful.
- Merci.

Don't mention it.

-You want to make me drunk?
-Yeah, I wish.

Did you choke on the wine?

No. Just a bit of dizziness.
You're very attentive...

Who's that? Uncle Nanni?

- Uncle Nanni's gone.
- I'm sorry. Condolences.

What a plague lately...

Excuse me. these chairs are beautiful,
but they're so uncomfortable.

Too tight. My rod gets stuck...

- Rod?
- My rod, yes. Here it is.

Dad, please.

A duelling weapon.

- How romantic.
- Thank you.

My name is Isadora.
But you can call me Dora.

My name is Glauco.

Just call me like that.

Did uncle Nanni turn into a female?

Dad, that's not nice to say,
it's unpolite.

I just wanted to know
if he's male or female.

Dad, you're still stuck
in the 19th century.

There aren't only males and females today,
but also different combinations.

He's...

No gender. Yes, no-gender.

Of course, I understand.

I just wanted to know if he's
male no-gender or female no-gender.

Dad, please.

Where are ya going? Sit down.

Doesn't the soup smell strange to you?

- No. What's wrong with it?
- Mine stinks. Smell yours.

You fell for it, fatso.

What a damn son of a bitch.

Tell him off.

- He's my grandson.
- Congratulations.

You mustn't let people treat you
like that. Is that clear?

-Are you saying that because you love me?
- No.

Because I pity you.

- Can something arise out of pity?
- Of course.

Nuisance.

Don't you understand
you don't have any chance with me?

And because of this damn marriage
we're also going to become half-siblings.

Only half.

Holy bats, what a burden.

- Excuse me?
-Yes?

- Did ya get a face-lift?
- No, no lifting.

It's a conservation surgery method.

Yeah, sure,
is that what they're called now?

Wow, a helluva surgery.

Are ya ashamed?

Do ya think
I found these boobs on the street?

- Count?
-Yes?

- Bruni says that...
- Bruni?

That you're very good at piano.
Why don't you play us something?

Reafly?

Well, modestly speaking,
I'm not that bad, yes.

But getting back to it so suddenly,
I'm not sure...

Don't be shy. If ya know how to play,
then go ahead.

Come on. Geez.

Dad.

Well, if you insist... Alright.
I'll perform something.

- Go for it, Vlad.
-Alex or, turn off the music.

Would you like a nut?

-You cracked it with your rod.
- The rod can crack anything.

What shall I play?
I have an immense repertoire.

Let's see, let's see...

Something fresh, something like...

Yes, Chopin.

Hey, what a lame pain in the ass.

We had more fun
at my brother's funeral.

If you don't appreciate it,
then come on, you play.

Certainly.

So we can listen
to your delightful skills.

Ready?

In the black continent

Paraponziponzipi:

At the foot of the Kilimanjaro

Paraponziponzipi:

There is a population of negroes
that invented a lot of dances

The most famous is the Hully Gully.

This is sheer cacophony.

There's no need to be rude.
Admit you're eating ya heart out.

This song is a blast.
You just can't keep still.

Don't hold yourself back.
Let yourself go, follow your instinct.

Too cool.

How delightful.

The noble Count Vladimiro
of the Obscure Torture

marries for the eternity

into the colourful lineage
of the Terrabruciatas

What do you expect, "Bruni"?
It's the social elevator.

Apparently, yours only goes down.

-I didn't mean to do that.
- Be careful.

Today we managed to strike his hon our.

Tomorrow we will strike
what she treasures the most...

Au revoir, mes amis.

A plus tard.

Au revoir.

You're not a woman.

You reckon?

What makes you say that?

You're a vamp.

If ya end up under a car,
ya won't get picked up by an ambulance...

- Then who will pick me up?
- The fine arts.

Ya can't imagine
what I'd do to ya right now...

- Tell me.
- No, 'cause if I do, I'll get jailed.

I admire your resourcefulness...

- But you're a real boor.
- No. I'm not a boor.

I'm a man, you bet.

- Betting is a sin.
- Then let's sin.

That's just what I want to do,
I can't wait.

What if I take you to bed
with a glass of wine and gazzosa?

Do you want to taste my handbag?

-What is it? A clarinet?
- No.

- A flame thrower.
-I don't need it, I'm already on fire.

Au revoir, monsieur.

Of course.

Grandma, listen, it's full moon tonight.

Make sure you lock Orfeo's playpen. Yes.

And put Nicholas to bed at dawn.

Alright.

Yes. Be careful.

Bye.

Sit down. What is it? You don't trust her?
The kids are in good hands.

Yeah, sure, hands...
Their grandparents are ghosts.

At least we're alone now.

You really are in heat.

Listen, why don't you take a shower?
You have a strong wolf-smell today.

And dry your ears.
Get that wet-dog smell off of you.

Right. I'll be right back. Wait here.

Darling.

I'm ready.

Darl...

Darling?

- Hey, are you awake?
-Yes, I am.

Can you give Orfeo his minced meat?
I'll warm the blood for Nicholas.

Thanks. Go.

Minced meat for Orfeo...

ROTTEN FISH GATE:
SWAMP MONSTER UNDER INVESTIGATION

And Brunilde was even boasting about him.
The Swamp Monster.

Ugly and dishonest.

- Vladimiro.
- Brunilde.

- Remo.
- Count.

Forgive my intrusion,

but I was very keen on offering you
my most sincere congratulations.

I thought you had taken it badly...

Really? No, of course not.

You have a new companion, and so do I.

So everyone's happy.

Companion in the sense
he accompanies you or..

- Or.
- Or...

Why? Do you mind?

No, absolutely no. It's your right.

Speaking of rights,

in order to obtain my consent
for your marriage,

we need to complete a small formality:

A simple signature on this document.

Of course, my dear.
What do I need to sign?

That you waive all rights
to any asset and estate

in exchange for the freedom
of marrying whoever you wish.

And why should I sign
something so ridiculous?

So, you won't end up like that tree.

What an exciting adventure.

Entrusting me with a weapon...

That tree seems
to be healthy and thriving.

Yes. As yet it is.

But it could burn to ashes in any moment.

That tree!

Here I am.

Blissful!

You got your powers back?

Thanks to him,
I'm gaining my past wickedness.

I have re-flourished. Love is priceless.

In your case, it does have a price.
A signature in exchange for happiness.

So? Will you sign?

I need to confer first.

Of course, confer and let us know.

- There's no hurry, take your time.
- If you need half an hour, that's fine.

- Treasure?
- Yeah, sure.

If anything, we can sell it for 250 euros.

Light of my life...

What do ya need to tell me?

Two things, some good news
and some bad news.

Tell me about it.

The good news is that I talked to Brunilde

and she approves our marriage.

Well, what if she didn't?
You think we wouldn't get married?

Come on, the bad news?

Well...

Brunilde gained all her powers back.

Yeah, but...

But if she approves everything,
then what?

No, it's not that.
No, she... How can I say it?

She made a request, and wants me to...

to waive...

-I didn't get ya.
- No, well, you know, the assets...

What about the assets?

She wants me to waive all assets.

- Which ones?
- All of them.

All of them?

Come on. I mean,

we don't care about vile money, do we?

Love must prevail.

Let's enjoy this moment
of beautiful happiness...

What's wrong, darling? Are you unwell?

You said no, right?

I mean, it's a matter of principle.

I can't marry a man
who's subby to his wife.

- Subby?
-Yes, subby.

'Cause if this is what she wants now,
what'll she want tomorrow?

Nothing,
because I won't have anything anymore.

I beg you.

Let's try not to irritate her.

Yeah, sure, the problem
is that we mustn't irritate her.

Are ya afraid?

-You're a coward!
- No, it's just that...

- She'll burn me alive.
- What do ya care? You're immortal.

I know, but I assure you
that to burn forever isn't exactly nice.

Alright, listen. It's crystal clear:

Yours is a typical case of love addiction;
she's a pathological narcissist.

Ya got yourself manipulated.
Are ya following me?

-You think so?
-Yeah.

Well, ya surely had
a son of difficult childhood.

Ya probably felt unimportant,
like a little ordinary bat.

Then the witch popped up,
cast her spell on ya and bamboozled ya.

A typical narcissist disorder:

First they put ya in the spotlight,
hold you in high esteem

and then they throw ya in the crapper.

It's called depreciation.
She depreciates ya, doesn't she?

Well, actually, she does tend
to emphasize my flaws, yes.

Just as I said.

Listen, now do this, go call her
and tell her you're not signing anything.

- Not even with a cross.
- No, please, no crosses.

Exactly, not even a cross. Now go.

Please. Otherwise, I swearl won't even
let ya suck a single capillary anymore.

Go.

Alright.

What's the matter? Are you hesitating?

No, it's just that...

- It doesn't seem right.
- Did Stella get upset?

No, no, it's not that... It's...

Guys, stop playing around
with that flame thrower.

Come on, dad, aunt Isadora gave it to us.

Why is she allowed to burn trees
and we're not?

Because you mustn't do that.
Give it back to your aunt.

Well, well, well,
let's get back to business.

Shall we check our...

little contract?

To recapitulate...

if I don't sign, you will use
your powers against me, correct?

Correct.

Well then, Brunilde?

You're not doing anything?
I'm waiting. What's the matter?

I know why you're not doing anything.

Because you lost your powers.

And I'm not your subby anymore.

- Subby?
- Subby.

I'll explain it to you later.

What a debacle. What a defeat.

Come on, darling, please, stop it.

Stop what?
Tell me where you went last night?

I was right there, in bed, next to you.

What a liar.
Look, those are your footsteps.

Alright. It's the call of the wild,
I can't help it.

-And who was in the wild with you?
- No one.

- The usual handful of dorky wolves.
- Of course.

What about female wolves? None?

Yes. One.

- Two. Nothing much...
- Nothing much? I'll bit my tongue.

Those aren't female wolves,
they're bitches.

-Actually, you know what?
- What?

From now on
in this bed we're only sleeping.

No, Luna... Hold this.
Let's reason and keep calm.

What do you mean?

- Your wolf-hearing isn't working anymore?
- It's working fine.

I'll tell you again,
read my lips: only sleeping.

No more getting in heat.

Alright. Then just say it,
you don't like me anymore.

Oh, you finally got it.
No, I don't like you anymore.

Me neither.

I don't like you anymore...

wane'?

You need to learn
how to sleep in a coffin.

But I'm claustrophobic.

Claustrophobic...
Every vampire sleeps in a coffin.

It's dark. I'm scared.

Hey, lvano.

Listen, do you like pine nuts?

Yes.

Right, then pick 'em out of this pinecone.

That's enough.
Say something before he leaves.

- Hugo?
- What do you want?

Nothing. Bye.

You even say goodbye to him?
Go and tell him to stop bullying you.

What if he hits me?

If he hits you, you strike back
with your superpowers.

I can't beat him.

I'm a non-violent vampire.

If you're a non-violent vampire,
you can run away with your super speed.

I'm not sure it always works.

No?

Then look at the expert.

It's super easy.

- Come.
- Coming.

Look carefully.

See? Super easy.

Your turn.

Alright.

What a disaster.

If you use your super speed,

you obviously also need to use
your super brakes.

I forgot...

He forgot...

- lvano, look up.
- What? -I can't believe it.

Welcome back.

Welcome back.

Kids, are you alright? Did you get hurt?

No.

I-\ bit.

What happened?

Guess who we just found?

The little wand "sales elf".

The one I walled up alive to prank him.
Remember?

Walled up alive?

They're just children, they're playing.

Besides, that elf was very insistent.

He wanted to sell me a wand
that could only cast three magical spells

and the recharges
were incredibly expensive.

To me. And I'm a...

Maybe they still work.

Kids, I'm coming.
Don't touch anything.

Mommy will get the wand.

- Why?
- Because...

Just because.

- Come on. Put some effort into it.
-Yes...

No, listen, I can't do this. Damn.

Oh, come on.
Don't bother about the weight.

It's easy for ya with your six-pack body.

You may be Egyptian,
but ya look like a Riace bronze.

Ya make me feel uncomfortable.

You're very provocative, too.

- Beautiful...
-Yeah, I wish...

What do you know?

When I strut down the beach,
upright, feeling like a vamp...

people behind me start shouting:
"Hey, butterball!" That hurts.

Oh, screw them, don't listen to them.

They're insensitive.
Emotionally illiterate.

- Listen...
- What?

- Do ya also feel hot?
- No.

Why don't ya take off these bandages
and show me ya assets?

That's not a good idea, no.
Really, it's not a good idea...

- Don't be shy...
- I'm not shy, it's not a good idea.

- Come on. We're on good terms now...
- No, no!

No, no, no...

I told you it wasn't a good idea.

Mom, who's that fatso?

Hugo, you don't insult people
'cause of their looks.

He doesn't deserve to be defamed
just 'cause he's a tub of lard.

What counts is what ya have inside.

And what does he have in there?
Roasted pork from Ariccia?

Excuse him.

I tried to give this kid an education,
but he grew up without a father.

Monia, will you allow me
to act like a father for three seconds?

Sure thing.

- Kid...
- What?

You clown.

- Good job.
- Thanks.

Mom, help me, please.

No way. Enjoy ya sand bathe, it's healthy.

Come on. Let's go for a run.
We gotta work off the fat.

- How about speed walking?
- Sure. Who gives a fuck anyway.

Help. Help. Someone help me.

Ivano. Hey, little cousin, give me a hand.

- And you won't call me a "fatso" anymore?
- No, I promise.

Come on. Help me, lvano.

Holy bats.

Good job.

How did you do that?

No idea. I mean, I didn't even notice...

See? A real vampire...

does everything automatically.

Yeah. Sure thing.

I told you not to marry a human...

What do you expect?
Mixed marriages don't work.

Yes, I know, but you must help me now.

I'm desperate.
Luna always gets angry at me.

- How can I change that?
- There's a solution...

- What solution?
- Devour her.

- Come on, mom, no kidding.
- Listen, you're an adult wolf.

Sort it out yourself.
I can't work miracles.

You can't work miracles,
but you can use your magic.

I know about the wand.

Well, it only has one recharge
and can cast three spells, I need them.

- Mom, just one, please. It's no big deal.
- It is. No.

- Where did you put it?
- I'm not telling you.

I'll find it anyway.

No. Adalberto.

Adalbelto! Sit!

Here it is.

Alright.

Alright. I only have one dose
of magic recharge.

It's in here.

Make a wish, open it
and your wish is fulfilled.

But use it well
because I won't give you anymore.

Alright.

- Thanks, mom.
- What... You're welcome.

You saved my life.
Luna will have to make up with me.

Very well.

That's enough.

Go, go.

Are you leaving?

No, I'm moving into another room,
a single room, I can't stand you anymore.

Listen, darling, I need to tell you
something really important...

It's no use trying to get me back
with a present.

-Wait. Don't open it.
-Why not?

Then why did you give it to me?
Is it a joke?

- No, it's not that... Give it back.
- Why?

Because I want to open it.
I'm really keen on it.

Why are you so thoughtful?

Well...

on,
get it.

What?

Men always make presents
when they've caused troubles.

What did you do last night in the woods?

- I didn't...
- What should I forgive you for?

Nothing, it's...

Usually the bigger the present,
the more you need to be forgiven.

Listen, darling, I didn't do anything,
it's not what you think.

- Give it to me now.
- It's my present.

It's useless,
we don't speak the same language.

- Please, don't open it.
-Again?

You know what I really wish?
That you were in my shoes and me in yours.

No!

- Luna, you ruined everything.
-Ada
berto, what did you do to me?

Nothing. You did it yourself.
A spell was inside the box.

Now you're a werewolf
and I'm a human being.

Hey, not bad...

Don't worry, we'll find a solution,
I'll talk to mom and...

No, no, not now
that we've exchanged roles.

How can we manage this?

I don't know about you,
but I've got something in mind...

Luna, where are you going?

What was it called?
"The call of the wild".

I want to find out
if the wolves out there are really dorky.

Luna...

Luna!

Nothing, I'm human.

Listen, why did you need
to waste a spell forAdalbeno?

Children are children.
Lucky thing you don't have any.

The time has come
to use the weapon of jealousy,

so Vladimiro will finally recognize
what kind of woman he's dealing with.

How?

Like this.

How do you feel, little sister?

Toned up?

Vulgar.

But hot.

With this sinful outfit,
I'll challenge anyone to tell us apart.

If you talk like that, he won't fall
for it. You have to talk like Stella.

I'll undertake the challenge.

I'll go for it.

We still have a problem, we can't have
two Stellas wandering around.

If Vladimiro meets the real one,
it'll be a disaster.

She needs to stay in her room.
Someone has to buttonhole her.

Buttonhole?

I think I have a little problem
I could talk about with her...

Who is it now? Damn them.

- Oh, uncle Nanni. Hi.
- Isadora.

-Yeah, sorry. aunt Isadora.
- I need to talk to you urgently.

- But I gotta try on my wedding dress.
- It's important.

I'm facing deep psychological distress

and only you can help me.

Yeah, but can't we talk about it later?

It's important and urgent. I think...

I've fallen in love.

-I get it, honey...
- But he's very different and...

I don't know. I'm quite confused...

I don't really get it.
What do ya mean different?

He's a real boor.

Well...

I mean, get down to the nitty-gritty:
does he have money?

-Yes.
- So what do ya care?

I mean, let me get things straight,

ya changed ya name,
ya look, ya personality...

Did ya change everything?

I mean...

You're referring to my haircut, right?

No, not the haircut. How can I explain?

Did ya arm yourself down there?

See? Because maybe ya psychological
distress is due to that, right?

-You think so?
-Yes.

I mean, nowadays that kinda stuff
ain't a problem in a relationship.

What really matters
is that it's based on solid values.

Such as...cash...

and...

Well, in the end, nothing else.

Listen, I gotta go now.
I'm runnin' out of time.

Wait. Don't you want to know who he is?

No, darling. Look, take my advice.

Be yourself and be happy.
Alright? I really gotta go now.

He's your father.

-I didn't get ya...
- He's your father.

My father?

I don't... My father?
You mean you like my father?

He hasmsomething...

No, not my father.
He's extremely dangerous.

You may be armed,
but he's seriously armed.

I mean, he'll shoot you in the legs.
All three of them.

You think it's funny, but...

Stella, don't interfere.
I sleep with this under my pillow.

An armed woman is perfect for me.

Ya bewitched my heart, you stole it
without even askin' for a ransom.

First of all, put that thing down, please.

But you mustn't interfere.

Do ya get she's got a surprise?

Of course. She's a surprising woman.

- Then you got it all wrong.
-What do you mean?

Don't interfere,
let me handle it, come on.

I overheard your conversation.

And I'm happy-

I feel as happy as when I have to break
someone's finger to get my money back.

What a vibrating image.

This bunch of flowers...

I picked 'em for ya.

Take 'em.

Come on, take 'em.

Oh, no, no, I can't.

Not before the wedding.

It wouldn't be fair on poor Vladimiro.

Whatd'ya care about that gravedigger?

You mean we can grant ourselves
some amusement?

Amusement? Ya have to be more vulgar,
otherwise he ain't fall for it.

Oh, Remo,

let's go hit it real good.

You bet, babe.
Anyway, he'll never pick up on it.

Ya got it, Stella?
I'm gonna spread-eagle you.

- Spread-eagle? What do you mean?
- Like this.

Oh. Yes, do it, Remo, do it!

- Not "do it", "go for it".
- Go for it, Remo.

The python corset.
You know I can't resist.

Oh, Remo, sip my soul.

Remo...

- Oh, Remo.
- Darling! Say something!

Whatd'ya want me to say?

Tell me at least it's not as it seems.

- No, no, it's exactly as it seems.
- Even worse.

If you walked in a minute later, you can't
imagine how you would have caught us.

If ya go back out and come in again,
we'll show ya.

Quelle horreur.

How could you do this to me?

On the eve of our wedding.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Now they're definitely
not getting married...

And you even doubted about my dialect.
May ya be blinded.

Great.

Now...

the moment has come to make a toast
to this marriage...

which won't take place.

-Yes, let's celebrate.
- What are you doing?

The show is over.

Sorry, seeing you
in Stella's shoes troubles me.

Oh, yes, in the shoes of that boor?

Then I'll make sure
your fiery spirits cool down.

Un, deux, trots.

There you go.

Now nothing will trouble you,
and we've also finished our spells.

Anyway, I don't know why
you're so attracted to that woman.

And why are you attracted to Vladimiro?

Then get him back. I'll get him done
and ya give him the finishing blow.

So we can finally dismiss the case.

Your eloquence may be vulgar,
yet it's impeccable.

Or as Stella would say:
ya make perfect sense.

Oh, miserable, Walpurgis Night.

Cover me with your black cloak.

Here I am, Sister Death,
I'm climbing up to you.

Come.

Embrace me for all eternity.

He's gone crazy. He wants to hang himself.

It's his usual melodramatic show.
He's immortal, he can't die.

Shall I go down?

No, we'll deal with it tomorrow morning.

Let him set off some steam.
It'll do him good.

Come on, Count. These things happen.

Stop acting like that.

Go away, let me suffer in peace.

Why don't we just talk about it,
from man to vampire?

Tell me. Speak.

It's difficult like this,
you're looking down on me.

What are you doing? What are you plotting?

I'm freeing you.

- Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Here.

To make it up to you, I'll offer you
an exchange. I'll bear Stella.

Also because you two are too different.

You mean that she's too low-class for me?

No, she's a real boor inside.

Well, I must admit I had a few doubts
about her social rank.

And what about this exchange?

That goes without saying,
I'll get the boor and give you the witch.

Excuse me,
don't you two have a liaison?

No, no. That was just a one-night stand.

But Brunilde is so proud,
she won't want me anymore.

-I know that...
- Exactly.

The prouder a woman is, the more she'll
appreciate a man who eats humble pie.

-You think so?
- Indeed.

But not a word about what happened
between me and Stella.

If Brunilde finds out,
she'd feel like a stopgap. Alright?

Of course not. Qa va sans dire.

Oh, dear Brunilde. Perfect timing.

Oh, you're here too?
I'm picking dead flowers.

I think we're all set for a clarification.

What kind of clarification?

- What should I say?
- Eat humble pie, I told you.

-What is it about?
- My dear...

I believe I committed an unforgivable act
of thoughtlessness.

A glaring error.

A monumental bunch of crap.

Well, the Count's apologies seem sincere,
don't they, Brunilde?

Oh, of course.

You worm!
So now you're doubling back, huh?

You don't want to hear that hooker
telling you "sip my soul" anymore?

The python corset
doesn't excite you anymore?

"$ip my soul"?

"Python corset"?

How do you know?

Female intuition?

You two. You two are in cahoots.

And I'm a victim of sorcery.

How could I?

How could I have doubted

such a pure and unselfish woman?

Je m'en vais. Stella?

Stella?

He caught us.

No, you made us get caught.

A slip of the tongue.

Then you rightfully deserve to change
the Mother Witch's incontinence pads.

I will miss you.

I will miss you too.

You don't deserve to end up at the mud
hut at the service of the Mother Witch.

Will you accompany me?

I'd love to, but you know...

I'm still attractive.

So for the time being,
I should take care of my future.

Mom, are you sure
you don't want to stay at our place?

Since Luna turned into a wolf,
she's never home and...

I need a hand with the twins.

Adalbeno, to be honest,

I prefer being with the Mother Witch
than with the twins.

At least she knows how to play Burraco.

Salma, darling, would you mind hugging
your mother before she leaves?

Not over my living body.

I'm so proud of you.

I love goodbyes, they're so depressing.

Go.

Go, Cicuta.

What did you do
out in the woods all night?

You're the one who said: "What happens
in the woods, stays in the woods."

- Forget it.
- Right, exactly.

Hold this damn thing, will ya? Sorry.

My darling.

And to think that they wanted
to convince me you went to bed with Remo.

With Remo?

Are ya' kiddin' me?

I mean, that happened before...

After I had just married Nando.

What do you mean
after you had just married?

Ya know how it is when you're just married
and feel the need to transgress...

But we're about to marry.

What's the big deal?
Come on, don't be such a bore. Come on.

So...

- What do ya wanna do?
-Well, let's get married.

Yes, yes...

I hereby wed you,

according to Article 175 and 177

of the Monstrous Law,

which allows mixed marriages
between monsters and human beings.

If anyone has something to say,
speak now or forever hold your peace.

Who needs to say somethin'?
There ain't nothin' to be said.

Me!

This marriage is illegitimate.

No, excuse me...

If you need to say something,
then speak up.

-You bet I will.
- He will.

What the hell are ya doin'? Ya brought
Nando here just when I'm gettin' married?

That's really cheesy, ain't it?

Stella, I swore I wouldn't do it.

To avoid criminal consequences
and to play along.

But faced with this farce,
you leave me no choice.

Whatd'ya talkin' about? Get lost, will ya?
You and ya damn dead brother.

Anyway, let me get this straight,
what does this farce consist in?

This is what this farce consists in...

Why all this clownin' around?

It's empty. So where's dad?

Nando isn't dead.

I advised him to transfer his assets
to a non-extradition country.

Well, that's a pickle.

Are ya incriminating yourself?
Don't ya know that's a serious crime?

Yours is twofold.

First, you were involved in the scam
and now you're also guilty of bigamy.

Is bigamy a criminal of fence?

I didn't know that, I'm sorry.

- Mom, so daddy's alive?
- He's alive. I know, darling.

We've gone through a lot,
but we'll get over this too.

So you knew this?

Well, I didn't exactly know it,
I had just heard of it...

So it was sheer interest?

- No...
-Vladimiro...

You're not the vampire. She's the one
who wanted to bleed you dry.

Damn you...

So, let me get this right.

You and your rat husband
wanted to get ya hands on my dough?

Dad, I swear I told him:
"Hey, you mustn't touch my dad's money."

-I don't know, I told him...
- Don't worry.

I'm pleased I taught you such good things.

I'm proud of ya.
You're the male son I never had.

I feel like or yin'.

I've been waitin' my whole life
for you to say that.

She's always been your favourite.

But let me get this straight...

- Ain't ya marryin' the Count anymore?
- No!

No,
then who's gonna give me back my dough?

Frankly, I don't give a damn.

In the name of Osiris I hereby declare
this marriage null and void.

Was'!

Have ya gone completely nuts?

I was on the brink of gettin'
joint ownership of property.

-I did it for us.
- For us?

- I love you.
-Yes, love.

We lost everything. And now we're even
gonna end up in jail, I'm telling ya.

No, I reported Nando and your sister.

I'm gonna get few months of house arrest
'cause I didn't speak up immediately.

As for you...

I saved you.
I said you didn't know anything.

-And they believed you?
-Yes.

Thank you.

However, they still got away with it
and took the money with them.

- Not necessarily.
-Whatd'ya mean?

A friend gave me a tip.

Now I know how to track them down.
Them and the money.

The money...

Reafly?

Really.

I always underestimated ya.

But ya were right.

The two of us should have become a couple.

Ain't ya gonna give me a kiss?

Come and give it to me.

Mom...

Mommy.

My little darling.

Mommy.

Go and sit down.
Go, come on, honey. Sit down.

What a shame.

What?

That the marriage is off.

All these wonderful decorations,
the gowns, the hairstyling...

What a waste, isn't it?

Maybe...

there's a way to save everything.

How?

It ain't easy for me to find the words,
especially speakin' with a woman, but...

I see...

So...

I really gotta ask you somethin'...

- What?
-You didn't get it?

For the sake of a thousand tombstones...

Vladimiro.

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be with your wife?

No, I broke up with her.

I realized I was about to make
the biggest mistake of my life.

The biggest mistake of your life...

was when you were born.

See? You despise me.

You really despise me.

How could I stop doing so?

Contempt is eternal.

Because it's a pure feeling,
it's adamantine,

it's forever and ever coherent.

- Brunilde, I thought things over and...
- Vlad, no.

I'm sorry, it's too late.

No, it's not too late. It's not too late.

I realized that no one else

can make me unhappy as you can.

Brunilde...

I hate you with all my soul.

I hate you too.

I hate you. immensely!

Then...

kiss me.

Kiss me now.

But...

your powers are back.

The hatred we share
is the greatest magical spell.

By the power vested in me by Anubis,

Osiris and St. Gennaro,

I hereby wed you,

according to Article 175...

What's going on?

They decided
to take advantage of the situation.

You made up?

Yes, we can't stand each other again.
Isn't it wonderful?

I hope you'll understand...

Ya kiddin'? No prob, I'm happy for you.
Anyway, in the end we also...

By the way, I'd also like to...
You didn't get upset 'cause of...

Don't mention it.
You were just a minor bump in the road.

Or rather, an opportunity.

Dreaming of another love
helps you reappreciate your partner.

Of course.

Anyway, everyone sings
their own praises in life...

Of course.

Anyway, we're still a family...

A monstrous one, but still a family.

Well, you're not that bad after all.

I think they meant us.

Glauco Terrabruciata,
do you take Isadora to be your wife?

I sure do. Ya think I came here
to twiddle my fingers?

Isadora, do you take Glauco Terrabruciata
to be your husband?

I do.

But first, I need to tell you something.

What?

I looked very different in the past...

Ya tellin' me?

I was blond, had loads of hair
and was 30 kilos thinner.

- Everyone changes.
- But I have a much bigger problem...

Bigger?

How big? What...

Well...

- Very big.
- Very big? Oh my God...

Yes...

- I can't find words to...
- Then let's look for them.

- What are you about to tell me?
- I...

- Used to be partly...
-Yes...

Or rather largely still am...

a man.

I thought it'd be much worse.

Ya scared the hell out of me.
What a shock.

I thought ya'd say
ya were a Lazio supporter.

- No, let's not exaggerate.
- Exactly.

- Let's continue.
-I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Or, if you prefer, husband and husband.

Hurray.

Long live the newlyweds.

I-\ FREAKING WEDDING

Sorry, honey,
but this stuff always moves me.

No prob. I'm also pleased
that grandpa's happy.

No matter who he married.

You're speaking very nicely.

Mr. Mummy's lesson served ya well.

You know that he's also very fond of ya?

He wants to take ya
to work with him in the summer.

- To Egypt?
- No, he has a pizzeria in Varese.

Listen, darling, I don't want to argue.

I just want to know...

Now that you're a wolf,
will I have to stay at home

and look after the twins
while you're in the woods?

- That's the least you can do, right?
- Right.

But you may not know,
since you're a recent wolf,

that looking after puppies

is a shared task in equal pans
among male and female wolves.

So now you want to share?

Well, it's the right thing to do
in a couple.

You finally realized that.

You could have told me,
talking is fundamental... I'm joking.

Now that our parents
aren't getting married

and we won't be
half-brothers anymore,

will you give me a kiss?

What a weary burden.

Can we get engaged now?

Forget it.

Then why did you kiss me?

Out of cruelty.

You'll keep on hoping
and I'll keep on treating you badly.

A subby is forever.

- Shall we kiss each other?
- I was waiting for you to ask.

You got excited?

Why are you hittin' yourself?
What's happening?

Isadora, what are ya doin'?

Isadora. Yes, it's you.

I'm Glauco. We just got married.

Of course we did. We're married.

-Why all this fuss? Why?
- Because, because...

No, please. Our kiss, please!

Bye, uncle Nanni.

Hey, so it's true.

Once they get married, people change.