Original subtitles

Oh, morning, Bub.

Morning.

What are you looking at?

Well, some new folks are moving in across the way.

Well, what do you know?

Nice-looking furniture.

Yes, it is.

So, how about some breakfast?

Your orange juice is on the table.

Good.

Hey, what's Bub looking at?

Uh, some, uh, new folks are moving in across the street.

Oh, yeah?

Well, their television set must be busted.

How do you know that?

Well, they've moved in about six cases of books.

Well, that's a good sign.

Bub, you show me a man's books,

and I'll show you his character. Huh?

Bub, I'm a little late.

How about a couple of eggs?

I'll be right there.

Now, stop peeking out the window.

Doesn't look good.

Hey, Mike, what you looking at?

Yeah, what's so interesting?

New people moving in across the street.

No kidding. Any girls?

I didn't see any.

I'm going to go over and see what the new people look like.

Come on, Tramp.

Hi.

Hi. Is that your dog?

Yeah. Is that your cat?

Yeah. How can your dog see

with his hair in his eyes like that?

I think he's got 20/20 vision.

Tell your dog he'd better not come on our side of the street.

How come?

'Cause my cat will beat him up.

My dog's not afraid of cats.

Boy, some dog.

You need any help?

No, thank you.

Odd numbers on top, evens on bottom.

I can read, thank you.

Well, excuse me for living.

Back so soon?

Would you mind?

You're blocking my way.

What was that about somebody blocking somebody's way?

I don't think that's very funny.

Well, I don't think I asked you.

Well, there's no need to get argumentative.

Me? You're the one that's doing all the spouting off.

Well, nobody asked you to stay and listen.

838 Mill Street.

Wouldn't that frost you?

Now you know my address.

Do me a favor and forget it.

Well, I can't.

You live across the street from me.

Dope.

Knucklehead.

And this one's a Persian cat.

And this one's called the Siamese.

And this one's a bobcat.

Tramp, come back out here.

Tramp, I don't want you running every time you see

that clunky cat across the street.

Tramp.

Brother. That's all I need, is a big-headed girl like that,

with a locker right next to mine.

Tramp, you got to come out of there.

"Thank you.

"Now that you know my address,

will you please forget it?"

What does she think she is, a... a clunk?

I'm not going to ask a clunk like her

for a date or something.

And this one right here is a Manx cat.

This one right here is an ordinary alley cat.

Will you come back here?

"Would you mind?

You're blocking my way."

God.

You know, I... I should have said,

"What do you think, you own the school or something?"

Come on, Tramp.

Quit being a sissy.

I should have said,

"You know, I think you're a girl,

so, uh, I won't poke you in the mouth."

You want that boy across the street

to make fun of you?

I should have said...

What kid across the street?

Oh, there's this goofy kid that moved in across the street,

and he went and pointed his cat at Tramp and everything.

What did Tramp do?

Well, I think he was going to bite the cat,

but then he decided not to.

And the kid laughed.

Boy, that kid sure has a goofy face.

Every time I see it, I'd like to smack it.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, uh, what did Tramp do

after the kid pointed the cat at him?

Well, he came home, sort of.

He did?

Yeah. Here.

You hold him while I show him these pictures.

Oh, no, Chip, that wouldn't do any good.

You want the kid across the street to make fun of him?

Well, all right.

But just don't tell anyone.

Boy, if Mike ever finds out

we've been showing pictures of cats to a dog,

we'll never hear the end of it.

Okay. Okay, now, stay, Tramp.

This one here is a Persian.

Stay.

This one's a Siamese.

Tramp.

There's that bobcat again.

Steve, tell your son that breakfast is more important

than that, uh, last-minute homework he's doing.

Mike, breakfast is more important

than that last-minute homework you're doing.

Oh, yeah? Well, you don't have

that miserable Dr. Walters in political science.

No, we don't.

Here, what are you doing? Good morning.

What's so good about it?

Well, now, that's what I like.

Those smiling faces to cheer me up

in my declining years.

What's eating you two?

Plenty.

Dad, did you ever want to slug somebody so bad

that you could hardly stand it?

Oh, it's happened a few times.

Of course, it all depended on how much he weighed.

This he happens to be a she.

Oh. BUB: Well, that puts

a different emphasis on the sport.

Who is this, uh, female Marciano?

It's that creepy girl

that just moved in across the street.

Boy, what a weirdo.

Yeah, and so is that clunky brother of hers.

Dad, what's a three-emperor alliance?

Well, Mike, uh, that was an alliance

where three emperors got together.

Chip, uh, what did this new boy across the street do to you?

Well, he said stuff about: How can Tramp see

with all that hair in his eyes?

Oh. Is that all?

No, he pointed his cat at me.

He pointed his cat at you?

Now, there's a criminal act if I ever heard one.

Well... Robbie, what did this, uh,

new girl across the street do to you?

It's not what she did so much as the way she acted, Dad.

Like she was queen of the city dump or something.

In other words, she didn't do anything.

It's just that you don't like her, huh?

You should have seen the way she tried

to block me off with her stupid locker.

"I can read, thank you.

There's no need to get argumentative."

Yeah, and he goes, "Boy, some dog."

I don't know what's happened to you two fellows.

All I know is that you hate two complete strangers,

and I'll bet neither one of you can give me a good reason why.

Well, it sounds like a case of mass hysteria to me, Dad.

There's a whole chapter about it in my psych book.

But then again, it...

it, uh, could be just an ordinary case

of survival instinct on a tribal level.

Well, whatever it is, the Douglas tribe doesn't go around

with a perpetual chip on its shoulders.

Basing dislikes on first impressions is ridiculous.

I don't want to hear any more about you fellows

hating the children across the street.

Do I make myself clear?

Okay, Dad. Okay.

Bye. STEVE: Good-bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.

Does anybody know when Disraeli came to power?

We haven't come to him yet.

We're only up to, uh, Charlemagne.

Well, we, uh, sort of started the day off

with a bang, didn't we?

Well, no harm done, to speak of.

No, no, we just bumped bumpers.

I guess that's what they're for, huh?

Well, can't argue with that, I guess.

I'm, uh, Steve Douglas.

I live right over there.

Oh, uh, John Kaylor.

We just moved in over there.

Yeah, I've been, uh, sort of hoping to bump into you.

Of course, not like this.

I mean, uh, socially.

Yeah, of course.

Uh, I hope our little meeting

didn't inconvenience you.

No, no, no, no. I, uh...

I guess probably it was my fault. I should have, uh...

Well, it's nice of you to put it that way, Douglas.

Uh, actually, I was halfway through my turn

when you plowed into me.

I plowed into you?

Well, we could say we plowed into each other.

Yes, we could say that.

Or that, uh, neither of us was looking

where we were supposed to be looking.

Yes.

Well, nice to have met you, Kaylor.

Uh, same here, Douglas.

Birdbrain.

Dope.

If there's anything I can't stand,

it's one of those little, thin mustaches,

and those little, beady eyes.

I see what you mean. Is that all you got against him?

No, it's not all.

We hardly touched bumpers,

and about the first thing he said

was how I plowed into him.

Be careful with that end of the sheet, will you?

I've patched it about all it'll patch.

You've been beefing about that guy all day long.

Well, I want to tell you, Bub, it's pretty irritating

to have a guy like that tell you

that you're lacking in courtesy of the road.

Well, if it were me,

I'd have shot him right then and there.

Just north of the mustache,

and right between the little, beady eyes.

Here, here, maybe you'd better lay off.

Looks like he's got enough.

Who?

The guy across the street.

Oh.

You're right, Bub.

I'm doing the very same thing I lectured the boys about.

Well, I'm glad you recognize it.

Don't hit him when he's down, you big bully.

Oh, boy, I'm late.

Well, see you-all tonight.

Thanks for a good breakfast, Bub.

You're welcome. Dad, so long. See you, Dad.

And remember, uh, no more of that feuding

with the folks across the street, okay?

Okay. Okay, Dad.

Well, good morning.

Well, you almost got me again.

What did you say?

Nothing.

After you.

Thank you very much.

Good morning, Mr. Douglas.

Good morning, Marge.

Are the, uh, first drafts

for the 107 still in this filing cabinet?

Well, yes, sir. I'll get them for you.

Shall I get you an aspirin?

Hmm?

You look like you have a headache.

Oh. No, no, I'm fine.

I do want to check these.

Thanks.

Hiya, doll.

Got the specifications for the Richards job ready yet?

I'm on the last page.

Have a chair.

Oh, I don't mind standing.

Well, I do.

You happen to be in my light.

Sorry.

Herman, must you whistle?

Okay, so you don't like music.

Herman.

Stop it.

Here.

Take these and get lost before I forget I'm a lady.

What's eating you?

What did I do?

Mm, I don't know.

But whatever it was, don't do it again.

I-I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey, what was that all about?

Oh, I don't know.

There's something about that character

that brings out the Lucrezia Borgia in me.

Herman?

He's not a bad kid.

What'd he ever do to you?

He walked through that door.

That was enough.

He's rubbed me the wrong way

since the first minute I laid eyes on him.

You must have worked here six months.

Uh, you mean you've been barking at him all that time?

Only because it's against the law to bite.

I guess you think I'm pretty silly.

No, no, just feminine.

Lots of emotion, not much logic.

Why do you men always think everything has to be logical?

I mean, suppose I came bursting in here on a pink cloud,

said I just met a guy, love at first sight.

What would you say?

Well, I suppose I'd say congratulations.

But you wouldn't think there was anything peculiar.

No, no, I'm sure that happens lots of times.

You see?

No rhyme, no reason.

It happens.

Instant love.

Or a reasonable facsimile.

Well, in a way, it's the same thing with Herman.

Only in reverse.

Oh, you mean instant hate.

The easiest kind.

Hasn't it ever happened to you?

Yeah.

Yeah, quite recently.

Thanks, Marge.

What for?

Well, just thanks.

I think you're right, Dad.

The way it is now, those people across the street

have us at a psychological disadvantage.

Well, now, Mike, let's not get Freudian.

All I want to do is go over there as a family

and welcome the Kaylors to our neighborhood,

as we should have done when they first moved in.

We going over tonight?

Tonight.

So see that Rob and Chip are cleaned up,

and, uh, ask Bub if we can't have dinner a little earlier.

Oh, maybe I'd better ask him.

Oh, he isn't? Where is he?

Oh, he's at the market.

They're having a sale on tomatoes.

You know, I pinched that many tomatoes once,

and they slapped my face.

Well, if I don't pick out

exactly the right tomatoes, my family complains.

Oh, well, how many do you need?

Maybe I could help you pinch a few.

Oh, no, thank you.

I was only trying to help, that's all.

Sorry.

Just a moment, please.

You're walking away with my wagon.

Well, just a moment, please, to you.

You're walking away with mine.

Now, if you'll cut out that elephant dance,

maybe we can get these things unhooked.

Elephant dance?

Yes, ma'am.

Well!

Oh, dear.

Well, if it isn't the elephant lady again.

We have the rudest people in this neighborhood.

Anything wrong, Mr. O'Casey?

Nothing that a nickel's worth of rat poison wouldn't cure.

Come along, fellas.

Oh, well, you look, you look fine.

Gee whiz, Dad.

What are we gonna say to them?

Well, we just act as though

we-we're meeting them for the first time.

We're merely welcoming a new family into the neighborhood.

Well, I hope you don't get sore

if I bleed all over their rug, Dad.

W-Why would you bleed all over the rug?

Well, the minute I walk in there,

that girl's gonna belt me with something.

W-Where's Mike? Mike!

Here I come.

Come on, let's get this over with.

Well, now, Bub, that attitude

isn't going to help anything, either.

Just because you had a run-in at the market with somebody,

don't, uh, take it out on the people across the street.

Now, come on. You know, Dad is absolutely right, Bub.

Once an emotion is suppressed, the fountainhead of its release

should never be misdirected.

That's all we need around here, a Chinese Socrates.

Come here!

Tramp. Tramp.

You stay. Come here.

Stay home, now, you bale of hay.

That's the first time I ever heard of

that the word "exit" didn't mean "egress."

Oh!

You're going to have to stop fuming

about that man across the street.

I am not fuming about anybody.

I'm simply sick and tired of a cheap grade of newspaper

that tears every time you try to erase something.

What really happened when you touched bumpers the other day?

He got smart with me, that's what really happened.

I've never seen a guy yet

who was six-foot-three and who didn't...

I'll get it.

Good evening.

We're the, uh, Douglases from across the street.

Come in.

We thought it was about time for the neighborhood to welcome you,

so I slapped this little thing together for you this afternoon.

Thank you! You're welcome.

John, the Douglases came to welcome us to the neighborhood.

Well, hi, Douglas.

Hello, Kaylor. Come in.

Thank you. Yeah.

C-Come on in.

Is the little boy home?

Yeah, as a matter of fact, the whole clan's here.

That's the trouble with people these days, uh, John.

They just don't bother to think things out.

It's so much easier to condemn a man because of his looks

or the color of his necktie than it is to, uh,

probe into his true character.

I know exactly what you mean, uh, Steve.

You know, the first time I met Margaret, I couldn't stand her.

Three months later, I took another look,

and we got married.

Well, that figures.

I only got two guppies now.

If you leave them long enough, they get kids.

Boy, that's neat.

Hey, how come they got so much color on them?

That's because they're both males.

Yeah, it's amazing how wrong first impressions usually are.

Mm.

N-Now take the bumblebee, for instance.

A good engineer, looking at a bumble bee, would say, uh,

aerodynamically speaking, that it would be impossible

for it to fly, right?

Yeah, the bee.

Yeah.

You know, it took me years to realize

that a banker with a mustache

didn't make a career out of foreclosing mortgages.

That's when I decided to grow one myself.

Well, it's-it's funny that you should

bring that up, Mr. Kaylor.

That's exactly what we're studying in class.

It's-it's called, uh, physiognomy.

There's really no such thing as the criminal face.

Beady eyes and a mustache

are only undesirable physiognomically speaking.

Yeah, well, I suppose that's true.

And here's a picture of me with the school band.

Hey, that's real hip.

I'm a trumpet man myself.

What do you play?

The triangle.

I know it doesn't sound like much,

but they needed somebody to fill out the drill formations.

Well, heck, the triangle's

more important than most people think.

Do you really think so? Yeah.

Your cake looks delicious, Mr. O'Casey.

Well, thank you.

But remember the old saying:

beware of an Irishman bearing gifts.

I could be just setting you up for the kill.

And the next time, I'll want to borrow a cup of sugar.

You'll be more than welcome.

And as soon as we're settled, I'll ask Aunt Marian

to bake you one of her special shortcakes.

Well, it seems like your Aunt Marian and I

have a great deal in common.

I'd be very glad to meet her.

Maybe we could swap some recipes

and even play a little game of gin rummy.

Well, there's no time like the present to find out.

Uh-oh, there comes the old tomato-pusher.

Pardon me?

Uh, I've had the pleasure.

Oh.

Marian, come in, dear.

Meet the Douglases.

This is Robbie Douglas.

Oh, hi, ma'am. How do you do, Robbie.

Mr. Douglas, may I present John's aunt,

Miss Marian Kaylor?

How do you do, Miss Kaylor?

How do you do, Mr. Douglas?

This is his son, Michael.

Michael. How do you do?

And this is Chip.

Hello, Chip.

I believe you've already met Mr. O'Casey.

Good heavens!

Mr. O'Casey is the one

who brought this beautiful cake over for us, Marian, dear.

Well, how many cups of rat poison

to how many cups of flour, Mr. O'Casey?

Really, Marian, that's not a very nice thing to say.

Isn't it, John?

This is the overage delinquent

that insulted me in the market this afternoon.

Oh.

Well, looks like our families don't get off

to a very good start, do they, Steve?

No, no.

But, uh, as we were saying, John, sometimes a shaky start

can turn into a lasting friendship.

Oh, uh, that's not necessarily true, Dad.

In fact, it's the exception rather than the rule...

Mike.

Now, look, uh, I thought

if an apology would do any good, I'll be glad to apologize.

I was in a hurry, and, uh, your aunt pinched

a few too many tomatoes, and I got a little salty, I guess.

A little salty?

Yes.

He told everybody within earshot that I looked like an elephant.

I said you danced like an elephant.

Oh.

Dad, how come that lady's picking on Bub?

Uh, Chip, you'd better stay out of this.

Well, if you ask me...

I think we'd better stay out of it, too, probably.

That's because your grandfather is in the wrong.

Are you out of your skull or something?

Uh, Robbie.

Wasn't his fault, Dad. She did start it.

Looks like the whole family's cut out of the same cloth.

Well, there's nothing wrong with our family, Sam.

Are you inferring there is with ours?

You said it, I didn't.

Now, uh, Bub, just a minute.

O'Casey, it's a good thing you're not 20 years younger.

Hold on just a minute.

John, please.

Margaret, if there's one thing

I expect from a wife, it's loyalty.

Now, Kaylor, calm down.

And you stay out of this.

See how he flaunts his six-foot-three?

What'd I tell you?

I'm not flaunting anything.

And I think we'd better go home, Bub.

Come on, Chip.

Good night, Kaylor. Good night, Douglas.

Say good night to the Kaylors, boys.

Good night. Good night.

Good night.

We had a nice time.

You know what it was?

It was kind of a mob hysteria.

Somebody would just say one little thing wrong,

and then the next person would rush in and defend him,

and before you know it, we had a fire going

made up of the twigs of little mistakes.

That's a quote.

Delighted to hear it.

You know, the same thing happened

at the Battle of Bull Run.

Steve, can't you shut this mug off?

Well, we tried.

That's all we can do.

I still think it's a nice family over there.

Oh, well it is, Dad.

Our chemistry just isn't right.

Oh, not on your shirt, Chip.

Here.

She's really not a bad girl, for a triangle player.

Well, all the postmortems in the world

aren't gonna help anything.

Come on, Chip, it's time for you to go to bed.

We tried and we goofed, that's all.

Oh, who could that be?

Well, the luck we're running in,

it's probably an eviction notice.

Hi, Steve.

Um, we just blew a fuse over at our house,

in more ways than one.

Wondered if we could plug in our coffee pot over here.

Come in, John.

Come on in, the cake's still fresh.

Come on. Nice of you to come over.

Glad you came back.

Come on.

Dad?

Yes, Chip?

Can I see you a minute? Oh, sure, Chip.

Excuse me, please.

Dad? Hmm?

Did they really blow a fuse at their house?

No, I don't really think so.

It's just their way of saying they want to be friends.

That kind of dumb?

I guess maybe it is, Chip.

But, uh, we grown-ups aren't always

too bright about a lot of things.

Oh.

Remember that when I bring home my next report card, huh, Dad?