All language subtitles for Horrible Histories The Movie 2019 1080p HEVC BigJ0554

HE ROARS

HE COUGHS

That's really not good
for your tonsils, that.

Right, that's enough of the logos.

I bet you've all finished your
popcorn in the time it took to
watch all that.

Can we please start the movie?

Argh!

Ancient Rome.

The centre of civilisation.

"Wasn't built in a day, you know."

Although that was the builder's
original estimate.

Little joke for builders there.

What's that other saying?

"All sewers lead to Rome."

Yeah, that's the one.

Cor, look at the manure
on that cart!

It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

HE IMITATES EATING

Anyway, it's 54AD, and Emperor
Claudius is in charge here.

But maybe not for long...

Doom! Doom!

The chicken guts speak the future.

Betrayal, conspiracy and death!

In other words, just a normal day
in Rome, really.

Has anyone seen my chicken?

No, not me.

GROANING

I am done for!

Poisoned!

I journey to the underworld,
happy that I...

..Claudius, shall
ever he remembered

as the Roman emperor who finally
conquered Britain.

Where's Britain?

Is that part of the Empire?

I thought it was just a weird stain.

Where's the doctor?

Actually, I'm feeling
a lot better now.

I don't think I need a doctor.

Darling, you can't be too careful.

Doctor, come quickly,
it's my husband.

What's the matter? He's not dying!

Not dying?

Between me and you, Mother
poisoned him with some mushrooms,
but he's thrown them up.

So, I want you to tickle his throat

with this poisoned feather

and finish the job.

I couldn't possibly.

Or you'll be next.

Emperor?No, really!

I'm feeling OK now.

Open wide, say, "Ah!"

HE GROANS

Yes, get in!

Sorry, can I...

Who's in charge now?

All hail my son,

Emperor Nero.

THEY CHANT NERO

Hail me, cheers, Mum.

Ruler of the whole Roman Empire,

even that stainy bit.

Except, I'll be ruling
until you come of age.

What? That's not for
another five years.

Huh?

Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats

as the Emperor Nero birthday games
will begin shortly.

Would the owner of the blue chariot,
registration CXB,

please remove it as it is
obstructing the arena gates?

Look at the queue!

Why is it always so long?
It's a bottleneck.

A big crowd going through a narrow
entrance causes an impediment to
the flow.

Don't be clever, Atti.

I think we should limit
your scroll time.

What? We're here to see
real men fighting.

Get stuck into proper Roman life,
son.

Julia! Ave Flavia!

Is this your Celsius?
He's been accepted into the army.

Proper job for a proper Roman.
Well done, lad.

Cheers. You must be so proud!

Couldn't be prouder. We've just
bought him some new sandals to
say well done.

Check them out. Why can't
you be more like Celsius?

No fakes, no copies. Loser!

Sporcus the Gladiator's very own
sandals, as worn by the man himself.

How much?200 Denarii.

But it says 100.

No, it doesn't. Yeah, look. See?

100 Denarii.

Well, that's per shoe.

Who ever heard of "per shoe"?
Who's going to buy one shoe?

A one-legged man?

Do you have this one in red?

Please don't sell them
to anyone else.

I won't, unless they bring me
the money first.

Gladiator sweat! Makes you young!

Gladiator sweat!

Lovely hum. How much?

To you, 200 Denarii.

How do I know it works?

I'm 97, mate.

I'll take it.

Feeling peckish?

Why not try our pick 'n' mix
selection?

Peacock tongues, stuffed snails
and roast dormouse.

Available from the arena kiosk.

Right, you lot, this is a big match.

It's Nero's birthday.

So I want all of you to give it CX%.

Got that? Yes, boss.

And, remember, when you get out
there, you turn to Nero and you say,

"We who are about to
die salute you."

What is it, Severus?

I've been getting into this sports
psychology thing, and that whole
"about to die" bit -

it just really messes
with my energy, man.

I mean, it's kind of negative.
I just don't think it's me.

We all have our "thing", right?
You're the massive one, you're
the other massive one.

You're the one with the funny voice.

HIGH-PITCHED: I don't
have a funny voice!

I thought I can be the
"doesn't die" guy.

You listen to me.

Say it, or I'll kill you myself

and spare all these scumbags
the bother.

HE CHUCKLES

OK.

Go on, move it, the lot of you!

That's nowhere near enough.

HORSE WEES NOISILY

HE PANTS

I'm the legate from Britain.

Britain, you know -
edge of the Empire.

I have a gift for Emperor Nero.

Must be on the list.

Happy birthday, mein Emperor.

We have killed a bear
in your honour.

Hollowed him out for a onesie.

I love it!

Look, I'm a bear!

NERO ROARS

Ow!

You scratched me.

Bear costume from Germany.

What are you doing?
I'm making a list

so you can write thank you letters.

Well, don't,
because I'm in charge now

and I'm not writing
thank you letters.

People can thank me
for taking their presents.

Shouldn't they? Mm.Yeah. Next.

There! There we are,
right at the bottom.

NERO: Next? MAN: The Gaulish legate.

So, where are you from?

Britain. Oh!

What did you bring him?
A bag of rain?

HE LAUGHS

No, lead.

Right, good luck with that.

HE CLICKS HIS TEETH

A razor? That's rubbish.

Take him away and punish him.

No!

SWORDS SWOOSH,
AGONISED GRUNT

Next! Greetings from Britain.
The stain?

Heavy. I hope it's gold.

I hope it's gold, I hope it's gold,
I hope it's gold!

It's not gold.

It's lead!

Use it for lining tanks,
weights and measures...

It's a joke!

Joke present.

I'll just go and get
your real present...

..now.

Present, present, present...

No.

Gladiator sweat!

Pure Gladiator sweat!

Cheers, mate.

Perfect, one bottle of sweat,
please.

All gone, mate.

You snooze-icus, you lose-icus.

What? But I need it now.

Did I hear you need some
Gladiator sweat? 200 Dinarii.

I'll take it.

Ladies and gentlemen...

..Christians and lions!

Come on, you lions! Shush!

Please, show your appreciation
for the all powerful ruler

of the Roman Empire!

Mum, Mum! He was talking about me.

That's my throne, Mother, get off!
Get off!

No, no! Darling,
everyone's watching.

Don't make a spectacle.

You said I'd be in charge,
so now I'm in charge.

Are you? Yes, whose face
is it on the coins?

Whose face? My face.

Exactly, your face.

What?

Well, what's your face
doing on my coins?

We who are about to die salute you.

Goody, some mindless violence.

Who's got a funny voice now?

"Come to the games," you said. "I've
got front row seats," you said.

On the head, son!

Atti, where have you been?

How on earth did you get those?

I had this really clever idea.

My Emperor! From Britain,
what I meant to give you.

Pure Gladiator sweat.

The finest anti-ageing lotion
in all of Rome.

Not that you need it, obviously.

It's a challenging aroma. Very.

Notes of fresh grass and leather -
I like it.

It's so you!

That's horse wee.

Horse wee? It's so not you.

You're dead.It was him!

He sold it to me.

My chambers, now.

Right, punishments...

This one, I'm thinking, roll down
a hill in a barrel full of spikes.
Inspired.

Say thank you to the Emperor.
Thank you, Emperor.

And this one, crucifixion.
Wonderful.

Teeny hiccup - legally, you're not
supposed to crucify Roman citizens.

Annoying. How about the one where
they sew 'em in a sack with a snake
a dog, a rooster and a monkey

and chuck them in the river Tiber?

Technically, that's for the crime
of killing your own father.

This is impossible!

He ruined my birthday!

He deserves a fate worse than death.

Worse than death?

What could be worse than death?

I've got it!

I'll send you to Britain.

Where?Exactly.

I'll make you a soldier.

So you'll have to wear short skirts
with bare legs in the freezing cold.

No, please. I'm sorry.

To Britain with him. No, but...

But I can't fight!

I just wanted a new pair of sandals.

See where being clever gets ya?

Shall I run Emperor a bath?

Why?

Oh, yeah!

MUSIC PLAYS

You're not having a sword.

Dad, please. I said no, Orla.

But I want to be a Celtic warrior!

It's not fair!

Girls my age in other tribes
have swords.

Yeah. Well, I am chieftain
of this tribe

and I'm saying to you
you're not ready to fight.

But I am! I want to fight Romans.

Why? We can't beat them,
they're too strong.

They're too organised.

METAL CLANGS OUTSIDE
Whereas, the Celtic tribes -

I mean, they can't stop
feuding with one another.

What is that banging? Excuse me.

CLANKING CONTINUES

Brenda?

Hello. Where did you get
that shield from?

I, I found it.

You didn't steal it off the
Brigantes tribe, did you?

Me? No.

Looks nice, Gran. Thanks, love.

Look...

We don't want to start a war
we can't win, you know?

The modern way of doing it

is to co-operate with the Romans.

Like the Iceni tribe do!

Roman lovers!

Not all Romans are bad.

Name one good thing about them.

Fine, um...

Their roads are excellent.

So straight, you know.
How could you not like that?

I don't think Dougal likes it.

Oh, come on, Dad.
They're so annoying.

They just go round taking
whatever they want,

marching all over everything.

I mean, why would we want
to co-operate with them?

I've heard the Iceni are doing
all right out of it.

Let's just go and see for ourselves.

Can I come?

Yes, fine. Just...
try not to steal anything.

What, me?

Ah!

Lovely.

Come on, Brenda.

Ah! Look at the Roman pillars
on their chief's hut.

I like those.

Yes, the Iceni are certainly
progressive.Yeah, their girls
are allowed swords.

Chief Prasutagus certainly
knows how to live.

Prasutagus is dead.

I tried to save him.

I used the most advanced
Celtic medicine.

You got a dog to lick him?

Then you did all that could be done.

HE SOBS

That's Prasutagus' wife, Boudicca.

She's queen now.

As Roman Procurator, it falls to me,

Catus Decianus, to read the will.

"I, Prasutagus, chief of the Iceni,

"do hereby leave all
my worldly possessions to...

"..my cat."

I'm joking.

Joking.Sorry, what's a cat?

It's a Roman thing,
like a small furry dog -

only it doesn't really like you,
it just pretends to like you
to get food.

But it, it doesn't really matter
cos I, I was only joking.

Everything goes to Nero.

SHE LAUGHS

That's the joke, right?

No. Perfectly serious.

Men!

HE WHISTLES

SOLDIER 1: Yes, sir.SOLDIER 2: Sir.

But we had an agreement.

It was meant to be split
between Nero and me.

Minor technicality.

Put that back!
Yeah, you see, in Roman law,

only men can inherit, so Nero says,

as you don't have any sons,

all your wealth defaults to him.

You should have read
the old small print.

We're Celts - we can't read.

Well, you can't do this.

We're Romans, we can do
anything we want.

Come on then, boys. Let's get
this stuff back to Colchester.

That chaise is going to look lovely
in my atrium.

I won't stand for this!

This is not OK!

# From baddies to baddies

# The Romans made me poor

# And hungry

# I was sad, now I'm mad

# You won't like me when I'm angry

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

# You think that you can
steal our goods

# You think you're judge and jury

# You've taken everything I own

# Now all that's left is fury

# You said it's cos of
living under Roman suzerainty

# I don't know what that means but
I will be coming at you plenty

# Will chop you into slices

# And we'll hang your
guts for garters

# Serve you as prawn cocktail, guys

# And that is just for starters

# No man, Roman
can push around this woman

# You won't get far with Boudicca

# Bow man, yeoman,
smash the Roman foe man

# All say yah

Yah!

# Boudicca

# You'd better watch out, Nero,
you'll be squealing like a pup

# Your clock is down to zero,
man, your hashtag is time's up

# The ogre in the toga
won't survive this Celtic saga

# We'll put an end to bad Romans
and make them all go gaga

# In case I have not yet
made it clear

# You'll suffer from this outrage

# Going to paint ourselves blue

# You're going to witness
Wode rage

# Whack them, smack them

# Goad them and attack them

# Near and far, ha-ha-ha

# Flay them, slay them

# Up and down parade them

# Boudicca, toughest by far

# Colchester, London, St Albans

# Everyone will
talk about dead Romans

# Who's coming up to join me
as we head off to the city?

# We're going to see some action,
unlike us, it won't be pretty

# Our Celtic fighting frenzy's
going to put them in a whirl

# They won't like being beaten,
especially beaten by a girl

# Cut them, duff them

# Chase them down and starve them

# They won't get far with Boudicca

# Hit them, slit them

# Chased them till they quit them

# Boudicca, superstar

# Follow me to Colchester. #

CROWD YELLS

Whack them, smash them.

Come back here now.

What? But you said we should
follow the Iceni's example.

Yes, well, not any more.

I don't get it. First you say
be more like the Iceni

and then you change your mind.

Look, Orla, I don't want you to get
hurt. You're all I've got.

BRENDA CLEARS THROAT

Stop coughing.

I don't think you're ready.

I am. Why won't you believe me?

I want to take on
the romans and I can.

I'll prove it. No, no...

Orla, back home now, OK?

Hey, wearing the chief's hat!

You could give Orla a chance,
you know.

Don't encourage her.

Where did you get that?

It's mine. I brought it with me.

Really?

So I tell Catus, "Don't give
any of it to Boudicca.

"It's mine, all mine."

Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

You do know she's started
a rebellion?

Yes. Thank you, Mother.
I can handle this on my own.

All right, darling, if you're sure.
I am sure. Where are you going?

Well, since you don't want my help,

I thought I'd go on a little
imperial tour.

But the imperial tour's
for the Emperor,

for me to meet my subjects
on my imperial boat.

I'm the one in charge.

In charge of a terrible mess
in Britain.

I hope you're not remembered

as the Emperor who lost
part of his Empire.

Good luck stopping Boudicca.

Ciao.

If only there was a way
to get rid of her.

Send in more troops.

Not Boudicca, my mother.

How dare she take my boat?

MY boat.

HE GASPS

I have an idea.

Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

Well, you haven't heard it yet.

I'm going to booby-trap the boat,

make it sink while my
mother's on board.

You can say it now.
Brilliant. Quite brilliant.

Anyway, I've got nothing
to worry about.

My troops'll smash
Boudicca to pieces.

FIGHTING - CELTS LAUGH

Whoa! We smashed them!

That was awesome!
Pumped, so pumped, so pumped!

What an amazing show!

Do you think we went a bit overboard
with the smoke, though?

I mean, Bouds, you were just like
"Hello, Colchester!".

And then, you were like,
BOTH: "Goodbye, Colchester!"

THEY LAUGH
Yeah! We really tore them up!

You were on fire.

Yeah!

Thanks for putting me out. Mm.

ROMANS CHANT: Hup, hup, hup, hup...

Hup, hup, hup, hup...

And, halt!

Welcome to Britain, loser.
Leave me alone, Celcius.

What are you going to do about it,
Atti, tell your dad?

ATTI GRUNTS

On your feet, soldier!

But, sir...
Don't answer back.

Get down and give me ten!

One!

ATTI GRUNTS

Two.

Oh, make it five.
I haven't got all day.

Lame. Right, men, listen up!

This is my final mission
before I retire

and I intend to get it
over and done with

as quickly as possible
so I can return to Rome.

Ah, beautiful Rome.

With its dry Mediterranean climate
and nonstop summers.

Luckily, this is an easy posting.

Nothing ever happens here.
Well that's a downer.

Ah, here comes the Procurator.

Hail, Catus Decianus!

Yes, welcome to Britain.
And you are welcome to it.

A Celtic Queen called Boudicca's
gone loco.

Completely destroyed Colchester.

Anyway, there are your orders. Bye!

"Catus, defend the Empire and
crush the Celts."

Hang on a minute.
These are your orders.

Just going to borrow your boat.

You won't be needing it
seeing as you'll all be dead!

Right, men, forward march!

For the glory of Rome!

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Wonderful Rome.

Its vines hanging heavy with
succulent, sun-ripened grapes.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Hello, I'm calling today
on behalf of Boudicca,

Queen of the Iceni.

Sorry, I never buy things
at the door.

No, sir we're not selling,
we're recruiting,

for her army. We're asking
Celtic tribes to unite.

Yeah, not interested.

SWORDS SWOOSH

You're either with us,

or you're against us.

Oh, Boudicca's army, you say?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Love that. Yeah.

SINGS: # Bash them Celts
and smash their heads!

ARMY: # Bash them Celts
and smash their heads!

# I would rather be in bed

# I would rather be in bed

# We're Roman soldiers
trained to kill

ARMY: # We're Roman soldiers
trained to kill

# This guy really needs to chill

THEY CHUCKLE: # This guy
really needs to chill... #

Atti, you're a legend.

Quiet at the back!

I'll show my dad.

DECIMUS:
# Battle with the Celtic tribes

ARMY: # Battle with the Celtic...
Stupid sandals.

# Just a minute, hold on, guys... #

No, seriously. Guys, hold on.

Guys...

ARMY CONTINUES CHANTING

Where's Atti gone? Don't know.

Now who says I'm not
ready to be a warrior?

Orla, what have you done?

Taken a Roman prisoner,

all on my own.

See, told you I could do it.

You're just going to have to
take him back.

What? I thought you'd be pleased.

You can't keep a prisoner.
It's hard work.

You have to feed it.
You have to exercise it.

Who's going to clean up after him?
I am here, you know?

He's my prisoner. I found him,
and I want to keep him.

OK, fine.

You'll get bored soon enough,
and then someone

will have to get rid of him.

There's no pleasing some people.

HE IMITATES BRENDA:
"There's no pleasing some people".

ATTI SNIFFS

You can't keep me in a pig shed.

It...it's inhumane.What?

This is our best hut.

Why does it smell like animal poo?

How do you think we made
the walls, stupid?

Oh, gross.

And who are you calling stupid?

You're a Celt.
I heard you lot can't even read.

So? So, Celts know nothing
about anything.Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Ha!

Oh!

Don't you like our decorations?
Decorations?

You lot are savages.
Says a Roman!

You're the ones turning
up here killing everyone.

Eh, we're civilising you.

Well, we don't want to be
"civilised", thanks.

We're happy with things
just the way they are.

What, you actually want walls
made out of poo?

In Rome, our houses are made
out of stone.

And we have proper decorations,
like sculptures

and mosaics and fountains...Really?

Well if it's so amazing, why
don't you just go back home?

No-one wants you here.

You should all go,
before Boudicca makes you.

What, you seriously think the
Romans can be bested by a girl?

HE GRUNTS

Bested.

HE SIGHS

I'll take that sword,
thank you, young lady.

Dad!

NERO CHUCKLES

Look, these two are fighting.

GUARD CLEARS THROAT

All right, all right.

Put the catapults here.
Very good, Emperor.

And then our troops are like,
"Oh, the Britons are cold,

"let's warm them up".

They unleash burning tar, and the
Britons are like,

"Help, I'm melting".

That's a Roman spear going
straight through the back.

I bring grave news, Emperor.Oh, no,
my mother's boat sank. She's dead.

It's not about your mother.

It says Boudicca has burnt
Colchester to the ground.

You what?

Oh, please,
Emperor, don't shoot the...

HE YELLS

Fantastic shot.

MESSENGER GROANS

It says more tribes are
joining her uprising.

She's uniting the Celts.

No, no, no, no, no,
you did that all wrong.

Look, it's like this.

Clippity, cloppity,
clippity, cloppy.

NERO NEIGHS

Clippity, cloppity.

How many times, Orla?

You cannot come
to Boudicca's rally.

Because number one,
you're not a warrior.

Yeah, I am.

Number two, you have got
a prisoner to feed.

And number three,

because I said so.

All right? Let's bounce.

SHE SIGHS

What's that? I'm starving.

Parsnip soup.

Have you not got any
proper food?

Like sow's udders,
or flamingo tongues?

What? Jellyfish omelette?

SHE SIGHS

Well, if you don't want it...
No, I...

I'll try some.

Thanks.

SOUP SLOPS

I'm Atti, by the way.

I'm...not telling you my name.

Right. Well nice to meet you,
"Not Telling You My Name".

I'm Orla, all right?

So, Orla, what are you going to do
with me now?

Or don't you know?
Of course I know.

I've had loads of prisoners before.
Like, all the time.

Course you have.

I guess you're planning to...

..ransom me.Yeah.

Yeah that's exactly
what I was thinking.

Ransom you and get some money.

Bingo. You get the cash,
I get to go home,

everybody's happy.

I'm not interested
in your happiness.

Charming.

CROWD CHEERS

When two tribes go to war,

we can burn the Roman capital
to the ground!

CROWD CHEERS

Imagine what we could do if all
the Celtic tribes united!

You're right.

Oi. Stop winding up the
Brigantes, will you?

I'm not! Take 'em all down.
So put aside your petty squabbles.

Well, who cares if he
called you names?

Who cares if she stole your shield?

Was that you?
Might have been, big nose!

Stealing's not nice, you know.

I'm going to make you regret it.
Oh, yeah? You and who's army?

Me and my army!MEN: Yeah!

Did you hear what I just said?

All right, we need to unite.
This is war.

Too right it's war!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

CROWD SHOUTS

Save it for the Romans!

My tribe, over here now!

You're going to get
what's coming to you.

Whatever! By the full moon.

I'm sorry.

But if you think you can unite the
Celtic tribes, good luck.

CROWD CLAMOURS

NERO: Who are these guys?
Those are trees.

I knew that. Who are these?

That's the Ninth Legion.
The IX men.

The most feared fighting force
in the Roman Army.

We shouldn't use them. We should
give them the month off.

Are you sure, Emperor?
No, of course we should use them!

I was being sarcastic, weren't I?

Oh, yes.
Send them into battle.

And I suggest you make
the correct noise.

Ch-ch-ch...

RHYTHMIC MARCHING

Can't lose now, high V!

I'm the best at war!
Boudicca's going down.

Much like mother on my imperial
boat.

Yes, I don't need my mummy!

# Goodbye, mother, Roma's Rose

# Turns out that your plans for me

# Washed up, all at sea

# No-one can tell me
you must invade here

# Tidy up, wash behind your ears

# I'm coming for you

# No-one are nothing left to...

# Isn't it funny how
I don't need my mummy, oh yeah?

# I'm a big boy now

# With no more Claudius
and Mum overboard-ius

# Nero gonna take a bow

# No god is stupider

# You can't ignore me
so you best kneel before me

# I'm still standing,
the king of the hills

# Top man, big thrills

# Boudicca's looking for a fight

# All right, Saturday night

# She'll run when

# She's face-to-face with my IX men

# If I can get rid of my matriarch

# Boudicca will be
a stroll in the park

# Isn't it funny
how I don't need my mummy?

# Oh, yeah, I'm a big boy now

# Better than Caesar,
I'm a real diamond geezer

# Gonna change this town and how

# So many plans but...

# And wouldn't let me have a go

# Now no-one's bossing me

# There'll be no stopping me

# Watch out for the Nero show

# Going to rebrand April

# Call it Neronius

# Live on my own-ius

# Call it Neropolis

# Finally prove that
I'm top of the pop-olis

# Yea-a-a-a-ah

# I'm the real McCoy

# Yea-a-a-a-ah

# I ain't no mummy's boy

# Without Agrippina
as a mean intervener

# Ruling's gonna be such fun

# Cos what do you know?

# I'm numero uno... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Oh, hello, Mum.

My boat sank.

LAST CHORD OF SONG PLAYS

GOATS BLEAT

Uh, what are you doing?

Go on, then, write your ransom
note.

You want me to write
my own ransom note?

Oh, Celts can't write.

Get writing, prisoner.

"Send one unarmed soldier...

..with 30 Roman coins...
Rude. I'm worth way more than that.

SHE SNIGGERS

I'd say 30 was pushing it.

"..by the full moon,
or we'll send him back...

"..dead."

You have written that, haven't you?

Word for word?

Of course.

IX men.

Wow. Loving the camouflage, Cedric.

HE WHISPERS: That's just a bush.

I knew that.

Right. Ready?

Booouuu...
CELTS SHOUT: ..dicaaaa!

SOLDIERS SCREAM

Uh, where do you think
you're going, messenger?

So, how did Boudicca die?
Is her head on a spike?

Give me all the gory details.
Come on.

Well, the IX men
have now become the...ex-men.

Because the Celts were all like,
"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh".

And the Roman guts were all like,
"squidge, squidge..."

Don't make the noises! You only make
the noises when it's going well!

HE STRAINS

Who said you can move?

HE GRUNTS

Can I get some help? Hm?

A little bit of help.

Tuscan marble.

A table worthy of a mighty Emperor.

On my three.

One, two, three.

Argh! Oooh!

DIMIDIUS SHOUTS: Atti!

Atti, mate!

Atti!

Atti!

It's like he was here one minute,
and now he's gone.

Oh, you don't think he
was eaten by a tiger?

I'm not sure there's tigers
in Britain.

A squirrel then?

HELMET CLANGS - TIMIDIUS GASPS

We're under attack!
CELCIUS: Form a testudo!

DIMIDIUS: Oh, it's from Atti.
TIMIDIUS: What does it say?

"Kidnapped by Celts.
Please rescue by the full moon.

"Celts are sausages, espe..."
Uh, uh...

I think that says "savages".

Yeah. Yeah."Celts are savages,
especially the girls.

"Atti. PS. Food awful.

"PPS. Aaargh!"

Are you expecting rain?

Has he turned up yet?
I will not lose a man from my unit.

Still no sign of him, sir.
He must have deserted.

Deserted? He's just the type.
I know him from Rome.

Ah, Rome...

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Beautiful really-not-that-far-away
Rome.

He's probably stolen a horse,
ridden to the coast,

found a friendly fisherman,

hitched a ride to Gaul,
and run all the way home.

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
Or something like that, anyway.

HE SNIFFS

DECIMUS: What?

PAPER RIPS

Uh, what are you doing?

Shouldn't we be rescuing him?

You, stay out of it.

Very rude.

OWL HOOTS

My men are coming.

SHE SCOFFS

Yeah, right.

I bet they'll be here
within the hour.

What's an hour?

You don't have sundials, do you?

Do you want to see something clever?

If I must.

OK. Imagine that that is the sun.

This is Britain,
we don't have sun.

Imagine you're in Rome
and that is the sun.

Now as the sun rises,

it casts a shadow, here...

..and then at sunset...

..there.

Now, all you do
is divide the daylight

into 12 equal sections

and each one of them
is a Roman hour.

Hours are shorter in the winter
and get longer in the summer.

Cos that's not confusing!

It's not, you see the days are
longer so the hours are longer.

Simple.

So it's the summer now, which
means the hours are longer.

Mm-hm.

So by my calculations, your men
will be here in the next hour means

they're never coming.

Loser.

ATTI: Guys, you came!

Oh, sorry, mate, wrong hut.

Excuse me. You left the door open.

Grab the old woman.

BRENDA: Oi! Less of the old!

Up you get, love. Get off me!

SHE GRUNTS AND GROANS

MAN LAUGHS

That will teach you to mess with
the Brigantes.

Boot's on the other foot,
isn't it, lady?

See how you like it.

ATTI: Ooh, they left the door open.

Orla.

Orla, Brenda's been taken.

What?

It must have been the Brigantes.

And the Roman's escaped. Brilliant.

What if he gets his mates
and comes back here?

Well, I don't understand.
I tied him up really well.

I'm going to get him back.

No, you're not.He can't have got
far. This time I'll kill him

and then I'll go and rescue Gran.
No way.Come on, Dad.

I'm ready to be a warrior.
Just let me prove it.

OK.Yes!

I'll need the sword.
You're impossible.

My own sword! Hey! It's to borrow

and only use it in an emergency.

Thanks, Dad!
I can do it, trust me!

Hi, Orla.

HELMET CLANGS

Ugh, not again!

Can I just say how well-tied
your knots were?

Very impressive.
Shut up and prepare to die, Roman.

No, no, no, stop.
They took your gran, right?

I can help you get her back.

How? I...um...know stuff.

Yeah, I won't be needing a sundial.

Not just sundials, other stuff.
Roman know-how.

We can share our skills.

Teamwork makes the dream work.

OK, fine.

But we're not a team.

You're still my prisoner.

I mean it.

If you try anything...

Walk.

To battle! To war! Ha, ha, ha!

Your army grows, Boudicca.

More Britons come to
your side every day.

How many are we now, then? 50,000.

Oh! 50,001.

CROWD CHEERS

Welcome aboard.

50,002.

CROWD CHEERS

Good to have you.

Fifty thousand and threeeee!

HE GRUNTS

Oh!

Uh, 50,002.

Whoops! Uh...

Thanks for your service.

Shall we, uh...

Shall we go and burn London?
Yeah, all right.

THEY ALL YELL

And this is me, in Capri,
at the Imperial Banquet,

in my honour.

Nobody cares about
your holiday carvings, Mother.

And here's me
in my luxury VIP suite,

in my luxury VIP villa.

Goat's brains
in a rotten fish guts sauce?

Nein. I couldn't possibly.
I'm too full.

Bucket. Bucket!

It's the polite Roman way.

Be sick so you can eat more food.

And zey call us barbarians!

HE VOMITS

"Come to Nero's dinner party",
you said.

"It'll be fun", you said.

You won't believe this,
but one night,

the ceiling, right above my bed,
collapsed.

It's almost like somebody
booby-trapped it.

Thank Juno I wasn't in bed,

or I'd have been flattened.

Imagine.

Do excuse me. I just need
to nip to the loo.

Oh.

HE WEES - HE SIGHS

HE KEEPS WEEING

HE KEEPS WEEING

WEEING STOPS

SILENCE

HE WEES AGAIN

HE SIGHS

Lovely.

I hear Boudicca is heading
for London.

You really ought to stop her.

You know what Claudius would
have done?

Guess what? I don't care
what Claudius would've done.

I'm in charge now.
Don't you forget it.

He'd have sent in the Governor.

MIMICS HER:
"He'd have sent in the Governor."

Yeah. What? There's
a Governor in Britain?

Yes, Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.

And what is he doing?

He's in Wales, O Mighty One,
defeating druids.

Druids? Savage Celtic priests.

Well, tell him to stop that
and to sort out Boudicca.

Well done, darling.

Don't patronise me.
I'm on top of this.

HE WHISPERS: Where's Wales?

FIGHTERS GRUNT

ls nobody a match
for the mighty Paulinus?

Nero will no doubt bestow an
award for this.

ECHOING: Paulinus! Paulinus!

Paulinus's name on the wind.

'Tis the gods
commending his triumph.

Paulinus! Paulinus.

Oh, it is you, weedy messenger.

HE PANTS

It's much...much...

HE WHEEZES

It's much hillier than
I thought it would be.

Oh, it is Wales, Weed,
Druid country.

DRUID WAILS

Hold that thought!

HE GRUNTS

DRUID WAILS - THEY GRUNT

Paulinus has crushed them
in the name of Nero.

But that's just it.

Nero's message says
you are to stop immediately.

Stop?

Paulinus never stops! Oh!

You have to stop.
Nero is really annoyed.

What?

Ah!

Yes. An even greater victory
awaits Paulinus.

To destroy Boudicca
and vanquish the Celts.

Men! Stop!

Urgh!

Sorry.

Follow Paulinus!

At the double!

MESSENGER GASPS

You really don't need to point
that thing at me, you know?

Not now we're a team.

Bet you don't even know
how to use it.

Oh!Yep.

I train in secret.
I'm going to be a warrior.

You know Celts are the toughest
fighters in the world.

Really?

So, why is there
a Roman Empire then?

Never heard of a British one.

You won't be so smug when
Boudicca has thrashed you.

I'm going to join her army
after we've rescued Gran.

You actually want to join the army?
You're crazy.

No, I'm not. It'll be awesome.
Looking all fierce,

painted with blue woad,
being in a gang.

I was made to join up
as a punishment.Punishment?

How is it a punishment?

Uh, let me think about that.
Oh, there's the marching

the being shouted at, the marching,
the getting bullied.

Did I mention the marching?

CROWD CHANTS:
Boudicca! Boudicca!

No way! It's Boudicca. She's here.

CROWD CHANTS:
Boudicca! Boudicca!

Come on.

CROWD SHOUTS AND CHEERS

BOUDICCA: Hey! Hello!

CROWD CHANTS: Boudicca!
Everybody OK?

Come, let's do this!

MUSIC PUMPS

# Hello, Celtic hordes

# How you doing, guys, all right?

# I'm headlining,
we're off to scalp

# Some Roman heads tonight

# It's great to be here with you now

# So good to see you all

# I hope to catch you later

# Down at the merchandise stall

# We're live on tour
for loads more war

# Now let me hear you shout

# It only ends the day we're sure

# The Romans been kicked out

ALL: # No man, Roman'll
push around this woman

# You won't get far with Boudicca

# Bowmen, yeomen,
smash the Roman foe-man

# All say yah!
Yah!

# Boudicca! #

CROWD CHEERS

What shall we do for an encore?

How about London?

CROWD CHEERS

She's incredible.
I mean, look at her.

What are you doing?

Oh! Not scared
of a few Celts, are you?

Are you just going to keep dancing

or do you want to go
and rescue your gran?

Yeah, that's what I thought.

MEN CHATTER INDISTINCTLY

There's Gran.

Let's go.

You can't just barge in there.

We'll get killed.
We need to be clever.

We need a plan.

All right, big shot.
So what is your plan?

Well, the plan was to escape
before we got here.

So now...

No...got nothing.

You said Romans know stuff.

We do.

Yeah, we do.

A poppy?
You're giving me flowers? No.

There's this Roman potion
I read about in my scrolls.

Just need a few more ingredients.

MEN CHATTER

BUBBLING

HE STIFLES A SNEEZE

Don't you dare!

It's the tree.

I think I'm...

a...allergic.

HE SNEEZES

Whoa!

THEY GRUNT

CELTS SNORE

It worked!

How long before they wake up?

I dunno.What do you mean,
you don't know?

I've never made it before.

I only read about it.

You mean they could wake up
any minute?

Gran.

Gran!

Orla, you came!

What's he doing here?

Long story. Orla!

Can you chop this off for me?

I'll be back.

The plait. Not the head.

I know, I'm not a savage.

Mm...

Whoa. Roman catapult.

Technically a ballista.

Awesome. Well, it's Roman,
isn't it? So...

Now all we need is a projectile.

Something heavy.

CELT SNORES

HE GROANS

Not that heavy!

Stand back, Gran!

Well done, my little bramble!

Oh, food.

I am starving.

Gran, no!

SHE SLURPS

CELT ROARS

Oh, no, they're waking up!

ZOMBIE-LIKE MOANING

Oh!

Ha!

HORSE SNORTS

How do you make it go?
Uh...give it a carrot.

What? You got a carrot? No!

ZOMBIE MOANING CONTINUES

Come on, quick!

HORSE NEIGHS

Whoa!

Atti, where are the brakes?

Orla!

MOANING CONTINUES

Wait!

CELTS YELL

Orla, slow down!

Oh, come on!

HE GASPS

Whoooo!We did it!

Whoooo!

Woohoo!

PAULINUS: London burns.
Great fire.

Let's hope
it never happens again.

And so Boudicca destroys
another Roman city.

Her army overwhelms us.

Whoa, that must be him.

That must be Paulinus,
the Governor.

He's a lot smaller
than he looks in the mosaics.

Centurion Decimus Maximus
reporting for duty, sir!

HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS

We may be outnumbered...

..we may face certain death...

..but we must strike the Celts

for the glory of Rome!

ALL: The glory of Rome!

Is what some might say.

HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

But if we turn this green grass
red with our own blood,

the Celts will win,

and where will the glory of Rome
be then?

Better to bide our time.

Wait for another opportunity
to confront her.

Would be the words of a coward!

HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS

Our swords, once drawn,
cannot be sheathed

until they slay ten Celts each!

It does not matter
if we live or die...

HE SNORTS

..would be the words
of a rash man.

HEROIC MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY
HE SIGHS

We will wait.

Let London burn.

We will have our hour later.

Or will we?

HEROIC MUSIC RESTARTS
Yes, we will.

And so speaks Paulinus.

I'm a bit confused now.

I can't believe we just
fired a guy through the air.

Who taught you
how to make a catapult?

No-one. I just read about them
in my scrolls.

Although, I think we may have
borrowed that idea from the Greeks.

You stole it? Yeah, but there's
loads of other great things

we did come up with.
Like what? Roman baths.

Actually, I think we nicked
that idea from the Greeks too.

You Romans are such
a bunch of thieves.

Gladiators. They're Roman.

What's a gladiator?

Someone who fights
for entertainment. You'd love it.

Yeah, sounds awesome.

I could have just cut those ropes
on the cage with my sword.

Now you tell me.

Get down.

Celts.

if they see you dressed like that,
you're in trouble.

Nice!

HE SIGHS

Oh, traffic jam.

This is Colin,
your eye in the sky

with the travel news.

And there's heavy congestion
on Watling Street.

It is nose-to-tail out there.

HORSE FARTS

Phew!

As thousands of Celts head
to join Boudicca's rebellion

we're seeing jams build up
right here

where three lanes
merge into one.

Ah, yes, classic bottleneck.

Hey, you cut me up!

If you don't shut it,
I will cut you up.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Right, this is actually happening.

CROWD CLAMOURS

CROWD CHANTS:
Fight, fight, fight!

We'll get stuck
if we go up there.

Let's find another way.

HARP TWANGS

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

"Sorry we missed you.
You were out."

Wait! I'm in!

I'm in, by Jupiter!

LIQUID SPLASHES
HE SIGHS

Oh, someone's nervous.

Sponge? Oh, thanks very much.

Ah - caught short, were you?
What news?

No news, Emperor.
I was just passing.

What's that then?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, this?

Oh, it's just a bit of paper...

that I'm using to, um...

HE FARTS

..wipe my bottom.

Toilet paper?

That will never catch on.

You're lying.

"London has fallen."

HE GASPS

Boudicca has burnt down
another one of my cities!

Right! No more Mr Nice Guy.

THEY FART
POO PLOPS

Oh, this is all your fault,
Claudius.

You had to go and conquer
that weird stain Britain.

Now I'm gonna be the Emperor
who lost the Roman Empire.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE:
I could help you.

Whoa!

Claudius, you speak!

I'm sorry about the whole
murdering you thing.

CLAUDIUS: Forget about it.

Want to know
how to save Britain?

Yes, yes, yes. Please, yes.

Tell Paulinus
he cannot win on strength.

He must use strategy.

Find a way to trap the Celts.

Ooh, trap them, that's good.

And listen to your mother.

For she is clever

and cunning
and really quite beautiful.

Be sure to give her
whatever she asks for.

NERO: Mother!

I'm right, though, aren't I?

APPLAUSE

Orla's back!

YAWNS

Dad, we did it!
We rescued Gran.

Ah, my girl.

My little Celtic warrior.
I'm so proud of you.

Hold on, what's that Roman doing
back here?

I thought you was gonna
kill him, Orla.

We could kill him.

Wait, I um... I helped her
rescue Brenda.

It's true. He did.

We should be thanking the gods.

Exactly. So...

..let's sacrifice him.

What?

Sacrifice! Yeah, drown him
in the bog!

Uh, hang on a minute. No, he'll be
an offering to our gods.

You lucky thing.

Hey, it's a great honour.

Orla, tell them, please.
Bog!

CELTS CHANT:

Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog! Bog!

Come on!

Orla?

Orla, help!

CHANTING CONTINUES

# Bog on the bog
A bogga bog bog

# It's time to bogga bog

# Take it to the bog
Can't bring it to the bog

# A bogga bogga bogga
to the max I am

# No stopping in the bog
Let's drop him in the bog

# Bogga bogga bogga bogga bog

# Let's jam, yeah
Let's jam, yeah. #

As you were.

CHANTING CONTINUES

Orla, do something.
Dad, wait, just wait.

Look, me and Atti,
we rescued Gran together.

So I really think...

..I should have the honour
of killing him. What?

I thought we were mates.Well,
I have proved myself, haven't I?

Yes, yes, you have.

Go on, he's all yours.

Makes you proud.
Oh, they grow up so fast.

Seriously? After everything?

Shut up and keep walking.

When I tell you to run,

leg it and don't look back.

Really?

Won't you get into trouble?

What will your dad say?

Thanks, Orla.

Run!

Oi! He's getting away.

Oh, she's letting him go!

What was that for?

Well, we never get to chuck anyone
in the bog any more.

Dad, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Not a good enough reason.

HE PANTS

Guys! Guys!

It's me, I found you.

Atti! Oh, yeah...

..we were gonna come and rescue you,
but, uh...

Hello, Atti!

I've caught the deserter!

Deserter? What?

No, I was captured and taken
prisoner by a tribe of Celts.

Tell us the location
of this tribe

and they will feel
the wrath of Rome.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Beautiful, civilised Rome.

With its brick walls
and proper toilets.

ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

Well, soldier?

I... I can't tell you
their location.

Because there is no such tribe.

The deserter is to receive
100 lashes.

Could be worse. And then is to be
cudgelled to death by his comrades.

Yeah, that's worse.

# I'm in a bind
That's what I find

# Cos I went with my heart
not my head

# Couldn't let them hurt her
Now I'm a deserter

# Should I have betrayed her
instead?

# Thought I was strong
Maybe I'm wrong

# Made a friend from our enemy, Rome

# Lacked the killer punch
when it came to the crunch

# Now I'm Orla All Alone

BOTH: # Wish I could
turn the sundial back

# To before I felt this pain

# Having a BFF made my life a mess

# Will I ever see her again...? #

Stop that! Stop it!

MUSIC STOPS

It's too slushy!

I won't have slushy songs,
not on my watch.

HIS VOICE BREAKS

Bad for troop morale.

Hey, Brenda?
You haven't seen Orla, have you?

I thought she might have
followed us back.

You know where she will have
gone, don't you? Boudicca.

Oh, and she's gone into battle.

Come on!

PAULINUS: Boudicca has
destroyed St Albans.

The Celts outnumber us
ten to one.

Paulinus cannot win
on strength alone.

Nero wants us to use strategy.

Find a way to trap the Celts.

But Paulinus does not know how.

Atti knows.

Atti knows how.

Who's Atti? He's me.

Why do you speak of yourself
in the third person?

Only big-heads do that.

Sorry, sir. 100 lashes.

Wait!

What have you got to say?

He's a deserter, sir.
Not you, him. Hold on...

A deserter? No, wait.

I have an idea, just...

I can help you, I know stuff.

Just, please, give me a chance.

Paulinus will not...

WHIP SNAPS

ATTI GRUNTS

No, wait, hold on.

Paulinus will not punish you
until he hears your idea.

Sorry, I thought you meant...
You have one chance.

Do not fail.

Hello.

My name is Attilius Minus

and I was brutally captured
by the Celts.

We don't wanna hear
your sob story, boy.

Nobody likes a cry baby.

So what's your strategy?
Um, well, what you need

is a landscape
that works as a bottleneck

so loads of people can get in

but only a few can get
to the front at one time.

The rest will be trapped.

But where are we gonna find
somewhere like that?

Idiot.

I've seen the perfect spot.
It's just by Watling Street.

Paulinus does not like this plan.

HE LAUGHS

Yes!

He loves it.

Genius.

The boy's a credit to Rome.

SOLDIERS CHEER

Here we are at Watling Street,
and look...

..it's a bottleneck.

It's perfect.

Paulinus will sit here

and draw the Celts into his trap.

Uh, your trap. Our trap.

Go. Make sure Boudicca knows
exactly where we are.

Paulinus is gonna
slaughter them all.

Slaughter them? Yeah.
What do you mean?

Slaughter, verb. Transitive.

Meaning to kill or butcher
in a brutal or violent manner.

There, um... There must be
a misunderstanding.

I thought you were just gonna
trap them. Take them prisoner.

Oh, no. To oppose Rome is to die.
And thanks to you, Attilius,

the only Celts left
will be dead Celts.

What have I done?

Has anyone heard from Paulinus?

Has he thought of a strategy?

Maybe I should just give Britain up
as a bad job, you know?

Let them keep their miserable
little country. Oh, my darling.

Would you like Mummy
to take over?

No, leave me alone.

Er, message for you.

A message, my Emperor.

From Paulinus?

Boudicca.

I can't play the lyre?

Well, she has a point.
You never do your practice.

And I sing like a girl?

Well, that's what it says.

SHE SIGHS

Let me give you some advice.
Right, that's it.

Will someone just do me a favour
and kill her?

Ow!

SHE GASPS

I meant Boudicca.

Hm? Argh!

Sorry. Don't be. It's a good job.
Unsubtle, but effective.

I was probably over-thinking it.
I should thank you.

HE CHUCKLES

Thank you, my Emperor.

But you did just kill my mother

so I will have to execute you
instead.

Guards.

After all that I've done
for you?

Oh, I never liked you anyway.

Now that she's gone,
that just leaves Boudicca.

Watch out, woad face,
Rome is comin' atcha!

ARMIES CLAMOUR

Aye, well, there's loads of us now.

Well, excitement here
is reaching fever pitch.

The headline act
is due on any minute,

and what a turn-out.

Cartloads of fans
have come to see the show.

And they haven't been put off
by the mud

or the terrible toilets.

Oh, no, I dropped my sword
down there! Oh...

CROWD CLAMOURS

And here she is now,
the woman of the moment.

Queen B! Queen B!

Hello, Watling Street.
It's great to be here.

Let's see if we can go
and speak to her.

Boudicca. Colchester, London,
St Albans.

You destroyed them all,

I mean, what a tour! Yeah, thanks.
I love you!

And the followers here certainly
seem fired up for a big finale.

Yeah, well, you know. I wanted to
give the fans what they're after.

Get them right up close
to the action, looking at me.

Now, I've got to ask,

if you do need to retreat,
won't these carts be in the way?

Retreat?

SHE LAUGHS

Uh, I don't know the meaning
of the word.

You know, there are only
10,000 of them.

There's 100,000 of us.

We're gonna knock 'em dead!

Well, confident fighting talk
there.

Now over to the battlefield.

ARGHUS: How are we
gonna find her here?

BRENDA: There are so many people!

Orla!

Orla!Dad?

I'm a warrior!
Look at me! Whoo!

Wait, I'm not ready!

Orla!

Wait, stop, wait! Dad!

Dad, help me!

I've changed my mind!

ORLA SHOUTS: Dad!

ARGHUS: Orla, where are you?

MUSIC STARTS

# Ten times more of us
We're mob-handed

# You're gonna lose
if you don't mind me being candid

# Celts can't win
cos you're run by a lady

# Our numbers may be Slim
but we'll put you in the Shady

# Go berserk, that works
Get ready to kill 'em!

# Killing's too easy
Let's start with a bill 'em

# Ha-ha, missed
You only got my shieldy

# Hang on, though
Don't half make it unwieldy

# Not impressed, Roman pests
We'll show you who's best

# We're a disciplined team
You're a reckless mess

# Think we're scared
of your happy-scrappy foolery?

# You may have the weapons
but we've got the jewellery

# The Battle of Watling Street

# Yeah, yeah

# Who's headed for defeat?
Yeah, yeah

# This is the Battle
of Watling Street

# Are you Celts ready to get beat?

# Pathetic little weeds
You'll be over-run

# I got 99 problems
but the Brits ain't one

# Let's go, men! The battle begins!

# Naked chest is the best
Who bares wins!

# Ready to rumble
We're ready to slay... #

Er, we just gotta get
our praying out of the way.

Oh, yeah, us too, yeah.

# God of war and glory, Mars
We pray

# Give us the strength
to work, rest and play

# Praise Camulus Cocidius
AgronaThere's more?

# AndrasteBrigantia
ALL: OK, let's war

# The Battle of Watling Street

# Yeah, yeah

# Who's headed for defeat?

# Yeah, yeah

# Let the Battle of Watling Street
commence!

# Pleased to meet you
Step forward, gents

# So feared, that's a fact
Who's next? Do carry on

# These trees at the back
are like an extra battalion

# Let's go, men
Win these mighty clashes

# With our wee silk clothes
and our silly moustaches

# We're the Celtic Crew
Straight outta Watling

# We're beasties, boys
We're never stopping!

# Is that right?
I think you'd better check

# Welcome to our bottleneck

# Lots of fun watching you
head for the funnel

# There ain't no light
at the end of your tunnel

# The Celts can only come at us
one way

# Time to meet your gods, guys
Have a nice day

# Blocking the exits
and despite our bravery

# They've wrecked the fight
Now that's just unsavoury

# There's more of us
than there are of you

# Don't push, now!
We're all in this queue

# Your numbers aren't come
because you're waiting in line

# Now we only need to face you
a few at a time

ARMY ROARS

# The Battle of Watling Street

# Yeah, yeah

# We're heading for defeat
Yeah, yeah

# Mark it as a win
to the goddess Victoria

# You'll get the glory
and we'll get gorier

# Nowhere to go
Trampled on like a doormat

# You can run, but you can't hide
Can't even do that!

# We kicked off
with the odds at ten to one

# They'll say, "How did they do it?
The Rome team won!"

# Never had to fight so hard before

# I won battles
Who's gonna win the war? #

MUSIC STOPS
ARMIES SHOUT AND GRUNT

"Come on holiday," you said.

"Britain's nice
this time of year," you said.

I want a divorce.

Fair enough.

Anyone missing a head?

No!

Atti! Orla!

Thanks. Duck!

Pretend you're fighting me.

Do you still wanna be a warrior?

I just wanna get out of here.

Team? Team.

CELT MAN: Run away!

CROWD SHOUTS

CELT MAN 2: It's blocked!

Argh! Sorry.

ARGHUS GROANS

Boudicca. Let me kill her.

BOUDICCA GRUNTS

ATTI: Hey, Celsius.

How does it feel
to be bested by a girl?

I will never, ever
be bested by a girl.

Bested.

HE GRUNTS

Oh, thanks, kid.

You're the best.

Oh, keep it. It's yours.

Really? Oh, I'm such a fan.

Being a famous warrior's not all
it's cracked up to be, you know.

There's a lot of haters
out there.

But you've got real talent, kid.

Do you think?

Sure. You remind me of me
at your age.

SHE SIGHS

Right, I've gotta roll.

BOUDICCA YELLS
A BATTLE CRY

Where's she gone?

MAN: Orla!

Orla, come quick!
It's your dad!

Dad? I know what to do.

I can help.
Back off, Roman.

Dougal's getting some proper
Celtic medicine.

Stand back, please.

Give him a lick.
Give him a lick.

Go on. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy?

Don't do that, it's unhygienic.

You need to clean the wound.

Bees. Go get me some honey
from that nest.

Seriously?
Honey is antiseptic.

Listen to him.
He knows his stuff.

DOUGAL GRUMBLES

What's that? Vinegar.

Stops infections.

DOUGAL GRUNTS
BEES BUZZ ANGRILY

Oh, you little bees.

Is he gonna be OK?

Here's the honey. Thanks.

I think he'll be all right.

It's all my fault.

It's not your fault.

It's mine.

It was me who told Paulinus
about the bottleneck.

What?
I'm such an idiot.

No, you're not.

You're clever.

That's why I like you.

Thanks, Orla.

But don't get me wrong.

You still messed up, big time.

ARGHUS GROANS

Dad! Hello.

Huh, oh...

That feels better already,
you know.

Got anything for bee stings?

I am so proud of you.

You are a fine Celtic warrior.

And that sword...

..is yours to keep.

Thanks, Dad.

But I don't wanna be a warrior
any more.

Fighting is stupid.

People get hurt.

SWORD SWOOSHES
MAN YELLS

Sorry, Dougal!

Did we win?

PAULINUS: Paulinus is victorious!

Throw down your weapons, Celts!
It's over!

Agree to live under Nero's law

and Paulinus will show mercy.

But we, we don't wanna be Roman.

To oppose Rome is to die.

Fair enough. Yay, Rome.

Rome brings civilisation.
I like being uncivilised!

SHE BURPS AND LAUGHS

Oh, for Jupiter's sake!

CELT FARTS

Who was that?

I'm Fartacus.

THEY LAUGH

No, no. I'm Fartacus.

No. I'm Fartacus.

I'm Fartacus!

CELTS LAUGH

I'm Fartacus!

I'm Fartacus, and so is my wife.

CELTS LAUGH

Send news to Nero that Paulinus
has vanquished the Celts.

Although...frankly,
I don't know why we bothered.

Centurion.

You've served Rome well.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Sweet Rome.

I don't mind telling you,
I've missed the place a bit.

By way of reward

Nero gives you ten acres of land
for your retirement.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Where is it? Tuscany? Capri?

Essex.

ITALIAN MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

HE SOBS

SOLDIERS MURMUR

Attilius Minus.

Rome thanks you.

Without you...

..we should not have
come to victory in this battle.

Yeah. Let's not make
a big deal of it.

Nero will want to reward you
himself.

Come.

But wait, now?

Back in Rome you will be
celebrated as a hero.

You'll have all the scrolls
you've ever dreamed of.

You'll be well famous.

Can I have your signature?
I wanna go home!

Wait. Why doesn't Decimus go
in my place?

Why? It doesn't matter. Who cares?
It's a brilliant idea.

Here, he can even have my land.

ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYS

Rome, sweet Rome. Wahoo!

The thing is, I...
I kind of like it here.

I like the people.

But they're stupid.
They're not stupid.

They're just different.

I've learned stuff from them
and we've shared some fun.

Anyway, I see this
as Paulinus's victory.

You should have all the glory.

Yeah, you're right.

Paulinus does deserve
to take the credit.

Bring the prisoner.

What prisoner? Boudicca.

Uh...

About that, she, uh...

Don't tell me you let her
get away?Er...

What happened to her?
What will Paulinus tell Nero?

You have failed.

You will receive your just reward
when we return to Rome.

TIMIDIUS: Ooooooh!

THEY GIGGLE

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

Emperor.

Paulinus brings news
of a great victory.

Yes, I heard. I won.

Write that down, historian.
"Nero won a great victory."

So tell me, how exactly
did I kill Boudicca?

Ah, er, yeah.

Paulinus knows not the exact nature
of Boudicca's fate.

But she is dead, right?

Because if she isn't,
I know someone who is.

No, no, no, no, no, no.
She's dead.

She's definitely dead.

It's just the "how"
is up to you. What do you mean?

Well, history is written
by the victor.

Yeah, that's right.

So, write this down, historian.

Boudicca was so frightened

by the magnificent, heroic Nero...

..that she poisoned herself.

And that's it. That's true.

I'm thinking of wearing these
to my victory parade.

What do you think? Bit much?

Paulinus would have to say...

..uh, no.

Seem very dark, though.
Of course they are.

They're sunglasses.
I've just invented them.

Right, is everything secure?

Yes. My men have checked
everywhere for assassins, sir.

All clear.

HE GAGS

Well then, let's do this.

Sorry.

CROWD CHANTS:
Nero! Nero! Nero!

CROWD GASPS
NERO GRUNTS

Historian, don't you dare
write that down.

Hail Mercury,
messenger of the gods.

Pray send word
that Atti is safe.

Here's a letter from Atti.
Oh, that was quick!

What does he say?

Oh, "Britain good.

"Celts helping me build a house
to live in.

"The savages are lovely."

I think that says "sausages".
Oh, yeah.

Hey, Atti.

Fancy joining us for dinner?

Yes, please. What is it?

Baked parsnip. Lovely.

Need some rotten fish gut sauce
with that?

Dad?

Mum, Dad, you came!

Oh!

He talked so much about Britain
in his letters

we wanted to see it
for ourselves.

Well, what do you think?

Atti has taught us
how to make concrete.

Like it.

Nice one, son.

Oh!

Ah...

Here, have a swig of this.

What is it?
We call it wine.

It's basically rotten grape juice
which gives you a massive headache

and makes you embarrass your kids.
Oh, sounds right up my street.

Mm. I've got a brooch
just like that.

Really?

Salute.

MUSIC PLAYS

# Things aren't always
what they seem

# Celts aren't all wild
Romans aren't all mean

# If you opened your mind
we could break down doors

# That's exactly what
you did do, of course

# Loads of stuff
that we'll let you keep

# But I'm taking that pig
And I'm having that sheep

# Take 10%, that's common practice

# I call that theft!
We call it taxes!

# Brought you loads! Towns and roads

# Shared our plumbing and baths

# Britain upgraded
Cos you invaded

# Yeah, but let's not
talk about that

# Sharing's good
Sharing's all right

# Best it doesn't start with a fight

# Merge our cultures, mix our past

# Maybe next time, wait to be asked

# Sharing's good
Sharing is fun

# Shame you had to kill everyone

# Try our fashion
Buy our bling

# I wouldn't be seen dead
wearing that thing

# We'll teach you to read and write

# Excuse me, have I spelt this
right?

# Help you all to be more brainy

# If you could make it
a bit less rainy

# Celery, cabbages

# Sundials, calendars, cats

# We're more effective
as a collective

# You can take these nettles back!
Ow!

# Sharing's good
Sharing is kind

# Invading's rude, though
I think you'll find

# What if we say, "Sorry, Brits?"

# Build us an aqueduct
We'll call it quits

# Sharing's good
Sharing is great

# Won't speak your language, though
OK, mate?

# Keep our customs, ways of old

# As long as you do what you're told

# Have to admit my view is reframed

# Turns out that place
is not just a stain

# Lead has its uses
and Britain produces

# Tin I can trade for a massive gain

# I'll rue those Celts
till the day I die

# Which'll be ages
I'm a healthy guy

# It's not like the army
will ever rebel

# Forcing this emperor
to say farewell... #

MUSIC STOPS

They won't, will they?

No, not for about seven years
or so.

MUSIC RESTARTS

# Sharing's good
Sharing's easy

# No-ones likes your canned cheesy

# Side by side, the future's bright

# Come on, Rome and Celts unite!

# Share ideas, sharing our land

# Now we all work hand in hand

# A horrible history, over and done

# Romans and Celts
Come on, everyone!

# Sharing's good
Sharing's friendly

# Looks like a happy ending

# Pain that started with combat

# Let's not talk about
Let's forget about

# Let's just gloss over thaaat! #

THEY LAUGH

THEY CHATTER

OK? Ah...

Did I miss anything?

HE CHUCKLES

What have you done
with your hair?

Looks different.
Like Boudicca.

Yeah, well... I'm gonna be
queen of the tribe one day.

Someone's gotta kick
all the Romans out.

You are joking, right?

Might be.

Come on.

# Time flies
Our story's done

# But history keeps rolling on

# Big winners, epic fails

# Two sides to every tale

# Time flies
It's been a blast

# But history is built to last

# One empire gets the sack

# Another one strikes back... #

Boo!

Ha-ha-ha! Fooled you!

Hey, wait! Don't go yet!

You'll miss the best bit!

No, no, not all the names.

There's so many names.

Oh, why are there so many names?

YAWNS

The best bit is where I tell you
what was true

and 100% accu-rat!

I bet you're wondering what really
happened to Boudicca, aren't you?

Yeah, well, so is everyone.

One Roman historian did write

that she poisoned herself
after the battle

to avoid being captured.

But another one said
she died from illness

and had this great big
elaborate funeral.

So, basically, you can make up
your own mind.

One thing's for sure - the Romans
didn't capture Boudicca,

or they'd have taken her back
to Rome

and bragged about it big time.

You know what those Romans
are like.

Hm, hang on!

Look at all that
popcorn and sweets

you've dropped on the floor!

Oh! That's not nearly enough!

I'm coming down there
to stuff my little furry face.

Back in a tick.

# The sun is always shining here
This city we call home... #

WOMAN SCREAMS

A rat! It's a rat!

# Our hand extends to other lands
An empire ruled by Rome... #

WOMAN SCREAMS

MAN: What was that?

# Togas, rubber, baths and roads

# Creations that we spread

# Conquered people welcomed us

# Cos if they didn't
They'd be dead... #

KID: Look, Mummy, there's a rat!

# Rome, we colonise ya!

# Rome, we civilise ya! #
MAN: Ah! It's a rat!

# Rome, and we brutalise ya!

# There's no place like Rome... #

HE CHUCKLES

A particularly big thank you

to whoever was sitting
in row 12.

Yes, you. You are
my favourite litter bugs.

Om, nom, nom, nom.

So, anyway, the film is cram-packed
with juicy facts.

Like, Agrippina really did
bump off husband Claudius

with a poison feather
so her son could be Emperor.

And she put her own face
on the coins

and generally annoyed Nero so much
that he had her killed.

Yeah...after trying
the booby-trapped boat

and a collapsible
bedroom ceiling.

HE SLURPS NOISILY

Fizzy, mmm...

Then it was Nero's turn
to meet a sticky end.

He ended up being betrayed
by his own men.

Oh, and speaking of sticky...

Look at this. It's bubble-gum!

HE GOBBLES

It's a bit hairy, but...

..do you know what?
That's just how I like it.

HE GIGGLES AND GULPS

AIR GURGLES
HE GASPS

Oh, note to self.

Never drink fizzy drinks
and swallow bubble-gum!

POP

Argh!

Now I'm Fartacus.

Think I need a shower.

In horse wee, of course.

Whilst I do that,

do you want to hear the rest
of Atti and Orla's soppy song?

You know, the one that got
so rudely interrupted?

You know you do.

Well, here it is!

ATTI: # I'm in a bind

# That's what I find

# Cos I went with my heart
not my head

# Couldn't let them hurt her

# Now I'm a deserter

# Should I have betrayed her
instead?

ORLA: # Thought I was strong
Maybe I'm wrong

# Made a friend from my enemy Rome

# Lacked the killer punch
when it came to the crunch

# Now, I'm Orla All Alone

BOTH: # Wish I could turn
the sundial back

# To before I felt this pain

# Having a BFF
Made my life a mess

# Will I ever see her again?
Will I ever see him again?

# Oh, I... I miss you

# Sorry I dissed you

# First time that I met you

# You drove me round the bend

# Now

# You're a friend

# I put her first
Seems that's the worst

# Crime a soldier can commit

# But I don't care
The adventures we shared

# I loved every second of it

# I'll take my sword
Join Boudicca's horde

# Lead the fight
to our enemy Rome

# But my head is reeling
I'm left with the feeling

# I'm Orla All Alone

BOTH: # Wish I could turn
the sundial back

# To before I felt this pain

# Having a BFF
made my life a mess

# Will I ever see her again?
Will I ever see him again?

# Oh, I... I miss you... #

Right, that's it, film done.

Until the inevitable sequel.

Hey, I'm part of the Hollywood
in-crowd now.

I'm going round to Scarlett
Johansson's place. Yeah.

I haven't been invited.

I'm just gonna sneak in
through the u-bend.

Oh, and see you at the Oscars!
Yeah.

I'm gonna sneak in there and all!

HE LAUGHS

Bye!

# ..you're a friend

# You're a friend

BOTH: # Your friend. #