Original subtitles

(DOG BARKS)

(ENGINE REVS, SHOUTING)

(GENTLE SNORING)

(CHEERING AND SHOUTING)

- I'm telling you, it's over-responsive. - It goes faster than this.

It doesn't.

Where are they?

- Down there. - No, we can't.

Let's go and get 'em.

They're not going to know where we're going.

(WHOOPING)

We've gotta take a right here.

Jesus Christ Almighty!

(SHOUTING)

It's in around this area here.

Start to slow down so I can see what we're dealing with over here.

Oh, Gadget!

- I've got fucking whiplash! - I told you it was over-responsive!

Ssh-ssh-ssh! I think this is it, love, yeah.

Torches on!

- Ssh-ssh! - (WHISPERS) Sorry!

Meg?

MEGGY: ♫ We're your friends

ALL: ♫ We're your friends

♫ We're your friends to the bitter end

♫ The bitter end

♫ When you're alone

ALL: ♫ When you're alone

♫ Who comes around?

ALL: ♫ Who comes around?

MEGGY: ♫ To pluck you up

ALL: ♫ To pluck you up

♫ When you are down … ♫

It's four o'clock in the fucking morning!

Who gives a shit?!

♫ … Outside looking in

♫ Who's there to open up the door …? ♫

I've called police, they'll brain the fuckin' lot of you.

♫ … That's what friends are for … ♫

Woody, is that you?

All right, Cynth, you little sexpot! How are you getting on?

Ssh!

- ♫ … And when you're lost … ♫ - (BANJO PLAYS BANJO)

- ♫ … In dire need Who's at your side … ♫

- Shut the fuck … - ♫ … At lightning speed?

♫ We're friends with every creature comin' down the pike

♫ In fact we never met an animal we didn't like

♫ Didn't like. ♫

Shauny! Smell's seen you at the hospital. She wants another snog.

So you and them friggin' budgie-smugglers come and spend some time,

- or I'll start pissing t'bed again. - You got no choice now.

Come on, son. Jump on the love boat.

Come on, past is in the past. What do you say?

I say that you lot are fucking nuts!

(THEY CHEER)

(♫ JIMMY CLIFF: Wonderful World, Beautiful People)

(DISTANT SIREN WAILS)

♫ Wonderful world, beautiful people

♫ You and your girl Things could be pretty

♫ But underneath this

♫ There is a secret

♫ That nobody can repeat

♫ Take a look at the world … ♫

BOBBY ROBSON ON TV: It won't be an easy game, I don't think, for us.

Not here, not in these temperatures.

We need a good performance, and anything which was suspect, we have to improve.

PRESENTER: And Lynn's here with some Mexican food for you.

Are you still watching that bloody television?

It's educational.

Oh, is that right?

Yeah. They're cooking tortilladoras.

When you back at the Job Centre?

I've sorted all that out. I went down and got my first cheque on Friday.

- Is that right, yeah? - Yeah.

What are you doing? You're stood in the way of the telly.

Listen to me. No son of mine is wasting around that dole queue. Do you hear me?

- I'm missing the cooking. - Now get up, get dressed and go.

- Go where? - To the Job Centre, Shaun.

I've been there and I've done it. I've just said that.

Well, follow up on some local ads in the newspaper, then, son.

- Do something, please. - There's no point, there's no jobs!

And the sooner you get that in your head, the better it'll be for us both.

Get out of the way of the telly, old woman. I'm trying to watch it.

- What are you doing now? - (TV OFF)

Don't be cheeky, Shaun.

It doesn't suit you, son.

You only get one life and you're pissing yours up the wall.

Yeah, well, you live your life and I'll live mine.

I am living my life, and it's fine.

Keep telling yourself that.

Can you turn the telly back on?

- No. - Make me a cuppa tea?

CYNTHIA: Sod off.

SHAUN: Go away! (LAUGHS) No!

- (MOANS AND GROANS) - MAN: I'm coming.

MAN: I'm coming.

(SHE PANTS AND MOANS)

That was friggin' gorgeous, Mick.

I fucking hate these things, Chris.

I'm on it.

I'll be fully fitted by Friday.

(HE PANTS)

Oh …

(HE SIGHS)

When are you going to tell her? She needs to know I'm back, love.

She's had a rough couple of weeks.

Let's just let her get settled in her new place.

Then we'll get her round, yeah?

Yeah.

WOODY: Look at this? Are you not excited?

LOL: Yeah, course I'm excited.

Have a go on that. Let me carry you over this drawbridge in there.

I don't know if you remember, we didn't actually get married.

Don't sulk with me. I still love you. It's better than running, innit?

- Oh, God. Your breath stinks. - What of?

- It's just … I don't know, a bit stale. - Is it?

Woody! Woody!

Oh, my goodness me. Give me that arm.

No! Woody! Put me down, I'll kill you!

Come on, I'm not going to drop you.

Piff-paff-poof!

Welcome to Peter Sutcliffe's Villas.

Shall we?

Lobby. This is the front room.

This is a blank canvas, is what this is.

That's how you've got to look at it, and clean it all down.

It smells like someone died in here, Woody.

Why do you think I got it so quick? It were a bloody good deal, wasn't it?

- There was a reason. - Someone died in here?

Yeah, but not like a bloody grandma or something like that. It were a druggie.

He had no mates, so he's just been sat here a while, that's all.

Someone died in here and then rotted away? I'd rather live with my mum.

Don't be disappointed. It's going to be like Buckingham Palace.

It's going to be really regal when I've finished. Look at all this space.

Just for frolicking, activities. You can have all sorts of activities.

Woody, stop fucking around. This is horrible.

- I know it's horrible now. - I can't live here.

You've got to look past all this.

You having it?

Wait till you see upstairs. Wait till you see up here.

- What's all this? - We'll clean it. We'll clean that.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hi. - Hiya, darling.

(SPOON STIRRING)

Hi, Mum.

You sleep all right, love?

I'd sleep better if you two weren't bonking every five minutes.

Sorry, Kel. Here.

Yeah, I'm sorry, darling.

If …

If you're not happy with me being here, Kel, you say the word, love, and I'm gone.

Don't talk soft.

No, I'm being serious.

I'm not expecting open arms or anything,

but the last thing I want to do is to hurt anyone.

This is your house, Kelly, it's not mine.

Don't worry about this one. She's over the bloody moon,

- even if she don't show it. - Mum!

- Well, it's true. - You don't have to keep saying it.

That means the world to me, Kel. Come here.

It means the world, love.

You two! You'll get me started now.

Silly, daft cow. Eh?

(SHE CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

(SNORES)

Fuck off, Mum!

Fuck off!

Mr Sandhu?

You know you shouldn't talk to your mother like that.

What are you doing in my house?

I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse.

What? Who … what … who was you just trying to be?

Put your clothes on. Follow me.

These are the future.

- What, video tapes? - Home movies.

You been making pornos on the sly have you, Sandhu?

Ha ha, no! These are home cinema. Cinema films for home use.

We'll rent them out. 50 pence a time.

Look, I promised your mother I'd give you a chance, OK?

Box the tapes, assemble the shelves,

and arrange them in alphabetical order.

- What are my rates? - £1.10 an hour, plus ten pence

for every rental you make. Now, that's a fair deal.

Plus, you get to take home as many films as you like

- and watch them rent free. - What about £1.50 an hour

- and 20p rental? - £1.10 and 10p.

- £1.40 and 15? - £1.10 and 10p.

- Well, then, you've got a deal. - Good.

- There you go. - What? I can't start now.

- Why? - Because I've promised my mates

that I'd help them move into a flat round the corner.

Surely they can spare you for a few hours in the interest of commerce?

All right.

Do you reckon we're actually stood where a dead man died?

Stain there, Gadget, leakage.

Human body leakage. And not the leakage that Kelly inspires in you.

Listen, mate. Do you have to keep going on about Kelly?

Just take it easy. Just coming up to some steps.

Shit, sorry.

Whoa! Dear me, backwards, backwards, dear me.

How do we get out, man?

That fucker there, that's the circle of life, Gadget.

Oh! There's a rat. I think it just came out.

I swear to God there's a rat in the cupboard.

- You are joking. - No, honestly.

Eww! They're on me! They're in me hair!

What he was doing, he was storing

his human waste inside pieces of paper and then hiding them

in little stacks all over the place. He was a complete Cornetto.

I can't stay here. I just can't.

- There's a rat in the kitchen. - Eh?

Lola? Bloody hell … Lola?

SMELL: Is it something I said?

Lola, love, sweetheart.

Don't run off. Oi, Lola! Lola!

Please … Oh, for fuck's sake!

I can't do right for doing wrong. Shall I go after her or what?

No, Woodford, I don't think you should.

And I'll give you the why.

I just had to come down these stairs.

I've got to go down all of them. I had a heart attack not long ago,

and I think I'm going to have another one if I don't carry on.

- Boo! - Argh! Shaun!

What is this? Dickie ticker bloody Olympics?

I ain't got friends round me, I got assassins!

Shit, sorry, Meggs. What's up with Loz? She just walked

- past me with a face like thunder. - Don't even ask, mate.

She's had happier days.

Come on, old man, give me that couch.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Thought I'd find you here. - Did you?

Yeah.

It's where you came when didn't get picked for the netball team.

Your flat's a bit shit.

- Yeah, I know. - It's a bit weird, really, isn't it?

Woody thinking it's good enough for you?

- Yeah. - Because a princess needs her castle.

Not just some craphole a bloke died in.

Are you calling me a princess, Smell?

Well, a hard one, yeah.

You are a princess, I really, really mean that

from the bottom of my heart, and you mean the world to me.

Same to you.

Shall we just go have fun somewhere?

- Yeah, let's go and … - Hold my hand.

- No. - OK. Let's go and get hammered.

Yeah.

(BANGS ON DOOR)

Hi, Jeremy.

No. Whatever it is you're selling, I'm not buying.

Oh, come on, Carrot-bum.

Yeah, cos calling me that'll really score prizes.

What, he doesn't like being called Carrot-bum?

They shoved a carrot up his arse.

Of course he doesn't like being called Carrot-bum.

- Is that why he's called Carrot-bum? - Yes, Smell.

Come on, Jeremy. Four girls, one night, one man.

No vegetables.

Made in heaven, we are!

No. I know what'll happen.

I'll open the door, let you four in, and then the cavalry arrive.

Come on. We just wanna see the Jacuzzi, Carrot-bum. Sorry. Jeremy.

- How d'you hear about that? - Her dad did the plumbing.

Just let us in, will you? We've all got our bloody bikinis on here.

- Bikinis? No. You haven't. - Show him, girls. He'd like that.

Wooooo!

Oh, yeah. So you have.

Best come in or you'll catch your death.

So come through to the palace, to the lair, to the boudoir,

to the good ship Cuzzi.

- Quite a sight, isn't it? - Wow, look at this!

Now, push the button just at the top there …

Ooh!

And, hey presto, we have action! Now, we can have two settings,

you can have relaxing or reinvigorate.

Reinvigorate.

Well, I think we've hit the right frequency.

Oh, get your carrot out!

Which did we decide on again, girls?

- Soft or hard? - Definitely hard, then move on

- to the soft, hey, Carrot-bum? - You?

- Us. How you doing, you all right? - Right, that's it, I want all of you out,

right now, else I'm calling the police.

Oh, don't be all mardy, mate. It's your birthday, we've come to

- have a bit of a celebration. - But it ain't my birthday.

It fucking is now.

(CHEERING)

(♫ BUZZCOCKS: Fast Cars)

Please don't feel bullied.

Whoa!

This is what's known as a reverse …

- Go on, fuckin' have it. - What, do I just …?

Yeah. Up yer nose, mate, right up.

Go on, go on, go on. What do you reckon?

- Oh! - Look at that. You've got powder all …

- What the fuck? - Wow, man.

- Yeah? - I can feel it, like …

It's like, with weed, it's, it takes you … that …

Yeah?

It's instantaneous.

It's fucking sherbet, Gadge, you daft twat.

- Uh? - You stupid?

It's fucking sherbet. Look. I'm eating sherbet.

It's that, it's the same thing.

You're a dickhead. Move on.

Hey! You wanna see what they've fucking done to Carrot-bum's face.

He looks like a thumb.

- You having a good time, then? - I'm having a lovely time.

What you doing up here? Are you sulking?

- I'm ready to get off. - Why?

I want to talk to you, Woody, about the flat. It's bothering me.

- No. - There's things we need to talk about.

Don't keep worrying about …

You've not even fucking spoke to me all night. I want to go home.

I am speaking to you now, aren't I?

Does this outfit do anything for you?

I can't take you seriously when you're dressed like an idiot.

Gadget. How you doing, mate?

Gadge, will you just give us a minute, please?

Yeah, it's a right bad time. Go that way. Go that way for me.

Here he is. Oh, what a lovely kiss.

Get gone.

- Woody? - What? Careful on t'stairs!

It's just, sort of, with the mo', like …

Gadge, are you looking for Kelly, still?

So what if I am, man? So what?

Why don't you just ask her out?

Yeah. Well, maybe I will.

- I'm sick of all these innuendos. - Gadget!

Let me just take me glasses off, so I can see you prop …

Oh, I can't see at all.

- Lola? - Don't be a dickhead, Woody.

Lollipop!

Lola!

I really wouldn't, Woody. I'm not in the mood.

- Where's she gone? - Fucking … don't be a dickhead!

All right, fucking hell.

Do you know that everything in life isn't a joke?

I'm only trying to make you laugh. Have you seen how well I can lunge in these?

D'you know what, Woody?

Fuck you.

- Lola! - (DOOR SLAMS)

Lola, I'm only having a gig … I'm having a giggle.

(♫ NENA: 99 Red Balloons)

- Ah, Sundance. - Butch!

How butch are ya, baby?

Some party, eh, Gadget?

(KICKING)

Fuck off, Gadget. Fuck off.

Put your trousers back on. It's really disturbing.

(SOBS)

Psst! Oi!

Tell Knuckles and the gang to keep the noise down.

- I've got a kid sleeping back here. - Yeah. I will do.

Right after I've finished committing suicide.

Gadget? Is that you?

No, I don't have a name any more, I'm just darkness.

It may be inky black out here, but I can hear the toad in your throat.

What's the matter, love?

Nothing. I'm just the same old big fat twat Gary I always was.

Don't worry, love. Come to Auntie Trudy's and tell me all about it.

How's them pigs' trotters, Gary?

Er, nice, thank you.

Do you know, when my Colin walked out on me last year,

I practically lived on pigs' trotters.

See the thing is, Trude, with Kelly,

is we're meant to be together, but we're in different leagues,

and the point about leagues is you're supposed to move up 'em.

But I need to find a way to get myself out of this "podgy pal" one.

Gary, Gary.

Shut your eyes.

What? Why?

Just do it.

Open your eyes.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hello.

(CLEARS THROAT)

"Mrs Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?"

"Yes, Gary, I am, because do you know what you need, son?

"A good, hard, honest …"

Yes, Gary, yes, yes, yes!

No, no, no! Yes!

No, no, no! Stop! Stop! Stop!

Call me Krystle. Oh, Gary, call me Krystle, I'll call you Blake.

Who are they?

Oh, Gadge! They're from Dynasty! Just do it.

Do it and I'll stick my finger up yer arse

and give you the best vinegar stroke you have ever had.

(AMERICAN ACCENT) All right, Krystle, darlin'…

That's it, Blake!

- It's Blake here … - Yes!

- I'm gonna show you a good time, Krystle! - Yes!

You like it, don't you?

Oh!

(HIGH-PITCHED SQUEAL) Krystle!

Oh! Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! Oh, fucking hell! - Shit!

Winston! Duckie, what you doing out of bed?

- I was hungry. - Mummy'll be through …

Fucking hell.

Gary, will you stop swearing in front of my son, please?

He's the double of Meggy, him, isn't he?

Meggy? No, Gary, I don't know any Meggy.

- You know Meggy. Ronald Megford. - No, Gary.

No Meggy, no Meggy.

WINSTON: Who's Meggy?

No, no, Smeggy, Smeggy.

He's my mate and you look like him, but he's black, and he's dead.

My dad's name was Ronald, and he's not dead and he lives in London.

All right, chicken, why don't you just pootle off back to bed, eh?

Mummy'll be with you in one minute, bring you some milk and biscuits?

All right, chicken, with you in a minute, then.

You bloody idiot! What did you say that for?

Because he does! He looks like him, that's all!

I know, but you needn't have said that!

Now I'm going to have to go and see to him.

You'll have to finish yourself off now.

Don't be like … Please!

Krystle!

(NEWS ON RADIO)

You're up early, love.

Work. I made you some eggs, they're in the pan.

I tried to leave you washing up, though.

You were out late last night, have you not got a hangover?

No, I've decided not to believe in that. See you later.

- See you later. - Love you.

Pushing it a bit, aren't we, Len? Eh?

Mr Woodford, there's still three missing?

- Yeah … - Richard, Richard.

- Sorry. - Thank you.

Quayle's gone …

I don't need the names, lad. It's the same three every bloody day.

I can feel some written warnings coming on, I tell you.

Well they've brought it on themselves, haven't they, Mr Squires?

Indeed, Richard, they have. Tough love, that's what's required, tough love.

I was going to get you to speak to the lads today

about the wall of pornography anyroad,

so you can deal out the written warnings then.

Do I have to do … I thought you did all …

I don't really want to go and do …

There's no need to thank me, Richard, lad, you're management now, eh?

Besides, you used to be one of them, remember?

I did, aye.

I think it'll be better if it comes from you, eh?

- Brilliant. - Good lad.

Remember, all this will be yours one day.

- Fucking great, you twat. - Come on, lads,

- let's make some money for Maggie. - Bastard.

(LAUGHS) Come on, Sanders!

- We've got work to do, lazybones! - Cheeky sod!

Come on, then.

Look, mate, I'm not, like, your new dad or anything, you know that?

Yeah, I know that.

Besides, I told you, my dad's in London.

Yeah, yeah. And he's black.

- No, he's not black … - Toast and Marmite, just like you wanted.

You have washed your hands, haven't you?

Now listen, love.

He's everything I've got, all right? You tell him anything,

and I will rip your fucking balls off, you do know that, don't you?

Yeah.

- But Meggy … - No, no, no. Meggy doesn't need to know.

But he had a heart attack last week …

All right. Ssh!

Eat your toast, there's a good Blakey.

You loved that dress, do you remember?

- (DOOR OPENS) - Oh, fuck.

LOL: Hi.

Hiya, Lola.

You look great, love.

You can't be serious.

Oh, Lola, I was going to tell you, but with the wedding and everything …

- Are you really this stupid, Mum? - Your dad's changed, love.

He's changed?

- Yeah, I have. - He's changed.

Changed how? Changed his haircut? Changed his socks? Changed …?

Lola, please.

I'm back for good, I promise.

I missed your mum, I missed my two girls so badly, sweetheart.

All I'm asking you for, Lola, is a second chance.

Come on, Lola. Let's have a cup of tea, eh?

Lola, he has changed, I promise.

He's not the man you think he is, Kel.

- Whoa, what the fuck does that mean? - I see you.

I know you. I know what you're about.

Yeah? And what's that, then?

Well, it's not normal, is it,

coming into little girls' rooms in the middle of the night?

We are not starting on this again. I'd kicked him out of bed,

he'd gone looking for somewhere to have a kip, you got dramatic.

Go upstairs, please, Kel, love.

- Go upstairs please, love. - Stay there.

You've gone low, you have, you've gone very low.

Do you want me to go into a bit more detail?

- Shut up right now. - Go upstairs, darling.

Kelly does not need to hear this, all right?

- Does she not? - You are fucking poison.

You always have been. That's why I weren't at your wedding.

- Cos of you and that head of yours … - Right.

Go on, fuck off out of my house.

Don't worry. I'm gone.

(DOOR SLAMS)

- Sorry, Mick. - It's all right. It's all right.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.

Are you all right, love?

MICK: I'm going to get some fresh air.

- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm all right.

All right, thank you very much - enjoy the film.

- That's three rentals this morning. - It'll be a good investment.

- I think you'll be a good investment too. - Do you think so?

One day I'll tell you about my first job, cleaning offal from the mincer.

Then you'll realise how lucky you are I gave you this.

Yeah, I know I'm lucky.

Look, later, will you close up the shop for me?

I've got to pop to the hairdresser's, some stuff to do then errands after that.

You mean you'd trust me locking up the shop and stuff?

Of course I do. You're my workforce.

I need to trust you. So will you lock up?

Well, I might … for an extra quid or summat.

You'll go far, Shaun.

So I'll take that as a yes, then?

(HE LAUGHS)

- Lola. What you doing here? - I need to talk to you.

I know, but you know I don't like you coming into work.

- No, I know … - I've got a right big day …

- Here he is. How are you doing? - I've got to talk to you.

I know, but that's why I don't like you coming, love,

because he's really sulky now.

I know, but I've come for a reason. I need to talk to you.

I know, but I've got a fucking right banger …

Lola, my head's ragging. I've got to write out a load of written warnings

and the bastard said I've got to bring down a wall of fucking porn

and everything. Them lads are going to go mental at me today.

My dad's back.

- That's a bit of a shitter. - Yeah, majorly.

Right, just give me a half hour.

- What do you mean? - I've got a break in half an hour

and I'll come and have a little chat to you, I can see you're worried.

- I need you right now, Woody. Please. - No, Lola.

Please, love, it's an important job to me, isn't it?

The wall of porn is a fucking important job?

- You're a joke, Woody. - It's not the wall of porn, it's …

- My dad's back, do you get that? - Please don't make a scene, Lola,

please don't get cross with me, love. I've got a break in half an hour …

So you can't come now?

I can grab five minutes with you in half an hour …

- Do you know what? - Don't do that!

What the fuck is that?! Lollipop!

They were in fucking order!

- Everything all right, Richard? - Sorry, just having a funny do.

- Workplace, Richard. - I know.

Mum, I've rented 11 films.

I've rented 11 .

I earned a tenner, and I think I'm going to spend it pretty unwisely!

Mum!

- Mum, I just earned … - Oh!

Shaun! Son!

Hi, son.

You had to fuck him for my job?

No, son! I haven't fucked him for your job. I like him, son.

What, you like it, you like it with him?

Yeah, Shaun, I do.

"Close the shop, Shaun." "Do your business, Shaun."

- "I want to fuck your mum, Shaun." - It's not like that.

You're a fucking liar.

Look, Shaun, I'm a good man, yeah?

I-I care about your mother, I have great respect …

He doesn't even speak properly, Mum!

Shaun, stop it, please.

I'm sorry, son, I know it's a shock.

I've got feelings too, you know.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but he's moving in, Shaun.

No, he's not, because if he moves in then I'm off.

I'm not even bothered, I'll go and live on the docks.

- I'm not staying here with him. - Shaun don't be silly, please.

I'm not being silly! I swear …

I'm not staying here with him. You're a fucking greasy wanker, Sandhu!

And you, Mum, you should be ashamed of yourself.

You should be. Dad would be ashamed of you,

I'm ashamed of you, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Your dad wasn't a racist, Shaun.

I don't mean because he's coloured!

I mean because you're doing it behind my back,

like some worthless little slag off the estate.

Listen, Cynthia, don't ever speak to me again.

Both of you rot in hell!

(SOBS)

Shaun …

I'm sorry.

Lola?

Lola, what's up?

Hey, hey, hey! Lola!

- (SOBS) - Oh, Lola.

Lola.

If anyone's done anything to you, you know I'll kill them?

Lola?

Where you going?

I never told Woody about my dad, you know.

No?

No, not the stuff I told you.

Only you and Combo know.

Combo knows?

He went round there to kick his head in.

He didn't get very far, mind.

17-year-old boy against a guy like Mick.

Found him in the street.

Blood coming out of his nose, all down his leg.

He was mashed up.

Talking about how he'd let me down.

He didn't, though.

Well, I didn't know what you wanted me to do.

I just wanted you to listen.

And you did.

Just like the prince you always were.

The worst thing is, he's my dad.

I didn't want Combo to go …

I didn't want anyone to hurt him.

I don't think he'll hurt Kelly.

It was just me.

I think I'm going to change the subject.

Maybe we should talk about our current infidelity for a bit of light relief.

What we going to do, Lola?

TANNOY: Number 26 to the desk, please.

- What's that, Gadge? - What?

Oh, it's a lovebite, mate.

Gadget and Trudy, Trudy and Gadget -

that is beautiful, that is.

Yeah, she's … she's …

Has anyone ever heard of "fire and ice"?

You what?

She basically … she wanted to put …

chilli powder and then ice cubes up my bum hole.

She wanted to shove chilli powder and ice cubes up your arsehole,

and you let her do that?

Well, I had to be polite, I was at her house.

(LAUGHTER)

- TANNOY: Number 27 to the desk, please. - About fucking time.

You're cool with it,

- you don't mind, do ya, mate? - Mind? Why would I mind?

I just …

I just heard that you and her were an item once.

No, no, no, we weren't a fucking item.

She's too much woman for me, Gadge.

If you can tame her, you dip your bread, mate!

'Ey-up son, you here to get your wages?

Yeah.

Listen, Harves, I was wondering,

is that room still going spare at yours?

It's a bit complicated around mine at the moment, mate.

Your dad again?

Mmm. You don't know how lucky you are to have a mum like yours, mate.

No, I'm really not.

What do you need a room for anyway?

A mate of mine was looking. It's no worries, mate.

Don't worry about it.

You sound like you could do with getting out of there yourself, mate.

I wouldn't leave my mum and sister there with that dickhead, mate.

Could be worse, you could be this fat bastard

with chilli powder stuck up your arsehole.

It's like an arsehole Bloody Mary.

(ALL LAUGH)

- Oh, will you help me, please? - No.

You're not going to help me.

Another one of those heroin addicts, am I right?

- I'm not wrong. - Fuck off.

Breaking my lift, I said breaking my lift!

That you, Lola? Come through here.

Yeah, I'm just putting my coat up.

I've booked an exorcist.

- What? - Yeah, Doreen Shadbolt, she's called.

She's coming down Thursday. She works in the tax office rest of the week.

It's the only day she can come. I just didn't want you getting nervous

about any ghosties and ghoulies, with what's gone on in here.

Are you painting the place to look nice for her?

It's tortoiseshell blue. Do you like it?

Doreen Shadbolt?

I'll change it if you don't like it. I'll just paint it something else.

It's fine, it's my favourite colour.

Tortoiseshell blue? Your favourite colour?

Did I know that?

- Don't be a knobhead. - Sorry. I'm glad you're home.

Do you want to have a chat about your dad?

No, I'm all right. I'm all talked out, to be honest.

Did you speak to Smell?

Yeah.

Is that where you were last night?

Yeah.

You do know, don't you? You know I love you?

Yeah, I know.

You've got paint all over your face.

Yeah.

(TV PLAYS IN BACKGROUND)

Hello, darlin'.

- Off to bed, Ches. - But I'm not tired.

Get to bed, mate.

All right, Davey-boy?

Look at you, you're a mess.