All language subtitles for The.Love.Guru.2008.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1

When I was a child in India,

growing up in the tiny village
of Harenmahkeester,

I found a voice-over machine,

which I still use
to this day.

Oh, hi.

I decided to use
the Morgan Freeman setting.

I am His Holiness
the Guru Pitka.

In my book, If You're Happy
and You Know it, Think Again,

I speak of intimacy,
or "into-me-I-see."

Intimacy is like putting your wiener
on the table and having someone say,

"That looks like a penis,
only smaller."

Only smaller.

Though I was raised here in India,
I was born in America,

which is where
our journey begins.

It's the story of a hockey
player named Darren Roanoke,

my most resistant student,

who became
my greatest teacher.

Or some such bullshit.
I don't know. Gotta go!

Hi, I'm
Trent Lueders!

And I'm Jay Kell.

Tonight is all
about champions.

But before we get going, I'd like to start
by thanking my own personal champions.

The fans who supported me
with their cards and letters

during my recent addiction to
peyote buttons and Frangelico.

I've already apologized to my
friends, my family, and my god.

And now, I'd like to apologize
to Dame Judi Dench

for my vicious
and brutal attack.

I'm sorry, Judi,
you did not deserve that,

and I hope the staples
come out soon.

Over to you, Trent.

Thanks, Jay!

Tonight, the Toronto Maple
Leafs' Darren Roanoke

is the subject of
our player profile.

Hockey has its legends.

Now, the new one,
Darren Roanoke.

Known as the
Tiger Woods of hockey,

Roanoke brought the sport
to a whole new audience.

- Hey, yo, check this, son!
- Check this!

A role model
turned bad boy.

He was in a perfect marriage.

But before the playoffs,

he stunned the world by separating
from his wife, Prudence.

From role model
to dating models.

Roanoke found out
his wife, Prudence,

was dating the
L.A. Kings' legendary

French-Canadian goalie,
Jacques "Le Coq" Grande.

He earned his
nickname, "Le Coq,"

for reasons that cannot
be stated on this program.

This interview is over.

Holy...

That's when
Roanoke fell apart.

Roanoke is hit hard.
Open net! He misses!

Damn, damn, damn!

But the question
on everyone's mind is,

can the Leafs win
without Roanoke?

Well, can we win the Cup
without Roanoke?

Not a chance, boss.

As long as Jacques "Le Coq"
Grande is banging Darren's wife,

Darren's toast.

My father once told me the Yankees hired
a guru to turn their team around.

I have our guru.

If he can fix Darren,
we win the Cup.

They call him
the Love Guru.

Here we go, here we go.

Mariska Hargitay,
Speedy. Yeah.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

Mariska Hargitay,
Your Holiness.

Rajneesh!
Mariska Hargitay.

Your manager
Richard Pants is here.

Dick Pants.
Send him in.

Mariska Hargitay,
Your Holiness.

Have you seen
today's paper?

Oh, don't tell me,

it's another article about
Deepak Chopra being number one

and me being
number two?

Not in as many words.

Quaking pudding!
I can't take this!

Not again!
What? Why, why?

Babu, to be the world's second
most popular

Neo-Eastern-Self- Help-Spiritualist
is no small thing.

Thank you, Rajneesh.

You are my compass.

Give me a pound.

Lock it down.

Break the pickle.

Tickle, tickle.

You!
You!

Well, no, you!
You!

No, no, no! You!

Okay. You!

No! You!

Stop it!

Who's the gift
basket from, Dick?

Brad and Angelina.

It says, "Thank you for
the gift of true intimacy,

"but we've decided to work
with Deepak instead."

What does Deepak Chopra
have that I don't have?

He's been on Oprah.

Oprah!

And Oprah loves
a great story.

Now, take a look at this.

The Toronto Maple Leafs
will pay you $2 million,

if you can get Darren
Roanoke back with his wife

in time to win
the Stanley Cup.

Two million dollars!

That's a lot of cheese.

But wait,
it gets better!

I spoke to
Oprah's producers,

and if you can restore
Darren Roanoke's marriage,

they guarantee that
you will be on her show!

Let me get
this straight.

If I fix their marriage,
I get on Oprah,

and if I get on Oprah,

I'm the next
Deepak Chopra!

Deepak Chopra.
Maurice Pitka.

Please enter the ashram
of the Guru Tugginmypudha.

Guru Tugginmypudha,
you are so good with nunchucks,

yet you are blind.

I am not blind.

I am just
severely cross-eyed.

I know, it is weird.

Be seated.

Deepak, here you go.

Maurice, you're
not of Indian blood.

Speak of your parents.

They are both dead.
They were missionaries.

And what did they
do before then?

They were dog stylists.

So, let me get
this straight.

They were into doggy style
before the missionary position?

That's hilarious. My parents are dead.
Thanks.

Deepak,

why do you want to join
the Tugginmypudha Ashram?

To seek my true self.

All right, kiss ass.

Maurice, why do you
want to join?

I want to become a guru
so girls will like me.

Then I will like myself.

Deepak, you will enjoy
love in all forms.

Maurice, you must wear
this chastity belt.

Chastity belt?
That sucks!

Once you have learned

that self-love is more important
than being loved by others,

you may remove the belt.

Master, if I am not allowed
to be with a woman,

may I still...

You will go cross-eyed!

Guaranteed.

Mariska Hargitay. Yeah.

Mariska Hargitay.

I am His Holiness,
the Guru Pitka.

Welcome to my ashram,

the Ecumenical Intuitive Enlightenment
Initiative Organization,

or EIEIO.

Guru Pitka had a farm.

EIEIO.

And on that farm,
he did no harm.

EIEIO.

Okay.

If I sit like this any longer,
I'm gonna pop my dink bag.

Shh.

Listen up.
I am a guru.

Let's look at the word "guru,"
okay?

My goal is to get you to say,
"Gee, you are you."

TM.

And the you of "guru"
is intimacy.

Or "into-me-I-see."

I see.

Without intimacy,
you feel nowhere.

Tonight I want you
to go from nowhere

to "now here."

Yeah.

It's like in The Electric
Company, you know?

Now...

Here.

Nowhere.

My laws of intimacy are
kind of like my Bible.

And let's look at the word
"Bible," shall we?

The Bible is "basic instructions
before leaving earth."

TM.

Put that shit on a T-shirt.

Show the T-shirt.

Now, I myself have a guru,
Guru Tugginmypudha.

And my guru, Guru Tugginmypudha
had a guru, Guru Cheddafrumunda.

And Guru Cheddafrumunda had
a guru, Guru Hathasmalvena.

Guru Hathasmalvena had
two main periods of his Gita,

or words of wisdom.

The first period came
before he got syphilis.

Some pre-syphilitic
words of wisdom include,

"To know something is good.

"To do something is God."

Then, after he got syphilis,
he would say things like,

"Eatin' ain't cheatin'."

"Did it smell that bad
when you ate it?"

"Liquor up front,
poker in back."

But his point was this, "If you can't
love yourself, you can't love another."

And that's the end
of that one. Yeah.

Mariska Hargitay.

Some announcements.

On Friday,

please join us for our first annual
Gamblers Anonymous Monte Carlo Night.

Yeah. Just for funzies,
you know.

Bring your singles.
Yeah.

All right, good night,
everyone! Yeah!

Thank you so much!

Great show, Guru Pitka.

Hey, any bears
in the cave?

Any bears?
Oh, yeah.

Bear cub. Left cave.

Right here?
There. Right there.

Yeah. Right.

That little booger gave me a
nose-whistle during the whole show.

Now, I'm ready to receive.

Mariska Hargitay,
Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay,
Jessica Simpson.

Did you get into
the VIP room okay?

I love you.

Mariska Hargitay,
Your Holiness.

Mariska Hargitay,
Val Kilmer.

Why do you hurt me?

I know why.
I know why.

Mariska Hargitay,
Guru Pitka.

Mariska Hargitay...

Mariska Hargitay.

I so enjoyed your sutra, especially
the part about not being a victim.

Well, thank you.

Because you are such
a generous benefactor,

we are establishing the "Mariska
Hargitay Special Victims Unit."

The whole nine yards.

Thank you, Your Holiness.

You have gone
from nowhere to now here.

I'm beautiful
and I have a secret.

Bang.

Yes.

Guru Pitka, this is Jane Bullard,
owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Guru Pitka?

Hold on one second.

Guru Pitka?

No!

So, you are the owner of the ice
hockey team, the Toronto Maple Leaves?

Actually,
it's Leafs.

Who said that?

How did you get there?

This little guy scared
the crap out of me.

I think I'm gonna have
to do a panty check.

I might have some
monkey-mustard back there.

No, I am good.

Who is this prick?

Shh.

Well, how do you do?
Shrimp?

What'd you call me, Jagamo?

I'm sorry, I didn't catch
your gnome... Name!

You are a midget.

I find that term
condescending!

Condescending.
That's a big word for you.

The man's an ass!

Your Holiness,
you're an expert on love.

Yes, I am.

Why do you think Darren Roanoke
threw away his marriage?

Well, in my book, I Know You Are,
But What Am I?

I explain that when
love goes wrong...

Nothing goes right.
...nothing goes right.

Yes!

I've read it.
It's impressive.

Yeah, it's nothing short
of a masterpiece.

So, do you think you can come back
with us to Toronto in the team jet?

It's a date.

Is it, now?

Well, this kitten's
got a whip. Meow!

This is great,
Your Holiness!

I can see you now, spreading
your message of self-love

on Oprah.
Oprah!

He's finally here for the
first time on the Oprah show.

Welcome Guru Pitka.

Oprah! Come on, Oprah.

Hello.

Thank you very much.

Mariska Hargitay.
Thank you for the gift of water.

All right, I'm just gonna
come out and say it.

I find your work
really inspiring.

I actually went to one of your
sutras after my father passed away.

I'm sorry to hear
about your father.

Have you read my book
on the grieving process?

It's called, What's This?
A Dead One of These.

Yes.
Oh, you have?

I especially like the chapter,
"It Might Just Be Sleeping."

My favorite.

I've read all your books.

Oh. Well.

To tell you the truth, I kind
of have a schoolgirl crush.

Oh, really?

What does your husband
think about this crush?

I'm not married.

Boyfriend?

Nope.

Girlfriend?

Well, I mean, there was
one time in college.

Really?

What was that?

I didn't hear anything.

Well, it's hard to believe a
girl like you can't find a man.

What does that mean,
"a girl like me"?

Well, come on,
I don't have words for it.

You know, nice girl,
intelligent,

bedroom eyes,
pouty lips,

great rack,
tight bell-shaped ass,

thicker than a Snicker...

Say.

My problem with men
is the Bullard Curse.

What's a Bullard Curse?

My father, Hank Bullard,
bought the Leafs in 1967.

And we haven't won
a Stanley Cup since.

So, all the men in the city
blame me and my family.

Well, as I write in my book
Stop Hitting Yourself.

Stop Hitting Yourself.

Why Are You Still
Hitting Yourself?

I explain that, people may
say bad things about you,

but you must never say bad
things about yourself.

I see someone who's
ready for change.

It would just be
easier to change,

if I didn't have to deal
with the city that hates me.

Jane, the City of Toronto
doesn't hate you.

Oh, yeah, they do.
Oh, no, they don't.

Oh, yeah, they do.
Oh, no, they don't.

Trust me.

At the arena, I had
Maintenance paint lines

to show me where
the crowd can't see me.

You know,
so they don't boo me

and throw stuff at my head.

I mean, I didn't even
ask for this job!

I guess it's just my fate!

Fate is a joke.

And as I once read on a wall, in a
truck stop bathroom in Barstow,

"The joke is
in your hands."

Oh, my God,
I just got that!

Well, to be more accurate, the
joke was in Rajneesh's hands.

What?

Nice shooting!

I am His Holiness,
the Guru Pitka.

Look, man, just get back
on your pillow, all right?

There ain't no connection between
my love life and my hockey.

I'm not here
to work with you.

I just came by to say
hello and goodbye.

Goodbye?
Yeah.

I spoke with your wife,
Prudence.

She broke it off
with Grande,

and now she wants you back!

Seriously?

Sure. You don't need me.

Go back to what
you were doing.

Yes!

There is one other thing.

I lied.

Prudence is still
with Jacques Grande,

and he still has the
biggest wiener in hockey.

Ooh. Ow.

Is it true?

Yes, he has
a ginormous hog.

Do you still think
there is no connection

between Prudence and how
crappy you are playing?

Tell me this.

Do you want Prudence back?
Of course I do.

Then I need you to write
Prudence an apology letter,

and I will go
deliver it to her.

All bids for connection count.

What if it doesn't work?

I can always
refund your misery.

I was ominous just then.

Grande's not going to like
you talking to Prudence.

I know, but I must deliver
this apology letter to her.

Do you think
Grande saw us?

Of course not, Rajneesh.

We are completely
hidden by this bush.

This may go badly.

Keep the elephant running.

Prudence?

My little cabbage?

While I do your calves,
I'd like to sing a song

by the greatest singer
ever from Quebec,

Miss Celine Dion.

Huh?

No!

Do not peck my fucking eyes!
Don't peck my eyes!

That was beautiful.

And now, I'd like to show my love
by making for you a Quebec pizza.

What's that?

Pop-Tart with the ketchup.

She's good.

Guru Pitka?
What happened to you?

Nothing. Why do you ask?

We've not much time.
I have an apology letter from Darren.

Well, you know, I got attacked
by a rooster. So, you know.

Yeah.

So he writes one stupid note and
you expect me to take him back?

Perhaps I can change him.

Ding-dong.

Did someone order the
special Quebec pizza, eh?

You know,
like in the porno.

Who is this
in my house?

Whoa!

Looks like he's
smuggling a schnauzer.

Yeah.

Let me show you out.

Down, boy.

Read the letter.

Nice place, eh?
Yeah.

And I got her cheap.

So, it's an honor to have
you here in my house, Guru Pitka.

I think you are an
amazing guru, and...

Hey! Mister!

What did you do
to my rooster?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Stay away from
my girlfriend!

The Wolverine.

Don't look at me with
that tone of voice,

or I punch you
in the shirt!

Okay, gotta go.

Beat it.
I gotta take a dump.

Bodhisattva!

Hello, superstar.

Welcome to my new
Toronto ashram.

Uncle Jack. Can I get a hand
getting off this elephant?

Darren, if your Uncle Jack
helped you off an elephant,

would you help your Uncle
Jack off an elephant?

That's funny to you?

I don't know
where I get it.

So did you give Prudence
my apology letter or what?

Yes, of course!

Did it work?

Let me answer it this way.

You're an idiot.

Yes, I am!

Now, your entourage
must stay behind.

No, no, no, no, no.
They protect me.

Well, they didn't protect you
from that outfit, now, did they?

What?

What's wrong
with shark skin?

More like gay-skin,
how about. What? Yeah.

Snaps.

Right, let's talk about
Jacques Grande!

No! Leave that
man out of this.

You feel inadequate,

because he has plenty of clarity,
organization, charm, and knowledge.

TM.

Yeah, he's got a lot
of that, all right.

Therefore, he's able
to say to Prudence,

"Be loving and open-hearted
with my emotions."

TM.

You better stop right there.

Blowme is a good way to remember that.
Blowme, yeah.

Blowme, yeah. Blowme.

Blowme.

You should stop.

Well, I'm sure
you're sick of this.

I know Prudence has had it
up to here with Grande.

All right,
you know what?

I can't move my body!

It is an Indian martial art
known as "how to hurt a guy."

I am poking
your third eye.

And if I twist my thumb,
I can make you crap yourself!

So, what do you
want me to do?

What I need is to get you
to follow my method, Drama.

We must distract you
from your emotional pain,

regress you back
to your childhood.

We must adjust your
negativity, mature you,

and put it all into action.

If you follow my method,
not only will you win Stanley's Cup,

but you'll also
get Prudence back.

You think this'll work?

Depends.
Depends on what?

No, you might want to
pick up some Depends.

I may have twisted
my thumb. Yeah.

Check for coins.

Think fast.

Drama!

Drama.

Students, now I am going
to teach you the "D" of drama.

Distraction.

Maurice, if Plato,
Shakespeare and Einstein

were talking about
the meaning of life,

and two elephants
started humping outside,

even they would
rush to the window.

It is the ultimate
distraction.

We shall now compete
in a game of tag.

It is called Stink Mop.

Enter, Sanjay!

Enter, Maurice.

Commence Stink Mop.

Stink Mop! Stink Mop!

Stink Mop.
Go.

Stink Mop.

Stink Mop!

Maurice.

What are you not
thinking about?

I am not thinking
about my chastity belt.

That is distraction.

Yes!

I get it!
I am distracted!

Good distraction frees us
from emotional pain.

Bad distraction gives you
a mouth full of whizz.

Once again,
I'm Trent Lueders.

And I'm Jay Kell.

Go, Leafs, go!
Go, Leafs, go!

Tonight, game one
of the Stanley Cup Finals.

L.A. Kings, Toronto Maple Leafs.
It's gonna get ugly.

Ugly. You want
to hear ugly?

At Promises, I shivved a guy
with a sharpened toothbrush

because he bogarted
the rehab toilet hooch

that I'd made from
apples and pantyhose.

That was ugly.

Over to you, Trent.

Thanks, Jay.

All right, guys.
Bring it in.

Let's rip off their heads
and shit down their necks!

Yeah!

- Go! Go!
- Here we go!

Now, the first lesson
is distraction.

In order to
learn distraction,

you're not allowed to fight
anyone in today's hockey match.

I'm a hockey player! That's what
hockey players do. We fight!

It's a problem.

Even Jay-Z had 99 of them,

and the bitch was
not one of them.

Now, do you want
to win Stanley's Cup?

Yes, I wanna win
the Stanley Cup!

Then you are not allowed to
fight anyone for any reason!

Don't fight!

Now, get out there,
and don't kill them.

What is that?
Corn dog.

What is it?

Is it made from dog?

What a freaking idiot.

Is this a dog's thingy?
Am I being punk'd?

Ladies and gentlemen,
the Leafs take the ice.

Hello, Los Angeles Kings.

I am His Holiness,
the Guru Pitka.

And I have a message
from Darren Roanoke.

He told me to tell you
that you're all his bitches,

and that you can
suck his big greasy...

Mariska Hargitay.

I'm gonna kill you,
Roanoke!

You're dead,
Roanoke!

Damn, Roanoke!

And we're getting ready to drop
the puck for game one of the Finals.

I know I'm excited, Jay.
How are you?

I am rigid.

It's a yard sale!

What?

Not to fight.

You are not to fight anyone.

Oh!

I would not wanna
be his nutsack.

They're coming
after Roanoke!

Get up!

What the hell
are you doing?

Superstar,
look at your hands.

They're not shaking!

Yes.

Roanoke with the puck.
What a pass!

Goal! Roanoke may be
fighting for his life,

but he's playing great!

Rob Blake is lucky
the refs didn't see that.

But the refs will see that on
our post-game highlight reel.

That is the Altoids "Curiously Strong
Elbow to the Face" of the game.

Oh, God.
Am I still dreaming?

No. Why do you ask?

Why'd you tell me
not to fight?

Because you are now distracted,
therefore playing better.

It's the only way.

Yeah, well, I can't keep
getting my ass kicked!

Fine! Fight anyone
for any reason.

You just said don't fight...
What, it's just arbitrary with you?

Of course not!

But we will let
the dice decide.

Yes, it is arbitrary!
Fight anyone for any reason!

Fight anyone.

It's a bench-clearing
brawl!

Remember, kids, this is
not how you play hockey.

It's just ugly.

I like it.

That was a good one.

One game suspension,
Roanoke!

Way to go, Roanoke!
You jag-off!

Him, too?

Anyone for any reason.

I love my job!

Two games!

Now, it's a two-game
suspension.

That would mean Roanoke would
be out for game two and three!

He could play in game four.

Of course, we don't know
if we're going to game five!

Two and three, out,
can't play in the game.

He could watch the game
at home, but he can't play!

He can pretend to play
while he's at home,

but he cannot play on the ice in
the game that we're watching,

which is after this game,
'cause we're in game one.

You have a firm
grasp of the obvious.

How could he do that?

Are you all right?

I'd like to thank
the Academy.

Wow, these things
are heavy. Yeah.

Put me down, A-hole!
Okay.

And the Kings take the first
game of the Stanley Cup Finals.

Damn it!

Cherkov, relax!

Now, everyone,
let's just take a seat.

Okay.

First of all, let's agree next time
we decide to have a group meeting,

we take it in my office.

Now, Guru Pitka here
obviously has a plan.

So, Guru, enlighten us.
What is your plan?

Frankly, this is completely
unexpected, and I'm scared shitless.

- No, no!
- Let me at him!

Take it easy, Frodo.

No! Get back! No!

No! No!

Hippie queer!

Throw a hex on you.

Okay, okay.

Isn't there any way that you
could skip a step or two?

No way! With Drama,
there is no shortcuts.

We must now take him
back to his childhood.

His childhood?
Yes.

His mother only
lives an hour away,

but he won't allow her
to go to the games.

Interesting.

He won't allow his mother
to come to any of his games!

Come, Rajneesh,
a breakthrough!

Little help, please!

Okay. All right.

You're leaving?
Yes.

Where are you going?

To see Darren.

Jane, I promise you,
everything will be fine.

Come by my ashram,
then I will explain.

Coach Cherkov,
I would invite you,

but I know you have your meeting
with the Lollipop Guild.

Why won't you let your mother
come to any of your hockey games?

'Cause, man, I don't play
well around her, man.

She freaks me out.

Then tomorrow
we will go to her!

Oh, hell no!
Oh, hell no!

Oh, hells yes!

Yeah.
This ain't Driving Miss Daisy, man.

I'll break your fingers.

Okay. Yo, this
my street right here.

Tonawanda Street.

Tonawanda Street?
I know this street.

You do?
Yes.

At what number
did you live?

Fifty-three.

Do you know a
Dickie Withers at 85?

No.
Well, it does.

A dickie does wither at 85.
I own you! Yeah!

Yeah!
You are laughing!

You see,
you're filled with joy of a child!

You are now ready
to meet your ma.

I'm warning you, GP,
my mom's tough.

Oh, please.
How bad can she be?

Remember, Darren,
you must stand up to her.

Got it.

Baby boy.

Oh, Mom.

Now, why won't you let
your ma come see you play?

It's just that you're not
always the most supportive, Ma.

Supportive?

Pressure makes diamonds.

Pressure also
makes rubble.

And after a good whipping,
cream rises to the top.

So does scum!

You're the Guru Pitka.

Yes, I am.

You're like the poor
man's Deepak Chopra.

Game over.

Oh, Mom, don't, don't.

Do you have something
to say to me?

Yes, you do.
Yes, go ahead.

Yes.

You change your hair color?
'Cause it looks nice.

We'll talk in the car.

Well, this was fun.

And by fun, of course
I mean emotionally scarring.

I know you are not trying to
tell me how to raise my child.

Gotta go.

Superstar! Superstar, wait!
Whoa!

Look at you.
You're jumpy.

You're like prison
bitch jumpy.

I told you that we
shouldn't have come here.

No, no, no, no, no.

We have to go back in there
and confront your mother.

There has to be
another way.

Well, I hear you rappin',
Sister McCrappin'.

Okay, there are two
ways to regress you.

One involves your mother,
your shame core,

and a grueling process
of intense self-examination.

What's the other way?
Well...

What does this
sound like?

I am making diarrhea
sounds with my cup.

I'm regressing you.

Someone's in here.
Someone's in here!

Yes. You are laughing!

Why am I laughing, man?

Look what you did
to my jacket.

Ball-gazer!

Go ahead!

You bastard. You totally
caught me in a ball-gaze.

Congratulations,
you have been regressed.

I own you!

Yes, you own me.

That was easy.

But with ownership
comes responsibility.

It was at this
point that I realized

that my student was finally
shedding his defenses.

What are you doing?

He said while eating
a chicken wing.

I am talking into my
voice-over machine.

So, the Leafs lose game two
by a whopping six-to-one score.

The Leafs look rattled
without Roanoke.

It's Darren Roanoke.

You mean
Roan-choke more like.

That's great.
Nice hat.

I had a hat like that once.
Yeah?

Then my mom got a job.

Looks like I'm gonna have to shove
these love beads someplace special.

You got a problem?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Let me handle this.

There are two things about violence
they teach you when becoming a guru.

The first thing is, an eye for
an eye leaves everyone blind.

The second thing is,

never ever watch
the bottle.

You son of a bitch!

It's a bar fight!

Down, down!

Watch out!

Well done!
Nice job!

Hold on, hold on.

Oh!

Niagara Falls
is amazing.

Darren.

Just because your mother only
loved you when you achieved

doesn't mean that Prudence will
only love you when you achieve.

I was afraid that Prudence would leave
me if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,

so I left Prudence first.

That's it!

However, we must
confront your mother.

Prudence always wanted me
to stand up to my ma.

I know.

I miss Prudence.

I miss the connection.

Connection.
Yeah.

Making love.
Falling asleep in each other's arms.

Sometimes we would wake up
a couple hours later,

and it'd be like we were the
only two people in the world.

Prudence would stare into
my eyes, and she'd say...

- Damn.
- Damn.

It sort of became our song.

You are a very lucky man.

I would like to have a "damn"
moment like that someday.

How can you be
the Love Guru

if you've never been
in a relationship?

Well, there is
someone I like.

But until I learn
to love myself,

I can only go out
with three girls named Ann.

Three girls named Ann?
Yeah.

Ann Visible, Ann
Flatable, and Ann Job.

Ann Job!

Well, you know, I deflect
because of the pain.

I gotta get
my girl back, GP.

Otherwise, what am
I gonna do with this?

I have two tattoos.

One tattoo is
the Drama tattoo,

which signifies the
self-determinist philosophy

of the Tugginmypudha Ashram.

And what's
the other tattoo?

Daffy Duck pushing a lawn
mower through my pubes.

Look, he's dancing.
Yeah. Right.

Ball-gazer! Oh, my God!
There you go!

The ball-gazing student has
become the ball-gazing master.

That was great!

Thank you, Speedy.
That's great.

Mariska Hargitay.
That's great.

That was lovely.
But we need to talk about Darren.

This is a disaster.
He's my only...

Jane! Do you trust me?

I do trust you.

I'm not really sure why.

It's the beard.
It makes me look like Santa.

And by the way,
you look breathtaking.

Thank you.

As do I.

Come. My staff has
prepared a lovely meal.

Wow.
Right?

I am so hungry I could
eat a skunk's bottom.

Which is a lot
like calamari.

But that's not what
we're having tonight.

Rajneesh will now
prepare a dish

made of two lychees
wrapped in a doughy pouch.

It's called
Kartapal Birigalapatt.

What's that mean?

Nuts in a sling.

Oh, thanks,
but I'll pass.

Very well, I'll have
your nuts in a sling.

Cough.

Reject this man.
Not fit for military service.

Would you like your
nuts to be crushed?

Doesn't everyone?
Who is this guy?

Geronimo!

That is our safe word.

Now, we get the nuts nice and hot,
so they tighten up and get firm.

Oh.

That's good.

Feels good. I mean, tastes good.
I mean, what?

You want curlies
on your nuts?

Do I look like a child? Of course
I want curlies on my nuts.

Don't forget your pickle.

Would you like
some soup instead?

Yes.

Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator
soup, and make it snappy.

Because alligators
are snappy,

and at the same time,
I want it prompt.

Here it is. There's your soup.
Watch out! It's dangerous!

You're as cute as pie.

I haven't laughed like this
in such a long time.

Why not?

It's hard to laugh when men
only see you as some curse.

Jane, there is no curse.

You're just afraid of
intimacy, or into-me-I-see.

Remember, being vulnerable
is being woundable.

I say take the risk.

Well, that's easy to say
and hard to do.

Is it?

Uh-huh.

What's the downside of
throwing away your fear?

The only way out is in.

I think I'm about
to risk something.

What's wrong?
We can't do this.

What? You tell me to be vulnerable, and
then you turn around and wound me?

I can explain.
Okay, go ahead.

I can't explain.

I should go.
No, Jane, wait! I...

Jane! Jane!

Game three here in Los Angeles.
The L.A. Kings have beaten the Leafs.

They are one game away
from a Stanley Cup victory.

They can't be happy in the
Leafs' locker room right now.

I'm sorry, I blacked out for a second.
Have they dropped the puck?

Damn it!
We're down three games

because you decided you
couldn't win without Roanoke.

And you! You're just
a stupid rich girl!

You were born on third,
and you think you hit a triple!

You don't know hockey!

Are you finished?
No!

Now I'm finished!
And, Pitka!

Yes?

What's the capital
of Thailand?

Bangkok.

Exactly.

Omar Sharif, my balls!

My balls, you prick!

Stay down, bitch!

Okay.

Jane! Jane, wait!

He's right! I'm just a stupid rich
girl about to be a huge failure.

Failure?
There's no such thing as failure.

Only early attempts
at success.

You know what? I hired you
to fix Darren Roanoke.

Do your job!

Your Holiness, I spoke
with the producers at Oprah,

and if they don't see Darren and
Prudence together by the next game,

your spot will
go to Deepak.

But Darren is not ready!
He must truly deal with his mother.

And I will not
take a shortcut.

Take a shortcut!

Do you want to be the next
Deepak Chopra or not?

Babu, you cannot
take a shortcut.

But I need to become
the next Deepak Chopra!

But how will you get Grande
away from Prudence?

I have one idea that
just might work. Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the incredible Miss Celine Dion!

Celine! It is
my day of lucky!

What'll you have?

A martini.

All right, then.

Jacques Grande.
Is he "Mr. Right" or "Mr. Right Now?"

Jacques and I get
along just fine.

You have, what we call
in the guru business,

"love without knowledge."

But what you had with Darren
is love with knowledge.

A real connection.

Come by my ashram
tomorrow at noon.

I will show you a Darren
who is completely changed.

Do you think
he's really changed?

I mean, he can't even play
in front of his own mother.

She's like
kryptonite to him.

Can't play in front
of his mother?

Hey! I said stay
away from the girl!

Rajneesh, let's make like
a baby and head out.

So you went to see your mother?

Yes.

But did you
stand up to her?

He doesn't have to stand
up to his mother.

Yes, he does!

Not now, Kato.

Now, aren't there a few more
steps in your Drama plan?

Yes. Maturity and Action.

Beat it, Rajneesh.

Yes. We did Maturity
and Action.

"M" and "A" spells "ma," and we
went to Buffalo and we saw his ma.

Right. See?

You see, I left 'cause I was scared
that if I didn't win the Stanley Cup,

you would leave me.

But I don't care
if you win the Stanley Cup.

Can you forgive me?

Of course
I can forgive you.

Stick a fork in them,
they're done.

Champers wishes!

It would be great if you could
stick around for a while.

You know, just to make
sure Darren's okay.

Yes, of course. Yeah, business.
Yes, of course.

Would His Holiness staying
on qualify as an extension?

Pants! Sheket Bevakasha!

Because if that were the case,
we would refuse payment.

Of course,
I'll stay, Jane.

Until we get the
call from Oprah.

Go to your naughty
mat, Dick!

Miss Bullard.

Mariska Hargitay.

Your Holiness? Mark my words,
this shortcut will haunt you.

- Congratulations.
- Well done.

Game four
here in Los Angeles.

The Kings are one win away
from a Stanley Cup victory.

Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!

Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!
Ro-an-choke! Ro-an-choke!

This is it, folks.
Game four.

If Roanoke doesn't pull through,
it's all over for the Leafs.

Roanoke with the puck.

He shoots! He scores!

Yeah!

Wasting no time after
his suspension, he is back!

The end of game four,
and the Leafs take it two to zero.

Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs
advance to game five.

Go Leafs.

Game five here
in Los Angeles.

Can the Leafs do it again?

Roanoke just
playing amazing!

Goal! And game five
goes to the Leafs!

An incredible
comeback!

Thanks to Roanoke, the Leafs
have got the Kings on the run.

And look at this crowd!
They are guru crazy!

Game six here in Toronto!

Beautiful pass!

Go! Go! Go!

Roanoke on a breakaway!
Five-hole trap!

Grande saves!
Roanoke denied!

Once again,
I'm Trent Lueders.

And I'm Jay Kell.

Roanoke fell for
the five-hole trap.

For those of you who don't know what
that is, allow me to "Kellistrate."

There are four holes.
One for each corner.

The five-hole is here,
between the legs.

You can try to beat him here.
Or here.

Or even way down here.

Thanks, Jay.

Let's get back
to the action.

Roanoke has done it!
We're all tied!

The Leafs have won
three straight games!

Game seven will be
in Toronto.

Hey!
It's down to one game.

Get me out of here, pricks!

...champion.

I just got the call.
You are 100% booked on Oprah.

Great.

I got on Oprah, right?

I'm the next
Deepak Chopra, right?

You are.

He's definitely in.

Doesn't feel good,
does it?

Get off my tits!

Congratulations.

Darren and Prudence are back together,
we got a shot at winning the Cup,

and you got on Oprah.

I suppose
all that's left is...

The check.

Oh.

Yeah. Here we go.

Oh, my pretty.
Miss Bullard, it has been terrific.

Now, if any of your other players
have any professional catastrophe,

personal pain,
or a drug addiction,

please do not
hesitate to call.

Your Holiness, the check
and I will be in the car.

Cheerio.
Bye.

I guess you got
everything you wanted.

Not everything, Jane.

Well, say there was
this guru, say.

And this guru was, you know,
handsome, you know,

had a nice gleam in his eye,
a nice tuck in his butt, say.

And say this guru, maybe not
me, maybe somebody else,

had a certain vow.

What kind of vow?

Forget about it.

Just Etch A Sketch
everything I was saying.

Mariska Hargitay.

Mariska Hargitay.

Well, here we go.
Game seven.

It all comes down to this,
ladies and gentlemen.

Who do you like tonight, Jay?

Jay?

I like the Christmas
babies, Trent!

And I like the way my skin feels
when I'm wearing my rainbow jacket!

By your command.

You're back on drugs,
aren't you?

Yes, I am,
asshole-face man!

By the power of Gahar,
I command thee to vanish!

- Let's see what's happening rinkside.
- No!

Well, here comes
Lucy the elephant.

I cannot be
killed but with fire!

The Deluca Brothers
Circus is coming to town.

Isn't that just adorable?

Well, whoever wins tonight walks
away Stanley Cup champions.

Listen up!
It's down to one game,

and we've got
the momentum!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Why you got
your heads down?

We can beat these clowns.

Besides, I still have
a few trick on my sleeve.

Flight 22 to Chicago
is now boarding at Gate Five.

Our plane leaves
in 20 minutes.

The people at Oprah
are very excited!

That's great.

Ladies and gentlemen, here to
sing The Star-Spangled Banner,

mother of Leafs' center,
Darren Roanoke, Lillian Roanoke.

That's Darren's mother!
Quaking pudding!

Hi, baby!

What do I do?

I don't know!

Hey!

Roanoke is
freaking out...

What do I do? What do I do?
What do I do?

No, no! Nothing to see here.

Our plane is about
to leave for Oprah,

and we have to go realize
every dream we've ever had.

I am not going
with you, Dick.

Oh, no! No!

If you don't get on that plane,
I will take 60% of the ashram!

Fine. I don't need
material things.

I was put on this earth to spread
a message of peace and love.

Give me that ticket!
Give me it!

No! Please, no!

You will never be
the next Deepak Chopra!

What?

Box him out!

Oh, damn.

At the end
of the first period,

the Kings lead the Leafs,
one to nothing.

And the question on everyone's
mind is, where's Roanoke?

Baby, are you all right?

I can't play in
front of you, Ma!

It's all my fault for not putting
more pressure on you to succeed.

Yes.
Hello?

Jane, I'm on my way.

I thought you said
he was cured!

I was wrong.

Tell Coach Cherkov
to buy some time!

Okay.

Sir, please, please make sure
it's locked, sir. Please, over there.

Thank you.
Thank you, sir.

Dell Computers,
this is Chip.

Rajneesh, I...
Wait a second, who is Chip?

I took another job.

Rajneesh, you have
to come meet me!

I must finish
my job with Darren.

You're back, Babu!

Yes!

Bodhisattva!

Boo! You suck, Bullard!

No, you suck!

You can say
bad things about me,

but I won't say
bad things about myself!

So, guess what?
You can all just kiss my Canadian ass!

Cherkov, Pitka's coming.
You...

Are you as turned on
as I am right now?

You're a bad, bad person.

I'll take that as a yes.

Pitka's coming.
Just stall.

Hey, ref! Time-out!

Leafs call
their last time-out.

- Darren?
- Come on, baby.

Jane!

You lied to me!

Yes. I only pulled away
from you because of this.

My name is
the Guru Pitka,

and I wear
a chastity belt.

So, you didn't reject me.

You're just devoted
to a higher purpose.

Yes, Jane.

Superstar, it's me,
Guru Pitka!

Good luck.
He won't even let me in.

Mmm-hmm.

Darren, I took a shortcut
with you, and I'm sorry.

Now, what is it
you can't face?

What did you say to me?

What is it you can't face?

I can't face my ma.

Then that's what
you have to face.

Will you help me?
I can't.

You're on your own
when it comes to your mother.

Darren, the only
way out is in.

Yes, yes, yes, it's good.

It's good, it's good, it's good,
it's good, it's good.

What the hell
happened to you?

Ma! I'm a grown man,
and I can take it from here.

I love you.

I love you,
baby boy.

Now, how long will it take you to get
dressed and get down to the ice?

Five minutes.
Well, you better hurry up,

'cause there's only six
minutes left in the game!

Go, baby boy!
Go, go, go, go, go!

I think I made a happy
wee-wee. Yeah.

Come on. Let's go quickly!
Come on. Come, come. Hello?

Action picks up here in game seven
with only 31 seconds left to go.

Coach, I'm ready.

Get in there!

Darren Roanoke
is in the game!

Hey, Rob Blake. The first thing
they teach you about hockey

is never ever
watch the puck.

Roanoke's going
for the Ice Slam!

Yeah!
Yeah!

We're all tied up, folks,
with only eight seconds left!

Seven, six, five, four...
Seven, six, five, four...

This is it, folks.

Roanoke on the breakaway,
just him and Grande!

With one second left!
It's a penalty shot.

Roanoke could win
the Stanley Cup here.

Hey!

Listen, Darren,
I know we are rivals,

but fate chose
these sides, not us.

So, before you take this shot,
I just need to say

damn!

Show it to me.

Damn!

I don't know what Grande just said to
Roanoke, but he is now out to lunch.

Superstar! What did
he say to you?

He said, "Damn!"

"Damn!" Quaking pudding.
That's not good.

Cherkov, call a time-out.

We're out of time-outs.

Just buy us some time.

He needs a distraction.
Jane, follow me!

He's gotta take
the shot, now!

I promised myself
I'd never do this.

Hey, ref! I'm having
a heart attack.

Out of the way!
Coach! Coach!

Get the crash kit!

Sir, may I borrow
your elephant, Lucy?

Sure.

Bodhisattva!

Come, come! Come on, boy!
Elephant coming through!

Come on, Bodhi! Let's go quickly!
Come on, Bodhi!

Clear!

Uh-oh.

Yes!

Yes!

Get busy, Bodhi.

Eight seconds!

What do you make of this?

I think they're
doing it, Trent.

I think they're
doing it hard.

Let's go to
the Kellistrator.

The ultimate distraction!

I love you.
I love you.

Post-ejaculation, the barbs at
the tip of the penis retract.

Bing-bam-boom, you got a baby pachyderm.
Back to you, Trent.

Now, what happens if you
don't score this goal?

I'd still be a hero

to me!

Yes! "Gee, you are you." TM.

Go get 'em!

Come on, Roanoke!
Let's go!

Five-hole!

No!

Five-hole trap!

The Toronto Maple Leafs
have won the Stanley Cup!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah!

I love hockey!
I love hockey!

I love hockey, too!

They did it!

The curse is over for the Leafs,
and I need to sleep!

We didn't waste time.
We didn't waste no time.

Maurice?

Deepak Chopra!

Oprah called me,
and she said you canceled.

I told her she should
give you another chance.

As great as you are, I don't need
to become the next Deepak Chopra.

I am the first Guru Pitka!

You are free.

You're a good man,
Deepak Chopra.

Hey, Pitka?

Sorry I punched you
in the nuts.

That's okay.
Give me a hug.

If you ever sucker
punch me again,

I'll kick your ass all the way
back to the Keebler factory.

Give me a pound.
Lock it down.

Break the pickle.
Tickle, tickle.

You.
No, you.

Come on now, you.
No, you.

Well, no, you.

And so our story ends

where it all began,

here in the tiny Indian
village of Harenmahkeester,

in the valley
of Lintinmybelli.

Oh, hi.

Maurice.

Oh, my God.
You look so beautiful.

Thank you.

Maurice. You have finally
learned to love yourself.

You may now renounce
your vow of chastity.

May I have the key?

There is no key.
There never was.

There's a snap
in the back.

Thank you,
Guru Tugginmypudha.

Yeah.

Are you leaving?

The last rule of guru is to rid
student of the need of guru.

Yes, of course.

Okay, see you.

Doesn't work sometimes.

So, what do you
want to do now?

Well, I've been wearing this
belt since I was 12 years old.

What do you think
I want to do now?

I want to sing!

Starting mark.

Hey, Peter, can we move the camera in?
All I can see is asses.

Now you know
what it's like.

Bravo, Verne, bravo.