All language subtitles for Disc 08 - What Am I Doing In New Jersey_ (1988)

I gotta go to New Jersey.

Is there any way you can get out of it?

No, I don't think so. I think it has
something to do with original sin.

Okay, get it.

Sorry to do this for you.

Why are you gonna go to New Jersey?

I gotta do a show.

What kind of show?

I'm a comedian.

40 seconds feet, man. You know why they
call it 40 seconds feet?

What? Because that's about all the
amount of time you want to spend on it.

seconds. Yeah, but I kind of like the
sign.

Yeah, they look great.

I saw a sign here last week I'd never
seen before.

On stage tonight, continuous live adult
nude all -male fucking.

Huh?

Every time I go through this well -used
tunnel, I think of my ex -wife.

What do you mean? Beat out for a round
trip?

Nah, I'm from Jersey.

Those people know about sex. They can't
help it. Those names. Middle Sex County.

S -Sex County.

S -Sex County.

Point Pleasant. Long Branch.

Cherry Hill.

Takasana. Fort Dix.

Jersey Club.

Yeah, a lot of yuppies live out here.

Yeah?

Maybe if we're lucky, most of them will
die.

Hey, man, it's getting late.

Yeah, I hate to tell you this, but I
think we're lost.

Lost in New Jersey.

Let's get out of here.

Hey, here's a place. Pull in over here.

I'll go in and ask direction.

While you're in there, ask me about what
they think of man's role in the

universe.

Why? I just want to know.

Excuse me, I got to do a show nearby and
I need directions. Can you help me?

Hey, you're George Cullen.

We're just getting ready to watch you on
TV.

Oh, great. But look, can any of you guys
tell me how to get to the park theater?

Just one more thing.

What do you think about man's role in
the universe?

What'd they say? They said, keep going
straight until you come to a turn.

No, what'd they say about man's role in
the universe?

Oh, they said they need more time to
think about it.

Okay, here. Thanks a lot, man.
Appreciate it.

Hey,

you want to come in and see the show?
No, I think I'll go back and watch you

Manny. Okay.

Just don't ask him anything too deep.

We got a wild night, heavy
thunderstorms, heavy, heavy, 49 degrees

breeze, and we're going to have a lot of
fun.

Without any further ado, it gives me a
great deal of pleasure to introduce a

gentleman who needs no introduction.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Hiya.

All right. Thank you.

Appreciate that.

I'd like to begin tonight by thanking
you for being here and thanking

at Manny's for helping us find our way
down here.

I'd like to start with a list of people
I can do without.

I think everybody has a list like this.

This is my list of people I can do
without.

Guys in their 50s named Skip.

Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with
an Exxon credit card.

An airline pilot who's wearing two
different shoes.

A proctologist with poor depth
perception.

A pimp who drives a Toyota Corolla.

A gynecologist who wants my wife to have
three or four drinks before the

examination.

Guys with a lot of small pins on their
hats.

Anyone who mentions Jesus more than 300
times in a two -minute conversation.

A dentist with blood in his hair.

Any woman whose hobby is breastfeeding
zoo animals.

A funeral director who says, hope to see
you folks again real soon.

Girls who get drunk and throw up at
breakfast.

A man with only one lip.

A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo
shop.

People who actually know the second
verse to the Star Spangled Banner.

Any lawyer who refers to the police as
the Federales.

A cross -eyed nun with a bullwhip and a
bottle of gin.

A brain surgeon with born to lose
tattooed on his hands.

Guys who have their names printed on
their belts.

Couples whose children's names all start
with the same initial.

A man in a hospital gown directing
traffic.

A waitress with a visible infection on
her serving hand.

People who have large gums and small
teeth.

Guys who wear the same underwear until
it begins to cut off the circulation to

their feet.

And any man whose arm hair completely
covers his wristwatch.

Okay, that's enough of that.

That's enough of that.

Thank you.

All right.

Thank you. Thank you. This is a lively
group we have here.

And a good -sized

audience, too. And I want to mention
that this is probably... I really

seen this many people in one place since
they took the group photographs of all

the criminals and lawbreakers in the
Ronald Reagan administration.

Yeah.

225 of them so far.

225 different people in the Ronald
Reagan administration have either quit,

fired, been arrested, indicted, or
convicted of either breaking the law or

violating the ethics code.

225 of them. And Edwin Meese alone,
Edwin Meese alone has been investigated

by three separate special prosecutors,
and there's a fourth one waiting for him

in Washington right now.

Three separate special prosecutors have
had to look into the activities of the

Attorney General. And the Attorney
General is the nation's leading law

enforcement officer.

See, that's what you've got to remember.
This is the Ronald Reagan

administration we're talking about.
These are the law and order people.

These are the people who are against
street crime.

They want to put street criminals in
jail to make life safer for the business

criminals.

They're against street crime.

They're against street crime, providing
that street isn't Wall Street.

And the Supreme Court decided about a
year ago that it's all right to put

in jail now if we just think they're
going to commit a crime.

It's called preventive detention. All
you've got to do now is just think

going to commit a crime. Well, if we'd
have known this shit seven or eight

ago, we could have put a bunch of these
Republican motherfuckers directly into

prison.

Put them in the joint where they belong
and we could have saved the money of

putting these country club tin -headed
assholes on trial.

Another thing you've got to remember,
this is the group of people who were

elected with the help of the moral
majority.

Elected with the help of the moral
majority and the Teamsters Union.

That's a good combination.

Organized religion and organized crime
working together to help build a better

America.

Another thing.

Keep in mind, these Reagan people are
the ones that were going to get

off our backs. Remember that? That was
the rhetoric of the 1980 campaign.

We'll get government off your backs and
out of your lives.

Yeah, but they still want to tell you
what magazines you can read.

And they still want to tell you what
rock lyrics you can listen to. And they

still want to force your kids to pray in
school. And they still want to tell you

what you can say on the radio.

The FCC, the Federal Communications
Commission, decided all by itself that

and television were the only two parts
of American life not protected by the

free speech provisions of the First
Amendment to the Constitution.

I'd like to repeat that because it
sounds vaguely important.

The FCC, an appointed body, not elected,
answerable only to the president,

decided on its own that...

Radio and television were the only two
parts of American life not protected by

the First Amendment to the Constitution.

And why did they decide that? Because
they got a letter from a minister in

Mississippi.

A Reverend Donald Wildman in Mississippi
heard something on the radio that he

didn't like.

Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you
there are two knobs on the radio?

Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't
that comfortable with anything that has

two knobs on it.

But hey, reverend, there are two knobs
on the radio. One of them turns the

off, and the other one changes the
station.

Imagine that, reverend. You can actually
change the station.

It's called freedom of choice, and it's
one of the principles this country was

founded upon. Look it up in the library,
reverend, if you have any of them left

when you finish burning all the books.

And I don't know how you feel about it,
but I am getting pretty sick and tired

of these fucking church people.

I have just about had it with these
fucking church people, all of them. You

what I say we ought to do with these
churches? Tax them!

Tax these motherfuckers!

If they're so interested in politics and
government policy and public policy,

let them pay their admission price like
everybody else.

Tax them! Hey!

The Catholic Church alone could wipe out
the federal budget deficit if all you

did was tax them on their real estate
holdings.

And speaking of real estate holdings,
let's get back to Ronald Reagan and his

criminal gang.

When last we left them, they were going
to get government off our backs.

Yeah, but when it comes to abortion,
they don't mind government being in a

woman's uterus, do they?

Yeah, backs are no good, but uterus is
okay by them.

These people call themselves right -to
-lifers.

Don't you love that phrase? And don't
you love the way these kind of people

pervert the English language, right -to
-lifers? You realize that most of the

right -to -lifers are in favor of the
death penalty and they support the South

American death squads and they're
against gun control and they're against

nuclear weapons control. When they say
right -to -life, they're talking about

their right to decide which people
should live or die.

So these right -wingers...

You know?

So these Reagan people, these right
-wingers in general, these crypto

they're against homosexuality. They're
against pornography.

They're against sex education.

They're against abortion.

Yeah, they're going to get government
off your back, but they're going to tell

you how to live your sex life. And let
me ask you this, how would they know

anything about it?

Have you ever taken a look at those
people?

No wonder they're afraid of their
bodies. Take a look at them.

Doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic
that most of the people who are against

abortion are people you wouldn't want to
fuck in the first place?

Hey,

I'm

the first one to say it's a great
country, but it's a strange culture.

We got a strange culture. This has got
to be the only country in the world that

could ever come up with a disease like
bulimia.

Got to be the only country in the world
where some people have no food at all

and other people eat a nourishing meal
and puke it up intentionally.

This is a country where tobacco kills
400 ,000 people a year so they ban

artificial sweeteners.

Because a rat died.

This is a place where gun store owners
are given a list of stolen credit cards,

but not a list of criminals and maniacs.

And now they're thinking about banning
toy guns and they're going to keep the

fucking real ones.

This is a place where alcohol ruins more
lives than cancer, and everybody gets

upset when some athlete gets hooked on
cocaine.

You know, Time Magazine and Newsweek,
they put cocaine on the cover, but they

put the liquor advertisements inside the
magazine.

It's the old American double standard.
You know, say one thing, do something

different.

And of course the country is founded on
the double standard. That's our history.

We were founded on a very basic double
standard. This country was founded by

slave owners who wanted to be free.

Am I right?

A group of slave owners who wanted to be
free.

So they killed a lot of white English
people in order to continue owning their

black African people so they could wipe
out the rest of the red Indian people

and move west and steal the rest of the
land from the brown Mexican people,

giving them a place to take off and drop
their nuclear weapons on the yellow

Japanese people.

You know what the motto of this country
ought to be? You give us a color, we'll

wipe it out.

We got it.

So anyway, about 80 years after the
Constitution is ratified, 80 years

the slaves are freed.

Not so you'd really notice it, of
course.

Just sort of on paper.

And that was, of course, during the
Civil War.

Now there's another phrase I dearly
love. That is a true oxymoron if I've

heard one.

Civil War. Do you think any country
could really have a Civil War?

Say, pardon me.

I'm awfully sorry.

Now, of course, the Civil War has been
over for about 120

years, but not so you'd really notice
it.

Because we still have these people
called Civil War buffs.

People who thought it was a really keen
war.

And they study the battles carefully and
they try to improve on the strategies

and the tactics to increase the body
count in case we have to go through it

again sometime.

In fact, some of these people actually
get dressed up in uniform once a year

go out and refight these battles.

You know what I say? Use live
ammunition, assholes, would you please?

You might just raise the intelligence
level of the American gene pool.

But what do you expect? Hey, come on,
this is a warlike country. We come from

that northern European, basically the
northern European genes, the blue eyes,

those blue eyes. Boy, everybody in the
world learned real quick, didn't they?

When those blue eyes sail out of the
north, you better nail everything down,

motherfucker.

Nail it down, strap it down, or they'll
grab it. If they can't take it home,

they'll burn it. If they can't burn it,
they'll fuck it.

That's what happened to us.

And it's a warlike country. Come on. I
mean, forget foreign policy. Even the

domestic rhetoric is warlike. Everything
about our domestic policy invokes the

thought of war. We don't like something
in this country, we declare war on it.

The war on poverty. The war on drugs.

The war on crime.

The war on AIDS. The war on cancer. We
got the only national anthem that

mentions fucking rockets and bombs in
the goddamn thing. You know what I mean?

All right.

Anyway, you know.

Well, that's enough fantasy stuff. Let's
get back to the real world.

Let's check on Manny, see how these guys
are doing. You people all right over

there? Everything cool?

It's just like a giant thing.

I think they've all been drinking
intravenously.

They don't have any rectal drugs, do
they? That's going to be a big advance

we have that.

Then you can hide them and take them at
the same time, you know?

You'll have to come up with that.

Anyway.

Now we come to the practical portion of
our show. This is the practical stuff.

This is where I actually give advice.

Little tips and hints and suggestions on
things that will help the quality of

life. Little things you can put to work
almost immediately.

In fact, some of you may be aware of my
more famous tips from the past.

How to get rid of counterfeit money?

Put it in the collection plate at
church.

See how often the simple solution will
elude us.

Here's one, how to get out of jury duty.
Lots of people try that, don't they?

And they do. A lot of them get out of
jury duty by lying. You don't have to

Tell the judge the truth.

Tell him you'll make a terrific juror
because you can spot guilty people just

like that.

Well, today's suggestions are a little
different. These are just sort of hints

on things you can do to keep other
people alert during the day when you're

and about your business.

Little ways to keep people on their
toes.

Because people need that. And I'm not
talking about your friends so much. It's

just the general public. People need a
little sort of a mental goose during the

day to kind of bring them back to
reality, you know? There are an awful

people walking around.

Not all there.

And I don't mean the helpless or the
homeless. I don't mean people who've

kicked out of Matawan without their
medications and stuff. I'm talking about

fuckers with jobs.

There are people walking around with a
kind of a... kind of a neutral

zone around their heads.

Some people leave part of their brains
at home when they come out in the

morning.

Hey, some people don't have that much to
bring out in the first place.

So I say there are little things you can
do to help keep other people on their

toes.

Did you ever try backing out of a drive
-in bank?

That's the kind of thing I mean.

Or just walk up to someone on the street
and say, pardon me, I have nothing to

say.

Someone asks you what time it is? You
say, well, it's either 6 .15 or Mickey

a hard -on.

Now, many of these suggestions...

Many of these suggestions which I'm
offering are intended for use on retail

clerks.

Because retail clerks seem to need
special help.

Do you ever go into a store and realize

immediately that the clerk is running on
a lean mixture?

The cheese fell off his cracker a long
time ago.

He's just a couple of sandwiches short
of a picnic

Here's one to try

go into a gift shop and ask for your
gift

Well,

they never seem to have mine

I say, I saw your sign, I came in for my
gift.

Save you the trouble of looking all over
for me.

Doesn't impress them, but it keeps them
on their goddamn toes.

Or else, just go running into any quiet
little store on a Sunday morning and

say, Are you open on Thursday?

He'll say yes, say, Thank you!

And run!

Let them figure it out.

It's not your concern.

Stand on line at the bank for a really
long

time.

One of those new kind of lines they have
at the bank.

The common feeder line.

Used to be every teller had his own
line.

Not anymore.

Now you think you're in fucking
Disneyland.

Stand on line a long time.

When you finally get up to the window,
just ask for change of a nickel.

They actually call other tellers over to
look at you.

Here's one.

Go into the photographer's studio in
your neighborhood and ask the man if you

can buy the pictures of the other
people.

Say, how much for that heavyset couple
in the window?

Oh, they will stare at you a long time
on that one.

In fact, they might even back up several
feet.

This one is my current favorite.

Go into the dry cleaners and ask the man
if he can remove the stains from one

pair of pants and put them in another
pair of pants.

They ought to be able to do that for the
same amount of money.

While you're in there, ask him if he can
get pecker tracks off a wedding gown.

That's the test of a really quality dry
cleaner.

Go into a laundry.

Hand him your shirt and tell him to
rotate the buttons.

Go into a gun store.

Buy a gun and buy some ammunition.

Then ask them if they have any ski
masks.

All right, that's all right. No, no.

No, no.

Go into a supermarket. This is a good
one for the supermarket. Get your

cart in the supermarket and fill it to
the top. I mean a huge mound of

groceries. And then go up to the line
and look for somebody with one item and

ask him if you can get ahead of him.

Do you mind?

I'm in a hurry.

I only have 1 ,100 items.

Run into a bakery and say, can you bake
a cake in the shape of a penis?

They never know. They always have to
have a meeting.

Well, I don't know. Wait a minute now.
Hold on just a second.

Could we have a picture to go by?

Well, no, but I'll tell you what I'm
going to do for you, lady.

Next time you're at a wishing well,
doesn't happen often, next time you're

wishing well, ask to see the manager.

Tell him you've been coming there for 10
years and none of your wishes have come

true.

Either you give me my money back or I'm
shitting in the well.

Here's one for the baseball park.

Baseball park. You ever notice at the
ball game a lot of guys bring a glove?

Fuck that. Bring a bat.

You see a foul ball coming?

Hit it back to them.

Hit it back to them.

Yeah.

Then stand up and wave at the pitcher.

They'll think you're a fun fan.

They'll think it's straightjacket night.

Did you ever notice in some hotels they
give you a little sewing kit?

You know what I do?

I sew the towels together.

Sew the sheets to the drapes.

Here's one for the guys.

This one is strictly for the guys.

Go into a barber shop.

Tell the man you want to get your pubic
hair streaked.

Say, nothing fancy, just frost my bush.

They'll be talking about you for years.

The man who had his bush hair sectioned
off with aluminum foil.

As they try to find a way to fit you
under a dryer.

You'll be in the Bush Hall of Fame.

Here's a good one in the bar, when
you're drinking in the bar.

You ever notice in the bar someone
always says to you, hey, can I buy you a

drink? Say, no thanks, but can I have
the money instead?

Tell him you're saving up to buy your
own goddamn bar.

Now there's one more area of daily life
which lends itself to keeping

people alert.

And that is when you're driving.

Certainly you'd agree. Anyone behind the
wheel of a car has lots of

opportunities to keep people on their
toes.

And I don't mean just blowing some
guy's... head off because he cut you off

the red light or something.

I'm talking about subtle things, like
putting your car in low gear and

pedestrians into the mall.

There's been a lot of talk, as you know,
about this.

violence on the highways, people
shooting each other from their cars. I

believe too much in that sort of an
overt violence.

I like kind of a preventive violence in
my car. Know what I have? In the rear

window of my car, I have one of those
diamond -shaped yellow signs that says,

Armed Pit Bull with AIDS on board.

And I'll tell you, even the jack -offs
are leaving me alone.

Here's a little some fun in the car
driving along. Somebody's driving along

to you in the next lane over there. And
you say, pull over, pull over, pull

over, pull over.

He pulls over. You keep going.

Let him park a while and think it over.

Hey, it's certainly none of your
concern.

In fact, you don't want to have anything
to do.

With an asshole like that.

That man is liable to kill someone.

Here's another little practical joke for
the driver. When you're going through

the toll booth.

Well, not actually through the booth
itself.

Shit, that would be a big practical
joke.

I mean when you're going through the
little space.

In between the booths.

When you get up there and the guy sticks
out his hand, bargain with him.

Try to get yourself a better deal.

Tell him you heard it was free Chevrolet
day.

Tell him it's a used road and you're
looking for a discount.

Tell him you got no more money, you
spent it all on pussy and beer.

That'll wake him up, especially if
you're a woman.

Talking about toll booths.

Talking about toll booths and paying
your way.

I grew up in this area and I think
anyone who's driven in this area would

to agree with one thing.

New Jersey deserves the title Toll Booth
Capital of the United States of

America.

You know, because you can't back

out of your driveway.

In New Jersey, without some schmuck and
a hat, wants 50 cents.

And I don't mind paying tolls, but every
27 feet?

Bullshit.

I'd like to give them a blank check when
I enter New Jersey, and I'll sign it

when I leave and let them fill it out.
You know what I mean?

Leave me out of it, for Christ's sakes.

You can't make any gas mileage in New
Jersey. You're in a constant state of

slowing down.

By the time I get to Pennsylvania, I
need a fucking break job.

So I say let them be honest.

Let them put it right on the license
plate to New Jersey, the toll booth

What does it say now? The garden state?

Sure, if you're growing smokestacks,
yes.

And don't get me wrong, I got nothing
against New Jersey. I love the place. I

used to live right across the river from
Jersey, and I used to wave to the

people. They couldn't see me. It's a
mile and a half. But fuck them, I waved

anyway.

Why?

Because I'm a caring guy.

I like New Jersey. I even have one of
those T -shirts you guys sell. It says,

kiss her where it smells, take her to
New Jersey.

So I'm a supporter. You can hear that in
my voice.

Well, I know you can't please everyone.
That's true.

Well, you see, I mentioned the license
plates because I'm interested in what

different states put on their license
plates. Different states choose

little slogans.

And I sort of keep an eye on that. Like
Florida and Georgia put the county in

case these people forget where they live
overnight.

Indiana says, wander.

Sure, just get out and get hit by a
fucking Greyhound bus.

Pennsylvania went cutesy the last time.

Pennsylvania now says, you've got a
friend in Pennsylvania.

Well, most of the people who read these
things live in fucking Pennsylvania!

Of course they'd have a friend or two by
now!

30 or 40 years, you meet someone, you
know?

I just...

The most dramatic license plate of all
has to be New Hampshire's, which says,

live free or die!

Well, I'm certainly not going to move
there.

I get just a little nervous in any state
where they mention death right on the

license plates.

On the other hand, Idaho says, famous
potatoes.

I guess those are the two extremes in
thought.

It would seem to me that somewhere in
between live free or die.

And famous potatoes, the truth lies.

Probably it's a little closer to famous
potatoes.

But that's just one fellow's opinion.

And as long as we're talking about
things that belong on the back of the

things that are there to be read, let's
check our bumper stickers before we go

out driving. Let's make sure we have
enough bumper stickers on the car.

You wouldn't want to get out in traffic
and not have some reading material for

the other drivers.

What on earth would people ever do at
the red lights if it weren't for my

rear bumper mobile library service?

And I have so many, I always have to
check to see which ones are current.

see what I have on here today.

Kind of an intellectual bumper sticker.

Honk if your horn is broken.

That ought to hold the average American
for about a mile and a half.

Here's a spiritual one.

I've found him.

I have Jesus in the trunk.

And of course, my favorite bumper
sticker, I'd rather be driving.

Usually the guy who has that one is
wearing a t -shirt that says, same shit,

different day.

What else do we see on the backs of
these cars? I love my German Shepherd.

I love your wife.

And of course, a humorous license plate
frame.

You wouldn't want to wander too far from
home without a humorous license plate

frame. Mine says, my other car is a
piece of shit too.

And let's not forget the three most puke
-inducing words that man has yet

thought of.

Baby on board.

I don't know what valueless, soulless,
yuppie, cocksucker thought of that idea.

No idea.

Baby on board. Who gives a fuck?

I certainly don't.

You know what these morons are actually
telling us, don't you? I know you

figured this out. They're actually
saying... to us, we know you're a shitty

driver most of the time, but because our
child is nearby, we expect you to

straighten up for a little while.

Fuck these people. I run them into a
goddamn utility pole.

Right into a pole.

Roll that car over. Bounce that kid
around a little bit.

Let him grow up with a sense of reality,
for Christ's sakes.

Life doesn't change because you post a
sign.

I'm supposed to alter my driving habits
because some woman forgot to put her

diaphragm in. Isn't that really nice?

Isn't that a real treat for me?

Baby on board, child in car. Don't tell
me your troubles, lady.

Why don't you put up an honest sign?

Asshole at the wheel!

Asshole at the wheel. They don't sell
many of them, do they? No.

They give them away free with Volvos and
Audis.

God help us.

And Saabs.

Some of these misfits buy Saabs.

We bought a Saab.

What'd you buy a Swedish piece of shit
like that for?

It's a safe car.

These people think that if they buy safe
cars, it excuses them for the

responsibility of having to learn how to
drive the fucking things.

First you learn to drive, then you buy
your goddamn safe car.

Well, I get pissed, goddammit, I get
pissed!

You know, there's a lot of... There's a
lot of shit you have to put up with when

you're driving.

Like red lights.

When did this bullshit start?

I only noticed him about a month ago
myself.

And I'll be honest with you, I don't
stop for him anymore.

I did for about a week. Didn't like it.
Fuck him.

I'm gone.

I got no time to sit there jacking
around listening to the news.

You know my motto in traffic?

Cop didn't see it, I didn't do it.

I haven't hit anybody yet.

Haven't hit anybody? I've had a few
people behind me hit each other, but

That's not me. That's back there.

Me? I'm gone.

And I'm getting a whole lot better
mileage.

Especially in town.

God damn, them sidewalks come in handy,
don't they?

Well, what are they going to do if they
catch me? Give me a ticket?

You know, that's the big fear in some
people's lives. Ain't this a bitch?

get a ticket.

You know how to handle a ticket by now,
don't you?

You got to be firm with the policeman.

Be firm with that policeman.

Policemen respect strength.

While he's writing out the ticket, you
got to flash him a whole lot of bad

looks.

Then when he's almost finished writing,
reach over and grab the ticket out of

his hand.

Tell him you're going to check it over
for mistakes.

Then when you finish reading it, crumple
it up and throw it at his feet.

And say, fuck you and your ticket too.

You asshole in a hat.

Can't you see I have enough garbage on
the floor of my car already?

Without another worthless piece of paper
from the state?

I got eight or nine of them fucking
things floating around in here.

Hey.

Don't I pay your salary?

They like that when you're interested in
the state budget.

You're a public servant.

Get me a glass of water.

You pinheaded prick.

You're holding me up, Jack. People are
waiting for me at a party. I got a trunk

full of heroin. Get the fuck out of my
way, will ya?

Tell them it's your car.

Tell them it's your car and you do what
you goddamn want with it.

Say, I own this car. My name is on the
pink slip. I do what I want. And I own

the highway too. My taxes paid for that.
They're both mine. I own the highway

and I own the car. I own everything,
goddammit!

He'll be glad to hear that shit.

That's what they like. People who know
their rights.

That way they don't have to read them to
you on the way downtown to the maximum

security penitentiary where you'll spend
the rest of your life with no conjugal

visits.

Except from some big guy you don't want
one from.

Well, I get pissed, goddammit!

There's a lot of shit you have to put up
with when you're driving.

Like these jogger assholes.

I've killed three of the motherfuckers
myself.

Three.

I have killed three jogger assholes.

Out.

I'd have more, I'd have a few more, but
I don't always kill them.

Sometimes I just toy with them, you
know.

I pull up in my car and with my right
front tire, I pull the sneaker off their

heel.

Of course, he can't hear me coming
because he has on his Walkman.

I'm wearing my Walkman today.

I'm cutting the world out.

Bullshit, you are, asshole.

They think they're going to live longer
by jogging.

Not if they get near my fucking machine,
then I... You're going away!

It's Michelin on Nike time!

I don't know which is worse, the jogger
assholes or the bicycle -riding creeps.

These faggots on their bicycles.

And they got special little hats, you
know? They have special little hats to

protect their special little heads.

And they all try to act grown up. These
bicycle people try to act mature because

they know basically they're dealing with
a toy. So they try to act grown up by

giving hand signals. That makes them
feel adult.

They give hand signals. He's going to
tell me where he's going. I'll tell you

where you're going. You're going 30 feet
up in the fucking air is where you're

going.

Back on the sidewalk with the rest of
the children.

Did your mother tell you to keep your
toys in the yard?

Well, I get pissed, goddammit!

There's a lot of shit you have to put up
with when you're driving.

Like the other cars.

Have you noticed that hazard?

Thousands of these other cars, many of
them with people who have licenses,

apparently.

And they get you so fucking pissed off.
Some of these people in their cars, they

get you so fucking pissed off.

You get so fucking pissed off, you know
what I mean? You ever get so fucking

pissed off that you forgot where you're
going?

Because you got behind someone who isn't
going anywhere either.

A man with no destination at all.

And I say, step on all the pedals, maybe
one of them means go.

Oh, they get you pissed.

I don't know where they come from, but I
believe, I believe there's an

automotive harassment squad that is
notified when I leave the house.

All right, he's leaving now. Everyone in
position.

And they're laying for me all along my
route.

Here's a guy making a U -turn in
reverse.

Here's a woman backing out of a bush.

And each of them has a special talent.
Each driver has one thing he does for

you.

First of all, there's the guy whose turn
signal has been on since 1955.

Then there's his opposite.

That's the guy who doesn't put his turn
signal on until he's finished the turn.

He's going to tell you where he was.

Then there's the guy behind you at night
whose brights are on.

He has his brights on in case you want
to read.

Well, I just happen to have a copy of
Ivanhoe with me.

Oh, don't they get you pissed? Don't
they get you so goddamn mad sometimes

you're out there?

Some of them especially.

Here's one you'll know. Here's a feeling
you'll recognize immediately.

You ever been behind somebody on like a
two -lane road or something? Somebody

you cannot get around?

You've been behind him already for like
18 minutes and you want to get somewhere

and he's not moving at all? And did you
ever get so pissed off that all you want

to do now is catch up with him to see
what the fuck he looks like?

I just want to see this cocksucker's
face.

Look, he looks exactly like I thought he
would.

Constipated!

Cars to watch out for.

First car is any car where the driver is
also on the phone.

Technology has brought us these self
-important twits.

You know, if phones were invisible,
these guys wouldn't own them. The whole

is for you to see the phone so you'll
know he's a busy guy.

I'm a busy guy.

He's reaching out. That's what he'd tell
you. I'm reaching out.

Well, reach out and jerk me off.

Cars to watch out for. People who don't
know how wide their cars are.

I've only been driving the goddamn thing
for four years. Don't know where it

fits yet.

Well, I don't know if I can fit in
there.

You can get the fucking Romanian army in
there!

Car to watch out for? Any car with more
than three people in it wearing neck

braces.

Cars where the driver is also conducting
a personal sightseeing tour for the

rest of his passengers.

There's a lot of this going on.

Hey, lady.

Guys in vans.

I don't understand these vans. What's
all the extra space for? They're never

hauling anything.

You want to haul lumber? Rent a truck.
You want to get laid? Go to a motel like

an evangelist would, for God's sakes.

Use your brains a little.

Then there's these people who want you
to go ahead of them. This courtesy

bullshit that's going around.

See, I don't think it's real courtesy.
That's why I don't like it. It's a

it's a counterfeit generosity.

Everybody wants me to go first. You, go.
Go ahead, please.

Go. Go.

Even when I leave the house in the
morning, there's a guy there at 7 a .m.

waiting for me. I'm waiting for you to
come out so you can go first. Go ahead.

I think it's a post -Vietnam guilt
syndrome of some kind.

You know, America has lost its soul, so
now it's going to save its body. It's

like the fitness craze in this country.
Well, it doesn't work that way. You know

what I mean?

It doesn't work that way. And I'm
sitting in the driveway. I know I'm

there. I'm stuck. It looks like I'm
stuck, but I'm not asking for any help.

not asking for anything.

just sitting there, and some yo -yo,
some putz, some world -class, high

state -of -the -art yo -yo, who hasn't
had a generous thought since St.

Swithin's Day, slams on his brakes,
kills three people behind him, and

ask me to go, tells me to go.

You go!

Fuck you!

You go!

I like it here!

I come here all the time.

You go.

And then when he goes, crash into him.

And if he gets out to complain, say,
hey, you said to go.

All right, that's enough of that for the
moment, huh?

I got to take a breather.

I guess you noticed tonight, while we've
been doing our show, we've also been

electing a pope.

And ever since I was a little kid, you
know when you elect a new pope, he

chooses a new name for himself.

And ever since I was a little kid, you
know what I was hoping? I'm hoping that

someday a pope will choose the name
Corky.

I just want to see Pope Corky the 23rd,
you know.

I think you'd have to skip right to 23
to give him a little credibility.

Somehow Pope Corky I doesn't make it,
does it?

Names interest me. And some of you will
be going out of here tonight and you

might wind up in some of these places
which names I haven't yet figured out

who's in charge.

Singles bars.

Have you noticed that singles bars all
seem to think they have to have cute

little names that end in S?

Scamps, tramps, chats, rumors, cahoots,
bingles, buckles, bangles, jungles,

bungles.

I'd like to have a singles bar and call
it Nipples and dicks.

A little truth in advertising.

The Sperm Club.

Snatch -O -Rama.

Frankie's Fuckery.

The Crotcheteria.

Cafe Vagina. Open all night.

Thank you all very much.

Have a good time. Good night, Kelly.