All language subtitles for Disc 06 - Carlin On Campus (1984)

Welcome to the home of the class clown,
the theater of suppressed laughter.

When you were in school, did you notice
that simply because you weren't allowed

to laugh, it made the laughing that much
better? That there was something about

trying to hold it in that made you laugh
even harder?

And it wasn't just in school. Church was
the same way. In fact, church was even

better, because in church, there was the
additional possibility of perhaps being

stricken dead by an angry God.

Well, Catholic schools combined the two
things, religion and the classroom.

An extra challenge for the resourceful
class clown.

Now, class clowns probably had a lot of
reasons for doing what they did. But for

my part, I always enjoyed getting laughs
because usually the person who laughed

was the one who got in trouble.

I could whip a quick face on Roger. Hey,
Roger.

And then Roger would be suddenly leaving
the classroom accused of having no self

-control. Hey, I figured if I'm not
going to get an education, why should

anybody else?

Probably the best attention -getter of
all was the old reliable artificial fart

under the arm.

It wasn't really a special skill, lots
of people could do it, but class clowns

could do it a little quicker and a
little louder.

And who else but the class clown would
have his shirt specially made for easy

access? No fumbling, no missed
opportunities, just reach in and squeeze

few.

I don't care.

I'm glad she kicked me out. I didn't
want to be in there anyway.

Now I can go where I always wanted to
go.

Where I really belong.

We're over there, everybody.

Howdy, howdy, howdy, howdy.

Nice to see you all. Hello.

Hello there. Thank you. Thank you.

Nice to meet you.

Thanks a lot. Thank you.

You look like you're ready for some fun.

Well, you know, they say blondes have
more fun.

Unfortunately, they also have more BD.

Just kind of goes with the territory,
you know?

I'll tell you something else. Between
herpes and AIDS, I don't care if I ever

get laid again as long as I live.

And I'm certainly not going to be
humping any Haitian hemophiliac

heroin addicts.

I'll tell you one good thing about
herpes, though. Finally, the people from

Brooklyn have a disease they can
mispronounce.

Hoipies.

That's the first one they've had like
that since, uh, tuberculosis.

They gave me something here to, uh,
bring to your attention. This is, oh, I

a message from the National Pancake
Institute.

And it says, fuck waffles.

Something you might want to keep in mind
when you drop into Denny's a little

later in the evening.

Actually, if you don't mind, I'd like to
begin the show with a prayer.

I'm not too sure about prayer in school,
but I definitely believe in prayer in

comedy.

Some nights, it's absolutely necessary.

So this is a little prayer I wrote
myself.

I don't mean I wrote it to myself.

I mean, me, myself, personally, I wrote
the goddamn prayer.

And it's dedicated to the separation of
church and state.

Our Father who art in heaven, and to the
republic for which it stands, thy

kingdom come, one nation, indivisible as
it is in heaven.

Give us this day as we forgive those who
so proudly we hail.

And crown thy good into temptation, but
deliver us from the twilight. Amen.

Just another way to start.

don't believe you're supposed to cheer a
prayer.

But we do still have time for a quick
Hail Mary.

Not quite that quick, sir.

Those of you who are Catholic will
recognize the quick Hail Mary.

Actually,

there's a quicker version.

That's the one you say when you're
falling from a truck.

And now, God, my requests.

I always save my requests for after the
formal prayers, don't you?

Sets them up.

Please, God, let me do a good show
tonight.

Don't let me be an asshole.

Don't let anyone yell too late.

And punish those who do.

Help me arrive safely back at my hotel
room.

Don't let me be attacked by a maniac
wearing a French tickler and a space

helmet.

Don't let my beard become entangled in
the gears of a transcontinental bus.

And don't let me be hit by a flying
turd.

Help me find some shoes I really like.

Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke
connection who owns a Ferrari

dealership.

Don't let me catch VD from a female
welder.

Don't let me catch VD from a male
welder.

Give Barry Manilow a boil on his ass.

And if it's at all possible, God, please
try to make all of our sex organs even

larger than you did the first time.

Well, I always like to throw in one
request that everyone else can get in

too, you know.

So I say live and let live. That's my
motto. Live and let live.

Anyone who can't go along with that,
take them outside and shoot the

motherfucker.

It's a simple philosophy, but it's
always worked in our family.

Just had, just, oh, that's weird.

Just had that little feeling. You ever
get that funny little, that kind of

feeling, that vous j 'ai des?

You know, not deja vu, this is vous j
'ai des.

This is the strange feeling that somehow
none of this has ever happened before.

And then it's gone, you know.

By the way, ladies and gentlemen, this
is our 200th show in a series of 114 and

is dedicated to the St. Louis home for
the totally fucked.

All proceeds from the show will be going
to help fight a terrible affliction

frothing at the crotch.

Well, it was either that or inverted
nipples, you know.

Ask your personal question.

Have you ever tried to fart and blow
your nose at the same time?

You can't do them together, can you?

It's like you're afraid you'll lose
complete control.

And wind up cleaning far more of the
house than you had intended.

Yeah, I got little things over here.

This is my office over here.

You notice that? It's got to be my
office, right?

Shit, if that's my job, it's got to be
my office.

Looks like an office to me.

Got the water cooler here.

That's the first thing I always looked
for when I worked in an office, you

The water cooler.

Little place to hang out in between
periods of making believe I was working.

Actually, it's just a little place for
my stuff.

You got to have that. Got to have a
little place to put your stuff during

day, during the evening, whatever it is,
don't you?

Yeah.

Everybody's got to have a little place
for their stuff. That's all life is

about. That's the meaning of life.

Trying to find a place to keep your
stuff.

That's all your house is. Think of it.
That's all your house is. It's a place

keep your stuff.

If you didn't have so much goddamn
stuff, you wouldn't need a house.

You could just walk around all the time.

That's all your house is. It's a pile of
stuff with a cover on it.

That's all your house is. It's a place
to keep your stuff while you go out and

get more stuff.

Sometimes you got to move.

Sometimes you got to move. You got to
get a bigger house. Why?

Too much stuff.

Now, sometimes you go on vacation.

You got to bring some of your stuff with
you.

Can't take all of your stuff.

Just the stuff you really like.

The stuff that fits you good that month.

You've got to take a smaller version of
your stuff.

Say you're going to go to Honolulu for
two weeks.

Two weeks in Honolulu, you've got to
take two big bags of stuff.

You get to Honolulu, you fly halfway
across an ocean.

You get to Honolulu, you get in a hotel
room, and you put away your stuff.

That's the first thing you do in a hotel
room, is put away your stuff.

I'll put some stuff here. I'll put some
stuff there. You put your stuff over

there. I'll put my stuff over here.
Here's another place. I'll put some

here. Here's another place over here.
Hey, we got more places than we got

We're going to have to buy more stuff.

But you put your stuff away and you know
that you're a long way from home and

you don't quite feel 100 % at home, but
you know that you must be okay because

you do have some of your stuff with you.

And you begin to relax, you know, feel
okay.

That's when your friend from Maui calls
up.

Says, hey, why don't you come over to
Maui for the weekend? Spend a couple of

nights over here.

Oh, shit.

Now what do I bring?

Can't bring all this stuff.

Right, you've got to bring an even
smaller version of your stuff.

Just enough stuff for a weekend on Maui.

And you go over to Maui and you're
really spread out. Now you've got shit

over the world.

You got stuff in the mainland, stuff in
Honolulu. You got stuff with you. Supply

lines are getting longer and harder to
maintain.

But you get over there to Maui and they
give you a little place to sleep, you

know. A little windowsill and you put
your stuff, because you don't have much

stuff now, on the windowsill. You put
your favorite stuff.

Your jumbo -sized visine.

Your trim nail clippers.

Your odor eater's 45 -day guarantee.

And your Afrin 12 -hour decongestant
nasal spray.

And you begin to relax, you know.

That's when your friend says, Hey, I
think tonight we'll go over to the other

side of the island, visit my friend,
maybe stay over.

Oh, shit.

No! What do you bring?

Well, now you just bring the things you
know you're going to need.

Money, keys, comb, wallet, lighter,
hanky, pen, cigarettes, contraceptives,

Vaseline, whips, chains, whistles,
dildos, and a book.

Maybe a little dental floss depending on
who's on the other side of the island.

It's no bullshit.

The Curran family of Boston,
Massachusetts had to leave their dog, Ma

behind when they moved across the
country to Seattle.

Two weeks after they arrived at their
new home, the dog showed up in Dallas,

Texas. By mistake, she had taken
Interstate 44 out of St. Louis.

It's no...

Bullshit! In Alton, Illinois, a farmer
named Cliff Miller found an ear of corn

with a hearing aid growing out of it.

It's no bullshit!

The Zamoro tribe in Central Africa is
slowly dying out because at 13 years of

age, they initiate their young by
putting them to death.

It's no...

Empress Minutia of ancient Symmetria
ruled for 71 years without once going to

the bathroom.

She believed the devil lived in the
toilet.

It's amazing.

It's astounding.

But it's no bullshit.

Sure, sure. What are you, crazy? Hey,
get out of here.

Sometimes I go like this.

Then I wonder why.

Have you noticed that mice have no
shoulders at all?

You put a necklace on a mouse, it goes
right down to his waist.

They think it's a belt. What do they
know? They're fucking mice, you know.

Have you ever owned one of those little
dogs? You know, one of those overbred

dogs?

One of those dogs that just shakes and
pisses all the time?

And you have to take him out for a pull?

Come on, you.

Come on, you asshole.

Those little dogs, you know what they do
just before they take a shit? They go

like this.

I get out of the way, you know, whoa,
look out.

Get behind a tree, hold the leash, you
know.

I had a little dog named Tippy, who was
just one of the dogs I had in my life.

That's what's great about dogs. They
don't live too long, and you can go and

another one.

But Tippy was great and so nice.

One time, one time I fed Tippy Cracker
Jacks, because that's what I was having.

Hey, sounded like a good meal to me, you
know.

Cracker Jacks and tap water.

She ate about a box and a half Cracker
Jack.

And the next day I took her for a walk.

She took a Cracker Jack.

Cracker Jack was coming out of my dog.

I was waiting for the surprise, you
know.

Hoping it wasn't a whistle or a bird
call.

There's certain basic hygiene that you
simply have to follow, you know.

A lot of your comedians that come out,
all they're trying to do is tell jokes.

Bullshit.

I try to have a little helpful stuff.

Consumer hints, you might call them.

I'm a bit of a consumer advocate, you
know.

I care about those things.

What you got to do in the marketplace to
stay alive.

I mean, not just getting ripped off, but
you've got to be a defensive shopper

now.

Tylenol is what started me on this whole
thing.

Is that a Tylenol? Whoa!

God damn, that was cyanide they were
putting in there.

You know, hey, shit, I'd rather have a
headache.

To me, I figure, hey, maybe the headache
will go away.

That cyanide shit hangs on.

I certainly hope those people don't get
to the Preparation H real soon, I'll

tell you that.

Hey, that's all it takes is one crazy
glue freak. You know what I mean?

That's right.

The whole society would come to a halt,
believe me.

Do you realize that Exlax is really just
old, bad chocolate that gives you the

runs?

A lot of people aren't aware of this
stuff.

Let me ask you a breakfast question.
What wine goes with Cap 'n Crunch?

I have trouble selecting a wine in the
mornings.

Sometimes I give up altogether and smoke
a bong full of Froot Loops and go on

back to bed, you know.

Yeah.

Smoke a bong full of Froot Loops, go
back to bed and watch the mid -morning

movie.

Call into work. Call into work around 11
o 'clock.

Tell the boss, you smoked some Froot
Loops and you're watching a movie.

And you'll be in around 2 o 'clock if
you feel like it.

That's the way you got to treat the
boss. You can't take shit from a guy

because you work for him.

Let him know who the real boss is. Tell
him it's your job. Hey, it's my job.

I'll do it my way.

That's what they like. Snappy answers.

Even if you're just going in for a job
interview, let him know what kind of a

guy you are. Have a beer can opener and
a bunch of swizzle sticks sticking out

of your pocket up here.

Let him know you consider partying to be
sort of a career of its own.

And you'd like an office right near the
front so you can get the fuck out at 5 o

'clock in a big, big hurry. You know
what I mean? I ain't staying around

Tell him what's happening.

Then ask him politely what his attitude
is on Monday and Friday absenteeism.

Tell him you don't need a two -martini
lunch, but you gotta have a one -joint

coffee break.

Let him know you'd like to start next
month, but you must be paid immediately.

And if you still don't have the job,
point to the picture on his desk and

who's the cunt?

That'll get you right in.

Probably have a nice long career with
that company.

Well, I noticed another one of these has
come in.

This one is from the National Waffle
Institute.

I wonder what this one says.

French toast sucks.

Well, I have these notes and I look at
them now and then, but most of the time

know them anyway.

Reminds me of something my grandfather
used to say. He used to say, I'm going

upstairs and fuck your grandmother.

Well, he was an honest guy, you know.

He wasn't going to lie to a little kid.

I've been feeling strange lately. My
jock came back from the laundry with

marks in it, you know?

We take that as an omen in my family.

You ever see a guy like this?

See, I hope I don't.

Let's do this tomorrow. Everybody, let's
do this tomorrow at 3 o 'clock.

Perhaps no one will know why.

Think for a moment about the concept of
the flamethrower.

Okay? The flamethrower. Because we have
them.

Well, we don't have them. The army has
them.

That's right.

We don't have any flamethrowers.

I'd say we're fucked if we have to go up
against the army, wouldn't you?

But we have flamethrowers. And what this
indicates to me, it means that at some

point, some person said to himself,

Gee, I sure like to set those people on
fire over there.

But I'm way too far away to get the job
done.

If only I had something that would throw
flame on them.

Well, it might have ended right there,
but he mentioned it to his friend.

His friend who was good with tools.

And about a month later, he was back.
Hey, quite a concept.

And of course the army heard about it
and they came around. We'd like to buy

about 500 ,000 of them, please.

We have some people we'd like to throw
flame on.

Give us 500 ,000 and paint them dark
brown.

We don't want anyone to see them.

Camouflage. What a great idea,
camouflage.

Have you noticed in the television film
from Beirut they have on camouflage

suits?

There aren't fucking trees within 25
miles of Beirut, man.

They should have storefronts and car
grills on there, you know?

Disco.

Want to go for a ride?

Want to go for a ride? Let me go. Let me
get this.

Let's go for a ride, okay?

Well, actually, you'll go for a ride.
I'll go for a drive.

The person who drives the car, they're
the one who goes for a drive.

The other people, they go for a ride.

People don't know that. Tell them when
they're in your car.

Say, you assholes are going for a ride.

I'm going for a drive because I'm making
the payments on this.

This is my car for purposes of
discussion.

And it's like any car, it's tough to get
into it. You know, you got to get in

the car first. And it's not easy if you
think about it. There's a certain amount

of risk involved getting in the car.
Have you noticed how wonderful it is,

way they designed the car, that the
driver's door is right out in the middle

goddamn traffic?

Holy shit.

I mean, you haven't even gotten in this
death machine yet, and you almost died

once.

What you need is a nice long red light
back about a mile and a half.

Because you need a little time and space
to get in your car with a little style

and grace.

I've often held up traffic for two or
three hours just going in and out.

As I said, this is my car.

My car has one of those door handles. A
lot of people have them, I think, now.

The kind of door handles which is
recessed a little bit into the door, and

fingers actually go in a little before
they grab it. Don't you like that? I

that.

That's why they're not going to make it
anymore.

They found out we like that.

And my door, when I open my door, my
door goes whoosh, and my door swings all

the way open.

You know what I mean? All the way open.

I don't have one of those fancy doors
that hangs there halfway and stays

you know. My door is either fucking
closed or fucking open.

That's it. We got two things.

Pick one.

And if you're going to do anything
really tricky, like get in the car, you

better prop that door open with a broom
handle, Jack.

Because sure as shit, it's going to come
back and... Whoa!

Oh, and that hurts for about a year and
a half, you know.

And the little purple ring never goes
away.

Now, I have an additional problem
getting into my car because my driver's

is pushed all the way forward on those
two little runners, and it's never,

coming back again.

There are about 50 of those little pop
-top beer can rings all fused into one

piece of metal, and this thing is never
going to move unless there's an atomic

attack.

Now, we get in the car if we can and get
going. Well, we have one additional

thing. You may have parked in this
parking lot where you had full access to

car when you went into the shopping
center.

But now that you've been in there, some
asshole has parked right next to you.

And you have about four degrees
clearance now.

And you've got to try and get in. And
you're carrying 12 gifts and wearing a

hat.

Plus, your back is not built for this.
You know, backs are not made for getting

into cars. I'll tell you, my back hurts
just standing around thinking.

Imagine this shit. And besides your
back, getting in like this, you also

serious ball injury from the steering
wheel.

So far, the worst thing that's happened
is the flow through my femoral artery

has been cut off for over 18 minutes.

Fortunately, I was parked in front of a
first aid station at the time.

But I'm in the car and I'm right up
front. What I mean is I'm forward in

car. You know what I mean? I'm right on
the firewall, okay?

Hey, if I want to look at the
speedometer, I got to go...

But at least I'm in the car.

And the goddamn door is still wide open.

Well, maybe I can reach it, you know.
Maybe without dislodging myself, I can

reach and close it.

Fuck it, we'll drive with the door open
today.

It's a lovely day anyway, isn't it?

And they say it helps you on left -hand
turns.

Okay, now we're going to be going for
this drive slash ride any minute here.

First, a philosophical question.

Have you ever noticed when you're
driving that anyone who's driving slower

you is an idiot?

And anyone driving faster

than you is a maniac!

Say, look at this idiot here. Will you
just look at this idiot just creeping

along? Whoa, look at that maniac. Go!

I mean, it's a wonder we ever get
anywhere at all with all the idiots and

maniacs there are.

Because there's certainly no one driving
at my speed.

I don't let anybody drive at my speed,
do you?

Bullshit, some guy's going my speed,
fuck him, I slow down.

Let him get up ahead a little bit, I can
keep an eye on that asshole from back

here.

I like to know who I'm driving near.

I'll often ask for personal references
at a yield sign.

Okay, now certain stuff we want to
remember before we go for a drive,

basic things. First of all...

There are some things that happen in the
car. Little embarrassments you suffer,

but everyone knows about them.

This is an example of what I mean. Have
you ever been driving someone else's car

and they're in the car for some reason?

You know what I mean? You're driving
their car and they're there too.

Let's say they fell out of a window and
broke both of their knees in a

courtyard.

For the sake of argument. And they can't
drive and you're driving their car. And

you're used to your car.

And your turn signal is mounted on the
opposite side of the steering column

their turn signal, and you go to shift
gears and you break off their fucking

turn signal.

Holy shit, came right off, didn't it?

Have to throw that mother away.

Goddamn, you'll have to get a new one of
them.

Shit, that broke easy, didn't it?

Some things break easy, don't they?

Some things just come right off.

Radio knobs in a car.

God, they're fragile.

Just trying to tune something in.

Just trying to find something you can
tolerate.

Holy shit, came right off. Look at that.

Throw that mother away.

Give me one out the bag. I got about 80
of them down there.

Thank you.

And you wind up listening to something
just the other side of the glove

compartment.

Now here's an embarrassing thing. This
is really embarrassing. This will stay

with you for several hundred miles.

You know those things you don't shake
off right away? Like when you almost got

killed by the big tractor -trailer
truck?

And you had to pull over for 20 minutes
and not do anything but listen to your

heart?

This is the same kind of thing. And this
is one you do it yourself.

It's so great.

You ever pull up to a red light and you
go a little bit too far into the

intersection?

So you put the car in reverse and you
back up just a little bit and then you

forget the car is in reverse.

You're truly an accident waiting to
happen.

And then the light changes.

Holy shit, how did I get back here?

This is where I started from.

God, you got to pay attention even at
the red lights, don't you?

I thought, sure, they were for resting.

Didn't it seem that way to you?

Drive a little while, rest a little
while.

Boy, you have a lot of fun at the red
lights.

You ever kill somebody at the red light?

You can do it. They're walking right in
front of you, man.

Let's kill this asshole, huh?

Nah, let him go.

Hey, let's kill his broad, okay?

Nah, fuck it, let him go. Let's not kill
anybody today.

Two people saved, man changes mind.

Here's a little red light story somebody
told me.

Guy's driving along, got someone sitting
right next to him, and he goes right

through a red light.

Guy says, what are you doing? He said,
never mind, will you? My brother drives

like this.

Goes a little bit further, comes to
another red light.

Right through it. What you doing? I told
you, will you stop it? My brother

drives like this.

Comes to a green light and he stops.

What are you doing?

Well, my brother might be coming the
other way.

What's the first thing they teach you in
driver education?

They tell you where to put your hands on
the steering wheel. They tell you to

put them at 10 o 'clock and 2 o 'clock.

Bullshit, I put mine at 9 .45 and 2 .17.

Gives me an extra half an hour to get to
work, you know?

By the way, use everything on your car.
You know what I mean? It's yours. Fuck

it. You paid for the car. Use
everything, man.

Flip your sun visor, even on a cloudy
day. Who knows? Flip it over here. Flip

up and down. Flip it on the side like
the French people do. Flip the other

even if no one is there. Open the
ashtray. Push in the lighter, even if

don't smoke. Turn all the knobs. Have a
lot of fun.

Put your hand out the window. Tell
people to stop. You have power. Power.

Hold on. You. Stop.

Then let one person go. Okay, you can
go. Not you. You go.

Okay. Hey.

Fuck it, have a little fun. You paid for
the car, you know what I mean?

Now, a couple of things for the road.
Like, let's remember not to get behind

anybody weird.

Or even somebody mildly weird.

You ever been behind a guy whose turn
signal has been on for 80 miles?

You say, well, maybe he's just really
cautious, you know.

I'm not going to pull out now. He may go
at any moment.

And you find out later he was going
around the world to the left.

You ever have somebody behind you whose
brights are on?

Isn't that fun? Someone behind you whose
brights are on.

Someone who just had his headlights
aimed and wants to show you what a

job the mechanic did.

You know how you take care of those
people, don't you? Slam on the brakes,

them plow right into you, man.

Sure put some fucking lights out in a
big hurry, I'll tell you that.

Let him find his way home, you know what
I mean? He got out, he can get home.

Another kind of person you don't want to
get behind is anybody...

Boy, that's really good for your
arteries you get behind somebody

There

are

two classes of human beings to avoid in
this category The first one is any woman

whose head you can't see in the car at
all

Any four -foot woman in a Cadillac is
certain death.

I pull over and take public
transportation myself.

I'm not fucking with a ghost car, you
know.

Let someone else flag down the Flying
Dutchman, it's not my job.

You say, well, maybe it's just coasting.

No, I see knuckles.

It's definitely not a robot car.

And the other type of person, I want to
keep these books in balance, the other

type of person whom you don't want to
get anywhere near, much less behind, any

man over 70 wearing a hat.

Especially a checkered hat with ear
laps.

In August.

Because you know you get pissed, even if
you think you're a pretty cool

customer.

You know you get pissed sometimes?

Don't you wish sometimes instead of
having those cute little lights in the

of your car, you had .50 caliber machine
guns mounted up there?

I'd cream this cocksucker if I had real
ammunition, Mark.

Or you wish you had a rented car for
just half an hour.

So you could bash this asshole and pay
the $50 deductible and be done with him,

you know what I mean?

Just trying to ease them up into second
gear.

Or you wish you had a message board that
would come up out of the trunk of

your car and you could type in any
message you like.

You drive like old people fuck.

Slow and sloppy.

You ever been driving through heavy
downtown kind of traffic? You know,

block, street to street, busy area. Not
freeway, but street to street. People

backing out at five o 'clock.

busy stuff maybe it's winter and it's
dark already and it's raining a little

got the window open you can hear the
rain you can hear the traffic people

bumping into each other got the radio on
got the windshield wipers going so

everything's happening at once radio
windshield rain traffic everything going

you're just trying to get across town
and take care of something you know and

you get over there and park the car turn
off the key and go inside take care of

the business and you come out and you
turn on the key and the goddamn radio is

this loud

possibly have been listening to that?

You know I believe someone broke into
this car and tampered with my volume

control.

And that's the only thing they touched.

Here's something you'll be doing
tonight. This is one you do all the

you get in the car, you're committed to
do this following thing.

Over and over.

When you're driving, you have to decide
which car to get behind at the red

light.

There's a block to go. There are three
lanes to choose from. It's completely up

to you to decide who's the really fast
asshole in this group up ahead.

Just a couple of things to remind you
before I tow this trusty little thing

to the garage.

A couple of things that go without
saying, that's why I'm going to say

First of all, when you're driving, let's
all keep in mind, when you're driving

and you come to the scene of an
accident, for God's sake, slow down and

find out what's going on.

And if you can't see enough, ask the
policeman to bring the bodies over a

closer to your car.

Would you bring him over here? My wife
has never seen a man shaped in quite

manner.

That's what they're here for, to
protect, to serve, and to bring the

a little closer.

And the other thing which we've all
heard a million times, but it bears

repeating, drinking and driving simply
do not mix. So do your drinking early

get it out of the way, and then go
driving.

See you. Thank you. Whoa.

A little toe job.

Thank you.

Okay. Thanks, man.

Yeah, all right.

Sure.

Scientists in Switzerland announced
today they have been able to make mice

by holding them upside down and tapping
them on the stomach with a ballpoint

pen.

Tragedy struck the parade today as an
open manhole claimed the lives of 1 ,100

marchers, one at a time.

The Food and Drug Administration
announced this week the following

information. Bologna causes night
blindness.

Tutti Frutti ice cream causes
homosexuality.

And chicken a la Provencal with truffles
and white wine causes brain damage.

A man has... barricaded himself inside
of his house. However, he is not

armed and no one is paying any attention
to him.

A man who was shot in the chest nine
times yesterday and refused

treatment died today.

Here's a human interest story about
man's best friend. It seems that 63

-old James Driscoll was asleep last week
in his downtown hotel room. He awakened

to the sound of a dog barking.

When he woke, the room was full of smoke
and he could not see. The dog led him

out of the room, down the hall, and into
an elevator shaft where he plunged

eight stories to his death.

Seems it wasn't his dog.

The results of the blind person's golf
tournament have just come in. The winner

was Johnny Downing with 1 ,829 strokes,
just enough to beat Larry Powell, who

lost any chance he might have had when
he took a 312 on the final hole.

The Nobel Prize in Mathematics has been
awarded to a California professor who

has discovered a new number. The number
is bleen, which he claims belongs

between six and seven.

A priest who has performed over 300
exorcisms was eaten today by a green

boogeyman.

In northern Montana today, a woman was
severely injured when she attempted to

force breastfeed a wild boar.

This morning on a busy downtown street
corner, a dog exploded.

No one was killed, however, 12 people
were overcome by fur.

Police estimate that 50 to 60 pleas also
lost their lives in the blast.

Let me ask you a personal question.

Have you ever been making out with
someone and one of you has a snot that's

whistling?

Well,

first you've got to find out who it is,
you know.

Then you got to figure out which side
it's on.

Do you ever have a hatchet go right
through your face?

You know, I'm talking about a good shot.

And it's strange. It's the funniest
feeling because just after the hatchet

in, before you feel any pain, you feel
this blast of cool air in the middle of

your brain.

I love that. It feels so good.

That's the only way I can attain it, and
so I try not to get too hung up on it.

Something I think about quite often is
the rain dance.

If they do a rain dance, wouldn't you
have to do rain dance practice first?

Wouldn't that come first? Wouldn't you
have to have practice?

I mean, some guys would have forgotten.

Some guys didn't know it. Some guys
didn't pay attention last year. You

you've got to have rain dance practice.
And what I'm wondering is, if you have

rain dance practice, does it rain during
practice?

And if it doesn't, how do you know if
you have it right?

And if it does, why bother with the
goddamn dance in the first place?

Why not, you know, need a little water?
Call practice.

These are the kind of things I think of
when I'm home alone and the television

is broken.

You know the best thing about living
right on the seashore?

You only have assholes on three sides of
you.

And if they come from that direction,
you can hear them splash.

Well, I use that word a lot.

Asshole.

So do lots of people, you know. Asshole.
You asshole.

This guy's an asshole.

Are you kidding with this asshole over
here?

What an asshole.

What do these assholes think they're
doing anyway?

Well, it's a great external target for
you. It's a great way to express

yourself. This guy an asshole, that one.
And I've been calling assholes a lot of

years, you know.

And I've noticed one thing.

The amount of an asshole a person is is
directly proportional to the distance

they are away from you at the time you
discover this flaw.

Someone on TV is really an asshole.

Someone in a car is pretty much of an
asshole.

Someone standing right next to you
online, the guy's a real asshole, man.

The closer they are, the nicer they get,
you know.

You ever been talking to someone and a
little bit of spit flies off your tongue

and lands right on the man's nose?

And you say, Jesus, didn't he see that?

Then you think, well, maybe he's just a
really cool guy.

He saw it, but he figures it'll
evaporate.

He's a science teacher.

Talk about little embarrassments.

Did you ever go into the doctor's office
waiting room, and you sit down, and it

turns out to be one of those cushions
that sounds like you farted?

Don't you stand up right away?

And then do it three times in a row?

So they'll all know it wasn't you.

Hey, not me.

Cushion sounds like a fart.

No smell, just a cushion. Hey, let's not
tell the next guy who comes in.

Or your stomach begins a conversation
with you.

Always in a quiet situation, isn't it?

Always in a quiet setting.

Never has anything to say when I'm out
at the rifle range.

But you let me get into the dentist's
office waiting room. Everyone is quiet.

Everyone is in pain.

And everyone is reading.

And I'm looking through a copy of Molar
World myself.

And my stomach thinks it's showtime.

And starts in with little things like...

Don't

you cough and try to drown it out.

Make a lot of noise with a magazine.

Push on your stomach and hope the noise
will go back near your kidneys.

Then it goes... Then

it

starts in with complete sentences.

We have no money for food.

We're poor.

Don't listen to my stomach. It doesn't
know what it's talking about.

And you're just trying to get through
the day.

But little things await you. Little
moments you have to deal with.

Do you ever start to belch and then
almost puke?

It's like a medical emergency.

I said, Jesus, I almost puked.

Turns out it was a belch, but puke was
involved.

This was a semi -puke -related belch
incident.

God, it's an awful feeling, you know.

Not just the taste, which is bad enough,
but the whole idea.

Just the idea of the thing that bothers
me. You know, I don't know whether I'm

almost sick or not.

I think, geez, maybe I'm almost sick.

Perhaps I shouldn't go out under these
circumstances.

You know, you wouldn't want to get out
and be outdoors somewhere and get sick

some stranger.

Better to stay home and get sick on
people you love.

Because nobody likes to get sick. You
know, if being sick were fun, shit, I'd

sick all the time myself.

You'd have parties for it. People would
say, hey, come on over to the house.

We're all going to get sick.

You never hear that. It's no fun.

But fortunately, for us, we don't get
sick right away, all of a sudden. You

know, it doesn't happen out of the blue
that suddenly you're sick.

You're not walking along the street and
then...

Doesn't

happen like that.

Usually, before you get sick, there's a
little period of time when you...

Don't feel good.

And that does come first, doesn't it?

Say, what's the matter with you?

What, are you sick?

No.

I just don't feel good.

I don't know what it is, you know?

Because I'm not sick.

But I don't feel right.

I feel like...

I feel like I could get sick if I really
wanted, you know.

But I don't want to, and I hope I don't.

Well, that's what he says now, that he
doesn't want to get sick. You check that

same guy in a half an hour, and you know
what he'll be saying?

Jeez, I wish I would get sick and get it
over with, man.

Finally, you just want to get it over
with, don't you? Because almost being

is worse than actually being sick.

After all, once you're sick, shit,
you're sick now.

Everything's different once you're sick.
People treat you nice once you're sick.

You don't feel good. You're just a big
pain in the ass.

People treat you nice once they know
you're officially sick.

Hey, most places have a different
attitude if you're sick. Your city, the

you live, a whole different attitude.

Most places have a sanitary code. If you
spit on the sidewalk, it's a $50 fine.

Vomiting is free.

Well, how did they arrive at that price
schedule?

Wouldn't it seem to you like the bigger
the mess, the bigger the fine?

Hey, look at this guy here. $1 ,500 he.

Hey, leave the guy alone. Can't you see
the guy is sick?

Go ahead, buddy. It's on the house.

Actually, it's on your trousers.

And they say you threw up.

Check your shoes. Looks like you threw
down.

That's one of them phrases doesn't
really mean what it says. You know God

don't throw up if anything you throw out
If you threw up you'd have to get out

of the way

Being

sick doesn't even sound very good. I
mean that the sound of the word is bad

enough sick.

I'm sick Excuse me. I'm sick

If you ever want to clear a path in a
crowd, that's the way you do it.

Excuse me, I'm sick.

Cripples will get out of your way. You
can

be out of the football stadium in 10
seconds

with one good loud, excuse me, I'm sick.

They'll clear a path to your home.

Because don't nobody want no vomit on
his pennant.

Well, I'd like to do something called
baseball and football.

Thank you.

That's nice.

Because these two things are such a part
of our lives, these two activities, and

yet they're so different.

Baseball is pastoral, 19th century.

Football is technological, 20th century.

Baseball is played on a diamond in a
park.

The baseball park.

Football is played on a gridiron in a
stadium.

War Memorial Stadium.

In baseball, you wear a cap.

In football, you wear a helmet.

Baseball has a seventh -inning stretch.

Football has a two -minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit. We don't
know how long it's going to last. We

have extra innings.

Football is rigidly timed and it will
end even if we have to go to sudden

Football is based on downs.

What down is it?

Baseball is based on ups.

Who's up? Are you up? I'm not up.

In football, you get a penalty.

In baseball, you make an error.

Whoops!

In baseball, in the stands, there's
something of a picnic feeling.

You know, emotions may run high, but
there's not that much unpleasantness.

In football, in the stands, you can be
sure that at least 27 times during the

game you were capable of taking the life
of a fellow human being, preferably a

stranger.

And to sum this up, the object of the
game is quite different. The object of

game in football is for the quarterback.

otherwise known as the field general, to
be on target with his aerial assault,

riddling the defense by hitting his
receivers with deadly accuracy in spite

the blitz, even if he has to use the
shotgun.

With short bullet passes and long bombs,
he marches his troops into enemy

territory, balancing this aerial assault
with a sustained ground attack, which

punches holes in the forward wall of the
enemy's defensive line.

In baseball, the object is to go home.

I'm going home.

I'm going home.

Well, I don't have an ending for that,
but that'll do until one comes along.

know what I mean?

This weekend, sports fans won't want to
miss

Universe of Sport.

More unusual sports from around the
world.

From Turkey.

Team wrestling with knives.

From Fran, nude weightlifting.

From Norway, a look at a largely
forgotten sport, underwater tobogganing.

an elevator shaft in New York City,
men's vertical frisbee.

From a nursing home in Oklahoma,
demolition walker.

From Texas, off -water boating.

And finally, the newest X -rated sport
from California, roller fucking.

Here's a cheer, a sports cheer you can
use. I'm giving this to you. Maybe

heard it, but it's a gift for you. And
you can use this in any sport. I think

football more, you know, appropriate for
cheers, I think. But you could use this

for any sport.

Intramural lacrosse, mud surfing, cross
-country bowling.

Full contact chess.

Australian dick wrestling.

They have that on ESPN, you know.

But here's a little cheer, and a lot of
people like it. It goes like this.

Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat. 69
assholes tied in a knot.

Hooray! Lizard shit, fuck!

I'm going to do that again because I
know some of you like to memorize these

things.

And by the way, if you're memorizing and
there are two people in your party, why

not each one of you memorize every other
word?

Kind of cuts the labor right in there.

Goes like this.

Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat.

Perfectly normal way to begin a cheer as
far as I'm concerned.

69 assholes tied in a knot.

I don't know what that means either.

Hooray! lizard shit. Fuck!

Thank you very much.

Thank you all.

Thank you.

See you later.

I

don't know about

that kid.

Ah, to hell with it.

Silent film star Mark Dunbar died today
in Hollywood. He had no last words.

However, he did make several gestures.