All language subtitles for Disc 05 - Carlin At Carnegie (1982)

Everybody's heard the old joke, how do
you get to Carnegie Hall?

Practice, man, practice.

Well, like most people, I did all my
practicing at home, in my own

I grew up on the Upper West Side of New
York City.

General Grant was one of my neighbors.

I had a lot of fun in my neighborhood. I
did a lot of practicing.

Sooner or later, I just wanted to get
downtown, show what I could do.

And I had to find out how to get there.

In New York City, if you don't know how
to get somewhere, all you got to do is

ask somebody.

They'll tell you, even if they don't
know.

Hey, tell me something.

You got a second?

Uh -huh. How do you get to Carnegie
Hall?

I don't know. I'm not going to tell you.
I'm not even going to tell you. Yeah?

You're from around here? Yeah, I live
right there.

I don't even know where I am now. How
the hell do I tell you how to get to

Carnegie Hall?

How do you get to Carnegie Hall?

From here?

Well, no.

From the moon.

Take the bus up on the corner, down to
57th Street. Get up there.

Black Walk.

Can I take the subway here? Got a gun
for me?

Take the plane?

Take the plane?

The 59 -speed plane?

Well, that depends on which way you want
to go.

Well, all I can say, you can take a car
down there.

Take the bus and leave me right in front
of there.

Okay. I don't know the number, but I'll
get there.

Jump on the cab.

Tell the man to take you downtown.

If you ain't got no bread, just jump
out.

How you get there? Yeah.

Well, if you don't have a car, you use a
subway.

And then if you don't have money, you
hop the stairs off.

You hop the stairs off. Then if you're
for real, you go to court.

As you can see, not everybody agrees on
how to get there.

Now, when I was a kid, if you wanted to
get somewhere, you had to take whatever

ride was available.

I believe my ride has just arrived.

I love her.

Thank you.

Thanks a lot.

Have you noticed that most of the women
who are against abortion are women that

you wouldn't want to fuck in the first
place?

Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen. Good evening. My name is

Carlin, and I am a professional
comedian, as opposed to the kind you run

work all day long.

It's nice being a comedian. There are
certain advantages, naturally.

And a few disadvantages. There are some
drawbacks to being a comedian.

No one on death row has ever said,
Before I die, I want to talk to a

You ever hear anyone at the scene of an
accident say, Quick, call a comedian,

for God's sakes!

But it would be kind of fun at an
accident to push your way through the

and say, may I be of help? I'm a
professional comedian.

And sooner or later, at least once in
your life, when the policeman says to

what are you, a comedian?

You've got to look him right in the eye
and say, actually, yes.

Even though criminals have no respect
for comedians, what do they say first

thing they do when they hold you up?
Don't try anything funny.

First one makes a funny move, gets it.

Whenever they're not looking, I go.

Well, that's my job, thinking up goofy
shit.

Thinking up goofy shit, coming around
every now and then, letting you know

it is.

Or reminding you of things you already
know, but forgot to laugh at the first

time they happened.

We all have things like that. You hear
it during the day and then you don't

remember it at all. For instance, I've
noticed they have disposable douche. And

I'm wondering, who would want to keep it
in the first place?

But I have some notes over here.

And the reason for that is I haven't
been doing this lately. I want to make

I know and remember everything tonight.

I've been taking a little time off. I
get about six months, I think. I took

three of them quite voluntarily and the
other three quite against my will.

I had a heart attack.

Or as they say in Boston, I had a hat
attack.

He had a hat attack. You hear about
George?

He had a goddamn myocardial infarction.

I had a heart attack.

Fortunately, my pharmacist, my
cardiologist, and my doctor give me CPR.

But I would like to bring you up to date
on the Comedian's Health Sweepstakes.

As it stands right now, I lead Richard
Pryor in heart attacks two to one.

However, Richard still leads me, one to
nothing, on burning yourself up.

Well, the way it happened was, first
Richard had a heart attack.

Then I had a heart attack.

Then Richard burned himself up.

Then I said, fuck that, I'm going to
have another heart attack.

I had an interesting morning.

Got into an argument.

Got into an argument with my Rice
Krispies.

I distinctly heard snap, crackle, fuck
him.

I don't know which one of them said it.

I was reaching for the artificial
sweetener and was not looking directly

the bowl.

But I told him, I said, well, you can
all just sit right there in the milk.

As far as I'm concerned, you can sit in
the milk.

Until I find out which one of you said
that.

A little mass punishment for my
breakfast food.

The idea is to turn them against one
another.

Just sit in the milk.

As far as I'm concerned.

Silly me.

Big punishment. That's what they do
anyway.

Sit in the milk.

That's their job.

That's Rice Krispies' job. Sitting in
the milk.

You've seen them, haven't you?

Float along.

Little beige blisters of air.

Riding proudly in the milk.

And you can't see them. They float for a
long time.

You know why? They stay together.

They gather together in little groups.

Little groups of 8, 10, 12, sometimes
14, but always an even number if you've

noticed.

It's the polarity of the crispy that
attracts them.

They form little colonies of Rice
Krispies.

You can't sink them. You try to sink
them with a spoon, they come up over the

sides.

If you can't sink them, that's what the
fruit is for.

Sinking the Rice Krispies.

Good -sized peach will take down 80 or
90 of them.

If I'm really pissed, I'll drop a
watermelon on them.

What I say interesting about my morning,
because it was, you know, I don't have

a nice day anymore.

I don't bother much with that.

I think I'm beyond that now. I think
I've outgrown the nice day.

I think I've had my share.

Why should I be hogging all the really
nice ones?

Let somebody else have a few.

Of course, everybody still wants me to
have one.

Everybody wants me to have a nice day.

Have a nice day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to give me my fucking change,
please?

I'm Triple Pot.

Some of them are really insistent. I
said have a nice day!

All right, all right, God damn it, all
right, I'll give it a shot.

That's the trouble with have a nice day.
It puts all the pressure on you.

Now you've got to go out and somehow
manage to have a good time.

All because of some loose -lipped
cashier.

Have a nice day.

Maybe I don't feel like having a nice
day.

Maybe, just maybe, I've had 116 nice
days in a row.

And I'm ready, by God, for a crappy day.

I'll never hear that. Let him wish one
of them. Hey, have a crappy day.

Thank you, and to your wonderful family
as well.

A crappy day? Hey, that'd be easy.
There's no trouble at all. A crappy day?

Just get up.

There's no planning involved for a
crappy day.

I know what it is that bothers me about
that whole thing. It's the word nice.

It's just a weak word. It doesn't have a
lot of character, you know. Nice.

Isn't he nice?

care for that, you know?

It's like fine.

There's another word. How are you? Fine.

Bullshit!

Nobody's fine.

Hair is fine.

How's your hair?

Fine.

That makes a lot more sense to me.

Some guys are great.

You ever meet those guys? Great.

Isn't this great?

God damn, this is great.

Look, they're going to kill that guy.
Isn't that great?

That's great.

No, not me. I'm not nice. I'm not fine.

I'm not great.

People ask me how I am. I say I'm fairly
decent.

I don't give them any superlatives,
nothing to gossip about.

Relatively okay.

Sometimes I'll say, I'm moderately
neato.

If I'm in a particularly jaunty mood,
I'll say, I'm not unwell, thank you.

That pisses them off because they have
to figure that one out for themselves.

So... It reminds me of something my
first grade teacher used to say to me.

A little lady.

She used to say, you show me a tropical
fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker

from Guatemala.

Now that was someone else. That was
someone else.

That was someone I met in the army.

Always confused them. I don't know what
it is.

Ever been looking through the
refrigerator and come across an empty

Starts me to wondering, did something
eat something else?

Maybe the olives

ate the peas.

Maybe that chicken isn't really dead.

He's grazing on my stuff.

Actually, I picture a little mouse with
gloves and a parka on, you know.

Just waiting for the lights to go out so
he can get back to work.

I guess the worst thing that can happen
cleaning out or looking through the

refrigerator is to come across something
that you

cannot identify at all.

You literally do not know what it is.

Could be meat.

Could be cake.

Usually at a time like that, I'll bluff.

Honey, is this good?

Well, what is it?

I don't know.

I've never seen anything like it.

It looks like meat cake.

Well, smell it.

Actually, it has no smell whatsoever.

It's good.

up in something.

That's what frightens me.

I was what they called a fussy eater.

He's fussy.

He's a fussy eater.

Fussy eater is a euphemism for big pain
in the ass.

I mean, if I didn't like something, I
told them.

I didn't play with my food. Pick at my
food. I said, I don't like that.

You make this?

I don't like it.

Why?

They wanted reasons.

Well, you don't always have a reason.

I don't know.

I know I don't like it.

And I know that if I ate it, I would
like it even less.

You like it?

You eat it.

Try to corner me with logic.

How do you know you don't like it if

you've never even tried?

It came to me in a dream.

He came in the ass.

Some things I didn't like just because
of the sound of the food.

To this day, I can still not eat...
Yogurt.

Yogurt, yogurt.

It sounds like it's coming up again.

Yogurt, yogurt.

I can't eat anything with a Y and a G in
it.

Something else that doesn't sound so
good.

Squash!

You want some squash?

Somebody sat on my dinner.

Suck -a -tache.

Want some suck -a -tache? What'd you
call me, you fuck? Look out. Hey, look

Hey,

fucking cool out.

Hey, there's fucking a lot of beans and
corn. Cool out.

Cool out.

We turned.

Even something like eggplant.

Well, which one is it anyway?

Tell it to make up its mind and then
come on back.

Terrible sounding food.

Head cheese.

Between head cheese and blood tongue, I
may never eat again.

It certainly won't be at the deli.

Then there are some foods that sound too
humorous to eat.

Did you ever hear of something too funny
to eat?

Guacamole.

That sounds like something you wear to a
dance.

May I borrow your green guacamole?

Garbanzo.

Don't you want some Gabonzos?

That sounds like a circus act. Ladies
and gentlemen, the Gabonzos.

And the funniest food of all time,
kumquats.

I don't even bring them home anymore.

It's good waste.

Some things don't look right. I don't
like that, Ma.

Don't look right to me.

Did you make that?

Is there a picture of it in the
cookbook?

I bet it don't look like that.

Let's face it, be honest. Some things
don't look right.

Of course, some people eat anything.

I know that. Some guys eat anything. I
saw those guys in the army on the chow

line. What's this? Never mind. Give me a
whole lot of...

That's rat's asshole done.

Well, it certainly makes a hell of a
fondue.

Oh, look, I don't eat anything I don't
recognize immediately.

If I have to ask questions, fuck it, I
pass.

Tomatoes don't look right either. On the
outside, they're fine.

Tomatoes look lovely on the outside, but
you look inside a tomato and something

is wrong.

Something has gone afoul inside of a
tomato.

It doesn't look right, you know? It
doesn't look like it's finished yet, for

thing. It looks like it's in the larval
stage or something.

It's thousands of seeds and a whole
bunch of jelly -looking stuff.

Get it off my plate!

It's gushy. It's like that stuff at the
end of an egg.

And I know it's not the end of an egg.
It's the beginning of a chicken.

His hen comes.

It don't look right.

Something else that doesn't look like
food.

Lobsters and crabs.

I mean, anything coming at me.

Walking sideways with big pinchers
somehow doesn't make me hungry.

In fact, my instinct is... Step on that
fuck!

Look at the big bug! Step on the big
bug!

Before he gets to the children.

They look like they mean business.

Can't order frog's legs.

In a restaurant, I keep wondering, what
did they do with the rest of the frog?

What did they do? Did they give them
little dollies and send them back out

the world?

Try.

Try to return them to a normal life if
you can.

Trouble is, the Dollies for Froggies
program has been cut in half.

You've probably seen the last froggy
dolly for a long, long time.

I'd rather eat a box of cookies.

It does not always come in handy. Just
eat a goddamn box of cookies. You ever

that? A whole box of cookies right in a
row. I don't mean take them out. I mean

eat them in the kitchen. Standing right
in the kitchen, eat a whole goddamn box

of cookies.

Just stare at the electric clock while
you're eating those cookies.

You ever notice right on the cookies it
says, open here?

What the fuck do they think you're going
to do? Move to Hong Kong to open up

their cookies?

If you're going to open them here, are
you going to eat them here?

You almost have to open them here.

Thank God it doesn't say open somewhere
else.

Shoot, I'd be up all night trying to
find a good location.

I've got a little news for you. Let's
take a look at the news tonight, see

what's going on.

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is some of
the news. The U .S. Army announced today

that it was true that during the first
part of the 1960s, they had performed

tests on human beings, which destroyed
their minds.

However, they have claimed that none of
the victims has been promoted beyond the

rank of lieutenant colonel.

A man who was attempting to walk around
the world drowned today.

26 people were killed today when two
funeral processions crashed into one

another.

Police say the casualty list does not
include the two men who were already

Another first for County Hospital as a
woman has checked in to have her tits

reversed.

When asked why she was having it done,
she said that her left tit was her

favorite and she wants it on her right
side where her left -handed husband can

reach it easily.

ASPCA announced today that they have
filed a criminal complaint against a man

who is keeping tropical fish in a moving
blender.

The man says it is true, but that he
never turns the blender above mix.

ASPCA claims he's had it up to whip and
puree several times.

A passenger shot six people on the
downtown bus today, then asked for a

and shot six people on the Crosstown
bus.

In order to prevent this happening in
the future, authorities are

the transfer system.

Here are the results of the blind
person's golf tournament.

They've just come in. The winner was
Johnny Downing with 1 ,829 strokes.

Just enough to beat Larry Powell, who
lost any chance he might have had when

took a 312 on the final hole.

A 65 -year -old woman who was trotting
backwards from Winnipeg to Rio was

today when she was hit by a truck head
-on from the rear.

A small town in Tennessee just downwind
from a nuclear plant believes it may

have received some radiation.

Everyone is dead and the trees are
humming.

Although the Internal Revenue Service
has begun to crack down on businessmen

the three -martini lunch, they will not
bother the working man and the two

-joint coffee break.

who circled the world in a hot air
balloon died today when he stepped out

balloon to admire it from a distance.

A spokesman for the Reagan
administration has said that many dead

really only sick and trying to collect
illegal death benefits.

On the lighter side of the news, a
couple who was celebrating their 90th

anniversary died of shock today at the
beginning of a surprise party.

wind up the news tonight and there's so
often so much death and tragedy. A man

in Texas was arrested today for shooting
and killing his wife, son, two

daughters, his mother and father, all
four of his grandparents, his dog, his

mailman, three neighbors and a woman who
works at the filling station.

He claims he was just cleaning his gun
when it suddenly went off.

Have you noticed that you never seem to
get laid on Thanksgiving?

I think it's because all the coats are
on the bed.

Do you realize that the Mexican

hat dance was written by two
individuals?

A lot of folks don't know that. The
first guy wrote... And the second guy

wrote...

If it weren't for the second guy,
Mexican hat dance would have gone...

They

were so happy with what they discovered
that they went out to celebrate, and

they met another guy, and he went...

This

is the musical portion of our show.

You know what bothers me?

You know what bothers me? Is that me?
Yes, it is. You know what bothers me?

I can never find out the rest of the
words to Tararabumdie.

Everybody knows Tararabumdie.

I did find them out. Someone sent them
to me.

Tararabumdie, did you get yours today?

I got mine yesterday.

That's why I walk this way.

You know how you can tell when a moth
farts?

He flies in a straight line.

Do

you

realize that somewhere in the world is
the worst doctor?

Process of elimination.

Sooner or later, you're going to find
the worst doctor.

And the weird part is that someone has
an appointment to see him tomorrow.

I know you've been trying to butter me
up. Don't do me up.

Yes, in goddamn deed.

I love that dog.

I've never seen him, and I love him.

He's going to be wonderful when I meet
that dog.

Hey, you want a dog?

You want a goddamn dog?

Go ahead, man. You can have a dog.

I got three of them, man.

You want a fucking dog?

Grab it, man. It's yours.

Lots of people got lots of goddamn
doggies. And you don't even have to have

to learn about doggies. Your friend
might have a dog.

It could be your friend's dog.

He makes you him. That makes him your
dog friend.

You go to visit your friends. This dog
is in. You can pet him, too. Hi. Hello.

How are you? Sneeze. You're wonderful.
Hello. Goddamn. And for that moment,

your dog.

So you can have someone else's dog for a
while. Hi. He likes me. I think, oh, my

God. Look at this doggy here.

Goddamn doggy. There's lots of things to
know about him, too. Lots of things you

learn. You don't know where always, and
you can't remember.

Francis, can you remember the first time
you found out that by scratching a dog

here, you could make this leg go like
that?

And that you could make it stop?

When you stop.

God damn.

I'm in complete control of this dog.

Well, that you can make their head tilt
from across the room just by making a

funny noise.

You go.

And he goes.

So he stays like that.

Well, you can get their heads done.

Cost you a bundle.

And they don't like it.

Makes them move to the same side all the
time.

Cute little goddamn doggy. Do you ever
eat candy right in front of your dog?

I don't mean a Milky Way. I mean one -at
-a -time candy like M &M's.

And you watch where he's looking. He's
following your fingertips.

This asshole drops one jujubee, and I'm
going for his femoral artery.

Do you ever spell in front of your dog?

Some of them are smart.

You've got to spell.

Honey, do we have any more B -O -N -E
-S?

They know the sound of B alone.

Take it easy.

Well, there's all kinds of dogs and all
sizes of dogs, too. There's a lot of

goddamn big dogs. You know, big dogs, I
don't mean big.

I don't mean a big dog. I mean a fucking
big dog.

Some people have got goddamn big
doggies.

Look like they ought to have commercial
license plate on them.

Livestock dogs.

What the hell is that?

That's my dog.

He blocked out the sun!

That's tiny.

Little dog's different. Little dog will
get around and do fine. He'll jump all

he wants. I don't know how they jump so
high. They got little teeny legs like

this?

They got legs. If you feel a little
dog's leg, it feels like a beef jerky in

there, man.

They can jump up on the bed all they
want to.

Holy God, do that again.

Oh, man, one more time.

I make him keep doing it until he can't
reach anymore.

Then if I want him up there, I'll put
him up there.

And sooner or later, what's going to
happen with the little dog?

Sooner or later, lying on the bed, he's
going to create an incident.

He's going to make one of you humans
turn to the other and say, Honey,

did you fart?

Not me.

I thought you farted.

Not me.

That's not even one of my farts.

I've got four farts, and that's not one
of mine.

I've got my Heineken's fart.

I've got my broccoli fart.

My rice pudding fart.

And my non -dairy creamer fart.

That's not one of my thoughts.

I know.

The dog farted.

Tippi!

Hi, Steve.

Well, I happen to be looking at his
asshole by chance.

What kind of a question is that?

I thought he was doing them deep
breathing exercises.

These dogs have nothing to do.

There's no job description for a dog.

They're forced to wait for something to
happen that they can get in on.

If you do something, they'll be glad to
join you.

But they rarely initiate any activity on
their own.

They're just waiting.

Waiting. Waiting and waiting and
waiting.

Waiting to come in, waiting to go out,
waiting to eat, waiting to crap, waiting

to wake up, waiting to sleep, waiting to
go upstairs, waiting to go downstairs.

Sometimes they're just waiting to wait.

You ever seen a dog just standing there?

He don't know what he's waiting for.

But if it happens, he'll be ready.

Just a -waiting and a -waiting.

Waiting for you to come home.

They don't understand time.

Dog doesn't know the difference between
an hour and a half or next week.

He thinks you're going to be gone
forever.

That's the only time period dogs really
understand. Forever.

That's how long they think everything
lasts.

That's how long they think everything
takes.

Forever and ever.

Do you ever scratch your dog behind the
ears? Oh boy, they love that, huh? Oh

boy, you scratch your dog behind the
ears and he really loves that. And you

at him and everything. And when you
finally stop, he looks at you like

criminal.

He thought it was going to go on and on
and on.

Same thing when you feed them. Soon as
they get finished, they say, where the

fuck's the food?

They thought it was the loaves and the
fishes. It was going to last forever and

ever.

Dog don't know.

They must think we're going to be gone
forever. Otherwise, why would they act

the way they do when we finally get
home? Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,

oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh,
boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. I

thought you were never going to come
home. I thought you were never going to

come home. I thought you were never
going to come home. I thought you were

going to come home. I didn't know what
to do. You know what? I didn't know how

to operate the can opener. How do you
operate the can opener? I didn't know

to do, man. What, do you push it down? I
couldn't think of it. You know what?

You know what I did? I took a can of dog
food and I rolled it down the hill and

hope a truck ran with all of it. That's
all I can say about it, man.

You even just forgot your hat.

You come back in eight seconds. Oh, boy,
oh, boy. I thought you were never going

to come home. I was going to eat your
bird. I couldn't find the bird. Where

fuck's the bird? Where did you leave the
bird?

Will you stop? I was just here.

God, they get you mad sometimes.

Don't they?

You ever get mad at your dog?

And you feel really dumb when you get
all the way to work and you're still

pissed at your pet.

What's the matter, Dan?

Well, the dog. God damn it. Never mind.

He chewed the legs off everything.

Okay, I see a lunch.

Dog don't care. He'll do whatever's
next.

He don't know what's next, but he'll do
something.

He'll do two things in a row that don't
go together.

You ever seen a dog walking through a
room and suddenly he stops and chews his

back for 18 minutes?

he's finished chewing, as if it were
scheduled for right then.

And when he's finished, he doesn't even
know where it was he was going to go.

Where was I going to go?

Oh, shit. Oh, I think I'll go over here.

Oh, this is nice over here.

I think I'll keep coming over here.

He don't know. He don't care.

Dog don't care.

Like I say, he'll do anything.

He might embarrass you.

He might do something inappropriate when
you have company.

You might have some folks in visiting
you.

Some of them you don't know that well.

Trying to impress a couple of them. Hey,
you might be trying to borrow money off

one of these studs.

Dogs lying out there in the living room.
You got all these people sitting

around. You got little chip, little dip
dogs in full view of everyone.

Got carrot sticks, celery sticks, little
lady fingers, finger ladies, all sorts

of little things that you got.

And everybody's eating nicely.

And you look down and you realize that
the dog is licking his balls.

No one says

anything.

No one mentions it.

Spectacular thing going on.

Hey, if I could reach, I'd never leave
the house.

Poor little guy, he didn't mean it.

He didn't mean it.

He'll apologize to you.

He'll come around a few hours later and
apologize.

He'll give you that doggy look.

Give you them eyes, you know. They have
such a great expression.

Almost human. Sometimes we say that,
isn't he? Look, he looks almost human,

They do, you know. They look like they
know something about your mother.

I'm not willing to mention it right
away.

They're just looking at you like they've
got a trade problem they can't quite

solve.

There's a sad look in their eyes.

All the sadness in the world is right in
the eyes of a dog.

Did you ever do this? Look right into
your doggy's eyes and think of something

really sad.

And it'll look like it's happening to
your dog.

Strangest thing.

It'll look at you like that.

You know why they have so successful a
look?

Because they got eyebrows.

Dogs have eyebrows.

Or at least little ridges that pass for
eyebrows.

They got little things that they can
manipulate.

Just like we do.

Oh, please.

Please, Daddy.

One more treat.

Cats can't look at you like that.

Cats don't look at that. Cats look at
you coldly as if they're testing new

The reason cats look different, cats
don't have eyebrows.

Cats have a bunch of shit sticking out
of their head.

They thought it was going to be an
eyebrow, but it didn't work out.

Let's not tell them. They think it's an
eyebrow.

It's just a bunch of shit sticking out
of their head.

Cats are all different.

They do everything different than a
doggie.

Cats are cute.

Cats are goddamn cute.

Isn't he cute? Look at him. God, he's
cute.

He's a kitty cat.

That's how cute they are. They needed
two names.

Kitty wasn't cute enough. Kitty cat.

Isn't he cute? The kitty cat. Look at
him. Isn't he cute? Let's drown him.

He's a little goddamn kitty cat. Hey,
look.

Stick him on the wall. See if he hangs
up there. Whoa!

goddamn cute.

When they're teeny, I hope he stays that
size forever. He's darling.

Isn't he wonderful? Cute little goddamn
kitty cat. They can jump any way they

want. When they're teeny, they can jump
straight up in the air without a run.

They just go They can even jump
backwards to the side.

How'd he do that? Holy shit. They can do
anything.

Jump and be cute as can be. Cute a
goddamn kitty cat. Isn't he cute? God, I

them. They're so cute. They're even cute
when they kill.

Isn't he lucky he's playing with the
mouse?

Bullshit.

Mouse doesn't feel that way.

They're cute. Oh, he's so precious. Just
tearing the throat right out of that

bird.

Cute as can be. They kill. See, they
like to kill something.

That's what they want to do. That's why
they act so nice.

They want to go, even when they're
teeny, when they're just born.

You take a baby baby that is a human.

You take a baby dog and a baby cat and
you attack all three of them, which I

never to do if I can help it.

But you'll get three different results.

You attack a baby, he cries. You attack
a puppy, he cowers. You attack a kitty

cat, he fights.

One day old, they're looking for some
shit.

They ain't even got their eyes open,
they'll get everything.

Nasty little cute thing.

Cute little nasty guy.

Oh, they're wonderful.

God love them.

They're so physical.

That's what's fun. They're so physical.

They love to rub on you. They love to
rub on you. If you've got a leg and a

you've got to party.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I love this leg. Oh,
boy. I'm rubbing on his leg. Oh, boy.

boy. If you've got two legs, shit,
Jubilee's celebration time.

Oh, boy. Two legs. Hot shit. I can do
the figure eight. They love to do the

figure eight. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
I love to rub on his leg. They'll rub

against your leg even if you're not
there yet.

You might still be 50 feet down the
hall. They see you coming. Oh, boy. Oh,

Oh, boy. Soon I'll be rubbing on his
leg.

Soon. They'll even walk sideways so they
don't miss you. Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

They love it.

They're so physical. You don't have to
pet a cat. You just put your hand over

him and he'll do all the work, man.

You pet him? You ever pet a cat who's
lying absolutely flat? And before you're

halfway finished, his ass is way up in
the air.

Like you pressed the ass button or
something.

Isn't he a cute little... Holy shit!

How did he do that?

Then they jump on your chest and put
their ass right in your face.

Here's my ass, Dad.

Check this ass, huh?

And while they're showing you their ass,
they give you some of this stuff.

Jesus, I hate that.

I don't even know what it is and I don't
like it.

Look like they're into some bad drug.

That's one of the qualities cats have,
which I admire.

Cats don't accept blame.

They don't embarrass at all.

Cat does something dumb, you never know
it by looking at him.

Dog nuts over a lamp.

You can tell who did it just by looking
at the dog.

Not the cat. Cat doesn't accept any
blame. Cat moves along to the next

What's that? Not me. Fuck that. I'm a
cat.

Something break?

Ask the dog.

Cat doesn't get embarrassed.

You ever seen a cat race across a carpet
and crash into a glass door?

I meant that. I meant that. I meant
that.

That's exactly how I wanted that to
look.

Fucking meow.

Fucking meow.

Fucking meow.

That's what they say when they get
behind the couch.

Cat's too proud to let you see him
suffer.

But you look behind the couch and you'll
find your cat recuperating from a

domestic accident.

They got little slings and walkers, you
know.

Tried to make the window from the lamp.

Little kitty cat, goddamn kitty cat.

You realize Hitler only had one ball?

What do you think about a man with one
ball? Do you think he has two strikes

against him?

Maybe he's got one ball and two strikes.

Hitler only had one ball.

A lot of people don't know that.

A lot of people don't know that. They
say, Hitler, geez, he had a lot of

Wow.

Sometime I was trying to get a list of
words together that would...

fairly represent the dirty words because
nobody gives you a list of dirty words

in life. Have you noticed that?

There's some words that are perfectly
clean but sound like they could be

if you gave them just a little help.

A word like pussyfoot.

It's perfectly clean, but when you say
pussyfoot, there's a little giggle.

Of course, people know that with a
little help, this word could be filthy.

No matter what form of the verb you try,
it's clean as a verb.

But pussyfoot could be a noun.

It could be a noun. Pussyfoot.

A rare disorder.

A female birth defect.

Hello, boys.

I have pussyfoot.

God, you sure do, lady.

And I love them open -toed shoes you
have on.

Well, I'd rather have pussyfoot than
woodpecker. I can say that.

Or beer nuts.

God, that must be awful.

Beer nuts.

The official disease of Milwaukee.

I know whenever I see the little
canister behind the bar, I drop in a

dollars for beer nuts.

I think we need a lot more research on
beer nuts or cotton balls.

Which is the dreaded final stage of beer
nuts.

When my beer nuts turn to cotton balls,
I'll be heading home to you.

It's an old southern hymn.

Lots of little phrases like that in the
language that don't quite say what they

mean.

Take a shit is another one.

Take a shit?

You don't take a shit, you leave a shit.

That's the whole idea.

To leave it.

I left a shit. Fine, thank you, Jeff.

I'm going to take a shit. Don't take one
of mine.

I only have two left and the weekend is
coming up.

Why don't you go home and take one of
your own shit?

That guy's always mooching off me.

He must think I made a shit or
something.

Boy, that shit don't grow on trees, you
know.

Well, enough of that shit.

Lots of little phrases like that. Pick
your nose. Well, blow your nose.

Blow your nose is a phrase.

Imagine that.

Blowing your nose.

I don't believe they really mean that,
do you?

You can't blow your nose. I believe it's
physically impossible to blow your

nose.

You might get somebody else to blow your
nose.

But it would have to be a real good
friend.

Cocktails.

Another clean word.

You can advertise them. You can put up
signs all over town.

Cocktail.

As long as you use both halves of the
word, perfectly fine.

But you can't advertise either one of
those two items if you break those words

in half.

They'll come and take your sign down.

Cocktail. It's okay. It depends on how
you say that kind of word. You ladies

like some cocktails?

Hey, lady!

Do you want a cocktail?

Men like to laugh about that cocktail.

Get it? Oh, yeah.

Bangkok.

There's a lovely city.

How would you like to be a hooker in
Bangkok?

It would seem like a natural habitat.

Peacock.

NBC is really proud of their peacock.

You know what a female peacock is?

A peacunt.

My list was just trying to isolate the
words that were always filthy, not the

ones that were sometimes dirty.

And the original list was shit, piss,
fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker,

tits. This was all I could think of in
one sitting.

Just one side.

Well, we had to add tits. We had shit,
piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker,

motherfucker, tits. And then we added
fart, turd, and twat.

Which also don't have other meanings.
You know, twat's twat, and that's that.

After a while, it didn't take long.
Well, it took quite a while. But I

discovered that there are only two words
on the list you really had to deal with

to sort of look at the double standard
that television uses where language is

concerned. The two words were fart and
fuck.

Those are the only two. They seem
similar because you can't say either one

them. You can't say fart and you can't
say fuck.

No matter how cleverly you try to work
them in, no matter how clinical the

conversation is, Fart and fuck will not
show up on the final tape. You simply

cannot say them.

But that's where the similarity ends,
because at least with the word fuck,

though you can't say the word fuck, you
can talk about fucking.

Oh, you can refer to fucking.

There's lots of fuck talk going on on
TV.

They just don't call it fucking. That's
the secret. They don't use that word.

There's plenty of fuck talk. You see
people who wrote a book about fucking.

You'll see a guy on a talk show wrote a
book about fucking. How to fuck, who to

fuck, when to fuck, why to fuck, and how
to feel after you fuck.

This man is a fuck expert, and he wrote
a fuck book, and he's talking to Merv

Griffin about fucking.

And they're getting away with it because
they don't call it fucking.

Same with the soap operas. Everybody,
you take a look at a soap opera, and you

know everybody's fucking somebody on a
soap opera.

And if they're not fucking somebody,
they're trying to fuck somebody.

Will he fuck her? Did he fuck her? Has
he fucked her? Should he fuck her? Can

fuck her? Will they fuck too much? Will
they get silly from fucking? Who's

fucking who? That's all you want to know
is what the fuck is going on on this

program here. You know that somebody is
getting fucked.

And you think it's you.

So there's lots of fuck talking. There's
plenty of fucking on television. They

just don't call it fucking.

They call it everything else.

Now, on the other hand, farts, not only
can you not mention the word fart, but

you can't refer to farts at all.

That's how bad farts are.

They're worse than fucking.

You never hear anybody talking about
farts on TV. You've never seen a guy who

wrote a book on farts.

How to fart, who to fart at, how to feel
after you fart.

There's no fart experts on Merv
Griffin's show. You don't see any farts

references. It's a fart -free zone.

Wouldn't you think after 35 years, one
guy by now would have gone...

Just once,

just once, I'd like to see someone on
the Johnny Carson panel say, Hey, Ed,

down, man.

After a while, I realized that I was
needlessly restricting myself to seven

words and only to the ones that weren't
allowed on TV.

I mean, there were a lot more to be
looked at.

And television isn't the only place that
objects to your language sometimes.

There are lots of situations where
you're not supposed to say that.

So I expanded the list by as many as I
could.

And I'd like to share some with you now.
The list is a little longer than it was

before.

First, we start with the ones we already
know. Shit, piss, fuck, cunt,

cocksucker, motherfucker, tits, fart,
turd, and twat.

Crap, balls, prick, asshole, jack off,
jerk off, scumbag, douchebag, hard on,

rod on, boner, stiff, piss hard, blue
balls, nookie,

coos, gash.

Slash, hole, slit, snatch, box, beaver,
pussy, bearded, clam.

Chism, cum, cream, juice, pecker,
peckerhead, pecker tracks.

Dick, dork, dong, doniker, wang,
schlong, schwanze, pork.

Crabs, ass, butt, hiney, tuckus, bum,
buns, cheek, screw, lay, diddle, plow,

hump, bang, poke, batter, wham, knock
up, bugger, brown, jugs, bazooms,

knockers, knobs, lungs, balloons, dildo,
joystick, hair pie, muff, cornhole,

rim job, blow job, sugar bowl pie, suck
off, give head, sit on my face.

fuck, clap, bleat, 69, 71, which is 69
with two fingers up your ass.

Daisy chain, circle jerk, cock teaser,
wet dream, cunt struck, pussy whipped,

short arm, tuna taco, group grope,
milking the chicken.

Bull Dagger, Gang Bang, Ball Breaker,
Ball Buster, Merkin, Bananas and Cream,

the Old Dirt Road.

Around the World, Beat Your Meat, Whack
Off, Logging Your Dung. Pounding Your

Pud, Beating the Bishop.

Boom Tang.

Dingleberry, Sit On It, Fudge Packer,
Milking the Lizard.

Fart face, old fart, farting around,
fart sniffer, ream, snake, raincoat,

quickie, queer, queen, putz, put out,
push, beef injection, dog style, pop

cookies, bust your nuts, one -eyed
monster, knob, pocket pool, tail,

paddle the pickle, one -man band,
snapper, notch, rod, shaft, stick, piece

ass, goddammit, pimp, fucker, punk,
faggot, dyke, lessee, box lunch,

handjob, hammer, hatch, headjob, hot
nuts, humjob, prong.

Jelly roll, jerk the gherkin.

Lob, meat whistle, cheese, scat fan,
middle leg, wanking, booty, love muscle,

snapping pussy.

Those bitch bastard clamp, bite the
brown, going up mustard road, bone on,

button, cunt lapper, cherry, tool,
dingus, quiff, quim, get off, joint,

stem, root, crack, cooch, crud, eat me,
fuck you, up your ass, get laid, fuck

off, piss off.

This on you. Stick it. Stuff it. Ram it.
Jam it. Tram it. Horny. Peter. The one

-eyed wonderworm.

Piece of ass. Little brown eyeball.

Golden showers.

Pound cake.

Boy on the boat. Brown eyes. Brown nose.
Sloppy seconds.

Mongolian clusterfuck.

Copping a field. Copping a cherry.
Copping a joint. On the rag. Flying the

Riding the cotton pony.

Dipping your wick. Going down on.

Dry hump.

Fist fuck.

Skin flute.

French job. Fur burger.

Nuts. Get your rocks off. Get in. Get it
up. Hung.

Ginch. Gobble. Diesel dock. Rubber.
Shoot. Diesel dike that was.

Sip. Wad. Coxman. Tip. Fuck. Tongue.
Rough trade. Trick. Weenie. And yodeling

the gully. Thank you very much.