All language subtitles for As.Time.Goes.By.S09E05.iNTERNAL.DVDRip.x264-PAST.eng

# You must remember this

#A kiss is still a kiss

#A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

#As time goes by #

Absolute nonsense No, I'm sorry

MAN: Are you sure I can't tempt you?

No, no Definitely not Goodbye

Who was that you were charming?

Alistair He wants me to write another book

- Oh! What a good idea
- It's a terrible idea

Autobiography, he said

I've already done my autobiography,
My Life in Kenya.

Yes, which was very

very: : :

- You're struggling, aren't you?
- No, I'm not I'm just searching for the right word

Absorbing Yes, that's the word

Perhaps to the three people who read it

(JEAN CHUCKLES)

Did you want me?

No, I just came to ask you
to ask me out to lunch today

Oh

- Would you like to come out to lunch today?
- Yes, please

Now about this book

Now, don't look like that

Think of it as an autobiography part two

There was life after Kenya There was us

Meeting again after all those years

Now, that was a very romantic opening

- Sounds made up
- Well, it wasn't

And it was romantic

Sticky, I'd have said

Very sticky

LIONEL: You won't be long, will you?
I've got a taxi waiting, you see

I shan't be a moment Honestly
Mum, Sandy, Lionel

- Oh, hello
- Hello

- Hi
- Do sit down Two minutes

All right

Can I get you a drink?

- No, thanks I've got a taxi waiting
- All right

- Should we get on?
- Yes, of course

- Ready?
- Oh, yes

- Won't be late
- JEAN: Right

- Bye-bye
- Goodbye

(DOOR CLOSING)

Well, how was the evening?

How was Coco?

He said he knew you

- Did he say anything else?
- No

That's the trouble He wouldn't even come in
He said if you remembered him, you'd know why

Do you remember him?

You do! That's why you got dressed up

I've not got dressed up

Oh, so you don't remember him, then

Oh

(SIGHS)

It's you

It's him

When was this taken?

Well, as you can see, we're standing
in front of a cave, dressed in skins

You're smiling at each other

Yes, we'd just discovered how to make fire

All right It was a long time ago What happened?

Well, I think we had the photograph taken,
we went and had tea

Come on You know what I mean
Was it a romance?

Judy, I was 19

Kissing in the back row of the pictures
was a romance then

I'm his daughter

Maths never was your strong point

No

So, why wouldn't he come in and say hello?

Well, I expect he didn't fancy a wrinklies reunion

He said to ask you

Well, you've asked me and I don't know
and it's not important

- Cheers
- Cheers

Oh Things change

Yes Your hair is different

Yes

I've got a bit of grey myself

- Well, at least I haven't a bald spot
- Well, good for you

- I have got a troublesome back
- Yeah, I get cramp

Oh, my God! It is a wrinklies reunion

What are we doing here?

Well, I'm not here to compare wrinkles

I just want to set the record straight, that's all

Yes, so do I

So, why didn't you write?

Oh, no Let's not play games
Why didn't you write?

Where to?

Second Lieutenant Hardcastle,
somewhere in Korea?

- I sent you the full address as soon as I had one
- Well, I didn't get a letter

Well, I sent it

Oh, no

(CHUCKLING)

As ridiculously simple as that? A lost letter?

Oh, dear
I suppose we're in some rack somewhere

Could be in the Imperial War Museum,
for all we know

Letter from subaltern to sweetheart, circa 1953

Or still in Korea Disintegrated in the soil

I'd like to think it fed a tree

- People put newspaper on their compost heaps
- Yes, they do

So, we finished as Korean compost

I like the Imperial War Museum better

Yes

I think I do

You didn't bother to write
a second bloody letter, did you?

Am I boring you?

Look

JEAN: It's us 38 years ago

LIONEL: This is where we first met
JEAN: I know

Do you think we're in some sort of time warp?

Perhaps we're hallucinating

"Excuse me," you said

"Could you direct me to Curzon Street?"

Pretty steamy opening gambit, wasn't it?

Why did you need to go to Curzon Street?

I didn't
It was the first street that came into my head

When I told my father and mother
I'd been picked up by a soldier in the park,

they had a thousand fits

- On the road to hell?
- Something like that

We didn't do that on our first date

We didn't do anything on our first date

You swung from the branch of a tree

Oh God! So, I did

- Were you impressed?
- Tried not to laugh

Thanks

'Course, it may not be their first date at all

I hope it is

- Why?
- I just do

So that's the first chapter done

- What do you mean, done?
- Well, it's all in your head, isn't it?

Now, chapter two

Jean and Lionel went for a nice walk

- We went for dozens of walks
- Not like that one

We found the hotel

- What hotel?
- The hotel

Oh, yes

(LIONEL CHUCKLES)

So, that's a chapter

It wasn't as easy to find as we thought, was it?

Not quite, no

I wonder what happened to that footpath?

It's petered out

The bloody thing's simply petered out

(JEAN GROANING)

Where are you?

Here

- What were you doing?
- I fell over

Why?

Are you all right?

I'm wonderful I'm having a wonderful walk

Look, it was as much your idea as mine

A bigger man wouldn't have said that

Well, I'm not a bigger man I'm a lost man

- Which way shall we go?
- I don't know I'm not an Indian scout

And where have the woods gone?
I can't see any woods

I'd settle for a road

I can see some telegraph poles

What do you intend to do?
Shin up one and find out where we are?

Telegraph poles mean a road

Unless they're going across a field

- Have you got any better ideas?
- Yes

Wait for Humphrey Bogart to come along,
towing the African Queen and ask him the way

(SIGHS)

And now you've looked us up again

Well, not so much looked you up
as stumbled through a hedge and found you

Did you work here in 1953?

Oh, no, dear I was still at school Enjoy your tea

At least she was alive in 1953

I knew someone had to be

We should have gone to Eastbourne
We'd be comparative striplings in Eastbourne

You'd have wowed them with your trainers

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Well, there's a first time for everything, I suppose

Yes

I suppose so

Why are you smiling?

Nice tea

Yeah, I know it's a nice tea

- But you don't smile like that over a nice tea
- Well, I do

What do you do if you have a nice dinner?
Shriek with laughter?

The honey's nice

Look, I'm not a fool
You're not smiling about the tea and the honey

You're smiling about something else

- All right, I am
- What?

I don't feel like telling you

- Oh, aren't we a little old for games?
- It's not games

If you don't know why I smile,
then I'm not telling you, 'cause you should

- Should what?
- Know

- Well, I don't
- Oh, have some honey

I don't want any honey

- It's not the shoes, they're not that funny
- No, it's not the shoes

I haven't got mud on my face, have I?

Look, why are you suddenly so concerned
about your personal appearance?

- I've lost interest in this conversation
- So have I

Funny being back there

Yes, funny

It was smaller than I remember

From the outside

Then I suppose
it never had more than 12 rooms or so

Good God

- I've just remembered something
- Oh?

Here Then

In one of those 12 rooms or so,

we made love for the first time

Did we really?

That's why you were smiling You remembered

So why didn't you say so?

I didn't want to be the only one
who did remember

Yes, I see

Room eight

With the squeaky door

Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith

I always wondered why you added the Ambrose

I didn't want to be too obvious

Oh Do you think they knew?

Well, as we had no luggage
and were both as red as beetroots,

I think they must have done

Now you're smiling

I was just thinking of the 28 cups of coffee
we had after dinner

before we went up to the room

It wasn't really 28

- Seemed like it
- You kept ordering them

- I didn't want to rush you
- Oh

- I've always wondered, did you plan that night?
- Oh, give me some credit

I'd have had a suitcase in the car if I'd planned it

We didn't even have a toothbrush

- You wore a grey slip
- Oyster

- Oh, oyster
- Oyster

I kept giggling all the next day at the hospital

- Who with?
- No one

Just everything everybody said
seemed to have a double meaning

What about you when you went back to the camp?

Oh, it isn't really a time for giggling
when you're on adjutant's parade

I don't mean, did you giggle?
I mean, did you tell anyone?

No

I think I probably just walked about
with a silly smile on my face all day

I couldn't get over the fact that the night before,

I'd made love to the most beautiful girl
I'd ever laid eyes on

Oh

Would you like some more hot water?

- No, thank you
- Right

Inventive That's what writers are supposed to be

And what did I come up with?
Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith

Yes, but you weren't a writer then
You were flustered

You were young and flustered

Well, considering what was about to take place,
I had a right to be

Yes, of course you did

They must have known

Mr and Mrs Ambrose Smith
with red faces and no wedding ring?

(CHUCKLING) I think they probably did

I also look guilty when I lie, you see, always have

That was a little white lie
Everyone tells little white lies from time to time

Yes

Yes, I suppose they do

Why are you looking like that?

Oh, I was just thinking
Some white lies are whiter than others

Lionel's a psychiatrist

Really? How fascinating

Absolutely fascinating

Oh, it's just a job, really

- No
- Please!

Look, you can follow me around all day,
on your knees, if you like,

but I am not treating Stephen

Nobody mentioned anything about treating
He just wants to talk to you

In my professional capacity as a psychiatrist?

Yes, but I didn't know he meant that
till it was too late

(SIGHS)

Presumably if he'd asked you for a judo lesson,
you'd have given him one, would you?

Well, of course not
I don't know a thing about judo

Well, I don't know anything about psychiatry

Yes, well, it's much easier
to pretend to be a psychiatrist

than it is to be a judo player

That's the most extraordinary claim
I've ever heard

Look, a girlfriend of mine has been to
a psychiatrist once a week for months

And she can hardly get a peep out of him

He thinks she ought to work her own solution
out by herself,

so he just listens and says "I see" a lot

She pays him for this, does she?

Yes, she says it's doing her good
Unloading her problems is doing her good

- Months, you say?
- Almost a year

Well, I'm not seeing Stephen every week

Look, he just wants a chat

I'm not messing about with his mind

Oh, well, let's face it
There's not much to mess about with, is there?

That's not the point

If you told him I was a surgeon,

you wouldn't ask me to take his appendix out,
would you?

Oh, come on!
Credit me with a bit of common sense

Oh, God

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- That'll be Stephen
- What?

Well, when you were in the bath, he rang
and I said to come round about 10:00

You know, best to get it over with

I think this is the unfairest thing
anyone's ever done to me

- And I do mean done
- Yes, I know

- Hello, Stephen
- Oh, good morning

Lionel, this is awfully good of you

Oh, come in, Stephen Erm, go through
I'll be with you in a minute

Now, Lionel, please

Have you just had a session?

Yes, we have

Extraordinary

- I'll see you tonight
- You can't do this

Oh, I know I know

Please Please, Lionel Please!

Look, Stephen, I

Oh

This is where you want me, is it?

Yes, that'll do

I say, this is very relaxing
It's not at all like consulting

It's more like a home, really

- I see
- Pardon?

I said, I see

Poor Jean

Now, why "poor Jean" again?

Well, I mean, meeting him so late in life

You know how fond I was of David,

and I know he'd have been absolutely delighted
if you'd met someone, well

- What, after a decent interval?
- Yes

Yes, well, I know you would, but

Well, now I have met Lionel

But so late

That's the second time you've said that

We're not exactly in our dotage

No, no Of course you're not

And companionship can be a wonderful thing

In its own way

Poor Jean

Penny, I think you ought to know
that my relationship with Lionel

goes a long way beyond companionship

Good gracious Does it?

Of course

- You mean
- Yes, of course

But you didn't say

Well, it's not the kind of thing
you throw into the conversation right away, is it?

- I think it's wonderful
- Good

- But you didn't say
- No, we've done that one

Yeah, but I mean,

I've automatically put you in separate rooms

Oh, oh! Oh, no Well

- That's fine That's all right
- No, no, no It isn't fine

You should have said

No, I'll change things around upstairs
It won't take a jiff

Good Lord! Is that the time?

- I'm ready for bed
- So am I

I'm not I'm not tired at all

- Shall I make some more coffee?
- No, no, no There's no need for that

I know Let's play Trivial Pursuits

It's 1:00

Oh, is it?

Everybody tired?

Oh, all right, then I'm off, then
Good night, everybody Good night

- Psst, Lionel
- What?

- Shh Shh
- (WHISPERING) What?

We're in here

What do you mean we're in here?

- We're in here
- Why?

Well, Penny changed things round

Oh, did she?

We are guests

I know we're guests,
but that's no reason for her to

- Well, why did she change things round?
- I don't know

- I better have a word
- No

- It was me
- I see

Don't smile

It wasn't intentional

What are we going to do?

Against the grain of today's behaviour,

we're going to act like grownups

It is a bed made for two people

True

Why are you cuddling a cushion?

Well, it's not just a cushion, is it?

- Isn't it?
- No

It's another chapter for the book

There isn't going to be a book

And if there were, there certainly wouldn't be
a chapter about cushions

Not cushions This cushion

- Sorry?
- I do wish you'd follow my thread

Where to? Never-Never Land?

It's a perfectly logical train of thought Look

- This could go on all day
- All right, then There

- Or all week
- Look, where is the cushion?

The cushion is on the floor

Why?

- Because you put it there
- But why did I put it there?

I can only assume that

Oh

At last Oh

Are we alone?

Er

Unless there's somebody under the sofa, yes

- I meant Judith or Sandy
- Yes, I know you did

Yes, they left a note on the fridge
"Painting the town"

I'm glad

You're getting very liberal

- I mean, I'm glad they're out
- Mmm

So am I

At last we've got a bit of weekend to ourselves

That was very well timed, wasn't it?

I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were going to lean on me

I wasn't going to lean on you
I was just going to snuggle up

No, that would get in the way at the moment

Oh, I'm sorry

In the way of what?

Well, all this should have happened
all those years ago, you know?

I mean, your letter
would have reached me in Korea

and I would have come home and

Well, actually, I'd have done this

(GROANS)

But my knee wouldn't have clicked then

Yes

- No, it wouldn't
- Yes, I will marry you

Well, I haven't asked you yet

Yeah, but you were going to, weren't you?

Well, yes, but I'd sooner actually say it,
if it's all the same to you

Oh, sorry

You all right down there?

Yes, I'm fine

Now, you may

Thank you

You may think that I've taken a long while
getting around to this

Yes! No

- There is a reason
- Cold feet?

- May I finish or not?
- Sorry, sorry

I didn't really have anything to offer you, you see

I mean, dribs and drabs of money from the book
The odd lecture

I mean, the television money,
that's fine, but it won't last forever

But now with a house,
I can offer you something proper, something real

- That's why you were going on about the money
- Mmm

It'll probably sound stupid
but that's the way I am

- No, it's not stupid
- And there's something else

- Oh, is there?
- Yes

I fell in love with you the first day I met you

And I don't think I've ever stopped loving you

Well, that's it, really

- I love you, too
- Well, that's good

- Can I say yes now?
- Yes, please

Yes

There's always something, isn't there?

- What is it?
- My knee's locked

Doesn't matter

- What you doing?
- It's our wedding photographs

Because?

Well, a few photographs never hurt a book

No, I suppose the odd holiday snap
would have brightened up War and Peace.

- Well, I'll ignore that
- Oh, I thought you might

Now, that one would make a very nice cover

Us on a cover?

Do you seriously think
that would be a selling point?

I don't see why not We look quite respectable

- Quite nice, really
- Oh, well, that clinches it

You can almost hear the buzz
in the bookshops, can't you?

"Let's buy that book
with those nice, respectable people on the cover"

Now, I do wish you'd be more positive about this

There's certainly a chapter about the wedding
Everyone loves to read about a wedding

Yeah, but nothing happened

- Sorry?
- Well, apart from me marrying the woman I love

- It was quite uneventful It wasn't a chapter
- Oh

I'll tell you what would make a chapter, though
A long chapter

- Well, that's better What?
- The list of everybody you wanted to invite

That would take up to 200 pages, at least

- Where's your list?
- It's in here

- Well, how many people on that?
- Seventy-eight

- Seventy-eight?
- Well, it'll come down a bit

- Oh, really?
- Yes

You must be very careful
not to leave people out They can get very hurt

Who are all these people?

- I mean who, for instance, is Sandy Gilchrist?
- Sandy Gilchrist

Well, he's my chiropodist

He's a sweet man and he hasn't had an easy life

Oh, well, if that's the criterion,
that list's going to get bigger, not shorter

Now, don't just make
sweeping statements about it

Now, just tell me one thing

How on earth do you expect
to get these hundreds of people into this house?

There are not hundreds and that's no problem
Guests spread out at a wedding reception

Half of them on the roof, presumably

Right, that's done it Come on

- Where are you going?
- We're going downstairs, come on

- What, now?
- Yes, now I just want to prove a point

- It's 11:00
- Well, there is life after 11:00 Come on

(IMITATING JEAN) Let's clear out
the cupboard under the stairs while we're at it

Now, we'll move the furniture back
and they'll all stand about in little groups

Now, tell me,
how much room does a little group take up?

- I mean, say four people
- Well, about

About that much

That's if they're all standing like this

And how much
would your group of four people take up?

Well

- Say about that much
- Well, they're all really huge people, are they?

No, not particularly

But you don't stand about at a wedding reception
with your hands at your sides

I mean, people have drinks in their hands
and they make gestures while they talk

Gestures?

You didn't say anything
about flailing your arms about

- Oh, maybe I exaggerated
- Yes, you did

Anyone who flailed their arms about like that
would need a whole room to themselves

Well, you gesture, then Just naturally

Well, all right

That's not natural

Yes, it is

People don't gesture like that

Not unless they have extraordinarily short arms

- Well, you'll need a secretary
- To help me dry two coffee mugs?

No, to help you with the book

- You're like a terrier with a bone
- Well, you will

Look, it's a nonexistent book,
so I'll have a nonexistent secretary How's that?

Well, put your mind to it
and the book could become existent

That a real word?

I think so

Anyway, you know what I mean

And if you do get down to it,
then you will need a secretary

- This would be a handpicked secretary, would it?
- Of course Why do you ask?

Just thinking about Daisy

Who?

The secretary I had that you didn't handpick

I don't remember

(CHUCKLING)

Well, you'll be glad to hear
that we've sorted everything out

And we've decided to be very large-hearted
and not envy Sally Curtis because she's perfect

Good

And you don't have to see her again, do you?

No

Not unless she's so besotted with me
that she can't leave me alone

Ha You should be so lucky

Lucky?

I couldn't be doing with anybody who's perfect
I much prefer you

I suppose if I think about that
for a very long time,

I could take it as a compliment

Of course

Well, I better be going

- You might even get to like her
- Oh, now we're getting into the realms of fantasy

Look, you're bigger than she is

I know that!

Bigger-hearted

Try it Make the first move
You might be surprised

Are you thinking of becoming
a United Nations peacekeeper?

- At least give it a chance
- What, 'cause I'm suddenly big-hearted?

Not suddenly

Oh

- See you tonight
- See you tonight

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- Good morning
- Good morning

I'm Daisy

Sally Curtis sent me to do some secretarial work
for Mr Hardcastle

Oh, did she really?

- Come in
- Thank you

Look what Sally's sent you

Hello I'm Daisy

Good morning

Come through I've just made a pot of coffee

This way Here

I'll kill her I'll kill her

Good morning Gwen Flack

Oh, yes, Mrs Flack Do come in
I'm Jean Pargetter

Oh, I only know you by repute, of course

I've been sent by your other branch

Apparently Daisy
wasn't found completely satisfactory

No Apparently not

Do come through Mr Hardcastle's in here

- Good morning Gwen Flack
- Ah Good morning

This is Daisy's replacement

Replacement?

Apparently Daisy
wasn't found completely satisfactory

Wasn't she?

Look, Mrs Flack,
there's some fresh coffee in the kitchen

Down there
Why don't you go and help yourself to a cup?

Well, that's very kind Very kind

Don't you wrinkle your nose at me

Where were we up to?

- You'd just closed the bedroom door
- Oh, yes

Well, at the risk of sounding prurient,

what happened next?

I said, "Hello"

But you'd just had dinner downstairs
Why say hello?

I don't know why I said it, I just said it

Well, it doesn't sound very romantic, does it?

What about something like
And I know I'm not a writer,

but what about something like,
"Oh, my darling, you look so lovely"

- I couldn't have said that
- Too shy?

No, Jean was in the bathroom I couldn't see her

Now, I don't want you to get ahead of yourself,
but did you undress?

Well, I didn't jump into bed with all my clothes on

Well, that brings us to the issue of socks

- Does it?
- Yes

I know I can't speak for the whole of womankind,

but a man taking his socks off last
is a dead turnoff

Well, you'll be thrilled to hear
that I never take my socks off last

- Oh, good
- Anyway,

after I said hello

Mr Flack was rather keen on, well,
that side of things

And surprisingly enough, he was quite good at it
I mean, for a short man

And Jean said, "Yes, here I am"

But he did develop this habit
of taking his socks off last

And it didn't do a lot
for getting me in the mood, as you might say

We've established that I didn't

- And then
- Strange things, socks

I know they serve a purpose

but when it comes to that side of things,
they're best disposed of as quickly as possible

I find that cardigans
come under the same category

I mean, a nice enough garment in their own right
but somehow just not conducive

Would you excuse me for just a moment,
Mrs Flack?

Yes, of course

- I thought I was taking you out to lunch
- You are

Well, they don't serve meals in Judy's room

No, I'm just sorting through some books
that Judy wants me to send her

- Harvey the Hamster. Isn't she a bit old for that?
- Oh, no That's one of her favourites

It's a lovely book
He goes to sleep in his little house at the end

There's nothing like a dramatic climax

Anyway, Judy wants it

I shall never understand women

Oh, I should give up trying

Oh, look A book of love poems

If I did understand women,
I'd say that was more natural

than a book about a hamster called Harvey

It wasn't on her list

Oh, look There's an inscription in it as well

"To dear Judith with fondest wishes, Eric"

You're going to say, "Who's Eric" now, aren't you?

I'm not, as a matter of fact

I shall never forget your face
when you first saw him

- Judy was on the rebound at the time
- I know, but even so Eric

Yes, even so Eric

- Cheerio, then
- Oh, where are you going?

- Out
- Anywhere special?

No, just out Bye

- That's significant
- I thought it might be

She doesn't want to be here when Eric comes

I'm beginning not to want to be here
when Eric comes

Look, if he's very short

Yes?

No, I mean really short

Don't stand next to him, will you?

Now, don't tower over him

Well, I'll just sit very low in my seat, like this

When he sits down
I'll pop a cushion under his little bottom

I'm not sure what to do if he's a giant

Why should he be a giant?

Why have you entirely discounted the possibility
that he could be just a very average person?

Because of the way that Judy said,
"We'd better get it over with"

- Well, she could just have meant
- Yes?

- Meant
- Yes?

- Well, just give me a minute, will you?
- Yes

You see,
you're beginning to have your doubts now

I wish we were still in Scotland

What, and have all this going on
without us knowing about it?

- All what going on?
- Well, whatever it is

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh! He's here

JUDITH: It's all right I'll go

Well, this is no good
We look as if we're waiting for him to come in

- Well, we are
- Yes, but we shouldn't look like it

Spread out a bit

Just spread out a bit

Mum, Lionel, say hello to Eric

JEAN: Oh

Hello

Nice to meet you both

It is customary to say hello back

- Yes, of course Hello, Eric
- Hello, Eric

- How are you?
- Oh, I'm very well, thank you And yourself?

Me, oh, I'm very well

Yes, I'm very well, too

That's good, isn't it?

- Yes, it is, all being well
- Eric, would you like a drink?

- Oh, no, no, no, I'll do that
- No, I'll do it You all sit down

Look, I'm here already You all sit down

- Oh, Eric?
- A soft one, please

- Sorry?
- Drink

Oh

- Eric would like a soft one, please, Judy
- Yes, I heard

Don't want to blot the old escutcheon
after 35 years

- Escutcheon?
- Driving licence

No, quite

- Oh, thanks
- Thank you

- So, Eric
- Yes?

You've been driving for 35 years?

Yes, that's right
I took it up rather late, I'm afraid

- Here we are
- Thank you

What?

Oh, yes

Well, here's to

- To
- Eric

Yes?

- No, I mean here's to Eric
- Oh, thank you very much

So, Eric,

how did you find us?

I've been here before

Have you?

Oh, yes, of course you have Silly question

- We can't stay long
- Oh, that's all right, Judith There's plenty of time

Is there?

Well, that's good, isn't it?

Far less traffic on the roads, of course,
when I learned to drive

Oh, well, there would be I mean

- There There must have been
- Far less

There's a great deal more now
Don't you think so, Lionel?

Yes, there is Definitely

Far more Far more

I wonder what the increase in volume is

Oh, he's driven off

Can't have been Eric after all

- What if you were to see something?
- Like what?

Well, I don't know Anything

What do you intend to do?
Lean out of the window and shout,

(IMITATING JEAN) "Take your hands
off my daughter, you dirty old man"

No, of course not, but

Oh, Lionel, he is too old for her, isn't he?

I don't think it's any of our business

Well, of course it's our business
We're her parents

No, we are not

Well, you're her stepfather

That makes me sound
like someone in a pantomime

Which means you have no excuse
to stand back when there's a family crisis

I don't consider this a crisis

But what if he proposes?

They've only known each other a week

- Yes, but he hasn't got time on his side, has he?
- Oh, for goodness' sake

Joan Fontaine

- What?
- What?

- You just said "Joan Fontaine"
- Why?

Well, goodness knows

You're always waking up
and saying strange things

She was Olivia de Havilland's sister

I must have nodded off and made the connection

Well, if you can call it a connection, yes

It's from Judy She sends her love

Good How's married life?

Well, it sounds very good

Seems that Alistair is finally doing an impression
of a real human being

- Had to happen eventually
- Yes

Wasn't what you'd call
the smoothest courtship in the world, was it?

More like a running battle at times

Sandy and Harry
had some bumpy moments as well

You can't blame the boy for liking rugby

Liking? He was obsessed with it

Still, they all had a happy ending

- What was that song?
- What song?

The one about the bumpy road to love

I don't know

Joan Fontaine didn't sing it, did she?

- Marriage?
- That's right The big M

That isn't what you're supposed to do next, Judy

No, I know, I
I just should have had some warning

What was I supposed to do?

Say, "Hey, I shall be proposing to you
later today"?

No I don't know

Why?

- What kind of a question is that?
- It's a fairly important one

Well, because

Look, can we go up to your bedroom?

This isn't the one about thinking more clearly
when we're lying down, is it?

No

ALISTAIR: This is all wrong

This is a kitchen You're making coffee

This should be happening
on a golden beach in Acapulco

or a snow-covered ski lodge in Saint Moritz

And would I still be making coffee?

- Judy, I'm serious
- Yes, I think you are

So this is a kitchen
You picked the time and the spot

Well, could you at least stop making coffee?

Sorry

As I told you before, impulse is my middle name

It suddenly happened to me
on the way back from lunch Kaboom!

Now, the furthest your impulses
have ever got you before

is asking me to move in with you

I know And I want you to know that
that offer still stands,

should you say no to marriage

Thank you

You know, I've been thinking,

I really appreciated you coming around yesterday

There's nothing to appreciate I missed you

But Saturdays are rugby days

Postponed it

- The whole game?
- Nothing more to do

You postponed a rugby game
so that you could come and see me?

No, the game was postponed

- Frozen pitch
- Oh, I see

But I would have come round anyway

- Would you really?
- Of course I would

As soon as the game was over

It's odd, isn't it?

Here we are, sitting here, talking about
where we're going to live and having babies

Only yesterday you were putting off
having lunch with me

so you could see a college friend

And I'm very glad I did, Judy

Because that's what really made me propose

- You don't mean that it was his idea?
- What, Leo?

Leo once described marriage as an institution
to which only lunatics get committed

No, it was just seeing him again

I don't follow

Judy, the guy was a wreck

A burnt-out shell of a man A husk

So you came home and proposed to me?

Well, don't you see?

Leo's only a couple of years older than I am

A guy can't go on burning the candle in the middle
as well as at both ends forever

If I don't do something about it now,
I could end up like that

- Which makes me the something
- Well, yes

What do you think I am? A Salvation Army hostel?

- Judy?
- You go and get yourself a nanny!

Well, in his heart it's always been Judy

He's just got engaged to another woman

Yes, but you know what he's like
He's a bit of a fly-by-night

It mightn't last

And that's what you want for Judy, is it?
A bit of a fly-by-night?

Well, at least he's a nice fly-by-night

I give up I really do

I wonder what this Mercury's like

I'm not sure I can actually bring myself
to call anyone Mercury

It could be worse

She could be called British Telecom

It's Mercury time

Look, Judy,
if you don't want to go through with this

Oh, Mum, I can't miss the opportunity
of seeing the woman

that can make Alistair propose marriage

JEAN: Wow

- Lionel, your mouth's open
- Sorry

- Hello
- Hello

Hi, guys

- Hello
- Hello, Alistair

- We thought that was Mercury
- What, the plain girl?

Will you stop frogmarching me about?

Oh

Sandy, I love you

And I want you to marry me
and come to Canada with me

Oh

I don't say enough, you see
I mean to, but I don't,

because when I do,
it generally comes out all wrong anyway

I'm just a copper

It's not enough to offer someone like you,

but I've finally realised that's all I can offer

The thought of being that far away without you,

the thought of you not being in my life at all,
it's not on

It's not on

Sandy, you've got to marry me
and you've got to come to Canada with me, and

Well, that's it, really

For somebody who doesn't say enough,
you did rather well

- So?
- That is a yes, by the way

Those whom God has joined together
let no one put asunder

(ORGAN PLAYING MAJESTIC MUSIC)

ALL: Cheese!

- Oh, lovely lunch, Lionel Thank you
- All part of the friendly service

- What was that main course called again?
- Olivia de Havilland

- Olivia de Havilland?
- What?

The main course
was not called Olivia de Havilland

I know It was beef something

Why did you say Olivia de Havilland?

Because that was the name of the actress
we were trying to remember at lunch

And it suddenly came to me

But I asked you what the main course was called

- Yeah, I was coming to that
- Oh

What a relief

Yes Nothing like a sit-down after lunch

No, I meant a relief that you heard the question

I didn't think you'd heard the question

- Pardon?
- Oh, please, don't start

I can't go through all that again

- Oh, I got some sausages
- That's nice

You haven't looked at them yet

No, I said, "That's nice"

Oh

Lionel, I think you're getting a bit deaf

Pardon?

- Hello
- ALISTAIR: Hi, Li

Sorry, I forgot my key

LIONEL: That's all right Hello, Alistair

Li, could we have a word?

Yes, if we must Come through

Is Mum in the kitchen?

Sit down, Alistair

(INAUDIBLE)

Thanks

Well, this word

Oh, right

First of all, Li,

I love you

I do wish you wouldn't say things like that

Okay, but it's said and it was meant

Is there something wrong with your mouth?

No Why?

Because when you talk,

your jaw keeps wobbling about
and you're shouting as well

- Am I?
- Mmm

Sorry

- Is that better?
- Yes, that's fine

Mind you, we are sitting quite close together

As long as we don't sit unnaturally close,
I don't mind

Okay Good

Right, here goes

Li, I am aware of a problem

You've noticed, then

No, I can't honestly say I have,
because I haven't been around too much lately,

but Judy has and she tells me that Sandy has, too

I think we might be needing this

That was Alistair on the phone

He finally got around to telling Lionel
and he's just stormed out of the pub

Oh

Oh, look, come on He's not violent, is he?

Not so far, no

Look, you two go

There's no point in three of us getting bashed up

No, we'll stay Have you never heard of girl power?

Yes, I've heard of it
In our days it was called flirting

(DOOR SLAMMING)

He doesn't sound in a very flirty mood

Hello, Lionel

Do you know what that fool in the pub
has just told me?

ALL: No

Oh, yes, you do You're all in on it, aren't you?

Well, let me tell you something I am not a boy

- Look, nobody said
- May I finish?

Sorry

And because I am not a boy,

my knees crack if I stand up too quickly,

I've been known to doze off
in front of the television

and, believe it or not,
I admit to missing the odd word in a conversation

But I am not ready for an ear trumpet yet

- Have you finished?
- For the moment, yes

Well, firstly, no one said anything
about an ear trumpet

Secondly, you are not missing the odd word,

you are missing more and more words
all the time

- Rubbish
- No, Mum's right, Lionel

This morning when I asked you
if Mum was in the kitchen,

you didn't even answer me

That's 'cause I didn't know

Well, what about when I came in last night?

I said, "I've been to a rugby match"
And you said, "Yes, I did England won"

- Well, they did
- Oh, really

Look, before we start "oh-really-ing",
consider this

I think that all three of you
have got unnaturally soft voices

- Oh, for God's sake!
- Yes, you have

It's a wonder I hear anything at all
with you whispering all the time

- Oh, really
- You're doing it again

Well, really

All right, what about when you're here
on your own, watching television?

You have the sound up full blast

That's the BBC's fault

The sound level's never the same
for two programmes running

JEAN: Lionel, just stop making silly excuses
and face up to facts

You're making it sound like an accusation
We all care about you and we want to help

There's simply no point
turning a blind eye to your hearing

Is that a mixed metaphor?

I know what it is You know and I know

Consider this Consider this

If I'm supposed to be getting deaf,

why are we having a conversation in which,
despite your soft voices,

I have heard every word that you've said?

It could have something to do with the fact
that not one of us

is more than four feet away from you

Exactly Judy, stand over there
Sandy, stand over here

- Oh, really
- Oh, don't you start

- Now, Judy, say something
- What? Say what?

I don't know Just say anything

(WHISPERING INAUDIBLY)

- All right, I didn't hear it
- Nor did I, actually

Something about this afternoon?

I just said, I think it might rain this afternoon

Yes, well, say it in a normal voice
I didn't ask you to whisper

- I think it might rain this afternoon
- No, you've already said that

- Well, then, we'll get Sandy to say something
- Well, Sandy

Erm Why do rugby club dancers get boisterous?

Well?

Something about oysters?

Boisterous

- Well, she whispered as well
- I did not

- I heard every word she said
- Oysters

Oh, very well, then Now, you sit there

- (STUTTERING) Just sit down there
- Yes, all right, all right

Now No, no glasses

Now, what card am I holding up?

Well, I don't know, it's facing you

Oh, sorry Right, go on, then

Er, the, er The eight of

Right This one

- Queen of hearts
- Wrong, the king of hearts

- Ah, but she did get the right suit
- Right

Which is clearer, the black or the red?

- Oh, this is absurd
- Well, of course it's absurd

You don't test someone's hearing
by whispering in the corners of the room

any more than you test someone's eyesight
by waving playing cards about

Exactly, which is why although
I didn't even volunteer for it,

I shall be keeping my appointment
with the eye specialist in the morning

Now, come on, Lionel

See sense

I'm not having an ear trumpet

How did it go?

Oh, how did it go for you?

Oh, fine, apart from paying his fee

You know, it's just a minor alteration
to the prescription, that's all

Otherwise my eyesight's fine

Good So is my hearing

- Oh, you did go and have your ears tested
- Yes

There was a small problem, but it's fixed

Oh, thank goodness

It's remarkable, isn't it?

You can't see it at all

- See what?
- Well, your hearing aid

- I'm not wearing a hearing aid
- Well, what was the small problem?

Wax

A build-up of wax in the ears,
but I had it syringed Now everything's fine

- Did it hurt?
- No

A bit like having a head full of water
but, you know, it worked

- And that's all that matters
- I was worried

Yes, I know
I'm sorry I wasn't my usual grownup self about it

- Was there a lot of wax?
- Yes, quite a lot

They gave it to me as a souvenir

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Oh

And I got some more
of those nice sausages as well

They're in here

You know, it still seems funny cooking for two

- You still miss the girls, don't you?
- Sometimes

- Don't you?
- No

- Lionel
- Well, on balance, I mean

They're both very sweet
but they do gum up the works from time to time

What do you mean "gum up the works"?

Well, take Casablanca.

The place?

- The film
- Oh

- "We'll always have Paris"
- Mmm

- You always cry when they sing the Marseillaise.
- Of course

Well, the last time that was on television,

that was a time for us
to be sitting together on the sofa

Me with my arm around you, passing the tissues

It didn't end like that, did it?

The three of you sniffling on the sofa,
there wasn't even room for me

- You fell asleep anyway
- That's irrelevant

The fact is, that should have been a time for me
to be alone with my girl

- Girl?
- Yes

Well, it's bound to be on television again

Well, if it is, I shan't be falling asleep

You were very sweet about the girls, you know

Very caring

A bit like walking through a minefield
sometimes, though

I mean, two pretty, young girls

walking around the house
with practically nothing on

- When?
- No, they didn't actually do it

They could have done

That's what I meant about the minefield

You did walk in on Sandy once
when she was in the bath

- That was the one mine I trod on
- Yes, you should have seen your face

You should have seen yours
after you'd had time to think about it

- You trying to get me drunk?
- I haven't tried that since I was very young

Really? What happened?

I plied her with Babycham
God, she could knock those back

And?

I tried to match her with my light ales
and got legless myself

The young Mr Smooth

Now, what was this earlier about you being a fool?

- Well, I am
- No, you're not

You're foolish sometimes, but never a fool

I know it's irrational, but I keep thinking
what would have happened if I'd been in the bath?

- What would you have done?
- Well, I'd have said hello

Then I'd have probably sat on the edge
of the bath and had a chat

- Yes, exactly
- Well, there's nothing wrong in that

No, I know But what if it had been years ago
when I was young?

I'd have torn all my clothes off
and jumped in with you

That's what I mean

Now, look,
I did not consider doing that with Sandy

No, I know you didn't

Sometimes I think we need a translator

No, we don't need a translator It's just me

I suppose I'm jealous

- I thought we just agreed
- Not of you, of Sandy

And Judy for that matter

(SIGHS)

I shan't say anything I'll just nod

No, but look at them

They're young and they're pretty
and they're here as a constant reminder

And you're here

And you're only a man, after all

I'm not nodding at that

- And what do you mean "only a man"?
- Well, don't tell me you never notice them

- Well, of course I notice them
- Well, there you are, then

There I am where?

Well, chuck them both out, then

- What?
- Well, I can't see any other solution

But we don't need a solution
'cause there isn't really a problem It's just me

Well, with the best will in the world,
I can't honestly say that you're young and pretty

- No, I know that
- But I think you're beautiful

- What?
- I said you're beautiful

Have you had a few of those light ales
before we started on the wine?

That's how I see you

You were beautiful when we met
and you always will be

It's nothing to do with a few wrinkles
and an extra pound or two

Or two?

It's what you are, it's

It's what you mean

I'm not putting this very well, am I?

Oh, it'll do very well, Lionel

It'll do very well

I think we'll leave the washing up

I was just going to suggest that myself

So, how often am I foolish?

- I thought you might like these
- Oh, thank you

- Why?
- To make notes

Oh

Jean is just about to get into bed

Yes, here she comes now

- I meant notes about the book
- Yes, I rather thought you did

Well?

I'll draw you a picture of a rabbit instead

- You haven't even considered it, have you?
- Yes, I have

I couldn't have done anything else
with you going on about it all day

So consider the idea considered and rejected
We are not a book

We're not even a paragraph
We are just Mr and Mrs Hardcastle

Well, I still think it's been an interesting story

Of course it has But to us

Because we're the actualcombatants

- Combatants?
- Participants

So let's just keep it to ourselves, shall we?

You know, meeting again after all those years,

we were very lucky, weren't we?

We got a second chance

Some people never get a first

I love you, Lionel

Just as well 'Cause I love you, too

If you repeat this, I shall say I was drunk

But I'm glad you're back in my life again

You are back in my life again, aren't you?

I seem to be, yes

Nice to have a friend

Yes

It's nice to have a friend

What are you doing?

- I'm giving you a friendly kiss
- Oh

Oh, damn and blast

What now?

I need a pee

Oh

It's The Last Waltz.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't suppose
you have the strength to totter around, have you?

I thought you'd never ask

(HUMMING)

# You must remember this

#A kiss is still a kiss

#A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

#As time goes by

#And when two lovers woo

# They still say, "I love you"

# On that you can rely

# The world will always welcome lovers

#As time goes by #