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1
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:12,293
# You must remember this
2
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:15,019
# A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:18,092
# A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:20,540 --> 00:00:24,089
# The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:24,180 --> 00:00:28,139
# As time goes by #
6
00:00:34,740 --> 00:00:36,856
- I'm off to bed.
- Yes.
7
00:00:36,940 --> 00:00:38,896
I'll be up in a minute.
8
00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:41,175
- What did you just hide?
- Nothing.
9
00:00:41,260 --> 00:00:43,216
Lionel, I saw you.
10
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:45,768
It's that jar of pickled onions, isn't it?
11
00:00:45,860 --> 00:00:47,851
- Damn thing.
- Give it to me.
12
00:00:47,940 --> 00:00:49,851
If I can't get the top off, you can't.
13
00:00:49,940 --> 00:00:55,333
I just want to take it away. I'm not having
our life taken over by pickled onions.
14
00:00:55,420 --> 00:00:57,650
Isn't that a bit of an exaggeration?
15
00:00:57,740 --> 00:01:01,016
Half an hour we waited for supper
while you struggled with it.
16
00:01:01,100 --> 00:01:03,853
Now you creep in here
and have another go at it.
17
00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:08,058
- It's annoying. What are you doing?
- Well, you might have loosened it.
18
00:01:09,940 --> 00:01:11,532
It's no good.
19
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,615
- You're glad, aren't you?
- Yes, I am.
20
00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:18,375
Might be old-fashioned
but men are supposed to get lids off jars.
21
00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:20,496
- Oh, Lionel.
- Well, they are.
22
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:23,811
Woman tries, says, "Can you open it?"
Man says, "Yes."
23
00:01:23,900 --> 00:01:26,414
- Tries, opens it.
- Except you can't.
24
00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:30,658
- Except I can't.
- Well, maybe it's a faulty lid.
25
00:01:30,740 --> 00:01:32,253
Yes.
26
00:01:32,340 --> 00:01:34,296
Don't really believe that, do you?
27
00:01:35,180 --> 00:01:38,616
I'm going to bed.
And this is going into the kitchen.
28
00:01:40,020 --> 00:01:43,490
If I hear a cupboard door opening,
you and I are going to have words.
29
00:02:29,580 --> 00:02:31,172
(Lionel) Sandy?
30
00:02:32,380 --> 00:02:34,336
He's followed me home again.
31
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:36,772
Has he?
32
00:02:38,260 --> 00:02:39,818
No, Lionel, don't.
33
00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,931
(Doorbell ringing)
34
00:02:52,020 --> 00:02:54,136
(Ringing continues)
35
00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:59,418
Lionel, will you come inside this minute?
36
00:03:00,220 --> 00:03:03,053
- No one to be seen.
- Lionel, please come in.
37
00:03:03,140 --> 00:03:04,334
Please.
38
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,814
Well, I might as well. I don't intend
to roam the streets all night.
39
00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:13,779
What did you ring the doorbell for?
You probably frightened him off.
40
00:03:14,620 --> 00:03:16,656
Come on, I'll put the kettle on.
41
00:03:23,860 --> 00:03:25,373
(Jean sighs)
42
00:03:25,460 --> 00:03:27,212
Is Sandy all right?
43
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,814
She's a bit shaken but she's all right.
44
00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,370
- Why are you standing there?
- Oh, just having a look.
45
00:03:33,460 --> 00:03:36,930
- Not thinking of tearing out again?
- In my pyjamas?
46
00:03:37,020 --> 00:03:40,217
That'd be even sillier,
tearing out in your pyjamas.
47
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:42,814
What do you mean, "even sillier"?
48
00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:46,050
- Come to bed.
- Even sillier than what?
49
00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:49,177
Tearing out in the first place
when Sandy came home.
50
00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:52,013
Was I supposed to
cower behind the door?
51
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,979
Nobody said anything about cowering
but you should've stayed inside.
52
00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:58,858
- And sent Sandy back out?
- No, of course not.
53
00:03:58,940 --> 00:04:01,659
- Or called for you and sent you out?
- Lionel!
54
00:04:01,740 --> 00:04:05,096
- Judith can be fierce when she's angry.
- Stop it.
55
00:04:05,180 --> 00:04:08,536
I simply said that you should have acted
more responsibly.
56
00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:13,216
I thought I did. Sandy was frightened
and I felt responsible for her safety.
57
00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:15,973
I feel responsible for all of you.
58
00:04:16,060 --> 00:04:18,290
Ah, that's sweet.
59
00:04:18,380 --> 00:04:21,770
It isn't "sweet", it's just... right.
60
00:04:22,660 --> 00:04:25,094
- I do love you, Lionel.
- I know.
61
00:04:25,180 --> 00:04:27,171
All those years without you
62
00:04:27,260 --> 00:04:31,856
and now we've got each other
I don't want to find your body in a ditch.
63
00:04:31,940 --> 00:04:35,250
- There are no ditches in Holland Park.
- Well, in a gutter.
64
00:04:35,700 --> 00:04:37,895
Why are you suddenly so concerned?
65
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,333
He could have been armed.
66
00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:41,888
This bloke who's been following Sandy?
67
00:04:41,980 --> 00:04:44,335
- Yes.
- It's not really likely, is it?
68
00:04:44,420 --> 00:04:46,376
Well, it's a possibility.
69
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:49,020
Well, almost anything's a possibility.
70
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:52,615
It's a possibility I could have been asleep
when Sandy came home.
71
00:04:52,700 --> 00:04:55,931
It's a possibility I could have tripped
and broken my neck.
72
00:04:56,020 --> 00:05:00,571
It's a possibility I could have been
knocked down by a rogue pheasant.
73
00:05:00,660 --> 00:05:03,618
I also might have got my hands on him.
74
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:05,656
Look, he could have been young.
75
00:05:08,860 --> 00:05:10,612
I see.
76
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,931
- Lionel, I didn't mean...
- I know exactly what you mean.
77
00:05:14,020 --> 00:05:16,693
We're back to that jar of pickled onions.
78
00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:21,012
Oh, I do hope not. Lionel, I'm not
suggesting you become enfeebled
79
00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:24,058
but let's face facts,
you're not a young man any more.
80
00:05:24,620 --> 00:05:26,133
No.
81
00:05:26,220 --> 00:05:28,973
- You're not old.
- No.
82
00:05:29,060 --> 00:05:31,654
But you're just not young any more.
83
00:05:31,740 --> 00:05:33,696
I think you've made your point.
84
00:05:37,460 --> 00:05:39,018
(Sighs)
85
00:05:45,260 --> 00:05:47,615
Morning, Sandy. How do you feel?
86
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:50,817
- Bit foolish, to tell the truth.
- Oh? Why?
87
00:05:50,900 --> 00:05:53,892
Well, last night. Perhaps I overreacted.
88
00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:57,939
Perhaps he wasn't following me at all,
perhaps he was just out for a walk.
89
00:05:58,020 --> 00:06:01,410
So why did he stop every time
you stopped? Oh, come on.
90
00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:04,537
That creep was following you
and you know it.
91
00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,815
Wish I'd taken more karate lessons.
92
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:09,460
- How many did you take?
- Only one.
93
00:06:09,540 --> 00:06:12,657
I had a headache,
couldn't stand all that shouting.
94
00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:16,858
- If you'd have finished the course...
- I'd still have been frightened.
95
00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:20,171
- You could have taken a taxi.
- It was a fine night.
96
00:06:20,260 --> 00:06:22,854
It's a ten-minute walk. Why take a taxi?
97
00:06:22,940 --> 00:06:25,738
You're right. It's not fair, is it?
98
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:30,416
No, it isn't. Anyway, let's not talk
about it. It's not likely to happen again.
99
00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:33,333
No. So, where are the grown-ups?
100
00:06:33,420 --> 00:06:35,615
Acting like a couple of silly children.
101
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:41,058
Lionel's stuck his head in the newspaper
and Jean's reading a cereal packet.
102
00:06:41,140 --> 00:06:44,132
Talk about setting an example.
What have they rowed about?
103
00:06:44,220 --> 00:06:47,053
Wasn't the sort of atmosphere
where you ask questions.
104
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:51,292
Anyway, Jean said she was
going shopping and she slammed out.
105
00:06:51,380 --> 00:06:53,336
- And then Lionel...
- (Door slams)
106
00:06:53,420 --> 00:06:55,775
...said he was going for a walk
and slammed out.
107
00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:59,011
Sounds like one of them's
just slammed back in.
108
00:06:59,780 --> 00:07:02,135
- Good morning, Lionel.
- Good morning.
109
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:06,498
I'm gonna get dressed. By the way,
I thought you were very brave last night.
110
00:07:06,580 --> 00:07:08,411
Did you? Thank you.
111
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:10,570
Bit foolhardy, though.
112
00:07:11,620 --> 00:07:14,737
You didn't want me
to go out of that front door, did you?
113
00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:17,175
- Well...
- Did you?
114
00:07:17,260 --> 00:07:19,820
- Not really, no.
- Why, Sandy?
115
00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:23,210
Because... It was brave...
116
00:07:23,780 --> 00:07:25,133
Yes?
117
00:07:25,220 --> 00:07:27,654
...but at your age...
118
00:07:27,740 --> 00:07:29,856
I think I'll go for another walk.
119
00:07:37,220 --> 00:07:39,939
(Judith) We can be talked to, you know.
120
00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:41,931
Lionel and I had words.
121
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:45,171
- Not at breakfast you didn't.
- No, last night.
122
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:50,932
I was worried about him rushing out
into the street and it went on from there.
123
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:55,172
He saw it as some sort of slight
to his masculinity and he got huffy
124
00:07:55,260 --> 00:07:57,410
and then I got huffy, and...
125
00:07:58,460 --> 00:08:01,418
- Where is he?
- He went for a walk, he came back,
126
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:04,094
- then he went for another walk.
- Why?
127
00:08:04,180 --> 00:08:08,332
I'm afraid we voiced reservations
that weren't a million miles from yours
128
00:08:08,420 --> 00:08:11,014
- and he got huffy again.
- Oh, dear.
129
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:13,375
- (Door slams)
- Oh! Quick, quick.
130
00:08:15,780 --> 00:08:17,736
I thought these looked rather lonely.
131
00:08:17,820 --> 00:08:20,015
Oh, Lionel!
132
00:08:21,260 --> 00:08:23,296
Oh, I'm sorry I hurt you.
133
00:08:23,380 --> 00:08:25,416
I was worried about you. I love you.
134
00:08:25,500 --> 00:08:27,297
- We all love you.
- We do.
135
00:08:27,380 --> 00:08:29,496
I should go for a walk more often.
136
00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,856
- Are you all right now?
- Yes.
137
00:08:32,940 --> 00:08:35,249
Slightly dented pride, that's all.
138
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:38,776
I would like to say one thing.
I may not be at my physical peak
139
00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:40,816
but I'm not Tweetie Pie either.
140
00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:43,812
If something like that happened again,
I'd do the same.
141
00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:46,255
- But Lionel...
- (Sandy) It won't happen again.
142
00:08:46,340 --> 00:08:50,538
It was just a one-off. Just some
waste of space with nothing to do.
143
00:08:50,620 --> 00:08:53,692
- Yes, you...
- (Judith) Sandy's right, Mum.
144
00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,736
Well, the flowers are lovely.
145
00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:58,175
- They're not from me.
- Oh?
146
00:08:58,980 --> 00:09:01,574
No. I found them on the doorstep.
147
00:09:01,660 --> 00:09:04,220
- Whose doorstep?
- Ours, of course.
148
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,656
- Who'd leave flowers on the doorstep?
- How should I know?
149
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:09,731
You could try reading the card.
150
00:09:09,820 --> 00:09:12,254
Well, if you want to be conventional.
151
00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:17,374
- There isn't one.
- There's always a card.
152
00:09:17,460 --> 00:09:20,736
No, there isn't. Just left on the doorstep?
153
00:09:20,820 --> 00:09:24,017
No ring at the door.
Someone's been in all morning.
154
00:09:24,100 --> 00:09:27,058
Obviously one of you has got
a secret admirer.
155
00:09:29,660 --> 00:09:31,218
Oh.
156
00:09:52,340 --> 00:09:54,296
Oh, not that again.
157
00:09:54,380 --> 00:09:58,339
- I'm going to run it under cold water.
- You run it under hot water.
158
00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:02,379
But I don't think we need
a pickled onion just at the moment.
159
00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:12,700
I'll make coffee.
Would the girls like some?
160
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,975
- No, they've gone out.
- When?
161
00:10:15,060 --> 00:10:17,699
- Just a few moments ago.
- Why wasn't I told?
162
00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:20,897
Well, it's broad daylight
and they're together.
163
00:10:20,980 --> 00:10:24,768
- Where've they gone?
- I think Sandy said the market.
164
00:10:24,860 --> 00:10:26,373
Right.
165
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:28,769
Oh, Lionel.
166
00:10:28,860 --> 00:10:30,816
Where are you going?
167
00:10:30,900 --> 00:10:32,731
Lionel?
168
00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:35,493
- (Door closes)
- Oh...
169
00:10:44,620 --> 00:10:46,576
(Traders calling)
170
00:11:18,620 --> 00:11:21,498
Oi! Where do you think
you're going with that?
171
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:23,252
Oh! Ha!
172
00:11:23,340 --> 00:11:27,094
- Sorry, I don't want it.
- You wouldn't now you've got to pay.
173
00:11:27,180 --> 00:11:30,411
- Why should I want a bugle?
- You're the one walking away with it.
174
00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:32,809
- Ten quid.
- I don't want the thing.
175
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,370
Right, we'll see what lily law
has to say about this.
176
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:38,928
Look, I didn't mean to, erm...
177
00:11:41,380 --> 00:11:43,450
All right.
178
00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:46,338
- Ten pounds.
- Oh. Ta.
179
00:11:46,420 --> 00:11:49,093
- Durham Light Infantry.
- What?
180
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:53,935
The bugle. Durham Light Infantry. I'll bet
that instrument could tell a story or two.
181
00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:55,976
I'll ask it when I get a moment.
182
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:59,453
What?
183
00:11:59,540 --> 00:12:03,852
I've got the strangest feeling that we're
being followed. Am I being hysterical?
184
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:07,057
- You're not given to being hysterical.
- Don't look round!
185
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:11,452
All right. I'll tell you what,
we'll look round together. Count of three.
186
00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:13,496
One, two, three.
187
00:12:16,700 --> 00:12:18,975
Someone ducked back.
188
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:26,653
Oh, good morning.
189
00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:28,093
(Gasps)
190
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:30,659
Shh!
191
00:12:32,180 --> 00:12:35,775
- What do you want? Who are you?
- Easy up, lady. Big Al sent me.
192
00:12:35,860 --> 00:12:38,215
Big Al?
193
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,256
- Oh, Alistair?
- Right.
194
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:42,296
Isn't he with you?
195
00:12:43,820 --> 00:12:46,459
Best not to know. Know what I mean?
196
00:12:46,540 --> 00:12:48,735
Yes, of course.
197
00:12:48,820 --> 00:12:51,334
- Would you like to come through?
- Ta.
198
00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:57,329
Oh. Could I get you a drink
or something?
199
00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:01,136
A cup of herbal tea would be nice.
200
00:13:01,980 --> 00:13:04,255
Herbal tea? Oh.
201
00:13:04,340 --> 00:13:06,092
Right.
202
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:12,259
- I've had enough of this.
- Yeah, so have I. Let's go home.
203
00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:16,811
No, I'm starting to feel like a victim,
you're starting to feel like a victim.
204
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:21,974
I've had enough of it. This is a London
market, not some souk in North Africa.
205
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:26,258
What is he, anyway? Just some gutless
wonder who enjoys following women.
206
00:13:26,340 --> 00:13:29,650
- Right.
- So let's go back the way we came.
207
00:13:29,740 --> 00:13:31,970
- See how he likes it.
- I'm with you.
208
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:34,415
Good. Cos I wouldn't try it on my own.
209
00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,176
I never claimed it worked.
210
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,056
- Pardon?
- The bugle.
211
00:13:46,140 --> 00:13:49,291
- Sold as seen, no money back.
- I don't want my money back.
212
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:52,258
What do you want?
Here, how about a trombone?
213
00:13:52,340 --> 00:13:55,457
I'm just trying to hide.
There are two girls following me.
214
00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:57,292
You?
215
00:13:57,380 --> 00:13:59,098
Yes, me.
216
00:13:59,180 --> 00:14:01,375
- Why?
- Because...
217
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:04,452
- It's too complicated to explain.
- Yeah.
218
00:14:04,540 --> 00:14:07,418
- It's those two, I suppose.
- It is, as a matter of fact.
219
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:10,298
You're living in a fantasy world, mate.
220
00:14:10,380 --> 00:14:12,371
Two crackers like that?
221
00:14:18,180 --> 00:14:20,978
- Can I help you, girls?
- I don't think so.
222
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,574
- We're looking for some weirdo.
- Really?
223
00:14:23,660 --> 00:14:25,730
He wasn't carrying a bugle, was he?
224
00:14:25,820 --> 00:14:27,492
(Both) A bugle?
225
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:31,970
- Another macaroon, Neil?
- No, thank you very much.
226
00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:34,699
And it's not Neil, it's Nails.
227
00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:38,497
- Nails?
- Yeah.
228
00:14:38,580 --> 00:14:40,571
As in six-inch.
229
00:14:43,060 --> 00:14:45,415
You weren't actually christened Nails?
230
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,936
No, it's a nickname.
Something that happened in Poplar.
231
00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:52,217
- Involving six-inch nails?
- You got it.
232
00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,256
- (Doorbell)
- Oh!
233
00:14:54,340 --> 00:14:57,491
- That'll be Big Al.
- Oh. Right. Excuse me.
234
00:15:01,940 --> 00:15:03,373
(Alistair) Hey.
235
00:15:03,460 --> 00:15:06,338
- Big Al, I presume.
- He's here, then?
236
00:15:06,420 --> 00:15:08,650
Alistair, he's terrifying.
237
00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,731
He's supposed to be. Listen.
238
00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:13,892
You rang me to ask for help
and Nails is the man.
239
00:15:13,980 --> 00:15:16,096
It's better than old Li playing vigilante.
240
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:18,648
- Well, yes, I suppose so.
- Right.
241
00:15:18,740 --> 00:15:20,696
So let's hold a war council.
242
00:15:23,540 --> 00:15:25,496
- Hi, Nails.
- Big Al.
243
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:28,333
I have to ask, why "Big Al"?
244
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,980
Because he... done something.
245
00:15:32,220 --> 00:15:35,132
- Alistair?
- Just a little favour, that's all.
246
00:15:35,220 --> 00:15:38,610
- I don't suppose I'm going to know what.
- No, not really.
247
00:15:38,700 --> 00:15:40,770
You'd need to know Alfie Two-Buckets.
248
00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:45,817
Well, as I don't know Mr Two-Buckets,
I'll leave it at that.
249
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:47,891
Best. What you don't know...
250
00:15:47,980 --> 00:15:49,811
- Can't harm you.
- (Door closes)
251
00:15:49,900 --> 00:15:51,856
Oh. Yes, that's Lionel.
252
00:15:51,940 --> 00:15:53,931
Er, you're a double glazing salesman.
253
00:15:54,020 --> 00:15:56,409
- They're all villains.
- Well, a vet, then.
254
00:15:56,500 --> 00:15:59,219
- But you don't have any animals.
- Well, something.
255
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:01,894
- Manicurist. (Laughs)
- What?
256
00:16:01,980 --> 00:16:04,050
Nails. (Laughs)
257
00:16:04,140 --> 00:16:06,096
- Mum...
- Oh.
258
00:16:06,180 --> 00:16:08,614
- Er, hello, Alistair.
- Hello, Alistair.
259
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,656
- Hey, hey.
- Judy, Sandy,
260
00:16:10,740 --> 00:16:12,651
this is Mr Nails.
261
00:16:12,740 --> 00:16:16,619
- Just Nails. Pleased to meet ya.
- (Both) Hello.
262
00:16:16,700 --> 00:16:19,772
Well, Nails is, erm... is, er...
263
00:16:19,860 --> 00:16:24,172
- Your guardian angel, courtesy of Big Al.
- Who?
264
00:16:24,260 --> 00:16:27,252
- Me!
- Something he did for Mr Two-Buckets.
265
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,695
- Can we start again?
- OK, look.
266
00:16:30,780 --> 00:16:32,736
I get an SOS from Jean, mm?
267
00:16:32,820 --> 00:16:35,778
There's some nasty type
out there on the prowl.
268
00:16:35,860 --> 00:16:38,010
I call in Nails, end of prob.
269
00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:40,136
What exactly are you going to be doing?
270
00:16:42,340 --> 00:16:44,774
- Something.
- (Knuckles cracking)
271
00:16:44,860 --> 00:16:47,328
No, I mean, before you catch him.
272
00:16:47,420 --> 00:16:52,050
I'll be about. But you won't see me
till I see him. Then, er...
273
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:57,337
Alistair, I don't think any of us
want this to get out of hand.
274
00:16:57,420 --> 00:16:59,775
Nails is a pro, hmm?
275
00:16:59,860 --> 00:17:03,409
Guys like this have got to be stopped.
They give us a bad reputation.
276
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:06,970
Right. I offered to carry some old dear's
shopping the other day.
277
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:11,576
She just looked frightened
and hobbled off like I was some ruffian.
278
00:17:12,220 --> 00:17:16,736
- Well, I don't want to feel like a victim.
- You're not any more. He is.
279
00:17:18,060 --> 00:17:20,415
Just relax. I'll be around.
280
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,209
Yes, I'd better be on my way too.
I'm having lunch with a Zen poet.
281
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:27,337
- I'll be in touch. OK? Ciao.
- (All) Bye.
282
00:17:27,420 --> 00:17:29,058
- Bye, Nails.
- (Jean) Goodbye.
283
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:30,619
(Sandy) Bye.
284
00:17:31,900 --> 00:17:36,337
- Well, it looks as if the cavalry's arrived.
- Where does Alistair get these people?
285
00:17:36,420 --> 00:17:40,174
In the same place that he meets
Mr Two-Buckets, presumably.
286
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,012
I thought you'd be out all day.
287
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:45,536
Yeah, we didn't get far.
Somebody was following us.
288
00:17:45,620 --> 00:17:47,815
Why on earth didn't you tell Nails?
289
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,972
It would've been too late
for him to do anything.
290
00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:54,575
- Did you get a good look at this bloke?
- We didn't.
291
00:17:54,660 --> 00:17:59,211
We tried but all we think we know
is that he was carrying a bugle.
292
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,575
- A bugle?
- Odd, isn't it?
293
00:18:01,660 --> 00:18:03,616
It's eccentric.
294
00:18:03,700 --> 00:18:05,656
Who'd carry a bugle?
295
00:18:05,740 --> 00:18:09,892
What kind of question's that
to be asking on a Saturday afternoon?
296
00:18:09,980 --> 00:18:13,336
- He's got into our lives.
- I hope Nails is in a bad mood
297
00:18:13,420 --> 00:18:15,570
- when he catches him.
- (Door closes)
298
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:18,936
That's Lionel. Don't mention Nails,
you know what Lionel is.
299
00:18:19,660 --> 00:18:21,616
Oh, there you all are.
300
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:23,452
Anyone fancy a drink?
301
00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:37,859
- Drink?
- Yes, please... No, thank you.
302
00:18:37,940 --> 00:18:39,737
Oh, yes, please. Oh...
303
00:18:39,820 --> 00:18:41,731
One of your decisive moods.
304
00:18:41,820 --> 00:18:44,015
Why did you follow Judy and Sandy?
305
00:18:44,100 --> 00:18:48,059
- How do you know I did?
- The bugle was a bit of a giveaway.
306
00:18:48,140 --> 00:18:49,493
Oh.
307
00:18:49,580 --> 00:18:53,368
- Well, why?
- Well, I was hiding behind a music stall...
308
00:18:53,460 --> 00:18:56,338
- No. Why did you follow them?
- Well, it's obvious.
309
00:18:56,420 --> 00:18:59,651
- To keep an eye on them.
- All you did was frighten them.
310
00:18:59,740 --> 00:19:02,208
I couldn't have done. I kept my distance.
311
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:05,531
If this chap turned up,
I could follow him following them.
312
00:19:05,620 --> 00:19:08,088
It's just as well I didn't follow you.
313
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:12,970
Yes, you could've ended up following me
following him following them.
314
00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:16,416
- Except that there wasn't a him.
- Not on this occasion.
315
00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:19,651
- Maybe next time.
- There won't be a next time.
316
00:19:19,740 --> 00:19:22,095
How do you know that?
317
00:19:22,180 --> 00:19:24,216
I have a sort of feeling.
318
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:26,495
Not your best-structured argument.
319
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:29,413
- Intuition.
- Supposition.
320
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:31,695
Based on no evidence whatsoever.
321
00:19:32,420 --> 00:19:34,980
Well? Why should he suddenly stop?
322
00:19:35,060 --> 00:19:37,016
Look, don't get aggressive with me.
323
00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:40,376
You're the one that could've been thrown
on a bric-a-brac stall.
324
00:19:40,460 --> 00:19:45,488
First my body's in a ditch, then a gutter,
now I'm thrown onto a bric-a-brac stall.
325
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:48,731
- You don't know what he's like.
- I'll find out when I catch him.
326
00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:51,618
(Judith) I'm just going to make
some coffee...
327
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:56,091
Oh, you haven't had another row?
What's it about this time?
328
00:19:56,180 --> 00:19:58,455
Ask the Lone Ranger.
329
00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:00,735
Oh, I see.
330
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,697
Look, Lionel,
331
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:05,340
you know how fond we all are of you...
332
00:20:05,420 --> 00:20:08,969
I become suspicious
when anyone starts a sentence like that.
333
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,016
Yes, all right. Well, we are.
334
00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:14,695
And there's no reason
to put yourself in any kind of danger.
335
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,613
- That's just what I've been saying.
- I see.
336
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:21,659
So I sit with a rug over my knees
and let Sandy turn into a nervous wreck?
337
00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:23,173
- Sandy?
- (Sandy) Coming.
338
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:25,569
Being outnumbered
does not make me wrong.
339
00:20:25,660 --> 00:20:29,494
Sandy, tell Lionel that you are not
becoming a nervous wreck.
340
00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:33,095
Of course I'm not. Anyway, everything's
going to be all right now.
341
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:36,011
All right, what's going on?
342
00:20:36,100 --> 00:20:38,773
(All) Absolutely nothing.
343
00:20:38,860 --> 00:20:41,852
Look, I may have my off days
but I'm not a fool.
344
00:20:41,940 --> 00:20:46,058
I saw you when those flowers arrived.
I saw how jumpy you were in the market.
345
00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:49,894
- We thought we were being followed.
- Which they were, by you.
346
00:20:49,980 --> 00:20:51,572
Not that we knew that.
347
00:20:51,660 --> 00:20:54,413
Incidentally, where did you get
that bugle from?
348
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:57,253
Never mind the bugle,
the point I'm making is this -
349
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:59,934
we have a situation
which is quite frightening.
350
00:21:00,020 --> 00:21:04,332
But suddenly everyone seems perfectly
confident that the problem's solved.
351
00:21:04,420 --> 00:21:07,457
When I ask what's going on,
I get three guilty looks
352
00:21:07,540 --> 00:21:09,974
and three half-hearted "Oh, nothings".
353
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:11,618
Well?
354
00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:13,895
I'm gonna go and make some coffee.
355
00:21:16,100 --> 00:21:18,011
I'll make some tea.
356
00:21:19,260 --> 00:21:22,013
What are you gonna make? A cake?
357
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:23,613
Lionel...
358
00:21:24,420 --> 00:21:26,092
I phoned Alistair.
359
00:21:26,180 --> 00:21:27,533
I see.
360
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,212
And he...
361
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:32,098
Well, you know
how many people he knows.
362
00:21:32,180 --> 00:21:34,853
He's found us
a sort of... private detective.
363
00:21:34,940 --> 00:21:36,532
I see.
364
00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:40,408
And he's going to keep an eye on things.
Don't say "I see" again.
365
00:21:40,500 --> 00:21:42,855
Is he... young?
366
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:46,816
- Ish.
- Fit?
367
00:21:46,900 --> 00:21:48,856
- Oh, very.
- Good.
368
00:21:49,740 --> 00:21:52,538
- What?
- It's common sense, call a professional.
369
00:21:52,620 --> 00:21:54,895
I should have thought of it myself.
370
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:56,777
Oh.
371
00:21:56,860 --> 00:22:00,489
Don't look so surprised,
I'm not an unreasonable man.
372
00:22:01,340 --> 00:22:05,652
Now I shall have a custard tart with
either a cup of tea or a cup of coffee.
373
00:22:08,540 --> 00:22:09,893
(Door closes)
374
00:22:11,220 --> 00:22:13,176
I thought we'd given that up.
375
00:22:13,260 --> 00:22:16,377
Judy and Sandy are walking back
from the tube tonight.
376
00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:18,451
- Good grief.
- What?
377
00:22:19,180 --> 00:22:23,093
"Don't worry," you said.
"It's all taken care of," you said.
378
00:22:23,180 --> 00:22:27,696
Alistair's private detective is out there
watching them every step of the way.
379
00:22:27,780 --> 00:22:32,296
And if this whoever-he-is gets
within ten feet of them, he'll nab him.
380
00:22:32,380 --> 00:22:35,292
- Yes, I know.
- So, they're in safe hands.
381
00:22:35,380 --> 00:22:37,336
Now why don't you come to bed?
382
00:22:38,540 --> 00:22:40,098
Oh...
383
00:22:43,540 --> 00:22:45,735
Oh, Lionel.
384
00:22:45,820 --> 00:22:47,572
What if he does nab him?
385
00:22:47,660 --> 00:22:50,618
I don't know.
He's a private detective, he'll know.
386
00:22:50,700 --> 00:22:54,898
Well, he's not actually
a private detective.
387
00:22:54,980 --> 00:22:58,177
Is there such a thing
as a public detective?
388
00:22:58,260 --> 00:23:00,216
I mean, Nails is...
389
00:23:00,300 --> 00:23:02,973
Well, he's sort of freelance, I suppose.
390
00:23:03,780 --> 00:23:06,294
- Nails?
- That's his name.
391
00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,336
- Nails?
- Yes.
392
00:23:09,140 --> 00:23:11,495
He drinks herb tea.
393
00:23:11,580 --> 00:23:13,252
Is that relevant?
394
00:23:13,340 --> 00:23:16,616
- No, I don't suppose so.
- What does he do for a living?
395
00:23:16,700 --> 00:23:19,931
- I'm not sure I really want to know.
- He's a gangster, isn't he?
396
00:23:20,020 --> 00:23:24,411
Something in that area. He said if he
caught this bloke, he'd do "something".
397
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:28,573
- What exactly?
- No, that was it, exactly. "Something."
398
00:23:28,660 --> 00:23:32,858
Well, good. A man who frightens women
like that deserves a damn good hiding.
399
00:23:32,940 --> 00:23:34,896
But what has he actually done?
400
00:23:34,980 --> 00:23:38,575
Followed Sandy a few times
and left flowers on the doorstep.
401
00:23:38,660 --> 00:23:42,130
- He hasn't threatened her.
- Not strictly speaking, no.
402
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:45,656
- Supposing he has a limp.
- Why should he have a limp?
403
00:23:45,740 --> 00:23:47,856
- Or a lisp.
- A lisp?
404
00:23:47,940 --> 00:23:51,649
Perhaps he's shy, perhaps he doesn't
know how to talk to girls.
405
00:23:51,740 --> 00:23:55,813
- We've all been through that stage.
- Some men never do get through it.
406
00:23:55,900 --> 00:23:58,095
Oh, the loneliness must be awful.
407
00:23:59,620 --> 00:24:03,249
One night he sees a beautiful girl
like Sandy, and he follows her.
408
00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:06,298
Just to talk to her, say hello,
but he doesn't know how.
409
00:24:06,380 --> 00:24:10,055
She goes inside so he leaves her flowers
on the doorstep.
410
00:24:10,140 --> 00:24:13,769
- Oh, it's so sad.
- It's a fiction you've just created.
411
00:24:13,860 --> 00:24:16,579
- Yes, but it could be true.
- I suppose it could.
412
00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:21,176
And supposing he follows Sandy tonight
and Nails looms up out of the darkness?
413
00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:24,696
I mean, this "something" might involve
tearing bits off him.
414
00:24:25,940 --> 00:24:28,693
All this assumes that, instead of a lecher,
415
00:24:28,780 --> 00:24:32,693
he has now become a lonely,
love-struck man with a limp and a lisp.
416
00:24:32,780 --> 00:24:35,817
- Not necessarily both.
- It's amazing, isn't it?
417
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:40,451
When I wanted to go out and find him,
he was a psychopath, probably armed.
418
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:44,533
Now your friend Nails is out there,
suddenly he's a figure of pathos.
419
00:24:44,620 --> 00:24:46,576
I'm frightened we overreacted.
420
00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:49,220
- We?
- Me, then, me.
421
00:24:49,300 --> 00:24:52,019
I mean, what have we let loose
out there?
422
00:24:52,100 --> 00:24:54,056
Well, phone him, call him off.
423
00:24:54,140 --> 00:24:57,610
I can't. "You won't see me till I see him,"
that's what he said.
424
00:24:57,700 --> 00:25:00,055
He'll bring his head back in a basket.
425
00:25:00,140 --> 00:25:01,095
Don't!
426
00:25:02,020 --> 00:25:03,578
Where are you going?
427
00:25:03,660 --> 00:25:07,130
Probably to make a complete and utter
fool of myself.
428
00:25:07,820 --> 00:25:09,776
Will you go back to bed?
429
00:25:13,660 --> 00:25:15,935
I am coming with you and that's that.
430
00:25:16,020 --> 00:25:19,535
- I don't want you with me.
- It's not your street.
431
00:25:19,620 --> 00:25:21,178
Oh...
432
00:25:22,540 --> 00:25:24,690
Well, come on, then.
433
00:25:26,060 --> 00:25:29,257
- Should we have brought the bugle?
- Why?
434
00:25:30,540 --> 00:25:32,098
I don't know.
435
00:25:32,180 --> 00:25:34,933
That's just what we need, clear thinking.
436
00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:40,218
(Judith whistling tunelessly)
437
00:25:40,300 --> 00:25:42,256
What's that? I don't recognise it.
438
00:25:42,340 --> 00:25:46,572
Nor do I. I'm just whistling.
It worked in The King And I. (Whistles)
439
00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:49,493
- (Sandy) Shh.
- What?
440
00:25:49,580 --> 00:25:51,536
I hear footsteps behind us.
441
00:25:52,980 --> 00:25:56,017
Just keep walking.
Nails is around here somewhere.
442
00:25:56,100 --> 00:25:58,091
I hope so.
443
00:26:00,180 --> 00:26:02,136
Now what?
444
00:26:02,220 --> 00:26:05,132
- What are they doing?
- I don't know.
445
00:26:15,460 --> 00:26:17,212
- Good evening.
- (Judith) Good evening.
446
00:26:17,300 --> 00:26:19,256
(Jean) Good evening.
(Sandy) Good evening.
447
00:26:19,340 --> 00:26:21,331
(Both) Good evening?
448
00:26:27,980 --> 00:26:29,698
(Jean gasps)
449
00:26:29,780 --> 00:26:31,213
Right.
450
00:26:31,300 --> 00:26:32,972
Lionel!
451
00:26:33,860 --> 00:26:37,170
- Hello, lowlife.
- Get off! Let me go! What are you doing?
452
00:26:37,260 --> 00:26:39,774
- Nails, hang on.
- Don't hurt him.
453
00:26:39,860 --> 00:26:41,373
Hang on.
454
00:26:42,820 --> 00:26:44,333
He's a child.
455
00:26:49,420 --> 00:26:52,651
You know that dustman
you're always having rows with?
456
00:26:52,740 --> 00:26:56,938
- That one who will call me chief?
- Don't let me tell Alistair about him.
457
00:26:57,020 --> 00:26:59,250
Sandy's feeling sorry for that boy now.
458
00:26:59,340 --> 00:27:03,094
So am I. What was he, 15?
He's still at school.
459
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:06,775
He must have bought those flowers
with his pocket money.
460
00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:10,569
In retrospect, we should have just let
Lionel take care of it.
461
00:27:10,660 --> 00:27:12,651
I've been waiting for someone
to say that.
462
00:27:12,740 --> 00:27:17,177
- You're a bit of an old lion at heart.
- Taking care of your herd.
463
00:27:17,260 --> 00:27:19,820
- Pride.
- It's a nice feeling, actually.
464
00:27:19,900 --> 00:27:22,255
It is. Anyone fancy a pickled onion?
465
00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:24,058
- Yes.
- No!
466
00:27:25,780 --> 00:27:27,816
- It's stiff.
- Yes, it is.
467
00:27:28,420 --> 00:27:31,093
- Got it.
- Oh!
468
00:27:31,180 --> 00:27:32,977
- What?
- What?
469
00:27:34,860 --> 00:27:37,135
Nothing. Nothing at all.
470
00:27:39,980 --> 00:27:41,936
(Jean giggles)
471
00:27:44,780 --> 00:27:47,499
# You must remember this
472
00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:50,140
# A kiss is still a kiss
473
00:27:50,220 --> 00:27:53,656
# A sigh is just a sigh
474
00:27:55,580 --> 00:27:59,255
# The fundamental things apply
475
00:27:59,340 --> 00:28:03,333
# As time goes by
476
00:28:06,340 --> 00:28:09,138
# And when two lovers woo
477
00:28:09,220 --> 00:28:11,859
# They still say I love you
478
00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:14,898
# On that you can rely
479
00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:21,658
# The world will always welcome lovers
480
00:28:23,180 --> 00:28:31,053
# As time goes by #
38117
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