All language subtitles for 2002 - Porn `n Chicken

A little sexual frustration combined
with lack of motivation and a

loss of concentration.

I got a strange disease.

College. For most, it's four years of
growth, exploration, and severe

abuse. Not for this poor sap.

That's me, Josh Hutchison, just three
months shy of an Ivy League diploma.

I was kept awake this and every night
with these words pounding my brain.

The future.

The future.

My sole obsession was getting into the
country's top law school.

So I became the kind of student no
admissions committee could reject.

Some would call me a joyless, anal
-retentive tool.

I preferred the term well -rounded.

This is a typical Tuesday.

8 a .m. Urdu.

9 .30.

Fencing. 11.

Work study.

145. Order.

Order. Student council.

Okay, people, moving along.

Next item.

24 -hour cereal bar.

I think what the author's radical
feminist theory is that the balance

an instrument of oppression.

Sorry about my penis.

421, organize my organizer.

430, life drive.

610.

constitutional law with my hero, James
Hoffman. I was the only undergrad ever

take this class.

Some would call me a joyless, anal
-retentive tool. I preferred the term

resourceful. A conundrum of dazzling
complexity, which I'm convinced would

perplexed the framers of the
Constitution themselves.

And that is why... And that is why the
law is like love.

It'll break your heart.

I'll see you on Thursday.

Do you know when my office hours are?

Uh -huh.

Professor Hoffman, I was wondering if
you got that research editory on the U

versus Drayton, the illegal search and
seizure? Yes, all 20 pages.

I only asked for three. I know, but I
found some additional Fourth Amendment

commentary that I found fascinating, and
I thought you might also... It's

springtime. Things are in bloom, you
know what I mean?

Wake up and smell the pheromones, kid.

There's a mating dance going on out
there.

You'll have plenty of time to be a
stressed -out pill when you go to this

school in the fall.

What do you mean, if?

Is this... Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Did you decide to write a recommendation
for me? Yes, which means you're a shoo

-in for the fall.

Oh, sir.

I... I don't know how to thank you. I
do.

Lighten up, okay?

Okay.

Hey, a great lecture, by the way. Get
out of here.

What do you do on the greatest day of
your life?

You celebrate with the love of your
life.

I'm breaking up with you, Hutt.

That little bunny is so funny.

No.

I'm not kidding.

You're serious?

No. That doesn't make any sense. I mean,
everything that we've talked about for

the whole year is finally coming
together. First, I get into law school.

get engaged. That's the plan.

Plan? are meant to be broken. No,
they're not. That's records. Records are

to be broken. Plans you keep.

Why would you do something like this?
You're boring, Hutz.

I've never met a person with so many
interests that's so uninteresting.

But I love you. And you are the worst
lover I've ever had.

Every time I kiss you, it feels like
your tongue is made of sandpaper or

something. And it's really not sexy for
me. What about all those orgasms you

had, huh? Huh? You tell me you faked
those?

No. No, not all of them. No, you had
some.

When I pictured somebody else.

Man,

when she pictured someone else?

Ouch.

Tell me about it.

And we didn't even get to have the this
is the last time we're gonna have sex

sex. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know.

What do you think she was imagining
during her faulty lovemaking?

Do you think it could have been me?

Thank you.

A real source of comfort, you know that
kind?

Why, Terry?

Why would you do this? Why?

Why? Because you're a joyless, anal
-retentive tool who is pathologically

worried about his future. That's not
true.

No, thank you. You know that stuff stays
in your piss for like six months?

I wish I could have rode that monkey
train one more time.

Bleeding and dying guy.

Well, dying and bleeding guy. Thank you.

What?

Terry, don't touch.

Oh, that bitch.

She said he was a lousy lay. Dude. At
least she's honest.

It's okay, man. Andy?

I think it might be time for Hutch to
join us, doing that thing we do.

Do you think he's ready to be doing that
thing we do?

I do.

Dude, you're going to get into law
school, okay? And that's great.

But by working so hard, man, you have
missed out on the most important part of

the college experience.

Drinking your own urine.

Our young minds are oppressed.

And these are the tools of our
liberation.

One case of cheap beer.

In cans.

One bucket of cheap fried chicken in a
bucket.

And finally, one copy of Debbie Does
Downs, a highlight of porn's golden age.

Shall we?

Resistance is futile, Hutchie Poop.
Whatever.

That's right.

Come on.

Hutch.

There you go, buddy.

My initiation into the glorious world of
porno began with this rallying cry.

To acts of perversion and immorality.

Come on, Hutch.

Do it, Hutch. Do it, Hutch. Hutch.

Yeah!

Get some chicken. Get some chicken. It's
70s porn, man.

This is all natural. There's nothing
fake. Bad, bad girl.

Oh, my God, that's what I'm talking
about.

Amazing.

Your mom is amazing.

My architecture model.

You guys, it took me two weeks to make.

Say it in English.

Preferably today.

We need to work.

Shut up!

I did it last minute. Your turn.

Lenny. What, what, what, what, what,
what? How long has it been since you've

slept? No, no, no, no, no. I don't need
to sleep. I need to do my biochemistry

problem. Now I need to do my
architecture model. Now I need to do my

architecture model.

66 hours.

Oh, my God.

What? No, everybody just assumes that
productivity emissions when you get less

sleep, but it's not true. It's so
obvious. I mean, the more hours you

more you get done, right? I mean...
That's right.

That's right, Lenny.

That's right.

What's that? It's a pretty picture.

What's this? It looks like those
beautiful colors. Look at this. This is

Oh, yummy, yummy.

There you go.

There you go. Look at that.

What's this?

Oh, this is a beer.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's good.

Mr. Hardwick, what are you doing? Mr.

Hardwick. Cindy, what are you doing?

I'm just putting a candle in my hoo -ha.

Now, why would you put a candle in your
hoo -ha when you could have my throbbing

what -now -in -your -hoo -ha?

Oh, no!

You're talking!

Get off me, you homeowners!

Get off!

Hey, hey. What? Oh, yeah, I'm taking it.

I'm taking it. Give it to me.

Lenny! What?

What are you doing, man?

What? You're ruining the movie!

Thank you.

So good friends from the CIA.

Have a mug, son.

Learn how to overthrow unfriendly
governments.

This is what we're supposed to do with
our lives?

God, this is so bleak.

Well, what are you going to do next
year?

Open up a philosophy store?

I am not buying what any of these folks
are selling.

That much I would love.

Could you not?

Sorry, guys. My friend has a false sense
of entitlement.

Hey, guys.

Do me a favor. Sign my petition.

You're demanding the administration
offer a human sexuality major? You can

I applaud what you're doing.

My friends and I have done some
pioneering exploration of our own. We

started a club to...

honor and glorify human sexuality.

Fascinating. What do you guys do?

We watch porn.

So, uh, this club, what do you call it?

The Porn and Chicken Club.

Uh -huh.

Yeah, it's a secret organization.

Kind of an underground version of the
secret society that plague our campus.

Why do I get the feeling that you are
totally making all this up?

Well, why don't you come by to one of
our meetings to see what we're all

You'd have to be initiated first, of
course. Oh, of course.

Look, if you guys are for real, I'll
come find you. And if you're not for

I'll come find you anyway, but you won't
like it.

I'm Quentin Randall, by the way.

And this is Hutch.

Polymorphous. Call me Polly.

Polymorphous? I'm polymorphously
perverse, which means I get sexual

from every part of my body.

Yeah.

Who was that?

I don't know.

We better start the club.

You're cordially invited to join our...
How about our... No, our

merry band of sexual revolutionaries.
Right. For the inaugural meeting

of the ultra -secret corn and chicken
club.

arrived promptly at 11 .59 p .m. for a
night of beer, fried chicken, and acts

perversion and immorality, compliments
of the PNZ.

Calls of the porn and chicken charter
mandate that its leaders will never be

known to you. We take no responsibility
for the psychological and moral harm you

will inevitably endure as a result of
your participation in the club.

Any discussion of the club or its
activities will provoke acts of

will torment you for the rest of your
days on earth.

I wrote that.

Prepare to have your mind and perhaps
other part blown.

Quentin wrote that.

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

I guess I'm not supposed to read this,
so here goes.

Here is our invocation.

We are the members of the Porn and
Chicken Club.

Like Socrates and Plato, those lovers of
wisdom,

We seek to educate young men and corrupt
them sexually.

In the quest for insight, we will
penetrate and probe. Going deeper,

longer, faster.

Harder, deeper, harder.

This is how Sunday nights became porn
and chicken nights.

And the days that weren't Sunday?

Well, they sucked.

Those are the longest, biggest bananas I
have ever seen.

Don't you like bananas?

Now, you can really see the influence of
Godard in the overall broad lighting.

The post -screening debates were always
lively and invigorating. Why does a guy

always get to have the money shot when
the women take on the whole load?

Fretting like chlamydia. We had to find
larger accommodations and develop a

series of passwords to keep attendance
down.

Password, please?

Beanie, beanie, beachy. I came, I saw, I
conquered.

My anus is a beautiful flower.

Won't you come taste this sweet nectar?

I forgot the password.

But I'm a freshman.

Come on in.

Look at this joyless Joe.

Screwed straight out of the anal
-retentive toolbox.

I'm in hell!

I'm in hell!

I can't breathe!

Whoa!

You're gonna be all right. I knew it,
Albert.

I'm the one we have to cure.

We were expressing ourselves in totally
new ways.

I'm king of the world!

Turning fantasies into reality.

We were finding out who we really were
and what we really wanted

to be.

Very luscious strawberry, you.

You look different.

Yeah?

I mean, you look good.

Really good. So what have you been up
to?

You know, rockin', rollin', whatnot.

You should see the things that my tongue
can do now.

Before the PNC, I couldn't even jerk off
without scheduling it in my Palm Pilot.

But I was no longer an anal -retentive
tool. I was spontaneous, liberated,

and so was everyone else.

I looked over our creation and thought,
yeah, hell yeah.

You saved my life, man.

We were having so much fun. I almost
forgot why we started the club to begin

with.

So what's your pleasure?

Bread for five.

Chicken, chicken.

I'm a vegetarian.

Okay, do you want a beer or anything? I
don't drink.

Okay.

Well, I guess all I really got to offer
then is a Saturday night fever.

Perfect.

Yeah? Yeah.

That night was perfect, with the
exception of one uninvited guest who was

to turn our private party into a public
spectacle.

Have you read this article? Of course I
read the article, Roger. And I have to

compliment you.

Roger H. Stone, Center for Research.

Perfect name for the library.

I'm not talking about that article,
Richard. And you know it.

I'm talking about the future Larry
Flint.

I think that's just an innocent prank.
Come on, it's certainly more innocuous

than the stuff we used to do when we
were undergrads.

Remember back in 71, we occupied this
office for three days. He sat right

for three days.

We were fighting the man.

Now we are the man.

Can I confide something in you?

Sure.

I'm seriously considering running next
year.

You know, I didn't want to say anything,
but you have been putting on a little

weight. You know, I've been doing
Pilates.

For governor, you don't.

Oh!

Oh, well.

Well, that's wonderful, Roger. I didn't
know you were interested in politics.

I'll be looking for a few capable men to
help me run my administration.

I will do everything I can to serve my
country or state.

You know that. This library is a very
important move for me, Richard.

I can't afford to be embarrassed by
these kids.

Deal with them, Dick.

Weekly circle jerk does not make you
revolutionary.

We're getting people to loosen up and
enjoy life. I think that's saying

something. Look at this guy right here.
Case in point.

Okay, whatever. But what's the next
step?

I mean, we have a chance to really shake
it up.

Okay, well, what do you propose? I
propose let's stop watching porn and

of our own.

Huh? We could really change a lot of
attitudes. We could really have a lot of

sex.

Three pumps and a squirt.

I'm not going in here.

Does that rat hole slumlord pay you to
lay your body in front of doors?

Peace.

Local ordinance requires me to tell you
that my hands are deadly weapons.

I bet you got deadly thighs, too.

But I'm warning you, I'm a black belt.

Okay, guys.

Okay, so I think we're about ready to
hear some of your ideas for the movie.

Parents would just swell with pride if
they knew what you were doing here

tonight. It's just the kind of
extracurricular activity that makes your

sparkle.

Serving alcohol to minors while
trespassing on university property.

That's not good.

Who's in charge here?

Nobody knows.

It's a secret organization.

Secret?

What's your name?

Quentin Randall.

Arthur's boy?

Afraid so.

What do you think your father would say
about all this?

Move over, son.

You're blocking the porn.

Shut up.

All of you.

Josh Hutchinson?

Yes, sir.

Is this any way for student body
treasurer to behave?

It's funny that you should bring that
up. Step aside, Sonder.

Now, I am warning you.

Give me that.

This club is officially terminated. If I
even hear rumor of another meeting, you

will all be dealt with in a severe...

What are we going to do now?

Okay, so we lay low for a little while,
meetings, back at our place, and no new

members. Were you there tonight?

Wyatt knows who we are.

Which is why I'm saying if we want to
keep going, we have to be smart about

What? No way.

I'm sorry. I'm not going to ruin my
whole future just to make some stupid

movie. I'm sorry. I'm not.

What are you saying?

I'm saying that the club is finished.

Come on. Didn't this mean something or
was it just a party?

It was just a party.

It was a great party.

You guys are just cowards.

So that's it, huh? You're just going to
shut it down?

I thought you had a mind of your own. I
do. Well, it's not one I'm interested

in.

Quentin, wait up.

I'm just going to go wander up and down.

I'll see you later. I'm going to go to
bed.

What is going on?

I'll see you tomorrow.

I've never been so serious.

PNC, life lost a bit of its spark. Why
you put it away?

Leroy, it's time just to go away. No,
you can't put it away.

I don't want to stand up. I don't want
to stand up.

When I pulled the plug, I inadvertently
killed Andy's puppet and

silenced Lenny's drums.

Hey, Hutch.

Hey, what are you doing?

I just want to say, uh...

I really thought the club would help me
lose my virginity before graduation.

Lenny. And even though that didn't
happen, horn and chicken was the

college for me.

So... Thanks.

Lenny, you're not a virgin.

Even if it was with your stepsister,
that still technically counts as sex.

Yeah.

I lied about that.

I'm sorry. Of all the stories you could
have told, you went with incest.

Well, it seemed the most plausible.

Quentin continued his important research
on the applications of hemp.

All right, let's go. I'm ready. Here we
go. Yeah, I've been here. You ready?

Yeah.

Hey,

Cliff.

I've got to write a paper about Sartre,
and I'm a little... I don't know. I

mean, this whole...

existence precedes essence thing.

I know he's saying that when we're born,
we're like a blank slate, but is that

it? And how do I write ten pages about
that?

Well, Hutch, existentialism really all
boils down to this.

If you want to eat a pizza, eat a pizza.

Right, Cliff?

Right. Thank you.

Thanks.

You want to get a pizza? Yeah.

Hey, excuse me, I'm working on a
petition.

Hi, are you in a rush? I'm working on
this petition for a human sexuality

I

knew

they were going somewhere to get naked
together.

I just didn't think I'd have to watch.

As an entrepreneur, Roger H. Stone has
single -handedly transformed the

telecommunications industry.

And now he has come back to the
university that educated him to alter

landscape once again.

Literally.

Ladies and gentlemen, Roger H. Stone.

Thank you, Dick.

You're very kind.

Our state -of -the -art facilities will
encourage cutting -edge research and

exciting discoveries.

Naked chickens, naked chickens. Get
them, Jim.

Where are you going?

I'm not finished.

Get

back

here, you freaking chickens.

Find these kids, or it'll be your ass.

Challenging the system requires a little
sacrifice.

Challenging the system? You were running
around naked, shouting into a bullhorn

with a chicken mask on your head. Come
on, men. Viva la revolución.

Yeah. Guys, we got over 100 emails in
the box, man.

There's more coming in every minute.

Everybody loves a sexy chicken.

Yeah, baby.

Fuck off.

We also got one from the New York Times.
They want to interview us. That's just

great. Why don't we give a naked press
conference? That's a good idea, Hutch.

What's her damage?

I didn't realize how right I was.

Future.

In all my rage, I'd forgotten.

Law school admission letters had been
sent out.

Credit card, letter from Aunt Jan,
prescription of barely legal, there it

The answer that would determine the
course of my life.

And the verdict?

Get a new life, pal.

No, no, no, no.

I'm sorry. I was rooting for you.
Rooting for me?

I thought I was a shoo -in.

Is there anything that you can do?

You're young.

You got your whole life. You'll be fine.

Thank you, but isn't there anything that
you can do?

Listen, I'd like to help you, but...

I got some bad news of my own I just
heard from the tenure committee.

I'm out.

What? I gotta go find a real job.

What happened?

There were some disgruntled students who
fabricated a false complaint against

me.

What kind of complaint?

They used this incoherent, politically
correct jargon. I think they called it

inappropriate sexual relations with
multiple students.

How many students?

How many did I have relations with or
how many complained?

How many complained?

I don't know, 16?

16? What does it matter, Hutch?

I am the subject of a witch hunt.

So you didn't have any sexual relations
with students?

Of course I did.

But there was nothing inappropriate
about them.

Now this is just great.

I'd have to ask one sexual deviant on
the faculty to write my recommendation.

First of all, I am far from being the
only sexual deviant on the faculty.

Second of all, that hurt my feelings.

Captain, my captain.

It's my cereal.

This is your letter.

Hutch, are you there? It's Professor
Hoffman.

Listen, I'm sorry I couldn't help you.

I admit it. I'm a fraud.

Professor James Hoffman is a gigantic
fraud.

I hate the law.

The only reason I come to work is to
collect a paycheck and see how many

years I can bang.

Anyway, I hope we can still be friends.

Give me a call.

I did everything right.

Everything. Who the hell do they let
into this law school anyways?

Dude, I'm not going to go or anything. I
just applied to get the old man off my

back.

Yeah, that makes me feel better.

You know, it didn't hurt that he made an
obscene donation to the law school.

I mean, that's how the system works,
Hutch.

I mean, do you really want to be part of
something as corrupt as that?

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I do. Have you been
listening to me for the last four years?

I don't...

Come on, don't do that, man. I would be
careful. That's pretty potent stuff for

a first -timer, man. Are you sure
you're... Oh, God.

Okay, um... Okay,

all right, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm
coming. Here, drink some of this.

That's better.

Okay, cheers.

There you go. Okay, wait, breathe.

Breathe.

Okay.

You all right?

Okay, you feeling a little better?

I'm, uh, I'm okay.

Okay.

I feel like I'm shrinking.

You're what?

I'm shrinking?

Ben Hutch, are you okay, bro?

That night was tap night.

The night all the secret societies
performed their initiation.

Yeah. Let's just say that it wasn't the
ideal night to get stoned for the first

time.

What's the matter, Sean?

What you kicking, man? Just my regular
stuff.

Pudge! Can you hear me? Are you okay?

He's fine, man. Not deaf.

I've been looking for you guys.

We've been looking for you.

If you want to eat a pizza, eat a pizza.
When you told me that, I thought you

were with me.

Yeah, I was. No, you weren't.

predetermined course for my life. I
don't have to be what my mom wants me to

or what my dad wants me to be, or what
my professors want me to be, or what

society wants me to be.

Who do you want me to be?

I'm free to do as I please.

Don't shake me out, bitch!

Oh my God, don't shake it!

This is the most me that I've ever been.
That guy at the meetings, that was the

real me. That guy that was trying to get
into law school. I was just a drag!

I say we tell Whitehead

that he can't stop us from being
ourselves.

I say we make a porno.

back something you never had. Well, I'm
going to get her now.

Yeah, well, not if I get her. Get down.

Rise and shine, future leaders of the
world. This is Andrea Newley bringing

all that's vital and verite on our fair
campus each and every a .m. Today in

studio, we have the radical stylings of
Horn and Tickin, the secret and newly

infamous club that has captured the
imaginations of horny young co -eds

everywhere.

They come to us this morning, a people
besieged, pressured by the

to cease their activities and turn
themselves into justice.

Please, introduce yourselves.

Hi, I'm Harry Pence.

Sandy Crack. Man with wine.

Vagina Johnson.

And this is Yanni Papsner. The gang of
five, all present and accounted for.

You get together once a week to watch
pornography and eat fried chicken.

True. Why?

Well, because fried chicken is
delicious.

True. And pornography is video of people
having sex with each other. True. But

we should caution your listeners not to
try other food.

Yogurt, for example, that's very
unappetizing, even confusing.

Roast beef, fish tacos, guacamole,
yeasty bread. All right, all right,

well taken. Miss Johnson, please call me
Vagina. Okay, Vagina. What brought you

into the fold, as it were?

Well, Andrea, I'm a sex exhibitionist,
and I'm here to say that intercourse is

empowering, not shameful.

But is it really empowering to sit
around with a bunch of horny guys and

Glad He Ate Her? Oh, good film. I admit,
the first time I watched a film with

these boys, I thought they all had
boners and wanted to whack off, but

because I was there.

I'm crazy, bitch.

Okay, and now that you've spent more
time with them?

I see I was right.

Well, you're here this morning to
deliver a very important message.

Yes, Andrea, we're launching a full
-blown talent search for actors and crew

members to help us produce the Ivy
League's first feature -length erotic

entitled The Stat.

There's something grand about being
nothing.

There's something lame about being
grand.

The fact is a coming -of -age story
about a group of Ivy League students

whose erotic journey leads them to a
place of self -knowledge.

They join a secret society.

and participate in sexual initiations
that take place all over campus,

culminating with an orgy scene in the
stacks.

Our hero, Andy, was cursed with an
elephant -sized penis,

which has always made him an outsider.

We are embarking on a process that will
explore honest and beautiful,

exploitation -free sexuality.

So, who's first? I'll go.

Over here. You! Do you bite your thumb
at me, sir?

No, I do not bite my thumb at you, but I
do bite my thumb!

Do you, Waru, sir? Waru, sir? No, sir!

Pink foal.

Warm and wet.

That was the second time Mother locked
me in the closet.

But it was also the time I got to know
Mom.

Hey, I'm the janitor. I saw a flyer up
in the bathroom that you're looking for

chicken. I'd like chicken.

Now there shall be a song in Purdue for
you.

This here is Darlene. She's going to be
my scene partner.

After.

on a national television broadcast.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Hi, I'm Lucy
Sanchez for Channel 12 News. Could I ask

a few questions, please?

Yeah, sure.

Do you know the leaders of the Porn and
Chicken Club?

No one does. They're a secret
organization.

Have you attended any of their meetings?

No, but my friend's girlfriend was there
once, and she told him that everyone

was doing ecstasy and getting naked, and
then it turned into a full -on orgy.

What? Yo, I wish I was at that party.
Where was I?

the fried chicken? Gorn?

Gorn? God, no.

The club is really hot.

Oh, hello.

The things are hot. The dudes are hot.

It's an abomination and a perversion of
God's will. This pornographic chicken

club is... Oh, come on. At least get our
name -writing self -righteousness off.

They should be expelled.

I'm here because...

My clients have become the target for
the slanderous smear campaign.

Your clients?

The university is obviously afraid of
free speech, whether it comes from a

of bold students or a brilliant law
professor who is denied tenure.

You know, that's your mentor, kid.

You're shameless.

Roger Stone threatened to withdraw his
multi -million dollar endowment for the

new library in light of this
controversy. Isn't that true?

Roger Stone is a wise man and a great
man, and he's always been a friend of

university. That's all I have to say at
this time.

With pressure mounted, we will get those
perverts.

I promise you that.

You really mean it? With pressure
bouncing from the administration, the

question here is whether the PNC can
pull off their audacious plan. As one

member told me, don't count out these
chickens before they hatch.

This is Lucy Sanchez, Channel 12 News.

The university is a private institution,
so it's not illegal for them to

restrict free speech.

Add to that that Dean has complete
discretion in disciplinary matters.

And he basically has the power to expel
you if he wants to.

So we're screwed.

Not necessarily.

But my advice to you would be try not to
get caught.

You promised you...

You're not going to say anything, right?

Hutch, there's a guarantee of privacy in
the attorney -client relationship.

Not that you're my client, but I'm
available to you guys, you know, if it

ever become necessary.

Thanks.

What? No, I mean, it's just I had you
pegged, right, for this uptight...

That a freaking bore.

I mean, who would have guessed? Josh
Hutchinson, sexual revolutionary.

Yeah, it's funny how people are not what
they seem to be. Let me ask you

something. Are you going to have any rug
bumping in this little picture of

yours? You know, rug bumping.

Do you know what that is?

In spite of our sticky situation, we
went ahead with pre -production.

Andy handled publicity.

We called him the Minister of
Misinformation.

He got so busy he had to bring on a
volunteer staff.

You can tell Connie to love me long
time.

That's right, this is Tom Brokaw here
telling you to lick my sack.

What are we going to do with this guy
from the New York Times? He's really

persistent.

Tell him that if he can bring Ron
Jeremy, and Ron Jeremy can bring Jenna

Jameson, then, my friend, we are in
business.

So, does anybody have any questions?

Um, you are an actor, producer,
director, an erotic cinema auteur, if

you will, and I'm wondering how you
account for your longevity in this

Well, after eight years of studying to
experience the love phase, I learned I

can kiss my own penis, and that... Got
me a job.

Jenna, what do you think about the
progress you've made for human sexuality

women's sexuality and the acceptance of
that? I try to, like, be a role model

sexually to these women, and I give as
many tips as possible. Like, don't use

lube. Use spit. All you guys, think
about this. The bush is wild and

The bush is wild and untenant. Polly and
I work with the actors. We ask them to

listen and just be open to the moment.

Good, good, good.

Okay, now try your manhood at the girth
of a tuna can.

Lenny and his new friend Maya were in
charge of special effects.

Aim.

Fire.

Oh, I'm sorry, Billy, you got sploosh in
your eye.

This stuff actually looks pretty good.
Yeah.

No, no, no, please, please, don't,
please, please, don't, don't, please.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, you are dead!

I cannot believe that.

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes.

What

is this

stuff anyway?

Yogurt, cream cheese, baccal.

Yum.

I'm a virgin.

I'll be gentle.

That night, two things happened for the
first time in Lenny's life.

He shared his bed with someone.

And he slept like a baby.

Dominate me. That is so disturbing.

Take that off.

Lighten up, would you?

What is this for?

That's a riding crop. It goes up the
ass. Oh, excellent. I think this

between Tatiana and me is just a little
heavy -handed, don't you?

No, the dialogue, it's an interesting
take on how doggy style is an affront to

women's empowerment.

So you and a woman, that's something
that you've done before?

Yes.

What?

You're adventurous.

It's my research.

Is Quentin still part of your research?

Not that it's any of your business, but
he never was.

Never? Never.

Never? Never.

We worked together and that's it.

Maybe he wanted more.

Yeah, you think?

And I didn't fall for his Don Juan
shtick.

You should have given me a little more
credit.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so when you think about it, all
the bloodbaths in history are basically

arguments about sex.

Right? Okay. I mean, war is sexual
frustration channeled into violence. So

just makes sense to me that healthy
sexuality will ultimately lead to world

peace.

I never really thought about it like
that.

It is so cool that you have a real
passion about something.

What are you passionate about?

Ow. Ow.

God. Whoa. Damn it. What was that?

You asked me what I was passionate
about. I thought it was an invitation.

wasn't. Good. I'm glad we got that
cleared up. Look, I'm sorry. I just have

rule about first kisses. They have to be
original.

Original? It's a kiss. It's not a T
-shirt.

Oh, come on. The old goodnight kiss at
the door?

I'm sorry.

I could serenade you in Urdu. Well, you
should have thought of that before.

Polly, would you just wait a second?

Oh, God.

See that?

Thanks.

No, thanks a lot.

Man, listen, the girl is wild, all
right?

She's not digging this whole humble
Midwestern charm thing you got going on.

mean, your approach is so like, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, golly, Polly. I sure

would enjoy it if you lick my love. I
mean, come on. That hasn't gotten

hot since 1942.

I know.

So what am I supposed to do?

Well, think big and bold.

Like my penis.

Big help. Yeah, big help is exactly what
it would be. It's beefy.

I can't shut up. My penis must be
recognized.

The night before production began, we
had a kickoff party.

Everyone came dressed as their favorite
porn cliche.

Hi. Hi.

Can you pick up a package?

Oh, yeah. It's right down here.

Oh, that's a really big package.

Yeah. You're going to have to pay extra
for both.

I just wondered, I don't know, if tall
bunnies like mangoes.

And tall bunnies like mangoes?

You get it?

Bunnies?

Okay.

You're going to remember what to say
when she gets here, right? Yes. Jesus

Christ, relax.

Kid, you are a total stud.

You're right.

I am a stud.

That's right, judge.

You know, you might get a little action
tonight if you're lucky, you know?

You know, I've actually been getting a
little action for a couple weeks now.

You dog!

You want her?

You know, I think you might have met
her.

Her?

You mean her? You're confusing your
pronouns.

Hutch, I'm gay.

Oh, is this the new character?

Is this the, like, the serious gay man?

You know, Hutch, for once, I'm not
kidding.

You just forgot to mention this for four
years.

I did not forget to mention anything.

Look, I did not want to be the gay kid.

Take it out on me, okay? I wanted to be
the funny kid who had friends.

And now I can be the funny gay kid who's
gay and funny.

You're serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Better get it
right.

Curly.

Curly, curly, curly.

You look marvelous.

So do you.

You have slept with more girls than I
have.

What does that say about you, Tiger?

You know, let's go see if we can get you
another merit badge. Oh, I know just

the one.

About Facebook. Yes, sir.

This is good.

This is a 15 -year -old single malt
scotch.

How would you like to come back to my
room and try a 21 -year -old?

You are going to give me the story,
right?

Anything you want.

Hello?

Somebody told me there was a surprise in
here for me.

a seduction?

Ah, no.

I was trying to be original.

Well, you definitely succeeded there.

I know.

I know.

I'm an idiot.

Are you waiting for me to disagree?

Look, Polly, I'm not a wild man. I'm
just me, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

So I gotta know. Who?

How was I?

What?

You know.

As a lover.

Oh, God.

Come on, tell me. I can handle the
truth.

Okay. You were... You were very...

tender.

Tender. Whoa!

You flatter me.

Tender is good.

Are you saying I was good?

Yeah.

How was I?

You were okay. I almost climaxed that
last time. I mean, you could still use a

few of my lessons.

Hey, is that what you're going to do
after graduation?

Become a love instructor? You know what?
I think it would be exciting.

What? I would like to get a car, and in
said car, I would like to put all my

possessions, and then just head out to
California without any type of plan,

to see what's out there.

Traffic, smog, the real porno industry.

You could come with me.

I think one porno is enough for me.

I'm serious.

I know.

You should go.

I would like to.

I've never really been spontaneous.

Yeah, well, maybe you could start.

Okay. That is weird.

Oh, good.

His girlfriend.

But the pan was evil.

So he threw it away.

Because his girlfriend needed a clean
pan.

And an egg.

And another egg.

But a shell intervened.

Trying to cut up her spleen.

Breakfast in bed.

I gotta go.

But I made breakfast in bed. No, that's
so sweet.

You know, it's customary for people to
have breakfast in bed in bed.

It's just the shoot's tonight, and I
have a ton of work to do. Oh, come on.

Just hang out for a bit. I don't have
time for this.

I'll see you tonight, huh?

I've been thinking about it, bro.

Man, you could have Polly.

You haven't played full as it is.

Ah, God!

The library will be closing in five
minutes.

The library will be closing in five
minutes.

More cream cheese. Dad.

Pickle. Check.

Squash. Check.

Zucchini. Are you guys making a porn
movie or a salad?

Check.

Corn on the cob.

Can I talk to you for a second? What?

Alone.

Excuse me.

Look, I've been having some thoughts
about this scene. Yeah.

You know, I don't think that you should
do it. Why not? Oh, oh, you think just

because we slept together I shouldn't be
intimate with anyone else?

What's wrong with that? You know what?
Don't be so conventional.

I'm not... You know how much this
project means to me. What about me? Do

even like me? I don't have a boyfriend,
okay?

It's not what I do. I'm really...

focus on this project, and I just, I
don't have time to play with you right

Okay, but I still don't think that you
need to have vegetable sex with a what's

-her -name on my friend's film. You know
what? It's gonna be tasteful.

Tasteful? You're gonna stick a zucchini
up your... Well, what's the deal? Excuse

me, we're trying to have a conversation
here. Well, I have a question.

Am I gonna do you first, or are you
gonna do me?

You're an orphan, remember?

The only family you'll ever know.

The first time I think of this is an
accident.

Yes, but you don't know I may be
disfigured. You don't know I may be

things.

Shut up!

Come on!

Oh, hi.

Anyone feel like a movie this evening?

It's fun, isn't it?

After all the suspense, we finally
reached a climax.

Pamela?

What are you doing here?

Escort this young woman to my office,
please.

I'm not going anywhere. I said I'm not
going anywhere.

Pamela, just go.

Neither one of us would want your father
to know about this, would we?

Come over here.

You thought shooting pornographic
footage of Roger H. Stone's daughter

embarrass me, hurt my career?

You know, you're right, I probably could
have. Good thing I caught you.

Well, see everybody tomorrow,
disciplinary committee?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, hey.

You guys really struck a blow for
freedom.

Thanks. Good night, Richard.

It's Dick.

This is unreal.

One lousy week before graduation.

You know what I can't wait? I can't wait
to call my parents. That's going to be

fun. Hey, Mom, Dad, guess what? I just
got kicked out of school for making a

porno. Oh, by the way, I'm gay.

Hey, any news?

I left a message.

Another woman.

Girlfriend sold us out, Hutch.

Deal with it. And inviting that paragon
of journalism to the party, that was a

great idea. Just open it up for anyone.
You know what? I covered my tracks, man.

I told her we were shooting in the chem
lab. She got kicked off campus for

interrupting a final. Come on, Hutch.
What are the chances of actually finding

girlfriend who loves porn?

I just got back from Whitehead's office.

You guys are going to be expelled.

Oh, that's great.

But not you, Pamela Stone.

No.

Congratulations. I'm sorry, okay?

Yeah, I should have told you guys who my
father was, but you know what?

Whenever I do that, people make
assumptions about me. They think I'm

activist to get Daddy's attention, or
they try to use me to get something from

my dad.

Are you any different?

It's just... Simpler. Being polymorphic.
Polly doesn't get any special

treatment.

What do you think you're getting right
now?

I'm going with you to the disciplinary
council tomorrow. I'm taking

responsibility for my part in this.
Thank you, but what good is that going

do? We're already expelled.

I'm a part of this, too.

If you guys get expelled, so am I.
Whatever happens to you happens to me,

You know, we're getting kicked out of
school for a movie we never made.

The irony is very postmodern, if you
think about it.

Oh, my God.

That's it.

Oh, that is beautiful.

What are you talking about?

We never made the movie.

Oh, my God. We never made...

We never made the movie.

Blackmail.

That's right, baby. We're making a
movie.

It's one for you, mother.

Oh, yeah. I got wood.

I'd like to show you what we did that
night, because it was hands down the

work of my college career.

Remember what we worked on?

But I've been sworn to secrecy.

Our movie is the private property of the
PNC, and we made a solemn vow that no

one else would ever see it.

Well, uh, almost no one.

supposed to be in the library after
hours but dean white oh no i'm hungry

knowledge very hungry wait a second i
recognize you you're one

of those troublemakers trying to make a
blow for freedom

There must be some passion in there
somewhere.

Lucy is the thought that I may never
kiss those lips again

media was eating up everything we had to
offer. And what we had to offer was a

videotape of the future governor's
daughter being violated by a zucchini.

The disciplinary council had nothing on
us.

Yeah, in light of new evidence, we're
going to have to postpone these hearings

until a later date. The defendants will
see me in my office immediately.

All right, settle down, settle down.

Wonderful.

Sit down.

Hi,

Daddy.

Pamela?

Are you polymorphous or Vagina Johnson?

Both.

Take those damn glasses off and get some
clothes on.

Sir, I just want to say that truly it's
an honor, and I do think the world of

your daughter, and I'm sorry that we had
to meet under such, I don't know, I

guess funny circumstances. Right. I
really admire... Have a seat. Okay.

I gotta hand it to you kids.

You put Dick and me in a...

A tight spot.

And that's right where we like Dick.

You're on thin ice, friend.

There are other copies of this tape, I
presume?

And a lot more where that came from.

Dick?

George Roboski.

Whose father is that?

Does your father enjoy working at Ready
Electronic?

Because I've just acquired that company.
And I'm thinking about doing a little

downsizing.

I've got all your parents' names.

And your aunts and your uncles.

Do you piss aunts realize what you've
gotten yourselves into?

I have the means and the will to destroy
you and your families.

The things you boys did to my... my
Pamela. Daddy,

I enjoyed it.

Dick?

Right.

Mr. Hutchinson.

Yes, sir.

The law school admissions office has
notified me of an opening that would

you off the waiting list for next fall.

I'm not on the waiting list, sir.

That's not what my records indicate.

You'll all receive perks.

If you give us every one of those tapes
and sign a confidentiality agreement.

Oh, well, I see you got a glowing
recommendation from Professor Hoffman.

Yeah, he was nice enough to tell us
about your little movie, so we let him

his job.

Good afternoon.

fraud.

I hate the law.

The only reason I come to work is to
collect a paycheck. Turn it off!

Controversial law professor received
tenure.

All he had to do was name a few names.

I would like to propose a toast.

Propose. To selling out.

Never selling out.

Selling out only when absolutely
necessary.

Alright.

I'm really going to miss you guys.

Okay, one more. Here we go. Acts of
perversion and immorality.

Okay. I'll take that.

This

was

the last official meeting of the Porn
and Chicken Club.

One more night of careless revelry, and
then it was time to face our future.

to begin a life in the theater.

Oh, I just love Mexico.

Oh, no. Do you want some salsa?

Well, I do love a good hot salsa.

Let me just get it over here, huh?

Such a big burrito.

Lenny and Maya pursued ethnomusicology
and cultivated a modest following at a

local watering hole.

Quentin became one of the founders of
the Toke Party, which advocates the use

hemp for medicinal, industrial, and
recreational purposes.

He continues to do research on the use
of this versatile, sticky green

substance. Polly stayed on campus to
become the academic coordinator for the

newly offered human sexuality major.

As for me, well, whatever future I

chose, I knew it would finally be my
own.

Nice wheels.

Yeah, Professor Copeland got a new car.
He gave me a deal.

Forty. You think?

Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah.

So, um, California, huh?

Yep.

You lose your soul out there, you know.

I'm bound to go sooner or later.

So, uh, you got any plans?

Not yet.

You're just going to see what's out
there, right?

I know you already told me. Smog,
traffic, the real porno industry.

Oh, I almost forgot. I brought you this
for the drive in case you get bored.

My ass thanks you.

You know, there's still room in the car.

My work is here.

I know.

Good luck, Hyde.

Me too, Polly.

I think I'm going to be Pamela from now
on.

Okay.

Good luck, Pamela.

Keep in touch, okay?

You rock, my

world.

Porn and sicken helped us realize who we
really were and what we really wanted

to be. Because, now listen close
friends, fried chicken tastes great. And

is video of people having sex with each
other.

This is the wisdom that changed our
lives and the legacy we leave for future

generations.

Sugar Happy TV, Thursday night at 10
.30, only on Comedy Central.

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Old lady, please shut up.

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