Original subtitles

I am so happy you are letting me do this.

Oh, come on. You painting a mural for the baby

is such a sweet gift.

All Jeff wanted to do was put up some Pearl Jam posters.

Well, Jen is an amazing artist.

She was the face painter at her nephew's fifth birthday party,

and she painted me a Bengal tiger.

It scared the crap out of that one kid, huh?

(MIMICS GROWLING)

JEFF: I'm home.

I'm in the baby's room.

JEFF: Is there any chance I'm gonna get some tonight?

The answer will determine my scotch intake.

Is this an intervention?

No, but we should probably squeeze one in before the baby comes.

No, Jen offered to paint a mural on the wall as a gift for the baby.

Oh, great, now I don't have to spend any more money decorating this room.

I am gonna go pick up some dinner for us, our treat.

And the universe corrects itself.

So, Jeff, you got any big plans for this Saturday night?

(HUFFS)

What's the right answer?

Uh, no.

Sure, you don't.

(GIGGLES)

Okay, buddy.

You play it your way. (MIMICS BEEPING)

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

My way is walking away from you right now.

Oh, what's with the giggling, Anderson Cooper?

Okay, I'm not sure who that is,

but Jeff and the guys are planning to throw me

a surprise bachelor party Saturday.

How do you know?

Well, I've been dropping some hint bombs.

And I overheard Jeff and Russell

whispering something about Saturday night.

Plus, this morning, Jeff was by the elevator,

and he saw me coming, and he went up the stairs.

Well, that all adds up.

(SIGHS)

I just don't want you to be disappointed

if they didn't end up planning anything.

Listen, honey, I know the guys like to tease me

and draw things on my face when I'm sleeping,

but they're not gonna pass up a bachelor party.

You know, I mean, it'll give them a chance

to see me act like an idiot.

A rare treat.

(CHUCKLES) I know.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, do you think they'll kidnap me?

I hope they do, I've always wanted to be kidnapped.

All right, I am going to start painting. I'll see you at home.

Mmm-hmm. Bye.

(SIGHS)

I guess I won't be seeing you anytime soon, hmm?

Especially this Saturday night.

(GIGGLES)

What is he, high?

No.

Maybe. I don't know anymore.

I... (SIGHS)

What are you planning for him?

When he nods off later,

I was gonna draw a wang on his face.

You can drop the act. He knows.

And I don't care where you take him.

Just don't leave him alone.

You know how he wanders off.

Look, I'm not married to you,

so I'm not required to figure out what you're talking about.

Adam overheard you and Russell making plans

for his bachelor party Saturday night.

No.

He heard us making plans to go to a movie without him.

Why?

Aw, you've seen a movie with him!

"Who is that guy?"

"What are they doing?"

"Do you think they're really doing it?"

I get it,

but he is absolutely sure

that you guys are planning a surprise bachelor party for him.

Well, we're not, so...

Surprise.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Okay, here's what's happening, you thoughtless turds.

You are throwing Adam a surprise bachelor party.

He is expecting it,

and I do not want him to be disappointed before the wedding.

That's smart. Save it for after.

Zip it, you albino smurf.

Now, listen.

For some reason, Adam idolizes you guys,

even though you treat him like crap.

I mean, did it ever occur to you

to even throw him a bachelor party?

To be honest, I thought you guys were already married.

I didn't believe you were ever gonna do it.

I mean, you've been engaged forever.

Yeah. TIMMY: Yes.

As they say in my country,

"Go number two, or get off the loo."

Well, we are getting married,

and you are surprising him with a bachelor party.

Here are your itineraries.

Come on.

Vegas, cocktails, cigars.

I'm not seeing anything I hate.

Yep, a little gambling, steak dinner.

Jennifer, there's a... (CHUCKLES)

May be a misprint.

There's no mention of any entertainment.

Do we understand each other?

You wanna see boobies?

Well, if you're offering. Take five, guys.

Well, Ms. Morgan has charged me

with finding strippers who are, and I quote,

"Just this side of nasty."

We'll stay on this side.

BOTH: We're gonna go to the other side.

Hey.

Ready for your guy's weekend?

Oh, as soon as Russell and his manservant get here.

You guys, I'm all done with the mural.

Come take a look.

It's beautiful! I love it.

Oh, I am so glad.

And since you're having a girl, I worked in some extra pink.

What do you think, Jeff?

It's the best mural in the apartment.

I'm so happy I could do this for you guys.

All right, I'm gonna go home

and make sure Adam's ready for his surprise.

Thanks again.

So, what do you really think?

I like it. Oh, why?

What silly thing are you gonna complain about?

Nothing, other than it looks like a giant penis.

What? That's crazy.

Well, sure, I could see, given your frame of reference,

that you wouldn't think this was giant,

but that's a wiener.

Okay.

Jeff, that does not look like that, okay?

That is an adorable giraffe, okay?

It has a long, pink neck.

Oh, my God.

There you go.

No, come on we're overreacting.

Nobody else is even gonna see.

What's with the monster rod?

Well, of course Russell sees it.

He's a disgusting pervert.

Hey, come on, now.

Well, that's fair. Yeah.

(JEFF CHUCKLES)

What do you think, Timmy?

There is something vaguely phallic about it.

(CHUCKLES) You're gay!

Sir, you just said the exact same thing yourself.

Yeah, but my tongue didn't roll out of my head

like a cartoon coyote when I said it.

Look, when I go over to get Adam,

I'm just gonna tell Jen she has to paint over this.

No, you can't do that. You'll hurt her feelings.

Look, I'll handle it.

Poorly.

What does that mean?

It means that you will fail

at what you're trying to accomplish.

I will not.

I can fix this without making her feel bad.

No, you can't.

You're not good at things like this.

I'm great at things like this!

This seems like a private conversation.

We should go.

Right. Hey, did you hear that?

Timmy wants us to leave so he can be alone with the penis mural.

This is exciting.

I have no experience kidnapping anyone.

I assume you do.

Well, a little "He said, she said," yeah.

All right, let's do this. TIMMY: All right.

You guys ready? Mmm-hmm.

This is scary.

Shh.

Go, go, go. Oh!

BOTH: Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait!

JENNIFER: Oh, my God! It's me, you idiots!

Oh, my God, it's Jen!

(GRUNTS)

You didn't know?

What, so you thought you were grabbing Adam's boob?

Wow. My goodness!

What in the world could the three of you possibly be doing here?

We're here to take you to your surprise bachelor party.

Bachelor party?

Oh, my God! I am so surprised.

Well, it took a lot of planning, but we did it.

You guys are the best.

We really are, yeah.

Ready to go? Almost.

Jen?

All right. It is on!

Oh, you know what? I should probably go to the bathroom before we go.

Who wants to take me?

Aw, do they pipe in the pee smell?

It's actually made fresh daily.

Hmm, there's a gentleman serving up a new batch as we speak.

Sweet, dude. We're in the conductor's car.

Hi.

You're doing a great job.

Gee, thanks.

Anyway, guys, I am so excited for Vegas, huh?

Yo! Yeah!

Yes, it's gonna be the best bachelor party ever.

(TRAIN SCREECHES)

ADAM: Did you guys put the pillowcase over my head again?

(GIGGLES)

So, Jeff and I were admiring your mural,

which we love, by the way,

but we noticed something about the giraffe.

Princess Winky.

"Princess" Winky? That's... Huh.

I always just thought it was a boy giraffe.

Why?

Oh, I don't know. There's just something distinctly male about it.

Is that a problem? Is there something wrong?

No, no, no. Sweetie, no, no, no!

We just thought maybe Princess Winky looked a little lonely.

Oh!

You mean, like, fill in the space?

Yeah! Yeah.

Give the eye some other things to look at.

Oh, I could create a whole jungle world.

Sure, yeah! Add as much as you want. Go nuts.

(SIGHS) No, not nuts.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

Ah.

Well, nothing got more attractive while it was dark.

MAN ON ANNOUNCER: Attention, passengers, I have an update for you.

The train that's stopped on the tracks ahead of us is still stopped.

That's not really an update. It's just the same thing.

I'll keep you posted as I get more information.

Yes, do you have any more information?

I just said that I didn't.

Well, that was to everyone.

I thought maybe between you and me.

You know what?

Why don't you just go sit down and blame me for everything

like the rest of the subterranean cretins?

Sir, I could never blame you.

You're a train man.

All right.

Just had a confab with the conduc.

He's gonna give me an update once he's got more information.

Well, I hope we get moving soon.

We do have a flight to catch.

Oh, don't worry, Timmy. We're gonna make it!

This is all part of the epic bachelor party story.

What about the epic B.O. down here? Is that part of the story?

Great idea taking the train, Tim.

It wasn't his idea.

Oh, that's right. This is all Jen's doing.

Jen? What did Jen do?

Nothing. Don't listen to them.

Jen forced us into this whole stupid thing.

If we die down here, I'm gonna haunt her so hard.

Wait.

Jen made you guys have a bachelor party for me?

You had nothing planned for tonight?

No, no. We did, we did.

You and I were gonna go to a movie, right?

Okay, look, so it was Jen's idea,

but we're happy to go gamble, and drink,

and look at naked ladies,

and we don't mind at all that you're here.

I can't believe this.

I thought you guys were my friends.

Seriously, is there a wet goat down here?

You know what?

Forget it. I'm not going to Vegas.

Well, I don't think any of us are going to Vegas now.

I'm just gonna go find another place to sit.

Oh. Mr. Rhodes.

No, look, I don't need you guys for anything.

Pull it like the sign says.

Thanks.

Now, I don't need you guys for anything.

I feel terrible about Mr. Rhodes.

But what's the big deal? We rip on him all the time.

That's what he's here for.

No, I get what Timmy's saying.

A bachelor party is an important guy thing.

It's like a funeral for the fun part of your life.

And think of this

Mr. Rhodes actually values your friendship.

Who else can you say that about?

No.

I lull myself to sleep nightly plotting your death.

MAN OVER ANNOUNCER: Bad news, folks.

It looks like we are not going to be moving for at least one hour.

An hour? (PEOPLE GROANING)

Yeah, 'cause it's my fault.

Well, that's it.

We're not making it to Las Vegas tonight.

You know what? We'll just make it up to him next year.

It's not his birthday.

It's his bachelor party, and I say we give him one right here, right now.

That's a great idea.

Quick question. Won't that suck?

Maybe, but we owe it to the little goofball to at least try.

I'll deny this to his face,

but Adam's a good friend.

We should do this for him.

I'm in.

I'm in too, mostly just to stir up the air in here.

Yeah, now we gotta get all the ingredients for a good bachelor party.

I can find booze anywhere.

That's great, I can sniff out a girl with daddy issues anywhere.

Timmy, you're our tech guy.

Why am I the tech guy?

Look at yourself.

Yeah, okay.

Hands in. "Bachelor party" on three.

ALL: One, two, three.

Bachelor party!

(CHUCKLES) He said it!

See, that's why you're our tech guy.

Let's do this.

And then, it turns out my fiancee made them do the whole thing.

And, I mean, she did it because she loves me,

and she's totally hot, you know,

but I just wanted my boys to be into it, you know?

Isn't that the worst?

Yeah. Sucks to be you, buddy.

Thanks. I appreciate that. Hey, I like you, man.

You got a business card or something?

Mr. Rhodes.

Oh.

Hello, Timothy.

If you're here to apologize, you're too late,

'cause, as you can see, I have a new friend now.

That he does.

Mr. Rhodes, please come and rejoin us.

Give them a second chance.

Thanks. I already had my hopes up once,

and they let me down.

Look, I've been on the receiving end

of their barbs and insensitivity many a time.

They can be immature and thoughtless and often, downright cruel.

You know, maybe I'll just stay here with you.

(SIGHS) Whatever.

You know what? No. Please come back.

Trust me.

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Okay.

Look, Spencer, I gotta go.

Look at me here, okay? This? This right here?

This is real, all right?

All right, we've got two bags of chips,

half a sub, most of a pizza, a dozen donuts,

and plenty of booze thanks to my new buddies over here.

Hey.

Oh, great, ZZ Top and Brave's father.

Anyway, it was slim pickings, but my keen senses

led me to the only professional dancer on the train.

Oh, hello!

She's not bad. I'd watch her shake her lady parts.

Oh, yeah.

All right, Mr. Rhodes, you can look now.

Welcome to your bachelor party, buddy.

We got food. We got booze. We got entertainment.

Oh, did someone say "Light show?"

Tech guy, yeah.

You dragged me back for this?

Because it's fantastic!

All right! Oh, my God!

Hey, guys, thank you.

Really? Yes, yes!

I mean, you guys really made an effort for me.

Check this out. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Timmy hooked up Russell's tunes.

Get ready to push 'em up.

MALE VOICE: Welcome to Being Tall on the Inside,

a motivational book for short statured men.

No, no, don't...

I know you were trying not to hurt my feelings,

but I totally got what you meant.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Open your eyes.

Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS EXCITEDLY)

Uh, what is the monkey doing to Princess Winky?

(EXCLAIMS) Riding her!

(GIGGLES)

See how much he loves his banana?

Yes, yeah, he certainly has a good grip on it.

What are those two round things at the base of the neck?

Coconuts. That's why they're so hairy.

Of course.

Gosh, I think this is some of my best work ever.

I mean, not to be cocky.

Oh.

You have every right to be.

Lovely, right down there. Enjoy.

Please, enjoy yourself. Whoa.

It's five dollars for dudes.

It's a sausage tax.

All right, all right, lover boy,

you found your queen in life.

Now, you just gotta find this one, all right?

Keep your eyes on it. Keep your eyes on it.

Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh.

Where you at? Bam, that one.

Oh! Oh, man, again?

What, I haven't won once.

Hey, you're not cheating, are you?

What? (LAUGHS) Just kidding.

I trust you, Sleazy Willy.

All right, now, it's time for the entertainment portion of the evening!

Let's get our lucky bachelor up

in the seat of honor. (ALL CHEERING)

(SHOUTS) Put 'em down, put 'em down.

On the main stage, we got... What's your name again?

Helen. We got Candy on the main stage!

(ALL CHEERING)

Wait, wait, wait, hold up.

What are you doing? I thought you were a dancer.

I am. A tap dancer.

No, uh...

We were looking for the type of dancing that involves a pole.

Okay.

You are so talented.

You guys, best bachelor party ever!

BOTH: Ever! (ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

MAN ON ANNOUNCER: Excuse me, folks, I've just gotten the go-ahead

to start back up.

We should be moving in just a moment.

(ALL GROAN)

Seriously, I can't win with you people.

Hey, hey, bring it in, bring it in, bring it in.

Hey, thank you. Thank you again, guys.

I mean, you really came through for me.

Hope you enjoyed your party. I did.

I did, but there's only one thing

that could make this thing better.

Whoo-hoo!

I'm driving the train!

I'm a train man.

Whoo! Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

Well, I doubted you, but I have to admit,

you really seem to have taken care of it.

See? I told you I'd handle it.