Original subtitles

(GRUNTS)

Thought you'd already left for work.

Well, the meeting got canceled.

So I was hoping to schedule a meeting for us.

In the...boudoir.

Hmm.

I may have a little time to discuss some new business.

Hmm.

Let the minutes show the wife is up for it.

Hmm. Minutes, plural?

That'd be a nice change.

(RINGTONE PLAYS)

Please don't answer that.

Hello. Meeting adjourned.

Really? I'm... I'm so sorry.

Let me check with Jeff, and I'll get back to you.

That was Chrissy. She never got the Knicks tickets

you promised her for her charity auction.

Oh, boy, uh, you'll never guess what happened.

You forgot?

Wow, first guess.

Look, she was really counting on that.

Can you still get 'em? When's the auction?

Tomorrow. One day's notice?

You got to give me more time than that.

I asked you six weeks ago!

That's too much notice.

Ten days, that's your sweet spot.

Oh, my God. What? What is that?

(SCOFFS) The form you said you would fill out.

This puts our baby on our insurance.

So excited.

God, I feel like a single mother.

Okay, just tell me, what can I do?

Anything. Fill out a form, empty the dishwasher.

Make a dinner reservation. Okay, I'll do it.

Do what?

What was the last one? Oh, God.

No, wait. Dinner reservation, I'll make one of those.

What's that, uh, fancy new French place

you've been going on about?

Dijon? Boom!

Gonna make a reservation for us.

Yeah, well, it takes a month to get in there.

All right, then, write it down.

One month from today, you and I are going to, uh...

Dijon. That's the one!

I'll call and make a reservation.

It's happenin' right now.

So you never made the reservation?

No, I did not.

I meant to call, but then my buddy texted me

with this sweet fantasy baseball trade.

So, how pissed was Audrey?

I mean, was she, like, Yosemite Sam pissed?

Yeah, what was up with that guy?

I heard he was bipolar or something.

Yeah.

Look, obviously, I haven't told her yet.

Why?

Is anything obvious to you?

Because if Audrey doesn't know about it,

it's not a screw-up yet.

Like when a tree falls in the forest.

If there's nobody there to hear it,

it doesn't make a noise.

Of course, it does.

How do you know, if there was nobody there to hear it?

Well, because, Jeff, I mean...

You know, when, like...

Whoa.

Exactly. Now, I still have a day

to try to get into that restaurant.

So the tree hasn't fallen yet.

Yeah, hey, I get that.

I don't get that.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Ah.

Good morning, sir.

Why the toothy grin there, Squanto?

No reason in particular.

Just go in your office.

Oh.

Is there a bee in there?

What? No.

'Cause there was a bee in there once,

and it was not a good day for me.

I was not proud of how I reacted.

I assure you, there is no bee.

Just go in.

No bee.

(SINGSONG) Hey, ex-hubby.

Oh, yuck.

Come on, dude. Liz?

Why'd you let her in my office?

Because I take pleasure in your misery, sir.

Liz is such a nightmare.

What do you think? Should I bang her?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, I'm on the fence too.

See, I promised myself

I'd only bang nines from now on.

And Liz is a three.

I'm being generous.

So, if we do it three times, that would...

Crunch those numbers for me, Timmy.

Three times three is nine, sir.

It is? Ooh!

Hold my calls.

Okay, Liz, you're in luck.

'Cause I'm in a bit of a slump, and, according to Timmy,

the numbers check out, so let's do this.

Russell, I'm here because I have something to tell you.

I am a sex addict.

Well, listen, if you gots to have it,

(SINGSONG) then I gots to give it.

No, you're not hearing me, Russell.

I joined Sex Addicts Anonymous.

And part of the program is apologizing

to those I wronged.

I'm not here to make love.

I'm here to talk.

Well, can we talk in-between?

'Cause we gots to do this three times

to make the numbers work.

Adam, everyone's heard of wedding cake.

Nobody's ever heard of wedding pie.

'Cause I am in the process of inventing it.

Okay, Tim, you go to a wedding, right?

It's dessert time.

Now, do you want...

(YAWNING) ...boring old wedding cake?

Or do you want to break me off

a sweet slice of that wedding pie, bro?

He only wants pie so a pie fight will break out.

You can't have a table full of pies

and not expect a pie fight.

That's why I don't want pie!

God, sometimes I feel like I'm marrying Larry, Moe, and Curly.

I'm sorry, who?

The three stooges.

Ah, yes.

I've heard of them, but I've never seen any of their films.

Oh, my God, not even the one where they're plumbers,

and everything goes wrong?

No.

What about when they're in the old West,

and everything goes wrong?

Maybe I wasn't clear, Mr. Rhodes.

When I said I'd never seen any of their films,

I meant that.

Aw, T, that's it.

What's it? Oh, please don't.

Too late. (CLAPS HANDS)

Tonight. My house. It's stooge night.

I have no doubt about that, sir.

It got so bad that,

even in the short amount of time we were married,

I was unable to remain faithful.

Whoa.

So, uh...

Who's the guy?

Guy? Singular?

(CHUCKLES)

How many were there?

Can you count 'em on one hand?

Well, yes, if that one hand was holding a calculator.

Let's see, there was, um,

the guy who rents boats in the park,

an assistant manager at Arby's,

and a couple of waiters.

Arby's doesn't have waiters.

No, I mean people literally waiting

for me and the assistant manager to finish.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

I know now, from my sex addiction meetings,

that I was just trying to fill a void.

Did you have to fill it so many times?

Oh, really? You can give me a table?

Oh, my God, you may have just saved my marriage.

4:45 or 11:30?

At 4:45, will I still get the lunch prices?

Hello?

Hey.

Ah, I'm so excited.

I got my new dress for tomorrow night.

Oh, I am really fired up, too.

In fact, I don't know if I can wait until 8:00.

Uh, hey, here, new thought.

What if they can take us earlier?

What, like, 7:30?

7:30, 4:45, somewhere in there.

4:45?

No, you're right, later's better.

Maybe we go at 11:30.

Catch the local news first,

have something to talk about.

I want to eat at 8:00 like we planned.

Then that is when you will eat.

All right, do you want to see my new dress now,

or, uh, do you want to be surprised tomorrow night?

Let's save all the surprises for tomorrow night.

(LAUGHS)

Oh!

Why aren't you laughing?

I just don't get it, Mr. Rhodes.

Oh, no, it's okay, Tim. Took me a while, too.

Okay, see, the society lady, she's having a party, right.

But she's got a problem with her plumbing.

I understand that. Okay.

What I don't get is why anyone would hire

these buffoons as plumbers.

I can't imagine they're licensed or bonded.

And if there's so much acrimony among them,

why don't they just go their separate ways?

Whoa! Oh!

(STAMMERS) Moe just hit Curly in the head with a pipe.

You don't think that's funny?

No, I think it's attempted murder.

(EXHALES)

Oh, hey, so...

Manage to get into that fancy restaurant yet?

No, and running out of time.

Soon the other shoe's gonna drop.

Ah.

But is there anyone there to hear it?

Dude, we're not doing that anymore.

No?

When Audrey finds out I've blown it, I'm a dead man.

Be a long time before Daddy gets any lovin'.

You know, it's too bad you're not a celebrity.

You know, they get these last-minute tables all the time.

Really? Yeah.

True. I've gotten Mr. Dunbar into places

claiming he was a celebrity.

Yeah, what happens when this no-name loser schlub shows up?

Ah, none taken.

The key is to find someone he looks enough like.

Mmm. Tom Petty.

Macaulay Culkin.

And the age-old standby, Ellen DeGeneres.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Ellen? Really?

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

All right, I'm outta here.

Where are you going? Put on a pants suit and go tape your show?

No, I'm gonna meet Liz at her Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting.

Ah, she finally convinced you to go get help, sir.

No, she convinced me somewhere there's a room full of nymphos

with no impulse control.

And if they gots to have it...

ALL: You gots to give it.

Yeah, I gots to give it!

Ah, you look fantastic.

Thank you. What's in the bag?

Just got something to make the night a little more fun.

Honey, you know the restaurant already has scotch.

I love your sense of humor.

I was thinking that any old idiot

can make a dinner reservation.

Yeah. You proved that.

But I thought that we'd take it to a whole new level.

And do a little role playing.

All right, Jeff, could you just pretend

to be interested in the dinner

instead of just what happens back at the apartment?

I'm not just talking about what happens after dinner,

I'm talking about role-playing the whole night.

Really?

What, uh... What role did you have in mind?

What's say tonight you are Nicole Kidman?

(LAUGHS)

Well, how oddly specific.

Uh, so you want me to wear this to the restaurant?

Yes, I do, Nicole.

(LAUGHS)

Seems pretty weird.

Fun weird.

All right, I like that you're trying.

Are you gonna be somebody too?

I could, if there was somebody...

Yeah, Daniel Craig.

You had that one locked and loaded, did ya?

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(KNOCKS)

Russell.

You listened to me and came.

Well, I realized you were right.

Maybe I could become a better person somehow

by... Jeez, what a sausage hang.

Where's all the talent?

Hello. Uh-uh.

Look, if you're not here to get help,

you might as well just leave. Happy to.

I don't want to sit around and listen to a bunch of guys

brag about getting a lot.

I'm gonna grab some Entenmanns and bounce.

Hey. Hi.

I'm Russell.

Have you made a mess of your life with sex too?

Yeah, I have.

Well, come on. Let's start the healing.

Sorry. Old habit.

That's why we're here, though, right?

(LAUGHS) (MAN: (ON TV) I hope, Cecily,

I shall not offend you if I state quite frankly...

Now, this...

This is comedy.

This blows.

Mr. Rhodes, I assure you,

The Importance of Being Earnest does not blow.

Hey, I'm just gonna close my eyes, okay?

Just wake me if and when Ernest goes to camp.

I can't believe we're actually here.

What's not to believe?

I made a reservation. Here we are.

Put these on.

In here?

It's what Nicole would do so as not to be recognized.

(SCOFFS) Fine.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Good. Wait...

There.

Even better. (GIGGLES)

You go to the bar and have a drink.

Daniel Craig will check us in.

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Okay, mate.

What was that?

Nicole Kidman. She's Australian.

Sounded more like a pirate.

Well, if we're giving each other performance notes,

I bet Daniel Craig could suck in his gut

enough to button his tuxedo pants.

Welcome to Dijon, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

Yes, we spoke earlier today.

I am with... (WHISPERS) Miss Nicole Kidman.

Ah, yes.

We'll seat you right now, sir.

And Miss Kidman is...

At the bar. She's very private.

Don't look at her.

We always respect the privacy of our guests.

I expect nothing less from such a classy establishment.

(BUTTON FALLS ON FLOOR) Oh, crap.

Button just came off my pants.

Okay, I've shared a lot with you people,

but this one is a doozy.

My darkest hour.

MAY 14th, 2011.

Hey, that's our wedding day.

That's right.

I felt so horrible about myself that I actually married him.

Russell T. Dunbar.

What happened to "anonymous"?

And, uh, for the record,

we aren't married anymore, so I'm good to go.

We all have to hit our rock bottom, Liz.

I mean, kerplunk.

(APPLAUSE)

I think we all understand what you're saying.

Would anyone else like to share?

Let's hear from a lady.

I could really use some support.

Not you.

You.

And remember, we're all friends here,

so feel free to be as filthy as you'd like.

You know, Russell, instead of deflecting,

why don't you actually share something?

Oh.

Okay.

Uh, I'm here because I too carry a heavy burden.

In my pants. (CHUCKLES)

It's hard to walk.

You're not taking this seriously.

No, he's not, and he never will.

Russell, sex will always control your life.

Yeah, that's the plan.

Look, we've all been there.

Sex is a tasty temptress,

whether it's on the floor of a tollbooth

on the Jersey Turnpike

or on a delicious pile of Arby's roast beef and cheddars,

but at the end of the day, nothing changes

unless you are willing to look yourself in the mirror and ask,

"Am I truly happy living this way?"

Wow.

I do make some pretty shallow choices.

Maybe it's time for a change.

Or you wanna get outta here?

Ew, no.

(INHALES)

Ugh, all right. Come on.

Anne, wait.

You're better than this.

I'm really not. Atta girl.

I gotta say, this is a really great night.

The first of many.

From now on, you can count on me to get things done.

Mmm. Thank you.

And I have to admit I was a little skeptical

about you coming through this time.

Based on what?

Every other time.

But how 'bout a toast?

To you proving that you can actually step up

and be a helpful...

Excuse me for interrupting.

We just wanted to offer this as a gift,

and say what an honor it is to have...

You're not Nicole Kidman.

What?

Put these back on. You weren't supposed to look at her.

Why would he think I'm actually Nicole Kidman?

Because I was told to hold a table for Nicole Kidman.

You're not Nicole Kidman.

You never made the reservation, did you?

Not in the traditional sense.

He called this afternoon and promised Nicole Kidman,

but you're not Nicole...

Yes, I know I am not Nicole Kidman.

God, this is so humiliating.

You did say this was a gift.

(SIGHS)

It's hard for me to gauge how you're feeling towards me right now.

'Cause of the separate cabs and all.

I can't believe you did that to me.

How embarrassing.

Fun embarrassing?

No!

God, all you had to do was make one phone call.

I know, I... What's with me?

Come on, Jeff! Pull your head outta your butt!

Do not do that thing where you pretend to be mad at yourself

so I can't be mad at you.

You're right. I do that. Come on!

What am I trying to pull here?

You know, I...

I just thought tonight was a sign

that you were really gonna change.

I did too. This was expensive.

But if it, you know,

makes any difference, I really am sorry.

Whatever.

I guess it's just on me to lower my expectations.

Wait a minute. What?

What was on this table this morning?

Two empty beer bottles and the crumbs from your hoagie?

What else?

Oh, that envelope I asked you to mail for my Lamaze class.

You mailed it? It's not there, is it?

So that's something, right?

Big deal, babe.

You stuck a stamp on an envelope and dropped it in a mailbox.

It wasn't already stamped?

It doesn't matter, because when it comes back,

I'll get another shot, I'm gonna nail it!

Still doesn't make up for tonight, Jeff.

Wait.

I know what will.

Dinner at 11:30.

Not so bad.

Yeah, it's very European.

Well, welcome back.

May I start you off with something to drink?

Uh, no, thanks.

Uh, just a bucket of ice for this, please.

Oh, Miss Morgan. Came by for lunch?

No, we are going pie tasting. Yup.

Once she gets a taste...

I've had pie before, Adam.

Oh, anyway, here's your stupid Ernest movie.

Thanks.

Though I do wish we could've found a comedic common ground.

Yeah. Or at least something we both thought was funny.

RUSSELL: Timmy, I think there's a bee in here.

This could be our common ground.

RUSSELL: Timmy, there is a bee in here! Timmy!

(SQUEALING)

(LAUGHING) I can watch this all day.

Oh, let's, then.

(SCREAMS)

Timmy, open up! Timmy! Timmy! Aah! Aah!

(CHUCKLES)

He really does look like Ellen. Yeah.

(THUD) Ohh...

Timmy! Anyone?

Adam, help me!

(TINY VOICE) It's stinging me!