Original subtitles

Hey. BOTH: Hey.

Where's Adam?

Or, uh, as he's also known as,

that guy you're settling for?

He's back at the apartment doing some research.

(LAUGHS) Doing research?

That's hilari...

'Cause it's true.

Uh, what's he researching?

New leads on Waldo's whereabouts?

No, bicycles.

We're buying a couple so we can cruise around the park.

Aw, that's sweet.

Remember when we used to do... No.

No? Yeah.

Although something exciting did happen last night.

Audrey, I'm a grown man.

Second base is nothing to brag about.

Not that, Jeff.

You know how we've been arguing about what to name our baby?

Yeah...you guys have been fighting like, well, you guys.

She wants to honor her grandmother Stella...

Like the mustache hall of fame

didn't honor her enough.

Oh, and you're contributions have been strong.

"Olivia Newton Bingham."

We agreed on a name.

Ooh! Do I get to hear it?

I'm dying to tell you, but we're gonna keep it secret.

I totally get it.

Ah.

Hmm...one, two, three, four, five boobs.

Interesting.

Ah, look, it's the love child of Diane Sawyer and a goat. (SNORTS)

Prize-winning journalist, petting zoo favorite.

Ah, that's not too bad. I'll take it.

Who wants to hear about my night?

God, no. Please, no.

Inconclusive. So, I go out.

I haunt, I stalk, I bag, and I get home,

and this girl Madison, she's a go-er.

You know the type? Wait, what was her name?

Her name's Madison.

Now, my camera phone was on the fritz,

but I did manage to get some audio

for your listening pleasure.

Oh, yeah, Madison.

Aw, that's crazy, Madison.

Aw...oh, Madison, good God...

What won't you let me do?

Oh, enough! Enough! Turn it off!

You ruined Madison!

Well, I think her dad not paying attention to her

had to factor in a little bit, but...

We were gonna name our baby Madison.

Aw, I love that name.

Yeah, it really rolls off the tongue.

You know, it's funny I bring that up, because...

Don't.

Come on, you're seriously not gonna use "Madison" now?

Are you kidding me?

I'm not gonna use Madison Avenue.

Now we gotta find a name that hasn't been sullied by Russell.

That's gonna be a tough needle to thread.

All right, I am gonna need a list of the names

of every girl you've ever been with.

Well, I'm sure that's on file

at the center for disease control.

That's a good jumping-off point,

but I don't think it gives you the whole story.

Okay, seriously, I need names ASAP.

(CHUCKLES) All right, fine,

but here's a heads-up.

You probably also don't want to name your kid

"Madison's hot, vaguely Asian roommate" either.

What? Yeah, I did.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Hey, can I help you?

I'm meeting my fiance here.

We're gonna look at some bikes.

What happened? I was five minutes late.

Seems you answered your own question.

Jen, I told my man Javier here

that I got the need for speed, brah.

He did. He said it exactly that way.

We were just gonna buy a couple of cheap cruisers.

(EXHALES) You sound like me five minutes ago.

Hey, check it out.

Javier said this bike right here...

Newest technology, top of the line.

You know how they make this thing so light?

Hmm? No? Carbon feathers.

Fibers.

Let's not have this argument again.

How much is that thing?

Um, honey, it's kind of rude

to ask someone what they paid for something.

You bought it?

In 23 more payments, I will have.

I even picked out a steel horse for you.

Adam, we can't afford these.

Again, me five minutes ago.

Ugh!

Hey, Timmy.

There's a new deli opening downstairs.

I figured you'd be all over it.

Sir, might we have just one day

without you belittling my ancestry?

You got it, buddy.

Now, listen, I need you to put on your thinking turban, okay?

You know how you're always wanting to do things around here

that are more related to actual real estate?

Yes.

I want you to make a list of all the chicks

that I, a real estate guy, have taken to pound town.

Why, sir?

Nosy.

Well, if you must know, Jeff and Audrey

don't want their baby to share a name with any of the, uh,

delightful ladies I've jack hammered.

Mmm. (CHUCKLES)

Ladies, indeed. Yeah.

And I'm thinking it shouldn't just be a list.

We should take this opportunity

to create a rich, detailed account of all my conquests.

A sexual tapestry, if you will.

I will not. Okay, great.

Here's some stuff to get you started.

Photos, journals, black books.

And do a good job, Tim, all right?

'Cause one day, when I'm old... Today.

When I'm older, this will be my legacy.

Or, sir, perhaps you'll change your lecherous ways.

Settle down, maybe have a son,

and that will be your legacy.

Yeah, but that kid deserves to know

what a tail wrangler his dad was.

Get to work.

All right.

I'm gonna take a bus up to the Hudson Valley and get my ride on.

Have fun delivering that package

that everyone can clearly see.

Hey, a real cyclist

is happy to trade modesty for aerodynamics.

Still think you should've gotten a bike.

Well, as much as I'd like to force

doll clothes over my genitalia,

you already spent too much on yours.

Once you owe money to a credit card company,

does it really matter how much?

Yes.

The more you owe, the more interest you accrue each month.

Well, I'm certainly not accruing

any interest in this conversation.

What's that dumb thing on your helmet?

HD camera. Best thing money can buy.

You know why?

There's 10 pixies in here.

Pixels?

That's the exact argument I was having with Javi.

Anyway, bottom line is,

recording your rides can only make you better,

and maybe, when you watch it back,

it'll inspire you.

To marry someone else? Maybe.

Yes, hello.

Um, I'm seeking the name of one of your employees

with the initials L.P.

Ms. Lolly Pops.

Sounds about right.

Oh, she's on the main stage right now, is she?

Smashing. Thank you.

(SIGHS) All right, Tim,

I got a lotta more names here for my sex-clopedia.

Some of these, uh, chicks, I can't remember their name,

but I'm sure I yelled them out at some point.

VHS tapes?

Yeah, can you be a lamb, and convert them to digital,

or DVD, or whatever the latest nerd thing is?

But you know what? Your call.

I don't wanna micromanage.

Oh, Audrey, hey!

Wanna be in a book?

No, I've come up with some more baby names,

and I wanna make sure you haven't defiled them.

Oh, well, I'm out of the loop now.

That's Timmy's department. He's my sexual biographer.

Yes, and in my spare time,

I'm also working on a suicide note.

All right, Zoe?

Sorry, Zoe's been used.

And by "used," he means a-used.

(CHUCKLES) Write that down.

Uh, Jenna? Nope.

Annie? Taylor? No. Sorry.

McKenna? Nyet.

Lauren? Sarah? Uh-uh. I wish.

Avery? Swing and a miss.

Damn it, Russell!

Looks like it's back to the drawing board.

Oh, that reminds me. You can't use "Claire" either.

Why does that remind you?

Because that's a cartoonist I dated,

and I nailed her with her back

to the drawing board. (CHUCKLES)

(MOUTHS WORDS)

Oh, my God, what happened to you? Nothing.

I just rode hard.

(EXHALES) You know, no pain...

I forget the rest of it.

Where is your bike?

Oh, um, it's at the shop. Why?

Geez, honey, can't a guy have a completely uneventful bike ride

without getting the third degree?

Where are your shoes?

You know, how'd you like it if I asked you that question, huh?

Where are your shoes?

They're on my feet.

There you go.

There you go.

I'm just gonna go shower.

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

ADAM: Ow...ow! What the...ow!

Stupid thing. (BELL RINGS)

Yo, yo, my man.

Hey, you got a bomb pop up in there?

Ah, you're killing me, bro.

All right, hey, hit me up with one of those SpongeBob-sicles.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...wait!

Wait, wait, wait...stop!

Someone stop! Some... Mr. Bus Driver!

Stop the bus!

That's my bike!

(SIGHS) My foot is stuck?

What are the odds?

All right, Timmy, how about Emily?

Ugh, how does he do it?

Ew, no, I didn't really wanna know how he did it.

Well, what'd Timmy say? Emily's out.

No, I mean, how'd Russell do it?

He did offer up a list of usable names,

Gladys, Agnes, and Beatrice,

so we're covered if our baby's born an old nun.

Hey, what about Sky?

Or Jameson?

Or Bailey?

We're not naming her after bottles of liquor.

Fine, how about Charlie? Or Joe?

Okay, we don't want her to know you were hoping for a boy.

Look, I'm happy either way, just as long as he's healthy.

"She."

What'd I say? Okay, Jeff.

You make a lot of jokes about wanting a boy.

Is that still really a joke,

or is this, like, a serious thing?

No, it's just...

I, I always pictured having a boy.

Well, you gotta change your picture, babe.

That little guy's stuck in there pretty good.

Okay, you work on it.

Come on, we gotta come up with some new names.

Well, look, you don't like

any of my fun, unisex booze names,

and I don't like any of your hairy female relative names,

any names we agree on, Russell's ruined.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Well, great.

I have to change my name.

(LAUGHTER)

Loser! (OVERLAPPING TAUNTS)

Nice outfit! What a moron!

ADAM: Now, that... Yeah, that's real mature.

You know what?

I'm rubber, and you guys are all a bunch of glue.

Hey...hey, I'm not done!

Hey, come back here!

Hey, big fella, what's your... (DOG BARKS)

(SCREAMS)

No, help! Help.

Uh, could somebody please help me?

MAN: Just step out of your shoe, idiot.

ADAM: Thank you, brother.

Well, it's official...

You're disgusting.

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, if these pages could talk.

More like if they could file charges.

Any who, I'll be home, crying in my shower,

on the floor, fetal position,

as per usual.

Timmy, wait.

It's just, um, I don't know...

Something's wrong here,

something I don't feel good about.

Well, I'm glad.

Do you know, sir,

it's not too late to change your ways

and pursue a meaningful, fulfilling...

How have I not banged a "W"?

Beg pardon?

I got every other letter of the alphabet.

No "W." Come on!

No Whitney, no Wendy...

Damn it, Russell. You're better than this.

You're really not.

Wait a second.

What's the name of that sweet little thing

that runs the day care down on three?

I don't know.

Winnie... Winnie!

I'll start making a page for her, sir.

Not yet, dude. Don't jinx it.

I'm kidding. Put it in!

ADAM: Grave Of Death?

I wonder what that's about.

Sorry, sir, we can't allow you

to enter with that recording device.

Okay, first of all, it's not on,

and second, I'm not trying to record

this stupid zombie movie, all right?

I just need to kill a few hours,

'cause my fiancee thinks I'm out on a bike ride,

and I can't let her know that I lost my bike,

which, incidentally, costs a lot more than I told her it did.

Okay, fine. Go ahead.

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

What's up, guys?

Oh..."no gain."

I remembered the other half of that saying.

You know, I am really happy

you're enjoying your bike so much.

Oh, yeah? Mmm-hmm.

Even though it cost what it did...

And not a penny more.

It's worth it, you know, for the many years of enjoyment you'll get.

Mmm, yeah.

Although, honey, to be honest, you know, that ride...

That ride was so great

that it alone was worth the cost,

so if I were to, hypothetically, like, never have to ride

that bike again, I feel that...

Adam,

I just watched the video from your helmet cam.

Cool.

(SIGHS) Busted by a bunch of pixies.

Hey, got a pizza.

Oh, I already ate.

I know. That's why I just got the one.

So you wanna take another stab at coming up with a baby name?

Why?

Did you go by a liquor store and do some research?

No, and here's the thing.

I did some thinking, on my own.

Wow, is there more?

'Cause I'm already impressed.

There's more, and I figured out

why I'm worried about having a girl.

It's not because I'm disappointed.

It's because I'm not sure that I have faith in myself.

I don't have the greatest history

at understanding female...

Girls.

You did once say a uterus reminded you

of those cow skulls you see in the desert.

Put them side by side, I'm right.

Anyway, I'm just worried that I'm not going

to be able to understand our daughter.

I mean, I can barely understand you,

and you can talk and explain yourself.

I'll interpret for you, babe.

I speak female girl.

I know. Sometimes, you never stop.

Jeff. See, right there...

That is...

I don't want to accidentally, uh, say stuff like that

to our little girl.

Look, honey, you'll learn.

You've gotten way better with me.

(CHUCKLES) When we first started dating,

you took me to Shea stadium to see four Met games in a row.

Yeah, I know. In the fourth game,

in the bottom of the 13th, you made us leave.

There were two rain delays,

and I had a job interview the next morning.

And the Mets won in the 16th, and we missed it...

Okay, can we just not argue about this right now?

Fine. We'll hit that later.

The point is you got way better at that kind of stuff.

Sweetie, I love you.

I love you, even though you are a knucklehead caveman.

(GROWLS)

I know our daughter's going to also.

Well, I will take your word for it.

What about Shea?

Oh, God, honey, it was fine, but four games is a lot.

I mean, two of them, our seats weren't even together.

No, I mean, as a name.

Shea.

Shea.

Shea Bingham.

Come here, little Shea.

You're so cute, Shea.

Get daddy a beer, Shea.

No, daddy's had enough, Shea.

I really like it. Right?

Guess what, Jeff? You just named our daughter.

I guess I did. Uh-huh.

Hold on.

(PHONE RINGS) (SOBBING)

Hello?

Ah, good evening, Mr. Bingham.

How are you?

Shea?

Actually, you know what?

Mr. Dunbar has never been with a Shea.

Yes, that is indeed terrific news.

You're quite welcome. Have a good night now, Mr. Bingham.

All right, then.

(SOBBING)

Hey, uh, I don't know if you remember me from earlier.

Oh, I remember you.

Cool.

Question... I am in the market

for a right bike shoe to match this one.

Uh, sorry, man. We only sell them in the pairs.

As I feared.

Next question... You offered me insurance

if the bike got lost or stolen, you know,

but I turned it down.

Yeah, you said it was for suckers.

Well, I thought maybe I should sign up for it.

Okay, yeah. Well, we can do that.

I'll just need to scan the barcode on the bike.

Ah, yeah, absolutely. That makes total sense.

Um, it's just right outside.

Just gonna go get it.

All right, smooth getaway. That was a close one.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me!

Oh, come on! (DOG BARKS)

(SCREAMS)

Why?

Why!