Original subtitles

Yo, yo, yo.

Sir, I just put your sop in your office, it's very hot, so...

(RUSSELL SCREAMS)

...don't eat it yet. (S)

(GROANS)

Ah, it's too hot again.

Sir, I've told you, if you were a bit more patient

you wouldn't always burn your tongue.

I know, but it looks so good I want it right now.

Sir, stop, stop.

I can't!

It's too good... What are you doing?

Here, I think this new n will solve your problem.

(GASPS)

What, was it up your butt or something?

No, just try it.

Mmm, perfect.

Now try your spoon agai.

Okay.

(YELLS)

Now mine.

(SLURPS) Mmm, yummy.

And yours again.

Ow!

What's going on here?

Well, sir, I grew tired of you always burning your mouth

and spitting hot soup into my face,

so I had a friend who works in manufacturing make that spoon.

How do it work?

It's actually two small spoons welded together

with a liquid cooling at in between.

Now, the spoon cools the soup

as you bring it to your mouth.

(SLURPS)

It works. It really works.

Yes, indeed.

And now, you're able to enjoy your soup

and my face will remain unscathed.

See you later and good riddance, stupid old spoon.

(THUD) Ow!

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

So, it's getting close to baby time.

Do you have her room all set up yet?

No. As usual, Jeff's dragging his fee.

Getting him to help is like

trying to make a pile of water.

(AUDREY SIGHS)

I need him to move the old furniture down to the storage area,

and he keeps getting distracted.

Mmm, Adam starts out distracted

and just stays that way.

I think I'm going to have to resort to my secret weapon,

which, unfortunately, invols great personal sacrific.

Maybe you should just give him sex inste.

Sex is the sacrifice.

Ah, so you tell him if he does what you wan, you'll give him some.

Oh, God, no.

If I set that precedent,

he'd be demanding sex every time I asked him to pass the salt.

The key is, I give him some,

then I ask him the favo.

He's so relaxed and agreeable,

he always says yes.

Hmm.

I wonder if that would work with Adam.

I really want to get a , but he doesn't.

Try my system.

I don't know, it sounds kind of manipulative.

Mmm. Spoken like a woman without a dog.

All right, I'll try.

Oh, here comes Jeff, time to bait the trap.

Hey. (SIGHS) Hey.

I just saw a guy I thought was Matthew Modine.

Wasn't.

So, uh, we going to a movie tonight?

Uh, actually, I thought maybe we'd stay in.

I could cook dinner,

maybe share a bottle of wine?

Oh, well, that sounds like a roadmap

whose destination is the boudoir.

Seems that way, huh?

I hope you're watching.

Learn a little something about how to treat your man.

Oh, I am.

I'm going to go pick out a leash.

RUSSELL: Hey.

Good, you're here.

What was so urgent, sir?

I can't stop thinking at our soup spoon inventio.

"Our" invention?

Yes, I'm giving you full half-credit.

I've decided that we can market it and sell it.

Sir, I just had the one made for you.

Yes, as usual you were thinking too small.

Check this out.

"Cool Hand Soup"?

It's so catchy, man.

Bam!

Sir, why do you suddenly want to be in the spoon business?

Ah, I'm sick of riding my father's coattails.

It's time for me to shi.

Good for you, sir.

I'm very pleased to hear you so excited about such a legitimate business ventu.

Yeah, thank you, Tim.

It's good to finally have something

that's completely mine for once, you know?

Actually, ours.

Easy, Tim, remember there's no "you" in "te"

Nice work, sir.

I know.

Yeah, I, uh, I did that.

(LAUGHING) You certainly did.

Speaking of doing thing, do you think maybe you could

get to cleaning the storage area,

and moving the second bedroom furniture down there?

Absolutely. Consider it done.

Too easy.

(BOTH SIGH)

Whoo!

That's what I'm talkin' about.

You did talk a lot.

(EXHALES)

So, um,

you know how I mentioned getting a pet?

Yeah?

Don't you think it's a great idea?

Sure, let's do it.

Really? Well, that's great.

So I was thinking... But not a dog.

A bird.

What?

Why do you want to get a bird?

I don't know.

Just 'cause.

(COOING)

Yeah.

Yeah, the website's going to sell spoons.

How much storage capability?

I don't know, up the wazoo is what I'll need, I gu.

Okay, Jim, see ya.

(LAUGHS) Making spoon deals, Timmy, it's very exciti.

Idea, contact Ricky Schroder about endorsement deal.

So, sir, I see you've gone ahead and formed a business plan.

I have, we're gonna launch a website,

then post a sales video on .

I'm gonna get more tail than the guy that invented the spork.

And where exactly are we getting this sales video?

Oh, we're gonna do it.

We'll make it.

I'll be the director and executive producer.

And what will I be?

You're a good kid, Timm, we'll find something fo.

And, sir,

you're confident you possess the necessary skills to shot a professional video?

Of course.

I learned quite a bit that week I spent at soft-core fantasy camp.

And we'll shoot it on the video equipment we'll take from my bedroom.

Your bedroom?

But won't the camera be ruined after I boil ?

Ha, ha.

Idea, try to bang new receptionist in lobby.

I can't turn it off, Ti.

You know, these storage lockers would make great aviari.

Let's try to focus.

I've got to get this all cleaned out for Aud.

Gotcha.

So, I've narrowed it don to a macaw or an African Grey parrot.

Why don't you narrow it down even further...

to a dog.

Dude, birds are great p.

They're loyal, they lick your face,

they show up at the front door

with their little tail feathers wagging.

You do know what a bird is, right?

Yes.

And Jen tried to get me to agree to a dog right after we had sex.

Like I owe her some big favor after rocking her world.

I don't know where she got that idea.

Wait a minute.

Speaking of doing thing, do you think maybe you could

get to cleaning the storage area,

and moving the second bedroom furniture down there?

Absolutely. Consider it done.

Really?

Audrey uses that with y?

Yeah, and, uh, you know,

I think she's been doing it for a hell of a long time.

Is it all right if my parents stay with us for a couple of weeks?

Good by me.

Mmm. What do you say we shave this goatee?

It's gone.

(SIGHS)

Boy, we've been dating a while, huh?

Shouldn't we get marrie?

Yeah, sure, why not?

(CHUCKLING)

Wow, that scam has been pretty good to her.

Are you going to go bust her right now?

No.

Revenge is a dish best served...

after I get some.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Did you, uh, get the storage area all cleaned up?

As promised.

So, did all the stuff from the baby's room fit down there?

I don't know.

I, uh, didn't move it.

Are you gonna do it soon?

Nah, I kind of ran out of steam.

But I'll get to it.

Maybe.

Maybe? (LAUGHS)

But last night, you kno, after we, uh...

Yeah, I know, but listen...

Cleaning out the locker just got me a little te.

Well, um, you want me to get you a couple of aspirin?

I don't think that will do it.

(JEFF SIGHS)

Well, why don't we go to the bedroom,

and I'll give you a nice massage.

What a delightful and unexpected idea.

Hey, Timmy.

Oh, hello Mr. Rhodes.

What brings you here?

Oh, Russell told me to come by.

I'm starring in a movie or something.

Well, it's not actually a movie,

it's a web video to try and sell spoons.

Eh, still getting my foot in the door.

And this is the set.

That's Hollywood talk fr the place we'll be film.

It's pretty maj.

Wow. Yeah.

In fact, Meryl Streep got her start in a video very much like this one.

Who's Meryl Streep?

(LAUGHS) I don't know, I'm too busy watching the Twilight films,

they're good.

These guys are my lacke.

Lackeys, this is Amber.

Hi. It's Adam, actually.

Hi.

I gotta go potty.

Oh, aren't you adorable?

Well, it's right out th.

Sir, who exactly is she?

She was my counselor at soft-core fantasy ca.

I promised her a role in the movie.

Is she my co-star?

'Cause I thought we had great chemistry.

Mr. Dunbar, I thought you were taking this business venture seriou.

Timmy, are you doubting Amber's ability

to add value to our sales video?

Russell? I couldn't find the pot,

and I think I lost one of my shoes.

Well, are you?

Whew. Wow.

(CHUCKLES)

That massage got away from you pretty quickly.

Yeah. I just couldn't control myself.

Two days in a row.

Haven't done that in a while.

Yup.

It's going to be tough to say good-bye to that streak.

Well, I owe you, hon.

Oh, you don't have to...

Mmm, you know, actually, it would be nice

if you could move that furniture into the storage area.

I could definitely do that.

But I don't feel like i.

Great.

Wait, what?

Well, I don't... (SIGHS)

I don't feel like i.

But...

it would make me so hap, my big, strong man.

Drop the act, sister.

I'm on to you.

Whatever are you talking about?

You give me sex, and then you ask me to do things.

(LAUGHS) Jeff, I have no idea what you.

Don't embarrass yoursel.

You've had a good run,

but it's over.

Nicely played.

You got the sex first.

Well, I wasn't married yesterday.

I win.

Mmm, except, that most of the sex yot

is based on my system of needing you to do th,

which is now over.

I win a little less.

What are you doing?

Just reading this latest issue of Birds USA.

Hey, check out the crest on this Northern Lapland, huh?

Whoa.

Yeah, you like what you see?

I do.

That plumage would definitely attract a ma.

Well, too bad.

What do you mean?

I mean that until you agree to get a dog,

I'm withholding sex.

(SCOFFS) Good luck.

What do you mean, "good luck"?

You want it as much as I do.

Plus, I mean, come on.

Look at this, huh?

There's no way you can resist this.

Huh?

Flat-ish stomach.

Perfect amount of chest hair.

Oopsie.

Did I drop something?

Oh, yeah?

Well, I can drop stuff too.

Huh?

Check out these tight b.

Oh, what?

Did somebody say, "silken, creamy thighs"?

We're getting a bird.

We're getting a dog.

A bird. Dog.

Bird! Dog!

Aw, look at this little guy, hey, hey there.

Just so you know, neither of these are allowed in the building.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Listen, I've been thinkg about my whole system

of, you know, me doing stuff, so you'll do stuff,

I don't know, maybe it's good that it's ove.

How so?

Well, from now on, if I ask you to do somethin,

you'll do it because you love and support me.

And if we have sex,

it will be solely as an expression of our love for each ot.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, my God,

I can't believe I got through that with a straight face.

Yeah, listen, I think I've come up with, um,

something a little bit more realistic.

Hmm.

I have put together a pretty comprehensive "sex for chores" list.

"Sex for chores"? Isn't that a little cra?

A little, yes.

But I think it'll really streamline our marriage

all the way up until we're dead.

Hmm, all right, whatever gets us there.

Right? Okay.

So, look, all right,

I know that you want me to move all the second bedroom stuff

down to the storage locker.

I do.

Okay, well, let's look at the chart.

Under "Household chores/heavy lifting"

and this is the act that you'd have to perform.

That seems a little excessive.

Well, let's just check t the conversion chart...

and you'll see that one of those equals two of these.

Lady's choice.

I've never felt more like a lady.

How about instead I give you this.

Oh, please, I can do that myself.

In fact, let's just cross this one out.

I'm better at it anyway.

You know, sometimes you are so annoying, I wish you'd just shut .

I will...

if you do this.

All right, you guys have the honor of seeing the world premiere

of the video that's goig to launch my new busine.

Our new business.

My new business.

Feast your eyes.

You love steaming hot soup.

But hate the nightmare of eating it.

And waiting for it to c, who has that kind of ti?

(CLOCK TICKING)

You try cooling it with ice cubes.

(HARP STRINGS CHIME)

But that just makes it cold and watery.

We can use the other shot again...

The problem is your old, outdated spoo.

But wait,

there's a better way.

(MUSICAL CHIME)

That's right, it's Cool Hand Soup.

The new Cool Hand Soup spoo.

Don't let regular spoons destroy your life anymo.

Okay, got the camera set up on the tripod here.

All right. Let's get a little weird this tim.

(GIGGLES) Ooh!

We can edit that out.

All right, that really didn't work for me.

I think we need a chunkier soup.

Do we have a chowder?

That's better, but, uh, let's try a minestrone.

All right, all righ, just, wait, wait...

You know, I liked that.

But you know what, let's do one more tomato again.

All right, I'm done...

Okay, all right, we're ready to shoot th.