Original subtitles

Hey.

How about I trade you my wheat toast

for your bacon?

(CHUCKLES)

Pass.

Hey!

You should have taken the trade.

Hey, ease up on those flapjacks, Tim.

I'll take them.

You gotta save room.

I'm taking you to the executive dining room for lunch today.

(INDIFFERENTLY) Oh, yes.

Don't get too excited.

Sir, it's just that wher you do something nice for m,

you always have an ulterior motive.

(SHRILLY) What? When?

What... Define "always."

Every single time.

Oh, yeah, what about that time I went on vacation,

and I let you use my apartment for a week?

It was very generous of me.

You smelled a gas leak and sent me in as a can.

I ended up in the hospi.

Oh, yeah. The hospital.

Where you get an adjustable bed

and all the Jell-O you can eat.

You even had that fun old guy as a roommate.

Yes. He was fun.

Until 4:00 a.m., when he died.

Not quietly, I might add.

What's wrong with these pancakes?

Oh. They're multigrain,.

Yuck.

RUSSELL: You know,

I thought you had earned lunch in the fancy dining room,

but forget it.

You're actually serious about this?

Yes. I know I'm not always the greatest guy,

but I'm trying to make up for it here.

If you don't wanna go, , but all I can do is try.

Well, sir, perhaps I misjudged the situati.

No, no, no, no, no.

Lunch sounds lovely.

And I'm sorry I assumed you had an ulterior mot.

Yeah.

Okay, here's my ulterior motive.

See this hot waitress over there?

I'm gonna try to nail h, and you're gonna help m.

You know, at a certain point,

the blame is not entirely on you.

♪ How many ways to say I love you?

♪ How many ways to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side There is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Wow. So that's the new chair.

So what do you think? It's horrible.

I was asking Jen.

I think I speak for everyone.

You have been against this chair

ever since I showed it to you on the website.

That's not true. I say we get six more

and make our own Tilt-A-Whirl.

I like it. It's kinda funky.

Thank you, Jen.

Hey. What do you think?

Hey, what are you gonna do with the crate?

Just put it in the dumpster.

In fact, you guys can take it down for me.

Once we get rid of that crate,

we're stuck with this piece of crap forever.

Liked it when I saw it online.

Love it even more now.

(CHUCKLING)

(WHINING) I hate it.

Hey, instead of getting rid of this,

can I have it? Why?

Pfft. Build a fort, yo.

You know you're an adult, right?

Oh, no, it's not for me. It's for Jen's nephew L.

Right.

It is. Okay.

And is Logan here with us right now?

He's real, okay?

We're babysitting him tomorrow,

and he'd love it if I had a fort.

Fine, I hope that "Logan" enjoys it.

He's real.

Sure.

He is! Sure.

Well, if you hate it, why did you buy it?

It looked totally different on the websit.

It had all these cool graphics and music and..

Now that it's here, it'. Oh, God, look at it!

Well, is it at least comfortable?

It is not.

I can barely hear anythg in this stupid dome.

Well, can you return it?

Oh, what, and let Jeff think he's right?

No. I gotta figure out a way to get rid of it

without that conniving weasel thinking he won.

(SIGHS)

You guys have a different relationship than Adam and I.

I know. It's sweet. You're in love.

But it all leads to the same place.

I been working this waitress for awhil,

but she won't give me the time of day.

It's 12:30. May I go now?

No. Here's the play.

You're Mowgli, an Iraqi street urchin

that I rescued from the war.

Why? 'cause I'm a great guy.

That's what I do.

And how plausible is that, sir?

I'm wearing a suit.

And you're welcome for that.

Remember, that suit's for wearing, not eating.

Oh, I didn't see you there.

I was too busy mentoring the disadvantaged.

I don't think we've formally met.

I'm Russell Dunbar.

Yes, Dunbar, whose name is on the building.

Yawn. (LAUGHS)

(MOUTHING) Wow.

I'm Gwen. Are you ready to order?

You know what?

Some people find excessive wealth

to be a burden, but not me.

It gives me a chance to take on projects.

Like this little guy.

Look at him! He's a cutie.

All dressed up to eat.

I'll give you guys another minute.

Okay.

Why do I feel like I'm doing all the work here?

(SIGHS)

Uck.

You know, Jeff, I was thinking,

even though I really love the chair,

I just can't really enjoy it that much

knowing how much you hate it.

Really?

Yeah. So I'm just gonna pack it up and return i.

Whoa, whoa... Are you gonna need the crate for that?

You can still make a fot out of pillows and blan.

That's bush league, bro!

Why don't you guys go get the crate,

and we will go get you some beers.

Something doesn't feel right.

Well, you are kinda jerking Logan around.

Audrey caved way too easy.

She said it's because you don't like it.

Yeah. But I hate most stuff.

That's never stopped her from buying anything anyone sells.

Unless...

She doesn't like the chair.

But she says she loves the chair.

Well, of course she's not gonna

come out and admit she hates it.

I'd destroy her.

Wait a minute. You hate the chair,

and she's sending it ba. You won.

That was just a battle. I wanna win the war.

What war? Marriage.

Marriage isn't gonna be like this for me and.

Sure, it will.

Uh, hey, uh, I was just thinking, you know,

what kind of selfish anl is gonna make a wife

return something that she loves so much?

Oh, um... I appreciate that, hone,

but I'm okay sending it back.

I'm confused, because

I know that you love it so.

Oh... I do.

All right, well, I'm not gonna ruin that.

You love this chair. Damn it, I love you.

I'm gonna learn to love it.

Uh... (LAUGHS) Honey,

you really don't have to... No, no, no.

This chair is a monument to our love.

And it will stay right e for the rest of our liv.

In fact, if you go before me

I'll bury you in it.

Come on, I'm flailing here.

I need you to play up the refugee angle.

(SIGHS) Sir, do you honestly thk

this woman believes I'm a refugee?

No. 'cause you're not selling it.

Here she comes. Eat with your hands or something.

(FORK CLATTERS)

Is everything all right here?

It's great with me. But I think Mowgli here

is a little afraid of my soft-shell crab.

He thinks it's one of his angry eight-armed gods or something.

Argh! It's not.

It's just a crab. Mmm!

(MUFFLED) It's good. No thunder, no light...

(COUGHS)

Oh, my God. He's choking!

Do you know the Heimlich Maneuver?

(INDIFFERENTLY) Yes.

(GRUNTING)

(PANTING)

Sir, are you all right?

I...

Do you know mouth-to-mouth?

(SIGHS) This is not my day.

(CLATTERING)

Adam?

(STUTTERS) I'm down here.

(CHUCKLES) Don't worry.

Going to bed soon.

Well, it's morning already.

You've been doing this all night.

Well, the loss of sleep is gonna be worth it

when you see the crown moldings in here.

All right, I'm gonna go get some breakfast.

You want me to bring you back something?

Sure. I'll take a hot glue gun

and some miniature curtains.

So then I restored Mr. Dunbar's breathing,

and, uh... He was fine.

What were you thinking?

Heimlich and mouth-to-mouth too?

You had two cracks at not helping.

What's going on?

Timmy saved Russell's l.

Why?

I know, I know.

The upshot was that Gwe, the comely waitress,

thought I was quite heroic.

I'm taking her to dinner tonight.

Is that the one Russell was hitting on?

The very same.

You know, saving Mr. Dunbar's life

was neither here nor there,

but stealing the woman he's trying to bed

is remarkably satisfyin.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Huh. Human Resources wants to see me.

To pick up some sort of accolade or commendation, no doubt.

A sexual harassment complaint against me?

But that's absurd! Who would make such a...

Hey, Phyllis. Sorry I'm late.

You.

Hello, Mr. Patel.

Okay. Let's get started.

Phyllis, would you mind

leaving the door open?

I don't feel safe around the predator.

So have you figured out why Jeff wants to keep the chair?

No. I quickly ruled out he was just being considerate.

He obviously knows I don't like the chair,

and he's trying to torture me.

I really don't think Adam and I are gonna end up...

(LAUGHS) Of course you are.

Just accept it.

So what now?

So we move the chair into the baby's room.

After a while, Jeff will forget about ,

and I can sneak it down to the storage locker.

Well, it's probably for the best.

That thing would scare the hell out of the baby.

Oh, hey, Aud. Hey...

What did you do?

Well, I asked myself,

"Why would Audrey hide the chair in the baby's room?"

"It must be because I said I don't like it."

That thought just made my heart sink.

You love this chair. You should be able to sit in it all the time.

Come on.

Thank you.

Hot wing?

Yes? Would you like a hot wi?

Chili peppers and spice.

They're spicy?

You got that from the word spices, didn't?

No, thanks. Had a late lunch.

Fine. More for me.

What?

Nothing.

I gotta say, this chair's growing on.

What?

(QUIETLY) Really growing on me.

Now, Mr. Dunbar claims you put your lips on his for roughly 20 seconds.

Because he had passed out.

Well, Phyllis, as you've warned me before, that does not make it o.

It was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Tell me, how does saving someone's life

bring about charges of sexual harassment?

I understand your conce,

because I've met Mr. Dunbar.

But I'm legally required to go through this proc.

Now, he also claims that you came up behind him,

put your arms around hi, and made several thrust.

He was like an animal.

It was the Heimlich Maneuver. You know what?

I am not going to sit here and entertain this nonsense.

I have somewhere to be. Oh, really?

Where? To go on a date with a certain waitress

who works for this very company?

Oh, I get it.

Very, very clever, Mr. Dunb.

On this occasion, I'm afraid this will no.

Oh, really?

Phyllis, correct me if I'm wrong,

but according to paragraph 9, subsection 4

of the company handbook.

You mean the Dunbar Clause.

(LAUGHS)

Yes, thanks for the shout out.

As long as there's an open harassment complaint

against an employee,

they are forbidden from interoffice relati.

Technically, that is correct.

Amen, sister.

You disgust me.

Ooh!

That certainly wasn't the vibe you were putting out yesterday.

(SINGSONG) Check it out.

I finished the fort. It took a while,

but I think it was worth taking a vacation day for.

(EXHALES) Pretty sweet, huh?

It's great, honey, but I have bad news.

My brother called, and Logan's sick. He's not coming.

I see.

And Logan had your brother call you

instead of calling me himself?

I'm really sorry.

No, no. It's okay.

Guess it was just a waste of time.

No, it wasn't!

In fact,

maybe you and I should spend some time in there together.

Honey, there's kind of a no girls allowed poli.

Well, what if that girl is me

having sex with you?

Okay.

Maybe I can waive the policy just this once.

Obviously, there's no basis for a complaint here.

But clearly, the two of you

have a very dysfunctional relations.

Judge-y!

I would recommend that Mr. Patel

be transferred to another department.

Well, that seems a little ras.

Can you put that in writing?

I'll give you a few minutes to discuss.

Okay. Don't worry.

I'm not gonna transfer you anywhere.

We're gonna work this o.

I have no desire to work this out.

You and I are through.

Good-bye.

(QUIETLY) Don't go.

Excuse me?

(MUTTERS) Don't go.

I'm sorry. Are you saying "oil can?

(SINGSONG) Don't go.

Why?

Because I (FADING) need you.

Really?

Okay. I'll stay under one condition.

I want you to thank me for saving your life.

Haven't I already thanked you?

No. Actually, you accused me of rape.

Wow. You really hear what you wanna hear.

Good-bye. Ah.

Thank you.

For what?

(MUTTERING) Saving my life.

You're welcome, sir.

(SIGHS) Okay. That's done.

Now, let me take you out for a nice dinner, somewhere fancy.

Is that really the reason?

You want to make it up to me?

You want me to tell you now or when we get there?

Okay, look, I, uh...

I haven't been completely honest with .

There's something I need to confess about the chair.

Really? And what is that?

I just don't think it works.

Is that right? Yes.

Well, I can't say that I'm surprised.

Hopefully, you learned a little something.

Oh, I did, and, uh, I think I fixed the pro.

What did you do?

Well, when you moved it out here,

I realized it didn't look right. It needed a friend.

Plus, you said it's growing on you, right?

I did say that.

Besides, I thought you'd get jealous staring at me in my cha.

Same day delivery?

That couldn't have been cheap.

(LAUGHS) Oh, it was not!

But it was worth it just to see the look on your face.

ADAM: (SIGHS) I knew fort sex would be awesome.

JENNIFER: Yeah, but it's pretty hot in .

Yeah, it is.

No. I mean I'm boiling.

Oh. I'll open the curtains.

No, I have to get out of here.

(WOOD RATTLING)

I can't. The door's stuck!

Move over. Just let me try.

I can't! We're in a box!

I knew I should never have waived the no girls allowed policy.

Can you change the channel?

What? (GROANS)

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

What? Can you please change the channel?

Hold on. I'm getting another cal.

Oh.

Never was a Logan, was there?

No... No, no, no!