Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

-Hi. -Hey.

Oh, is somebody eating with you?

No, just me.

Oh, of course. That's not an obscene amount of food...

...for one person.

Well, it's your fault. It's this baby you put inside me.

I am hungry all the time.

Yesterday, I ate a whole package of hot dog buns.

Well, now, given your lifestyle...

...I'm guessing that you passed on the wieners.

AUDREY: Just coffee to go.

-Scrambled eggs, pancakes... -No.

Hash browns, bacon...

-No, no, no, no. -A scone.

There's no one growing inside of you.

He'll have egg whites, dry toast, fruit, and turkey bacon.

Ugh. Turkey. Stupid lean, flightless bird.

Uh, you heard what the doctor said about your cholesterol.

-He was impressed. -That you're alive.

So then I guess that's a "no" to steaks and the NBA playoffs...

...tonight at the Cattle Drive bar and grill?

The doctor said Jeff has to drop 15 pounds.

Oh, come on. That's easy. He could shave that off in body hair.

Well, listen, just because it worked for you....

All right, I gotta go to work.

You be good.

You, do not feed him, no matter how much he begs or licks your face.

-Do me a favor. Just... -Mm.

Eat with your mouth open so I can smell it.

Okay.

RUSSELL: Yikes.

-Oh. -Scoot over, preggo.

Uh, just coffee.

Oh, me too. Just keep it coming, please. I am exhausted.

Jen started this new boot-camp workout...

...so now we've been getting up every day at dawn.

-You're working out with her? -No.

I'm already about as cut as you wanna be.

Anyway, we're getting up every day at 5...

...so it's lights out by 9:30.

So you have a bedtime.

I wouldn't call it that.

No, just a set time every night that Jen makes you go to bed.

That's right.

That's right. And I'm not even sleepy that early.

Maybe you should try telling yourself this story.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say That I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

Good morning, sir.

Timmy, I'm bored.

Well, doing nothing for 40 years will often bring that on, sir.

Ugh, now I'm even bored-er.

Hey.

I finished running those copies you wanted.

Thank you.

Mr. Dunbar. This is our new intern from NYU, Topher.

Hey, Crockett from Miami Vice called, heh, he wants his stubble back.

I don't know who that is.

But you know what?

I like the statement you're making with your hair.

Thanks. Hey, um....

Just so I know my statement's coming across...

...what are you getting exactly?

Ironic 70's porno guy.

Oh, great. It's working.

Topher, all these copies will need to be redone, I'm afraid.

-You missed side two of the document. -Fine, whatever.

The world doesn't need trees...

...much.

Ha, ha. Oh, that's funny.

He says it like he thinks we don't need trees...

...but he really thinks that we do.

Yes, I was here.

I like this guy.

Maybe we should take him out with us tonight.

We're going to this cool club. It's called Spaces. It's pretty maj.

My friends and I go there ironically...

...to make fun of people who actually like it. Heh.

TIMMY: Hmm.

Dude, that's why I go there, ironically. Heh.

But this clown thinks it's cool.

No, I go because you've made it part of my job...

...to stand next to you as you spew crude double entendres at women...

...just this side of streetwalkers.

Hey, if we're lucky they're on this side.

I pray my parents die never knowing what I do for a living.

They don't know you work for me?

In an effort to preserve my dignity...

...I've told them I'm the mop boy at the 8th Avenue peep show.

Please, you couldn't carry Glenn's bucket.

And if that's your attitude...

...maybe I'll just hang out with Topher here tonight. Whoo.

It's me and you. How about it, Toph? You wanna go?

Ah, well, there's an underground club I was gonna check out.

I guess you could come.

All right.

I'll meet you there at 9.

Heh. So we can stand there like tools for four hours until it opens?

[♪♪♪]

Sandwich and fries for you.

Salad, light dressing and a scoop of tuna.

I ordered a hamburger, what the....

-Audrey got to you, didn't she? -Yup.

Dammit. How'd she do that?

You wouldn't understand. She tips.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Well, I'm not gonna be starting now.

Hello there, gents.

Mr. Dunbar is engaged tonight, so I'm as free as a bird.

Who might be up for a wee bit of mischief?

Leprechauns?

I would love to do something with you, Timmy...

...but, um, oh, crap, I need to get home.

-Move, move. -It's past his bedtime.

No, it isn't.

I've got 20 minutes.

-Then why are you leaving? -I still have to take my bath.

So, what say, Mr. Bingham? Hmm?

An evening out? Capers and jests?

And I assure you wherever the night's fancy takes us...

...shall forever remain entre nous.

Uh, you know what? I don't think so. Um....

In fact, uh....

I'm sure, no.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

So, I'll just pay for this then, shall I?

[♪♪♪]

[CROWD WHOOPING]

Is this seat taken?

Oh, my God. Jeff, what are you doing here?

Don't act all surprised, Brett Favre.

Teasing me with this photo of your meat.

You wanted this to happen.

Does Audrey know you're here?

No. And she can't find out.

Don't worry...

...this will be our secret.

It has to be. Tonight it's just you, me...

...and whatever's left of that cow.

[♪♪♪]

See, isn't it nice going to sleep together?

I'd hate to become one of those couples with separate bedtimes.

I know. That would be...

...different than this.

I need you. I have trouble falling asleep without you in the bed.

[PATS BED]

Hey, you know what helps me fall asleep?

Sex stuff.

Oh, I would but it's already past 9:30.

But we haven't done it since you started this boot camp.

I know, but you can still hold me.

That's just as good.

JENNIFER: Mm.

Oh, yeah...

...this is great.

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH SIGH]

-That was amazing. -Oh.

-You are insatiable. -Heh.

Ah, I don't get to do this with Audrey anymore...

-...so I wanted to make the most of it. -Ugh.

God, Audrey. I feel so guilty...

...going behind her back like this.

Uh, look, I do too, it just happened.

It's not like we planned that.

Jeff, you phoned in your order.

So, what do you think?

Tomorrow you can maybe sneak away for a little Duane's Barbecue?

No, look. We gotta make this just a one-time thing.

I suppose you're right.

Would you like me to bring you some dessert menus?

Very much so.

[♪♪♪]

TIMMY: Sir? -Yo!

I'm shocked to see you in so early.

It's not early, dude. I'm still going from last night, bro.

Oh, you haven't been to sleep?

[CHUCKLES] Sleep?

I'll take "outmoded societal constructs" for 200, Alex.

Who's Alex? I don't know, I don't have a TV, I'm not a douche.

You do and you are, sir.

Dude, I was out all night with Topher and his NYU crew.

We went to happening places on purpose, and lame ones...

[IN LOW VOICE] ...ironically.

At no point did anyone question who invited Hall from Hall And Oates?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Spoken like a jealous Oates.

That's right, you're Oates. Take it.

-Sir-- -Take it!

It's taken, I'm Oates.

Ha, ha. You admitted it.

Look, where is Topher?

I have some filing for him to do.

Whoa, whoa. Topher's not some slave for you to oppress...

...General Moammar Kadorky.

-Topical. Take it. -It's taken.

Topher's busy planning our next hangout.

Are you sure you can keep up...

...with Topher and his pretentious hipster friends?

The question is, can they keep up with...

[IN LOW VOICE] ...me?

[IN NORMAL VOICE] And now, newly reenergized...

I've got important work to do in my office.

[GROANS]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I love you.

I love you too.

Hey, thanks again for those flowers.

JEFF: Oh.

Just because.

Tied to no reason.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

-Hello. -Guess what I'm about to eat right now?

It's Larry from work. I'd better go take this.

AUDREY: Mm-hm.

[SIGHS]

What are you doing? Audrey was right next to me.

Dude, I am at Duane's Barbecue.

Okay, and they just brought me the biggest rack of ribs...

...I have ever seen in my entire life. Hold on. Hold on.

Okay, I'm sending you a picture of my rack.

AUDREY: Jeff.

Yes.

While you're in there, check the kale. Give it a stir.

Okay.

Why don't you come join me?

Look, we agreed, you and I, it was a one-time thing.

Plus, Audrey's already making...

...dinner.

-Everything okay? -Ah.

I gotta to run off to the office.

Right now? But I made a pound and a half of kale.

I know, I feel bad.

It's just Larry said the NASDAQ's all....

It's this whole thing.

Oh, don't try to look it up on the internet.

It'll just depress you.

[♪♪♪]

MAN 1 [OVER HEADPHONES]: The fire we reported at the old fire hall...

...is still burning out of control.

There are no reports of injuries but a three-block area has been--

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS OVER HEADPHONES]

[BUTTON CLICKS]

MAN 2: Score remains 97-98--

[SEXY MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]

[BUTTON CLICKS]

MAN 3: --by the Senate.

He had some of the backbone to kill this.

[♪♪♪]

[MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]

Check out that loser in front of us.

Still waiting an hour-and-a-half to get in.

Isn't that what we're doing?

This place is gonna be pretty great.

Yeah. Great.

Um, are you being ironic?

Yeah, totally am.

Oh, well, then, uh, you wanna get out of here?

Go somewhere else?

Yeah, I really wanna do that.

Sweet.

Right.

I was already....

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

-Hey. -Where've you been?

-To the office, like I said. -Nope, I called the office.

There was no answer. I was worried.

And then I took a walk.

-It's a terrific town to take a walk in-- AUDREY: Shut up.

I want the truth, Jeff.

I know you're up to something. What is that red mark on your collar?

Huh?

-It's nothing. -Oh.

That is not nothing. It's...

Oh, my God. Is that barbecue sauce?

What? No, of course not. It's not-- It's not barbecue sauce.

It's lipstick.

I'm having an affair. It's been going on for a while.

Mm-hm, an affair, huh?

Then why did I find this in your wallet?

It's a condom for my sex affair.

It's a wet-nap, Jeff!

Have you been running off to eat bad food with Brenda?

Yeah. I didn't tell you...

...because I wanted to spare your feelings.

Oh, God. Look, you cut me off, I had to go somewhere else.

-So you go running to Brenda? -No, not necessarily Brenda.

There have been others?

Look, I.... I'm always gonna crave bad foods, Audrey.

That's just how I am.

That's why I worry about you.

I can't help it. This is what me loving you looks like.

Isn't there some kind of compromise?

Well, I'd be willing to try loving you less.

Hey, maybe if you weren't such a fanatic. Come on.

If you were to just let up a little, then I would do better.

I'd order egg whites instead of eggs.

-And turkey bacon? -Oh, come on.

It's a deal breaker.

All right. But then I get my home fries.

Done.

So, where did you two go?

-Uh, we went to Duane's Barbecue. -Ugh.

-And I thought about you the whole-- -Oh, shut up.

[♪♪♪]

Where's that little sex-offender you're always with?

He had other plans.

So once more, I'm on my own.

You know, Doreen, uh...

...I've been meaning to compliment you on that.

Oh, I've had them since I was 12 years old.

Oh, no, no, no. Um....

I was referring to the pin you're wearing.

"Tipping is not just a city in China." Well done.

Thanks, I was hoping you'd like it.

Oh, look at us, two strangers in a big city.

We see each other daily, yet I know so little about you.

Who is this enigma we call Doreen?

Nice try, but I'm married.

Sir, what are you doing here?

I just stopped by to goof on this place...

...because it's so conventional and mainstream.

Hey, a diner that sells pie. How original.

-What do you want? -Pie, please.

I'm gonna eat it ironically.

So, uh, will Topher and his hipster friends...

...be joining you here to help you give pie what for?

No, I left them at some club in Brooklyn.

Truth is, it's hard being cooler than everyone else.

You have to keep track of what you're actually enjoying...

...and what you're mocking because other people enjoy it.

Ah, I don't have that many levels.

Yes, one level would be rounding it up.

Take it.

It's taken.

What about you?

-Having a good time? -Ah. Not really, sir.

Everybody I know is in some kind of relationship.

Then I realized that, for better or for worse...

...and make no mistake it's often the latter...

...you're the most significant relationship I have.

Wow, you cast a wide net.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[SEXY MUSIC PLAYING OVER HEADPHONES]

Adam.

Adam.

Oh. Hey, honey.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]