All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E22.Double.Down.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

Hi, hello there, Ronald.

Hey, Timmy, I bought a new vest
for your party.

I'm sorry, I'm going
to need that explained.

It's like a shirt,
only without the sleeves.

No, the other part.
Um, my party?

Yeah, you know, for you
finally becoming a U.S. citizen.

Anyway, thanks, I don't get
invited to a lot of parties.

Hey, Tim,

how was the weekend
in the tepee?

You and the squaws grill up
some of that multi-colored corn?

Sir, perhaps you can enlighten
me as to why weird Ronald

is under the impression
we're having a party?

All right,
you're going to love this.

Will I?
Yeah.

You know Maya, that chick
I've been chasing around?

The party planner?

Exactamundo!

I'm bringing that back.
Dynamite, sir.

Anyway, I can never get
any quality time

with her to work my magic

because she's so focused
on her stupid job.

So, uh, I'm gonna hire her
to throw a party, hm?

To celebrate me
becoming a citizen.

Which, by the way,
occurred over a decade ago.

Yeah, it was either that
or you beating cancer,

but that made you too heroic.

Sir, why involve me at all?

Couldn't you have said
you're celebrating something?

Like a birthday
or six months STD-free?

Six months? Heh, heh, I wish.

I'm sorry, sir.

But I refuse to trivialize
my citizenship,

which I happen
to take quite seriously

on the altar of duping
an unsuspecting woman.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, Timmy.

I'm really looking forward
to your citizenship party.

As am I.

Stars and stripes
and what have you, so...

"I refuse to trivialize my--"
Oh, shut up.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say I love you? *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side
There is no denying *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

So, what's it like
to be eating for two?

Well, at first,
I got to say--

Oh, honey,
I wasn't talking to you.

Seriously, slow down,
you're gonna choke.

If it's my time, it's my time.

Well, it's not your time yet,
okay?

Friday morning, we get
our first look at the baby.

JEFF:
That's right.

Brenda will put on that gown
and get on the table.

A doctor
will get the first glimpse

of the life growing within her.

Let me know how that goes.

You'll know
because you're going.

Yeah, it's your baby,
you big Mount Rushmore head.

It'd be all right if it was up
in Audrey's regions.

But you're my softball buddy.

You're gonna be
in that chair all, you know:

Pfft.

Do you know how
we're gonna look at the baby?

I'm no doctor,

but I assume it has something
to do with a camera

pointed at Brenda's, uh...

entrance.

You say you're not a doctor,
but I don't believe you.

The doctor waves an ultrasound
wand over Brenda's belly.

Then an image of the baby
shows up on a screen.

Oh, so there's no--?

No, don't, no.

Beauty. Beast.

Oh.

It hurts to be mocked

by someone with the exact hair
as the mom from The Brady Bunch.

Do you mean TV icon
Florence Henderson?

America's mom?
Hm, I'll take it.

[BRENDA CHUCKLES]

Who are you?

That's Brenda. You've met her
roughly a dozen times, sir.

Oh, right, Brenda,
the softball lesbian.

That's what it says
on my business cards.

Hm, yes, and we all know
what kind of,

uh, business you do.

So, what's everyone doing
Friday night?

Well, Knicks/Lakers are on TV

and then I thought I'd try

to get on top
of old Audrey, here.

Jeff's watching a Knicks game
and then nothing.

Why, what's going on?

Well, I'm hosting
a sweet throw-down

to celebrate old Timbo, here,
becoming a U.S. citizen.

I thought
he already was a citizen.

It's a long story.

Russell's trying to bag
some woman?

I stand corrected.

[***]

Hello, everyone.
How's it going, doc?

To be honest, it's been
a pretty rough morning.

Huh?
Oh, I'm sorry.

I was so close to breaking 80

and then I chucked a tee shot
straight into the water.

Again, so sorry.

Eh, trying to move past it.

All right. Who's ready to have
a look at the little guy?

We're so excited.

This is conductive gel,
may be a bit chilly.

[GEL SPLUTTERS]

[JEFF AND BRENDA CHUCKLE]

Yeah, I could squeeze it slower,

but then
you don't get that noise.

Okay, there's the amniotic sac.
Everything looks good.

And that tiny spot?
That's your baby.

[GASPS]

Oh. Isn't that the most adorable
tiny spot you've ever seen?

Yes.

And I'm not just saying that.

I can print you
a photo of the screen,

if you'd like to have one.

Oh, yeah, of course, we would.
Uh, no, we wouldn't.

Why?

That's how they get you.

How they get you?

It's our baby, Jeff.

We didn't just
come off Space Mountain.

All right, fine. But just one.

And we don't need it on a mug
or a mouse pad.

Hey, look, Jeff.

Its little fist is clenched
around a tiny wallet.

[LAUGHS]

Huh.
What, is there a problem?

No, no, I'm seeing something
behind the amniotic sac.

It could be another one.

Wait.

You mean like twins?

It's not in a good position
to see, but it could be.

We'll know for sure
at your next appointment.

JEFF [WHISPERS]:
Twins?

Oh, my God.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I know.

It might be twins.

It might be.

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

Just so you know,
attendance is mandatory.

So Jeff and, uh...

I wanna say Martina?

You gotta be there.

Oh, how can I resist an invite

from the star
of the Chucky movies?

Great. Now, listen.

Maya's a real
career-oriented gal.

This is the first party
she gets to throw on her own.

So if she it does well,

there's gonna be an after party.

Guest list: me and Maya.
Location: me pants.

Time: 11 to 11:04.

Just be there, all right?

And bring that chick
that's having your baby.

Wow.

Speaking of babies,

[JEFF SIGHS]
could be twins, huh?

That was a real
gut punch for me.

Well,
at least it doesn't affect me.

Hm.
Anyway,

you kind of put on
a big happy face

for Audrey.
I had to,

because she was so happy. That's
a husband's job,

to hide his feelings
from his wife.

Push them deep down.

Really, Jeff?

I mean, how long
can you keep that up? Thanks.

All right. I just need
to make it to my goal age of 71.

Why 71?

I saw a 72-year-old guy naked
at the gym once.

Let's just say gravity wins.

[***]

Come on in.
Welcome to Timmy's America.

Hey, Ronald,
glad you could make it.

Whoa, Asia-vu.

My brother, Donald.
Uh, Mr. Dunbar, my boss.

Nice to meet you.
Oh, hey, how you doing?

Uh.

Oh, Ronald.

[SPEAKING IN
MADE-UP LANGUAGE]

Hey, hey, hey. Your brother's
having some sort of seizure.

No, like many twins,

we sometimes speak
a secret language

that only we understand.

[SPEAKS IN MADE-UP LANGUAGE]
Yeah.

Great, a valuable addition
to the scene.

Russell. Russell.
Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Uh,

is there smoking
allowed in here?

No. Is someone smoking?
Yes, you are.

[CHUCKLING]

Ah, let the charm wash over you.

I just hope Timmy's
having a good time.

I'm sure he is.

Where is he?
Who's that?

Timmy.
Oh, I don't know him.

Russell,
he's the guest of honor.

He needs to be mingling
to get things going.

No, no, no, I know, and I'll
find him and straighten him out.

He's new to America.
He doesn't know.

[TOILET SPUTTERING]

Oh, no.

Psst, Adam. Get in here.

That's what I'm talking about.

Okay, all right.

It's gotta be a quick one.
There's people waiting.

No, I clogged the toilet.

Oh, dude.

Way to kill the mood.
With tissues.

Heh, whatever you say, honey.

Just do something.

Well.

No, it's overflowing.

And everyone's gonna think
I did it.

Well, you did do it,
with your "tissues."

It was tissues.

Okay, calm down. We'll just
find someone else to pin it on.

No, we can't do that.

Sure, we can.

Uh, no, I wouldn't go in there
if I were you.

The bowl is clogged up
something fierce.

[BOTH GROAN]

It wasn't her.
No, it was, um--

It was those twins over there.

Ew.

I know. Creepy, huh?

All right.
It doesn't seem right.

Do you want people
thinking it was you?

No.
Okay.

What about me?
I don't wanna be the guy

whose fiancée choked the can.

Let's go.

[***]

Timmy.

Can I borrow you
for a little powwow?

Powwow's funny
because he's Indian, heh.

TIMMY:
Be right back.

What are you doing?

Chatting up Violet,
with whom,

I dare say,
I have a lovely connection.

Well, Maya,
with whom, I dare say,

I have a lovely connection

is freaking out
because you're not mingling.

Sir, the only reason I'm here
is because of Violet.

Well, if it wasn't for me,
you'd be at home

going all eight-arm god
on your pants puppet.

Get out there and mingle.
Okay.

For 10 minutes
and not one second more.

Twenty. Fifteen.
Ten. Ten.

Ten and one second more.
Fine.

JENNIFER: Hey.
Hey.

So you guys saw the baby?

We sure did.
Check it out.

Ah, amazing.
Wow. Oh, my God.

What are we looking at here?

That tiny spot right there,
that's our baby.

Oh, I'm so happy for you guys.
Wow.

Well, prepare to double
your happiness.

Oh, are you guys
getting a dog too?

No, uh, the doctor said
it might be twins.

So exciting.
Wow.

I know. Jeff,
I could use a drink.

I could use a Scotch
if you're gonna go to the bar.

Well, that's, uh,
still as charming as it was

at Nana's funeral.

Coming?
Sure.

So it could be twins, huh?
It's fantastic.

Yeah,
that's what we're going with.

My cousin has twins.
Twenty fingers, 20 toes.

That great baby stroller--

Yes, yes, two of everything,
I get it.

Whoa. What's going on?

I'm sorry,
I'm just a little freaked out.

You know,
I wasn't expecting twins.

But you seemed so excited
when you came in.

Yeah, I was pretending
for Jeff.

It's a wife's job,
fake it for your husband.

When the doctor said
it could be twins,

he was just so happy.

I mean, look at him.

My life's over, dude.

I mean,
how are we gonna handle twins?

Hey, speaking of.

See those freaky dudes
over there?

They totally wrecked
the crapper.

Oh, great.
They're reloading.

[***]

[***]

So why are you so worried
about having twins?

I don't know. It's hard
to point at any one reason.

Our place is too small.
We'll have to move.

And let's face it.
I'm not getting any younger.

Let's face it.
Jeff's not getting any younger.

And there's also the money.
Twins can be expensive.

No, that doesn't really enter
into it.

Biggest thing is the money.

I always wanted
to come to a place

where I'd be treated
with dignity and respect.

Hey. A little more Slumdog
on the accent.

See? Look.
He's working the room.

Oh, thank you so much.
Heh.

You know, at first I thought
you just threw this party

because you were trying
to get me in bed.

What? What the what--?

But who would go
to this much trouble?

Who? I mean, seriously, who?

Here, drink all of this.

Hey, you two know where
there's another bathroom?

Um, I think there's one
in the lobby.

Good, because those twins
ruined the one in here.

Oh, I had not heard that.

Wow, it's really getting around.

I feel so bad for those twins.

Look, Jen,
if we didn't pin it on them,

someone else would have.

And right there in front of me

was the Statue of Liberty.

Knowing my long, arduous journey
to a new world

was finally complete

I broke down and wept with--

[ALARM BEEPING]

Excuse me.

So twins, huh?

Yeah.

How great.
It's the best.

The more the merrier, I say.
Yeah, bring them on.

And the horse they rode in on.

What?
I don't know.

I can't do this anymore.
Look, I--

I've never lied to you before,

but I'm really worried
about having twins.

Oh, my God.
I'm really worried too.

And you lie to me all the time.

You're worried too?

But you were so excited
at the doctor's.

Honey, I was only acting excited
because you were so excited.

That's what I was doing.

[SIGHS]

I mean,
I was prepared for one, maybe.

But the thought of two?

I mean, God, will I be
a good-enough parent for two?

Will I have enough time
and energy

and, God, love to give them?

I mean, are those the things
you're worried about too?

Yes. Those things.

Okay, well,

we have to be realistic here.
I mean, this is a possibility.

We're gonna have to
get on board.

Let's look at the, uh,
all the upside.

Twins, uh,

positives about twins.

[SPEAKING IN
MADE-UP LANGUAGE]

That's not helping.

Oh, they're leaving.

I feel horrible.
I'm gonna go talk to them.

Just tell them
to cut down on the fiber.

All right, fresh meat.

Yes, a bloated,
pregnant lesbian.

Line up, fellas.

Why are you guys leaving?

Someone blamed us
for clogging the toilet.

And it's ridiculous.

It's not like
we go to the bathroom together.

Mm, except at home.

Super.

Hey.
Hey, look who's here.

Yeah, so how's the party?

Good, yeah.

You don't have to
use the crapper, do you?

So since this whole twins thing
has come up,

I've been a little freaked out

about the whole,
you know, exit strategy.

Oh, I get that.
Me too.

Anyway, I've just been really
nervous about the whole thing

and I couldn't wait
till our next appointment

so I went back on my own
to find out for sure.

And?

You know what?
I happen to like twins

and I think
other people do too.

So come on,
will you please stay?

Sure.
Okay, yeah, why not?

JEFF:
It's not twins.

We are not having twins.
Adam, good news.

We're not having twins.
Oh! Congrats!

All right. Thank God.

[GUESTS CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

Mr. Dunbar,

I, uh, can't seem
to locate Violet.

Any idea where she might be?

Oh, yeah, I told her to scram.

You did what?

Look, I'm on the verge
of closing it with Maya.

She wants you to say a few words
to the crowd.

I need you focused.
Don't be selfish.

MAYA:
If I could have
everyone's attention?

Our newest citizen

has a few words
he would like to say.

Heh, heh, heh.
Don't forget to thank me.

And if you can work it in
naturally,

mention that I'm rocking
a monster hog.

If you can.

TIMMY:
You're right, Maya.

I do have a few words to say.
First off,

I'd like to thank everyone
for being here to support me.

But I would especially
like to thank

my boss and friend,
Mr. Russell Dunbar.

[GUESTS CLAPPING]
In fact,

he's such a generous soul

I'd like him to have
the first piece of cake.

What?

Ooh, the whole top.

[GUESTS GASPING]

[TIMMY SIGHS]

RUSSELL:
I get what's going on here.

In the region of the country
where Timmy comes from,

throwing cake at someone

is the highest form
of praise and honor.

GUESTS: Oh.
Yeah.

So let's hear it for me
a little bit.

[MAYA WHISTLES]

So why don't you join me

in honoring

Timmy?

Come on, step up. Don't be shy.

It's your party. Oh!

There we go.

Oh, my God.
This is so much fun.

Heh, heh.
You threw a great party.

Let's go celebrate. Come on.
Wait, one second.

Hey.
Good news.

I think it's gonna happen.
Welcome to America, buddy.

[***]

[***]