Original subtitles

Anyway, we get to the end of the date

and I'm waiting for him to kiss me,

and all he offers was a fist bump.

So, what did you do? [SIGHS]

I punched it in.

Oh, maybe I should have cosmetic surgery to look more like that.

Oh, I don't think that's a good or possible idea.

Oh, I would do anything to have a body like hers.

Whoa, hold up, hors d'oeuvre man.

Thank you.

These are to die for.

I will take your word for it. Mm.

I'm starting to think I'm never gonna get a husband.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

I mean, don't look at every man as potential husband.

I guess you're right.

I shouldn't be so focused on being Liz, the wife.

There you go. I should just have fun.

I mean, I'm not gonna look like this forever.

Oh, I have some crudités on my left breast.

It actually goes with the dip that's on your right one.

[GASPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, my God.

What?

Look at me.

I am...art.

How on earth did that thing get into this--? Shh.

Just drink it in.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways to say That I'm not scared *

* When you're by my side *

* There is no denying

* I can't wait For me and you *

[**]

Wait, you actually bought a copy?

I, uh, happen to believe that I was underpriced.

This thing's gonna appreciate like crazy.

You know what? I think I remember that picture.

It was on a cover of Honcho magazine.

What's Honcho magazine?

I'm so straight, I don't even get my own reference.

Uh, so how did this happen?

In college, this photographer asked me to model for him.

I guess, he's become a big deal, probably thanks to me.

And the, uh--

It's pretty impressive.

This is his flat stomach, taut, sculpted muscles.

This faraway look in your eyes.

What were you thinking about?

Probably his upcoming audition for Wham.

What's Wham? I don't get it.

I'm sorry, what art gallery is your picture hanging in?

It's not in galleries,

it's on telephone poles near schools and parks.

All this thing does is remind you

that you don't look like this anymore.

Yeah, you know, I mean, you're like okay now.

But here, you were just a fantastic physical specimen.

I'm still pretty close to that, right, huh?

Yeah.

Except instead of a six-pack, he's got more of a keg in there.

[LAUGHS]

I mean-- I mean, you-- You were hot, man.

You've got the ripped abs, the lats, the delt,

just the right amount of chest hair.

Heads up, Audrey.

I think he wants a piece of your husband.

No way.

Well, not this one.

[**]

Ow.

[GRUNTS] What happened?

I-- I tried to take a picture of myself in the mirror

and I got blinded.

Honey, we've talked about how a mirror works.

You know, honey, I think we should have

a professional photo taken of us.

Why?

Jeff had one of himself when he was in his prime.

He was in such good shape,

and his hair was tousled just right--

Okay, okay, Audrey warned me about this.

I think we should have a picture of ourselves in our prime.

You know, I mean, looks fade, wrinkles start to appear,

things start sagging.

And I might not look as good either.

Adam, we are gonna age just fine.

I'm just saying, we've both seen your mom.

Hey, my mom is-- I mean she's...

Yeah, a picture might be nice.

[**]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Hey.

What are you doing?

Juicing up a health drink.

Juice? Health?

You don't know those words.

I do now. I've got whey protein, pure wheatgrass

and seaweed extract in here.

I'm getting back to that.

How many of those things did you buy?

And, babe, why are you doing this?

For the art-loving public.

And when did we get a juicer?

Uh, last night on the way home from the gym.

It's pretty powerful too.

Look. Our wooden spoon.

It's a little splintery.

[**]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Well, thanks for inviting me along, sir.

Well, I've been in little bit of a slump,

I thought you might be helpful.

Well, then I'm, uh, honored to be your moral support.

Yeah, you just stand there looking skinny, poor and geeky.

It will highlight that the alternative is available.

And you're welcome to paying your cover charge.

Stop living in the past, Tim.

We gotta find out which one of these

delightful young ladies I'm gonna wear like a belt.

You find a lot of ways

to say the same thing over and over again.

Hey, could you do me a favor?

Looks like the decision's been made for me.

[WHISTLES]

Hi, I'm Russell. You've chosen wisely.

My name is Dawn. Oh, as in, uh--

Cue the "crack of" joke.

This creepy guy is hitting on me.

Can you sit here so he gets the hint?

Of course, I can.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, my God, I love this band.

I know, I really like them and what they do.

What's your favorite song of theirs?

That's a tough one.

I would maybe say the first song on side two.

What's a side two?

Who knows, I'm too busy tweeting my besties.

Oh, hey, sorry.

Oh, sorry, dude.

My father here just found me and he's really mad

because I'm supposed to be grounded.

I'm really sorry, Dad.

Thank you so much, sir.

Yeah, I'm happy to, uh, help.

"Sir?"

"Dad?"

Look on the bright side.

She could have reasonably gone "Grandpa."

Dude, I took you out here

thinking you could help my slump,

but instead, I'm watching my strikeout

reflected in those Hubble telescopes you call glasses.

Sir, why not try learning a lesson from this

and graduate from dating girls to dating women.

[SIGHS]

You might be right, Tim. She was flat.

I meant someone a little more mature,

someone who might know what side two means.

For instance--

And may she one day forgive me

for bringing her to your attention.

--this woman over here.

All right, I'll do it.

All right.

I could do a little charity work tonight.

Get me out on my slump.

By the way, she's not gonna forgive you.

Hey, there. I thought I'd boot-scoot over here

and buy you a drink.

How about them, apples?

Sorry, I'm a lesbian.

Oh, really?

Effective immediately.

Ah.

[**]

Here you go. Another scotch.

Hey, thanks, Doreen. Um, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, they're real.

No, that's not what I was gonna ask, uh....

Wow, all right, I can't remember.

And what can I get you?

What is the healthiest thing on the menu?

Nothing.

Hey, what's wrong? Why the orange face?

Just can't seem to break out

of the slump with the ladies.

Still?

You just gotta hang in there. Get back on the horse.

Ah, I'm sick of paying for it, though.

Horse.

I said-- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaking of, here comes Liz. Do not leave me alone with her.

Stay here. Okay, okay.

Hi, Jeffrey.

Russell, right? Yup.

Anyways, I gotta get back to my jogging, so I'll see you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mm.

That's it. I gotta run. Uh, it was good--

Here you go.

I ordered food. What a space cadet.

Doreen, could I get maybe one more?

And make it a double.

You know what? Make it two doubles.

[**]

Nice work, lover.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]: Mm-hmm.

[**]

[PUFFS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

What are you, uh...

I left you with...

You're wearing the same...

Oh, no.

Please don't tell anyone. Come on, man!

It was a mistake. I was drinking, man. Liz?

Is there enough booze?

Look, I was in that slump. No! No excuses!

You did a bad thing!

I can fix this, man.

Look, I'm not gonna take her calls,

and I'll avoid your building.

She'll get the hint, buddy.

And everything will be back to normal.

You're not gonna tell anyone, right?

I wouldn't wanna taste the words.

Thanks, buddy.

Get out of here. Yeah.

[**]

[**]

Ah, yes, very nice. Yes.

All right, I'm really liking what I'm seeing.

Thanks, Rudolfo. Now,

let's get a little sexier.

Why don't you both remove your tops.

Can do, Rudy.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet.

Oh, Jen, you saw my portfolio.

It'll be very tasteful.

We'll strategically cover any parts that may--

Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, if I may.

I'll tell you what, um, I'll go first on my own.

You'll see how easy it is, okay?

[SIGHS]

Rudolfo. All right. Yes.

There you go. Okay, yes.

Oh, now. Now.

You're having fun. You're having fun. Yes.

Like... [LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Yes. So much fun.

Now, now, you're a little shy. A little shy.

Oh, what? Oh, no. Oh, so shy.

Now you've got a secret. A secret.

What is it?

I...No. I wanted a different pose.

Wouldn't that be your secret?

No, I meant--

Okay, you know what?

Just to end this, I'm ready now.

Oh, all right. Here we go. There you go.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It's Liz.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Liz. Hey, Jeff, it's Liz--

I just wanted to let you know I took your advice.

Oh, great. So which gym did you join?

[CHUCKLES]

Not that advice, silly.

I met a guy, and I had fun in the moment.

AUDREY: Oh, good for you.

Half hour after we started talking,

we were playing the old Slap 'n' Tickle.

And I didn't think of him as husband material

because believe me, he was not.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah. I mean, obviously.

You're not gonna marry a guy you slept with that fast.

How long before you and Jeff started making love?

I don't think we slept together

till we'd been dating for a month.

[MOUTHS] Five days.

So who was this guy?

[CHUCKLES]

I'd really rather not say. He was kind of a bowser.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, well.

Who's proud to sleep with any man, really?

[CHUCKLES]

So how'd you leave it?

I pretended to sleep while he let himself out.

I think he got the message.

Let's just hope kitty doesn't come back

begging for some more milk.

[**]

She's embarrassed? No, no, no.

I'm embarrassed!

She said she was.

Called you a bowser. Woo-hoo

This can't be happening.

If she's happy to get rid of me,

I have officially hit rock bottom.

You sure that wasn't the time you called me at 2:00 a.m.

to ask if girls also had Adam's apples?

Oh, I'm positive. This is way worse.

It can't end this way.

I'm supposed to get her to want me,

then I dump her.

Just the way it goes, man.

Oh, sorry, it's already over, bowz.

Then I'll have to restart it.

Restart what?

If I know Mr. Dunbar, and I wish I didn't.

He's going to try to sleep with Liz again

so he can be the one to end it.

[GIGGLES]

Exactamundo.

I'm gonna bring the best game I've ever brought.

And when she's begging for more?

I'll tell her the circus just pulled out of loserville,

and we're on our way to Skank Town, U.S.A.

[LAUGHS]

[**]

Oh, Russell.

Oh, yeah, it's me.

And it's time for round two.

Well, I was just about to change the cat box liner.

Oh, what the H-E-double hockey sticks.

Let's do this.

[**]

Ahem, Jeff, wake up. What?

You were asleep. No.

I'm gonna make a smoothie, then jog.

Gotta look like this.

That's a cactus, Jeff.

Jeez, trying to look like your old picture is killing you.

You don't have to do this.

If I don't, then I'm just an old fat guy.

Oh, shut up.

You are in better shape than most guys your age,

and a lot of guys younger than you too.

True. But wouldn't you rather have that guy?

No. I had that guy.

His dorm room was full of neon beer signs

and a Kelly LeBrock poster.

[SCOFFS]

Before Seagal got ahold of her. I mean, come on, look.

Wouldn't you rather have that guy with the six-pack

than this guy with the keg?

Oh, honey, is that what this is about?

I was just teasing you.

I think you are way hotter now than you were back then.

How do you figure?

Well, I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.

Let's just go to bed and go to sleep, okay?

[**]

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, lover.

Last night was incredible.

Thanks, babe.

But here's the thing.

Before you go on, listen.

No, no, no, wait. You listen, okay?

See-- Wait. Listen.

If anyone's listening,

it's gonna be you, okay, so listen.

Listen. Listen. Listen. Listen.

Listen. Listen!

Listen! Listen!

Listen. Listen.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Let's try this again real quick.

[**]

So this is the picture we decided to blow up and frame.

Ready?

Wow.

What do you think? Uh, Jen looks hot.

Thanks.

What about me?

I'm not looking at you.

Can you?

Can.

Not gonna.

What do you care what he thinks? I just do.

I want him to like it.

Well, I think you look really sexy.

Thanks.

Anyway, no matter how bad we look when we get old,

we will always have this.

You'll also have this.

Is that me? Yes.

In an ad for a gay escort service.

Oh, my God.

The photographer must have

sold the picture to them,

and then they Photoshopped it.

Well, at least they chose a good shot.

This is the one where I have a secret.

I think the secret's out, buddy.

[**]

[**]