All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E21.The.Jeff.Photo.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

Anyway,
we get to the end of the date

and I'm waiting for him
to kiss me,

and all he offers
was a fist bump.

So, what did you do?
[SIGHS]

I punched it in.

Oh, maybe I should have cosmetic
surgery to look more like that.

Oh, I don't think
that's a good or possible idea.

Oh, I would do anything
to have a body like hers.

Whoa, hold up,
hors d'oeuvre man.

Thank you.

These are to die for.

I will take your word for it.
Mm.

I'm starting to think
I'm never gonna get a husband.

Don't put so much pressure
on yourself.

I mean, don't look at every man
as potential husband.

I guess you're right.

I shouldn't be so focused
on being Liz, the wife.

There you go.
I should just have fun.

I mean, I'm not gonna
look like this forever.

Oh, I have some crudités
on my left breast.

It actually goes with the dip
that's on your right one.

[GASPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, my God.

What?

Look at me.

I am...art.

How on earth did that thing get
into this--?
Shh.

Just drink it in.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say I love you *

* How many ways to say
That I'm not scared *

* When you're by my side *

* There is no denying

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[**]

Wait,
you actually bought a copy?

I, uh, happen to believe
that I was underpriced.

This thing's gonna
appreciate like crazy.

You know what?
I think I remember that picture.

It was on a cover
of Honcho magazine.

What's Honcho magazine?

I'm so straight, I don't even
get my own reference.

Uh, so how did this happen?

In college, this photographer
asked me to model for him.

I guess, he's become a big deal,
probably thanks to me.

And the, uh--

It's pretty impressive.

This is his flat stomach,
taut, sculpted muscles.

This faraway look
in your eyes.

What were you thinking about?

Probably his upcoming
audition for Wham.

What's Wham?
I don't get it.

I'm sorry, what art gallery
is your picture hanging in?

It's not in galleries,

it's on telephone poles
near schools and parks.

All this thing does
is remind you

that you don't look like this
anymore.

Yeah, you know, I mean,
you're like okay now.

But here, you were just
a fantastic physical specimen.

I'm still pretty close to that,
right, huh?

Yeah.

Except instead of a six-pack,
he's got more of a keg in there.

[LAUGHS]

I mean-- I mean,
you-- You were hot, man.

You've got the ripped abs,
the lats, the delt,

just the right amount
of chest hair.

Heads up, Audrey.

I think he wants
a piece of your husband.

No way.

Well, not this one.

[**]

Ow.

[GRUNTS]
What happened?

I-- I tried to take a picture
of myself in the mirror

and I got blinded.

Honey, we've talked about
how a mirror works.

You know, honey,
I think we should have

a professional photo
taken of us.

Why?

Jeff had one of himself
when he was in his prime.

He was in such good shape,

and his hair was tousled
just right--

Okay, okay,
Audrey warned me about this.

I think we should have a picture
of ourselves in our prime.

You know, I mean, looks fade,
wrinkles start to appear,

things start sagging.

And I might not look
as good either.

Adam,
we are gonna age just fine.

I'm just saying,
we've both seen your mom.

Hey, my mom is--
I mean she's...

Yeah,
a picture might be nice.

[**]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Hey.

What are you doing?

Juicing up a health drink.

Juice? Health?

You don't know those words.

I do now. I've got whey protein,
pure wheatgrass

and seaweed extract
in here.

I'm getting back to that.

How many of those things
did you buy?

And, babe,
why are you doing this?

For the art-loving public.

And when did we get a juicer?

Uh, last night
on the way home from the gym.

It's pretty powerful too.

Look. Our wooden spoon.

It's a little splintery.

[**]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Well, thanks
for inviting me along, sir.

Well, I've been
in little bit of a slump,

I thought you might be helpful.

Well, then I'm, uh, honored
to be your moral support.

Yeah, you just stand there
looking skinny, poor and geeky.

It will highlight that
the alternative is available.

And you're welcome
to paying your cover charge.

Stop living in the past,
Tim.

We gotta find out
which one of these

delightful young ladies
I'm gonna wear like a belt.

You find a lot of ways

to say the same thing
over and over again.

Hey, could you do me
a favor?

Looks like the decision's
been made for me.

[WHISTLES]

Hi, I'm Russell.
You've chosen wisely.

My name is Dawn.
Oh, as in, uh--

Cue the "crack of" joke.

This creepy guy
is hitting on me.

Can you sit here
so he gets the hint?

Of course, I can.

[POP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, my God,
I love this band.

I know, I really like them
and what they do.

What's your favorite
song of theirs?

That's a tough one.

I would maybe say
the first song on side two.

What's a side two?

Who knows, I'm too busy
tweeting my besties.

Oh, hey, sorry.

Oh, sorry, dude.

My father here just found me
and he's really mad

because I'm supposed
to be grounded.

I'm really sorry, Dad.

Thank you so much, sir.

Yeah, I'm happy to, uh, help.

"Sir?"

"Dad?"

Look on the bright side.

She could have reasonably gone
"Grandpa."

Dude,
I took you out here

thinking you could help
my slump,

but instead,
I'm watching my strikeout

reflected in those Hubble
telescopes you call glasses.

Sir, why not try learning
a lesson from this

and graduate from dating girls
to dating women.

[SIGHS]

You might be right, Tim.
She was flat.

I meant someone
a little more mature,

someone who might know
what side two means.

For instance--

And may she one day forgive me

for bringing her
to your attention.

--this woman over here.

All right, I'll do it.

All right.

I could do a little
charity work tonight.

Get me out on my slump.

By the way,
she's not gonna forgive you.

Hey, there. I thought
I'd boot-scoot over here

and buy you a drink.

How about them, apples?

Sorry, I'm a lesbian.

Oh, really?

Effective immediately.

Ah.

[**]

Here you go.
Another scotch.

Hey, thanks, Doreen.
Um, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, they're real.

No, that's not
what I was gonna ask, uh....

Wow, all right,
I can't remember.

And what can I get you?

What is the healthiest thing
on the menu?

Nothing.

Hey, what's wrong?
Why the orange face?

Just can't seem
to break out

of the slump
with the ladies.

Still?

You just gotta hang in there.
Get back on the horse.

Ah, I'm sick of paying for it,
though.

Horse.

I said--
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaking of, here comes Liz.
Do not leave me alone with her.

Stay here.
Okay, okay.

Hi, Jeffrey.

Russell, right?
Yup.

Anyways, I gotta get back
to my jogging, so I'll see you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mm.

That's it. I gotta run.
Uh, it was good--

Here you go.

I ordered food.
What a space cadet.

Doreen,
could I get maybe one more?

And make it a double.

You know what?
Make it two doubles.

[**]

Nice work, lover.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
Mm-hmm.

[**]

[PUFFS]

[GRUNTS]

[GASPS]

[GROANS]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

What are you, uh...

I left you with...

You're wearing the same...

Oh, no.

Please don't tell anyone.
Come on, man!

It was a mistake.
I was drinking, man.
Liz?

Is there enough booze?

Look, I was in that slump.
No! No excuses!

You did a bad thing!

I can fix this, man.

Look, I'm not gonna
take her calls,

and I'll avoid your building.

She'll get the hint, buddy.

And everything
will be back to normal.

You're not gonna tell anyone,
right?

I wouldn't wanna taste
the words.

Thanks, buddy.

Get out of here.
Yeah.

[**]

[**]

Ah, yes, very nice. Yes.

All right, I'm really liking
what I'm seeing.

Thanks, Rudolfo.
Now,

let's get a little sexier.

Why don't you both
remove your tops.

Can do, Rudy.

I'm not sure I'm ready yet.

Oh, Jen,
you saw my portfolio.

It'll be very tasteful.

We'll strategically cover
any parts that may--

Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, if I may.

I'll tell you what,
um, I'll go first on my own.

You'll see how easy it is, okay?

[SIGHS]

Rudolfo.
All right. Yes.

There you go. Okay, yes.

Oh, now. Now.

You're having fun.
You're having fun. Yes.

Like...
[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Yes. So much fun.

Now, now, you're a little shy.
A little shy.

Oh, what?
Oh, no. Oh, so shy.

Now you've got a secret.
A secret.

What is it?

I...No. I wanted
a different pose.

Wouldn't that be your secret?

No, I meant--

Okay, you know what?

Just to end this,
I'm ready now.

Oh, all right.
Here we go. There you go.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It's Liz.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Liz.
Hey, Jeff, it's Liz--

I just wanted to let you know
I took your advice.

Oh, great.
So which gym did you join?

[CHUCKLES]

Not that advice, silly.

I met a guy,
and I had fun in the moment.

AUDREY:
Oh, good for you.

Half hour
after we started talking,

we were playing
the old Slap 'n' Tickle.

And I didn't think of him
as husband material

because believe me,
he was not.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Yeah. I mean, obviously.

You're not gonna marry a guy
you slept with that fast.

How long before you and Jeff
started making love?

I don't think we slept together

till we'd been dating
for a month.

[MOUTHS]
Five days.

So who was this guy?

[CHUCKLES]

I'd really rather not say.
He was kind of a bowser.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, well.

Who's proud
to sleep with any man, really?

[CHUCKLES]

So how'd you leave it?

I pretended to sleep
while he let himself out.

I think he got the message.

Let's just hope
kitty doesn't come back

begging for some more milk.

[**]

She's embarrassed?
No, no, no.

I'm embarrassed!

She said she was.

Called you a bowser.
Woo-hoo

This can't be happening.

If she's happy
to get rid of me,

I have officially hit
rock bottom.

You sure that wasn't the time
you called me at 2:00 a.m.

to ask if girls
also had Adam's apples?

Oh, I'm positive.
This is way worse.

It can't end this way.

I'm supposed to get her
to want me,

then I dump her.

Just the way it goes, man.

Oh, sorry,
it's already over, bowz.

Then I'll have to restart it.

Restart what?

If I know Mr. Dunbar,
and I wish I didn't.

He's going to try
to sleep with Liz again

so he can be the one
to end it.

[GIGGLES]

Exactamundo.

I'm gonna bring the best game
I've ever brought.

And when she's begging
for more?

I'll tell her the circus
just pulled out of loserville,

and we're on our way
to Skank Town, U.S.A.

[LAUGHS]

[**]

Oh, Russell.

Oh, yeah, it's me.

And it's time for round two.

Well, I was just about
to change the cat box liner.

Oh, what the
H-E-double hockey sticks.

Let's do this.

[**]

Ahem, Jeff, wake up.
What?

You were asleep.
No.

I'm gonna make a smoothie,
then jog.

Gotta look like this.

That's a cactus, Jeff.

Jeez, trying to look like
your old picture is killing you.

You don't have to do this.

If I don't,
then I'm just an old fat guy.

Oh, shut up.

You are in better shape
than most guys your age,

and a lot of guys
younger than you too.

True. But wouldn't you rather
have that guy?

No. I had that guy.

His dorm room
was full of neon beer signs

and a Kelly LeBrock poster.

[SCOFFS]

Before Seagal got ahold of her.
I mean, come on, look.

Wouldn't you rather
have that guy with the six-pack

than this guy with the keg?

Oh, honey,
is that what this is about?

I was just teasing you.

I think you are way hotter now
than you were back then.

How do you figure?

Well, I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.

Let's just go to bed
and go to sleep, okay?

[**]

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Hey, lover.

Last night was incredible.

Thanks, babe.

But here's the thing.

Before you go on, listen.

No, no, no, wait.
You listen, okay?

See--
Wait. Listen.

If anyone's listening,

it's gonna be you, okay,
so listen.

Listen. Listen.
Listen. Listen.

Listen.
Listen!

Listen!
Listen!

Listen. Listen.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

Let's try this again
real quick.

[**]

So this is the picture
we decided to blow up and frame.

Ready?

Wow.

What do you think?
Uh, Jen looks hot.

Thanks.

What about me?

I'm not looking at you.

Can you?

Can.

Not gonna.

What do you care what he thinks?
I just do.

I want him to like it.

Well, I think
you look really sexy.

Thanks.

Anyway, no matter how bad
we look when we get old,

we will always have this.

You'll also have this.

Is that me?
Yes.

In an ad
for a gay escort service.

Oh, my God.

The photographer must have

sold the picture to them,

and then they
Photoshopped it.

Well, at least they chose
a good shot.

This is the one
where I have a secret.

I think the secret's out, buddy.

[**]

[**]