All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E20.Beating.The.System.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

ANNOUNCER:
Previously:

What are you saying?

I'm saying that
I'll be your surrogate.

You know, if you want.

Are you serious?

Put your baby in me.

Excuse me.

I'm who
they're putting it in.

Now, you saddle up and get
this right the first time.

[***]

Oh, I just know
you're pregnant.

I think we nailed it
this time.

Could be, I'm feeling
a little nauseous.

Yeah, well,
listening to Jeff peeing

is making me nauseous too.

Hey, come on,
Brenda's gotta take the test.

Hurry up, Seabiscuit.

Finally.

I saved time
by not washing my hands.

[BRENDA & AUDREY GROAN]

Oh. Well,

you didn't save any time
by aiming.

Okay, let me see it.
Let me see.

Gross.

Oh, something's happening.

What-- What's a red line?

A red line

is a baby.

Aah! It's a baby, Jeff.

We made a baby.
Oh, my God! Oh.

Feel free to keep that going.

Really? Now?

Is there a bad time
for girl-on-girl?

Can we please not have

your creepy perversion
be part of this?

Fine.

Okay, now, I know
we're all excited,

but we don't know for sure so
let's just keep this between us

until we see the doctor.
Agreed.

ALL:
Cheers!

Way to go, Aud,
you made it a whole 28 minutes.

Jen said, "What's up, Aud?"

What was I gonna do,
lie to her face?

Congratulations,
you're gonna be a dad.

No sleep, no peace,
no sex, no money.

Your life is officially over.

Well, that might be true,
but I'm having a kid.

And you're gonna die alone.

All right, fun's over.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

Hey, Jeff, you wanna know
what you should order?

No.
Why not?

Because it'll be stupid.

No, check it out. Okay,

it's a breakfast
sandwich, right?

But with waffles instead
of bread.

It's for better gripping.

See?

Speaking of stupid,
how's the pregnancy going?

So far, so good.
RUSSELL: Oh, yeah?

You're lucky.
That stuff can get rough.

What do you know about it?

A girl I was seeing once,
thought she was pregnant.

Uh, the sleepless nights,
the crying, the throwing up.

She was pretty upset
about it too.

My case, Audrey's not the one
who's pregnant,

Brenda is.
So my wife can still drink.

Which helps her make the bad
decision to sleep with me.

It's all a benefit
of using a surrogate.

That's why I'm doing it.

No, I thought it was because
you had super slow sperm.

Yeah, I thought it was
so Audrey wouldn't

get all messed up down south.

Looks like once again,
I beat the system.

Well, when did you
beat it before?

1993,
I had a rental car for a week

and they only charged me
five days.

Disney World really is
the happiest place on earth.

Hey.
Oh, hey, there she is.

I was thinking we go over to
McSweeny's, catch the Mets game.

Ugh. Yeah, right.

Like I'm gonna sit
next to you sober in a bar

that smells like armpit.

Only to then find out

it isn't the bar
that smells like armpit.

What's that all about?
Well, Jeff,

I've been barfing all morning,
and then,

I wasn't already
miserable enough,

my idiot neighbor set off
a bug bomb in their apartment.

Are you crying?

Are you a moron?

Thanks a lot, Jeff,

you've turned me
into a freaking girl.

Hey, I know what can help.

How about I buy you breakfast?

Yeah, that's just what I need,
jackass.

More of your eggs in me.

Oh, God, I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Looks like the system's
still got some fight in it.

[***]

And why, you ask?

Because the waffles
provide a superior grip.

Have you been dropping
a lot of sandwiches?

Well, I mean, enough
to wanna do something about it.

Ah, Jennifer,
so nice to see you here.

I just had to get out
of the apartment.

I've been planning the wedding.
There is so much to do.

Jen doesn't like
any of my suggestions.

His last one was a petting zoo.

To celebrate our love.

Yes, because nothing
says "I love you"

like walking around
in goat poo.

You know, Jennifer,
in a former life

I was an assistant
to an event planner.

Oh. What, you remember
your past life? That's amazing.

Was I there?

Um, I was referring to my life
before I met Mr. Dunbar

and began my career
as Satan's wet nurse.

There's software
that can be very helpful.

I could help you
set it up.

That'd be great.
What about tonight after work?

Oh, I can do it right now.

It's the middle of the day.
won't Russell know you're gone?

Not if I bring in
my replacement.

You can't tell me
that actually works.

Oh, It began as an act
of rebellion.

I wanted to show Mr. Dunbar

what it would be like
without me.

Apparently,
it would be largely the same.

Let's go.
Yeah, let's.

He keeps looking at me.

Hey, Timmy, I'm gonna take
a little nappy nap. No calls.

No, no, no. None.

[***]

Hey.
Hey.

I just got off the phone
with Brenda.

Oh, the pregnant lunatic
go off on you too?

What?
I've never seen her

so unreasonable and cranky.

She was being pretty wifey.

Wifey?

You know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean.

And you're being selfish
and insensitive.

Or should I say "husbandy."

Oh, that was a little
uncalled for.

Hey, why are we arguing here?

Because you walked
into the apartment and spoke.

Look,
we're on the same team here.

We get to be
on the sidelines having fun

while our baby caddy
does all the heavy lifting.

What is your problem?

Don't wanna be
on the sidelines.

I want to be involved.
You should too.

For once in your life,
don't be so selfish.

Or

you be selfish with me.

How about I take you out
for a big night on the town?

Crack open
that coupon book

that, uh, we bought
from that cub scout.

No. I am going over
to help Brenda.

If you wanna go out,
go by yourself.

Aud, I'm not going
without you.

Most of these are two-for-one.

[***]

Audrey's almost as bad
as Brenda now.

Oh, really? So now
you've got nowhere to turn.

I'm going against tagteam.
You're trying to pin one

the other sneaks up and brains
you with a folding chair.

I'd tell you how
I'd handle your problem

but you don't wanna
hear what I have to say.

Thanks, buddy,
I appreciate that.

Oh, no, my sandwich
slipped out of my hands.

Really?
No.

I feel for you, buddy,
but just tap out.

No, I got this.

I know exactly what to do
when Audrey gets like this.

I'm sorry, I'm gonna be home
a bit later than usual tonight.

I got a lot of paperwork
I gotta get through.

Okay.

Bingham for the win.

Let's focus on the ones
I did make.

[***]

Now, the wedding software
does a lot of the work.

For instance,
if you input your zip code

it brings up links
to local florists.

What flowers
were you thinking about?

Oh, well,
I've always liked white roses.

White roses. Hmm.

Is something wrong?

No, no, no. It's a classic
and elegant choice.

You can tell me. Be honest.

Okay. Are we planning
a wedding here

or some sort of backwoods
junior prom?

Wow, uh, okay,
what would you suggest?

Here's a thought. What if you
went with seasonal wildflowers

which you could
integrate into both

your bouquets and centerpieces?

Oh, I love that.
Yeah, then after the ceremony

we can feed them to the--
There's no petting zoo.

You put a bull's eye on this
from the moment I mentioned it.

Just remember,
this is my big day too.

[***]

[SIGHS]

Ah, you're home.

Had to happen.

What exactly were you
working on so late?

That damned Anderson account.

You said it was
the Jenkins file.

The Jenkins-Anderson merger.
Keep up.

How are things going?

Brenda's feeling worse.

I'm freaking out trying
to make her comfortable.

I'm so sorry.

Forget about it. I've given up
on you being helpful.

I appreciate that, hon.

It's just, this pregnancy
is hitting us fast

and you know me,
I'm a creature of habit and I--

Hey. Thanks for letting me
stay here for a while.

--I don't like change.

[***]

[***]

So this is a thing?
Uh, Brenda's staying here now?

No, Jeff, I just stopped by
to model my robe.

Can I go stay at her place,
or...?

No, Jeff, you stay here.

Look, she had to get away

from the bug bomb fumes
in her building.

Plus, this way we can
help take care of her.

Okay.

On a completely unrelated note,
I need all of our beer.

Ugh.
Oh, my God, Jeff, your feet.

I'm gonna totally
gonna be sick again.

Oh, great.
Look what you did.

All I did was walk
into my home.

You know what your feet are like
at the end of the day.

Seriously, I think that's why
we don't have any cockroaches.

On second thought,
I need all of our Scotch.

No. Not now.

I need you to go to the store
and pick up some ginger ale.

No, I'll just
drink it straight.

For Brenda.
And saltines too.

It's the end of the day,
my shoes are off,

my pants
are on the on-deck circle.

Come on, Jeff, can you at least
do one helpful thing?

All right, just one.

Thank you.

God,
my head is killing me.

Get me something
for a headache.

Okay.
Ooh. But not aspirin, ibuprofen.

And not the PM kind,
just the regular kind.

Oh, and don't get
the caplets.

Get the tablets
with the special coating.

[AUDREY SIGHS]

[BRENDA GAGGING]

[BRENDA COUGHS]

Touché, system.

[***]

No, you're not listening to me.

I just think
people would prefer a buffet.

People lining up with plates?

What is wrong with that?

Oh, nothing.
Perhaps after chow time

we can give the guests
10 minutes to lift weights.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Jeez, I should've hired
cardboard Timmy.

Oh, and now I've got
an Oompa Loompa.

Oh, you mean a hard worker
with a solid base tan

and a talent
for improvisational song?

Guilty.

Ah, there you are. I knew
that wasn't you at your desk.

But you weren't
completely certain

until you saw me
sitting here?

Savvy detective work, sir.

What you doing here,
anyway?

Helping Jennifer
plan her wedding.

That's what you left
in the middle of the day for?

Unprofessional.
All right, let's go.

You gotta come to the club
with me

and be my
wiener-blocker-blocker.

As, uh, soul-enriching
as that sounds,

I'll meet you there
once I'm done here.

I'll just wait.

All right, why don't you guys
just go ahead?

I got it from here, Timmy.

All due respect, I don't think
that you do got it.

Just moments ago,
you suggested we hire a DJ

who calls himself Vinyl Richie.

DJ. P-U.

And, uh, what exactly
would you know

about putting on a wedding?

Both of my parents have
been married numerous times.

Often, I was invited.

What this wedding needs
is a photo booth.

Might that not be a bit cheesy?
Not cheesy, Tim.

Whimsical.
People like a nice memento.

Does anyone care
what I think?

You may be right
about that photo booth.

It could go right next
to the bar.

Then the girls
can get all liquored up

and increasing our chances
of nip slips.

Let's talk centerpieces.

Well, I'm thinking origami.
Origami.

Forget it.

Jen, wait.

I heard when you asked
if we cared what you thought.

You did?
Yeah, and we don't.

[***]

Hey, Jeff.
I thought that was you.

Hey, buddy.
ADAM: Hey, man, um...

I don't think
you're allowed to drink in here.

I know.
I'm hoping to get arrested

so I don't have to go home.

Having your wife bring home
a lesbian does not play out

the way Cinemax
would have you believe.

I don't really
wanna go home either.

Timmy and Jen are planning
our wedding and ignoring me.

No petting zoo?

It's not looking good.

Anyways, Audrey wants ibuprofen
with a special coating.

God forbid,
Her Majesty, the queen,

has to choke down
a chalky tablet.

Why don't you buy her
the wrong thing?

That's what I do.
Why?

Well,

when Jen's in a bad mood
and I bring home the wrong thing

she sends me back out
to get her the right thing.

Which means I get twice
as much time away from home.

Your brain came up with that?

Yes, it did.

That could work. All right.

Adios, fancy coating.
We shall meet again.

It's a good idea, pal.

Smart.

Thank you.

You know, I did it
accidentally a few times

before I realized
that I could do it on purpose.

It started when Jen--

Listen,
I said that it was a good idea.

I don't need
all the DVD extras.

[***]

For napkin colors,
we had a tough time choosing

between Fuchsia Kiss.
Or Foxy Pink.

TIMMY: But...
Timmy pointed out that Foxy Pink

will make the flowers
on table lamps pop.

To which Mr. Dunbar agreed

after first pantomiming me

in a spirited sexual act
with a man.

Right. And for dessert,
we went a bit outside the box

and went with
cupcake tower.

Just the right level
of playful festivity.

And in that same spirit,
we revisited your '80s DJ idea.

Yes, the '80s being the decade
just after the decade

in which Mr. Dunbar's haircut
was last considered stylish.

It's not current,
but I do get tons.

And that's our presentation.

Wow, uh,
it's not really what I imagined

but I love it.
I wouldn't change a thing.

Well, we aim to please.
How much is it gonna cost?

Ah. Here's where the software
can be so helpful.

And the grand total
comes to $360,000.

We'll see ourselves out.

[***]

Oh, I'm back.
I got your stuff.

What took you so long?
Waiting for it to go on sale?

Or did the manager think

you were trying to smuggle out
a ham in your giant head?

There's my girls.

Can I have the ibuprofen?

Something wrong?

These are gel caps.

I specifically asked
for tablets.

What? I'm such an idiot.

Come on, Jeff. Be better.

See, this is why I like girls.
They actually listen.

God, your head is upsetting.

Are you okay?

I will be.

Once I have some nachos.
Another batch?

Okay, I can grate
some more cheese.

Okay. Oh, and this time,
can you just make sure--?

Yeah, oh, yes, I will make sure
every chip has full coverage.

Here, take that.
What--?

I'd love to help
but I gotta make this right.

No, that's fine.
I'll just take those.

No, no, no.
No, you will not.

I don't care how many times
I have to go back to the store.

No wife of mine gets caplets
when she wanted tablets.

[SIGHS]

[***]

Oh, well.

Hello, Miss Adam-Doesn't-
Have-Any-Good-Ideas.

Soon to be Mrs. Adam-
Doesn't-Have-Any-Good-Ideas.

Oh, yeah?

Well, for your information,
my ideas are pretty good.

Jeff finally listened to one
and he loved it.

Oh. What was it?

Well, I told him how when you're
driving me crazy

and I don't wanna go home
I purposely buy the wrong things

so I have to go back,
get you the right thing.

Oh, wait.

[***]

I knew it.

Listen, Jenkins, you gotta work
this out with Anderson.

I gotta get home to my wife.

This may be a while.
Put the phone down, Jeff.

How did you find me?

Well, it was either here
or the diner.

You're not the man of mystery
you seem to think you are.

Why are you being
such a jackass?

The usual reasons.

Look,
I got you your ibuprofen.

Gel caps?
I asked for gel tabs.

So stupid!
I'll be right back.

You know, uh, you can't avoid
going home for nine months.

What is your problem?

Look, thought having a surrogate
will make everything easier.

But Brenda turned
into the creature from Alien.

You turned into the baby alien

that came out
of the big alien's mouth

and hissed at Sigourney Weaver.

Yeah, it's harder
than I expected too.

Yeah?
Yeah.

We just have to remember that,
at the end,

we get a baby.
Oh, yeah.

And then it gets easy, right?

Yeah, of course.

All right, let's go home.

I'll help you take care
of Brenda.

Yeah, actually, we don't have
to go home right away.

No?
No, we--

Part of the reason I came here
is I needed a break from Brenda.

She's getting to be a bit much.

Oh, which reminds me,
we have to stop by the store

and pick up more tortilla chips
and cheese.

What kind of cheese
does she want?

Cheddar.
We're getting Jarlsberg.

Why?
You'll see.

[***]

Hey, Tim,
wanna go grab some lunch?

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize
you were on the phone.

I'll go ask Russell.

Hey, Russell, you wanna--?

Oh.

[WHISPERS]
Sorry, man,
I didn't realize you're napping.

[***]

[***]