Original subtitles

That was good. Yes, it was.

Now I was thinking that perhaps we can go into the bedroom

where I will give you the gift.

That's what you're calling it now?

You're the one who complained that hammer time was dated.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Are you home, neighbors?

AUDREY: Hey, Liz.

I, uh, thought you had a blind date tonight.

Well, I was waiting for him at the table.

This cute guy comes in the restaurant

and starts checking me out.

He leaves.

The next second, my phone rings

and my date cancels.

If I had known that was gonna happen,

I would've made a move on the first guy.

We gotta find someone for Liz.

That is impossible.

She's single, desperate and hopeless.

Single, desperate and hopeless? Tell me more.

It's Liz. Tell me less.

She's always been a really good friend.

And I believe there's someone out there for everyone.

Battle cry of the uggos.

Look, we are finding someone for Liz, okay?

Because what matters is not how you look,

it's what's inside.

Boy, I'm glad that's not really true.

Oh, uh, Jeff, I got a flyer for a new gym.

First week's free.

Jen's busy today. You wanna come with me?

Do you still air-dry after you shower?

Yeah.

Do you still think that's an appropriate time

to stretch?

Yeah.

Then no.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait for me and you *

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

Oh, Simran, so lovely to see you.

Do you have a minute to talk about ideas

for Mom's birthday gift?

Yes, give me a sec.

I need to go get a bendy straw for my boss' chocolate milk.

He's not tall.

It's hard for him to get on top of a straight straw.

SIMRAN: God bless you.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, no. I found your porn site, Timmy.

Take your top off.

No, no, no, get away.

This is one of those sites where you can tell them what to do.

Take your top off.

Sir, that's my sister.

Oh, kinky Timmy, whatever you're into.

Take your top off.

You must be Mr. Dunbar.

Oh, you've heard of me. Ha, ha.

Lovely to make your acquaintance.

Now, about that top-- Ow!

Goodbye, Simran.

Sir, that's literally my sister.

And for your information,

she's an associate in a law firm.

So the sex work's just a hobby?

She is not a sex worker.

And you can forget that you ever saw her.

Oh, jeez, relax, she's halfway around the world.

Yes, she is.

And I forbid you to have any contact with her again.

Forbid? What am I, a child?

Of course you're not.

By the way, here's your chocolate milk and bendy straw.

Yay!

I'll eat anywhere. You choose.

Really?

You're just gonna say no to everything until I say sushi.

Oh, yeah. Sushi it is.

Hey, Todd.

Oh, hi, Audrey. Nice to see you.

And, hey, Jeff, look at my tie. Mets colors.

You know, because we both like the Mets.

If you don't like it, I'll take it off.

No, it's fine.

Fine, just calm down.

Can do. So how have you been?

Divorced is how I've been.

Finalized last week.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I used to split sandwiches with Molly.

Now I don't know what to do with the other half.

Problem solved.

Uh, hey, you know what would be nice?

You want the other half? Because he'll give it to me.

No.

How about if we set up Todd with Liz?

Has he not been through enough?

Come on, this would be a nice thing to do.

And if you're on board, he'll do it.

He idolizes you for some reason.

Oh, for many reasons, Audrey, all valid,

but I don't know.

I'm not seeing what's in it for me.

Uh, how about this?

Uh, Liz will have someone to spend her time with

so she won't always be coming down to--

Hey, Todd, Audrey's got a gal for you.

Oh, I don't know if I'm ready yet.

Oh, come on, it's time to get back on the horse.

In this case, quite literally.

Welcome to Andy's Gym. Can I help you?

Oh, uh, I got your flyer

but I think I misunderstood what kind of gym this was.

So...

[KIDS CHATTERING AND LAUGHING]

Hey, is that a trampoline? Uh-huh.

[CHUCKLES]

Woo! Woo!

Anyway, I was thinking that for Mom's birthday

she might like this jade necklace.

Oh, that's perfect for her. Classic Varsha.

You're so different from what Timmy described.

What did he say about me exactly?

That you were tiny, selfish, perverted, old and lazy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, he said I was tiny?

Why would he say that? I'm actually a pretty big guy.

Oh, really?

It's so hard to tell on these things.

I know.

Yeah, let me think about that

while I drink from this completely normal-sized

coffee cup.

Ooh, I think I might dunk in a full-sized doughnut

while I'm at it.

Yeah.

Oh, I wish Varsha was here.

Hey, Liz. Thanks for coming down.

Sure.

So did you guys read that Kama Sutra book I gave you?

I dog-eared some pages I thought you and Jeff might like.

Hi, Jeff.

Uh, no. Actually, we were wondering

if you are free tonight.

Jeff and I have someone we'd like to set you up with.

You wanna set me up?

Who's the lucky fellow? I don't know,

but the guy we're setting you up with is Todd.

He's nice. I think you're gonna like him.

What does he do? He works in finance with Jeff.

What does he look like? Seriously?

He's very cute. Good-looking guy.

Well, what celebrity do people say he looks like?

What's going on here?

People tell me I look like Cameron Diaz

or Reese Witherspoon.

Well, those people would say that Todd looks like Tom Cruise.

Does that mean he's short?

All right, I'm out.

Listen, Liz, let's not overthink this, okay?

Just dive in, take a chance.

Okay, I will. Let's make it a date.

There you go. This will be fun.

Well, not for the gal that does my waxing.

Let's just say I've let the yard go a bit.

[JEFF GROANS]

ADAM: Woo-hoo!

[KIDS SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

ADAM: Come on. Come on.

[YELLS]

[LAUGHS]

[KIDS SCREAM]

[YELLS]

SIMRAN: Hello, Russell?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

You called me.

Oh, did I?

Anyway, I'm just so wrapped up

in 20th Century Philosophers.

I'm smart.

What is that award behind you?

Oh, I didn't mean for you to see that old thing.

I didn't know you were such a humanitarian.

Well, I think there's quite a few things

Timmy didn't tell you about me.

That's not surprising.

He's always been very overprotective of me.

It's really annoying. Mm-hmm.

Oh, let me ponder that while I scratch my back.

I got a little bite back there. Ah. Yeah.

I didn't realize you were so muscular.

Oh, I try to keep fit.

And I love your tattoo.

Oh, yeah, my ink.

And what is it of?

Ah. Well, uh, looks like a dragon

and then there's some symbols from China and, uh...

You know, I really made a mess of myself, didn't I?

Uh, but maybe when Todd gets here,

maybe don't talk about your cats so much.

You know, guys like a little mystery.

Oh, okay, let him wonder

"How many cats does this sexy gal have?"

Yeah.

And maybe don't talk so much about digestion stuff.

Another mystery. Let him wonder,

"Hey, is this sexy gal regular?"

Exactly. Yeah, let him wonder. Oh, there they come.

Liz, this is Todd.

Hey, it's my fault we're late.

I've got a nervous stomach

and my cat spilled my milk of magnesia.

[SPEAKS FRENCH]

It's nice to meet you, Liz.

Sorry, my hands are so sweaty.

Oh, no need to apologize.

I get that with my feet.

You're so funny, Russell.

I know. Rarely do you see that in a Wimbledon champ.

Ah-ha!

Timmy. So this is why you sent me out

for fun-size candy bars and baby carrots.

Simran, are you all right? Did he hurt you?

No, I'm fine.

I'm just having fun talking to Russell.

He's not at all the monster you've made him out to be.

Thank you. Is that what he tricked you

into believing? Well, hmm,

let's take a look around then, shall we?

Look.

He's literally sitting on a phone book.

It helps my back.

And speaking of books,

let me select one of these fine tomes of literature.

Hey, who glued my tomes together?

And Javier from Shipping,

what's your role in this grim charade?

Oh, uh, I'm his arms.

What's up, Simran?

You see, he is a liar

who is trying to take advantage of you.

And that is what I've been protecting you from.

Timmy, I'm a full-grown adult who is capable of making--

No, I'm sorry, but this is for your own good.

I'm too angry to talk to you right now,

but believe me, this is not over.

All right, Javier.

I'm gonna pay you full price

even though we didn't get to the part

where you drop trou and show her my junk.

That wine was fantastic.

It hardly irritated my stomach lining at all.

Um, Todd,

I don't know if you'd be interested

but I'm going to a wine tasting tomorrow.

You wanna come? I'd love to.

Rosacea be damned.

Oh, a wine tasting. Isn't that great, Jeff?

I'd be drinking if I were him.

Oh, I need to pop into the ladies room first.

Oh, I'll join you.

I think that soup was cream-based. Yikes.

She is really something, huh? Yeah, she is.

You're going away above and beyond, buddy.

You didn't have to agree to that wine tasting.

Why wouldn't I?

We pushed you into this date.

It's nice that you're pretending to like her.

I didn't think I was pretending.

Oh.

Is there a reason I shouldn't like her?

No, no.

She's great.

Are you sure? Yeah, she's great.

I mean, she's got all those, uh, cats...

she cleaned her plate there.

Let's have another bottle of wine.

Hey. Hey.

How was the gym? Oh, it was a good workout.

Good snacks.

Great. Well, maybe I'll come with you tomorrow.

Oh, um...

You know, I don't think it's for you.

No, it was pretty hardcore.

Another guy and I wanted to use same equipment

and he literally threw a tantrum.

Really?

Yeah. The dude got a time out.

What a doody head.

Come on, just say it one more time.

Okay. Todd and Liz make a good match.

They can get married and have a bunch of weird,

gassy kids.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, admit it.

It feels good to do something nice for someone, right?

Yes, it does.

And now there's something nice that I'd like to give you.

What's that?

The gift of hammer time.

[LAUGHS]

See? I combined them.

Hmm.

Okay. All right. You behaved yourself.

I guess you deserve a little, uh...

[PHONE RINGS]

AUDREY [OVER ANSWERING MACHINE]: We're not in. Please leave a message.

[MACHINE BEEPS] LIZ: Audrey, it's me.

Something went wrong.

When I got home, Todd called and cancelled the wine tasting.

Sounded like he was giving me the brush-off.

Call to discuss.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Everything was going so well.

Did something weird happen

when Liz and I were in the restroom?

Probably, I mean, she had that cream-based soup.

You know what I mean.

Todd asked me what I thought of Liz.

I used all positive words

but who knows what my face was doing.

Why did you have to do that?

You--

Fix it.

I will. Right after we, uh....

[DOOR CLOSES] Or before.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

Simran.

What are you doing?

SIMRAN: I had to ask.

Why did you go ahead and do all those things

to try to fool me?

I just didn't want you to believe

all that stuff Timmy said.

I wanted to impress you because you're this exotic girl

who lives halfway around the world.

I get that.

I kind of misled you too about something.

You're not a dude, are you?

Oh, I can't go through that again.

No.

It's-- It's this.

Whoa. India looks a lot like America.

I'm in Chicago.

Timmy forbade me from telling you.

He said he was nervous about us being on the same continent.

Oh, now, did he?

Well, he sh--

What are you doing on your computer?

Nothing. Uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's it, baby.

Ooh.

I'm watching porn. Filthy, dirty porn.

Yeah. Do you wanna take a look?

No, no, I don't need to see that.

Are you sure? Yes.

No, you might like it. It's all right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[WHISPERS] Is he gone yet?

[WHISPERS] No, keep going.

Hi, can I help you? Uh, I'm not sure.

Is this Andy's Gym? Yes.

Oh, I got an emergency call about my fiancé.

Oh, you must be here for Adam.

He got stuck.

[KIDS SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]

Which one is yours?

I'd rather not say.

There's the big guy. Hey, Todd.

I wanna talk to you. I wanna talk to you,

and thank you for putting the brakes on me with Liz.

No, no, no, that's the thing. I didn't mean to do that.

Oh, come on, Jeff, I know you.

I mean, I study you.

The things you say, the way you move.

I got your message.

I don't think that you did.

See, what I was trying to say was that, uh,

Liz is a special lady.

I think you two would hit it off.

I'm confused.

It seems like you're hiding something.

I mean, your words are saying one thing, but your body--

Stop looking at my body, Todd.

Listen to my words. I was hiding something.

And, uh, here it is.

Uh, from, uh, what I understand...

Liz is an animal in the sack.

She's what?

Please don't make me say it again.

Well, you fixed it.

Liz was in a great mood when I talked to her.

We have one very happy upstairs neighbor.

So my choice not to be wearing any sort of pants at all

right now was a good one?

Well, it'll make this go that much quicker.

[LAUGHS]

[DISTANT MOANING]

LIZ: Oh, yeah.

LIZ: Oh, lower, lower, lower. TODD: Mm-hm.

LIZ: Oh, yes. [TODD LAUGHS]

LIZ: Oh, that's right.

[LIZ GRUNTS]

LIZ: Ow. TODD: Ow, sorry.

We're done here, right? Oh, yeah.

And, uh, I do understand you're an adult

so, uh, I'll stop trying so hard to protect you.

Thank you, Timmy.

And I do know your heart is always in the right place.

Good. Good, I'm glad we talked. Uh, this makes me very happy.

It makes me happy too.

It makes me happy too.

Yes, my friend Russell came to Chicago to visit.

We're about to go out and see the sights.

Let's go. Okay.

Why don't you throw on a skirt?

We'll find out if this is really the Windy City.

SIMRAN: Russell... RUSSELL: I'm just kidding.

[WHISPERS] I'm not kidding.

No!

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