All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E18.Anniversary.Chicken.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

So the other day this guy
in the office asked me,

what weighs more?

A pound of feathers
or a pound of lead?

It's a riddle.

Yeah, heh,
I'll say it is.

Adam,
they're both the same.

Yeah, lead is the same
as feathers.

Remind me not to come over to
your place for a pillow fight.

Wow. It was either
come here for breakfast

or stay home and figure out
what's stinking up the fridge.

Hey, Audrey, back to
the pillow fight thing,

if you and your gal pals
ever need a referee--

All right, I'll be at home
with my head in the fridge.

You guys wanna hear
something interesting?

Uh, that depends, I can't take
on another riddle right now.

No, tomorrow's my anniversary.

Hey, congrats, man.
How many years?

Sixteen.

Ahh. Ha, if your marriage
was a girl I could date it.

That would be 18.

It is?
When did they change that?

And the big thing is,
this year I remembered.

And how did you do that?

Yesterday at work I was
spinning my wedding ring,

trying to break my record
of 72 seconds,

when it flew off the desk
and went under the radiator.

Did you break the record?

No.

Oh, God.

Oh.

When I went to go get it,

I noticed our wedding date
engraved on the inside.

But I haven't even told you
the best part.

That I believe.

Usually by this time Audrey's
dropped a bunch of hints

about what she wants me to get
her or what she wants to do.

But this year? Nothing.
I'm thinking maybe she forgot.

Hey, buddy,
I'm really sorry.

Why? It would be the greatest
thing that ever happened.

Better than the time
that squirrel beat up a possum?

[CHUCKLES]

I don't believe that happened.
I know what I saw.

Anyway, why is it great that
she forgot your anniversary?

Because usually I forget.

I've been the goat in our
marriage for a long time.

I forget things, I'm selfish,
I'm insensitive.

That's not gonna change.

But if I remember in the same
year Audrey forgot,

I totally win.

And more importantly,
she loses.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I think
she lost 16 years ago.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

Hey, you would not believe this
Italian girl I met last night.

Why is it you feel
the need to tell me

of every woman into
whose pants you gain entry?

I've yet to gain entry.

Uh, she doesn't speak any
English.

My Italian's a little rusty

but I will tell you that her
pantalones are muy caliente.

That's Spanish.

Ah, merci.

French.
See, this is why I need you.

I need you to come on my date
tomorrow and be our translator.

And that brings us to the part
of the morning where I ask,

why me?

I'm assuming
you speak Italian, right?

I mean, you speak Spanish,
French

and what's that crazy one you do
on the phone with your mom?

It's so irritating.

Honestly, this is you asking me
for a favor? I'll pass.

Well, wait,

would you pass on this?

[SNIFFS]

Hmm? Smells good.

I wouldn't even consider this
if I weren't grossly underpaid

and in desperate need of cash
to pay off student loans.

No.

Not quite, termite.

You'll get your money
at the end of the date.

Ah, the policy for all
your romantic encounters.

[***]

Hey, what do you wanna do
tomorrow night?

Um, wanna see a movie?

I'll bring my man-purse, we can
sneak in a bunch of candy.

Not that I'm not
turned on by that,

but I was thinking
we could do something different.

What about bowling?
Um, I don't think so.

Why not? Weren't you like a
junior champ or something?

It was All County Junior Men's
Bowling Champion, division one.

I can't bowl in a
non-competitive situation.

Well, don't take it
so seriously.

Just relax and have fun.

[CHUCKLING]

Honey, it's not a switch
I can just turn off, you know.

I have to bowl at the peak level
of my ability, period.

Come on, it would be sexy

seeing you do
something you're great at.

Oh, yeah,
you got that right.

Phew, I was pretty popular
with the Alley Cats.

That's what we call
the bowling groupies.

Yeah, maybe the man purse
full of candy was the way to go.

Too late, you lit the fuse.

Tomorrow night,
the Adamizer rolls.

[***]

Okay, thank you, hey.
Hey.

I just ordered Audrey a huge
bouquet of anniversary flowers.

Oh, she'll love that.
No, she won't.

Just make her realize
that she forgot,

she'll feel like garbage.

I also made
fancy dinner reservations.

Will she love that?

No, she'll feel too guilty.

This is gonna be great.

Your relationship
is different than mine.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Don't worry,
you'll get there.

Hey, Jeff.

But what if Audrey
didn't forget?

What if she's
just not saying anything

because she's planning
a surprise?

Huh...

She knows I hate surprises

so you could be right.

I have to find out
if that's what she's up to.

Look, why don't you just be
a loving husband--

No, no here's the move.

You come on in with me

and you invite us to do
something really lame

with you and Jen
tomorrow night.

Can't. Already made plans
to go bowling.

Perfect.

If she accepts,
she clearly has nothing planned.

Okay, fine, but look,

if you're gonna bowl with me
you have to play by the rules.

You mean throw the ball
and try to knock down the pins?

[CHUCKLES]

It's a little more complicated
than that.

It really isn't.

Hey.
Hey. How was work?

Oh, it was great,
you ought to try it.

Oh.

I just had a thought.

Um, Jen and I are going bowling
tomorrow night.

You guys wanna come?

Bowling, huh?

What an intriguing offer,
uh...

What do you think, Aud?

Sure, yeah.

Let's go bowling.

It puts us one bird-beak
phonograph away

from being the Flintstones.

Well, then tomorrow night,
we shall bowl.

That shall be the activity
of the evening.

Okay.

AUDREY:
What time do
you think we should go--?

I'm just really excited
about bowling.

[***]

So, Sophia, what brought
you here from Italy?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Ahh.

She initially
came to visit friends.

But she thinks she'll stay on
and perhaps take some classes.

Oh, nice.

Well, tell her
no need to worry,

she has got all the class
in the world.

I'm not saying that.
Heh-heh.

Tell her.

[SIGHS]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[CHUCKLES]

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

Ah, she liked that one.

I'm sure she was just
humoring you with a fake laugh.

I think I would know
if a woman is faking it.

He said proudly.

Are you ready to order?
Oh, very much so.

A gourmet meal is
the only silver lining

to this whole ordeal.
Uh, no food for you.

I don't want you chewing
while you're translating.

But, sir--

No, no, I need
your mouth available.

[CHUCKLES]

I need her mouth
available too, heh-heh.

Tell her.

Tell her!

[***]

So did they deliver
the flowers to Audrey?

Oh, I, uh, cancelled them.
Why?

I realized they would've
reminded hers that she forgot.

So she could
run out to get a gift,

claimed she knew all along,
and stolen my glory.

Heh, that's good thinking.

I also printed out confirmations

of the dinner reservation
and flowers

so that I have evidence
that I remembered.

You guys are all set,
lanes four, 10, and 12.

Excuse me,
do you have 10 pound balls?

Yes.

Quick question, when was the
last time you washed your balls?

The balls get washed
once a week.

Interesting.

I gotta go do
some visualizing.

Oh, one more question,
do you have blue balls?

[***]

Sir, Sophia is in the
ladies' room, for God's sake,

may I please
have a piece of bread?

Fine. Go quick.
Ah.

Here she comes.

Ah. Ha-ha-ha.

Aloha.

Hey, um, tell her
how worldly I am

and that I've travelled
Europe expensively.

I assume you mean
extensively.

No, expensively.

I want her to know
how loaded I am.

She already knows that from
when you had me tell her

you wanted to name
one of your boats after her.

And, sir, you can
do better than that.

What, am I suppose to name
all my boats after her?

The whole fleet?

You have no boats.

I'm saying you should
be open and honest

and let her know
what's in your heart.

All right, take it easy
Timminy Cricket.

Okay, tell her...

...I'd like to know...
Okay.

...what color her
underpants are.

[CHUCKLES]

No.

Oh, because
she's European

she might not be wearing any,
I got you. Okay, okay.

Good night.
No, no, no, stay.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Ah. All right.

Tell her
I'm glad I met her

and maybe she'd like to tell me
about her family in Italy?

Now there you go, sir.

Honest, simple,
from the heart.

All right,
just tell her.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Well?

Um...

She was hoping to pursue
a purely physical relationship.

[CHUCKLES]

RUSSELL:
Ahh. Ahh.

Pants, one.
Heart, zero, all right.

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Physical, heh.

[***]

Audrey, are you enjoying
this evening

which is distinguished solely
by the fact we went bowling?

Uh, yeah,
so far, so good.

Ah.

Oh, you and Jen each have
your own bowling balls?

No, they're both mine.
One's a spare ball.

All right, I'll just use that.
No, no, no.

It's not an extra ball,
it's a ball for spares.

The other one is for strikes.

You gotta be kidding me.

Have you never been
to a sanctioned bowling event?

This should be really fun.

[IN UNISON]
Mmm.

Ah.

Ask Sophia if she'd like
to come back to my place.

Fine, I hope she can hear
over the sound of my stomach

eating its own lining.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Si.

Yes, she's ready.

Ohh. Okay.

Done my dirty work here.
It is done.

[GIBBERING]

Oh, you're not done.

[***]

Si.

Yes.
Mm-hm.

Oh, si.

Yes.

Oh, si.

Oh, yes.

[***]

Yes, yes!

Adam, I accidentally
took your turn

when you were in the bathroom.
But, um, you can take mine.

Great, I'd be happy
to add to your 37.

Um, sorry.
ADAM: No problem.

I was working on a turkey,

but thanks for
the two pin contribution.

Hey, why don't,
uh, we take a break?

We'll have a little time out
and I'll go get us some drinks.

Oh, I'll help.

All right. Audrey's said nothing
about our anniversary

and it's too late for her to
throw anything together.

It's go time.

All right,
what are you gonna do?

When she comes back
I'm gonna grab a ball

and roll a strike.
Not with that follow through.

Then I'll turn around and
I'm gonna say happy anniversary.

This will be my shining moment
as a husband.

My moment of triumph.

Happy anniversary.
What the--

Happy anniversary, honey.

You remembered?
AUDREY: Of course.

What, just now? You ran and
grabbed the bowling alley cake?

Heh, no.

This cake is from that bakery
that you love on 72nd Street.

And I know you've had a lot
to deal with this year with me

quitting my job and finding a
surrogate and all that nonsense.

And I didn't want to put
any more pressure on you.

So it's okay that you
forgot again, I'm not upset.

No, this year I didn't forget.
I remembered.

Okay, Jeff,
you don't have to do that.

I told you I am not upset.

No, really, I remembered.
ADAM: Yeah.

Yeah, he's got proof.
Show her the receipts.

No.

What receipts?
There are no receipts. I, uh...

I forgot.

They're right there
in his pocket.

No, they're not.

AUDREY:
Oh.

A dinner reservation
and a receipt from the florist.

So why am I not
at this restaurant

smelling these flowers?

You're not focusing
on the right thing here.

The point is,

I remembered.

And you thought I forgot.

So you...

You canceled the dinner
and the flowers

but retained the confirmation
to shove in my face?

Happy anniversary.

I don't want you hanging
around with him anymore.

Now can we get back
to bowling?

[***]

Hey.

I got you these.

You still mad?

You mean, from the worst thing
you've ever done

that happened 20 minutes ago?

Still raw. I hear you.

These flowers
are just temporary

and not just
because they're mostly dead.

I reordered you
the giant bouquet flowers.

And we have those dinner
reservations for tomorrow night.

Well, that's a start.

You have your choice
of 5:15 or 10:45.

You know,

if you spend a fraction of
the time you spend game playing

and plotting against me
toward nice things--

I won't deny it, this one
kind of got away from me.

I, uh, I'm really sorry.

I gotta get to the gym.
I'm tense, I've been tense.

[SIGHS]

I know you have.

I was just so proud of myself
when I remembered.

Well, at least that shows

you were trying
to be a good husband.

Then when I thought you forgot--
You got greedy.

I did.

I flew too close to the sun.

Well, to use a phrase

I've used far too often
on our anniversary:

I forgive you.

You do?
Yeah, come on.

We're 16 years in,
nobody's going anywhere.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Who'd have thought you
remembering our anniversary

would be so much worse
than you forgetting it?

Well, don't worry.
That won't happen again.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, Audrey, sometimes
I don't think I deserve you.

So there are times
when you think you do?

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

Timmy.

Timmy. I need you.

Oh. Again? Sir, at a certain
point I really don't think

this is about the translating.
No, no, no.

You gotta help me eject her
from the cockpit.

At some point
during the night

she got a little clingy
and annoying.

Well, you know, sir,

that's your problem because
my translating duties are over.

That's funny because my paying
you duties are over. Wha--?

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

[RUSSELL CHUCKLES]

All right, tell her, uh,

you know, I had fun
but we both know the score.

Fine.

[IN ITALIAN]

Uh, you know, I wish her
the best but I got to move on.

[IN ENGLISH]
Okay.

[IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]

Uh, she's taking it
like a real trooper, ha, ha.

[***]

[***]