Original subtitles

I feel like I accomplished

everything I wanted to in publishing.

I'm ready for fresh challenges. Oh, heads up!

Hey, not cool, Andy.

We're interviewing a lady over here.

Ah, heh. So you two founded a company?

Yeah, Tug and I started it last year

with money I made selling my Ritalin.

Oh...

So you don't need it any--?

[STAMMERS]

So can you tell me more about what you do?

Well, we, uh, created a gaming website.

Some venture capital thing just gave us,

like, a buttload of seed money.

Oh.

Perhaps you can buy back Barry's meds.

Yeah, well, so now we just

need someone to keep things organized,

so we can focus on the more important stuff.

Hey, we're gonna go drop a case of toner off the roof, bro.

Sweet.

We're gonna have to cut this short.

I don't know much about technology,

but, uh, dropping things off the roof

doesn't seem like a great idea.

Phew. Audrey's right, Barry.

This is the kind of thinking we need around here,

someone with great business ideas.

[CHUCKLES]

Like not killing innocent pedestrians?

Audrey's right again, Bar.

[***]

So you're not gonna take the job?

Hmm. I don't think it's for me.

Yeah, you're right.

Hold out for something more to your taste.

Queen of England can't live forever.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hello, Audrey. Hello there, Jeff.

Um, what are you doing here?

Surprise! I've been trying to reach you

but you haven't called me back.

Oh, I never got any messages.

No one's returning my calls lately.

It must be something wrong with my phone.

Yes, the only possible explanation.

Ahem, so why are you here?

That's the surprise. I live here now.

No, you don't.

I do, silly.

I took that sublet from the Bertman's.

I'm gonna be right upstairs from you.

We'll be seeing each other all the time.

Yay!

[GIGGLING]

Oh, look, Jeff,

you made me drop my panties.

Can you hand those back to me, please?

Ah...

Silly.

[SIGHS]

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you? *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait for me and you *

[***]

How could you let this happen?

How can Liz be living above us?

Look, we had lunch the other day

and I mentioned something about the Bertman's

wanting to sublet their place.

Audrey's mouth kills us again.

You gotta tell her to get out now

before she unpacks any more of her parachute underwear.

I could never do that to Liz. That would crush her.

Well, then fine, I'll crush her. Go get my fish bat.

Jeff, Liz gave me my first job. Okay?

She considers me her best friend.

Well, congratulations, you beat out a dozen cats

and some pudding.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Mayday, neighbors.

Can I borrow a plunger?

Prewar plumbing. Ha-ha.

Sure, Liz. Happy to help.

[CHUCKLES]

And if you have some towels you don't care about...

[SIGHS]

You seem all flushed, Jeff.

Were you and Audrey making love?

[***]

Hmm. Let's see.

According to the delivery service website

you'll receive your package tomorrow by half 10.

Oh. So...

Five?

Uhm. No, 10:30.

In England, they say half 10.

Oh, well, here in America, we just say what we mean.

Take a look at the map.

Okay.

As you can see,

from Shenyang, it went to Oakland,

then Minneapolis and on to Fort Lee, New Jersey.

Ah. It's getting close.

Uh, what's going on here?

Exploring the whereabouts of Mr. Rhodes' package.

Yeah.

I can tell you the whereabouts of Mr. Rhodes' package,

and I'm saying, not at work.

No, I'm having a new video game overnighted.

The latest "Field of Duty."

Ooh, heh, heh. Doody.

Ah. Fun with homonyms.

Why don't you two homonyms wrap it up?

Hey, why don't you come by tomorrow night,

we'll break in the new game?

Oh, that's very kind of you, Mr. Rhodes,

but, um, as it stands I have other plans.

What are you doing?

Well, actually, um....

I joined an a cappella group.

I wish you hadn't told me that, Timmy.

I'm gonna have to call Homeland Security.

Not an al Qaeda group, an a cappella group.

A group of singers who perform without accompaniment.

Oh, okay.

But still...

[WHISPERS] Watch it.

[***]

[DOOR OPENS]

JEFF: Audrey?

AUDREY: Shh.

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

What are you doing? Hiding from Liz.

She has been calling all day

and popping by

with depressing stories about her cats

and her tap dance recitals.

She tried to return the towels.

[PHONE RINGING]

Don't answer that.

AUDREY [ON RECORDING]: Jeff and Audrey aren't here. Leave a message at the tone.

[PHONE BEEPS]

LIZ [OVER PHONE]: Howdy, neighbors.

Thought I heard you talking, but I guess I was wrong.

Anyway, I just wanted to make sure

I wasn't bothering anybody while I'm rehearsing.

Call me when you get in so we can hang. Ciao.

Rehearsing?

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

[FEET TAPPING]

Seriously, get my fish bat.

[***]

[SINGSONG] * Raging Toners *

One, two, three, four!

ALL: * Huh! Crocodile rocking Is something shocking *

* When your feet Just can't keep still *

* I never knew me A better time *

* And I guess I never will *

* Oh, lawdy, mama Those Friday nights *

* When Suzie wore Her dresses tight *

* Then the crocodile rocking Was out of sight *

* La, la-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* La, la-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* Rock, rock, rock *

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

How did you--? Adam.

Of course.

All right, sir, let the abuse begin.

Shall we speculate

regarding the object wedged in my bottom

which assists me in hitting the high notes?

You did sing pretty high.

Or would you like to suggest that Elton John and I

have more in common than just music,

if I know what you mean.

[SIGHS]

You sing with dudes, it's pretty lame.

Yeah, uh, Timmy,

we're gonna meet early tomorrow for vocal exercises.

We really want to open up our throats

and work those pipes.

All right, I gotta run.

Seriously? Throats, pipes, nothing?

[***]

[***]

[FEET TAPPING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

AUDREY [WHISPERS]: No, no, she'll hear you open it.

[SIGHS]

[BELCHES]

[MUSIC AND TAPPING STOP]

[FOOTSTEPS]

Creature's on the move.

[DOOR CLOSES]

It's coming this way. Go. Go, go, go.

My beer, my beer. Leave it, leave it, leave it.

All right!

I am almost ready to blow away some Nazis.

The whole thing seems kind of violent to me.

No, trust me, honey, the Nazis have it coming.

They were way out of line.

[GASPS]

Still avoiding your friend Liz? Yes.

Is she really that bad?

Jeff just left a full beer in our apartment.

[BOTH GASPS]

Poor guy deserved better.

This looks fun. Oh, yeah, man.

"Field of Duty IV."

"Field of Duty 4."

Oh, right. Anyway, it's set in World War 11.

Two.

It's, uh--

Yeah, no, it's World War II. World War II.

But he's really cute.

I know.

No, I was just reminding myself.

[***]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

If I may, sir, is everything okay?

What's that? Oh, yeah, no, everything--

Yeah, everything's fine. Why?

It's just that last night you witnessed me

singing with a group of men and...

I thought for sure you would mock me to

and perhaps beyond the point of tears.

Yet here I stand.

Unmocked, eyes dry.

I guess I owe you an explanation for that.

Can you, uh, shut the door? Of course.

Last night when I saw your group--

The Raging Toners, yes.

Raging Toners.

Uh, back in college,

there was this supercool all-male singing group.

And I wanted nothing more than to be an Acapelican.

You sang, sir? I wanted to.

I practiced for weeks.

But at the audition, I choked.

Nerves kicked in...

throat dried up.

I could barely squeak.

How awful for you, sir.

And last night, uh, hearing your voices

blending in sweet harmony...

[SIGHING]

weaving an all-male tapestry of song,

all that pain came flooding back.

I hate to think of you living your life

wondering if you'd missed out on something special.

No, there's no Netflix for what might have been.

Maybe there is. Hm?

Gordon is leaving our group.

His antiques shop is taking more of his time

than he'd anticipated.

And we're looking for a replacement.

[SIGHING]

There's no way I could...

Shh...Could I?

[***]

[SCREAMING ON TV]

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, Liz was hovering again

and I had to get some laundry done.

Hey, you're out of beer.

But in the spirit of being considerate,

I wrote it on your grocery list.

Okay, this is starting to become a problem.

I know. Who buys just a sixpack? Get a case.

What happened? I thought you were gonna talk to Liz

about backing off a little bit.

She chickened out. I didn't chicken out.

I started to talk to her but then came the water works.

What, she started crying?

No, her plumbing backed up again.

Don't give her any more towels.

There's nothing worse than an annoying neighbor

who makes it impossible to relax in your own apartment.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Pizza for Jeff? Oh.

So Jen threw you out?

Ah! Yeah, well...

joke's gonna be on her

when she goes to look for her grated cheese.

[CHUCKLES]

I just have to tell Liz the truth.

She'll understand.

My God, the stuff someone left in this dryer.

Oh, no! This underwear.

This is her laundry.

Unless there's a pirate ship drifting around

somewhere without a sail.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Oh, no, what if that's her?

We have nowhere to go, we're trapped.

Come!

[FEET TAPPING]

Audrey? Jeff?

Oh, hi, Liz.

What you doing back there?

I was just checking out the specs on this baby.

See? Audrey, I told you it was a front loader.

Ah.

You two had a dinner tonight.

You said that's why you couldn't come over

and look at my slides of Colonial Williamsburg.

Yes, well, uh...

I guess I didn't need to go to Virginia

to see someone acting like Benedict Arnold.

[SHOES TAPPING] [JEFF SIGHS]

Imagine what she did to colonial plumbing.

[***]

Hey, guys, I just, uh,

want to thank you and the Toners...

[SIGHS]

...for giving me this opportunity.

And lending me the blazer. Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

That's fine, sir. Whenever you're ready.

[PLAYING PITCH PIPE]

* Oh *

[FAINTLY PLAYING PITCH PIPE]

[SINGS OFF-KEY]

All right, I'm gonna stop.

That didn't count. I just-- I think it's this.

[PLAYING PITCH PIPE]

* Oh, my love *

* My darling *

* I've hungered for your touch *

* Are you still mine? *

* I need your love *

* I *

* I need your love *

* Godspeed your love *

* To *

* Me *

ALL: Yes!

Oh, um... Stupid, I know.

Oh, sir.

[SIGHS] That was exquisite.

I was kind of in and out, and pitchy,

but thank you. Thank you.

Oh, no, um...

Thank you, sir.

Really and, um,

on behalf of The Raging Toners we would...

be honored to blend your golden voice with ours.

Oh, yeah, that's not gonna happen.

I'm sorry, what?

Uh, you were right.

I needed to do it, and I did it.

Feels good. Excuse me.

But, sir, that...

This is absurd. You have an incredible gift.

But I have another gift

that's even more fun than singing...

and that's making fun of those who sing.

I think I'm gonna go with that one.

And by the way, guys, can you wait

till I get out of the building

before you oil up and make a naked pyramid?

Or as you call it, rehearsing.

[***]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey. Liz, can I come in?

Oh, don't sit there. Tiffy just threw up.

Well...

Listen, I feel terrible about hurting your feelings.

You've been such a loyal friend over the years,

and you deserve better.

It's okay, Audrey. I get it.

You do? Yes.

Jeff comes home from work, you haven't seen him all day.

You two value your privacy.

I've always imagined you have a...

vigorous physical life together.

Well, oh...

I think I'm getting a touch of what Tiffy had.

I know if Jeff were my man,

I certainly wouldn't want some footloose single gal,

dancing around in tapwear,

putting dangerous thoughts into his head.

I'm gonna back off you two.

Oh, I appreciate how understanding you're being.

You're being really great.

And besides, you and I are the ones who are friends.

Yes, we are.

And we have all day to do girl stuff

now that you're not working.

Maybe tomorrow we can go bathing-suit shopping.

Did somebody say "French cut"?

Oh!

I will take the job. Great.

What made you change your mind? Uh, my friend Liz convinced me.

Sorry.

No problem at all.

[BOTH CHUCKLES]

[***]

* Oh, lawdy, mama Those Friday nights *

* When Suzie wore Her dresses tight *

* The crocodile rocking Was out of sight *

* La, la-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* La, la-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

* La-la-la-la-la *

ALL: * La-la-la-la-la *

* Rock, rock, rock **

[***]

[***]