All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E14.Uh.Oh.Its.Magic.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

Hey, I'm, uh,

gonna go out for a couple
of cold ones after work.

Is this a sex warning,
or what are we doing here?

Well, it wasn't, but now
that it's on the table...

I should drink too?

I'm just saying, I'm meeting
up with Brenda later.

Oh, Brenda, our surrogate?

You mean the only Brenda
that both of us have ever known?

Yeah, that one.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

You know what would be fun?

Yes, the opposite of whatever
you're about to propose.

If I came out with you
and Brenda.

So I was right.

Only instead of a bar,
let's go to a nice restaurant.

But we already--

Tell Brenda
to bring her girlfriend.

Maybe she doesn't wanna--

This is perfect,
double date, great.

Wow, that, uh,
got away from me fast.

Look, uh, you know I love you,
right?

Sure?
Here's the thing.

Brenda's my softball buddy,
she and I, we hang out.

Exactly. But she's gonna
be carrying our child.

You guys have your softball
and your sports and--

Our mutual fondness
for a nice rack.

If you're waiting
for me to add "of lamb"

it's gonna be a long night.

You have a relationship with
her. I want one too.

I understand that. I'm just
saying, let's not force it.

How am I forcing it?
By insisting on joining us

and changing
where we're going

and making Brenda
bring her girlfriend.

That's all you got?

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

So you guys are double dating
with a couple of lesbians?

Three women,
zero chance of getting any.

If I can't
carry our child,

at least I can bond
with the woman who will.

Gross.

If you wanna
bond with Brenda,

why don't you go
out to lunch with her

or offer to caddy for her?

Oh, does she play golf?
Most of them do.

Morning, sir. At the risk
of being a Nagging Nelly,

you still haven't completed

my work evaluation
I gave you three weeks ago.

Whoa, Nelly,
first things first.

These grapes
aren't gonna peel themselves.

Come on, set them free.

All you need do
is complete a simple form

so I can get
the 3 percent raise

I deserve possibly more than
any other person on this planet.

I'll have you know
you're witnessing rock bottom.

[IMITATES BIRD CAWING]

Mm.

Squishy. Better.

I'll get to your stupid
evaluation.

But I've been quite busy
hanging out with Jessica, hmm.

Who's this Jessica?
Is it serious

or is she just using you
to get into R-rated movies?

[LAUGHING]

She is a full grown adult.
And she even has a son. Oh.

You're dating someone
with a child?

Oh, yeah, I know what
you're thinking,

but don't worry,
C-section.

That's not
what I was thinking.

Who else but you
would think that?

Hey, did you get
those tickets for tonight?

Yes. Two for the Criss Angel
magic show. Front row, center.

All right, great, she's so
into this Mindfreak guy.

But I'm gonna keep my eyes
closed for most of the show

so my mind does not
get freaked.

But then hers will
and that's when I make me move.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

There's no way
that'll work.

Never underestimate
the power of suggestion.

Take your top off.

Is she doing it?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

Hey.
Hey.

Hey.

Who finally put
that painting up?

Oh, Joe, the new super.

But I said I was gonna do it.
You did say that.

And then the seasons changed.

And then we had the Olympics.

Okay, I get it.

Hey, how are you?
Hey, I'm good, what's going on?

I just finished building the
dividers in your drawers, Jen.

Thanks so much, Joe.

I made that dividers
in your drawers.

Yeah, out of
cut up cereal boxes.

It was good enough for
Rachael Ray, but whatever.

Also, I got
your new shower head.

I'll come back
to install it tomorrow.

I just kind of ran out of time

with everything you have
to do around here.

Oh, tell me about it,
it really piles up.

JOE:
Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, look, you don't have
to go calling the super

every time
you need something.

Well, who else should I call?
Hello?

Hi. Who else should I call?

Me. Look, honey,

I don't want that guy
poking around in your drawers.

Honey, I love you,
but, you know

Joe's the kind of guy
who can do manly stuff.

I do manly stuff all the time.

Babe, the other day you hit
a squirrel with your bicycle

and then you cried.

[SIGHS]

It was just so unexpected.

[***]

Oh. Hey.

Bren, look at you,
all pretty.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks.
When you changed tonight

from beer and nachos
to this place

I had to, you know,
girl it up a bit.

And I had to stop
for beer and nachos.

[CHUCKLES]

Nice.

So, uh, where's Audrey?

Considering it's 8:00
and we have 8:00 reservations

we can eliminate "here".

I'm sorry that, uh,
Audrey hijacked our hang.

But she's just,
you know, she's all

warm and fuzzy
about this surrogate thing.

I know, it's sweet,
and I am super pumped too.

But maybe we don't hit it
too hard tonight

you know, because I haven't
exactly told Becky

about the whole
surrogate thing yet.

Seriously? Why not?

Hasn't come up.

Well, uh,
how is it gonna come up?

How was your day?
Any people in you?

[CHUCKLES]

We're just a little bit new,
and I don't wanna freak her out.

What? What do you mean
she's having your baby?

Great. First time Audrey's
ever shown up on time.

[BRENDA SIGHS]

[***]

So this is my office,

this is my whole world here,
I own everything.

In fact,

here's a ream of paper,
just for you, buddy. Go nuts.

Sir, I thought you'd left
for the evening.

Oh, Timmy,
you remember Jessica.

Yes, indeed.
Lovely to see you again.

You too.
And this is her son, Leland.

Oh, hello there, Leland,
nice to meet you.

You two seem to have hit it off.
We'll see you in four hours.

Excuse me?
Oh, I...

I told Jessica how you said

that you'd watch
little Leland.

That is so nice of you,
Timmy.

Yes, of course.

Please excuse us
for a moment.

[DOOR OPENS]

Babysitting? Like I have
nothing better to do?

What's your big night tonight?
You're gonna go

crank the old sitar music
and charm the snake?

I definitely
want to help you now.

Heh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Come on, buddy, this is
my big night with Jessica.

I'm taking her
to Criss Angel

but here's where
the real magic is gonna go down.

Are you sure
it's not going to happen

in her wine glass
when she's not looking?

Sir, I do not have
any experience with children.

I'm going to be
completely lost.

You told me
you were once an au pair.

I said
I once had an au pair.

To which you said,
I should grow au pair.

[LAUGHS]

All right, I'll babysit
for you if you promise me

that tomorrow, you will complete
my performance evaluation.

What's on my schedule tomorrow?
Nothing.

I'll make time
because it's important.

[***]

So when were you gonna
tell me about this baby?

You guys, I had no idea
she didn't know, I am so sorry.

It's not your fault.
Hold on, Audrey just apologized.

This is a special moment.

I know you're not great
at communicating

but this just takes it
to a whole new level.

Oh, come on, Becky,
I was gonna to tell you.

When?
At baby's first birthday?

Which you will totally
be invited to.

We want you both
to be super involved.

I don't even know you.

Becky, I don't think that you're
seeing the positives in this.

What positives?

Well, I'm no doctor--
Please don't finish that.

But when Brenda
gets pregnant,

she's gonna get
a lot bigger on top.

Okay, okay.

Look, I know that I
should have said something.

It's just I'm not good
at this stuff, you know, heh.

No kidding.

Becky. Becky.

Beck, wait.

It was a great idea
getting us all together.

[***]

[***]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

This show is incredible.

I know, how are you
ever gonna thank me?

Whoa, there's a start.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

ANGEL:
Thank you very much, folks.

I gotta underscore the,
uh, warning

for the young people
that are watching

and the drunk people:
Don't try this at home.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't worry, there's other
stuff we can try at home.

For the next demonstration

I actually need a couple of
volunteers to help me out.

Oh, we have a beautiful
young lady, right center.

Right front row,
right over there.

I assume the gentleman
with the tie is your date?

Uh, actually,
I am her date, sir.

I thought I was
the magician.

I'm just teasing. Give them
a nice round of applause

as they make their way
to the stage.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Yes, come on.

Thank you very much.

[***]

Oh, honey, you did it.
Oh, yeah. See?

You don't need Joe
when I'm around.

Heh. Is that the belt
from my robe?

What about it?
Nothing.

Okay, go ahead, turn it on.
All right.

Ah.

Look at that.
Heh.

So perhaps you'd like to take it
for a little test drive with me.

Ooh, perhaps I would.

All right,
I'll go get some towels

and then I'll meet you
back in there.

Good, good.

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

[THUDS]

[***]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

ANGEL: Now, Russell.
Yeah?

I want you to see that
everything's completely fair.

As matter of fact, I want you
to take it a step further.

Touch Jessica's hand.

Gladly, heh.

Fair?
Yeah. That's her.

All right. Jessica, I want
you to wave your hands for us.

I want you
to pull them in.

Go!

[GRUNTS]

[RUSSELL LAUGHS]

Whoa.

Where'd she go?

I bet this isn't the first time
he's said that on a date.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Heh, well,
first of all, I get a ton.

And secondly, seriously,
where is she, dude?

Give him a nice round of
applause. The little guy.

Back to your seat.
Come on, dude, single mom

out for the night,
I got a sitter

help me out,
man to magician here?

Give him a nice round of
applause. Thank you very much,

you were great.
Oh, I get it.

When you make her re-appear,

don't worry about
the under garments.

Okay, buddy.
All right!

Give him a round of applause.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Audrey.
Oh, hey, Brenda. How's it going?

Good, I just kind of felt
like talking to Jeff.

Oh, okay.

Did you get things
worked out with Becky?

No, that's done.
Game over.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, thanks. It's kind of what
I want to talk to Jeff about.

Jeff, uh...

He's terrible
at comforting people.

I was upset when our cat died,
all he could say was:

"Adios, fuzzy crap factory."

I'm the one you want. Come on,
I got just what you need.

Choose your weapon.
I'm okay.

Hmm, you say that,

when you see me eating this,
you are gonna want some.

Mm.

Really old, ugh.

Okay, you know
what really helps?

I found it helps to talk it out.
Heh.

Hey. What, uh,
happened with your lady?

Hmm, pfft.

Beer?
Yeah.

We'll be back in a while.

Thank you, New York City,
you've been a great audience.

Good night!
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Show's not over, people.

There's gotta be more
because my date

is still not here.

[***]

Sorry, I got stuck
on the phone with my mom.

Hope you didn't get
too much of a head start.

Adam! Adam!
Are you okay?

Joe, I need your help.

Is Adam trying to fix something?
Yes.

[***]

Oh, my God!
Honey, are you all right?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
Joe took care of it.

I totally get it now.

The water's running pretty bad
in there. Can you grab my tools?

Sure.
Thanks.

Your jaw line is fantastic.

[***]

Thanks for taking me out.
It was just what I needed.

Anytime.
And don't worry about Becky.

Someone else will come along

and make you forget
all about her.

Sort of hard to picture.
Mm-hm.

I can kind of see it now.

[***]

[WOMAN CHUCKLING]

Hey. What's up, man?

Hey, Mr. Angel,
uh, guy from crowd.

Um, listen, uh,
firstly, great show,

my mind was sufficiently
freaked.

That was good. And, uh,
secondly, where's my date?

Where is she?
Or where isn't she?

Hmm, the first one.

Oh, Jessica.
There she is, I see her.

Or do you not?

[SCOFFS]

Well, it's not really magic.
You just closed the door.

Or did I open your mind?

Okay. Oh, my God.
I can't have a conversation.

Listen, uh, can we just
get Jessica out here?

I'm on my own schedule
to make something disappear.

How do you expect to hang out
with a beautiful girl

with a thread
hanging from your shirt?

Oh, I didn't even see that, heh.
Okay, well, it's a long one.

All right, well,
thank you for grabbing...

Oh, don't eat it.

Oh.

Oh, you're chewing a thread.
Oh, how does he do it, folks?

Ahh.

Oh.

Oh, gross.
Oh, disgusting.

Okay, you know what? You can
keep the thread and the girl.

You don't want the thread?

[***]

Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Nothing.
Jets by four.

Okay. Um...

I'm gonna head out, so, uh,

I'll be out of your hair
in a second.

Hey, Bren?
Yep?

You wanna do the old lady
a solid?

Ugh. I haven't been with a
straight girl since college,

and trust me,
it doesn't go well.

Heh, no.
No, no-- Wait.

No.

Okay, what?

Since you're gonna be having
our kid all up in there

Audrey got all excited
about you two bonding.

So give her something.
You know,

pretend like you like
to hang with her.

Heh, I do like
hanging out with her.

There you go.

Jeff, I really do like--
No, no-- Not me.

Go sell it to her.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

Hey.
Oh, hey.

You guys need some more food?
No, no, we're good.

So, um, where are you off to?

Oh, Bloomingdale's.
I love their shoe department.

Oh, yeah. Me too.
Uh, their men's shoe department.

[CHUCKLES]

Isn't there that
new Spanish place by there?

Yes. I took Jeff there.

Oh, yeah? Did he like it?
No.

He, uh, misheard me when I
told him it was a tapas bar.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. That's how they got me
there the first time too.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

So, um, what do you say
we hit up Bloomingdale's

and then go grab some cocktails
and some dinner?

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah, I wanna drink
as much as possible

before you and Jeff knock me up.
[LAUGHS]

Getting drunk always helped

when Jeff was
trying to do it to me.

[LAUGHS]

I bet.
Heh.

Yo, Audrey and I
are going to Bloomingdale's.

Oh, that's great.

Then I'm gonna take her
to that tapas place nearby.

I gotta warn you, you're
in for a big disappointment.

Hey.
Yeah?

Nice work.
Heh.

Jeff, I really do like
hanging out with Audrey.

That's great, keep it up.

[***]

[***]

Good morning, sir.
RUSSELL: Not for me.

That dumb magician
stole my date.

Oh, yes.
When she called to check in

I did hear someone in the
background yelling "ta-da."

In any event, I do believe
you owe me one evaluation.

All right.

[GROANS]

Oh, it's more than one page?

Spotted the staple.
Well done, sir.

I'm tired.

That one I should've
seen coming.

[***]

[***]