All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E12.Little.Bummer.Boy.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

Hey, do you want
the rest of my--?

Okay.

Actually, I was gonna say eggs.
Okay.

You know, it's not you versus
your cholesterol pills.

You're supposed
to be working together.

I do love my single life

but it would be nice
to have someone

who didn't want me to die.

Well, you do,
a whole city full of escorts.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just saying if you watch
the beginning closely

it gives away the ending.
Oh, my God.

Is he still talking
about Inception?

No, Rudolph the Red-Nosed
Reindeer.

They play the song
at the beginning

and it gives away the ending.

Like if at the beginning
is Sixth Sense

they had a song that went:

* Bruce Willis helps a kid
Who sees ghosts *

* But he's the only one
Who's really dead *

I'm just here
to grab some food and go.

I'm taking a bus to New Jersey.

To take the family
Christmas picture.

Oh, is Adam going?

No. My mom wants
family only.

And I found the perfect sweater,
but whatever...

Oh, wait.

You're gonna miss
the office Christmas party.

Oh, guess I'll have to wait
to find out

if it was a candy cane
in your pocket

or you were just happy
to see her.

Spoiler alert, it was both.

All right, I'll see you.
Bye.

Oh, I can't wait
to exchange Christmas presents.

I have the best gift for her.

I made her this coupon book
full of little favors, you know,

like, um, with hugs
and massages and cuddles.

Cuddles.
You gotta be kidding me.

Here's a peek
into our home life.

Oh, I have the greatest present
for Jen too.

Uh, no, that's a candy cane.

Excuse me.
Could I get honey for my tea?

Throat's a little sore.
Yeah.

Audrey and I went to a party
last night

and as usual she did
the lion's share of talking.

That's because all you ever say
is "nice to see you"

and "where's the bar?"

I really only care
about the second thing.

Anyway, that's why at parties,
I have to carry us as a couple.

Good thing I'm the funny one.

You're the funny one?
You knew that.

I don't think
anyone knew that.

Audrey, I think you're funny.
Thank you.

Remember that time
she wore that gray coat

and it was like so ridiculous
with the straps everywhere.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
that was hilarious.

And Jeff said she looked
like a Civil War general.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Jackets like that are in.

In 1863.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"My dearest Annabel,

"the war rages on

"but I must thank you
for the fine garments

you procure."

[LAUGHS]

Actually, Audrey
is the butt of those jokes

so you would be the butt
of the couple.

Mm-mm.

See, I don't have to resort
to cheap shots and insults.

Last night,
I got a great reaction

when I told that story
about our trip to Oahu.

I think it's pronounced Ohio.

Um, it's in Hawaii.

[LAUGHS]
Jeez.

Somebody get her a map.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MAY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say I love you *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side
There is no denying *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[**]

Timmy, it's gonna
be a very Merry Christmas.

Or whatever creepy
pagan ritual you observe.

What accounts for your
anticipation of said merriment?

I accidentally stumbled upon

Adam's homemade
Christmas coupons for Jen.

You mean went into
his office and stole.

Stumbled upon, yes.

Oh, He's certainly liberal
with the glitter, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

But I figure, why restrict
Adam's generosity to Jen

when the joy
could be spread to so many?

I mean, who wouldn't want
a back rub from Adam?

Or who wouldn't want
a shampooing from Adam?

Hey, who's that
white kid in shipping

with the nasty dreads
with the bugs in them?

That would be Nate.

Nate. Ah, good old Nate.

What's wrong? I'm having fun
at someone's expense

and it's not yours.

You should be enjoying this.

I suppose I'm still wistful
about my breakup with Allison.

Long-distance relationships
are just too difficult--

To listen to. Yeah.

You know what?
I think the Christmas party

is the perfect thing
to cheer you up.

I'm not sure,
I'm in the mood for a party.

Oh, come on,
let's put Allison behind you

and some other bimbo under you.

Perhaps it is time
for me to move on.

I guess I won't meet anybody new
just sitting at home.

I wanna help you out.

How about I make you
official party greeter?

Oh, I'd be honored, sir.

Yeah. And I'm sorry
about you and Allison.

Would a hug help?

You know, it just might.
Oh, here you go, buddy.

[**]

Wow, your company really stepped
it up this year.

I'll reserve judgment until
I see the size of the shrimp.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

Hey, Jeff.
Oh, hey, nice to see you.

Where's the bar?

It's right over there.

You remember Dan
and his girlfriend Barbara?

Hi.
Actually, it's fiancée.

Dan and his girlfriend fiancée.
That's lovely.

No, her name is Barbara.
We just got engaged.

Oh, well, that makes sense.
Congratulations.

Thank you.
Hey, little advice.

On the road to marriage,

don't be afraid to drive drunk.

[ALL LAUGH]

And if you are gonna
follow his roadmap,

don't get lost

because he's not gonna ask
for directions.

Why would I ask for directions
if, uh, we have a roadmap?

Uh, no,
that's why it's funny.

You know, because guys
don't ask for directions.

Dan does.

Okay. But that's unusual.

Especially now
that everybody's got GPS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

GPS.

That wasn't even a joke.

He was just
stating the facts.

Must be the way he said it.
[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, what are you doing?
What do you mean?

Wait, are you trying to prove
that you're the funny one?

No.
Because if you are,
I'll run home

and grab that Civil War jacket
for you.

They're very in.

[**]

Come out, Timmy.

TIMMY:
Mr. Dunbar?

When I agreed
to be the party greeter,

I did not agree to this.

Come on, chicks dig
a man in uniform.

Yeah.
[DOOR OPENS]

[LAUGHS]

Whoa.

Okay, don we now our gay
apparel. I finally get that.

That's your way of encouraging
me to stay in this outfit?

No, my way of encouraging you
to stay in the outfit

was throwing your clothes down
the garbage chute.

Come on,
let's hit the par-tay.

No, sir.
[WHISTLES]

I'm leaving here
with what's left of my dignity.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Oh, no, he's got little bells
on his shoes.

[LAUGHING]
It's too good.

[BELLS JINGLING]

I see what you're trying
to do.

You're trying to humiliate me
for your own amusement.

But you know what?
I am not going to give you

the satisfaction.

I'm staying.
Oh, that'll show me.

I'll show you,

by wearing this ensemble
with pride.

I don't know if using the word
"ensemble"

is helping your cause.

Go ahead, sir.
Mock away.

Well, I'm trying.
Stop interrupting.

You're going to be the one
who's disappointed

when people rally
around my costume

and appreciate
its holiday spirit--

Okay.
Ladies, welcome.

As your official greeter,

please allow me
to point out that the bar

and light hors d'oeuvres
are that way.

Thanks. Hey, which way
to the guys with pants?

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, and they didn't even
hear you walk.

[BELLS JINGLING]

[**]

Oh, Adam.

Thanks so much for the gift.

Gift.
Uh, what gift is that?

One of your special
super-squeeze, hugs.

Wait a minute.
Where'd you get that?

It was in my Christmas stocking.

Okay, um....

Look, Evelyn, there's been
a bit of a misunderstanding,

That coupon wasn't meant
for you.

Oh, that's too bad.

I've had kind of a rough week

with the subway incident
and all.

I could have really used a hug.

Wait.

I am a man of my word.

Get over here, you.

[SIGHS]

Feel better?

The coupon says
two full minutes.

That's why you work in legal.

Oh, hey, there you are.

Wish I could've found you sooner
but you know guys...

we don't ask for directions.

Shut up.
Stupid Dan and his dumb fiancée.

How could they not know
about that?

I don't know.
Maybe they're not hip

to the stand-up comedy themes
of the '80s.

You know what I should do.

Try to relax and have fun?

Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

Yeah.

No, I'm gonna bust out
my Hawaii story

and you are gonna set me up.

So start talking
about islands or vacations.

Oh, there's pineapple
on the buffet.

I don't need you.

Why has it become a big deal
all of a sudden

for you to be the funny one?
Who said it's a big deal?

I saw you making notes
on a napkin over there.

Maybe because I'm not working.
I'm self-conscious about that.

You don't have to be
self-conscious about anything.

You're charming.
You're beautiful.

Oh, that's sweet.

And I know you mean it
because that's the first drink.

[CHUCKLES]

Second?

We've been here
like eight minutes.

Time for a refill.

My grandmother had
a heart attack

right on Waikiki beach,

so we had to drop everything
and fly there.

Straight from the airport
to the morgue.

Not exactly a dream trip
to Hawaii.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but overhearing.
Did someone just say Hawaii?

[**]

You know, the last time I saw
legs like that

they were curled up
under Dorothy's house.

Good one, sir.

Now, if you'll please excuse me,

I have more good cheer
to spread.

By letting everyone
make fun of you?

Here, I'll help.
Check this out.

These days, even the North Pole
is outsourcing.

He's Indian.
Keep walking.

[LAUGHS]
[BELLS JINGLING]

Hey, are we hearing these bells,
people?

So originally,
the coupons were for my fiancée

then Russell,

who shall remain nameless,
gave them out.

You know what?
I'm rolling with it.

How's the pressure, Vic?

You can go a little deeper.

So day five, still no luggage.
Finally, we go to check out.

What do we see at the bell desk?
Our bags.

Which had been there
the entire time.

I mean, can you imagine
a worse trip to Hawaii?

Hawaii story?

Wish I could say
I was surprised.

Okay. There you go, Pearl.

You should get
that bunion checked out.

It's a little angry.

Uh, aren't you forgetting
something?

Merry Christmas.

I can't believe you're
actually doing this stuff.

A little awkward at first,
but I'm brightening their day

which makes my Christmas
even better.

Better?
It's supposed to be worse.

Well, I'm sorry,
but your little prank backfired.

Plus, I can still give
the coupons to Jen

now that I got them all back.

Ah, nertz.
Yep.

Wait a minute.
They're not all here.

Hey, Adam.
Oh, hey, Scotty.

I'd like to cash this in.
Oh.

Oh.

Hey, hey,
how about a little foot rub

or maybe a nice back massage
instead?

I want that one.

Okay, Scotty.
Let's do this.

[**]

You okay?
Uh, well...

I just told what I thought
was a funny story

and it made a woman cry.

Was it the "asking
for directions" thing

because I don't really get it.

But it didn't make me cry.

Maybe Jeff's right.

He thinks I try too hard
at parties.

Look how hard
he's working the buffet.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.

Look at the poor guy
stuck behind him.

Get that guy a magazine.
It's gonna be a while, pal.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

He looks like a whale
scooping up plankton.

That's hilarious.

It is?
What's so funny?

Audrey's talking about Jeff.

He looks like a bear
with a tapeworm.

[BOTH LAUGHING]
Tapeworm.

[LAUGHING]

AUDREY:
Now, check it out.
Now he's stuck behind someone.

Watch him pull
the old tap and slide.

Tap and slide.

[BARBARA AND DAN LAUGHING]

[**]

[ALL LAUGHING]

So after dinner, there's Jeff
passed out at the table,

hands down his pants.

All in all, not a great
first Thanksgiving

with my parents.

Oh, here he comes.
I bet he asks

the location of a food item.

Hey, Aud, did you see where
the stuffed-mushroom guy went?

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's a gift.

Anyway, it looked like you
were doing great.

I was.
Felt pretty good.

And couldn't have done it
without you.

So you learned from the master.

You were definitely
my inspiration.

Let's go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right. Thank you.

You know, I can't believe
they make you wear this getup.

Nobody made me.
I wore this myself.

Why would you do that?

Because it's Christmas
and if you can't have fun

and loosen up on Christmas,
when can you?

Ah.

Hey, speaking of loosening up--

I have no interest in hearing
how that sentence ends.

Come on,
can't you let a guy try?

Sorry,
you're not really my type.

Really?
What's your type?

Someone who embraces the joy
of the holidays.

Someone who gets into the fun
and the spirit of Christmas.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Christmas nertz.

Oh, nothing on the coupon
about that, Scotty.

[**]

You know what is not good?

Diner Eggnog

Really? Let me try it.
Get your own.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, here it is.

My mom sent me
our family Christmas photo.

Oh, well, wait.

I thought Adam
wasn't gonna be in it.

Oh, that's my cousin Cynthia.

Something's going on
with her hormone-wise.

[RUSSELL GROANS]

Oh, what's the matter?

Ghost of Christmas Future
come bearing test results?

Can we skip the pleasantries?

What's your problem?

My problem is
I tried to ruin

all my friends' Christmases
and they had fun anyway.

What's the matter with you?

You're gonna have to be
more specific.

You're sad because you weren't
able to ruin

Christmas for other people.

I am.
But maybe you're right.

Maybe that's not what
Christmas is all about.

Maybe, you think maybe
it might not be about that?

Why are you so against
people enjoying Christmas?

Because I never did.

When I was a kid,
every December,

my parents went to the Bahamas

and left me at home
with my nanny Helga.

Oh, poor Helga.

You're trying to make others
feel awful

because misery loves company.

See, Jeff agrees with
and approves of my behavior.

But maybe I should
try to change my holiday spirit.

You should.
I wasn't really

looking forward
to the holidays this year.

But it looks like it's gonna be
a Merry Christmas after all.

RUSSELL:
Oh, my God.

I unscrewed that last night!

It's a Christmas miracle.

God bless us all,
everyone.

[**]

Okay. So I know
it's not Christmas yet

but I wanna give you
your present now.

Oh, it's so cute.

[GASPS]

Oh, cuddles.
Yep.

Massage.
Mm-hm.

Breakfast in bed.

Oh, my gosh. And these are all
actually gifts for me.

None of them is really a gift
for you.

Well, there is one in there
that's kind of a gift for me.

I don't see it.
Huh?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, come on, Scotty.

I'll be right back.

What, you have to talk
to that guy?

Talk?

I wish.

[**]

[**]