Original subtitles

Hey, do you want the rest of my--?

Okay.

Actually, I was gonna say eggs. Okay.

You know, it's not you versus your cholesterol pills.

You're supposed to be working together.

I do love my single life

but it would be nice to have someone

who didn't want me to die.

Well, you do, a whole city full of escorts.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just saying if you watch the beginning closely

it gives away the ending. Oh, my God.

Is he still talking about Inception?

No, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

They play the song at the beginning

and it gives away the ending.

Like if at the beginning is Sixth Sense

they had a song that went:

* Bruce Willis helps a kid Who sees ghosts *

* But he's the only one Who's really dead *

I'm just here to grab some food and go.

I'm taking a bus to New Jersey.

To take the family Christmas picture.

Oh, is Adam going?

No. My mom wants family only.

And I found the perfect sweater, but whatever...

Oh, wait.

You're gonna miss the office Christmas party.

Oh, guess I'll have to wait to find out

if it was a candy cane in your pocket

or you were just happy to see her.

Spoiler alert, it was both.

All right, I'll see you. Bye.

Oh, I can't wait to exchange Christmas presents.

I have the best gift for her.

I made her this coupon book full of little favors, you know,

like, um, with hugs and massages and cuddles.

Cuddles. You gotta be kidding me.

Here's a peek into our home life.

Oh, I have the greatest present for Jen too.

Uh, no, that's a candy cane.

Excuse me. Could I get honey for my tea?

Throat's a little sore. Yeah.

Audrey and I went to a party last night

and as usual she did the lion's share of talking.

That's because all you ever say is "nice to see you"

and "where's the bar?"

I really only care about the second thing.

Anyway, that's why at parties, I have to carry us as a couple.

Good thing I'm the funny one.

You're the funny one? You knew that.

I don't think anyone knew that.

Audrey, I think you're funny. Thank you.

Remember that time she wore that gray coat

and it was like so ridiculous with the straps everywhere.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that was hilarious.

And Jeff said she looked like a Civil War general.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Jackets like that are in.

In 1863.

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT] "My dearest Annabel,

"the war rages on

"but I must thank you for the fine garments

you procure."

[LAUGHS]

Actually, Audrey is the butt of those jokes

so you would be the butt of the couple.

Mm-mm.

See, I don't have to resort to cheap shots and insults.

Last night, I got a great reaction

when I told that story about our trip to Oahu.

I think it's pronounced Ohio.

Um, it's in Hawaii.

[LAUGHS] Jeez.

Somebody get her a map.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MAY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[**]

Timmy, it's gonna be a very Merry Christmas.

Or whatever creepy pagan ritual you observe.

What accounts for your anticipation of said merriment?

I accidentally stumbled upon

Adam's homemade Christmas coupons for Jen.

You mean went into his office and stole.

Stumbled upon, yes.

Oh, He's certainly liberal with the glitter, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

But I figure, why restrict Adam's generosity to Jen

when the joy could be spread to so many?

I mean, who wouldn't want a back rub from Adam?

Or who wouldn't want a shampooing from Adam?

Hey, who's that white kid in shipping

with the nasty dreads with the bugs in them?

That would be Nate.

Nate. Ah, good old Nate.

What's wrong? I'm having fun at someone's expense

and it's not yours.

You should be enjoying this.

I suppose I'm still wistful about my breakup with Allison.

Long-distance relationships are just too difficult--

To listen to. Yeah.

You know what? I think the Christmas party

is the perfect thing to cheer you up.

I'm not sure, I'm in the mood for a party.

Oh, come on, let's put Allison behind you

and some other bimbo under you.

Perhaps it is time for me to move on.

I guess I won't meet anybody new just sitting at home.

I wanna help you out.

How about I make you official party greeter?

Oh, I'd be honored, sir.

Yeah. And I'm sorry about you and Allison.

Would a hug help?

You know, it just might. Oh, here you go, buddy.

[**]

Wow, your company really stepped it up this year.

I'll reserve judgment until I see the size of the shrimp.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

Hey, Jeff. Oh, hey, nice to see you.

Where's the bar?

It's right over there.

You remember Dan and his girlfriend Barbara?

Hi. Actually, it's fiancée.

Dan and his girlfriend fiancée. That's lovely.

No, her name is Barbara. We just got engaged.

Oh, well, that makes sense. Congratulations.

Thank you. Hey, little advice.

On the road to marriage,

don't be afraid to drive drunk.

[ALL LAUGH]

And if you are gonna follow his roadmap,

don't get lost

because he's not gonna ask for directions.

Why would I ask for directions if, uh, we have a roadmap?

Uh, no, that's why it's funny.

You know, because guys don't ask for directions.

Dan does.

Okay. But that's unusual.

Especially now that everybody's got GPS.

[BOTH LAUGH]

GPS.

That wasn't even a joke.

He was just stating the facts.

Must be the way he said it. [BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, what are you doing? What do you mean?

Wait, are you trying to prove that you're the funny one?

No. Because if you are, I'll run home

and grab that Civil War jacket for you.

They're very in.

[**]

Come out, Timmy.

TIMMY: Mr. Dunbar?

When I agreed to be the party greeter,

I did not agree to this.

Come on, chicks dig a man in uniform.

Yeah. [DOOR OPENS]

[LAUGHS]

Whoa.

Okay, don we now our gay apparel. I finally get that.

That's your way of encouraging me to stay in this outfit?

No, my way of encouraging you to stay in the outfit

was throwing your clothes down the garbage chute.

Come on, let's hit the par-tay.

No, sir. [WHISTLES]

I'm leaving here with what's left of my dignity.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Oh, no, he's got little bells on his shoes.

[LAUGHING] It's too good.

[BELLS JINGLING]

I see what you're trying to do.

You're trying to humiliate me for your own amusement.

But you know what? I am not going to give you

the satisfaction.

I'm staying. Oh, that'll show me.

I'll show you,

by wearing this ensemble with pride.

I don't know if using the word "ensemble"

is helping your cause.

Go ahead, sir. Mock away.

Well, I'm trying. Stop interrupting.

You're going to be the one who's disappointed

when people rally around my costume

and appreciate its holiday spirit--

Okay. Ladies, welcome.

As your official greeter,

please allow me to point out that the bar

and light hors d'oeuvres are that way.

Thanks. Hey, which way to the guys with pants?

[CHUCKLES]

Aw, and they didn't even hear you walk.

[BELLS JINGLING]

[**]

Oh, Adam.

Thanks so much for the gift.

Gift. Uh, what gift is that?

One of your special super-squeeze, hugs.

Wait a minute. Where'd you get that?

It was in my Christmas stocking.

Okay, um....

Look, Evelyn, there's been a bit of a misunderstanding,

That coupon wasn't meant for you.

Oh, that's too bad.

I've had kind of a rough week

with the subway incident and all.

I could have really used a hug.

Wait.

I am a man of my word.

Get over here, you.

[SIGHS]

Feel better?

The coupon says two full minutes.

That's why you work in legal.

Oh, hey, there you are.

Wish I could've found you sooner but you know guys...

we don't ask for directions.

Shut up. Stupid Dan and his dumb fiancée.

How could they not know about that?

I don't know. Maybe they're not hip

to the stand-up comedy themes of the '80s.

You know what I should do.

Try to relax and have fun?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Yeah.

No, I'm gonna bust out my Hawaii story

and you are gonna set me up.

So start talking about islands or vacations.

Oh, there's pineapple on the buffet.

I don't need you.

Why has it become a big deal all of a sudden

for you to be the funny one? Who said it's a big deal?

I saw you making notes on a napkin over there.

Maybe because I'm not working. I'm self-conscious about that.

You don't have to be self-conscious about anything.

You're charming. You're beautiful.

Oh, that's sweet.

And I know you mean it because that's the first drink.

[CHUCKLES]

Second?

We've been here like eight minutes.

Time for a refill.

My grandmother had a heart attack

right on Waikiki beach,

so we had to drop everything and fly there.

Straight from the airport to the morgue.

Not exactly a dream trip to Hawaii.

Excuse me.

I couldn't help but overhearing. Did someone just say Hawaii?

[**]

You know, the last time I saw legs like that

they were curled up under Dorothy's house.

Good one, sir.

Now, if you'll please excuse me,

I have more good cheer to spread.

By letting everyone make fun of you?

Here, I'll help. Check this out.

These days, even the North Pole is outsourcing.

He's Indian. Keep walking.

[LAUGHS] [BELLS JINGLING]

Hey, are we hearing these bells, people?

So originally, the coupons were for my fiancée

then Russell,

who shall remain nameless, gave them out.

You know what? I'm rolling with it.

How's the pressure, Vic?

You can go a little deeper.

So day five, still no luggage. Finally, we go to check out.

What do we see at the bell desk? Our bags.

Which had been there the entire time.

I mean, can you imagine a worse trip to Hawaii?

Hawaii story?

Wish I could say I was surprised.

Okay. There you go, Pearl.

You should get that bunion checked out.

It's a little angry.

Uh, aren't you forgetting something?

Merry Christmas.

I can't believe you're actually doing this stuff.

A little awkward at first, but I'm brightening their day

which makes my Christmas even better.

Better? It's supposed to be worse.

Well, I'm sorry, but your little prank backfired.

Plus, I can still give the coupons to Jen

now that I got them all back.

Ah, nertz. Yep.

Wait a minute. They're not all here.

Hey, Adam. Oh, hey, Scotty.

I'd like to cash this in. Oh.

Oh.

Hey, hey, how about a little foot rub

or maybe a nice back massage instead?

I want that one.

Okay, Scotty. Let's do this.

[**]

You okay? Uh, well...

I just told what I thought was a funny story

and it made a woman cry.

Was it the "asking for directions" thing

because I don't really get it.

But it didn't make me cry.

Maybe Jeff's right.

He thinks I try too hard at parties.

Look how hard he's working the buffet.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.

Look at the poor guy stuck behind him.

Get that guy a magazine. It's gonna be a while, pal.

[BARBARA CHUCKLES]

He looks like a whale scooping up plankton.

That's hilarious.

It is? What's so funny?

Audrey's talking about Jeff.

He looks like a bear with a tapeworm.

[BOTH LAUGHING] Tapeworm.

[LAUGHING]

AUDREY: Now, check it out. Now he's stuck behind someone.

Watch him pull the old tap and slide.

Tap and slide.

[BARBARA AND DAN LAUGHING]

[**]

[ALL LAUGHING]

So after dinner, there's Jeff passed out at the table,

hands down his pants.

All in all, not a great first Thanksgiving

with my parents.

Oh, here he comes. I bet he asks

the location of a food item.

Hey, Aud, did you see where the stuffed-mushroom guy went?

[ALL LAUGHING]

It's a gift.

Anyway, it looked like you were doing great.

I was. Felt pretty good.

And couldn't have done it without you.

So you learned from the master.

You were definitely my inspiration.

Let's go.

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right. Thank you.

You know, I can't believe they make you wear this getup.

Nobody made me. I wore this myself.

Why would you do that?

Because it's Christmas and if you can't have fun

and loosen up on Christmas, when can you?

Ah.

Hey, speaking of loosening up--

I have no interest in hearing how that sentence ends.

Come on, can't you let a guy try?

Sorry, you're not really my type.

Really? What's your type?

Someone who embraces the joy of the holidays.

Someone who gets into the fun and the spirit of Christmas.

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Christmas nertz.

Oh, nothing on the coupon about that, Scotty.

[**]

You know what is not good?

Diner Eggnog

Really? Let me try it. Get your own.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Oh, here it is.

My mom sent me our family Christmas photo.

Oh, well, wait.

I thought Adam wasn't gonna be in it.

Oh, that's my cousin Cynthia.

Something's going on with her hormone-wise.

[RUSSELL GROANS]

Oh, what's the matter?

Ghost of Christmas Future come bearing test results?

Can we skip the pleasantries?

What's your problem?

My problem is I tried to ruin

all my friends' Christmases and they had fun anyway.

What's the matter with you?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

You're sad because you weren't able to ruin

Christmas for other people.

I am. But maybe you're right.

Maybe that's not what Christmas is all about.

Maybe, you think maybe it might not be about that?

Why are you so against people enjoying Christmas?

Because I never did.

When I was a kid, every December,

my parents went to the Bahamas

and left me at home with my nanny Helga.

Oh, poor Helga.

You're trying to make others feel awful

because misery loves company.

See, Jeff agrees with and approves of my behavior.

But maybe I should try to change my holiday spirit.

You should. I wasn't really

looking forward to the holidays this year.

But it looks like it's gonna be a Merry Christmas after all.

RUSSELL: Oh, my God.

I unscrewed that last night!

It's a Christmas miracle.

God bless us all, everyone.

[**]

Okay. So I know it's not Christmas yet

but I wanna give you your present now.

Oh, it's so cute.

[GASPS]

Oh, cuddles. Yep.

Massage. Mm-hm.

Breakfast in bed.

Oh, my gosh. And these are all actually gifts for me.

None of them is really a gift for you.

Well, there is one in there that's kind of a gift for me.

I don't see it. Huh?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, come on, Scotty.

I'll be right back.

What, you have to talk to that guy?

Talk?

I wish.

[**]

[**]