All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E11.Refusing.to.Budget.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

I'll have scrambled eggs,
side of sausages.

Western omelet,
please.

You know what? Surprise me.

What am I some kind of
birthday party clown?

Come on. It'll be fun.

Okay.

Surprise.

[CHUCKLING]

Hey, who saw Gossip Girl
last night?

Best episode ever.

Didn't you think it was weird
how it cut out in the middle?

Oh, it'd be great if that could
happen to this conversation.

No, it didn't cut out.
It ended with Dan deciding

that he was going to
settle down and be a father

to Georgina Sparks' baby.

OMG, that's major.

I know, right?

I'm sorry, am I at
a slumber party?

Seriously, can we guy up

the verbal badminton
s'il vous plait?

I don't know what happened.
On my TV, it went to static.

So my guess is they
disconnected your service.

I've tried to tell Mr. Dunbar

now that his mother
has cut him off

he has to become responsible
and pay his own bills.

But, uh, he remains mired

in a level of denial
not to be believed.

Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

Mr. Dunbar, I'm going to
go to the office right now

and draw up a budget for you.
We'll go over it later.

Oh, yay, I get to crunch
numbers with H&R blecch.

They all said
come to America.

Hey, what's with
this getup?

I'm on my way uptown
to start my new job.

Uh, it may be new to you,
but technically

it's the world's oldest
profession.

[LAUGHING]

He said you're a shepherd.

I'm hostessing over
at Amy Beth's kitchen.

Figured it would be
a fun thing to do

while I figure out
what's next for me.

Oh, hey, did you ask them?
No, no, I did not ask them

what they do with the leftover
muffins at the end of the day.

Was there not a point during
the interview when they said,

do you have any questions?

But honestly,
why be a hostess?

I mean, you went
to a real college

not one of those
pretend schools that are online.

No offense.

None taken.
That was a tough six years.

Being hostess is
an honest day's work.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

They bake more
than they can sell.

That's just...
That's just business 101.

I was defined by my job
at that magazine.

I mean, it was
my whole identity.

You worked at a magazine?

I thought it was
furniture store.

Yeah.

Thank you, caring friends.

No, at my old job I was
stuck in my office all day.

I'm not sure where I'm gonna
end up but in the meantime

I wanna be out among people

because I'm a real
people person.

Heh, right. Okay.
Ha-ha-ha.

I am.

Right?

They can't just
throw them away.

Oh, enough with the muffins.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

And then in the fourth grade,
I went as a Power Ranger

and that was the year
that I got the most candy

because there were
a lot of Power Rangers

so I hit the same houses,
like, two, three times.

The people didn't even notice.

So that was pretty tight.

Talk less.

Oh, sorry.
I'm just being sociable.

Tell you what, you're the
understudy for the TV.

If something happens to it,
you're on.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ugh.

Hi, hon.

Okay.

What was that?

Ugh, that's what I refer to
as the nothing call.

Audrey calls me to tell me
that she's almost home.

Like I won't piece it together
when she walks through the door.

I swear, one of these days,
I'm just gonna say,

"Why the hell
are you telling me that?"

That sounds annoying.
Oh, it is.

But it's, you know, all part
of the deal. What's, uh...?

What's Jen's
most annoying habit?

Oh, no, she doesn't have any.
She's the best.

I don't believe you.
Well, there's this one thing,

um, she's a knuckle cracker.
Hmm.

In bed, I'll be relaxing,
on the verge of falling asleep

and all of a sudden it's, like,
crack, crack, pop, pop.

And I wanna say
something to her

but I'm just afraid
to hurt her feelings.

You never confront head-on.
Just get defensive.

So what do you do?
You ask her

if there's anything about you
that she'd wanna change.

She'll tell you
something that bugs her

and you say that
you'll work on it.

And then, inevitably,
she'll say,

"What would you
change about me?"

Ah, so she brings it
on herself. Nice.

Yeah. I'm not new to this.

Anyway, you say, uh, "Well,
if I had to pick something,

it'd be the knuckle cracking."
That really works?

It's worked on all Audrey's
bad habits.

Eh.

Except for that one.

Which one is that?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey.

Super.

Thanks for letting me know.

Hey, I'm home.

[***]

Okay, so you lead the guests
over to their table

and you say, "Enjoy your meal."
Oh, no.

It is a lot to remember.
I'll get you a pen.

No, no, no. That woman.
I went to college with her.

I can't let her
see me working here.

Why not?

You know, it's kind of
humiliating.

No, not for you.
You're fine.

It's just we were
really competitive.

And I had kind of an
important job before this.

So now my job's not important.
No, okay, fine,

you're Hillary freaking Clinton,
okay. Just cover for me.

Audrey. Heh.
Oh.

How are you?
Oh, Stephanie.

Oh, I thought that was you.
So what are you up to?

Oh, you know,
just getting my brunch on.

Um, uh, Audrey,
party of two.

Where's the other person?
She's on her way.

Whoa, attitude.

Whatever. She's a hostess.

Uh, so what are you
doing these days?

Actually,
I just got promoted.

I run the mentor program at NYU.
Oh, wow.

Yeah, it's kind of
a big deal.

What about you? Are you
still with the magazine?

Yes, I am. Kind of
an even bigger deal, heh.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's your nametag, Audrey.

I have a young woman
in the program

who majored
in journalism.

Would you be up for
mentoring her?

Well, sure.

I hope she's smart.
I have a lot to offer.

So you said that you're still
working at the magazine?

[CHUCKLES]

What happened to, "There's no
shame in being a hostess"?

There isn't.
It's just...

In the time it would have
taken to explain--

"I quit. I'm a hostess now,"
1.4 seconds.

It's easy for you to just
sit there and take shots.

That's why I'm doing it.

All right, so, uh,
what's the plan, Lucy?

You gonna get Ethel
to dress up as your boss?

I'm having Julia meet me
in the lobby of my old building.

Why?
It's what Stephanie wanted.

I'll make it look like
I came down from my office

and I'll take her
straight to lunch.

Take her to Amy Beth's.

Give her the full tour
of places you no longer work.

Very funny.

Don't worry,
I have this all figured out.

I'm gonna teach her
everything I know

and she'll be
none the wiser.

[***]

Well, well, well.

This place is crawling
with wiener candy.

Nothing off-putting
about that, sir.

I'm not sure you've chosen
the best venue in which

to discuss this but I've
outlined a very basic budget.

Ugh. Speaking of which,
I bet this chick in the red

could budge it
without even touching it

if you know what I mean.

I often long
for the simpler time

when I didn't know
what you meant.

Barkeep, can I get
a glass of champagne

for every chick in the bar
under 110 pounds, heh?

Sir, do you really
think that's wise?

Oh, you're right.

Let's make it 115.
Don't want to offend.

Heh.

But back to your finances.
Yes. Here we go.

This is what you spend
in an average night

buying women cocktails.
[GIGGLING]

You just said--
Cocktails. Yes.

I know that word
can be broken down

with hilarious consequences.

Now, please, sir, focus on--
Excuse me.

Hi, I just wanted to
thank you for the champagne.

Oh, you're very welcome.
I'm Cheyenne.

Oh, Shy-Anne.
Well, I'm Suave Russell.

Ha-ha-ha.
That's cute.

Heh.
No, I was born in Wyoming.

Oh, so you're a mountain girl.
Oh, I am.

Well, let's
start mounting, girl.

Really?

That's funny. Do you wanna
come join me at my table?

Really?
RUSSELL: Heh-heh.

I'd love to.

Coming next fall
on The Skankiest Catch.

[***]

I mean, they call it
Sports Illustrated for Kids.

This is every bit as
informative as the other one.

That's great, honey.

Apolo Ohno
has a cat named Icy.

I mean, that's just
good reporting.

[CRACKING]

Hey, sweetie,
I was wondering,

if you could change one thing
about me what would it be?

Nothing, honey.
You're perfect.

Oh, no, no, come on.
Come on, honey.

There's gotta be something.

Hmm.

If I had to pick one thing,

Yeah?
you can be a tiny bit chatty.

Okay.

Okay. No, that's great.
I will work on that.

Well, might there be something
that you wanna ask me?

Yeah, why are you so chatty?

What?

Well, it's like,
I wake up to you talking.

All morning, then all day,
then at night.

You know, watching TV,
having dinner. Even during sex.

And it's not even about the sex.

It's just random babble,
talk, talk, talk.

I mean, you have this need
to fill the air with noise.

I have literally gone outside

sometimes
for some peace and quiet

and we live in the
busiest city in the world.

Wow. I guess I didn't realize
how much that bothered me.

Yeah.

Thanks for letting me
get it off my chest.

Good night, honey.

[***]

So ultimately,
what I learned was,

when you buy a used jet,
get a receipt.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh, I have to use
the little girls' room.

Oh, well, wait a second.

Here, give this
to the attendant.

Oh, they don't have one here.

Oh, well,
just to be clear, I'm rich.

Heh. Okay. Heh.
All right.

I finally get it now.

It's all about your lack of
self-esteem, isn't it?

What is?
Your compulsion to try

to win women with lies
and extravagance.

If you had something real
to offer, you wouldn't need

to hide behind the expensive
food and fancy drinks.

Oh, really?

I'm not hiding
behind anything.

[SIGHS]

RUSSELL:
Who asked for
your dumb opinion anyway?

Timmy?

Timmy?

[***]

[***]

RUSSELL:
Ah.

All right. Here we go.
Ah.

It's very dark.

Let me get the lights.

Crap. Hey, you know what,
this is more romantic anyway.

Why don't you have a seat?
Okay, heh.

[THUDS THEN RUSSELL GROANS]

Are you okay?

Just took a corner of a table
in the nards. No biggie.

I'm just slumming it here

until my entire floor
at the Dakota is redone.

I talked to Yoko.

She said her and John did it.
Took six months.

But we're going on a year here.
I mean, what's up?

Who are John and Yoko?

Oh, I have no idea.
I'm too young.

So why don't you just go
stay on your yacht?

It's in the yacht shop.

And they were gonna give me a
loaner but it doesn't have GPS.

I don't want to get lost

and wind up
on Gilligan's Island, heh.

What's that?
Don't ask me. I'm too young.

Mm. Yeah.

There we go. Ah.

Why doesn't this lamp work?

Oh, no, you know what,
it must be a blackout.

Quick, let's see
if the bed still works.

All the other buildings
are lit up, heh.

What's going on, Russell? Do you
not have electricity, heh?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Got a confession to make,
uh...

I am Amish.

Art thou shocked?

Art thou serious?

How dumb do you think I am?

Not as dumb as I was hoping.

All right,
here's the thing.

Uh, my trust fund was cut off.

And I have not yet learned
how to fend for myself.

But I'm sure you'll stand by me
while I learn

because you and I,
I feel, have a real connection.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[***]

Hey, Jeff.
I'm in the lobby.

The girl's not here yet
but so far, so good.

Thanks. I need to know where you
are every second of every day.

Where are you, anyway?

Well, your other
old workplace.

They put out a fine product.
Oh, excuse me.

Who do I talk to
about day-old muffins?

Are you Julia?

Audrey.
Hi.

I just came down in the elevator
from a high-level meeting.

Wow.

It's very nice to meet you.
Oh, you too.

Hmm, I have a lot to offer.

Great. I wanna
learn everything.

And learn, you shall.

I have a hankering for
a Cobb salad. What do you say?

Oh, yeah.
That sounds really great.

But if it's not
too much trouble

I was really hoping I'd get
to see your office first.

Oh, uh, uh...

It's being fumigated.

Oh.
Bugs.

Bedbugs.

Angry little ones.

[***]

And what can I get you?

Oh, I'm good.
Day-old. Half price.

How's your sandwich?

So I call you chatty and
now you're not gonna talk?

I wouldn't have
said anything if I knew--

Why--? Why are you
trying to fix this?

Scooch.

You were right, Timmy.

Poor guys don't
get the hoo-hah.

Not even close
to what I said, sir.

I was simply telling you

not to pretend to be something
other than yourself.

Yeah, like tall
or STD-free.

Sir, you needn't wallow.
It's not as if you're penniless.

All you need to do is be
responsible and pay your bills.

I would like my gas
turned back on.

So I can stick my head
in the oven.

[***]

Oh, my God, it's Gina Black.
Oh, crap.

She publishes your magazine
and so many others.

Do you think there's a chance
I could meet her?

She's very busy but
I will tell her you say hi.

Now, about that Cobb salad.
Miss Black?

Oh, jeez, what
are you doing? Shut up.

Can I help you?
AUDREY: Hi, Gina.

This is Julia.
I'm mentoring her. Heh.

And you are?
Audrey Bingham.

I was assistant editor
of Indoor Living.

Was?
Is. Am.

Did you just start?
No, I've worked here for years.

Last fall I pitched the whole
Ottoman Empire spread.

Did we use it?

It was the freaking cover.

I busted my ass
on that issue

and you don't even
remember if we used it?

That's how little I meant?

Oh, I know who you are.
Thank you.

You're the one
who stole the chair.

That was my chair.

And you know something,
I am glad I quit.

You don't work here?

You're just putting that
together now, genius?

Well, then, why did
you volunteer--

Because I have
a lot to offer.

Hey, it's me. I'll be home
in a few minutes.

Because you're my husband and I
thought you might be interested.

[***]

Ah, there you go.

Sade and merlot, oh.

Perhaps I should have been
a bit clearer, sir.

This is merely a work visit.

Good one. Straight from
the Calcutta chuckle hut.

So, uh, what do we do?
Well, uh, where are your bills?

I keep them over here.

I couldn't be
less surprised.

All right, well, uh,

why don't you, uh,
reach in there and pick one.

What's that one for?

Ahem. Well,
this one is, uh...

Huh.

This isn't a bill at all,
sir, um...

It's a dividend check from
stocks still in your name.

What?

Your mother must
have overlooked them.

Heh, really?
Yes, and fortuitously so.

With this influx of funds,

you'll be able
to pay off these bills

and still have a little left
over for a rainy day.

Or...

Yeah!
[ALL CHEERING & APPLAUDING]

Woo-hoo!

I'm rich again, I love it!

I implore you to--
Timmy!

Have some fun.

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

[***]

I mean, "chatty"?
I just like to talk.

Things occur to me
and I wanna share them.

What am I supposed
to e-mail her?

I really don't think I talk
any more than the next guy.

What kind of beer is this?
It's good.

Hmm.

My Uncle Roddy
has six toes.

You stop cracking your knuckles
and this one will shut up.

[***]

[***]