Original subtitles

[***]

Ah.

What are you doing in my office?

I dropped a gift on your desk, sir.

You're like the fourth assistant to do that.

And you wrapped it? Well, there's a new twist.

Sir, while the thought had crossed my mind,

this gift was sent by your mother.

Oh, it was? Oh, she's coming to town, yay.

I was surprised you had a mother.

I didn't imagine you coming from human flesh.

Yeah, well, she is more plastic than flesh now, heh.

Hmm?

A book, that sucks.

Aah, a paintball gun. Yeah, boy.

I like this one. I need something to shoot.

Ooh. Puts this on your head.

Sir, just how stupid do you think I am?

What's up, guys?

Mr. Rhodes, would you please place this on your head?

Can do.

[GUNFIRE]

[CHUCKLES]

He totally missed the book.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side There is no denying *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

All right, babe, have fun.

Jen says hey from Philadelphia.

She gets cell phone reception in the Eagles' locker room?

Funny. She's visiting college friends.

Jen went to college in the Eagles' locker room?

Another good one. Heh.

You guys ready for my big guys' night?

Oh, sorry, other plans.

Yeah, same here. No, but I've got three dips.

And one's got seven layers, that's like 10 dips.

Look, I don't know how to say this,

but your guys' night's gonna blow.

You did know how to say it.

Okay, you know, you guys are dis-invited.

I don't need you. Oh.

Who are you gonna have?

Who? Who am I not gonna have?

My place is gonna be wall to wall dudes

and you two are gonna miss it.

Ahem. All right, so, what do you think?

You look like Barney with boobs.

We're interviewing possible surrogate candidates.

And we're gonna find one. We're gonna get this started.

Yup, by the end of the day,

we may know who's going to carry our child.

Oh, and there's more big news.

My softball banquet is tonight.

Right, which is equally important.

The MVP vote is tonight, it's between me and Brenda.

Brenda? How can a girl be that good, it's softball?

She's a lesbian.

When we're interviewing surrogates

could you try to think before you talk?

Fine. All I know is, at that banquet,

that lesbian is going down.

[***]

Oh, yo-yo! Timmy Limmy Ding Dong!

You get my message about guys' night?

A little pizza, booze, staying up till question mark.

Sounds like a rowdy good time.

Right on. Oh.

Although I'm taking antibiotics, so I shan't drink.

I have an early morning so I should turn in by ten.

All right, question mark equals ten.

Hello.

Hello, you must be Mrs. Dunbar.

This is Bunny Dunbar.

I would like an appointment at your salon later today.

Hi, Mom. I'm glad you-- Which services?

All of them, of course.

Everything you've got, just do, do, do it to me.

Oh, great. Thank you so much, bye.

Ah, Rusty.

Mommy, heh.

Ah, don't touch.

And you must be...

um, Russ's Sherpa.

My name is Timir. Oh.

But call me Timmy. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh, please, Mrs. Dunbar is my ex-mother-in-law

who incidentally, I wish was dead.

My grandma. Oh, heh.

Call me Bunny.

All right. Bunny. Heh.

Oh, I just love your accent.

Is it British with a touch of South African?

Am I right?

No, Timmy's from-- Yes, you're exactly right.

Uh-huh, you learn something new every day.

Yes, every day for the last two years.

Anyway, Mom, so maybe today, lunch?

A movie? Mother-son portrait sitting?

BUNNY: Oh, ha, ha.

Darling, I'm so sorry,

but I'm booked the rest of the day.

Then tomorrow I'm flying to London.

But I am guessing

that you had a birthday this year.

I did. Heh, I knew it.

I popped by to give you this. Ah!

Ooh la la, heh. BUNNY: Heh.

Wonder what it is. Sounds expensive.

Well, yeah, but you deserve it. Based on?

Rusty, your little friend is so charming.

I'd love him to join us for dinner tonight.

I would be absolutely honored. Oh, splendid.

And now I have to go.

I have to have a young Brazilian man

tend to my every need.

And then I'm going to the spa.

I'm laughing because it's uncomfortable.

[CHUCKLES]

Ciao, boys. Ciao.

[***]

And Vince cut the cord

and the doctor handed the baby to Teresa

and even though I was only the surrogate,

I burst into tears.

Oh, that sounds so perfect and wonderful.

Yeah, it's all real solid.

If this works out, I'll be getting into the city more,

so I can catch some Yankees games.

You're a Yankees fan.

Uh, Jeff's a Mets fan.

But baseball should have no bearing

on what we're doing here, heh. Heh.

Of course not.

What difference should it make

that your team buys the pennant every year.

Jeff.

The Yankees develop their own talent.

Jeter, Posada, Rivera. All home grown.

Uh, you're smoking some home grown.

You're done talking.

Should we call the agency? WOMAN: Tsk.

Maybe October's a good time

since Jeff won't have baseball to watch.

[LAUGHS]

This isn't gonna work. WOMAN: Ahem.

Sorry, he blew it. Same way the Mets always do.

We'll see next year.

We'll see.

She's not wrong.

Until the Mets get another bat and some middle relief,

they're not going anywhere.

[***]

What was your mother's belated birthday gift?

A money clip.

I won't say how much she gave me,

but every bill has a picture of President Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin was not president.

Heh, not of your country.

Because you had the starving dude

with the glasses and the diaper.

Gandhi certainly had that coming.

Ha, ha, ha. Well, I shouldn't flaunt my gifts.

I mean, you had it tough growing up.

What was your Christmas present?

You get to ride the goat before everyone ate it?

We didn't celebrate Christmas, sir.

You didn't even get to ride the goat.

All you got for your birthday

was a phone call from your mom in India.

What phone call?

Your mom called a couple of months ago.

You were getting me a bagel or something.

Why on Earth didn't you say something?

I know I didn't, but I will now.

Watch the personal calls at work.

My mother gave me the greatest gifts of all.

Love, support,and quality time.

Yeah, poor people presents.

Sir, all this stuff your mother gives you

is merely a sad replacement for any of those things.

It's not all stuff.

He said, fondling his wad of 100s.

How about she's taking me to dinner tonight?

How about that quality time for you?

Very well.

If you do decide to give it a thought,

you'll realize there's truth to what I'm saying.

[SCOFFS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Give it some thought, ugh.

[***]

AUDREY: It was so nice to meet you

and I am glad you don't care about baseball.

Alrighty then, heh.

Well, I guess we'll be talking soon.

Yeah. I hope so.

Uh, I guess if this works out,

we'll shift our timetable. Why?

We'll have to wait for you to give birth to that one.

Oh, my God.

[SIGHS]

I guess she had somewhere to go, but I like our chances.

[***]

Oh, Mr. Rhodes, your pizza arrived.

Ah. Sweet.

I'm having a big guys' night.

Oh, got friends coming over?

Well, a lot of solid maybes. You want in?

I'm working. Hence the outfit.

Hey, come up when your shift is over.

Oh, let's call that another solid maybe.

We're gonna be crushing it on the late tip.

I don't know what that means.

[ELEVATOR SPUTTERS]

ADAM: Frank?

The elevator seems to have stopped.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Frankie!

[***]

So how is everyone's food? Mm.

Were it legal for a man to marry a plate of paella,

I would take this to city hall post haste.

Heh, marrying food must be legal.

Rusty's father is married to a tart.

Okay, I think she's referring to my stepmom,

who is several years my junior.

Who unlike some people, called me on my birthday.

Darling, you know your birthday is very hard for me.

It reminds me that time does not stand still

even though the muscles of my face do.

Mummy's very upset right now.

My goodness, I would not want to play poker against you.

Oh, no, sorry. Have I offended you?

Not at all. I'm laughing.

Rusty, I know this is hard for you,

but in my own defense,

I've always missed your birthday.

Well, that's true. But I think the hurt

has finally caught up to me now that I'm 35.

Thirty-five, please.

Well, he is 35.

I mean, I had him when I was 17, and now I'm 52.

Yes, well, I guess that makes me seven.

Well, Rusty, I'm here now,

and I know what to do to make it up to you.

You do? Yes.

Here.

Oh, another gift.

I thought it might be something more.

It was very expensive. Wait until you see it.

Ah. A very expensive watch. Yes.

And I had three links removed

so it would fit my Rusty's wrist perfectly.

It's five links, Mom.

It's always been five links.

How can you not know that?

It doesn't hug my wrist and it does not hug my heart.

BUNNY: Stop. Where are you going?

[***]

Oh, no.

I left my phone at home and Abby's supposed to call.

Abby? Our last surrogate candidate.

Right, right. Uh, don't worry about it.

She's got my number,

when she gets your voice mail, she'll call.

Okay. I'm counting on you.

Hey, Audrey. Oh, hey, Brenda.

I see you let Jeff out of his cage tonight.

What's up, you gorilla? Nothing much, carrot top.

Look who has a light beer. Why don't you grow a pair?

I could borrow yours, except they're in Audrey's purse.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, the reason I am drinking light beer,

is I don't wanna end up with a body like yours.

The last chick you dated had a body exactly like mine.

Uh-uh.

She was only rocking "B" cups.

[CHUCKLES]

Wow. I didn't think it was possible,

but you two are actually classing this place down.

Um, I gotta go make sure that Sully

has the correct spelling of my name for the trophy.

Okay. It's probably written in your underwear, right?

[AUDREY AND BRENDA CHUCKLE]

I get why you went the other way.

Yeah, and Jeff's always there

to remind me of what I'm not missing.

Tell me about it. We have been trying to find a surrogate

and he is dragging his feet the whole way.

Why? I don't know.

There's gotta be something going on with him.

Hey, um, just out of curiosity,

what is the, uh, process for joining up with your side?

Oh, God. We would love to have you.

Plus, I could really use the commission.

[AUDREY AND BRENDA CHUCKLE]

[***]

ADAM: How's it going out there?

Mm, Hector the repairman's on his way.

ADAM: Right on. Yeah, the more the merrier.

Heh, are you implying that this is your guys' night

and you're counting the repairman and me

as attendees?

ADAM: Is that all right?

Yeah, that's all right.

Also pretty sad.

[DOOR OPENS] Hey, hola, Hector.

ADAM: Oh, there he is. That guy, he's the guy.

Cold one coming your way, Hector.

Oh, no worries, man. Let's try it again.

Heads up, Hector.

Guys, we're out of beer.

[***]

And another one for Brenda.

[CROWD CHEERS] Boo!

Abby hasn't called yet. Let me see your phone.

Jeff, you missed six calls. Oh, damn it.

I was about to take it off silent.

Perfect. And voice mail.

I swear, I'm gonna punch you in the neck.

Ahem, hi, Abby, it's Audrey.

Listen, if you haven't left town yet,

could you call Jeff's phone again? Thank you.

I'm sorry.

And one more for Brenda.

Well, looks like the vote is a tie.

A tie?

That's what's important here, that stupid softball trophy.

Hey, Audrey played in a game. Yeah, she should get a vote.

Okay, Audrey, we need you to decide who wins.

Congratulations. Oh.

No. No, I haven't decided yet.

I know how much this trophy means to Jeff.

Recently he's been thoughtless and selfish

and I can barely look at him right now.

But being the bigger person,

I vote for Jeff.

Yeah! Whoo! Yes!

Yeah, look at this baby. I love it.

[***]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

Rusty?

Hey, Mom. What'd you bring me this time?

Oh, Rusty,

I'm really sorry I haven't been there for you

in the way that you wanted me to be.

Timmy and I have had a good long talk about it.

Timmy? Yes, sir. Your mother insisted

I enlighten her why you're so upset.

Yeah, some of it has hit me pretty hard.

Somebody had to start the dialogue

to let the healing begin.

That was me. I did that.

Timmy has made me realize

I haven't been much of a mother to you.

[SIGHS]

Well, I barely saw you after you won the custody battle

and I had to stay with dad.

I know I can't change the past.

But I'm finally gonna give you the gift

that I should have given you a long time ago.

A pony?

Is there a pony in the hallway? BUNNY: No.

No, I am going to give you

the gift of self-reliance and independence.

No more trust fund.

Wait, that's not what I suggested.

No more free apartment.

No more my business manager paying all the bills.

You're finally gonna become a real man.

With a pony?

It's time to grow up, Rusty.

I don't want to.

Oh, it's for the best.

I love you, son.

And let's have breakfast tomorrow before I leave.

I'd like that.

Bye.

Hmm.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Just not in the face, sir.

[GUNFIRE]

TIMMY: Oh! Nor the genitals.

[***]

Hey. Jeff, Sully just threw up on my sandal.

I'm gonna rinse it off, then I'd like to leave.

Yeah, but then-- I'm okay missing the slide show.

Oh. you can watch it online later.

I'm not gonna watch it online later.

And they let you people get married and not me.

I'm sorry I've been such a jackass.

This whole surrogate thing has got me crazy.

Yeah, why is it taking so long?

From my point of view, the problem is, Jeff exists.

The idea of a stranger being such a big part

of our lives just seems weird to me.

I don't let a stranger park my car.

Yeah, because then you'd have to tip them.

[CHUCKLES]

I make a salary.

And we've been burned before.

And whoever you end up choosing,

you don't really know them. It's rough.

Yes, I know. It's rough. But it's where we are.

I'll do it.

What? What?

What are you saying?

Uh, I'm saying that I'll be your surrogate,

you know, if you want.

Are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm serious.

Put your baby in me.

Wait-- So this is real?

You would actually do this for us?

Yeah. Audrey, I really like you.

And, Jeff, you're...

married to her.

We accept.

Great, heh.

I would kiss you,

but I wouldn't wanna make you all hot and confused.

Yeah, we probably shouldn't risk it.

Thank you. Oh, thank you so much.

This is amazing. I like where this is headed.

You realize you're signing on for about a year of this.

Yeah.

[***]

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

[***]

Adam?

Jeff.

[ADAM CHUCKLES]

You made it, big dog. Yeah, we're out of beer.

Uh, the other guys left.

But we could get our rally on.

No, Jeff, come back here.

Look, I'm very hungry. [ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Help me, please.

[***]

[***]