All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E06.Baked.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

Jeff.
Hey.

What's up?
Not you, sleepyhead.

I'm doing a load of whites,
I need this top.

My Rangers jersey
is not a top.

Fine, keep it on.
I'll do the sheets next.

You suck.

What's with all
the morning peppiness?

I'm just rising and shining
and greeting a new day.

Audrey, there's times

I've literally seen you
give the sunrise the finger.

Well, that finger was attached
to old Audrey.

The Audrey who was
going to a job every day

that was crushing her spirit.

New Audrey is excited

to greet every day
of her bright new future.

New Audrey's not really working
for the old Jeff.

You quit your job
a week ago.

What happened to taking it easy,
and soul searching

and finding the meaning
in life?

I did all that yesterday.

Besides,
I'm too excited to sleep in.

This is my new start,
getting stuff done.

Laundry, I, uh,

changed all the batteries
in the smoke detectors.

That's what those are.

I thought those were
bug zappers.

We don't have bugs.

I thought that was because
of the zappers.

Hey, there's something
in this for you.

I made you
a big hot breakfast.

You finally broke
the factory seal on that oven.

Very funny.

I'm not kidding.

Remember that time you baked

and the user's manual
burst into flames?

Bacon, eggs, sausage,
and French toast.

Is that powdered sugar
on my French toast?

No, I crushed up
one of your cholesterol pills.

That's great,
but keep it all warm.

I'm going back to bed.
And you're coming with me.

Heh, no, Jeff,
I have too much to do.

I wasn't talking to you.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

[ALLISON CHUCKLES]

Uh, you have got
the most adorable

little cream cheese
mustache.

Oh, how embarrassing.
Oh, don't be embarrassed.

I'll take care of it
for you.

[ALLISON GIGGLES]

Oh, barf.

Every morning for weeks.

Do you know how much porn
I have to watch

to get that image
out of my head?

Even more than usual?

Yeah, but who has
that kind of time?

You know,
I thought that, uh,

tonight we could
perhaps take in a film.

Oh, no, tonight I thought we'd
have a candle light dinner.

You can make your quiche.

[CHUCKLES]

Or, perhaps I could
grill up a steak.

Oh, I really wanted quiche.

Oh, well, then quiche it is.
Mm.

[IMITATING ALLISON]
Oh, and Timmy, after quiche,

maybe I can tie a pink ribbon
around your nards.

And then we can store them
in a basket of potpourri.

Ah. Mock away, sir.

Your razzing of my relationship
is infinitely preferable

to the japes you've
previously leveled at me,

such as little
foreign boy or cocoa nerd.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Heh, I'm cuckoo for cocoa nerd.

You know, being teased
for dating Allison

actually makes me feel
like one of the guys.

Well, you would be
one of the guys

if the guys were a bunch
of horny towel boys

for an all gay cricket team.

Ha, that's just
what I mean, sir.

Once again, my masculinity
has been expertly diminished.

All gay cricket team.
Excellent.

[***]

Uh-huh,
that's great, Audrey.

So the heating guy
is coming on the 16th.

Good. So I've got about 24 days
to prepare for that.

No, I'm writing it down.

I am. I borrowed a pen
from Adam.

Mm, all I have
is a pencil.

My pencil.

JEFF:
Okay. I love you too, sweetie.

Oh, she's killing me.

I can't believe
I'm married to someone

who's trying to find herself.

Jen went through a period
of trying to find herself.

She went vegan,
stopped shaving her legs.

Ah, I remember that.

And she wore shorts.
She looked like a centaur.

Hey, that's my fiancée you're
talking about, okay?

What's a centaur?

It's like a mythical creature,
half man, half horse.

Okay, we're good.

Women are out of their minds,
but we got to be nice to them

because they control
all the lady parts.

Heh, hear, hear. To women.
Can't live with them

yet life without them
represents

an equally unpalatable
alternative.

Am I not correct, dogs?

What's with the cocoa nerd?

Well, since he's got
a girlfriend,

he wants in on
all the guy talk.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, please be any other Audrey.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Audrey Bingham.

That's it. I'm done.
Finished everything on my list.

I didn't need
to quit my job.

I could have just
taken a day off.

Calm down.
It's gonna be fine.

Really, Jeff? What am I gonna
do for the rest of my life?

I got some dry cleaning
that needs picking up.

I got it, Jeff.
I was there when they opened.

I helped the guy unload his van.

Okay, uh, all right.
Calm down.

Why don't you just go down
to the basement

and, uh, get a start
on our storage locker?

Oh, yeah. That is a huge mess.
Yes, good. I can do that.

There's no cell reception
in the basement

so no need
to take your phone.

No, no, no. I use my phone
down there all the time.

Uncool, dude.

Bros precede hos.

[***]

Oh, hey, Audrey.
Hey. Hey, wow.

That's a lot of wine bottles.
You guys have a party?

No.

You save up your recycling
for a long time?

No.

Hey, so you and Adam
drink a lot of wine.

Actually, Adam doesn't
really like wine.

So are you cleaning out
your storage locker?

Uh, yeah.

Ran out of anything
else to do.

Seemed like such a good idea
to quit my job

but I got to find
some purpose for my life.

Don't put so much pressure
on yourself.

You know,
it's like Oprah says.

Sometimes, instead of
finding your bliss,

let your bliss find you.

You know what? You're right.

It's only been a little while.

I need to stop trying so hard
and relax.

Yeah, relax.
Have some wine.

[***]

So I'm with that girl, the one
that I've been kind of...

[IMITATES BED SQUEAKS]

Yes, I believe
her stage name is Destiny.

Yes. Well, ironically,
Destiny was not meant to be.

So, uh, I tried to break it off
with her gently last night

but, of course,
she threw a fit,

running alongside of the cab,
pounding on the door.

Demanding a ride home

or at least directions
back to the city.

Oh, not surprising, sir.
The ladies, they be tripping.

Take it easy, Arsenio.

You're trying to be
one of the guys,

not one of the black guys
from 1986.

TIMMY:
Oh, hello, there, Allison.

Mr. Dunbar and I were just
enjoying some spirited guy talk.

Guy talk?
Yes.

Yet another benefit
of our relationship

is entry into
the ribald fraternity

of men
dissing on their females.

Heh, I'm sure Allison doesn't
want to hear about all that.

No, I would.
I've always wondered

what boys talk about
when they're hanging out.

It is most amusing.
For example, at lunch today

Mr. Bingham said of women that--
Hey, wait, Timmy. Timmy.

Uh-uh, no. You're not stealing
the punch line this time.

Okay, go right ahead.

He said, "Women are
out of their minds

"but we have to
be nice to them

because they control
all the lady parts."

Ha, such rowdy, good humor.

It's funny because there's an
element of truth to--

Did I say it wrong?

No, Tim, you nailed it.

Is that what
you think of women?

That we're all crazy

and that we're only valued
for our lady parts?

Well, the thing is, it's...

It's more the way he...

Mr. Dunbar?

Allison and I
are waiting for an answer.

[***]

So you found
all my old stuff from college.

Yeah, it was
in the storage locker.

It looks like you were into
some pretty cool stuff.

My Chumbawamba CD.
Oh.

Oh, my God.
You used to wear an earring?

That's a tiny Native American
dream catcher.

Wow, chicks at the Wamba Shows
must have gone nuts for that.

I did all right.

Oh, it's Santa.
You had a Santa bank?

Were you saving up
for the other earring?

Wait a minute.
Could it be?

[GASPS]

Santa's holding?

That's why he's always
so jolly.

Yeah, the one at the mall
did always smell like pot.

We should get rid of it.
Absolutely.

Of course, there's different
ways of getting rid of it.

What? You want to smoke it?
That's not healthy.

You're cranky
because we're out of wine.

Good point. I'll put a towel
under the door.

I'm gonna go throw on
some Wamba.

[***]

Hello, Audrey.

The sole breadwinner is home.

Hey. You want a cookie?

I come home and you greet me

in an apron with
a plateful of cookies?

Look who finally cracked open
the suggestion box.

No, heh, when I was clearing out
our storage unit

I found something wonderful.
Have one.

You want me to eat a cookie
you found in the basement?

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend
your delicate palate,

guy who ate loose Fritos
he found on the subway.

[CHUCKLES]

Besides, I made these.

Mm, tasty.
Yeah?

When I was down there,
I found this old scrapbook

and there was a section with my
grandmother's cookie recipes.

Wow, that old racist sure knew
her way around a cookie.

Anyway, I found her recipes
and started baking

and everything felt right.

Whatever it takes
to keep the wheels

from coming off the trolley.

Frankly, I thought
you were going a little nuts.

I guess I don't have to...

...worry.

[OVEN DINGS]

Any chance that's a roast?

[***]

[***]

So, what's up with all
the cookies?

After I found the recipes

and started baking,
I got this idea

that this could
be my business,

selling my
gram gram's cookies.

I can start small.
Just maybe one store at first,

and then we'll see how it goes.
Wait, a store?

Yeah, that's what
I was thinking.

I went down into that basement
with no purpose

and I came face to face
with destiny.

Russell's friend?

No, my destiny.

This is exactly
the kind of thing

Oprah is always
telling people to do.

She tells people
to bake cookies?

And then what,
send them to her?

No. She tells people
to follow their bliss.

And a cookie business
could be my bliss.

So, what do you think?

[SIGHS]

Start-ups are really tough.

Oh.

Start-ups are really tough

if you don't have
a fantastic product

like these cookies.

Really?
Sure.

Oh, isn't it exciting?

Uh, good luck
trying to calm me down.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

Just to confirm it,

let's get somebody objective
to, uh, try them

and tell us if they're good
enough to sell?

Somebody who's not caught up
in all the excitement,

like I clearly am.
Yeah. That's a good idea.

Oh, oh, oh,
how about this one?

Gram gram's fudge dunkers.

Maybe we spend
another minute on the name.

[***]

Okay.

Now you feel mine. Okay.
Okay.

Okay. Yeah.
Heh.

I get it now.

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Uh, shh, just be cool.
Be cool. Be cool.

Ahem, hello?

What?

Are you kidding me?

Okay.

Oh, my God, the best thing
in the world just happened.

Audrey invited us over.
To eat cookies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[***]

ADAM & JENNIFER:
Mm.

So, Jen, what do you think?

Are they as good as
Famous Amos or, uh, Mrs. Fields?

No.

They're even better.
[CHUCKLES]

It's like Mrs. Fields had sex
with Famous Amos

and these cookies
are their babies.

She'll eat anything.
She's like a goat.

Hey.

The question is,
would people pay for them?

Mm, I would pay any amount
for these cookies.

Mm, I'm serious.

Every cent I've got.

I would sell my kidneys
to kidney purchasers

and then use my
kidney money to buy...

What is this thing?

What are you doing?

Discouraging Adam
from selling his kidneys.

Jeff, I'm not an idiot.

My life would be
so much easier if you were.

If you didn't believe
in the cookie idea,

why did you lie
and say you did?

Because I'm your husband.

And I didn't want
to crush your dreams.

I figured I'd let dopey
and his goat do it for me.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm dopey.

This is great.
Great. Great, Jeff.

I needed you to believe in me,
and now you pull this...

JEFF:
Audrey. Look,
I was just trying to help.

The olds are fighting.

Bummer. Let's go home.

Or...

[JENNIFER GASPS]

Oh, I knew these cookies
had to come from somewhere.

You're just jumping into this
without thinking it through.

Well, you could help me
think it through.

Okay, let's look at
the pros and the cons.

On the con side,
there are no pros.

I'm in finance.
I know these things.

I see people fail every day,

people much smarter than you
with better ideas.

Wow, you are the ass
beneath my wings.

I'm sorry
that you're upset.

I'm trying to save you
a lot of disappointment.

You know what? There's not
gonna be disappointment

because I'm doing this without
you. And you'll see.

Won't I feel foolish
when you make a fortune

selling gram gram's
butt nuggets.

Go, go, go.

[***]

[JEFF GROANS]

Mr. Bingham,
you seem a bit down.

Yeah, why the square face?

Audrey's mad because
she's got this stupid idea

for this stupid
cookie business.

And she's mad because
I called it stupid.

I don't know.
People love cookies.

A lot of money to be made
in that game.

Well, it's worked out
well for you

and your little
tree trunk pals.

My sympathies, Mr. Bingham,
for I, too, now find myself

in the punitive quarters
of the doghouse region

of my old lady's regard.

[SIGHS]
Explain.

Well, Mr. One of the Guys, here,
uh, repeated your line

about women "controlling
the lady parts" to Allison.

Okay, look, see,

I know that you're all geeked up
on finding a nerd mate.

You can never repeat
our stuff with them.

That's what keeps this whole
man-woman deal

from blowing all to hell.

Valuable info, that.
Thanks for the 411, broseph.

I've got to go take a walk
and figure stuff out.

Later, Kumar.

Keebler.

[***]

Hi.
Hey.

I tried calling you

but you accidentally
left your phone here.

Yes, that certainly was
an accident.

I am sorry about our fight.
Me too.

I guess having all this free
time after 15 years of working

has made me a little crazy.

Well, no,
not just a little.

I should have been
more sensitive

about what
you're going through

because, you know,
you're my lady.

Ha, ha, I'm your lady?
Who are you, Kenny Rogers?

In many ways, yes,

I am Kenny Rogers.

I know when to hold them,
I know when to fold them.

And I know when to go all in

and that is what I am doing
for your cookie business.

Oh, well,
you don't have to.

I was grasping
for something to do.

It's really sweet that
you want to support me,

but, heh, I'm over it.

You're over it?
Yeah.

You're over it?
Hmm.

It would have been nice
to have that information

about an hour ago.

[***]

You leased a store for me?

Well,

I was feeling bad, so

took a walk and,
uh, the landlord,

Middle Eastern fella,

was putting up a, uh,
"for lease" sign.

Oh, heh, my God.
I can't believe you did this.

Well, I wanted to make up
for not being supportive.

Of course,
the key component of my plan

was you having an interest
in selling cookies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, if it's any consolation,
sweetie,

I love you.
It's no consolation.

This proves that you respect
and support me.

Well...

That is something.

They say you can't
put a price on love.

Actually, it's this figure
right here.

[***]

Uh, just coffee.
Nothing for me, thanks.

Ah, I can't believe
we ate all those cookies.

I may never
be hungry again.

Ah, so our garbage
and old soup cans are safe?

Enough with the goat.

All right, don't ram me
with the horns.

Yes, my sweet.

Okay, then, bye, Allison.

I tell you what.

Ever since our little
guy talk snafu,

she just does not let up.

Peck, peck, peck, peck,
peck, peck, peck.

Timmy, I thought you
were into Allison.

I am. It's just the fellas here
have come to rely on me

for a little peppery banter.

Not me.
I, for one, find it--

Shut up.

God. You know, you are always
so sweet and polite.

Don't let these cynical
man-apes ruin you

with their stupid,
primitive attitudes.

Please do not become
one of them.

Oh, you know what?
You're absolutely right.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I've erred, and I shall
return immediately

to my former, better self.

Good for you.

[TIMMY SIGHS]

Well...

Looks like someone had an extra
helping of bitch this morning.

[LAUGHS]

All right.
You got it.

[***]

[***]