Original subtitles

Jeff. Hey.

What's up? Not you, sleepyhead.

I'm doing a load of whites, I need this top.

My Rangers jersey is not a top.

Fine, keep it on. I'll do the sheets next.

You suck.

What's with all the morning peppiness?

I'm just rising and shining and greeting a new day.

Audrey, there's times

I've literally seen you give the sunrise the finger.

Well, that finger was attached to old Audrey.

The Audrey who was going to a job every day

that was crushing her spirit.

New Audrey is excited

to greet every day of her bright new future.

New Audrey's not really working for the old Jeff.

You quit your job a week ago.

What happened to taking it easy, and soul searching

and finding the meaning in life?

I did all that yesterday.

Besides, I'm too excited to sleep in.

This is my new start, getting stuff done.

Laundry, I, uh,

changed all the batteries in the smoke detectors.

That's what those are.

I thought those were bug zappers.

We don't have bugs.

I thought that was because of the zappers.

Hey, there's something in this for you.

I made you a big hot breakfast.

You finally broke the factory seal on that oven.

Very funny.

I'm not kidding.

Remember that time you baked

and the user's manual burst into flames?

Bacon, eggs, sausage, and French toast.

Is that powdered sugar on my French toast?

No, I crushed up one of your cholesterol pills.

That's great, but keep it all warm.

I'm going back to bed. And you're coming with me.

Heh, no, Jeff, I have too much to do.

I wasn't talking to you.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

[ALLISON CHUCKLES]

Uh, you have got the most adorable

little cream cheese mustache.

Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, don't be embarrassed.

I'll take care of it for you.

[ALLISON GIGGLES]

Oh, barf.

Every morning for weeks.

Do you know how much porn I have to watch

to get that image out of my head?

Even more than usual?

Yeah, but who has that kind of time?

You know, I thought that, uh,

tonight we could perhaps take in a film.

Oh, no, tonight I thought we'd have a candle light dinner.

You can make your quiche.

[CHUCKLES]

Or, perhaps I could grill up a steak.

Oh, I really wanted quiche.

Oh, well, then quiche it is. Mm.

[IMITATING ALLISON] Oh, and Timmy, after quiche,

maybe I can tie a pink ribbon around your nards.

And then we can store them in a basket of potpourri.

Ah. Mock away, sir.

Your razzing of my relationship is infinitely preferable

to the japes you've previously leveled at me,

such as little foreign boy or cocoa nerd.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Heh, I'm cuckoo for cocoa nerd.

You know, being teased for dating Allison

actually makes me feel like one of the guys.

Well, you would be one of the guys

if the guys were a bunch of horny towel boys

for an all gay cricket team.

Ha, that's just what I mean, sir.

Once again, my masculinity has been expertly diminished.

All gay cricket team. Excellent.

[***]

Uh-huh, that's great, Audrey.

So the heating guy is coming on the 16th.

Good. So I've got about 24 days to prepare for that.

No, I'm writing it down.

I am. I borrowed a pen from Adam.

Mm, all I have is a pencil.

My pencil.

JEFF: Okay. I love you too, sweetie.

Oh, she's killing me.

I can't believe I'm married to someone

who's trying to find herself.

Jen went through a period of trying to find herself.

She went vegan, stopped shaving her legs.

Ah, I remember that.

And she wore shorts. She looked like a centaur.

Hey, that's my fiancée you're talking about, okay?

What's a centaur?

It's like a mythical creature, half man, half horse.

Okay, we're good.

Women are out of their minds, but we got to be nice to them

because they control all the lady parts.

Heh, hear, hear. To women. Can't live with them

yet life without them represents

an equally unpalatable alternative.

Am I not correct, dogs?

What's with the cocoa nerd?

Well, since he's got a girlfriend,

he wants in on all the guy talk.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh, please be any other Audrey.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Audrey Bingham.

That's it. I'm done. Finished everything on my list.

I didn't need to quit my job.

I could have just taken a day off.

Calm down. It's gonna be fine.

Really, Jeff? What am I gonna do for the rest of my life?

I got some dry cleaning that needs picking up.

I got it, Jeff. I was there when they opened.

I helped the guy unload his van.

Okay, uh, all right. Calm down.

Why don't you just go down to the basement

and, uh, get a start on our storage locker?

Oh, yeah. That is a huge mess. Yes, good. I can do that.

There's no cell reception in the basement

so no need to take your phone.

No, no, no. I use my phone down there all the time.

Uncool, dude.

Bros precede hos.

[***]

Oh, hey, Audrey. Hey. Hey, wow.

That's a lot of wine bottles. You guys have a party?

No.

You save up your recycling for a long time?

No.

Hey, so you and Adam drink a lot of wine.

Actually, Adam doesn't really like wine.

So are you cleaning out your storage locker?

Uh, yeah.

Ran out of anything else to do.

Seemed like such a good idea to quit my job

but I got to find some purpose for my life.

Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

You know, it's like Oprah says.

Sometimes, instead of finding your bliss,

let your bliss find you.

You know what? You're right.

It's only been a little while.

I need to stop trying so hard and relax.

Yeah, relax. Have some wine.

[***]

So I'm with that girl, the one that I've been kind of...

[IMITATES BED SQUEAKS]

Yes, I believe her stage name is Destiny.

Yes. Well, ironically, Destiny was not meant to be.

So, uh, I tried to break it off with her gently last night

but, of course, she threw a fit,

running alongside of the cab, pounding on the door.

Demanding a ride home

or at least directions back to the city.

Oh, not surprising, sir. The ladies, they be tripping.

Take it easy, Arsenio.

You're trying to be one of the guys,

not one of the black guys from 1986.

TIMMY: Oh, hello, there, Allison.

Mr. Dunbar and I were just enjoying some spirited guy talk.

Guy talk? Yes.

Yet another benefit of our relationship

is entry into the ribald fraternity

of men dissing on their females.

Heh, I'm sure Allison doesn't want to hear about all that.

No, I would. I've always wondered

what boys talk about when they're hanging out.

It is most amusing. For example, at lunch today

Mr. Bingham said of women that-- Hey, wait, Timmy. Timmy.

Uh-uh, no. You're not stealing the punch line this time.

Okay, go right ahead.

He said, "Women are out of their minds

"but we have to be nice to them

because they control all the lady parts."

Ha, such rowdy, good humor.

It's funny because there's an element of truth to--

Did I say it wrong?

No, Tim, you nailed it.

Is that what you think of women?

That we're all crazy

and that we're only valued for our lady parts?

Well, the thing is, it's...

It's more the way he...

Mr. Dunbar?

Allison and I are waiting for an answer.

[***]

So you found all my old stuff from college.

Yeah, it was in the storage locker.

It looks like you were into some pretty cool stuff.

My Chumbawamba CD. Oh.

Oh, my God. You used to wear an earring?

That's a tiny Native American dream catcher.

Wow, chicks at the Wamba Shows must have gone nuts for that.

I did all right.

Oh, it's Santa. You had a Santa bank?

Were you saving up for the other earring?

Wait a minute. Could it be?

[GASPS]

Santa's holding?

That's why he's always so jolly.

Yeah, the one at the mall did always smell like pot.

We should get rid of it. Absolutely.

Of course, there's different ways of getting rid of it.

What? You want to smoke it? That's not healthy.

You're cranky because we're out of wine.

Good point. I'll put a towel under the door.

I'm gonna go throw on some Wamba.

[***]

Hello, Audrey.

The sole breadwinner is home.

Hey. You want a cookie?

I come home and you greet me

in an apron with a plateful of cookies?

Look who finally cracked open the suggestion box.

No, heh, when I was clearing out our storage unit

I found something wonderful. Have one.

You want me to eat a cookie you found in the basement?

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend your delicate palate,

guy who ate loose Fritos he found on the subway.

[CHUCKLES]

Besides, I made these.

Mm, tasty. Yeah?

When I was down there, I found this old scrapbook

and there was a section with my grandmother's cookie recipes.

Wow, that old racist sure knew her way around a cookie.

Anyway, I found her recipes and started baking

and everything felt right.

Whatever it takes to keep the wheels

from coming off the trolley.

Frankly, I thought you were going a little nuts.

I guess I don't have to...

...worry.

[OVEN DINGS]

Any chance that's a roast?

[***]

[***]

So, what's up with all the cookies?

After I found the recipes

and started baking, I got this idea

that this could be my business,

selling my gram gram's cookies.

I can start small. Just maybe one store at first,

and then we'll see how it goes. Wait, a store?

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I went down into that basement with no purpose

and I came face to face with destiny.

Russell's friend?

No, my destiny.

This is exactly the kind of thing

Oprah is always telling people to do.

She tells people to bake cookies?

And then what, send them to her?

No. She tells people to follow their bliss.

And a cookie business could be my bliss.

So, what do you think?

[SIGHS]

Start-ups are really tough.

Oh.

Start-ups are really tough

if you don't have a fantastic product

like these cookies.

Really? Sure.

Oh, isn't it exciting?

Uh, good luck trying to calm me down.

[AUDREY LAUGHS]

Just to confirm it,

let's get somebody objective to, uh, try them

and tell us if they're good enough to sell?

Somebody who's not caught up in all the excitement,

like I clearly am. Yeah. That's a good idea.

Oh, oh, oh, how about this one?

Gram gram's fudge dunkers.

Maybe we spend another minute on the name.

[***]

Okay.

Now you feel mine. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Heh.

I get it now.

[LAUGHS]

[PHONE RINGS]

Uh, shh, just be cool. Be cool. Be cool.

Ahem, hello?

What?

Are you kidding me?

Okay.

Oh, my God, the best thing in the world just happened.

Audrey invited us over. To eat cookies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[***]

ADAM & JENNIFER: Mm.

So, Jen, what do you think?

Are they as good as Famous Amos or, uh, Mrs. Fields?

No.

They're even better. [CHUCKLES]

It's like Mrs. Fields had sex with Famous Amos

and these cookies are their babies.

She'll eat anything. She's like a goat.

Hey.

The question is, would people pay for them?

Mm, I would pay any amount for these cookies.

Mm, I'm serious.

Every cent I've got.

I would sell my kidneys to kidney purchasers

and then use my kidney money to buy...

What is this thing?

What are you doing?

Discouraging Adam from selling his kidneys.

Jeff, I'm not an idiot.

My life would be so much easier if you were.

If you didn't believe in the cookie idea,

why did you lie and say you did?

Because I'm your husband.

And I didn't want to crush your dreams.

I figured I'd let dopey and his goat do it for me.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm dopey.

This is great. Great. Great, Jeff.

I needed you to believe in me, and now you pull this...

JEFF: Audrey. Look, I was just trying to help.

The olds are fighting.

Bummer. Let's go home.

Or...

[JENNIFER GASPS]

Oh, I knew these cookies had to come from somewhere.

You're just jumping into this without thinking it through.

Well, you could help me think it through.

Okay, let's look at the pros and the cons.

On the con side, there are no pros.

I'm in finance. I know these things.

I see people fail every day,

people much smarter than you with better ideas.

Wow, you are the ass beneath my wings.

I'm sorry that you're upset.

I'm trying to save you a lot of disappointment.

You know what? There's not gonna be disappointment

because I'm doing this without you. And you'll see.

Won't I feel foolish when you make a fortune

selling gram gram's butt nuggets.

Go, go, go.

[***]

[JEFF GROANS]

Mr. Bingham, you seem a bit down.

Yeah, why the square face?

Audrey's mad because she's got this stupid idea

for this stupid cookie business.

And she's mad because I called it stupid.

I don't know. People love cookies.

A lot of money to be made in that game.

Well, it's worked out well for you

and your little tree trunk pals.

My sympathies, Mr. Bingham, for I, too, now find myself

in the punitive quarters of the doghouse region

of my old lady's regard.

[SIGHS] Explain.

Well, Mr. One of the Guys, here, uh, repeated your line

about women "controlling the lady parts" to Allison.

Okay, look, see,

I know that you're all geeked up on finding a nerd mate.

You can never repeat our stuff with them.

That's what keeps this whole man-woman deal

from blowing all to hell.

Valuable info, that. Thanks for the 411, broseph.

I've got to go take a walk and figure stuff out.

Later, Kumar.

Keebler.

[***]

Hi. Hey.

I tried calling you

but you accidentally left your phone here.

Yes, that certainly was an accident.

I am sorry about our fight. Me too.

I guess having all this free time after 15 years of working

has made me a little crazy.

Well, no, not just a little.

I should have been more sensitive

about what you're going through

because, you know, you're my lady.

Ha, ha, I'm your lady? Who are you, Kenny Rogers?

In many ways, yes,

I am Kenny Rogers.

I know when to hold them, I know when to fold them.

And I know when to go all in

and that is what I am doing for your cookie business.

Oh, well, you don't have to.

I was grasping for something to do.

It's really sweet that you want to support me,

but, heh, I'm over it.

You're over it? Yeah.

You're over it? Hmm.

It would have been nice to have that information

about an hour ago.

[***]

You leased a store for me?

Well,

I was feeling bad, so

took a walk and, uh, the landlord,

Middle Eastern fella,

was putting up a, uh, "for lease" sign.

Oh, heh, my God. I can't believe you did this.

Well, I wanted to make up for not being supportive.

Of course, the key component of my plan

was you having an interest in selling cookies.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, if it's any consolation, sweetie,

I love you. It's no consolation.

This proves that you respect and support me.

Well...

That is something.

They say you can't put a price on love.

Actually, it's this figure right here.

[***]

Uh, just coffee. Nothing for me, thanks.

Ah, I can't believe we ate all those cookies.

I may never be hungry again.

Ah, so our garbage and old soup cans are safe?

Enough with the goat.

All right, don't ram me with the horns.

Yes, my sweet.

Okay, then, bye, Allison.

I tell you what.

Ever since our little guy talk snafu,

she just does not let up.

Peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck, peck.

Timmy, I thought you were into Allison.

I am. It's just the fellas here have come to rely on me

for a little peppery banter.

Not me. I, for one, find it--

Shut up.

God. You know, you are always so sweet and polite.

Don't let these cynical man-apes ruin you

with their stupid, primitive attitudes.

Please do not become one of them.

Oh, you know what? You're absolutely right.

Thank you, Jennifer.

I've erred, and I shall return immediately

to my former, better self.

Good for you.

[TIMMY SIGHS]

Well...

Looks like someone had an extra helping of bitch this morning.

[LAUGHS]

All right. You got it.

[***]

[***]