Original subtitles

Jeff, I found two empty beer cans in the trash.

All right, you keep up the good work,

I'll get you your own shopping cart.

Jeff, these were in our trash, as opposed to the recycling bin

and you didn't rinse them.

When I finish a beer the can is pretty clean.

Don't do it for the planet.

Just do it because I asked you to and I'm your wife. For now.

Okay, you're right. From now on,

I'll do a better job handling the cans.

On that subject,

why don't you shuttle those puppies over here?

Boy, heh,

I wish I was wearing sneakers so I could get to you faster.

Well, to save you the trouble of changing your footwear.

Oh, yeah. Because I was going to.

The big dog will come to you. Heh.

Great read on the situation, honey. I gotta go.

[GROANS]

Come on, you said you didn't even wanna go to this thing.

Stay home, we'll go a few rounds.

Oh, Mr. Shakespeare, heh, you and your love sonnets.

It's part your fault for getting all dolled up

and looking so hot.

Mm, that was really sweet.

Not as sweet as your-- No, no, let me leave on that.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

Oh, come on.

Ugh. Really?

Aah. Ah. Ah.

Oh, hey. What are you doing back?

I broke my heel.

I'm already late and it's just drinks with the girls.

I'm just not gonna to go.

Oh, that's too bad.

You got all dolled up for nothing.

Well, it doesn't have to be for nothing.

Like you said, I'm looking hot, you're clearly interested.

How about we light some candles, open a bottle of wine

and take this to the bedroom.

Oh.

Too late.

What? Well, after you left, I...

...took matters into my own hands.

Seriously? Yep.

In the time it took me

to take the elevator to the lobby and back?

Yeah.

That was maybe three minutes.

If you say so.

[TOASTER BELL DINGS]

Oh, my toast.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

So you go toast right after?

Yes.

And, uh, how about you?

I usually just throw down a few aspirin for my carpal tunnel.

Could you two animals just order?

Oh...

Uh, I'll just have a bagel.

Cheese omelet, whole wheat toast.

You're not getting any toast.

Misters Dunbar, Bingham.

Hey, Mowgli? Where's Baloo?

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, you're Indian.

A racist spin on a Disney classic. Well done, sir.

Now, this is the itinerary for your trip to Miami.

Whoo! JEFF: You're going to Miami?

What is it, the annual running of the skanks?

Uh, no, it's fall, the skanks are in Capistrano.

This is actually a business trip.

Timmy, you wanna go along?

Really? What's the catch?

No catch. Dude, are you in or not?

Sorry, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And I suspect it will be a children's size four

with a lift in it.

Ha, you're small.

No, you're not my assistant on this trip.

You'd be my colleague, no menial tasks for you.

Oh, well, in that case I accept.

And I thank you for the opportunity. Really.

Ugh.

Can you pick these gross sesame seeds off my bagel?

We're not on the trip yet.

Seriously? No toast?

I saw you come out of the men's room.

[***]

I guess what's bugging me is his casual attitude.

Like he didn't care if he did it with or without me.

Well, how's the "with you" stuff going?

It's good. It's all right. I guess.

Sounds hot.

We've been married 13 years. It's normal.

Look, it's hard to compete with the sick fantasies

men have going on in their heads.

Yeah. And even when you do all the sick stuff,

they still go back to their wives.

Every now and again I give Gary something special

to remind him how good the real thing is.

Hmm, what I should give Jeff is sandpaper mittens.

If you want to get things back on track,

you're gonna have to make an effort.

Maybe there's a little fantasy of his you could fulfill.

Oh, I'd give him his fantasy,

I can't speak for Olympic gold medalist, Lindsey Vonn.

All I'm saying is, use your imagination. Surprise him.

Eh, maybe I'll give that a try.

Oh, one idea might be to invite a co-worker over to watch

or participate in your love-making.

Asked and answered.

[AUDREY SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Jeff, it's Audrey.

Listen, I was thinking, uh,

why don't you come over to my office today for lunch?

Yes, Audrey Bingham.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

I've always dreamed of traveling first class, sir.

It's even better than I imagined.

Of course it is. You're used to riding

on top of a train with a goat under each arm.

Oh.

What's in the bag? Oh, my lunch, sir.

Oh, God, Timmy,

they have good food in first class. It's not like that slop

they serve back to the losers in coach.

Have a nice flight.

I happen to have certain dietary restrictions, sir,

and was concerned they may not have a gluten-free option.

[PLANE RUMBLES] Hmm. Whoa! Did you hear that?

Did a bird fly in the engine? A goose?

No.

Was it a duck?

No. It was just the door closing, sir.

We're getting ready to take off.

Oh, boy. Okay.

Mm.

Yes. Yes.

[EXHALING]

Is everything all right, sir?

What is it? Did you see another goose?

No, there's no goose. Why are you so agitated, sir?

Well, the truth of it all is, uh, I'm not a great flyer.

Uh, half the reason I brought you here

was to help me through the flight.

What's the other half?

The flight home.

Statistics show that flying

is in fact the safest means of transportation.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, you know what, you're right. This is silly.

There you go, sir.

I think I'm gonna be okay. Hmm.

MAN [OVER PA]: Flight attendants, prepare for take off.

[ENGINES WHIRRING]

[SCREAMS]

This is it, I can't take it!

We will for sure die!

You're all dying!

[***]

Hey. Hey, there's my man.

Oh. Hmm.

Thanks for inviting me to lunch.

Sorry about my breath.

I had a bag of corn nuts on the way over.

Ahem, let me guess, ranch?

The first bag was. Up next, chili picante.

Alright, heh, why don't you put those away.

Why? What are you thinking for lunch?

Oh, I have a lot of thoughts.

In fact, let's start--

Audrey, we need you in the conference room.

Really? Right now? Yeah. It'll just take a minute.

All right. I'll be right back.

Hi, Jeff. Oh, hey, Jill.

It's Tracy.

Oh, did you get married?

[***]

Timmy. Timmy. Timmy!

[PANTING]

So much for Letters To Juliet. Timmy, flying is wrong.

It doesn't make sense,

this thing is too big to be in the air,

I don't understand.

Sir, would you feel better

if I explained speed, lift and wind theory to you?

No, no, no, the only theory I understand

is that things fall.

[***]

Sorry, everyone had to sing "Happy Birthday" to Ellen.

You hate her.

Hmm, I just mouthed the words.

Take that, Ellen. Heh.

Anyway, I managed to wrestle a little cake away from her.

She is not small. Hmm.

We'll have this after lunch.

Or we can have it after something else.

Seriously? Yeah.

In here? You like that, don't you?

I do...

Too late.

Again?

Your timing's not great this week.

[***]

[***]

Why on earth would you do that?

Well, you were kissing me

and you've got that private bathroom.

So every time I leave you alone,

you just immediately attack yourself.

Not every time.

What about after I left for the gym this morning?

Look, maybe this is a discussion for another day.

I can't believe you would do that in my office.

Isn't it nice after all these years,

I can still surprise you?

Look, you're the one who lured me

to your place of business for sex.

That's pretty unprofessional.

Heh, and what you just did

is gonna land you on the cover of Forbes.

Look, you should've led with the "nooner" info,

then I might have waited.

"Might have"?

So you don't care whether it's you alone or us together.

No, of course I would prefer if it was you.

In fact, you were in my fantasy.

Was I? Yes.

Unzipping Lindsey Vonn's parka.

If Lindsey switches to Velcro, you wouldn't need me at all.

No, someone would still have to take off her...

Wait, what the hell are we even talking about here?

Look, I would just like to think that sex with me

is a better option than sex alone.

And lately it doesn't seem that way.

I always give you first shot before I get ready to rumble.

Yes, but first shot is usually, "Wanna go a few rounds?"

Should we go back to, "gentlemen, start your engines"?

It's not about the sport, Jeff. I would just like you

to try a little harder before you throw in the towel.

Okay, look, I'm sorry. Maybe I've gotten a little lazy

in the romance department.

Well, to be fair,

I guess we can both make more of an effort,

which is why I invited you here.

It's too bad we got cake-blocked by Ellen the Hutt.

I'm gonna make more of an effort, starting right now.

Knock, knock. Oh, I heard Jeff was here.

No. Get out. Oh, okay.

[***]

Sir, just last month

you flew to Las Vegas for the Adult Video Awards.

How did you manage that?

I don't know, triumph of the human spirit.

I wish Helga was here. Your childhood nanny?

She used to fly with me

and she'd make sure everything was okay.

Well, tell me, how'd she do that?

She sang me show tunes.

I'm not singing show tunes.

Fine.

I'm gonna tell the stewardess

I saw you trying to light your shoe.

Why? Why would you do that, sir?

Because then they'll land the plane to arrest you

and I'll walk off. It's the perfect plan.

The perfect plan involves me being water-boarded?

No, no, no, you'll probably just be deported.

What are you doing with matches, foreign-looking person?

* The sun'll Come out tomorrow *

* Bet your bottom dollar That tomorrow *

* There'll be sun *

* Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow *

* You're only a day away *

[***]

Hey, there, pretty lady.

Heh, and who might those be for?

For you. Just for being you.

Because I'm romantic like that. Thank you.

You see, your hands can be used for other things.

And they're about to be, heh.

Oh, yes, pfft.

Ooh.

I'd love to wrap this up before the game starts.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, thank you for the flowers, babe, but, uh,

I'm not sure you really understand

this whole making an effort thing.

I got you flowers.

Yes, but the only reason you got them is to get sex.

That is why every guy buys flowers.

It's sexual currency, Aud.

I could've just given you the 15 bucks

but you'd be insulted, right?

Put your wallet away.

Look, instead of thinking, "how do I get sex"

try thinking, "how do I show Audrey I care?"

Well, if you look down,

there is some pretty compelling evidence.

You know what, ugh, forget it. I'm gonna wash my face.

I'm sorry, buddy.

* Demons'll charm you With a smile *

BOTH: * For a while *

* But in time *

* Nothing can harm you *

* Not while I'm around *

Yes. Yes. Oh, thank you.

Really, ever so kind. So glad you enjoyed it.

[SIGHS] Um...

Feeling any better now, sir?

Yes. You're my new Helga.

Oh.

Thank you, sir. I know those are big lederhosen to fill.

[SIGHS] Now why don't you relax

while I enjoy a well-deserved meal. Hmm.

Uh, the bump-bump bumpies...

Not to worry, sir, not to worry.

Just a minor air pocket. [PANTING]

You know, it certainly was a circuitous route to this point

but for the first time

I feel I've earned a measure of your respect.

[VOMITS]

[GROANS]

I stand corrected.

[***]

[SIGHS]

You're emptying the dishwasher.

Oh, are they dirty? Sorry.

No, no, no, they're clean. Thank you.

Sure.

Is that your third beer? Uh, fourth.

I had a tallboy on the subway so...

Add that to the list of things I'm sorry about.

No, you don't need to be sorry.

I just noticed there were two cans in the recycling bin.

And you rinsed them.

Well, we don't want to get beer rats.

Uh...

And that's how you want me to do it, right?

Yes. You listened to me. Thank you. Mm, it happened.

That's for rinsing out the beer cans?

Hmm, and the flowers. And emptying the dishwasher.

It's all part of making an effort.

Oh. Okay. I get it.

So all you're asking for is a little bit of this...

Oh, yeah.

[MUMBLES]

[BLOWS AIR]

Stop teasing.

Oh, ugh...

[LAUGHS]

That's it, I have to have you now.

Oh, hold on.

I haven't finished my chores.

[MOANING]

Uh...

Well, that's just unsanitary. Come on.

[***]

Well, that was good.

Logging that one up here for future use.

Thank you. That's creepily flattering.

And I feel like I was a little quicker

than maybe I would have liked.

Or perhaps you would've liked.

Come on, heh, Jeff, it was great.

Are you sure? Because I'd be happy

to take you for another spin, if you want.

Heh, that's nice but too late.

What?

[TIMER DINGS]

My toast.

[***]

[***]

Thank you again, sir, for a wonderful weekend.

There you go. Mm.

It was my pleasure, Timmy.

You know, I've been thinking about music for the way home.

And after Miami, I'm kind of in the mood for some "Fiddler."

Might be fun, heh.

Oh, that won't be necessary, sir.

I'm quite confident this will be a much smoother trip.

Why is that?

You see the thing is

I was able to procure some very powerful sedatives.

Excuse me? Did you dose me?

What'd you put in this champagne?

Nothing in yours, sir.

Have a nice flight.

No, Timmy. Timmy. Wake up.

MAN [OVER PA]: Flight attendants, prepare for take off.

No. [ENGINES WHIRRING]

No, is that a goose?

Timmy?

[***]

[***]