All language subtitles for Rules.of.Engagement.S05E03.Rug-Of-War.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP.5.1.x265-edge2020_track3_[eng]

Uh, yes, I had a few questions
about tonight's adoption fair.

And here's a question,
will there be food?

Heh, how late
will it be going?

Uh, the adoption fair
is from 6 to 10.

Great. Thank you.
Dinner hours.

There's gotta be food, right?

[SIGHS]
Uh, my hus--

A guy here wants to know
if there's going to be any food.

Thank you. No food.

Oh, lot of nerve
calling it a fair

when they're not offering
some sort of meat-on-a-stick.

Try not to...

Jeff it up too much tonight,
please.

If we get serious
about adopting,

we'll need these people
to like us.

If they can't like me
for who I am,

then I'm not gonna buy
one of their used babies.

Just don't completely
embarrass us.

I'll find
an appropriate level.

Good. Now, let's finish talking
about replacing this rug.

I thought we finished
last night

when I said no
and then fell asleep.

Yeah,
I know it's shocking,

but your fake cartoon snoring
didn't fool me.

It wasn't fake,
it was classic Three Stooges.

I don't want a new rug.

I put a lot of time and effort
into breaking in this one.

You tried that argument
with all your old underwear.

Come on, admit it, don't you
like your new underwear?

Nestles in there sometimes,
but....

This rug is fine.
It works. Watch. See?

My feet aren't touching
the wood floor.

Hey, way to go, rug.

You know, you get to live
in a beautiful apartment,

because I take it upon myself
to make it beautiful.

Like what I did
with the guest room

and how I design the kitchen,

and I think a new rug
will make this whole room

feel a lot fresher and--

[SNORING]

Mi, mi, mi.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say I love you *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared *

* With you by my side
There is no denying *

* I can't wait for me and you *

[***]

All right, so maybe
at lunch today

we'll do a little
carpet shopping.

Carpet shopping?

What, did you get
a little carried away

with the waxing
this morning?

I wish.

No!

God, sorry to disappoint you,
Russell.

And me.
You're disappointing.

Disappointing me too.
RUSSELL: Ha, ha.

All right, all right,
carpets this afternoon

and, uh, the adoption fair
tonight.

What about finding
a new surrogate?

You mean to replace
the old one

that we had and loved,

but then you ruined her
for us

by having sex with her?

Jeez, take it easy,
talk about holding a grudge.

It was a week ago.

It was only
five business days.

Because she and I
did some, uh, business.

Shoo!

You're alone on this one.

RUSSELL:
Ah.

Mr. and Mrs. Bingham.
Hey, Timmy.

Good morning, sir.

Hey, Timmy, this coffee
doesn't taste as good

as the coffee you make at work.
Fix it.

Well, in order to do that,

I'd have to bring it
into the rest room. Ha.

That's very funny,
Chutney Dangerfield. Fix it.

JEFF:
Hey, Timmy,

do you know anybody
who can get us a quality rug

at well below quality prices?

Oh, I see.

So because I'm of Indian descent

I must have a friend
or a relative

who's a carpet merchant.
Is that it?

Well, do you?

Yes.

[***]

A little more,
and there.

Oh, my God,
I love this rug.

Thank you.
Adam, what do you think?

When I lift the couch
my guns look huge.

Well, tell Audrey
thanks again.

The rug looks perfect.

Yeah, it really ties
all your crap together.

[JEFF CLICKS TONGUE]

Um, I'm gonna miss it.

You can come over whenever
you want to visit the rug.

You start buying
my brand of Scotch

and maybe I will.

He said,
hoping they'd buy him

a bottle of thank-you Scotch.

Anyway,
I am gonna go pick out

some new pillows and throws
to go with the rug.

Is that near a liquor store?

Buy me Scotch.

Anyways, I hope that, uh,
you and Jen

have as much fun with this rug
as Audrey and I did.

[SIGHS]
And we had some fun.

Uh, what do you mean?
What fun?

Sex fun.

You used to have sex
on this rug?

Yep.

Yeah, in fact, uh,
just last night

we threw it a little
bone voyage party.

I'll see you, buddy.

Ah!

[***]

No. No.

Who's responsible for this?

I bet it's Voldemort.

Yes, it's Voldemort.

Excuse me, sir?
Timmy.

You know I don't like
to be disturbed

while I'm reading pornography.

Yes, pornography.

So it won't bother you
to know

that Professor Snape
kills Dumbledore.

Why would that both--?

Not Dumbledore!
Why would you tell me that?

Oh, I don't know, sir.
Why would you pants me

during yesterday's
staff meeting?

All I know is
everybody laughed but you.

Actually, you also know

that Harry
marries Ginny Weasley.

No! Why are you telling me
these things?

Timmy, take off your belt
and call a staff meeting.

I really do wish
I had the time, sir,

but I have to take
the Binghams carpet shopping.

Oh, bore.
Okay, fine, fine.

Uh, now, I've written down
some emergency numbers for you.

There's my cell,
uh, the police,

your "masseuse".

And the gentleman
who waits in the lobby

making everyone uncomfortable

while your "masseuse"
completes your "massage."

Enough with the air quotes. I
don't need you around,

I'm not a child. Go.
Of course not, sir.

I also placed your afternoon
juice box on your desk.

Stop making yourself feel
so important and beat it.

Gladly.
Yeah.

[GRUNTS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CHAIR HISSES]

[GROANS]

[GRUNTS]

Timmy?

Tim?

[SIGHS]

[***]

The brown one is nice,

but, um, can I see
the yellow one down here?

Mmm.

May I see the brown one again?

I'd hate to be
a Polly Push-along, sir,

but how much longer
do you think

Mrs. Bingham will take
to decide?

We might die first.

But you've got that
whole reincarnation thing,

so you're fine.

Look, Mr. Bingham, I--

How does that work anyways?

Do you, uh, get to pick
what animal

you come back as?

Sir, it's actually a deeply
personal matter, so...

See, me, I'd go bird. Right?

Or a combo bird-horse.

So I'd get to fly.

And then when I land,

I got a little something
for the reincarnated ladies.

Oh, did you ask your uncle
about giving me

the "Friend of Timmy" discount?

Oh, Mr. Bingham,
do you consider us friends?

Discount friends.

[***]

RUSSELL:
I had a great time with you.

Are you kidding?

I would love to see you again.

And by the way, you don't need
to bring the massage table,

we're not fooling anybody.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, oh, okay. Yes.

All right, I'll see you soon.
Bye, hon.

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[***]

Hey, babe.

Get the hell off the rug.

What? Why?

It's so plush and soft.

Jen, Jen, Jen, don't.

JEN:
Don't what?

Oh, oh.

Three second rule.
No!

What the hell's wrong
with you?

Okay, listen.

Jeff told me

that he and Audrey
used to do it on this rug.

Ah!

No!
I know, right?

I mean, no way
we're buying him any Scotch.

Ow, they're all over me!

I've gotta go take a shower!

No, don't leave me alone
with it!

[***]

[BLOWS AIR]

Oh!

Now!

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

Come on. Get.

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

Ah!

[***]

[***]

The yellow one.

Or the brown one.
Oh.

Hey, what do you say
you crank up this thing

and fly us out of here?

Ah, I'm Aladdin.
I certainly had that coming

for bringing you here
and getting you a discount.

Jeff, can you get over here
and help me?

We gotta make a choice
and get to the fair.

Then pick one.
It should be both our decisions.

Which one do you like?

Well, this one feels....

Oh, wow!

It's a good thing
I'm already bent over.

[SIGHS]

Don't pick by price.

Which one do you like better?

I don't wanna tell you.
Well, I want your opinion.

Oh, fine, here we go.
Um....

I like the brown one.

Really?
Because I like the yellow one.

Let's get
the yellow one.

Now I know you like
the brown one.

And there you go.
See? See?

Fly, Timmy, fly.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTING]

[WHISTLES]

[WHISTLES]

[***]

All right, that's as clean
as it's gonna get.

Okay, well,
let's take a look.

[BOTH GROANING]

God, that's disgusting.

It's like Jeff and Audrey's
marriage in liquid form.

[GROANS]

And you were rolling
around in it.

[GROANS]

Yeah, thanks,
I forgot about that.

You know, I still think we might
have to get rid of the rug.

Unless we have sex on it.

Hmm. I don't know.

I mean, I've done
some dirty things.

Yes, we did.

I mean, there was
that truck stop bathroom.

Uh-- I don't remember that.

The locker room floor.
The locker room?

The back of that taco truck.
Okay, please stop.

Look, if we wanna try
to keep this thing,

it's our only chance.

[SIGHS]

Oh!

[GROANING]

This is gonna be worse
than that time

we did it
in the parking structure.

Still not me.

[***]

Oh, wow, this is great!

They have information
on adopting

from countries
all over the world.

It's like the international
food court at the mall,

but with babies
instead of gorditas.

[CHUCKLES]

Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Bingham, hi.

I'm Tom Wrigley,
director of the program.

Feel free to ask me
any questions you may have.

Oh, thank you so much.
Oh, I got a question.

Should we tell him that there's
a dead raccoon on his head?

When he turned around
I expected to see a tail.

[CHUCKLES]
Okay, no more of that.

That guy is very important.
Right?

If we decide to adopt,
all starts with him.

Okay.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

What did you just eat?

Uh, mini egg roll.

They had a bunch at the, uh,
bar mitzvah next door.

They're really doing it up
for Seth.

You said
you wouldn't embarrass us.

No, I said I'd try.
And I planned on eating before,

but you took so long
at the rug store

we didn't have time.

I only took so long
because I got no help from you.

Why expect
my husband to participate

in a decision
that affects us both?

Hey, I participate
when I care.

And like I told you before,
I don't care.

Then why say
you wanted a brown one?

Because you forced me to choose.
But to be honest,

it can be brown, yellow,
whatever.

Get a black one
for all I care.

I don't know how
you can be so blasé.

We're gonna have to live
with it for years.

Hey, I was fine
with the old one,

but you had to give it away.

Couldn't even let me sell it.

I beg your pardon.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave.

Huh?
Excuse me?

Adopting a child
is a serious decision.

And you don't sound like
the kind of people

who should be legally
allowed to do so.

I should call Social Services.
What?

Oh, you thought we were
talking about babies.

No, no, no, we were not talking
about a baby.

We were talking about a rug.
Not a baby, a rug.

Not-- Not your rug.
Not that you have a rug.

I mean, that very well
could be your own hair,

which is entirely possible,

and if it's not
it's totally undetectable.

Isn't that right, Jeff?

We're sorry
to have wasted your time.

Let's go, honey.

Oh, I've never been
so humiliated.

Oh, sure you have.

[***]

[WHISTLES]

Wee!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you on your balcony
tanning topless?

Yeah, way to put the melon
in melanoma.

Yeah.

[GROANS]

[CLATTERING]

Mr. Dunbar,
are you all right, sir?

Oh, Timmy, I'm so glad
you're here.

Can you hand me
those binoculars?

[TIMMY GROANS]

Yeah.

Oh! Got them.

All good. Got them.
Thank you.

[GROANS]

Whoo!

What on Earth
happened here, sir?

Oh, I had a little, uh, trouble
adjusting my chair.

Is this chick waving at me?

Was there a fire here, sir?

Timmy, you seem a little bit
flustered, all right?

This will perk you up.

Take a look
at this lady's ga-gas.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't wish to violate
the privacy

of some poor innocent woman

by ogling her
through binoculars.

Gay guy say what?

Sir, this place
is an absolute disaster.

You realize that,
don't you?

And here you were earlier,
mocking me

for implying
that you needed me.

All right, I'll say it.

I need you.

[INHALES]

Thank you.

To clean all this up.

Gotta go!

[***]

[SIGHS]

That was rough.

Yeah. Yeah, we were both
struggling pretty hard

not to be on the bottom.

You know what?

I am looking at this rug

and I am thinking
of what we did,

not of them.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Let me try.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I really feel like
we made it ours.

Yeah. And, honey, some day

someone is gonna be
sucking gallons

of our sludge
off of that.

Aw!
[CHUCKLES]

I'm gonna go
get ready for bed.

Okay.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[SIGHS]

Hey.
Hey.

We, uh, need the rug back.

Why?

Well, Audrey and I
couldn't agree on a new one

so roll her up.

Well, you're not gonna
want it.

Jen and I just threw it
a welcome bone party.

So now every time
that you look at this

you're gonna think of us
doing it.

Huh.

What you doing?
Seeing if I can edit you

out of that picture.

And I can, so roll it up.

Oh. Hey, Jeff.

Hey yourself, you.

[***]

[***]

Good to have you back,
old friend.

Looks even better
since we got the saps

down the hall
to clean it for us.

And, uh, the rug's fine
but you know what I'm thinking?

Something annoying?

I'm thinking we should, uh,

reupholster the couch
and chairs.

Hey, got it right
first guess.

But I'll make you a deal.

You can re-whatever
the furniture

if we re-christen the rug
right now.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm talking
about right here...

a little bit over here...

possibly finishing up
right about here.

[SNORING]

Mi, mi, mi.

[***]

[***]