Original subtitles

[***]

Good morning, Timmy.

Oh, a very good morning to you as well.

Do you know if this coffee is fresh?

If it were any fresher, you'd have to slap it.

[CHUCKLES]

That's funny, heh. Indeed.

Anyway, guess I'll see you around.

Yes.

And I wish you a peaceful Tuesday.

Peaceful? To offset the influence of Mars,

the god of war, for whom Tuesday is named.

Huh. How about that? Heh.

Wow. You hit her with the origin of Tuesday

and she's still not naked?

You're here. Clearly the shuttle to and from hell

is back up and running.

Rough way to treat your mentor.

Gum? No thanks.

No, I mean, gum.

So, uh, you likey the new girl.

What would make you say that, sir?

Well, please, your goggles are all fogged up

and you were smiling so big.

You looked like the Cleveland Indians' mascot.

Now then,

I do admit to being quite taken by Allison.

She has something I can't quite put my finger on.

Ah, she's not gonna let you put your finger on it

if you keep the days of the week fun facts coming.

Sir, not every romantic interaction begins with,

"You're not a cop, are you?" Hmm.

Listen, as your mentor-- You're not my mentor.

As your mentor, if you want to bag Allison

you gotta step into it a little bit.

Notch up the offensive.

I'm not trying to bag Allison, sir.

I'm trying to lay the groundwork for a relationship.

BOTH: Groundwork's all you'll be laying.

Whatever. Good one.

I know chicks like this.

They're librarian on the outside.

But inside's a sexy vixen waiting for you to bust her out.

Save your breath, sir. I'd sooner take romantic advice

from Mr. Eldrick "Tiger" Woods.

Ouch. If I've offended, I apologize.

Which might in fact be an opening for you to apologize

for all your offensive comments.

Hmm? No? Didn't think so.

Ha-ha!

What are you doing at Timmy's computer?

Sending an e-mail to that chick from Timmy.

But Timmy's not here.

Has anyone ever successfully explained something to you?

Lots of times.

Great. I'm sending it because he doesn't know

how to close the deal.

As his mentor-- Uh, you're not his mentor.

I'm his mentor, all right?

I'm giving him a little poetic assistance.

"And lick the vanilla icing off your sweet rack"?

I wanted to go romantic.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

* How many ways To say I love you *

* How many ways to say That I'm not scared *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denying *

* I can't wait For me and you *

[***]

Oh, jeez. Hm.

[CROWD CHEERING ON TV]

Oh, by the way, I found my other rollerblade,

so you can disregard my email.

You'll never guess where I found it.

I never will.

Look, you and I have hung out a lot today.

Yeah. So, uh...

Can I finish my beer? How much is left?

[BEER SLOSHING FAINTLY]

It's, like, less than half. Fine.

I'm on hold with the people from that Pilates studio.

They say I'm not signed up for class.

You mailed that check? No. I'm sorry. It's right here.

How could you forget that?

It was weeks ago.

Yeah, I'm still here.

Um, I owe you an apology.

Oh, man, looks like doghouse city for you.

I'm gonna be fine.

How do you figure? Audrey had the same look Jen had

when she found my rollerblade in her bubble bath.

See, whenever Aud screws up,

instead of getting mad and shoving it in her face

I just deposit it into this handy file.

The bank.

The bank? Tsk.

That's right. Then when I screw up

I withdraw one of her old screw-ups

to neutralize her anger.

Seems petty and manipulative.

Thanks.

Great, you didn't mail that check

and now there are no more spots left in the class.

You'd never forget a check to the beer of the month club.

First of all, I have that on autopay, and...

You know, I said I was sorry. And people forget things.

Just by way of random example. Uh, a few weeks ago

uh, you forgot to return that Mamma Mia! DVD.

And by the time we found it

in the couch cushions, we owned it.

For 80 bucks.

Well, that was--

A similar incident? Sure. But I only bring it up

to show that people aren't perfect.

That's true. I don't think I even got mad.

No, you were actually pretty understanding.

So I guess this is, like, a teachable moment.

You're right. I'm sorry I got upset.

[MOUTHS]

Apology accepted.

Anyway, I'm going to the dry cleaners.

Want me to pick you up a pizza? I'll end the suspense. Yes.

Bye.

She stopped being mad, and she's gonna get you a pizza?

Thank you for banking with us, Mr. Bingham.

Oh, man, I gotta try this with Jen.

Well, I'm glad I could help.

Anyways, um,

I think we both know what this means.

[***]

Ah, good morning, my paid friend.

Yes, I'll just note that 2:15 is now part of the morning.

So make any progress with Allison? Hmm?

She give you a shout-out on the old email machine, hmm?

No. Really?

Yes. And before you tell me

to notch up the offensive or step into it

or put something on a rag and make her smell it,

I've got it under control.

Oh, fine. Far be it from me to get involved.

Yes, it be far.

I'm gonna take a little break.

You've certainly earned it.

Make sure you're back by 3:10 or you'll miss quitting time.

Oh, hey there.

Allison is it?

Uh, right. Hello, Mr. Dunbar.

Hey. I don't think I've given you

my official welcome to the company.

I have mace.

Jeez, relax.

Sorry. It's just, I've heard some stories.

Oh, yeah? Well, some of them are probably exaggerated.

For all you know.

So having a little tea? Yes.

You know, speaking of tea, uh,

it usually comes from faraway places, like Asia,

and darker in color than, say, milk.

You know my assistant, Timmy, right?

I'm familiar with his work.

I think he likes you. OMG alert.

Yes, he's made that abundantly clear.

Ah.

Well, do you like him?

[CHUCKLES]

I know he's no Tom Cruise. I mean, we know.

He's got the goofy specs,

built like Mr. Salty, but he's a sweet kid.

Well, I thought so, but, uh-- But what?

Well, yesterday, he sent me this e-mail

that was just so shocking. Ah. --ly good?

--ly disgusting.

Turns out he's a total pig. And an idiot.

Why is he an idiot?

Well, to start, he spelled "straddle"

with Ts instead of Ds.

It's Ds?

It was like being sexually harassed by a fourth grader.

Well, maybe when he was a kid he was dyslexic.

But his parents didn't notice because they were too busy

self-medicating with gin and cough syrup.

Using their friends as pawns in their games of sexual chess.

Well, that might excuse his near-literacy.

With that ugly attitude

he'll never have any sort of meaningful relationship.

Sorry. I guess those are tough words to hear about your friend.

Yeah, my friend.

[***]

Hey, hon, back from the store.

Oh, great, just in time. Let me have the milk.

Oh, yeah.

You forgot the milk?

I just reminded you 15 minutes ago.

It was the one thing I asked for.

Oh, yeah? Well.

How about the time we were broken up

and you had sex with your ex-boyfriend, huh?

What? Did you actually just say that?

Yeah.

It-- It shows that we all make mistakes.

This isn't a teachable moment, is it?

[***]

[SHOWER RUNNING]

JEFF: * We are the champions *

* We are the champions *

* No time for losers *

* 'Cause we are the champions *

* Of the world *

Jeff.

Yeah?

Want in on this?

No, I'm good. I was on the computer

trying to cancel the check for that Pilates class.

When I came upon a little file called Bank.

Did you? Yeah.

Still feel like the champion of the world?

[***]

[***]

A file?

You keep a file of every mistake I have made over the years?

I'm sure I've missed a few. I'm not perfect.

Oh, my God. Every time when you were so understanding,

it was just a ploy.

I learned early that if you screwed up

and I called you on it you'd just get madder.

I'd get nothing out of it.

Why do you have to get something out of it?

Why can't you just be kind and understanding?

That would be fine in a world of fairies and magic bunnies.

This is marriage we're talking about.

It's a constant series of battles won and lost.

Look, how would you feel if I stored up your screw-ups, huh?

Like when you forgot to pick me up at the airport.

Or that time you forgot your credit card at the strip club.

Tsk, well, I mean, first of all,

those are technically part of the same incident.

And, uh, secondly,

it sounds to me like you do store those up.

No, I just happen to remember them.

I don't log them into my hard drive.

Enjoy the guest room. You're the one

telling me I should write stuff down

so I don't forget. You should be proud!

[DOOR SLAMS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I think my bank needs a bailout.

[***]

You sent this email to a woman, an actual human woman?

Yeah, dude.

That always works for me. Oh, really?

"I want to lick vanilla icing off your lady bumps."

That stuff only works on your particular brand of skank.

Don't think you can play cupid

just because you're the same height.

I'm sorry, is this coming from two guys

who spent last night spooning on a couch

because their chicks gave them the boot?

We were not spooning, okay?

Jeff was in the guest room, I was on the couch.

Till 4:00 a.m. I heard a noise! I got scared!

So sad. Good day, gents.

JEFF AND ADAM: Hey, Timmy. Hmm? What's that?

"Join us for breakfast." Thanks for asking, but I can't.

You see, this is the morning I make my move

on the enchanting Allison. Mm-hm.

How's it work? Do you visit the father's hut,

swing a chicken around?

No. I am bringing her something

that comes close to matching her in sweetness.

RUSSELL: Oh, no. A cupcake.

Uh, chocolate? Vanilla.

Well then, wish me luck.

Hmm? No? Nothing? That's fine. Silent prayers then.

He got her a vanilla cupcake.

It's too perfect.

No, it's not perfect, man. You gotta stop him.

He's walking into a buzz saw.

All right, you guys are probably right.

Could be the most humiliating experience of his life.

I should stop it. I'm responsible.

I gotta be the one-- Yay. Pancakes!

[***]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Knock, knock. Timmy.

I bring sweets for the sweet.

Oh. I thought if I ignored you,

you'd get the message, but apparently not.

Have I done something to offend you?

Really? You have no idea about the poem

you emailed me titled Points of Entry?

Allison, I didn't send you an e-mail.

Then what's this?

[TYPING]

Mr. Dunbar. What about him?

He sent that.

You have to believe me. Why should I?

Allison, I was first in my class at Oxford.

Do you really think I'd spell "pelvis" with two Ls?

I guess not.

And I did think it was odd you misspelled "finish."

No, that's actually correct.

It refers to an apparatus he ordered from Finland.

But I assure you, I would never disrespect you

or any other woman with this language.

It's such a relief to know

you're still the charming gentleman I thought you were.

And an even greater relief to hear you call me charming.

You are. You're certainly not the kind of person

that would want to watch me do this with a jar of that.

[CLEAR THROAT] Goodness, no. Um...

And, you know, I'm certainly far too refined

to even suggest that we try that.

How can you do that?

That's what the Helsinki harness is for.

But if we were to complete that act,

one can see how it would

segue very nicely into, uh...

Oh, into that right there in all caps.

It all seems so forbidden...

and naughty.

Naughty indeed.

[ALLISON GASPS]

[***]

Hey, honey. Hooray. You're here.

Look, I feel really bad about last night.

So I brought you a little something.

That's cute.

I know this doesn't make up for what I said.

But I thought it might get us 2 percent closer.

[CHUCKLES]

You're such a dork.

I'm really sorry.

It was just so harsh and out of nowhere.

I know. I mean, see, Jeff said--

Oh, my God, I knew this smelled like him.

You know, lately so does the elevator.

Look, we don't need his relationship tricks.

I know, and to be honest

I'm not upset you slept with Serge when we broke up.

You shouldn't be. I have got no right to complain

because that week I slept with my ex and her friend.

Oh, look, we have another carton right here in the door.

Brain fart.

[***]

JEFF: I'd like the apartment to be bigger too,

but I don't think that's gonna do it.

I'm stretching. Something I was hoping to do in Pilates.

Speaking of which.

You got me into the class? I did.

It was full. How'd you do that?

You know anything about scoliosis?

No.

Read up, because the Pilates people think you have it.

Are you still mad about, you know?

No, I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.

I don't want to be a couple who fights like that,

all calculating, storing stuff up, using it later.

Tell you what, how about from now on--

Oh, I agree, no more fighting.

Well, that's a little pie in the sky. Uh...

I was gonna say how about we just fight

about what we're fighting about at the time.

Okay.

Let's start by deleting the bank.

All right, and I'll get rid of this too.

[SIGHS]

[THUMP]

[SIGHS]

You printed it out?

You gotta have backup of all your important files.

Let's say the computer crashes. Are we gonna not fight?

Oh, you've been saving this stuff up

since I spilled gravy on your tuxedo?

I wasn't gonna yell at you on our wedding day.

August '98, dropped new camera into the Grand Canyon.

You wouldn't wear the strap

because it clashed with your stupid purse.

Is what I didn't say at the time.

"June '06, paid for insurance

"on rental car when credit card covered anyway.

"January '09,

asked for a bite of my sandwich, took three."

Wow.

[LAUGHS] We have had some good times.

Yes, we have.

You know, maybe we shouldn't destroy this.

No?

We don't take a lot of pictures.

Camera. Grand Canyon.

Right. It's pretty much the, uh,

only record of our life together.

A scrapbook of our marriage.

Or evidence for our divorce.

Who knows where this crazy ride's gonna take us.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, I, uh, recorded Gran Torino in the bedroom.

You want to go watch it? Yeah, sure.

Oh, Um, I think my Oprahs bumped it off the TiVo.

No problem. Uh, we'll watch something else.

I'll be right in. I'm gonna get some chips.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

[***]

[***]

The Office Depot people

never let on quite how versatile this baby was.

When they called it a five-position chair,

I think they missed a few.

Oh, now I think it's for the best

if Mr. Dunbar never learns the role he played

in prompting this most recent activity.

We wouldn't want to encourage his involvement.

Agreed. In fact, let's delete that e-mail right now.

Good idea.

[SIGHS] Oh, and Allison.

Print out a copy first?

You read my mind.

[***]

[***]