All language subtitles for Rules.Of.Engagement.S02E13.Russells.Fathers.Son.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-DAWN_track3_[eng]

[***]

How great would it be
if I cracked this open

and a chicken flew out?

That'd be unbelievable.

We'd be talking
about it forever.

Plus, I'd sue this place
for millions,

buy a house in the woods,
maybe a boat.

Aw, man. Why didn't
I order an egg?

And plus, I'll have
to grow some corn.

Why?
Feed the million-dollar chicken.

That's my boy.

So this is an actual
conversation?

Hey. You're the one who's always
asking what I'm thinking about.

Heh. Not anymore.

[GROANS]

I just talked
to the landlord.

He said we have to pay
to replace the broken sink.

He has to pay for
normal wear and tear.

I don't think what we did

qualifies as "normal"
wear and tear,

if you know
what I mean. Heh.

We had sex on it.

They knew what you meant.
I know.

I just wanted to say it.

Sex on the sink?

How does that happen?

We were getting ready for work,
sharing a mirror, and...

You guys know how it is.
Mm.

Nothing says "take me"

like the sight of spit
and used dental floss.

Anyway, now they have to
turn the water off

for the whole bathroom
for a couple days.

Look, I know it's
weird to ask, but...

No, of course you can
use our bathroom.

Audrey, I don't think
she was gonna ask

to use our bathroom.

Actually, yeah,
I was.

Really?

Pretty bold.

AUDREY:
Would be our pleasure.

I'm sure you guys
would do the same for us.

Oh, like we're ever
gonna have sex on our sink.

Like a chicken's ever going
to fly out of your egg.

Hey. Look at
the getup.

Look like a banker
in a bad porno.

Like there's such a thing
as a bad porno.

Well, yeah, that one you
lent us last week was bad.

Us? We didn't watch
any porno.

Were-- Were you
not there?

Listen, the nerd costume's
for my dad.

He's making his annual visit
to the New York office, so...

So you're trying to trick him

into thinking you actually
give a crap about your job?

Bingo, Mongo.
Give him a cookie.

Whatever it takes to keep
the trust fund a-flowing.

Yeah, 'cause that's,
like, 50 percent

of what makes you
attractive to women.

Oh. Don't be polite.

We all know it's
more like 90.

I don't buy
it's just about money.

I think you actually want
your dad's approval.

Audrey, you can't
stuff approval

in a stripper's
G-string.

Well, actually,
to a stripper,

uh, money is approval.

Oh, thanks,
Professor Horndog.

Thanks, honey.

Well, I'm gonna eat
breakfast at the office,

impress the old man
with my work "ethic." Heh.

If I get there before 11,
do I have to have someone

let me in the building, or--?

I'm good.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

* How many ways
To say, "I love you?" *

* How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? *

* With you by my side *

* There is no denyin' *

* I can't wait
For me and you *

[***]

There you go.

Time for your 11:30
stretching session.

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe today we'll both
pull a muscle.

[TELEPHONE INTERCOM BEEPS]
SECRETARY: Mr. Dunbar,

your father's on his way up.

Ah...

All right. Uh, just send
him in when he gets here.

[WHISTLES]

Yeah. Damn it, O'Malley,

if you can't get the job done,
I'm giving it to Hannigan!

Good day, sir!

Oh, hey, Dad.

Russell. Look at you.
[CHUCKLES]

Ah, hey.

You're getting so big.

Yeah.

I tell you,
the development business

ain't what it
used to be. Heh-heh.

How so?

Oh. Uh...well,

O'Malley and Hannigan
and the buildings,

and, uh...
And all that...

Democrats-- Hey,
so how was your flight?

Great.

I told my pilot
to dump the waste tank

on your mother's
apartment building.

Extremely satisfying.

You know who's gonna
love that story?

My therapist.

Let's walk.

So, uh-- So, what
brings you to New York?

Uh, business, or just
the special delivery to Mom?

Well...we're bidding on

some projects
in Shanghai,

so we're making
a PR video.

You know, to introduce
Dunbar Worldwide

to their local
business community.

Uh, Shanghai is
a great market,

but you know where the real
estate is still undervalued?

Guangdong.

[SNICKERS]

[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
Guangdong.

I was thinking of
exploring Guangdong.

[CHUCKLING SLOWLY STOPS]

That's not a real
place, is it?

Guangdong is a place?
Yeah, it is.

You know, and it's--

We should be exploring it.

That's a nice
observation, uh...?

Adam. Adam Rhodes.

Franklin Dunbar.

Yeah, Adam's, uh--
Adam's my guy.

I hired him, trained him,
took him under my wing.

Oh.

You must've had to
duck down pretty low.

[ALL LAUGH]

All right. I get it, I get it.
I had that coming. Okay.

Well, it's an honor
to finally meet you, sir.

And I think I read something
about you in the paper.

What was it?
Ah, it's a damn paternity suit.

Oh, sorry.
No, no, no, that's okay.

I beat it.

So, what's that put
your record at? Five and one.

Now, son, we've been
over this.

Just because I went to court

to try and prove
you weren't mine

doesn't mean I don't love you.

I know.

I mean, the appeal
hurt a little bit, but...

Come on, come on.
Put 'em up!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Okay.

You see, Adam? You see the kind
of fun my boy and I have?

Yes, sir.
Come on, let's walk.

You really are doing some
good work here, Russell.

Say, there's a property
down on Reade Street

I'm supposed to
acquire.

Run down there
and check it out for me.

Me? Really?

Yes. I'd like
your opinion.

Oh. Well, you know this whole
Hannigan-Flanagan thing

just blew up in my face.

But, uh...yeah, sure,
I'll go.

Knew I could
count on you.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Oh. Excuse me.

Yeah?
Wow.

He's finally giving you
some responsibility.

I know. I kind of
overshot that one a bit.

I like to inherit
my money, not earn it.

Cut the act.
You gotta feel good.

He's seeing you
differently.

Ah, I don't want
to get my hopes up.

That was
the video director.

I've gotta go
powwow with him.

Adam, great to meet you.
Oh, same here, sir.

And Russell, let's go
to dinner tonight.

Yeah.
You like sushi?

No, ac--
Great. Yamashiro's it is.

[***]

[SHOWER WATER RUNNING]

Oh, really?
Come on.

Oh, which one of 'em's
in there?

Mm, Jen.
Again?

She showered yesterday.

She have some sort
of disorder?

She got in there really early.

Aren't you usually
dressed by now?

Yeah. Usually.
But you're not

because you opened up
our bathroom

to the general public.

It's fine.

You hate being late for work.
This has gotta bug you.

Look, it's just till
they get their sink.

This is what you do
for friends.

Doesn't seem worth it.

Thanks again, guys.
You're welcome.

I'm gonna get dressed, and
then off to look at sinks.

Great. Don't be afraid to
pick the first one you see.

You know that old saying:
Pick the first sink you see.

See you later.

Finally.
No way!

Me first!
Hey. Move it, Jeff.

That is,
um--

Oh, my God.
Oh, what the hell?

This is a mess.

She didn't turn the fan on.
It's all steamy in here.

How am I supposed to shave?

You shaved last night.

We got lucky this time.

I gotta get
in the shower.

Oh-ho, look. She finished
the toilet paper

and didn't replace
the roll.

Yeah, if she left
the toilet seat up,

she'd be an honorary dude.

I'll just...clean
all this up. Ew.

I'm gonna go talk to her.

No. No, no,
no, no, no. You can't.

You're gonna do it?
No.

Just-- I don't want
things to be weird.

You serious? You're not gonna
say anything about this?

Jeff, it's nothing.

Nothing? If I left
the bathroom like this,

you'd call
a divorce lawyer.

There's no more
hot water.

[SHUTS WATER OFF]
I'm just gonna shower

at the gym.
You know what your problem is?

You can't be mad at anybody
in the world except for me.

What?

You can't tell them
how you feel

because you need to be liked.

And it's no risk to
yell at me

because legally,
I have to love you.

You know what, Jeff?

You're making me late for work,
and this bathroom is a mess.

Why don't you
clean it up?

[SIGHS]

Legally...I have to
love her.

[***]

Oh, Adam,
there you are.

Oh, Mr. Dunbar.

Russell back
from Reade Street yet?

Not yet.
Good.

Uh, let's walk.

Oh, and I, uh, prepared
a folder on Guangdong for you.

Ooh, great.

Oh, by the way,
I read your proposal

on the seaport
project.

We're going to make
each other rich.

Me more so than you.
Sounds great.

So, what can I do
for you?

Well, we're shooting
this PR video,

and I could use
your help.

You're gonna be
on camera a little.

Seriously?
Yes.

You represent everything
Dunbar stands for.

You're clean-cut, wholesome,
and you're smart.

Thank you, sir.
Mm-hm.

[EXCITED]
I get to be in a movie.

So I think we'll
just take it

from the top of
that last speech.

Okay. So, what do you
want me to do?

I want you to sit at
this desk here and act busy.

And when I come over, I'll put
my hand on your shoulder,

you simply look at
the camera and smile.

Okay.

Oh.

[SLATE SNAPS]

As Dunbar Worldwide joins
the Shanghai marketplace,

let me assure you we share
the same core values:

honor, tradition and family.

After all, we are
a family business.

I took it over from my father,

and one day, I'll pass
it on to my son...

Russell.

What?

Cut.

All right, let's try that
one more time.

Except this time...
big smile.

[***]

[***]

Oh. You're kidding.

Russell's dad had you play
his son instead of Russell?

Yeah.

Why, 'cause you're
good-looking?

You think he's good-looking?

Little soft for my taste.

It's not just about this,
you know.

I mean, he thinks I'm really
smart and I have good ideas.

Wow.

Russell's dad
has Alzheimer's.

Maybe the old guy just
wants to get in your pants.

And if you know what's
good for your career...

you'll let him.
[SNICKERS]

You know, I'm just worried

that when Russell finds out
what his dad did,

he'll be really hurt.

Wow.

It's weird to think Russell's
capable of emotion.

Wait, is horny
an emotion?

I mean, he acts like he doesn't
care what his dad thinks,

but I know he does.

Every son wants to make
his father proud.

I cinched that in third grade
when I beat up a fifth-grader

for making fun of
my chest hair.

I don't think Russell could
beat up a fifth-grader now.

Or grow chest hair.

What should I do? I mean,
you think I should tell him?

Well, is he ever
gonna see the video?

Probably not. It's--
It's only in China.

Yeah, so maybe I'll just
keep my mouth shut, huh?

That's a pretty good rule
of thumb for you in general.

Oh, hey, Jen, how was
uh, sink shopping?

It was kind of
overwhelming.

You wouldn't believe how many
different types they have.

Undermount,
console, vessel.

Did you find anything
you like? Did you buy one?

Hey, we're not
putting you guys out?

'Cause we don't want
to do that.

No. Absolutely...
not.

No. We're happy
to help.

Well...I did find
one I liked.

What do you think
of this one?

Oh, it's really nice.
I like the brushed nickel.

You think it's worth
the three-week back order?

Well...

I do. I mean...

you're welcome to
continue using

our bathroom
while you wait.

Right, Audrey?
Yeah.

As long as you
need it.

I'll order this one. Thanks.

Well, if it isn't
Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Is that another
new suit?

Yes, it is. Good eye.

You know, Franklin's finally
coming around,

putting a little trust in me,
and I plan on showing him

I can handle any work
he needs me to do.

Hey, by the way, how'd that
property on Reade Street look?

Ah, crap.

[***]

Audrey, guess who hit
the game-winning home run?

You?

No, no.

Allison, the team's
token chick.

It's-- It's
not news

when I do it.
Hm.

Mwah.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Audrey,
look who's here,

dripping on
your hardwood floor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-it's fine, I'll--
I'll wipe it up.

Of course you will.

Are you wearing
Jen's robe?

Uh, no, we each have one.

You have matching
robes?

They're not. The initials
are different.

You have initials?

No, I-I--
Just stop.

Look, thanks for the shower.
And by the way,

that tingly shampoo
was great.

You used my tea tree
shampoo?

Isn't that the stuff

you have to special order?
Uh-huh.

What a great thing
to share with friends.

Anyway, thanks.
Hey.

Remember to tell Jennifer
about that tea bag shampoo.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Just stop it.

Just stop trying
to make me upset.

I'm just trying to get you
to stand up for yourself

and let them know
that you're upset.

I-- Well, if it
bothered me I would,

but it doesn't
bother me at all.

Well, fine.
Whatever.

All right, I'm gonna go
take a shower.

So maybe you can join me
and wash my back.

Hm. And by "your back,"
you mean "my boobs," right?

Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.

And by the way,
nice po-tah-toes.

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

Well, they sure are
anti-fan, aren't they?

AUDREY:
Are you kidding me?

"I wub woo?"

The mess is one thing,

but sending baby-talk
love messages to each other?

The Robe Twins
officially suck.

Yes, they do.
This is too much.

It is.
I should say something.

You should.
I will.

You will?
Yes.

There you go.
That's my girl.

Let's get in that shower
so you can wash my back.

Both of 'em.

[***]

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

Hey. What's going on?

Ah. Old man went
to the airport.

I can finally get back
into my own skin.

Ah, hello, man necklace.
I've missed you, old friend.

[CHUCKLES]

So the visit was a success?

Yeah, you know.

Pretty sure I got parasites
from the sushi,

but...it's the cost
of doing business.

So you're...happy?

Back to same old Russell?

Yeah.

Great.

Hey. Check out this DVD

I yoinked from
the mailroom.

It's that PR video
my dad shot.

You don't want to
watch that.

Oh, yeah, I do. These things
are always hi-lariously bad.

Hey. You want--?
You want a tuna melt?

I mean, I could-- I could go
for a tuna melt right now, huh?

No, dude,
I wanna watch this.

FRANKLIN:
As Dunbar Worldwide

joins the Shanghai marketplace,

let me assure you we share
the same core values...

Ow. Dude, watch the unit.

You can't watch this.

Dude, why not?

Because...
[SIGHS]

...I'm in it.

Excellent. I bet you stare
in the camera like an idiot.

No, Russell.
Your dad had me play you.

What?

Yeah, he wanted to highlight
the family angle,

so...he thought my face
was better for the company.

So he had you play his son?

I'm sorry, yeah.

Ugh.

Well, I can't say that's not
the first time this happened.

When I was 10,
he hired an actor

to play me on the family
Christmas card.

Really?

Yeah.

Worst part:
It was Jodie Foster.

All right, well, let's
take a look anyway.

Look, hey, don't--
Don't do this to yourself.

You know, I mean,
just because your dad

thinks the world
of me, huh,

doesn't mean that he thinks
any less of you.

Let's take
a look anyway.

After all,
we are a family business.

I took it over
from my father,

and one day, I'll
pass it on to my son...

Russell.

Oh. Who the hell
is that?

[LAUGHS]

That's Ethan,
the water delivery guy.

I-I-- I don't under--
Understand.

[LAUGHING]
He replaced you too, dude.

No, but he-- He liked me, man.
I came up with Guangdong.

[CHORTLES]

Oh, my dad nearly sucker-
punched you in the nards.

Wow. I-- I mean,
I feel like...

Like you got sucker-punched
in the nards. I love it.

[IMITATING ADAM]
I'm Adam.

Franklin Dunbar likes me.
He thinks the world of me.

Guangdong, bang a gong.

I-- I prepared a folder
and everything.

Look, I know
how you feel.

Sure, it hurts now,
but over time,

you'll learn to turn that pain
into biting sarcasm,

which you'll use
to hurt others.

Come on, I'll buy you a beer.
All right, thanks.

I-- I can't help but thinking,
What about me didn't he like?

What did I do wrong?

That's exactly what
I asked Jodie Foster.

[***]

Hey, you remember
that DVD

those idiots claimed
we never sent back?

And then we raised hell and got
that customer service guy fired?

You better not tell me
you found it.

Don't try to spin this
into bad news.

We own Nacho Libre
free and clear.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Hey guys. Is it okay
if I take a shower?

I thought you were going to--
Sure, yeah. Go ahead.

[COUGHS]
Chicken.

And good news.

The sink came in early, and
it's being installed tomorrow.

And since you guys
have been so great...

Oh, you didn't
have to do that.

Oh, my favorite:
alcohol.

It's a 2003
Saint-Exupéry.

Oh, this is really
expensive.

Oh, it's the least
we can do

for how great you guys
have been to us.

I just hope we weren't
an imposition.

No. No,
not at all.

So nice to know
we have such good friends.

Hey, look, you lost
your nerve,

but we got a nice bottle
of wine out of the deal.

So maybe you were right
in not saying anything.

Yeah.

I-- I didn't say
anything.

Meaning what?

Meaning ...I might
have left

a little message
on the mirror.

You might have?

JENNIFER: Hey!
I did.

"Stop messing up
our bathroom, sinkhumpers?"

[LAUGHS]

Jeff. How could you?

Really? You're good.

[***]

[***]

Ah, yes. Nice to see
everything

back to
neat and tidy.

Mm-hm. Yes, it is.

And again, thank you for
taking the bullet for me.

Speaking of
taking the bullet...

[LAUGHS]
I know. I owe you.

Why don't you
go wait in the bedroom,

and I'll just
finish up here?

Yeah, that's not how
this is gonna go down.

Oh!

What are you doing?

I think you know
what I'm doing.

AUDREY [GIGGLING]:
Uh--! Ow! Watch the faucet.

[LOUD CRASH]

[WATER RUNNING]

JEFF:
Sorry.

Funny story.

[***]

[***]