Original subtitles

So that's the story, men.

We gotta catch this clever, notorious

international jewel thief.

Or he'll give the neighborhood a bad name.

whoosh

screech

A hole in, uh..

Duh, one.

[theme song]

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close friends get to call him TC ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The indisputable leader of the gang ♪

♪ He's the boss he's a pip he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip-top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip-top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

[Patrick whistling]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Anchovies, mushrooms

tomatoes, mozzarella.

Someone is playing my song.

But I can't join in the chorus on an empty pocket.

This calls for a financial report from the membership.

[drums music]

And the six ball off the ten into, like, uh, the side pocket.

[drums music]

Huh?

[beeping]

Gotta cut, fellas. Like, all the balls in all the pockets.

I'll, like, uh, dig you later.

I'm a stranger in town, my dear.

And I wonder if you'd direct me to your apartment.

[drums music]

Huh?

[beeping]

Excuse me. My call service is paging me.

Don't move. I want to remember you just as you are.

thud

Hmm! Men, they're all alike.

Come, come, Fancy.

You used to have the fastest

goodbye kiss on the East Side.

And you, Choo-Choo, what kept you?

Cross-town traffic. I had to travel against the current.

One, two, three, four.

Alright, someone is absent.

'Whoever it is, hold up their hand.'

Uh, it's Benny, TC.

(Top Cat) 'It's always Benny.'

'Who saw him last?'

I saw him, TC. At the museum last night.

- The museum? Benny? - Yeah.

There's a new exhibit they're working on with a big sign.

- "Watch this space." - 'Yeah?'

So, Benny was just standing there.

- Watching the space. - Watching the space.

- Sure. When was this? - Around closing time.

Say, maybe he got locked in.

I just hope he didn't wind up in a jar of alcohol.

(Benny) 'Here I am, Top Cat.'

Shh.

(Top Cat) 'Well, the missing link himself.'

What's wrong with your foot, and why are we whispering?

My foot's asleep.

I don't wanna wake it up

unless it's important.

He don't wanna wake up his foot unless it's important.

How about that? Listen, you kooks.

Have I ever called a meeting in the middle of the afternoon

if it wasn't important?

'Well, have I?'

Never mind. Just face into the wind and sniff.

[sniffing]

'All together now, once more.'

[all sniffing]

(in unison) Ahh.

Hey, that smells great.

Man, like, uh, 2000 calories.

Indescribably delicious.

[sniffing]

Yum-yum!

Uh, somebody tell me what I'm missing.

My sinuses is clogged, all eight of them.

Pizza. Nice, hot, appetizing pizza.

Pizza? Gee, you make my ears water.

Good, now how would everybody like

old Top Cat to treat you to all the pizza you can eat?

- Hey, swell! - That's great, TC.

Good, good. Alright, now let's see how much money I have.

Who's first to feed Top Cat's kitty?

(Choo-Choo) 'I got only 20 cents, TC.'

Well, it's the thought that counts, Chooch.

And how much are you thinking of donating, Fancy?

I got a quarter, but I'm saving it for sentimental reasons.

Yeah, well, I'm sentimental. What are your reasons?

I'm, uh, saving for a diamond engagement ring.

What? You, the tabby hunter of 10th Avenue.

Giving girls engagement rings?

I wasn't planning to give it.

I was just gonna tease them with it.

Yeah, well, pay now, ply later.

- Spook? - Sorry, dad. Uh, flatsburg.

Like, uh, make the scene without me.

Don't be silly, boy.

When Top Cat pays, we all eat.

Brain, how much are you subscribing to the pizzathon?

- Uh, how much do you need? - How much do you have?

Uh, counting my lucky dime, uh, 13 cents.

(Top Cat) 'Thirteen is an unlucky number.'

'Get rid of that hoodoo.'

Does that put us over the top, TC?

It doesn't even put us over the bottom, Chooch.

And speaking of the bottom, we now come to Benny the Ball.

- Will you take a nickel, TC? - Get the lead out.

Sixty-three cents. Just enough, counting sales tax.

Benny, don't move!

'Shoo! Scat! Scram!'

What is it, TC?

Some kind of poisonous looking bug. I think I killed it.

Uh, it was just a nice old ladybug.

Now it'll rain.

Man, like, I never saw a ladybug that big.

Maybe it's a black widow.

(Top Cat) 'No, you're both wrong.'

'It's some sort of costume jewelry'

'that some joker hung on Benny for a laugh.'

Hey, yeah. Like, dig all that gold.

It's probably an emerald.

No, it's only paste and brass.

Probably made in occupied China.

'Sure. Look at all that foreign propaganda on the bottom.'

'Here, Fancy. Tease your girlfriends with this.'

You mean, I should tell them it is emerald?

Please, even your fiances aren't that stupid.

Tell them it's a rare beetle cut chartreuse diamond.

Now, where was I?

You were taking us all to dinner, TC.

Oh, yeah, alright, now pay attention, lads

while I explain the rules

of our free pizza eating contest.

Uh, I still don't understand

how TC can feed us all for nothing.

Read the sign, man. Like, uh, read the sign.

It says, "All you can eat for 60 cents."

Uh, yeah, but TC said he'd return our original investment.

(Fancy) 'Hiya, fellas. How do I look?'

(Brain) 'Uh, hiya, Fancy.'

'And how's an old derby, sunglasses'

and a broken billiard cue

gonna help get us a free lunch?

Man, like, if TC told us it was gonna rain soup

you'd only bring a fork.

You gotta, like, believe all the way.

Excuse me,signore

aren't you who owns this pizzeria?

Right you are, laddie boy.

And what is it your dear hearts cry out for?

The anchovy, mushroom, or pepperoni?

You're Pedro?

[chuckles] Short for Patrick.

[chuckles] You're hungry, I take it?

Whist, it's not for myself I'm asking.

I'm only the advance agent for Dunkel Heimburger.

Dunkel Heimburger?

(Top Cat) 'I see the name is familiar, lad.'

'That's right, Dunkel Heimburger.'

Syndicated newspaper columnist.

The world's best-trained gourmet.

'And number one comparison food shopper.'

- Dunkel Heimburger? - Oh, you are lucky.

Open just a few hours and already your establishment

is about to become a mecca for pizza lovers.

[speaking in foreign language]

You mean, Mr. Heimburger might write my place up?

Play your pizzas right, and tomorrow morning, lad

your tomato sauce could be splashed

all over the front page.

Of course, Dunkel is particular.

Your pies must have lots offreniky.

"Freniky," you say? Is it anything like garlic?

No."Freniky" is a French word used by gourmets.

It means containg, uh..

snap snap

Well, I could only tell if your pizzas have it

if I sample some.

Would you, now?

Just a bite to see

if they have enoughfreniky.

Me? Oh, I couldn't. It's unethical.

Dunkel Heimburger likes to keep an open palate.

I wouldn't tell him you told me.

What part of the old sod are you from, lad?

'Lough of Glendougal in old County Down.'

[speaking in foreign language]

My grandmother came from right next door

in old County Up.

- Oh, really? - No, O'Brien.

[laughing]

TC has sure been in there a long time.

Yeah, I'm hungry.

He's on his fifth pizza.

It's his sixth, but who counts?

Uh, maybe he forgot about us.

TC wouldn't forget us. He's got our money.

And the lucky dime makes 63.

Mr. Heimburger likes to pay in advance.

So if the food disagrees with him, he can stalk out.

Of course, now that I've helped sort out

the pizzas withfreniky, you'll have no trouble.

Serving the famous Dunkel Heimburger is an honor.

Let's make it, uh, on the house.

(Top Cat) 'You are persuasive.'

Well, I'll send Dunkel right in.

But don't tell him I alerted you or bother him for autographs.

'You know the Irish. Very close mouthed.'

Oh, uh, I forgot.

Sometimes after Dunkel's had a few pizzas

he likes to stroll around the block and rest his stomach.

But if he fancies your pies, he'll be back to sample more.

I could almost guarantee it.

How will I recognize Mr. Heimburger?

'Well, he wears a derby hat'

'scarf, dark glasses, and he carries a cane.'

I couldn't make up my mind

whether I liked the sausage or meatball pizzas best.

So, I had one more of each.

Okay, Spook, your turn to be Dunkel Heimburger.

Bon appetite!

The cane!

Like, uh, thanks, dad.

Meatball in the side pocket.

When do I get my turn, TC?

I'm hungry.

You ate just 15 minutes ago, Benny.

Ain't you got no sense of time?

Sure, TC.

But my stomach can't tell time.

Oh, that's good, Benny boy. Very, very good.

Let me see now. Did I return everybody's money?

Yeah, TC, then you won it all back from us

playing heads or tails.

Yeah, Brain, this is a lucky coin

you have here, alright.

Would you chaps care to pitch pennies on credit for a while?

And how did you rather fancy

the red-pepper pizza?

Do you have anything in a slower speed, Mac?

'Like, uh, mushrooms at thirty-three and a third?'

Where you been, Fancy?

You look like the cat that got the canary.

Next best thing. I got a new chick.

- It worked. - What worked?

That pin Benny found.

You know the beetle-cut chartreuse diamond.

I just flashed it once and she melted.

Where's the end of the chow line?

Spook's finishing his turn now.

(Choo-Choo) 'If you ask me, he's a nut.'

Who? Spook, Fancy or Benny?

That guy who runs the pizza joint, Patrick Dibble.

I can't understand how a dope like that can afford..

Patrick what?

Dib...ble.

Spell it.

D-I..

Bibble. Dibble!

[chuckles] Isn't that funny?

Boys, Choo-Choo's playing a joke.

He's trying to make us think that the man who runs

Pedro's Pizza Palazzo is, in reality, Patrick Dibble.

Who spells his name the same way Officer Dibble

'who has promised to run us out of the alley'

'if he caught us in any more shenanigans'

'spells his name.'

You do have a droll sense of the macabre.

He's his cousin, on his mother's side.

Yeesh!

A million pizza palaces in town

and we have to pick on the one operated

by Officer Dibble's cousin.

(Spook) 'Like, hi.'

Uh, whose turn is it to put the bite

on the cube for the free pizza?

Spook, Spook, do you know who that cube is?

Sure, he told me. Officer Dibble's cousin.

Dibble lent him his retirement dough

like, uh, to buy the joint.

And speaking of the Dibble, uh, here he comes now.

[humming]

Officer Dibble reporting.

[indistinct chatter on phone]

Uh, no, sarge. No trace of them.

Well, I know it's my beat, but it just happened.

How could I make an arrest so soon?

[indistinct chatter on phone]

What do you mean, "Irresponsible?"

If there's any crime in my precinct

I'm one hundred percent responsible.

'I get blamed for everything that goes on around here.'

thud

I surrender, Dibble. I didn't know the gentleman was related.

I'll pay for everything, of course.

Hello, TC.

What are you talking about?

Yeah, uh-uh, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about a slippery scoundrel

with sticky fingers.

I'm talking about breaking and entering, grand larceny.

Grand what? Now, let's not get carried away, Dibble.

The whole thing couldn't amount to more than 12 bucks, with tip.

Twelve bucks? Ha!

It's a million-dollar job.

Hey, wait a minute. This may be right up your alley.

'You've got a gang.'

A gang? A small social club.

How would you like to help me, Top Cat?

You want me to turn on my cronies?

Be a stool pigeon?

Your gang didn't do this.

This job was too big for your guys.

Well, you know the kind of unskilled help

you get these days.

I want you to keep your eyes open.

Sniff around, and if you hear anything suspicious, holler.

Sort of a private-eye

ear-nose-and-throat operation, huh?

Right. Will you do it?

Dibble, for you, anything.

But what's in it for me?

Well, I'll put it this way.

If this crook ain't caught, I'll be transferred.

'And you'll get one of those eager-beaver cops'

'that walks softly but carries a big stick.'

So that's the story, men.

We gotta catch this clever, notorious

international jewel thief

or he'll give the neighborhood a bad name.

whoosh

screech

A hole in, uh..

Duh, one.

Uh, what's this clever, international jewel thief

like, uh, done, TC?

He snatched a million-dollar antique from a display case.

According to Dibble, it's a jade scarab

'with the inscription'

"To Nefertiti, from Tut, with love.

April 1350 B.C."

whoosh

clink

Another hole in one.

What's jade, TC?

(Top Cat) 'It's a hard green jewel.'

What's a scarab?

A scarab is a bug-shaped doodad.

So when you say jade scarab

you mean a piece of junk costume jewelry

that looks like a beetle-cut chartreuse diamond?

Right, Chooch.

A hole in, like, one, TC.

And when you say clever, you mean Benny the Ball?

Of course not.

Benny's not.. Benny!

'Benny, where were you last night'

'while the museum was being robbed?'

Sleeping, TC.

Good. You see, you're too suspicious.

Where were you sleeping?

On nice, soft velvet pillows.

Uh-huh.

Did the velvet pillows

have glass windows all around

like a display case in the museum?

Then you're the clever, notorious

international jewel thief.

- I am? - You stole the scarab.

I did?

We gotta turn Benny in, TC?

Of course not. Benny's innocent.

He never knew the scarab pin stuck to his coat

'when he went to sleep in the display case.'

So?

So, we return the scarab

to the museum and everything will--

(Fancy) 'Hey, what about Shirley, TC?'

Shirley? Shirley who?

The "Shirley who" I gave the jade scarab to.

Looks like we'll have to, like, snatch the scarab from Shirley.

Yeah, and un-snatch it back to the museum.

But, uh, that'll be dangerous.

I know, there'll be police, and night watchmen

and burglar alarms, but I think we can handle them.

That part's easy. Who's gonna handle Shirley?

Yeah, I'm Shirley.

FBI, ma'am.

- FBI? - Federal Bug Investigators.

We had a report of bug smuggling in this area.

Bug smuggling?

That's right, ma'am.

Some ugly thugs have been lugging in rug bugs.

Rug bugs? Ugh!

(Top Cat) 'Uh-oh, there's one now.'

hiss hiss

Got him. Those things eat sweaters too, you know.

Are you crazy?

This is a very rare, expensive jewel.

Oh, no, ma'am. That's a common everyday rug bug.

They just pretend to be jewelry.

'Protective coloration. Very smart, those insects.'

But this was given to me by Fancy, my fiance.

A fellow about this big, with shifty eyes

a silk foulard and lots of after shave lotion?

That's Bugsy Fleagle, the bootleg-insecticide king.

He gets these plagues going

and then he moves in and sells his hot insecticide.

I can't believe it.

Why would Fancy do a thing like that?

Well, he claims he does it for his wife and kids.

You mean, my fiance has been married?

Well, I'm not one to spread old wives' tales.

I just wanna get one of those bugs as evidence against him.

But if you wanna keep it for sentiment, it's okay.

He gave one to the girl next door too.

Poor kid, she's already come down

with the portorackasacky fever those things carry.

Well, wear it in good health.

Thanks for killing the publicity, captain.

I-I'm sure my plan will work.

If this international jewel thief

thinks he's got away with the jade scarab

he'll be back again tonight for the rest of the collection.

Only this time, I'll be waiting for him.

(Spook) 'A museum at night is, like, uh, strictly weirdsville.'

(Choo-Choo) 'Yeah, dad, real creepy.'

Shh.

Did you, uh, have any trouble

getting the scarab back from Shirley, TC?

Not a bit, Fancy.

She even gave me something extra to go with it.

A bump on the noggin.

Which way to the jewelry display, Benny?

It's in the room after the prehistoric monsters, TC.

Yipe!

Shh-shh.

Don't be silly, Spook. That's just a pile of old bones.

- Hey, TC, look. - 'What? What?'

(Choo-Choo) 'I seen those two before on television.'

(Top Cat) 'Impossible, Chooch. They're from prehistoric times.'

Yeah.

Probably from the late

Cretaceous-Pleistocene-Mesozoic period.

Yeah. Ha, ha, like I said. Well, here we are.

Is this the display case you slept in, Benny?

This is it, TC.

Alright. Let's replace the bauble and get out of here.

Spook, the scarab.

Oh, uh, did I, like, have it?

- Fancy? - Not me, TC.

Me either, chief.

Uh, I ain't no jewel thief.

Benny?

I was just keeping it for safekeeping, TC.

(Fancy) 'Hurry up, TC, I hear footsteps.'

(Top Cat) 'It may be Dibble. Let's hide.'

Hey, that's not Dibble.

He's too sneaky and squeaky for Dibble.

He acts more like a..

(in unison) 'Clever, notorious, international jewel thief!'

screech

The jewels, they're gone.

Hey, Dibble, he went that away.

Don't try talking yourself out of this one, Top Cat.

I'm taking you in for--

Don't run, boys. Panic!

(Dibble) 'Come back here, you jewel thieves!'

[whistle blowing]

Uh-oh, the gendarmes.

In here is a good hideout.

(Top Cat) 'Keep going, fellas!'

Halt, TC! Halt!

Or I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll be awful mad at you.

[whistle blows]

[chuckles]

What a setup.

With this disguise, I just stroll away with the loot.

[sniffing]

Anchovies, mushrooms

mozzarella.

Mmm! Pizza.

Alright, TC, what did you do with the jewels?

But I've been telling you, Dibble, I'm not--

Hey, cousin, come on in.

I've got a celebrity I want you to meet.

None other than Dunkel Heimburger himself

the world-famous gourmet, uh, gourmet.

Dunkel Heimburger?

(Patrick) 'This is the sixth time he's been back to try my pizza.'

But I left the Dunkel Heimburger outfit in the trash can.

(Dibble) 'Come on, TC. Let's go in and have a look.'

(Top Cat) 'That's him, Dibble!'

'He's the one who stole the jewels!'

(Dibble) 'Stop him! Come back here!'

thud

(Choo-Choo) Pardon us, sir.

'But aren't you the clever, notorious'

'international jewel thief?'

As Officer Dibble's press agent, you can quote me as saying

"It was a triumph of efficient

police investigation over lawlessness."

Officer Dibble runs a tight alley

and deserves at least half the reward.

And you can quote me as saying

"I never would have caught this rascal

"without the full assistance

of these fine, law-abiding citizens."

Who, I am sure, will use their half of the reward

to pay an outstanding restaurant bill.

And they never would have caught me

if I were not full of these lead pizzas.

And if I had it

I'd use my half of the reward

to hire a good doctor.

[groaning]

Now then, be sure you get the address right.

And put in there, Polish weddings

Chinese New Years' dinners

and bar mitzvahs a specialty.

And now, Top Cat, the pizzas are on Pedro.

'Ha, ha, short for Patrick.'

Well, make mine a mulligan-stew pizza, Patrick, my boy.

[all laughing]

[theme song]

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectualclose friends ♪

♪ Get to call him TC ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The indisputable leader of the gang ♪

♪ He's the boss he's a pip he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip-top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip-top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪