Original subtitles

OH, HI THERE, FRIGHT FIENDS.

HOW DO YOU LIKE MY RANCID RENDERING?

NOT BAD FOR AN AMATEUR.

HOPEFULLY, IT'LL GIVE YOU AN INKLING

OF WHAT TONIGHT'S FUNGUSY PHOTOPLAY IS ABOUT,

BECAUSE LONG BEFORE MY EERIE OFFERINGS APPEARED

ON YOUR SILVER SCREEN,

THEY WERE A MAGAZINE CALLED...

GET A LOAD OF THIS...

TALES FROM THE CRYPT.

TONIGHT, LET'S TAKE A BEHIND-THE-SCREAMS LOOK

AT A STRUGGLING ARTIST NAMED JIM KORMAN

WHO ONE DAY GOT A LITTLE TOO DRAWN INTO HIS WORK.

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪

♪ EACH DAY THROUGH MY WINDOW ♪

♪ I WATCH HER AS SHE PASSES BY ♪

♪ I SAY TO MYSELF ♪

♪ YOU'RE SUCH A LUCKY GUY ♪

♪ TO HAVE A GIRL LIKE HER ♪

♪ IS TRULY A DREAM COME TRUE ♪

♪ OUT OF ALL THE FELLAS IN THE WORLD ♪

♪ SHE BELONGS TO YOU ♪

♪ BUT IT WAS JUST MY IMAGINATION ♪

♪ RUNNIN' AWAY WITH ME ♪

♪ IT WAS JUST MY IMAGINATION ♪

♪ RUNNIN' AWAY WITH ME ♪

Man: SAME TO YOU, RUDY.

JIM, HOW ARE YOU DOING

ON CORPSE-EATERS FROM PLUTO?

TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK, TICK.

AREN'T YOU DONE YET, KORMAN?

I FIGURED YOU'D BE HALFWAY THROUGH

THE DISEMBOWELMENT BY NOW.

HEY, BOB, I GOT ANOTHER STORY IDEA.

THE OWNER OF A MINIATURE GOLF COURSE

KILLS HIS WIFE, PROPS HER MOUTH OPEN,

AND USES HER FOR THE 16th HOLE.

BETTER STILL, SOME LITTLE OLD LADY

IS CLEANING OUT HER REFRIGERATOR

AND COMES ACROSS HER LONG-DEAD BOYFRIEND.

A DOCTOR HAS TO TAKE OUT HIS OWN APPENDIX!

A BUTCHER'S GOTTA EAT HIS OWN SHORT RIBS.

GIVE IT A REST, WILL YOU GUYS?

I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.

DO IT ON YOUR OWN TIME. WE HAVE A MAGAZINE TO PUT OUT HERE.

WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT DRAWING CORPSE-EATERS, ANYHOW?

I DON'T KNOW. THERE'S SOMETHING TRICKY ABOUT THIS.

I CAN'T SEEM TO GET IT RIGHT.

OH, NO.

IS THAT MY PHONE?

THAT'S MY PHONE.

HI, HONEY.

DON'T "HI, HONEY" ME, YOU POMPOUS JACKASS, THIS IS SATURDAY.

WHEN DO YOU PLAN ON COMING HOME?

I'VE GOT TO FINISH THIS EDITION.

BULL SNOT! YOU CAN'T FOOL ME, MR. WEEKEND WORKAHOLIC.

YOU GOT A BLONDE BIMBO STASHED AWAY SOMEPLACE,

AND WHEN I FIND HER, I'M GONNA RIP HER CUTE LITTLE POWDERED FACE OFF.

IT'S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU GOTTA DRAW THESE DUMB CARTOONS

INSTEAD OF GETTING A REAL JOB,

BUT YOU CAN'T EVEN KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF THE SECRETARIES

IN THIS GODDAMNED OFFICE!

HONEY, THE SECRETARIES ARE OFF TODAY.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT A DISASTER THIS MARRIAGE WOULD BE.

TO THINK I GAVE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE,

AND FOR WHAT?

A STINGY, TWO-TIMING LOSER.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME CHILDREN.

YOU LITTLE WIMP!

THE DOCTOR SAYS THAT CAN BE

EITHER ONE OF US.

I'M TAKING THE PILLS.

YOU MEAN THESE PILLS?

POTENCY PLUS, THE MALE ANSWER TO INFERTILITY?

Do we have to talk about this now?

YOU FORGOT TO TAKE YOUR PILL THIS MORNING, LOVE NUTS.

WHEN I COUNTED THEM, THERE WAS 24 INSTEAD OF 23.

YOU COUNTED THE PILLS?

DAMN RIGHT.

YOU WANT TO KICK-START MILDRED JUNIOR HERE,

YOU HAVE TO TAKE A PILL EVERY SINGLE MORNING.

THESE ARE EXPERIMENTAL.

THEY HAVEN'T BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE SIDE EFFECTS.

WHAT SIDE EFFECTS?

IT'S LIKE IT'S MAKING MY IMAGINATION FERTILE.

I THINK IT'S AFFECTING MY BRAIN.

GOOD.

MAYBE YOU'LL DO A DECENT DAY'S WORK FOR A CHANGE.

MAYBE YOU NEED A NEW HUSBAND.

YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?

GIVE YOU A CHANCE TO PROD

SOME LITTLE CUTIE FROM THE TYPING POOL.

WELL, FORGET IT, JIMBO.

YOU'RE STUCK WITH ME...

TILL DEATH DO US PART.

What a monster.

DAMN IT.

JESUS!

DID I SCARE YOU, LADY?

DO YOU WORK HERE?

NO, MA'AM.

I JUST HAPPENED ON BY.

LISTEN, COULD YOU TAKE A LOOK IN THE BACK?

MAYBE IT'S A BLOWN FUSE OR SOMETHING.

NO USE, MA'AM.

THE WHOLE BOX IS SHORTED OUT.

YOU ALREADY LOOKED?

LOOKED?

HELL, I DID IT.

DON'T LIKE IT AS MUCH

WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE ON.

ARE YOU GOING TO HURT ME?

YES, MA'AM. I'M AFRAID SO.

NOW, LOOK, UH...

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE HERE, PAL.

OH? WHY'S THAT?

BECAUSE... I'M A COP.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT,

AT THE DIME STORE?

OW.

THAT BRUCE LEE SHIT IS GONNA COST YOU, BABE.

LAUNDRY'S DONE.

OH, MY GOD. BEHIND YOU.

LADY, IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO FALL FOR THAT...

NO.

THAT'S THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.

AAH! AAH!

Man: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY.

Second Man: YOU GOT EVERYTHING?

YEAH, YEAH. THE HEAD'S IN THE BAG.

OK, LET'S GET HIM OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT. READY?

WHAT ABOUT LUNCH?

COME ON, WATCH YOUR BACK.

YEAH. OK. COMING THROUGH.

JESUS, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

A MONSTER EMERGED FROM THE WASHING MACHINE

AND GOBBLED UP THE ASSAILANT.

THAT'S RIGHT, SIR.

AND YOU LEFT THE PREMISES AFTER IT SPAT THE HEAD OUT.

WELL, ACTUALLY...

HEY, YOU BETTER HAVE THAT UNIFORM

CLEANED AND PRESSED BY TOMORROW MORNING.

THE CAPTAIN WILL WANT TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU.

I AM A COP, PHIL.

I DON'T DRINK OFF DUTY,

AND I DON'T MAKE UP CRAZY STORIES!

NEITHER DID THE MAN WHO SAW A 2-HEADED OGRE LAST WEEK,

OR THE HOUSEWIFE WHO FOUND A DINOSAUR IN HER VOLKSWAGEN.

THIS WAS REAL, PHIL. HONEST!

HAVE IT YOUR WAY,

BUT IF THERE WAS A MONSTER,

I'VE GOT ONE THING TO SAY ABOUT IT.

HE'S GOT ONE HELL OF AN OVERBITE.

HEY, HARRIS.

HI, LORELEI.

A MONSTER WITH AN OVERBITE.

A 2-HEADED OGRE...

AND A DINOSAUR IN A VOLKSWAGEN.

JIM KORMAN.

HEY, YOU GOING TO PAY FOR THOSE?

I GOT IT. I GOT IT. SO WE'LL DO A STORY ABOUT A RABID DOG, SEE,

BUT FROM THE DOG'S POINT OF VIEW,

WITH FOAM DRIBBLING AROUND THE MARGINS.

AND LITTLE FLEAS JUMPING OFF THE PAGE.

UGH.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT. JIM KORMAN.

HI, HONEY.

UH, YEAH, I'M STILL WORKING.

YES, YES, I TOOK THE PILL.

UH, NO, THE SECRETARIES HAVE ALL GONE HOME.

HONEY, YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

NO, HONEY.

NO.

HONEY, HONEY, WOULD YOU GIVE ME A BREAK?

Mildred: GIVE YOU A BREAK? I'LL GIVE YOU A BREAK!

I'LL BREAK YOUR NECK, YOU GOD DAMNED IDIOT!

JUST WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME, YOU MORON!

HELL WITH IT.

AAH!

SORRY TO STARTLE YOU, MR. KORMAN.

IT'S YOU!

YOU'RE THE GIRL FROM THE LAUNDROMAT.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY CAR?

MY NAME IS LORELEI PHELPS.

I'M A POLICEWOMAN.

WANTED TO TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE.

I LOCKED THIS THING. HOW DID YOU GET IN?

YOU SEEN THE PAPER, JIM?

I WAS THERE.

I SAW THAT THING WITH MY OWN EYES.

WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

THERE'S BEEN A RASH OF MONSTER SIGHTINGS IN THE PAST MONTH...

ALL DIFFERENT, ALL HORRIBLE.

THESE ARE POLICE SKETCHES

MADE FROM EYEWITNESS DESCRIPTIONS.

THESE ARE RECENT TALES FROM THE CRYPT COMIC BOOKS DRAWN BY YOU.

SEE ANY SIMILARITY?

WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS ALL MEANS?

WELL, JIM, I THINK IN SOME CRAZY WAY,

YOUR DRAWINGS ARE COMING TO LIFE...

JUST POPPING IN FROM THE TWILIGHT ZONE.

YOU KNOW THAT'S A REALLY WEIRD IDEA.

I'D LIKE TO TRY A SIMPLE EXPERIMENT.

IF IT DOESN'T WORK, I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

OK. WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

JUST DRAW A MONSTER.

SOMETHING REPULSIVE.

COMING UP.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU EXPECT TO HAVE HAPPEN?

WELL...

SOMEHOW...

SOMEWHERE...

OUR NEW FRIEND IS GOING TO MAKE

A SURPRISE GUEST APPEARANCE.

ALL RIGHT... I'M DONE.

AND NOTHING HAPPENED.

SO I GUESS IT DIDN'T WORK.

MAYBE.

MAYBE IT HAPPENED ELSEWHERE.

MAYBE IT HASN'T BEEN SPOTTED YET.

YEAH. MAYBE. MAYBE.

I THINK I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

JIM...

GIVE IT A CHANCE.

ANYTHING'S POSSIBLE.

ANYTHING?

NO. DON'T.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU,

EXCEPT THAT YOU MAKE HORRIBLE DRAWINGS.

OK. I TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL GIVE UP HORROR.

I'M GETTING BURNED OUT ON IT, ANYWAY.

I'LL DRAW ROMANCE COMICS.

MY DRAWINGS WILL BE SO CUTE AND CHARMING

THAT MY EDITOR WILL THROW A FIT.

OF COURSE, I MIGHT NEED SOME... RESEARCH.

I HAVE TO GO.

I'LL CALL YOU.

FOR A DATE?

TO LET YOU KNOW IF ANY SLIME-FACED MONSTERS

HAVE BEEN TERRORIZING THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

TELL ME OVER DINNER.

MAYBE.

I'LL CALL YOU.

THANKS, PAL.

ALL CLEAR, MAN. LET'S MOVE OUT.

SAWYER, FASTBALL, COME WITH ME.

CRAIG, TAKE THE SOUTH PLANK.

HEY, BUTCH! HEY, BUTCH!

WHAT IS IT?

WHAT ABOUT ME?

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

CAN I COME WITH YOU?

BEAT IT, 4-EYES! WE'RE ON A DANGEROUS MISSION!

BUT CAN'T I...

LET'S MOVE OUT, MEN.

Boy: COME ON, MICHAEL! FOLLOW ME!

Girl: LET'S GO!

WHO NEEDS THEM, ANYWAY?

Butch: STAY TOGETHER, MEN!

BUTCH?

IS SOMEBODY IN THERE?

MOM SAYS YOU SHOULDN'T PLAY IN THE OLD REFRIGERATORS.

THE DOOR COULD CLOSE, AND YOU CAN GET STUCK INSIDE.

YOU CAN DIE!

HEY, BUTCH! HEY, GUYS! COME HERE! COME HERE!

OK, DOUGLAS. WHAT IS IT?

THERE'S SOMEBODY STUCK INSIDE THERE.

WE GOTTA GET 'EM OUT!

JEEZ, WHAT A TURD BRAIN.

I MEAN IT!

MAYBE IT'S A CREATURE...

YOU KNOW, ALL ICKY AND SLIMY.

DOUGLAS... FEED ME, DOUGLAS.

DOUGLAS...

FEED ME, DOUGLAS...

AAH!

AAH!

REMEMBER! I FOUND HIM!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, JIM?

YOU'RE BEHIND SCHEDULE

ON BRAIN SUCKERS FROM THE AMAZON.

"MY HEART YEARNED FOR HER LIPS, HER ARMS,

HER SATIN SKIN"?

THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE BRAIN SUCKING TO ME.

GUESS I'M IN A ROMANTIC MOOD.

MILDRED LOSE SOME WEIGHT OR SOMETHING?

IT'S A LONG STORY.

WELL, TELL ME SOME OTHER TIME.

I'M LATE.

MY WIFE'S NOT AS FORGIVING AS YOURS.

GOOD NIGHT, JIM.

GOOD NIGHT, BOB.

TALES FROM THE CRYPT. JIM KORMAN.

HI, LORELEI.

HMM?

YEAH. I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU, TOO.

UH-HUH.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW THIS NICE SECLUDED SPOT

JUST DOWN THE STREET. GREAT VIEW, GREAT FOOD,

SOFT MUSIC.

YEAH. SURE.

JUST COME RIGHT UP.

SEE YOU IN 5.

NICE SECLUDED SPOT, HUH?

MILDRED... HOW LONG HAVE YOU...

LONG ENOUGH, YOU LITTLE CREEP.

YOU'RE GOING TO MEET SOME PLAYGIRL TRAMP, AREN'T YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, HONEY.

YOU'RE THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD FOR ME.

YEAH? AND PIGS HAVE WINGS!

LOOK, YOU WAIT HERE, MISTER.

I'VE GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU IN THE CAR.

DAMN IT!

SURPRISE, HONEY.

MILDRED, I... I CAN EXPLAIN.

YEAH?

EXPLAIN IT TO SAINT PETER, YOU TWO-TIMING TWERP.

WHAT'S THAT?

ME? YOU WERE DRAWING ME AS A MONSTER?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. IT'S THESE PILLS!

I TAKE THESE PILLS, THEN I DRAW SOMETHING.

THEN IF I THINK ABOUT IT HARD ENOUGH, SOMETHING HAPPENS.

GRR!

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

HMPH!

THAT'S YOU... SORT OF.

WELL, THAT'S FLATTERING.

IS THAT HOW YOU PICTURE ME, JIM?

AS A RANCID HEAP OF GARBAGE?

GOD, WHAT AN EYESORE.

WHY DON'T YOU FEED IT A LAXATIVE

AND PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY?

TRY SOME SKIN LOTION, ZIT FACE.

YOUR COMPLEXION COULD SCARE A PROCTOLOGIST.

HUH?

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU SLIMY, SMELLY PILE OF PUS.

I'LL VENTILATE YOU.

I CAN SEE YOU GUYS HAVE A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO.

HI, JIM. I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

ACTUALLY, YOUR TIMING IS PERFECT.

THERE WAS A SIGHTING TODAY

REPORTED BY SOME KIDS.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE.

NO, BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...

WHAT'S ALL THE NOISE?

WE'RE REDECORATING.

Mildred: AAH!

SO TELL ME, JIM...

ARE YOU MARRIED?

NOT ANYMORE.

WELL, HOW'S THAT FOR A SAPPY ENDING?

WAS IT A LITTLE TOO GRAPHIC FOR YOU?

OH, WELL. NEXT THINK YOU KNOW,

JIM AND HIS NEW GAL PAL WILL BE WALKING DOWN THE EASEL TOGETHER.

I GUESS HE LEARNED

THAT LIFE IMITATES ART AFTER ALL.

AS FOR POOR MILDRED,

SHE LEARNED THAT DEATH IMITATES ART, TOO.

MAYBE IF SHE'D BEEN NICER TO HIM,

SHE WOULDN'T HAVE ENDED UP A MONSTERPIECE.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.