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MRS BROWN CACKLES
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!
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00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,800
SHE GRUNTS
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00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,520
SHE GROANS
5
00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:38,320
Hello, campers!
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00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,840
As they used to say
in Hi-de-Hi!
7
00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:43,440
Hi-de-Hi!, you know,
it was a comedy
8
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:46,520
based in Maplins Holiday...
Oh, it doesn't matter.
9
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,000
We never had a real holiday
when I was a child.
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00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:52,600
Aww!
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00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:53,920
We couldn't afford it.
12
00:00:53,920 --> 00:00:56,960
You see, my father invested
all his money in sick horses.
13
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,520
He didn't know they were sick
at the time he backed them.
14
00:01:03,480 --> 00:01:05,680
No, no,
we had nothing, thanks to him.
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00:01:05,680 --> 00:01:08,200
Even at Holy Communion time,
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00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,200
all the girls got
little white dresses.
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Me? I got a veil, and he let me
look out the window.
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00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,360
Mm...
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00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,120
All I had was hand-me-downs.
Aww!
20
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,280
I was the only girl in my ballet
class with football boots.
21
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,720
Hello, Mrs Brown,
I'm just heading off.
22
00:01:23,720 --> 00:01:26,520
Oh, hello, Dr Flynn. I didn't know
he was down for a checkup.
23
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:29,120
No, I was just dropping in
some pamphlets to Grandad
24
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,760
that he asked me about,
about homes.
25
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:34,800
Oh, funeral homes. It's getting
to that time, all right.
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00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:37,600
Now, what we do is we let him
pick the best coffin he can,
27
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,000
and we'll bury him
in a cardboard box.
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Not funeral homes, care homes.
29
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Care homes?
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00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,200
Yeah. Some lovely ones.
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But I'm sure he'll choose
what's right for him.
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I'm sure he will. Right, I'm off.
33
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Yeah, see you, Dr Flynn.
34
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Are you all right, Grandad?
I'm fine.
35
00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:00,680
Aww!
36
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,040
Are you here, Agnes?
37
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,560
Do you want a cup of tea?
38
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,800
Not if it's going to depress you.
39
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,200
No, it's not...
Do you feckin' want one or not?
40
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:12,840
Yeah. I had to get out of the house.
41
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,000
My Enzo is fixing his motorbike -
in the kitchen.
42
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,840
Why did you call him Enzo?
Was his father Italian?
43
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I don't know,
he paid me in sterling.
44
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I remember thinking,
"That's the end, so..."
45
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,440
so I called him Enzo!
46
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,680
Well, I won't ask you
about your youngest, Little Willy.
47
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I'd love to tell you
it's a lo-o-ong story.
48
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But it's not.
49
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,160
How are yous?
How are you, Winnie?
50
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,040
Cup of tea, Agnes, please.
Coming up.
51
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:46,520
Winnie, did I see you
in the village this morning
52
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,160
coming out of the joke shop?
53
00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,560
Yeah. I'm exhausted.
54
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:52,640
I've been looking all morning
for a costume.
55
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,360
A costume? For what?
56
00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:57,400
For Father Damien's
yearly thingy, you know,
57
00:02:57,400 --> 00:03:00,360
Stars Of Finglas.
So, what costume did you pick?
58
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:03,000
I'm not saying!
It's a surprise.
59
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,480
What is your talent? Impersonations.
Oh!
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00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,440
You should try impersonating
a human.
61
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,600
It's a surprise.
62
00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,520
I look forward to seeing it,
so.
63
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,080
Birdie? Yeah?
64
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:19,760
Did Grandad mention anything to you
about care homes? No, why?
65
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,480
Nothing, just thinking.
66
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:25,480
My mother was in a care home,
Agnes, and she loved it there.
67
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:27,680
I've never seen her so happy.
68
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,760
Yeah, it was beautiful.
69
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,560
Beautiful, yeah.
70
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,520
Right, OK. I'll see yous.
71
00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:36,360
See you, Birdie. See you, Birdie.
See you, Grandad!
72
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,960
Oh, hello, Mrs Nicholson! Birdie.
73
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,200
She's in the kitchen. As always.
74
00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,880
Morning, Agnes.
75
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,440
Yeah, hello, Hilliary. Er...
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00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,880
Do sit down.
77
00:03:52,880 --> 00:03:55,760
Morning, Hillary. Yes.
78
00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,640
I'm here on an important mission.
Do you want tea?
79
00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,280
Have you got anything herbal?
Me shampoo.
80
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,520
No, thank you.
81
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,120
So, I'm putting together
a petition,
82
00:04:08,120 --> 00:04:10,240
and I'd like to get
your signature.
83
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,960
What's it about?
Well, it's a demand...
84
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:15,560
...about the sewage plant.
What about it?
85
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It stinks.
86
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,680
I'm shocked!
87
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A sewage plant that stinks?
88
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:23,560
But there's no reason for it.
89
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,480
There are ways to reduce the...
90
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:28,120
..let's say emissions,
that are not being implemented
91
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:29,840
at our local plant.
92
00:04:29,840 --> 00:04:33,840
I'll sign it, but I know the council
will say that, just like you,
93
00:04:33,840 --> 00:04:35,840
it's full of shit.
94
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,320
Cathy, is there something
bothering your mother?
95
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:47,240
Not that I know of, Father. She did
say she was worried about Grandad
96
00:04:47,240 --> 00:04:49,920
because he's not eating. She should
do what my mother used to do.
97
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,000
She'd get a spoonful of food
and go,
98
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"The train is coming!
Chug-a-chugga, chug-a-chugga!
99
00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,720
"Choo-choo! Choo-choo!"
100
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:59,240
And you'd eat your food?
Oh, you'd have to, Cathy,
101
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:02,560
otherwise she wouldn't
untie you from the tracks. Stop!
102
00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,040
Aye, aye,
here's the shite detective.
103
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,200
Inspector Pooseau.
104
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:14,200
Well, ladies,
I've got vox populi.
105
00:05:14,200 --> 00:05:17,760
Oh good, well, keep using the cream
twice a day.
106
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,280
It's Latin, dear,
"Voice of the people",
107
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,840
the people have spoken.
108
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,440
And what does vox popu-lilo say?
109
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:29,080
My petition. 200 signatures
have forced the sewage plant
110
00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:33,360
to implement changes to remove
the foul odours it spews.
111
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,560
That's nice.
112
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,120
Veni, vidi, vici. What?
113
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:40,680
I think Cathy got me
a bottle of that for Christmas.
114
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,000
Latin again.
115
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It's a well-known phrase.
"I came, I saw, I conquered."
116
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,960
I've used a phrase like that. Mm?
117
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,800
I came, give me a fag, now feck off.
118
00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:57,240
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
119
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:01,400
You know, I did Latin in school.
120
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,520
I was in your class in school,
I don't remember that.
121
00:06:05,520 --> 00:06:07,720
Well, maybe it wasn't Latin.
122
00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:11,120
What language does the word
"redundant" come from?
123
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,720
English. Ah, it was English, so.
124
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:18,960
It'll come in handy
if I visit London.
125
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,560
But you already... Birdie,
just leave it there.
126
00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:25,880
I feel sorry for schoolkids
nowadays,
127
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,080
the amount of homework they get.
128
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,080
Bono does be exhausted.
129
00:06:30,080 --> 00:06:33,120
Yeah, well, at least they don't
get the cane any more, Agnes.
130
00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:35,720
I was terrified
of our old teacher.
131
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,280
With good reason.
If we made a mistake,
132
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,400
we got 20 lashes
across our knuckles.
133
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,440
In my school,
we got our arses caned.
134
00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:46,800
OK... Mm.
135
00:06:46,800 --> 00:06:48,880
Mind you,
I only ever got it the once.
136
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:50,680
You must've been well behaved,
so.
137
00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,640
No, I just encouraged the teacher.
138
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,320
To hit you? Mind games, Agnes.
139
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,440
He whipped me and I went...
140
00:06:59,440 --> 00:07:00,760
SHE GASPS
141
00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,240
"Thank you, sir.
142
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,920
"I'm such a bad girl,
aren't I, sir?"
143
00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:11,680
You mad bitch!
144
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,320
Never caned me after that.
145
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,560
Evening, ladies. Hello, Father.
146
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:18,520
There seems to be
a couple of empty slots
147
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:20,360
on the entrance form
for the Finglas Talent Show.
148
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,240
What are you raising money for
this year, Father?
149
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,560
I'm changing the Holy Sacrament
wafers to low fat, vegan
150
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:26,600
and gluten free.
151
00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:29,720
We'll soon be getting "I Can't
Believe It's Not Jesus".
152
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:36,560
Father, I will not be
in the talent show this year.
153
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:39,040
What?! But it'll be crap
without you, Mrs Brown.
154
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:42,600
I know. Ah, don't worry, Father,
I'll be there.
155
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,680
Give me the form, love.
I'm begging you, Mrs Brown.
156
00:07:45,680 --> 00:07:48,680
No, Father, I have too much
on me mind at the moment and...
157
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,600
...Grandad's not himself.
158
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,560
I was actually hoping
you'd be a judge this year.
159
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,840
She's made her decision,
Father, so...
160
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:56,320
...deal with it.
161
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:58,480
Well, just hold on, Winnie,
let the Father speak.
162
00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:00,120
You wanted me on the panel?
163
00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:03,080
To replace me. Myself and Trevor
have been working on an act.
164
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,480
Now, now, Damien,
we don't want to give it away.
165
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,160
They'll never guess it!
Simon & Garfunkel.
166
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:13,120
I hate them. Me too, yeah.
167
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,040
Are you going
to Scarborough Fair?
168
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:17,640
No, I'm not, now fuck off
and take the guitar with you.
169
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,680
I told you
we should've done Oasis.
170
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,680
Relax, Damien,
we'll think of something else.
171
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:24,760
Will you be a judge, Mammy?
Who's the head judge?
172
00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,600
Mrs Nicholson. That's nice.
173
00:08:29,440 --> 00:08:31,280
I'll pass.
174
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,640
Are you not entering the show,
Birdie?
175
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,840
No, I don't really have
any talents.
176
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,320
I've heard you sing.
177
00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:40,560
You sing like a bird, you do.
Oh...
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00:08:40,560 --> 00:08:41,960
Fuckin' goose.
179
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,240
Yeah, but I'd be too shy,
like, to sing in public, Agnes.
180
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,800
Ah, there must be something
you can do, Birdie?
181
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,120
Ah feck it, I'm going
to put me name down.
182
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,160
Sure, what's the worst
that can happen?
183
00:08:53,160 --> 00:08:55,280
That's the spirit, Birdie!
Go, girl.
184
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,520
I'll just need to find a place
to hang me pole.
185
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:01,080
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS
186
00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:02,960
BOTH CHOKE
187
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,000
Breathe, Mrs McGoogan!
188
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,760
Thanks, Maria. Oh!
I'm all right now, love.
189
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,000
Urgh!
190
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,520
Are you all right, Mammy? Urgh!
191
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,840
I went down the wrong pole.
192
00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:19,320
Hole! Hole!
193
00:09:19,320 --> 00:09:22,440
It went down the pole
and then... Oh, urgh!
194
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:24,960
Have you girls entered
the competition?
195
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:28,240
Oh, not yet. Father Damien
wants one of us to be host.
196
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:30,560
Oh, Maria,
you'd be great at that.
197
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:33,600
Thanks, Mrs Brown. Er, hello?!
198
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:35,600
Hiya, Cathy.
199
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:38,320
No, Maria, you really would
be great at that.
200
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:05,400
Hey, Ma!
201
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:08,040
AUDIENCE CHEERS
202
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,400
Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, boys!
203
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,240
Oh, let me guess,
yous are promoting
204
00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,600
Murphy's Circus,
coming to town next week.
205
00:10:15,600 --> 00:10:18,640
Ha, we sure are!
How did you guess?
206
00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:20,680
Call it women's intuition.
207
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:22,600
Well, what's your pitch?
208
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:24,520
HE CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY
209
00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:26,800
HE CLEARS THROAT WEAKLY
210
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:30,080
Roll up, roll up,
come and see the circus!
211
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,640
See the fat man bouncing
on the skinny man's...
212
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:34,480
Willy, shut the tent,
there's a draught coming
213
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:36,800
from the elephant's...
Ho-o-old your tickets
214
00:10:36,800 --> 00:10:38,320
for the next show!
215
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,080
Very good.
216
00:10:42,080 --> 00:10:43,520
DOORBELL RINGS
217
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,520
I'll get it, Ma. Thanks, Dermot.
218
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,560
Well, Buster, I believe
you're doing stand-up comedy
219
00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,480
at the talent show. Ha-ha, yeah!
220
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:55,480
Ah, oh, I'm so sorry, wrong house.
221
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,800
No, it's the right house,
Father.
222
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,280
My God, it's you, Birdie.
223
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:05,600
So, Buster, give me a sample
of your stand-up.
224
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:14,240
I don't just mean stand up,
I mean tell me a joke!
225
00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,120
A man walks into a bar,
226
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,080
he says, "Ouch!"
227
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:22,880
It's an iron bar.
228
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,320
Buster, don't do that one.
229
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:29,040
Hello, Mrs Brown.
Ah, hello, Father Damien.
230
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,720
Birdie?! The breasts threw me.
231
00:11:36,120 --> 00:11:39,600
I get that, Dermot,
I can see your titties.
232
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:42,000
Come on, Buster,
let's get back to work.
233
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,360
Dermo...
A man walks into a bar...
234
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,720
Heard it!
235
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,720
Would you like a cup of tea, Father?
No, thanks.
236
00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:50,440
I'm just here
to make a final plea
237
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,320
for you to judge
the talent show.
238
00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:54,960
Thank you very much, but, no,
I-I have too much on me mind.
239
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,440
OK.
Is it anything I can help with?
240
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,480
Very nice.
241
00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:04,000
When are you going?
242
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,920
I'm not feckin' going!
Grandad wants to go.
243
00:12:06,920 --> 00:12:09,040
Oh... But I don't know why.
244
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:12,880
Would you like me to talk
to him? He listens to me.
245
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,000
Really? Yes!
246
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,480
I'll be glad to.
247
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:21,600
Five, four, three... Hello, Grandad?
248
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:23,200
...two, one. I-I just want a word.
249
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,840
Feck off!
250
00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:28,920
Right, Mrs Brown. That's me away.
Bye! See you, Father.
251
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,840
All right...
252
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,440
...what's all this about?
253
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,760
What's all what about?
This - care homes.
254
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,320
I'm leaving.
255
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,600
Are you, now? Yes.
256
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:46,360
OK. Don't try and stop me.
257
00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:49,800
Stop you? I'll pack your buckin' bag
for you.
258
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,040
I can pack meself.
259
00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:53,840
"I can pack meself."
260
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:55,800
I'm dying to see that.
261
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:57,960
You lazy bastard.
262
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:01,400
Talk to the hand
because the leg ain't listening.
263
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,400
The face!
The face ain't listening.
264
00:13:05,640 --> 00:13:07,760
Sorry. I'm a bit deaf.
265
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,400
Yeah, when it buckin' suits you.
266
00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:12,400
What's all this about, Agnes?
267
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,000
That was intense.
268
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:16,120
Grandad going on about care homes.
269
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,680
No!
270
00:13:17,680 --> 00:13:19,960
You're too young
for a care home, Agnes.
271
00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:28,240
I was caught
completely off-guard.
272
00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:30,040
I wouldn't have known anything
about it,
273
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:31,880
only Dr Flynn blurted it out.
274
00:13:31,880 --> 00:13:34,360
Strange behaviour. It was.
275
00:13:34,360 --> 00:13:36,360
Is he even a doctor?
276
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:41,320
I'm talking about Grandad.
Grandad's not a doctor.
277
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:44,960
Winnie, shut up.
278
00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:48,440
Maybe Grandad didn't mean it,
Ma.
279
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,560
Oh, he meant it all right, son.
He packed three pairs of underpants.
280
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,640
That's not confusion, son,
that's commitment.
281
00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:58,360
Maybe he was just looking
for attention.
282
00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:01,080
Maybe he was just looking
for a kick in the arse.
283
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,800
Well, that won't make him feel
any better.
284
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,480
It would make me feel better.
285
00:14:06,840 --> 00:14:09,240
It's not like Grandad
to get emotional.
286
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,480
Well Cathy, he did,
I promise you.
287
00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,080
Even Winnie felt it,
and she's dead inside.
288
00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:20,520
Dead.
289
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,840
It doesn't make any sense,
though.
290
00:14:22,840 --> 00:14:24,800
Why would Grandad want to go
to a care home?
291
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,640
They have pickleball. Cool!
292
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:29,280
Focus, Damien.
293
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,520
So, when is he talking
about leaving?
294
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:33,160
He didn't say.
295
00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:35,320
He told me
he was going Friday evening.
296
00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:37,360
He told you?!
297
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,080
He doesn't even buckin' like you.
298
00:14:40,920 --> 00:14:42,760
Did he mention why?
299
00:14:42,760 --> 00:14:44,640
Because you're a bossy bit...
Sh!
300
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:48,200
No, he didn't really.
301
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,240
Mammy, just let him go.
302
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,120
Do I look
like I'm stopping him?
303
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,520
Mammy!
304
00:14:53,520 --> 00:14:55,120
It's sad.
305
00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,880
It is sad.
306
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,560
Aww!
307
00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,040
So sad.
Aww!
308
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,920
So very sad.
309
00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,680
Aww!
310
00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,480
So...so very, very sad.
311
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,680
Aww!
312
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,680
Right, who's up for a pint?
313
00:15:12,680 --> 00:15:15,120
Yeah. Yep!
314
00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:18,120
So that's the meeting done, then,
is it?
315
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,120
SHE SIGHS
316
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:23,920
DOOR CLOSES
317
00:15:39,200 --> 00:15:41,680
Right, I-I'm off
to the talent show.
318
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,840
Will you be here
when I get back?
319
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:44,960
Probably not.
320
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,080
Aww!
321
00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:50,600
Well, I'll...I'll say goodbye
now, then.
322
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:54,240
Goodbye.
323
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:55,800
Aww!
324
00:15:57,480 --> 00:15:58,840
Thanks for...
325
00:16:00,080 --> 00:16:02,320
Aww!
...you know...
326
00:16:02,320 --> 00:16:04,480
...everything.
327
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,400
Aww!
328
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:07,520
You're welcome.
329
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,080
Good luck.
330
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,800
Aww!
331
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,600
Bye.
332
00:16:23,600 --> 00:16:25,920
Aww!
333
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,400
SAD MUSIC PLAYS
334
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:33,720
When is this going to end?
335
00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,400
Relax, Ma. It won't be long.
336
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,080
What's Winnie's surprise?
337
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,080
I don't know,
she wouldn't tell me.
338
00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:42,080
Two men walk into a bar...
339
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,640
You're funny, man.
340
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:48,400
Ha-ha, Marco! Elvis.
341
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,360
Uh-huh!
342
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:55,760
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
343
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,800
Who are you doing, Mark?
344
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,840
Elvis! I'm doing Elvis, baby.
345
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,440
WINNIE LAUGHS
346
00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:03,600
That's very good!
347
00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:05,600
Are you doing Elvis as well?
348
00:17:05,600 --> 00:17:07,480
No! What made you think that?
349
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:11,800
Everybody ready?
350
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,120
Maria,
I don't think I can do this.
351
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,240
Of course you can.
Don't be frightened.
352
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:19,120
Everybody out there wants
everyone to succeed. Aargh!
353
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,320
AUDIENCE CHEERS
354
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,080
You look great, John!
355
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,480
You look great too, Edward.
But not as good as me, though.
356
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,160
Yes, I do. No, you don't!
357
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,520
Yes, I do-oo!
You drive me mad, you do.
358
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,160
I do, what about you?
359
00:17:35,160 --> 00:17:36,800
You're not even as handsome
as me.
360
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,720
Yes, I am. No, you're not!
361
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,400
Yeah, that works great.
362
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,320
Oh, we were rehearsing?
363
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,480
I thought you were serious.
364
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:01,400
Aww!
365
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:09,000
SPOONS RATTLE
366
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,560
Mother of God!
367
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:20,280
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
368
00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,160
AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS
369
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,440
I'll get the drinks in.
370
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,200
Make mine a double, Dermot!
371
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,160
I don't know if I can put up with
much more of buckin' Evel Knievel.
372
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:39,240
SHE SOUNDS BUZZER
373
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,800
Aww!
374
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:44,680
OK, well,
we'll go to the judges.
375
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,560
What do you say, Mother?
376
00:18:46,560 --> 00:18:49,080
Er...
377
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:52,400
You need three things
to be a star,
378
00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,160
and you don't have any of them.
379
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,960
Aww!
380
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,840
Dr Flynn?
381
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:02,240
Well, I've always said there's
nothing like a good spoon player.
382
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:04,000
And that's you.
383
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,800
Nothing like a good spoon player.
384
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:10,320
Er, Sharon, what did you think?
385
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,800
Well, I wasn't expecting much
from my mother.
386
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:14,840
And yet somehow,
387
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:17,200
I feel short-changed.
388
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,400
Well, I can sing
something else.
389
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:20,800
No!
390
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,640
Somebody take
that feckin' cutlery off her!
391
00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,000
SHE SOUNDS BUZZER
392
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,520
Mrs McGoogan, you will not be
joining Mark in the final.
393
00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:36,080
Aww!
394
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:38,560
Thank you very much, man.
Yeah!
395
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:40,080
Aww!
396
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,560
They went all-out this year -
big stage, fancy lights.
397
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,760
Yeah, but not much room
for punters.
398
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:49,000
I mean, there's more people on the
panel than there is in the audience.
399
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,000
Hello, Agnes. Hi, Cathy.
400
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,840
You look great, Mrs Nicholson.
401
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,440
I know.
402
00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:59,560
I was worried my posterior might
look large in this outfit.
403
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:01,160
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
404
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,120
Yeah, cop on, Hidly.
405
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,680
Oh, thank you. Ha!
406
00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:07,440
Her arse looks big in everything.
Stop!
407
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,880
Dermot, where's me drink?
408
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,280
I asked for a nice
Slow Screw Up Against The Wall.
409
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,680
The bar's closed
until after the show, Ma.
410
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,040
Do you mean we have to
sit through this sober?!
411
00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:29,400
Relax, Ma, it won't be that bad.
412
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,200
OK, up next we have Buster Brady
doing some stand-up comedy.
413
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,320
Oh, God, shoot me now.
414
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:39,720
Grandad's all set, Dermot.
415
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,480
His bags are packed,
ready to go to the home.
416
00:20:42,480 --> 00:20:44,440
I'm really going to miss him
around the place, you know.
417
00:20:44,440 --> 00:20:46,960
Yeah, I will, too. Not me.
418
00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:49,160
Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.
419
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,280
Aww!
420
00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,480
APPLAUSE
421
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,400
Keep it clean, Buster.
422
00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:02,280
Hello.
423
00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:07,120
I was an ugly baby. When I was born,
the doctor slapped me mother.
424
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,800
I know you're out there,
I can hear you breathing.
425
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,200
Aww!
426
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,960
Aww!
427
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,600
But when I was a kid, I knew
I was loved. When I had a bath,
428
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:43,440
my mother would throw me in
a rubber duck, a battleship...
429
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:44,920
A toaster.
430
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:48,920
Yeah, ha...
431
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,720
Three lesbians walked
into a bar...
432
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,480
BUZZER
433
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,760
I can dance.
No!
434
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:58,880
Goodbye, Buster!
435
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:02,040
Aww!
436
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:07,120
Be honest, Mammy, you don't
really want Grandad to leave.
437
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:10,000
I booked his taxi for him.
Aww!
438
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:14,080
From the day that man set foot
in our house the very first time,
439
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:16,720
he's made no contribution
to this household.
440
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:19,280
All he does is take, take, take.
441
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:22,040
I don't know, Ma. Remember
when he caught Cathy's boyfriend
442
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:24,080
sneaking in her bedroom window?
443
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:25,440
No...?!
444
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:30,200
If it wasn't for Grandad, Cathy
could be married to Tommy Rizla now.
445
00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,640
Shut up, Dermot!
446
00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:34,640
Tommy buckin' Rizla?
Well, at least she'd be married.
447
00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,480
You let that scumbag
into our house?
448
00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:41,680
Yeah, well, Grandad bailed Dermot
out of the police station
449
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,120
for stealing cars.
450
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,360
No! What kind?
451
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:46,600
Police cars.
452
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:51,680
OK! If you'll all
put your hands together, please,
453
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:54,960
for our final act of the evening,
Birdie Flanagan.
454
00:22:54,960 --> 00:22:57,720
APPLAUSE
455
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,440
What about when Daddy died?
456
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,880
Grandad brought us all to the
carnival in Bray to cheer us up.
457
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,240
Now, that was a great day.
The best.
458
00:23:07,240 --> 00:23:09,560
I don't remember that.
459
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,760
That's cos you were in bed, Ma,
crying.
460
00:23:12,760 --> 00:23:15,600
Um. excuse me, Dermot,
I'd just buried my husband.
461
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,840
And Grandad had just buried
his son, Mammy.
462
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:19,000
Aww!
463
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:23,240
You might not have always seen it,
but Grandad was really good to us.
464
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,200
This is all news to me.
465
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,600
Tommy buckin' Rizla?
466
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:34,280
Oh, let it go, Mammy!
Dermot, I will kill you!
467
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,880
SLOW MUSIC
468
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:05,760
and try
469
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:16,720
Where are you going?
Something I have to do.
470
00:24:20,920 --> 00:24:26,240
count on me
471
00:24:36,960 --> 00:24:42,440
forever more
472
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,240
Right, let's go.
473
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,480
What are you doing?
If you're going, I'm going.
474
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:09,000
Aww!
475
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:11,280
Bloody taxi hasn't arrived yet.
476
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:13,240
That's because I cancelled it.
477
00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,880
Yay!
478
00:25:17,160 --> 00:25:20,040
I don't want you to go.
What are you saying?
479
00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:22,280
I'm saying stay!
480
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:24,000
Please.
481
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:28,240
I'll be no-one's burden.
It's too buckin' late for that now.
482
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,840
I'm kidding.
483
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,560
Look, Grandad,
I'll make a deal with you.
484
00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:37,080
If at any point
I can't care for you...
485
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,640
..we'll go look
at that home together.
486
00:25:40,640 --> 00:25:42,760
Aww!
487
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:48,240
I'd love a pint.
Well, come on, then.
488
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,280
CHEERING
489
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,120
Elvis is at the bar.
490
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:11,560
count on me
491
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,280
Yeah, baby!
492
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:39,640
CHEERING
493
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:57,400
Ah...
494
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,640
Well, that's Father Damien's search
495
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:04,920
for a star in Finglas over
for another year. Thank God.
496
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,680
It was a good night, though. Yeah.
497
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,680
It's amazing
how people can be entertaining.
498
00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:14,920
You know, I mean real people.
499
00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:18,720
The likes of Birdie getting up
and whacking out that song.
500
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,960
Or Mark, carpenter by day,
501
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:23,240
king of rock and roll by night.
502
00:27:24,640 --> 00:27:27,200
I'd be lost without them.
503
00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:28,400
And Grandad.
504
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:34,120
Is Grandad an arsehole?
Abso-buckin'-lutely.
505
00:27:36,040 --> 00:27:40,680
But he's family, and in this house,
we protect family.
506
00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:45,440
Mm, oh, oh, I know I give him
a hard time sometimes but...
507
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,400
..that's only cos I love him.
508
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,080
Aww!
509
00:27:49,080 --> 00:27:52,840
I-I wouldn't tell him that
to his face.
510
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:54,440
Too late!
511
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,840
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
512
00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:03,560
Ya bastard!
513
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:04,960
Bitch!
514
00:28:07,640 --> 00:28:09,720
Back to normal!
515
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,200
Goodnight.
516
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:18,440
of Dublin town
517
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:24,560
she wears the crown
518
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:27,640
watching all her chicks
519
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:36,560
let life get her down
520
00:28:39,040 --> 00:28:41,720
Goodnight!
521
00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,000
MRS BROWN CACKLES
36846
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