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1
00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,814
-[birds squawking] -[screaming]
-RIP: Whoa! Go, go, go, go!
2
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,182
Faster, Swooper!
3
00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:19,218
They're gaining on us! Whoa!
4
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,886
-Step on it!
-I'm trying!
5
00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,021
Squawk!
6
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,223
That flying machine
belongs to us!
7
00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,392
It belongs
in the Da Vinci Museum.
8
00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,360
-You stole it.
-Because your kind broke
9
00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,963
the ancient truce
between man and bird.
10
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,165
Mankind wasn't meant to fly.
11
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,634
Mankind was meant to die!
12
00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:38,037
-Squawk!
-Saltine, pull me up.
13
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,505
I can fight them off
with my whip.
14
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,274
-[sighs]
-Saltine? What are you doing?
15
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:43,709
AGATHA:
They're getting closer, Rip.
16
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,110
-Got any words for your fans?
-Why are you
17
00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,345
-filming me?
-You need to connect
18
00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,980
with Rip Nation more often
to boost
19
00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,349
-your online profile.
-Not now, Agatha!
20
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,884
We're done for!
We can't outrun them!
21
00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,852
Saltine, pull me up.
22
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,220
-Saltine!
-Squawk!
23
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,923
-What's the point?
-Oh, God. This is it.
24
00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,758
We're dead! We're fucking dead!
25
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,693
Oh, God, I'm so scared.
I always thought I'd be brave
26
00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:03,495
when it happened,
but I'm scared as shit.
27
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,398
I'm gonna shit myself
and then I'm gonna die!
28
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,734
♪ ♪
29
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:22,481
RIP: Well, it's a miracle
30
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,016
we got out of that situation
31
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,385
and delivered the flying machine
to the Da Vinci Museum.
32
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,954
And I have no interest
in rehashing how we did it,
33
00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,856
but it was no thanks to you,
Saltine.
34
00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,925
-What's going on with you?
-I don't know.
35
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,094
Nothing, I guess.
36
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,763
-Why is she so moody lately?
-I think I know.
37
00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,364
You know how it was
her birthday last week?
38
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,268
Yes, as I recall, she took
her birthday noogies quite well.
39
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,770
Well, her parents
didn't call her,
40
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,371
didn't send a card, nothing.
41
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,606
Wow, and you guys were mad at me
42
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,241
for getting her
a scale as a gift.
43
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,177
Guess I'm looking pretty good
by comparison now.
44
00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,781
-No, you still look bad.
-But not by comparison, Agatha.
45
00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:58,383
You have to admit that
by comparison, I look great.
46
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,719
Look, even though
Saltine plays it down,
47
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,421
the fact that her parents
disowned her
48
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,657
for becoming an arky obviously
still bothers her sometimes.
49
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,993
I just don't get why they think
being an arky is so bad.
50
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,496
It's not like we're looties,
always stealing and looting,
51
00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,965
which, as we all know,
is how they got their name.
52
00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,600
Families can be tricky, Rip.
53
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:15,901
Hmm, perhaps you're right.
54
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,503
You know,
I have a lot of experience
55
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,037
with complicated
family relationships myself.
56
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,607
Growing up in Brazil,
my twin brother Zip and I
57
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:24,776
had a lot of issues
with our parents.
58
00:02:24,879 --> 00:02:26,912
Okay, I think I know
what I need to do.
59
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,381
The fuck did he just say?
60
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,449
SALTINE:
Is this really necessary, Rip?
61
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,783
RIP:
What do you mean?
62
00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:33,285
-Why did you blindfold me?
-Uhp, uhp, uhp.
63
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,254
So you wouldn't know
where we were going.
64
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,189
Okay, but then
why did you chloroform me?
65
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,657
Made it easier
to get the blindfold on.
66
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,993
And then why did you
also blindfold Fleety?
67
00:02:41,095 --> 00:02:42,327
We thought it'd be cute.
68
00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:43,729
-[exclaims]
-SALTINE: Honestly,
69
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,265
it's just magnifying how
jacked up his teeth are.
70
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,900
-Ugh.
-[whimpers]
71
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,235
[singsongy] Okay, we're here.
72
00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,338
SALTINE: My parents' house?
73
00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,841
Why the hell
did you bring me here?
74
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,409
For business reasons, naturally.
75
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,244
I'm trying to train you
to become a full arky,
76
00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,346
but you've been
way too moody lately at work.
77
00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,248
And I know it's because
of your bad relationship
78
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,816
-with your parents.
-So?
79
00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:06,652
So I can't have
a distracted assistant.
80
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,320
It puts all of our lives
at risk.
81
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,855
So I'm here to help
fix your relationship
82
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,390
with your parents
once and for all.
83
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,858
-MONA: Saltine?
-[gasps]
84
00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:14,660
We told you
never to come back here.
85
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:17,029
-We were very clear.
-We were very clear.
86
00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,497
You have been disowned.
87
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,633
Okay, if someone told me
this family was functional,
88
00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,670
I'd say,
"Uh, you forgot the 'dys.'"
89
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:28,040
I got to say, this is quite
a bounty for unwelcomed guests.
90
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,708
Of course. We're not animals.
91
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:32,211
-Cookie? -You're supposed
to say no three times.
92
00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:34,446
-It's a Persian thing.
-Oh, no, thank you.
93
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,949
-Please, I insist.
-Nope, really, I'm okay.
94
00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,251
For you, I'm sure
eating a cookie is nothing,
95
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,720
but for me,
it would be everything.
96
00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,789
-Mm-mmm.
-Uh, no?
97
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,191
Eat this cookie
or I will walk into the ocean
98
00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,993
with my pockets full of stones!
99
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,761
-Now you can eat it.
-Oh, thank God.
100
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,230
[grunting]
101
00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,398
All right,
let's repair this relationship.
102
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,367
Maybe if you guys
just hug really hard.
103
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,369
I'd rather hug a bug.
104
00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,104
Okay, Saltine,
you didn't warn me
105
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,840
your mom is a full tilt
snap queen.
106
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,276
Being an arky
is utterly shameful.
107
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,211
No, it is not. It's shameless.
108
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,646
Rip, that's also bad.
109
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,382
Oh, man. What is with
the English language?
110
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:11,917
So many twists and turns, right?
111
00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:13,385
I wish we were having
this conversation
112
00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,254
in my native Portuguese.
113
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,755
Saltine, you disobeyed
our wishes.
114
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,224
One, we wish for you
to have perfect vision,
115
00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:22,794
and two, we wish for you
not to pursue archaeology.
116
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,496
What's so bad
about being an arky?
117
00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,099
It's not like we're looties,
the scum of the whole Earth.
118
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,067
Arkies are worse.
They are reckless.
119
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:31,169
-[chuckles] Yeah, that's true.
-They're glory seekers.
120
00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,671
-Can't argue with that.
-They're buffoons.
121
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,273
-Guilty.
-They lack a moral compass.
122
00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,275
If you hadn't said "moral,"
I'd be arguing with you
123
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,543
so much right now. But, yeah,
that one is also accurate.
124
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,747
Their lifestyles are an unending
parade of sex and drugs.
125
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,915
Yep, and hard drugs, too.
They make the sex better.
126
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,617
Or worse,
depending on your goals
127
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,185
-and/or sensitivity levels.
-This is like
128
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,121
Seurat's worst nightmare, Rip:
129
00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:51,023
-pointless.
-There's nothing you can say.
130
00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,391
We don't like arkies.
131
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,792
Even me?
132
00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:55,527
-Yes! You more than anyone.
-Especially you!
133
00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,229
Well, you can hate me
all you want,
134
00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,298
but it's ridiculous
to dislike your own daughter.
135
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,400
I mean, I don't know
how to put it any more clearly.
136
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,403
Saltine is a sockdolager,
a Dutch snorter.
137
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,272
Hell, she's got more moxie
than Old Coppernob.
138
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,540
I don't understand
a word you're saying.
139
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,208
What, you got Chesapeake crabs
140
00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:11,943
in your ears or something?
141
00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:14,680
Nobody talks that way
to me in my house. Get out!
142
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,748
Now leave us so we can
resume our simple life.
143
00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,885
Listening to the blissful sounds
of the Chesapeake Bay.
144
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,486
-[waves lapping]
-[both sigh]
145
00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,188
-[jackhammer thudding]
-[speaking Farsi]
146
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,657
The Harrisons are starting
another construction project?
147
00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,192
Will it never end?
148
00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,161
[exclaims] The only thing
worse than the arkies
149
00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:31,330
are the Harrisons
and their nonstop
150
00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,131
noisy construction projects.
151
00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:34,399
Goodbye.
152
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,836
Hmm. What if...
153
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,740
-[loud thudding]
-[both scream] -4:55 a.m.?
154
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,476
I had another two minutes
before my alarm went off.
155
00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,511
Damn those Harrisons.
[speaking Farsi]
156
00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,313
MONA:
It's not the Harrisons.
157
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,716
Dig, my friends, dig! [laughs]
158
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,451
It's a wonderful day.
159
00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,720
Why are you destroying
our private property?
160
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,054
It better be
because you're planning
161
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,389
on burying yourselves alive.
162
00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,757
I'm gonna show you
that archaeology
163
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,225
isn't just about glory-seeking.
164
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,693
It's useful as well.
165
00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,895
This region used to be home
to the Powhatan tribe.
166
00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,564
If we find evidence
of a settlement,
167
00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:06,998
the whole area will be protected
168
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,667
by the Historic
Preservation Act.
169
00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,802
The Harrisons will
have to stop construction
170
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,371
and you'll get
your peace and quiet back.
171
00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:14,740
See?
Archaeology rocks the house.
172
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:17,008
The last thing I want to do
is admit that I'm impressed,
173
00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:19,644
so I won't,
but just know that I'm dying to.
174
00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,446
Well, it was all Saltine's idea.
175
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,482
Because Saltine
is into archaeology
176
00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:24,716
for the right reasons.
177
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,352
-You don't say.
-I do. Loudly!
178
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,554
♪ ♪
179
00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,758
Would you look at that?
180
00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,760
Algonquin earthenware
made of clay
181
00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,728
and triturated mussel shell.
182
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,964
-By Jove, we've done it!
-[whooping]
183
00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,399
SALTINE:
See, guys?
184
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,800
Arkies aren't all bad.
185
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,902
Maybe I can even find evidence
of a yehakin,
186
00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,405
which is not
the same thing as a wigwam.
187
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,407
Bet you thought it was.
Yet another example
188
00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,308
of how arkies pwn gen pop.
189
00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,811
And, uh, we dig-ah like-ah this.
190
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,546
-[metal clangs]
-"Clunk?"
191
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:57,015
But I was just shoveling
for effect.
192
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,383
Oh.
193
00:06:58,485 --> 00:06:59,885
Agatha, stream this.
194
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,586
I thought you didn't
want me to do that anymore.
195
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,655
Yeah, I know, but when
those likes start rolling in,
196
00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,590
it feels so damn good.
197
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:06,658
-Now go live!
-AGATHA: What's good?
198
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,393
It's the big bitch, Swaggy Aggy,
199
00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:11,196
coming at you live
from Chesapeake Bay.
200
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:14,232
Rip is deadass
doing some crazy shit IRL.
201
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,967
Everyone knows
Blackbeard was decapitated
202
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,569
by Virginia's governor in 1718,
203
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,937
and his head
was displayed on a pike
204
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,338
at the mouth
of the Chesapeake Bay.
205
00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,807
But few knew his crew
buried his body
206
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,943
in a location most hidden,
until now.
207
00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:28,380
I have discovered
Blackbeard's tomb.
208
00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,515
-[all gasp]
-What's that in his pocket?
209
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,251
-Just a blank sheet of paper.
-No, it's a treasure map.
210
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,687
Blackbeard's treasure.
You're holding it backwards.
211
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,522
And you just showed
everyone on Earth.
212
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,857
Uh-oh, Ripnation.
213
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,026
Did the Ripdawg
just F up big time?
214
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,561
Sound off in the comments.
215
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,701
-[indistinct chatter]
-Rip, this is a circus.
216
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,303
-What's happening?
-Once in a while,
217
00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,138
some sort of treasure map
goes public,
218
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,040
and it brings every arky
out of the woodwork
219
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,441
for a treasure hunt.
220
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,543
Or, as arkies call it,
a fortune pursuit.
221
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,345
Get your picture
with Blackbeard.
222
00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:01,947
-Hydrate with Splot.
-Zane, will you
223
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,048
sign my dog's butthole?
224
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,616
Bella Torres, what will you do
225
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,151
if you find the treasure?
226
00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,286
Well, I've essentially been
in a coma since 2011,
227
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,088
so the first thing I'm gonna do
is pay off the fines
228
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,923
on all my overdue library books.
229
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,625
I've had The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks checked out
230
00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,360
-for over a decade.
-Well, I think I speak
231
00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:18,663
for all of our viewers when
I say you're a fucking nerd.
232
00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,134
Wow. I've never seen
anything like this.
233
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,604
That's right. This is
your first fortune pursuit
234
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,172
since joining the council.
235
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,274
We always watch these things
from our hot-air balloon,
236
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,076
far from the riffraff below.
237
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,777
I opened this
Beaujolais nouveau,
238
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,180
and the bouquet
is more of an aroma.
239
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:37,182
-Where's the trash can?
-When you're in the council,
240
00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,085
-the world's your trash can.
-[laughs] Okay.
241
00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:43,321
-Yep, one year sober today.
-Congrats. Got to feel great.
242
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,490
It does.
I was one of those mean drunks.
243
00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,893
One drop of alcohol and
I'd start karate-chopping people
244
00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,694
in the throat
until they'd spray barf.
245
00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:52,364
But now I'm sober!
246
00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,834
[people grunting, shouting]
247
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,302
This is a disaster, Rip.
248
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,304
Yeah, in trying to help you,
I've really
249
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:02,040
stepped in the proverbial
turkey diarrhea.
250
00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,074
Is that an expression?
251
00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,376
Well, I do have idiom blindness,
252
00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,578
but I'm 100% sure
it's a very common slang.
253
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,214
Anyhoo, the only way a fortune
pursuit comes to an end
254
00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,749
is when the treasure's
been found.
255
00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,284
Then we better find it
or my parents
256
00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,286
-will never un-disown me.
-MONA: Actually,
257
00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,221
-mind if we join?
-Wha...?
258
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,524
Mom? Dad? What's going on?
259
00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,726
Saltine, it's time
we tell you the truth.
260
00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:25,297
-I'm gonna be a big sister?
-No. We used to be arkies.
261
00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,299
-[both gasp]
-And we're gonna help you
262
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,567
pursue that fortune.
263
00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:31,002
-Da furk?
-You took the exact words
264
00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,338
and pronunciation
out of my mouth.
265
00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,206
♪ ♪
266
00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,375
Okay, is this
some sort of practical joke?
267
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,910
Just checking, 'cause medically,
268
00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,745
I'm not able to detect
that kind of thing.
269
00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:43,815
No, Saltine. Before
you were born, we were arkies.
270
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,584
But then we decided
to give it up.
271
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,386
We didn't want to raise you in
such a hedonistic environment.
272
00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:51,723
But now we see that you're not
like those degenerates.
273
00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,259
You're in archaeology
for the right reasons.
274
00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,161
-[scoffs] -And your head
is screwed on straight.
275
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,763
Well, the only reason
my head is on so straight
276
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,166
is because you guys
are the ones who screwed it on.
277
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,635
-Ugh. -Well, the only reason
we were able to screw it on
278
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,237
so straight is because the hole
we were screwing it into
279
00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,140
was such a pliant screw hole
receptacle thingy place.
280
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,109
-Come on.
-Aw, Mom.
281
00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,711
So, you don't mind
if we team up?
282
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,512
Of course not. This is great.
283
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,015
Yeah, great.
Just one question, though.
284
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,451
If you guys were arkies,
how come I haven't heard of you?
285
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,119
It was before
we moved to America.
286
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,622
And we were never
famous like you.
287
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:26,057
Well, obrigado,
I was and remain famous,
288
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,692
the best thing one can be.
289
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,928
But "irregardulous,"
If that's true,
290
00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,196
I don't want to get slowed down
291
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,064
by a bunch of
out-of-practice arkies
292
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,966
who haven't been in the field
for decades.
293
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,201
It'll be hard enough
to figure out
294
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,769
where the fortune is on my own.
295
00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,638
-Hmm. Let me see the map.
-It's an island.
296
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,240
But no island in the Chesapeake
is shaped like this.
297
00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,309
That is probably
due to global warming.
298
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,611
This map was drawn
300 years ago,
299
00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:48,046
when the sea levels were lower.
300
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,116
If you trim away
the coastline here and here,
301
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:52,550
-voilà!
-That's Watt's Island.
302
00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,186
Whoa. Score one
for the parental unit.
303
00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,554
[mumbling] I mean, yeah,
it was kind of a lucky guess,
304
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:57,789
and I am the one
who found the map.
305
00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,290
What was that, Rippy?
306
00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:00,792
-You're kind of trailing off.
-[clearly] Nothing.
307
00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,394
All right, Swooper,
gas up the submersible
308
00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:05,330
'cause we're about
to get submersed.
309
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:08,767
By using this
310
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,068
state-of-the-art submersible,
311
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,636
nobody will be able
to follow us.
312
00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:14,172
-Someone's following us.
-Caramba!
313
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,308
Hello, Rippy.
314
00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:18,810
I saw you taking off in a hurry
315
00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,278
and I figured you must have a lead.
316
00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,579
Hope you don't mind if I follow you
317
00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,681
in my much better submersible.
318
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,649
-Swooper, gun it!
-Aye, aye, sir.
319
00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,893
Now you're stuck, idiot!
320
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:40,732
-[laughs]
-Stupid seaweed elasticity.
321
00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,733
Swooper, watch out!
322
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,001
A shoal of mackerel!
323
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,536
And a risk of lobsters!
324
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,738
And a consortium of crabs!
325
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,741
Those are all
the actual terms, you know. Oh!
326
00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,346
Uh-oh!
327
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,881
[all exclaim]
328
00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,316
My thermos of RumChata!
329
00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:01,886
Uh-oh, ol' Swoops
isn't feeling so good.
330
00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:05,323
Cornelia? Is that you?
Kiss me, my darling.
331
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,858
With tongue, of course.
332
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,294
Oh, no, we're doomed.
Swooper is our lone pilot.
333
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,795
No one else can drive
a submarine.
334
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,297
Even though it looks super easy
335
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,798
like you just point it
the way you want to go.
336
00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,400
-Not so fast. Mona?
-On it.
337
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:19,537
You think you can lose Zane?
Dream on, buttcheese.
338
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,041
-See that up ahead?
-That smack of jellyfish?
339
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,143
-Exactly what I was thinking.
-A smack?
340
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,245
I didn't even know
it was called that.
341
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,253
Hold on to your fedoras.
342
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,289
Oh, no, you don't.
343
00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,593
Oh, for... I can't even see.
344
00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:43,628
Trisket, go out there
and squeegee the jellyfish.
345
00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:45,764
Okay, confession time.
346
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:48,700
When I said I could
deep sea dive on my résumé,
347
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,635
that was not true.
348
00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,512
Mom, I didn't know
you could drive a submarine.
349
00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,914
Of course.
There's lots I can drive.
350
00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:06,484
Aircraft, watercraft,
spacecraft, your father crazy...
351
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,019
[all laugh]
352
00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,289
Uh, hey, I hate to interrupt
the fuck-fest over there,
353
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,192
but our submersible
isn't looking so good.
354
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,560
-We got to fix it up, pronto.
-SALTINE: Got it.
355
00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,228
So, why don't
I go with my parents
356
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,430
to find the treasure and you
and Swooper can fix the sub?
357
00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:20,999
Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess so.
358
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,002
Or Swooper can just work on it
while I go with you guys.
359
00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,140
Or I could stay
and help Swooper.
360
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,843
Yes, you not joining us
would be perfect.
361
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,244
MONA:
Oh, Saltine,
362
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,746
-we have so much to catch up on.
-[Saltine laughs]
363
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:38,383
Agatha, there's something
I want you to do for me.
364
00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:42,086
Open Safari, type in H-T-T-P-S,
365
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,822
colon, backslash,
366
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:46,624
backslash, Google.com,
367
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,326
uh, and then type the following
368
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:51,095
into the search window within
the browser using the buttons
369
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:55,300
on your desktop computer's
QWERTY keyboard.
370
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,239
How great is it that Saltine
and her parents
371
00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,407
are getting along now?
372
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,575
They're basically just like
373
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:04,976
three peas in a pod.
374
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,744
-Just like you wanted, Rippy.
-[grunting softly]
375
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,847
And heck, now that Saltine knows
her parents are also arkies,
376
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,481
it's only a matter of time
377
00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:12,217
before she leaves us
and starts working with them.
378
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,519
You must be really happy
that your plan to reunite
379
00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,654
Saltine with her parents
has worked out so well.
380
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,556
Maybe they'll even
hire me and Agatha.
381
00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,793
That's it!
I need to stretch my gams.
382
00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,027
Oh...
383
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,796
[all cheering]
384
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:27,832
I think RumChata sucks.
385
00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:29,400
And so does jazz.
386
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,536
SALTINE: Yeah, Mom!
387
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,872
Slap that snake. [laughs]
388
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,741
Eyes wide shut!
389
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,042
[phone chimes]
390
00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,546
Agatha, you genius.
391
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,182
Rip, over here!
We found the treasure chest.
392
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,517
Yeah, that's nice and all,
but it pales in comparison
393
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:48,953
to the shocking news
I've come to impart.
394
00:14:49,823 --> 00:14:52,457
Your parents didn't voluntarily
give up being arkies.
395
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,158
They were expelled
from the Arky Union
396
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,294
after they were caught
looting archaeological sites.
397
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,696
You're not arkies.
You're looties.
398
00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,331
The lowest of the low,
399
00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:04,235
as mentioned
multiple times recently.
400
00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,104
Mom, Dad, is that true?
401
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,305
Yes.
402
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,240
There was a time
that we were real arkies,
403
00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,409
well on our way
to reputable careers.
404
00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:12,944
But we lost sight
of what mattered
405
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,379
and became looties.
406
00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,713
So that's the real reason
407
00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,482
you didn't want Saltine
to become an arky.
408
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,718
You hated the arky community
for rightfully exiling you
409
00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,454
and couldn't stand the thought
of her becoming a part of it.
410
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,957
Exactly.
We've spent the past 20 years
411
00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,558
trying to avoid the arky world.
412
00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:29,427
Maybe things were better
the way they were.
413
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,796
We don't want to taint
your good arky name
414
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,097
before you've even begun.
415
00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:34,966
You shouldn't have to pay
for our mistakes.
416
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,535
Precisely and well said.
Well, let's go, Saltine.
417
00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,838
Back to being fully
and comfortably estranged.
418
00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,173
Why are you doing this, Rip?
419
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,942
Wasn't the whole point
of this trip
420
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,710
to repair my relationship
with my parents?
421
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,011
Well, yeah, of course.
422
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,680
But I wanted that
for selfish reasons.
423
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,581
You can't leave me
to go work with your parents.
424
00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,518
-That ruins the whole plan.
-Even if it would make me happy?
425
00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,453
Yes, exactly. [chuckles]
Now you get it.
426
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,655
I'm sorry, Rip.
I can't abandon my family.
427
00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,958
Well, I thought
we were family, Saltine.
428
00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,926
You're like a father to me!
429
00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,628
[sobbing]
430
00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,531
[grunting]
431
00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,500
Saltine, would you do
to this treasure chest
432
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,470
-as you've done to our hearts?
-Would I ever.
433
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:14,605
-Whoa.
-Oh.
434
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,808
-Great work, family.
-We did it.
435
00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:19,544
Dang, Mom and Dad.
We make a great team.
436
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,913
Aw, isn't that heartwarming?
437
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,982
-Zane!
-Well, hello, everyone.
438
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,117
What's the goss? Because
I heard a juicy little item.
439
00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,853
Apparently,
I'll be taking that treasure.
440
00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,655
And I trust there's
gonna be no objections.
441
00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,424
Wrong! There will be
an objection. From me!
442
00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:34,625
Obje... Aah!
443
00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,793
[groans]
444
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,562
You know
my signature move by now.
445
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,998
The antidote for the poison
coursing through your veins
446
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,899
is back on the mainland,
thataway.
447
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,535
Meanwhile, I'll be
taking the treasure. Thisaway.
448
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:47,171
Actually,
why don't you save Saltine?
449
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,906
And we'll take the treasure?
450
00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,009
-[grunts]
-Oh, that's right! [laughs]
451
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,577
-Hit it!
-[Mona laughing]
452
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:53,911
What the bloody...
453
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,179
You've got to take her
to the antidote.
454
00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,814
Sorry, not enough room.
455
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,883
It's either her or the gold.
[laughs]
456
00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:00,852
They chose the treasure
over their own daughter.
457
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,387
-[mumbles]
-Listen, I've got to be honest,
458
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,855
I respect the hell
out of that move.
459
00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,890
Though it certainly
buggers my arse, but good.
460
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,163
Swooper! Swooper!
You need to fire up the sub.
461
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,966
First of all, hello.
Good to see you, too.
462
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,701
Second, I don't
take orders from you.
463
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,203
If you don't help me,
Saltine's gonna die.
464
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,405
[groans]
465
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,807
Saltine?
That's one of my best friends!
466
00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,242
I deserve that.
467
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,777
And there will be time enough
for punches later.
468
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,378
Right now we need to use
your sub to bring Saltine
469
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,213
-to the antidote.
-But it's not working.
470
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,382
-We're stuck here.
-Zane? What's going on?
471
00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,551
-[groans]
-Oh, my God. Saltine?
472
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,219
That's one of my best friends!
473
00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:36,687
-She's been poisoned.
-And it doesn't matter by whom,
474
00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,389
but the antidote
is on the mainland
475
00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:39,724
and we have no way
of reaching it.
476
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,392
Oh, yes, we do.
477
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,161
Hyah!
478
00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:47,565
Squawkler, I summon thee!
479
00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,369
Squawk!
480
00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:54,305
Oh, great bird, king of the sky,
481
00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,340
I need you to take us
to the mainland.
482
00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:59,710
And if you do, your life debt
shall be forgiven.
483
00:17:59,813 --> 00:18:03,147
Though my debt may be repaid,
we shall never forget
484
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,216
what you have done for our kind.
485
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,385
And to think
we considered you an enemy
486
00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,753
but one week ago,
487
00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:10,455
-before you revealed...
-There's no time
488
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,690
to rehash everything I did
for you last week, Squawkler.
489
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,125
Just get us out of here!
490
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,594
So shall it be, feather brother.
491
00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:22,166
You're not gonna die, Saltine.
Not on my watch!
492
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,402
Squawkler, your talon's really
digging into my ass, bud.
493
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:25,436
Can you ease up?
494
00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:26,704
Oh, yeah, that's better.
Thank you.
495
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,906
Saltine! Stay with me!
496
00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,709
Oh, man,
her arms are all floppy.
497
00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,278
♪ ♪
498
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,805
And that is how
we found the chest.
499
00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,473
-Any more questions?
-[reporters clamoring]
500
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,910
I have one.
How much moolah
501
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,411
did Quail Eegan
pay you for the treasure?
502
00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,047
Well, we don't like
to talk about money,
503
00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,483
but let's just say
that our bank account has
504
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,686
3,750,250 more dollars in it.
505
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:18,890
So, are you sad that
the fortune pursuit is over?
506
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,525
We will always
cherish the memory.
507
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,759
But mostly, we are happy
508
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,995
to get back
to some peace and quiet.
509
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:26,063
Yes. I thought that was
510
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,565
a killer line
when I thought of it.
511
00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,000
Thank you, everyone.
512
00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:30,501
Can I have a minute, guys?
513
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,104
Sure. We'll pack up the jeep.
514
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:36,240
Saltine! Thank goodness
you are okay.
515
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,675
No hard feelings, right?
516
00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,377
Obviously, we knew
there's no way
517
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,179
Zane would actually let you die.
518
00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,980
Otherwise we never
would have left you.
519
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:45,216
And hey, we even used
some of the money
520
00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,351
to buy you a birthday present.
521
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,122
And now that we're back
in the arky game,
522
00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,456
what do you say--
523
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,660
want to be our assistant?
Keep it in the family?
524
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,699
I have a family.
525
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,804
Everyone buckled up?
526
00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,106
Yeah. Let's get out of here.
527
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,743
Actually, wait one second.
I forgot something.
528
00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,047
-Hey! You two!
-MONA: Us?
529
00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:18,416
RIP: Yeah, Sam, Mona,
I'm talking to you.
530
00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,051
-MONA: What?
-RIP: You don't deserve
531
00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:23,888
someone as good as Saltine,
you huge fucking pieces of shit!
532
00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,724
She's the most talented
assistant arky I've ever seen,
533
00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,227
and you risked her life
over some treasure?
534
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,394
How dare you?!
535
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:31,762
I'd never say this to her face
536
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,564
because I don't want her
getting a big ego.
537
00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,800
But, honestly,
I think she fucking rocks.
538
00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,835
-MONA: Can I say something here?
-RIP: And also... What? No.
539
00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,870
I won't let you speak,
you fucking turd!
540
00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:41,272
You've said enough.
541
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,741
It's my turn to tell you
you fucked up big-time,
542
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,176
you fuckin' jags.
543
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,677
You know what I think
of your precious property?
544
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,279
-Here, I'll show you.
-[pants unzip]
545
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:49,747
-[Mona and Sam exclaim]
-RIP: That's right.
546
00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:53,351
I'm gonna piss
all over your yard. [grunts]
547
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:56,921
Yep. Get ready to see
some major yellow.
548
00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,189
[groans]
549
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,458
Got a little bit
of stage fright going on.
550
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,127
Would you please not look at me?
551
00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:04,795
Aw, shit. What the fuck?
552
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,064
Okay, push, Rip, push.
553
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,532
-[fart]
-MONA: Ugh! Ew.
554
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,434
RIP: Okay, well,
same result, I guess.
555
00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:12,737
Now then, where was I,
you frigging choads?!
556
00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:14,605
Oh, yeah-- Saltine rules.
557
00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:41,132
Chirp.
558
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,138
♪ MTV ♪
42541
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