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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,281 --> 00:00:15,814 -[birds squawking] -[screaming] -RIP: Whoa! Go, go, go, go! 2 00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,182 Faster, Swooper! 3 00:00:17,284 --> 00:00:19,218 They're gaining on us! Whoa! 4 00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,886 -Step on it! -I'm trying! 5 00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,021 Squawk! 6 00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,223 That flying machine belongs to us! 7 00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:26,392 It belongs in the Da Vinci Museum. 8 00:00:26,494 --> 00:00:28,360 -You stole it. -Because your kind broke 9 00:00:28,429 --> 00:00:30,963 the ancient truce between man and bird. 10 00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,165 Mankind wasn't meant to fly. 11 00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,634 Mankind was meant to die! 12 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:38,037 -Squawk! -Saltine, pull me up. 13 00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,505 I can fight them off with my whip. 14 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,274 -[sighs] -Saltine? What are you doing? 15 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:43,709 AGATHA: They're getting closer, Rip. 16 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,110 -Got any words for your fans? -Why are you 17 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:46,345 -filming me? -You need to connect 18 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:47,980 with Rip Nation more often to boost 19 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:50,349 -your online profile. -Not now, Agatha! 20 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:51,884 We're done for! We can't outrun them! 21 00:00:52,053 --> 00:00:53,852 Saltine, pull me up. 22 00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,220 -Saltine! -Squawk! 23 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,923 -What's the point? -Oh, God. This is it. 24 00:00:58,025 --> 00:00:59,758 We're dead! We're fucking dead! 25 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,693 Oh, God, I'm so scared. I always thought I'd be brave 26 00:01:01,796 --> 00:01:03,495 when it happened, but I'm scared as shit. 27 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,398 I'm gonna shit myself and then I'm gonna die! 28 00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,734 ♪ ♪ 29 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:22,481 RIP: Well, it's a miracle 30 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:24,016 we got out of that situation 31 00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:26,385 and delivered the flying machine to the Da Vinci Museum. 32 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,954 And I have no interest in rehashing how we did it, 33 00:01:29,056 --> 00:01:30,856 but it was no thanks to you, Saltine. 34 00:01:30,958 --> 00:01:32,925 -What's going on with you? -I don't know. 35 00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:35,094 Nothing, I guess. 36 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:37,763 -Why is she so moody lately? -I think I know. 37 00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,364 You know how it was her birthday last week? 38 00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:43,268 Yes, as I recall, she took her birthday noogies quite well. 39 00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:44,770 Well, her parents didn't call her, 40 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,371 didn't send a card, nothing. 41 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,606 Wow, and you guys were mad at me 42 00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,241 for getting her a scale as a gift. 43 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,177 Guess I'm looking pretty good by comparison now. 44 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:55,781 -No, you still look bad. -But not by comparison, Agatha. 45 00:01:55,850 --> 00:01:58,383 You have to admit that by comparison, I look great. 46 00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:00,719 Look, even though Saltine plays it down, 47 00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:02,421 the fact that her parents disowned her 48 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,657 for becoming an arky obviously still bothers her sometimes. 49 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,993 I just don't get why they think being an arky is so bad. 50 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,496 It's not like we're looties, always stealing and looting, 51 00:02:10,631 --> 00:02:12,965 which, as we all know, is how they got their name. 52 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,600 Families can be tricky, Rip. 53 00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:15,901 Hmm, perhaps you're right. 54 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,503 You know, I have a lot of experience 55 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,037 with complicated family relationships myself. 56 00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,607 Growing up in Brazil, my twin brother Zip and I 57 00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:24,776 had a lot of issues with our parents. 58 00:02:24,879 --> 00:02:26,912 Okay, I think I know what I need to do. 59 00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,381 The fuck did he just say? 60 00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,449 SALTINE: Is this really necessary, Rip? 61 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,783 RIP: What do you mean? 62 00:02:31,886 --> 00:02:33,285 -Why did you blindfold me? -Uhp, uhp, uhp. 63 00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,254 So you wouldn't know where we were going. 64 00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:37,189 Okay, but then why did you chloroform me? 65 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,657 Made it easier to get the blindfold on. 66 00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:40,993 And then why did you also blindfold Fleety? 67 00:02:41,095 --> 00:02:42,327 We thought it'd be cute. 68 00:02:42,429 --> 00:02:43,729 -[exclaims] -SALTINE: Honestly, 69 00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,265 it's just magnifying how jacked up his teeth are. 70 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,900 -Ugh. -[whimpers] 71 00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,235 [singsongy] Okay, we're here. 72 00:02:50,304 --> 00:02:53,338 SALTINE: My parents' house? 73 00:02:54,441 --> 00:02:55,841 Why the hell did you bring me here? 74 00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,409 For business reasons, naturally. 75 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:59,244 I'm trying to train you to become a full arky, 76 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:01,346 but you've been way too moody lately at work. 77 00:03:01,448 --> 00:03:03,248 And I know it's because of your bad relationship 78 00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:04,816 -with your parents. -So? 79 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:06,652 So I can't have a distracted assistant. 80 00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:08,320 It puts all of our lives at risk. 81 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,855 So I'm here to help fix your relationship 82 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,390 with your parents once and for all. 83 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:12,858 -MONA: Saltine? -[gasps] 84 00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:14,660 We told you never to come back here. 85 00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:17,029 -We were very clear. -We were very clear. 86 00:03:17,097 --> 00:03:18,497 You have been disowned. 87 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:21,633 Okay, if someone told me this family was functional, 88 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,670 I'd say, "Uh, you forgot the 'dys.'" 89 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:28,040 I got to say, this is quite a bounty for unwelcomed guests. 90 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,708 Of course. We're not animals. 91 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:32,211 -Cookie? -You're supposed to say no three times. 92 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:34,446 -It's a Persian thing. -Oh, no, thank you. 93 00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,949 -Please, I insist. -Nope, really, I'm okay. 94 00:03:37,051 --> 00:03:39,251 For you, I'm sure eating a cookie is nothing, 95 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:41,720 but for me, it would be everything. 96 00:03:41,855 --> 00:03:43,789 -Mm-mmm. -Uh, no? 97 00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,191 Eat this cookie or I will walk into the ocean 98 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:47,993 with my pockets full of stones! 99 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:49,761 -Now you can eat it. -Oh, thank God. 100 00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,230 [grunting] 101 00:03:51,332 --> 00:03:53,398 All right, let's repair this relationship. 102 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:55,367 Maybe if you guys just hug really hard. 103 00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,369 I'd rather hug a bug. 104 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:59,104 Okay, Saltine, you didn't warn me 105 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:01,840 your mom is a full tilt snap queen. 106 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,276 Being an arky is utterly shameful. 107 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,211 No, it is not. It's shameless. 108 00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:07,646 Rip, that's also bad. 109 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,382 Oh, man. What is with the English language? 110 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:11,917 So many twists and turns, right? 111 00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:13,385 I wish we were having this conversation 112 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,254 in my native Portuguese. 113 00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,755 Saltine, you disobeyed our wishes. 114 00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,224 One, we wish for you to have perfect vision, 115 00:04:19,326 --> 00:04:22,794 and two, we wish for you not to pursue archaeology. 116 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,496 What's so bad about being an arky? 117 00:04:24,565 --> 00:04:27,099 It's not like we're looties, the scum of the whole Earth. 118 00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,067 Arkies are worse. They are reckless. 119 00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:31,169 -[chuckles] Yeah, that's true. -They're glory seekers. 120 00:04:31,272 --> 00:04:32,671 -Can't argue with that. -They're buffoons. 121 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,273 -Guilty. -They lack a moral compass. 122 00:04:34,408 --> 00:04:36,275 If you hadn't said "moral," I'd be arguing with you 123 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,543 so much right now. But, yeah, that one is also accurate. 124 00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:41,747 Their lifestyles are an unending parade of sex and drugs. 125 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,915 Yep, and hard drugs, too. They make the sex better. 126 00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:45,617 Or worse, depending on your goals 127 00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,185 -and/or sensitivity levels. -This is like 128 00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:49,121 Seurat's worst nightmare, Rip: 129 00:04:49,223 --> 00:04:51,023 -pointless. -There's nothing you can say. 130 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:52,391 We don't like arkies. 131 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:53,792 Even me? 132 00:04:53,894 --> 00:04:55,527 -Yes! You more than anyone. -Especially you! 133 00:04:55,596 --> 00:04:57,229 Well, you can hate me all you want, 134 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,298 but it's ridiculous to dislike your own daughter. 135 00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,400 I mean, I don't know how to put it any more clearly. 136 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:04,403 Saltine is a sockdolager, a Dutch snorter. 137 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,272 Hell, she's got more moxie than Old Coppernob. 138 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:08,540 I don't understand a word you're saying. 139 00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:10,208 What, you got Chesapeake crabs 140 00:05:10,311 --> 00:05:11,943 in your ears or something? 141 00:05:12,046 --> 00:05:14,680 Nobody talks that way to me in my house. Get out! 142 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,748 Now leave us so we can resume our simple life. 143 00:05:16,850 --> 00:05:19,885 Listening to the blissful sounds of the Chesapeake Bay. 144 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,486 -[waves lapping] -[both sigh] 145 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:23,188 -[jackhammer thudding] -[speaking Farsi] 146 00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,657 The Harrisons are starting another construction project? 147 00:05:25,759 --> 00:05:27,192 Will it never end? 148 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:29,161 [exclaims] The only thing worse than the arkies 149 00:05:29,296 --> 00:05:31,330 are the Harrisons and their nonstop 150 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,131 noisy construction projects. 151 00:05:33,233 --> 00:05:34,399 Goodbye. 152 00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:37,836 Hmm. What if... 153 00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:41,740 -[loud thudding] -[both scream] -4:55 a.m.? 154 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,476 I had another two minutes before my alarm went off. 155 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:46,511 Damn those Harrisons. [speaking Farsi] 156 00:05:46,613 --> 00:05:48,313 MONA: It's not the Harrisons. 157 00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,716 Dig, my friends, dig! [laughs] 158 00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,451 It's a wonderful day. 159 00:05:52,519 --> 00:05:54,720 Why are you destroying our private property? 160 00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:56,054 It better be because you're planning 161 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,389 on burying yourselves alive. 162 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,757 I'm gonna show you that archaeology 163 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,225 isn't just about glory-seeking. 164 00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,693 It's useful as well. 165 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:03,895 This region used to be home to the Powhatan tribe. 166 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,564 If we find evidence of a settlement, 167 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:06,998 the whole area will be protected 168 00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,667 by the Historic Preservation Act. 169 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,802 The Harrisons will have to stop construction 170 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,371 and you'll get your peace and quiet back. 171 00:06:12,506 --> 00:06:14,740 See? Archaeology rocks the house. 172 00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:17,008 The last thing I want to do is admit that I'm impressed, 173 00:06:17,111 --> 00:06:19,644 so I won't, but just know that I'm dying to. 174 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,446 Well, it was all Saltine's idea. 175 00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,482 Because Saltine is into archaeology 176 00:06:23,584 --> 00:06:24,716 for the right reasons. 177 00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:27,352 -You don't say. -I do. Loudly! 178 00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,554 ♪ ♪ 179 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:32,758 Would you look at that? 180 00:06:32,860 --> 00:06:34,760 Algonquin earthenware made of clay 181 00:06:34,862 --> 00:06:36,728 and triturated mussel shell. 182 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:38,964 -By Jove, we've done it! -[whooping] 183 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,399 SALTINE: See, guys? 184 00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:41,800 Arkies aren't all bad. 185 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,902 Maybe I can even find evidence of a yehakin, 186 00:06:43,971 --> 00:06:46,405 which is not the same thing as a wigwam. 187 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,407 Bet you thought it was. Yet another example 188 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,308 of how arkies pwn gen pop. 189 00:06:50,411 --> 00:06:52,811 And, uh, we dig-ah like-ah this. 190 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,546 -[metal clangs] -"Clunk?" 191 00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:57,015 But I was just shoveling for effect. 192 00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,383 Oh. 193 00:06:58,485 --> 00:06:59,885 Agatha, stream this. 194 00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,586 I thought you didn't want me to do that anymore. 195 00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,655 Yeah, I know, but when those likes start rolling in, 196 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,590 it feels so damn good. 197 00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:06,658 -Now go live! -AGATHA: What's good? 198 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:08,393 It's the big bitch, Swaggy Aggy, 199 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:11,196 coming at you live from Chesapeake Bay. 200 00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:14,232 Rip is deadass doing some crazy shit IRL. 201 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,967 Everyone knows Blackbeard was decapitated 202 00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,569 by Virginia's governor in 1718, 203 00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,937 and his head was displayed on a pike 204 00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:20,338 at the mouth of the Chesapeake Bay. 205 00:07:20,441 --> 00:07:21,807 But few knew his crew buried his body 206 00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:24,943 in a location most hidden, until now. 207 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:28,380 I have discovered Blackbeard's tomb. 208 00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:30,515 -[all gasp] -What's that in his pocket? 209 00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:33,251 -Just a blank sheet of paper. -No, it's a treasure map. 210 00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,687 Blackbeard's treasure. You're holding it backwards. 211 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,522 And you just showed everyone on Earth. 212 00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:38,857 Uh-oh, Ripnation. 213 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,026 Did the Ripdawg just F up big time? 214 00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:42,561 Sound off in the comments. 215 00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:49,701 -[indistinct chatter] -Rip, this is a circus. 216 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,303 -What's happening? -Once in a while, 217 00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,138 some sort of treasure map goes public, 218 00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:55,040 and it brings every arky out of the woodwork 219 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,441 for a treasure hunt. 220 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,543 Or, as arkies call it, a fortune pursuit. 221 00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,345 Get your picture with Blackbeard. 222 00:08:00,481 --> 00:08:01,947 -Hydrate with Splot. -Zane, will you 223 00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:03,048 sign my dog's butthole? 224 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,616 Bella Torres, what will you do 225 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,151 if you find the treasure? 226 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,286 Well, I've essentially been in a coma since 2011, 227 00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,088 so the first thing I'm gonna do is pay off the fines 228 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,923 on all my overdue library books. 229 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,625 I've had The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks checked out 230 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:15,360 -for over a decade. -Well, I think I speak 231 00:08:15,496 --> 00:08:18,663 for all of our viewers when I say you're a fucking nerd. 232 00:08:20,434 --> 00:08:23,134 Wow. I've never seen anything like this. 233 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:25,604 That's right. This is your first fortune pursuit 234 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,172 since joining the council. 235 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,274 We always watch these things from our hot-air balloon, 236 00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,076 far from the riffraff below. 237 00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,777 I opened this Beaujolais nouveau, 238 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,180 and the bouquet is more of an aroma. 239 00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:37,182 -Where's the trash can? -When you're in the council, 240 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,085 -the world's your trash can. -[laughs] Okay. 241 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:43,321 -Yep, one year sober today. -Congrats. Got to feel great. 242 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,490 It does. I was one of those mean drunks. 243 00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,893 One drop of alcohol and I'd start karate-chopping people 244 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,694 in the throat until they'd spray barf. 245 00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:52,364 But now I'm sober! 246 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:55,834 [people grunting, shouting] 247 00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,302 This is a disaster, Rip. 248 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,304 Yeah, in trying to help you, I've really 249 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:02,040 stepped in the proverbial turkey diarrhea. 250 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:03,074 Is that an expression? 251 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:04,376 Well, I do have idiom blindness, 252 00:09:04,478 --> 00:09:06,578 but I'm 100% sure it's a very common slang. 253 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:09,214 Anyhoo, the only way a fortune pursuit comes to an end 254 00:09:09,349 --> 00:09:10,749 is when the treasure's been found. 255 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,284 Then we better find it or my parents 256 00:09:12,386 --> 00:09:14,286 -will never un-disown me. -MONA: Actually, 257 00:09:14,388 --> 00:09:16,221 -mind if we join? -Wha...? 258 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,524 Mom? Dad? What's going on? 259 00:09:19,626 --> 00:09:21,726 Saltine, it's time we tell you the truth. 260 00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:25,297 -I'm gonna be a big sister? -No. We used to be arkies. 261 00:09:25,399 --> 00:09:27,299 -[both gasp] -And we're gonna help you 262 00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:28,567 pursue that fortune. 263 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:31,002 -Da furk? -You took the exact words 264 00:09:31,104 --> 00:09:33,338 and pronunciation out of my mouth. 265 00:09:33,407 --> 00:09:35,206 ♪ ♪ 266 00:09:35,275 --> 00:09:37,375 Okay, is this some sort of practical joke? 267 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:38,910 Just checking, 'cause medically, 268 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:40,745 I'm not able to detect that kind of thing. 269 00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:43,815 No, Saltine. Before you were born, we were arkies. 270 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,584 But then we decided to give it up. 271 00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:48,386 We didn't want to raise you in such a hedonistic environment. 272 00:09:48,522 --> 00:09:51,723 But now we see that you're not like those degenerates. 273 00:09:51,858 --> 00:09:54,259 You're in archaeology for the right reasons. 274 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:56,161 -[scoffs] -And your head is screwed on straight. 275 00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,763 Well, the only reason my head is on so straight 276 00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,166 is because you guys are the ones who screwed it on. 277 00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:03,635 -Ugh. -Well, the only reason we were able to screw it on 278 00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,237 so straight is because the hole we were screwing it into 279 00:10:06,340 --> 00:10:09,140 was such a pliant screw hole receptacle thingy place. 280 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,109 -Come on. -Aw, Mom. 281 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:12,711 So, you don't mind if we team up? 282 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,512 Of course not. This is great. 283 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,015 Yeah, great. Just one question, though. 284 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,451 If you guys were arkies, how come I haven't heard of you? 285 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,119 It was before we moved to America. 286 00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,622 And we were never famous like you. 287 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:26,057 Well, obrigado, I was and remain famous, 288 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,692 the best thing one can be. 289 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,928 But "irregardulous," If that's true, 290 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,196 I don't want to get slowed down 291 00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,064 by a bunch of out-of-practice arkies 292 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,966 who haven't been in the field for decades. 293 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:36,201 It'll be hard enough to figure out 294 00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,769 where the fortune is on my own. 295 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,638 -Hmm. Let me see the map. -It's an island. 296 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,240 But no island in the Chesapeake is shaped like this. 297 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,309 That is probably due to global warming. 298 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,611 This map was drawn 300 years ago, 299 00:10:46,713 --> 00:10:48,046 when the sea levels were lower. 300 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:51,116 If you trim away the coastline here and here, 301 00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:52,550 -voilà! -That's Watt's Island. 302 00:10:52,653 --> 00:10:55,186 Whoa. Score one for the parental unit. 303 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:56,554 [mumbling] I mean, yeah, it was kind of a lucky guess, 304 00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:57,789 and I am the one who found the map. 305 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,290 What was that, Rippy? 306 00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:00,792 -You're kind of trailing off. -[clearly] Nothing. 307 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,394 All right, Swooper, gas up the submersible 308 00:11:02,496 --> 00:11:05,330 'cause we're about to get submersed. 309 00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:08,767 By using this 310 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,068 state-of-the-art submersible, 311 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,636 nobody will be able to follow us. 312 00:11:11,738 --> 00:11:14,172 -Someone's following us. -Caramba! 313 00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:17,308 Hello, Rippy. 314 00:11:17,411 --> 00:11:18,810 I saw you taking off in a hurry 315 00:11:18,912 --> 00:11:20,278 and I figured you must have a lead. 316 00:11:20,380 --> 00:11:21,579 Hope you don't mind if I follow you 317 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:22,681 in my much better submersible. 318 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,649 -Swooper, gun it! -Aye, aye, sir. 319 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,893 Now you're stuck, idiot! 320 00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:40,732 -[laughs] -Stupid seaweed elasticity. 321 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:41,733 Swooper, watch out! 322 00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:43,001 A shoal of mackerel! 323 00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,536 And a risk of lobsters! 324 00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:46,738 And a consortium of crabs! 325 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,741 Those are all the actual terms, you know. Oh! 326 00:11:53,980 --> 00:11:55,346 Uh-oh! 327 00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:56,881 [all exclaim] 328 00:11:57,017 --> 00:11:58,316 My thermos of RumChata! 329 00:11:58,418 --> 00:12:01,886 Uh-oh, ol' Swoops isn't feeling so good. 330 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:05,323 Cornelia? Is that you? Kiss me, my darling. 331 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,858 With tongue, of course. 332 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,294 Oh, no, we're doomed. Swooper is our lone pilot. 333 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,795 No one else can drive a submarine. 334 00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,297 Even though it looks super easy 335 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,798 like you just point it the way you want to go. 336 00:12:13,934 --> 00:12:15,400 -Not so fast. Mona? -On it. 337 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:19,537 You think you can lose Zane? Dream on, buttcheese. 338 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:23,041 -See that up ahead? -That smack of jellyfish? 339 00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:25,143 -Exactly what I was thinking. -A smack? 340 00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,245 I didn't even know it was called that. 341 00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,253 Hold on to your fedoras. 342 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,289 Oh, no, you don't. 343 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,593 Oh, for... I can't even see. 344 00:12:41,695 --> 00:12:43,628 Trisket, go out there and squeegee the jellyfish. 345 00:12:43,764 --> 00:12:45,764 Okay, confession time. 346 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:48,700 When I said I could deep sea dive on my résumé, 347 00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:50,635 that was not true. 348 00:12:57,944 --> 00:13:00,512 Mom, I didn't know you could drive a submarine. 349 00:13:00,614 --> 00:13:02,914 Of course. There's lots I can drive. 350 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:06,484 Aircraft, watercraft, spacecraft, your father crazy... 351 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:08,019 [all laugh] 352 00:13:08,088 --> 00:13:11,289 Uh, hey, I hate to interrupt the fuck-fest over there, 353 00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:14,192 but our submersible isn't looking so good. 354 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,560 -We got to fix it up, pronto. -SALTINE: Got it. 355 00:13:15,629 --> 00:13:17,228 So, why don't I go with my parents 356 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,430 to find the treasure and you and Swooper can fix the sub? 357 00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:20,999 Oh. Oh, yeah, I guess so. 358 00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,002 Or Swooper can just work on it while I go with you guys. 359 00:13:27,841 --> 00:13:29,140 Or I could stay and help Swooper. 360 00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,843 Yes, you not joining us would be perfect. 361 00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:33,244 MONA: Oh, Saltine, 362 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,746 -we have so much to catch up on. -[Saltine laughs] 363 00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:38,383 Agatha, there's something I want you to do for me. 364 00:13:38,485 --> 00:13:42,086 Open Safari, type in H-T-T-P-S, 365 00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:43,822 colon, backslash, 366 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:46,624 backslash, Google.com, 367 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:48,326 uh, and then type the following 368 00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:51,095 into the search window within the browser using the buttons 369 00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:55,300 on your desktop computer's QWERTY keyboard. 370 00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,239 How great is it that Saltine and her parents 371 00:14:01,374 --> 00:14:02,407 are getting along now? 372 00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,575 They're basically just like 373 00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:04,976 three peas in a pod. 374 00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:06,744 -Just like you wanted, Rippy. -[grunting softly] 375 00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:08,847 And heck, now that Saltine knows her parents are also arkies, 376 00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,481 it's only a matter of time 377 00:14:10,584 --> 00:14:12,217 before she leaves us and starts working with them. 378 00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,519 You must be really happy that your plan to reunite 379 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,654 Saltine with her parents has worked out so well. 380 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:18,556 Maybe they'll even hire me and Agatha. 381 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:21,793 That's it! I need to stretch my gams. 382 00:14:21,895 --> 00:14:23,027 Oh... 383 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:24,796 [all cheering] 384 00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:27,832 I think RumChata sucks. 385 00:14:27,934 --> 00:14:29,400 And so does jazz. 386 00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,536 SALTINE: Yeah, Mom! 387 00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,872 Slap that snake. [laughs] 388 00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,741 Eyes wide shut! 389 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,042 [phone chimes] 390 00:14:39,179 --> 00:14:41,546 Agatha, you genius. 391 00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,182 Rip, over here! We found the treasure chest. 392 00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:46,517 Yeah, that's nice and all, but it pales in comparison 393 00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:48,953 to the shocking news I've come to impart. 394 00:14:49,823 --> 00:14:52,457 Your parents didn't voluntarily give up being arkies. 395 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,158 They were expelled from the Arky Union 396 00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:56,294 after they were caught looting archaeological sites. 397 00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,696 You're not arkies. You're looties. 398 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,331 The lowest of the low, 399 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:04,235 as mentioned multiple times recently. 400 00:15:04,304 --> 00:15:06,104 Mom, Dad, is that true? 401 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,305 Yes. 402 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,240 There was a time that we were real arkies, 403 00:15:09,342 --> 00:15:11,409 well on our way to reputable careers. 404 00:15:11,544 --> 00:15:12,944 But we lost sight of what mattered 405 00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,379 and became looties. 406 00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:15,713 So that's the real reason 407 00:15:15,815 --> 00:15:17,482 you didn't want Saltine to become an arky. 408 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,718 You hated the arky community for rightfully exiling you 409 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,454 and couldn't stand the thought of her becoming a part of it. 410 00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,957 Exactly. We've spent the past 20 years 411 00:15:26,059 --> 00:15:27,558 trying to avoid the arky world. 412 00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:29,427 Maybe things were better the way they were. 413 00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:31,796 We don't want to taint your good arky name 414 00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:33,097 before you've even begun. 415 00:15:33,199 --> 00:15:34,966 You shouldn't have to pay for our mistakes. 416 00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:37,535 Precisely and well said. Well, let's go, Saltine. 417 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,838 Back to being fully and comfortably estranged. 418 00:15:40,941 --> 00:15:42,173 Why are you doing this, Rip? 419 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,942 Wasn't the whole point of this trip 420 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,710 to repair my relationship with my parents? 421 00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,011 Well, yeah, of course. 422 00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:48,680 But I wanted that for selfish reasons. 423 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,581 You can't leave me to go work with your parents. 424 00:15:50,684 --> 00:15:53,518 -That ruins the whole plan. -Even if it would make me happy? 425 00:15:53,620 --> 00:15:55,453 Yes, exactly. [chuckles] Now you get it. 426 00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:57,655 I'm sorry, Rip. I can't abandon my family. 427 00:15:57,757 --> 00:15:59,958 Well, I thought we were family, Saltine. 428 00:16:00,060 --> 00:16:01,926 You're like a father to me! 429 00:16:02,062 --> 00:16:03,628 [sobbing] 430 00:16:05,265 --> 00:16:06,531 [grunting] 431 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:09,500 Saltine, would you do to this treasure chest 432 00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:12,470 -as you've done to our hearts? -Would I ever. 433 00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:14,605 -Whoa. -Oh. 434 00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,808 -Great work, family. -We did it. 435 00:16:16,876 --> 00:16:19,544 Dang, Mom and Dad. We make a great team. 436 00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,913 Aw, isn't that heartwarming? 437 00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,982 -Zane! -Well, hello, everyone. 438 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,117 What's the goss? Because I heard a juicy little item. 439 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,853 Apparently, I'll be taking that treasure. 440 00:16:28,955 --> 00:16:30,655 And I trust there's gonna be no objections. 441 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:33,424 Wrong! There will be an objection. From me! 442 00:16:33,526 --> 00:16:34,625 Obje... Aah! 443 00:16:34,694 --> 00:16:35,793 [groans] 444 00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,562 You know my signature move by now. 445 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,998 The antidote for the poison coursing through your veins 446 00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,899 is back on the mainland, thataway. 447 00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:44,535 Meanwhile, I'll be taking the treasure. Thisaway. 448 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:47,171 Actually, why don't you save Saltine? 449 00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,906 And we'll take the treasure? 450 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,009 -[grunts] -Oh, that's right! [laughs] 451 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,577 -Hit it! -[Mona laughing] 452 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:53,911 What the bloody... 453 00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:55,179 You've got to take her to the antidote. 454 00:16:55,315 --> 00:16:56,814 Sorry, not enough room. 455 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,883 It's either her or the gold. [laughs] 456 00:16:58,985 --> 00:17:00,852 They chose the treasure over their own daughter. 457 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,387 -[mumbles] -Listen, I've got to be honest, 458 00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:03,855 I respect the hell out of that move. 459 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,890 Though it certainly buggers my arse, but good. 460 00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,163 Swooper! Swooper! You need to fire up the sub. 461 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,966 First of all, hello. Good to see you, too. 462 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:16,701 Second, I don't take orders from you. 463 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:19,203 If you don't help me, Saltine's gonna die. 464 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:20,405 [groans] 465 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,807 Saltine? That's one of my best friends! 466 00:17:22,909 --> 00:17:24,242 I deserve that. 467 00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,777 And there will be time enough for punches later. 468 00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:27,378 Right now we need to use your sub to bring Saltine 469 00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,213 -to the antidote. -But it's not working. 470 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,382 -We're stuck here. -Zane? What's going on? 471 00:17:31,451 --> 00:17:33,551 -[groans] -Oh, my God. Saltine? 472 00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,219 That's one of my best friends! 473 00:17:35,321 --> 00:17:36,687 -She's been poisoned. -And it doesn't matter by whom, 474 00:17:36,823 --> 00:17:38,389 but the antidote is on the mainland 475 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:39,724 and we have no way of reaching it. 476 00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,392 Oh, yes, we do. 477 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:43,161 Hyah! 478 00:17:43,263 --> 00:17:47,565 Squawkler, I summon thee! 479 00:17:48,568 --> 00:17:51,369 Squawk! 480 00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:54,305 Oh, great bird, king of the sky, 481 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,340 I need you to take us to the mainland. 482 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:59,710 And if you do, your life debt shall be forgiven. 483 00:17:59,813 --> 00:18:03,147 Though my debt may be repaid, we shall never forget 484 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,216 what you have done for our kind. 485 00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,385 And to think we considered you an enemy 486 00:18:07,454 --> 00:18:08,753 but one week ago, 487 00:18:08,822 --> 00:18:10,455 -before you revealed... -There's no time 488 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,690 to rehash everything I did for you last week, Squawkler. 489 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,125 Just get us out of here! 490 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,594 So shall it be, feather brother. 491 00:18:19,265 --> 00:18:22,166 You're not gonna die, Saltine. Not on my watch! 492 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,402 Squawkler, your talon's really digging into my ass, bud. 493 00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:25,436 Can you ease up? 494 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:26,704 Oh, yeah, that's better. Thank you. 495 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,906 Saltine! Stay with me! 496 00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:31,709 Oh, man, her arms are all floppy. 497 00:18:31,778 --> 00:18:34,278 ♪ ♪ 498 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:00,805 And that is how we found the chest. 499 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:02,473 -Any more questions? -[reporters clamoring] 500 00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,910 I have one. How much moolah 501 00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:07,411 did Quail Eegan pay you for the treasure? 502 00:19:07,514 --> 00:19:10,047 Well, we don't like to talk about money, 503 00:19:10,183 --> 00:19:12,483 but let's just say that our bank account has 504 00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,686 3,750,250 more dollars in it. 505 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:18,890 So, are you sad that the fortune pursuit is over? 506 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,525 We will always cherish the memory. 507 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:21,759 But mostly, we are happy 508 00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:23,995 to get back to some peace and quiet. 509 00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:26,063 Yes. I thought that was 510 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:27,565 a killer line when I thought of it. 511 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:29,000 Thank you, everyone. 512 00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:30,501 Can I have a minute, guys? 513 00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,104 Sure. We'll pack up the jeep. 514 00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:36,240 Saltine! Thank goodness you are okay. 515 00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:37,675 No hard feelings, right? 516 00:19:37,810 --> 00:19:39,377 Obviously, we knew there's no way 517 00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:41,179 Zane would actually let you die. 518 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:42,980 Otherwise we never would have left you. 519 00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:45,216 And hey, we even used some of the money 520 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,351 to buy you a birthday present. 521 00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,122 And now that we're back in the arky game, 522 00:19:51,191 --> 00:19:52,456 what do you say-- 523 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:55,660 want to be our assistant? Keep it in the family? 524 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,699 I have a family. 525 00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:06,804 Everyone buckled up? 526 00:20:06,873 --> 00:20:09,106 Yeah. Let's get out of here. 527 00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:12,743 Actually, wait one second. I forgot something. 528 00:20:14,681 --> 00:20:16,047 -Hey! You two! -MONA: Us? 529 00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:18,416 RIP: Yeah, Sam, Mona, I'm talking to you. 530 00:20:18,518 --> 00:20:20,051 -MONA: What? -RIP: You don't deserve 531 00:20:20,153 --> 00:20:23,888 someone as good as Saltine, you huge fucking pieces of shit! 532 00:20:23,990 --> 00:20:26,724 She's the most talented assistant arky I've ever seen, 533 00:20:26,826 --> 00:20:29,227 and you risked her life over some treasure? 534 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,394 How dare you?! 535 00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:31,762 I'd never say this to her face 536 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:33,564 because I don't want her getting a big ego. 537 00:20:33,666 --> 00:20:35,800 But, honestly, I think she fucking rocks. 538 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,835 -MONA: Can I say something here? -RIP: And also... What? No. 539 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,870 I won't let you speak, you fucking turd! 540 00:20:39,973 --> 00:20:41,272 You've said enough. 541 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,741 It's my turn to tell you you fucked up big-time, 542 00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,176 you fuckin' jags. 543 00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,677 You know what I think of your precious property? 544 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,279 -Here, I'll show you. -[pants unzip] 545 00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:49,747 -[Mona and Sam exclaim] -RIP: That's right. 546 00:20:49,849 --> 00:20:53,351 I'm gonna piss all over your yard. [grunts] 547 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:56,921 Yep. Get ready to see some major yellow. 548 00:20:57,056 --> 00:20:58,189 [groans] 549 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,458 Got a little bit of stage fright going on. 550 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,127 Would you please not look at me? 551 00:21:03,263 --> 00:21:04,795 Aw, shit. What the fuck? 552 00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:07,064 Okay, push, Rip, push. 553 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:08,532 -[fart] -MONA: Ugh! Ew. 554 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,434 RIP: Okay, well, same result, I guess. 555 00:21:10,536 --> 00:21:12,737 Now then, where was I, you frigging choads?! 556 00:21:12,839 --> 00:21:14,605 Oh, yeah-- Saltine rules. 557 00:21:40,033 --> 00:21:41,132 Chirp. 558 00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,138 ♪ MTV ♪ 42541

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