Original subtitles

Bye.

Why?

Why? Why?

Why?

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you

wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?

Boy,

these conservatives are really something, aren't they? They're all in

the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you're born, you're

on your own.

No -life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine

months. After that, they don't want to know about you. They don't want to hear

from you. No, nothing.

No neonatal care, no daycare, no Head Start, no school lunch, no food stamps,

welfare, no nothing. If you're pre -born, you're fine.

If you're pre -school, you're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a shit about you until you reach military age.

Then they think you are just fine, just what they've been looking for.

Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Pro -life.

Pro -life.

These people aren't pro -life, they're killing doctors.

What kind of pro -life is that?

What, they'll do anything they can to save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a

doctor, they just might have to kill it?

They're not pro -life. You know what they are? They're anti -woman.

Simple as it gets. Anti -woman.

They don't like them.

They don't like women.

They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the

Pro -life. You don't see many of these white anti -abortion women volunteering

to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you?

No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you?

No, that might be something Christ would do.

And you won't see a lot of these pro -life people dousing themselves in

and lighting themselves on fire.

You know, morally committed religious people in South Vietnam knew how to

a goddamn demonstration, didn't they? Huh?

They knew how to put on a fucking protest.

Light yourself on fire!

Come on, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke to match that fire in

your belly.

Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and

when it's a chicken, it's an omelet?

Are

we

so much better than chickens all of a sudden?

When did this happen, that we passed chickens and goodness?

Name six ways we're better than chickens.

See, nobody can do it.

You know why?

Because chickens are decent people.

You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you?

You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts

a car battery, do you?

When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit

out of his hand?

Doesn't happen.

Because chickens are decent people.

But let's get back to this abortion shit. Now, is a fetus a human being?

seems to be the central question.

Well, if a fetus is a human being, how come the census doesn't count them?

If a fetus is a human being, how come when there's a miscarriage, they don't

have a funeral?

If a fetus is a human being, how come people say we have two children and one

the way instead of saying we have three children?

People say life begins at conception.

I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Continuous just keeps rolling along.

Rolling and rolling and rolling along.

I said, you know something?

Listen, you can go back further than that. What about the carbon atoms?

Huh?

Human life could not exist without carbon.

So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this coal?

Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti -abortion arguments.

See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization.

Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes the egg, which is usually a few moments

after the man says, gee, honey, I was going to pull out, but the phone rang

it startled me.

But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it

reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins. And not every egg makes it that far. 80

% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once

month during those delightful few days she has.

They wind up on sanitary napkins and yet they are fertilized eggs.

So basically what these anti -abortion people are telling us is that any woman

who's had more than one period is a serial killer.

Consistency.

Consistency.

Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious, what about all the sperm that

wasted when the state executes a condemned man and one of these pro -life

who's watching comes in his pants, huh?

Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies

and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word to that guy.

Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Speaking of consistency, Catholics, which I was until I reached the age of

reason, Catholics and

other

Christians are against abortions and they're against homosexuals. Well, who

less abortions than homosexuals?

Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ's sakes.

There is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion.

And the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside.

You'd think they'd make natural allies.

Go look for consistency in religion.

And speaking to my friends, the Catholics, when John Cardinal O 'Connor

York and some of these other cardinals and bishops have experienced their first

pregnancies and their first labor pains and they've raised a couple of children

on a minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about

abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Enlightened. True. But.

But.

In the meantime. time, what they ought to be doing is telling these priests who

took a vow of chastity to keep their hands off the altar boys.

When Jesus said, suffer the little children,

come unto me, that's not what he was talking about.

So you know what I tell these anti -abortion people? I say, hey, hey.

If you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try getting a fetus to

the shit stains out of your underwear.

For no pay and no pension.

I tell them, think of an abortion as term limits. That's all it is.

Biological term limits.

But you know, the longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear

this phrase, sanctity of life.

You've heard that.

Sanctity of life. You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of

Well, I mean, life is sacred. Who said so?

God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading

of death.

Has been for thousands of years.

Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all taking turns killing each other because

God told them it was a good idea.

The sword of God, the blood of the lamb, vengeance is mine.

Millions of dead motherfuckers.

Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to

God question.

You believe in God?

No.

Dead.

You believe in God? Yes.

You believe in my God? No.

Dead.

My God has a bigger dick than your God.

Thousands of years, and all the best wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal

fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me, eh? Anytime a

bunch of holy people want to kill each other, I'm a happy guy.

But don't be giving me all this shit about the sanctity of life.

I mean, even if there were such a thing, I don't think it's something you can

blame on God.

Now, you know where the sanctity of life came from?

We made it up.

You know why?

Because we're alive.

Self -interest.

Living people have a strong interest in promoting the idea that somehow life is

sacred. You don't see Abbott and Costello running around talking about

shit, do you?

We're not hearing a whole lot from Mussolini on the subject.

What's the latest from JFK?

Not a goddamn thing.

Because JFK, Mussolini, and Abbott and Costello are fucking dead.

They're fucking dead.

And dead people give less than a shit about the sanctity of life.

Only living people care about it, so the whole thing grows out of a completely

biased point of view.

It's a self -serving, man -made bullshit story.

It's one of these things we tell ourselves so we'll feel noble.

Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble.

Let me ask you this. If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive

is going to die, where does the sacred part come in?

I'm having trouble with that.

Because, I mean, even with the stuff we preach about the sanctity of life, we

don't practice it.

We don't practice it. Look at what we kill.

Mosquitoes and flies?

Because they're pests.

Lions and tigers?

Because it's fun.

Chickens and pigs?

Because we're hungry.

Pheasants and quails? Because it's fun.

And we're hungry.

And people?

We kill people.

Because they're pests.

And it's fun.

And you might have noticed something else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem

apply to cancer cells, does it? You rarely see a bumper sticker that says,

the tumors.

Or I break for advanced melanoma.

Viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. coli bacteria, the crabs.

Nothing sacred about those things.

So at best, the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing.

We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the

rest. Pretty neat deal, huh?

You know how we got it? We made the whole fucking thing up!

Made it up! The same way... Thank you.

The same way we made up the death penalty.

We made them both up, sanctity of life and the death penalty.

Aren't we versatile?

And you know, in this country now, there are a lot of people who want to expand

the death penalty to include drug dealers.

This is really stupid.

Drug dealers aren't afraid to die.

They're already killing each other every day on the streets by the hundreds.

Drive -bys, gang shootings, they're not afraid to die.

Death penalty doesn't mean anything unless you use it on people who are

to die.

Like the bankers who launder the drug money.

The bankers who launder.

The drug money.

Forget the dealers. You want to slow down that drug traffic, you got to start

executing a few of these fucking bankers.

White, middle class, Republican bankers.

And I'm not talking about soft American executions like lethal injection.

I'm talking about fucking crucifixion, folks.

back crucifixions, a form of capital punishment that Christians and Jews of

America can really appreciate.

And I'd go a little further. I'd crucify people upside down, like St. Peter,

feet up, head down, and naked. I'd have naked upside down crucifixions on TV

once a week at halftime of the Monday night football game.

The Monday night crucifixions.

You'd have people tuning in don't even care about football.

Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Dierdorf explain why the nails have to go in at a

certain angle?

And I'll guarantee you one thing. You start executing, you start nailing one

white banker per week to a big wooden cross on national TV, you're going to

that drug traffic begin to slow down pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking

You won't even be able to buy drugs in schools and prisons anymore.

Now, I don't care about capital punishment one way or another because I

doesn't do anything. It doesn't do anything except maybe satisfy a kind of

biblical need for revenge.

You know, if you read the Bible, you see that it's full of retribution and

revenge. So really, capital punishment is kind of a religious ritual.

It's a purification rite. It's a modern sacrament. And as long as that's true, I

say, let's liven it up a little.

I honestly believe if you make the death penalty a little more entertaining and

learn to market it correctly, you just might be able to raise enough money to

balance the stupid fucking budget.

And

don't forget,

the polls show the American people want capital punishment and they want a

balanced budget. And I think even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what

they want once in a while.

Just to feed this illusion that they're really in charge.

Let's use capital punishment the same way we use sports and television in this

country to distract people and take their minds off how bad they're being

by the upper 1%. Now, unfortunately...

Unfortunately, Monday Night Football doesn't last long enough. What we really

need is year -round capital punishment on TV every night with sponsors.

Gotta have sponsors.

I'm sure as long as we're killing people, Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow

will be proud to participate.

Proud to participate.

Balance this stupid fucking budget.

And let me say this to you, my interesting Judeo -Christian friends,

Not only do I recommend crucifixions, I'd be in favor of bringing back

beheadings.

Beheadings on TV, slow motion, instant replay.

And maybe you could let the heads roll down a little hill and fall into one of

five numbered holes.

Let the people at home gamble on which hole the head is going to fall into.

And you do it in a stadium so the mob can gamble on it too.

Raise a little more money. And if you want to expand the violence a little

longer to sell a few more commercials, instead of using an ax, you do the

beheadings with a handsaw.

Hey, don't bail out on me now, goddammit.

The blood is already on our hands. All we're talking about is a matter of

degree.

You want something a little more delicate? We'll do the beheadings with

fork.

That would be nice, and it would take a good goddamn long time.

There's a lot of good things we could be doing.

When's the last time we burned someone at the stake?

It's been too long.

Here's another form of capital punishment. It comes out of a nice, rich

religious tradition.

Burning people at the stake.

Sponsor, Bridgeford Charcoal.

And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings.

The Sunday morning evangelicals send us an offering, praise Jesus, human

bonfire.

You don't think that would get big ratings? In this sick fucking country?

Shit, you'd have people skipping church to watch this stuff.

And you take the money they send in in the offerings and you use it to balance

the budget.

What about boiling people in oil?

Boy, those were the days, weren't they?

You get the oil going real good, you know? A nice high rolling boil.

And then slowly, at the end of a rope, you lower the perpetrator headfirst into

the boiling oil.

Huh? You talk about fun shit.

And just to encourage citizen participation, you let the mob in the

control the speed of the rope.

Good, clean, wholesome family entertainment.

The kids will love it. The kids will love it.

And at the same time they're enjoying themselves, we're teaching them a nice

Christian moral lesson.

Boiling people in oil.

Sponsor? Crisco.

And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all these guys, every now and then you can

French fry a couple of them, you know?

French fried felons. Dip a guy in egg batter just for a goof, you know?

Kind of a tempura thing, huh?

Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this shit, did he?

Jeffrey Dahmer, eat your heart out.

Which is an interesting thought on the other side.

All right,

enough nostalgia. What about some modern forms of capital punishment?

How about we throw a guy off the World Trade Center and whoever he lands on

the publisher's clearinghouse?

Okay, something a little more sophisticated.

You dip a guy in brown gravy and lock him in a small room with a wolverine

high on angel dust.

There's one guy who's not going to be fucking with too many kids at the bus

for a while.

Here's something really nice you could do.

You shoot a guy out of a high -speed catapult right into a brick wall.

Trouble is, it would be over too quick.

No good for TV, you know. You'd have to do a whole bunch of guys right in a row.

Rapid fire capital punishment.

Fifteen catapults. While you're shooting off one, you're loading up the others.

Of course, every now and then, you would have to stop to clean off the wall.

Cleanliness. Right next to godliness.

All right, high tech.

I sense some of yous are waiting for high tech.

I got it. You take a small tactical nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's

A thermonuclear suppository.

Preparation H -bomb.

You talk about fallout, huh?

Or you take the bomb and you stick it just inside that little hole on the end

a guy's dick.

You know?

Yeah, a bomb in a dick.

When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know whether he was coming or going.

Get out of here.

I got you.

Hey.

Listen.

Hey.

I got a lot of good ideas.

Balance the stupid fucking budget.

Here's another idea.

I'm going to save you a whole lot of money on prisons.

But at the same time, we are still going to remove from society many of our more

annoying citizens.

Four groups are going away permanently.

First group, violent criminals.

Here's what you do with these Emmy Award winners.

You take the entire state of Kansas.

You move everybody out.

You give them a couple of hundred dollars for their inconvenience, you

Gotta be fair.

And then, you move them out, you put a big 10 -story electric fence around

Kansas, and Kansas becomes a permanent prison farm for violent criminals.

No parole, no police, no supplies.

The only thing you give them is lethal weapons and live ammunition so they can

communicate in a meaningful way.

Then, you put the whole thing on cable TV.

The Violence Network, VNN.

And for a corporate sponsor, you get one of those companies that loves to smear

its logo feces all over the landscape.

Budweiser will jump at this shit in half a minute.

All right, next group, sex criminals.

Completely incurable. You got to lock them up.

You could outlaw religion and most of these sex crimes would disappear in a

couple of generations.

But we don't have time for rational solutions.

Much easier to fence off another rectangular state.

Rectangular states are cheaper to fence. Saves the taxpayers money, you know.

This time, Wyoming.

But only for true sex offenders.

We're not going to bother consenting adults who like to dress up in leather

Scout uniforms and smash each other in the head with ball peen hammers while

they take turns blowing their cat.

There's certainly nothing wrong with that.

It's a victimless hobby.

And think of how good the cat must feel.

No, we're only going to lock up rapists and molesters.

Those hopeless romantics who are so full of love they can't help getting a

little of it on you.

Usually on your leg.

You take all these heavy breathing fun seekers and you stick them in Wyoming.

Then you let them suck fucking fondle.

You let them blow, chew, sniff, lick, whip, gobble, and cornhole each other

until their testicles are whistling, Oh, come all ye faithful.

Then you turn on the cameras and you got the sperm channel.

And don't forget our corporate sponsor.

We're going to let Budweiser put little logo patches on the rapist's pants right

here. This pud's for you.

All right. Next group, drug addicts and alcoholics. Not all of them. Don't get

nervous.

Just the ones who are making life difficult for at least one other person.

And we're not going to bother first offenders.

People deserve a chance to clean up.

Everyone will get 12 chances to clean up.

Okay. All right.

15. 15.

That's fine. And that's it. If you can't make it in 15 tries, off you go to

Colorado.

Colorado.

A perfect place for staying loaded. Each week, all of the illegal drugs

confiscated in the United States.

that the police and DEA don't keep to their own personal use, will be

into Colorado.

And we're going to turn the Coors Brewery over to the beer -drinking

and everyone can stay wasted, wired, stoned, bombed, hammered, smashed, and

-faced around the clock on another new cable channel, Shit -Faced Central. This

is the real Rocky Mountain High!

Okay, I saved my favorite group for last.

The maniacs and crazy people.

Yeah.

The ones who live out where the buses don't run.

And I distinguish between maniacs and crazy people. A maniac will beat nine

people to death with a steel dildo.

A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be

wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

So you can't put them all away.

You know, you've got to keep some of them around just for the entertainment.

Like a guy who tells you the king of Sweden is using his penis as a radio

transmitter to send anti -Semitic lesbian meatloaf recipes to Soupy Sales

Marvin Hamlisch.

you want to give him his own radio show.

No, the maniac farm will be reserved strictly for hopeless cases, like a guy

gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza Minnelli taking a shit.

You know?

And he tells you if he wiggles a certain way, it looks like she's wiping her

ass, you know?

A guy like that, you want to get him into custody as quickly as possible.

Now, for the maniac farm, I think there's no question we've got to go with

Utah. Easy to fence.

Easy to fence right next to Wyoming and Colorado. And Colorado is right next to

Kansas. And that means all four groups of our most amusing citizens are now in

one place.

Except for the big fences.

And I think I have another one of my really good ideas for cable TV.

Gates.

Small sliding gates in the fences.

Think of what you've got here.

Think of what you've got.

Predators, degenerates, crackheads, and fruitcakes.

900 miles of fence separating them. Every 50 miles, you put a small sliding

gate. But the gates are only 10 inches wide, and they're only open once a month

for 7 seconds.

And you know something?

Fuck cable.

This shit has got to be on pay -per -view.

Because if those gates are only open seven seconds a month, you are going to

have some mighty interesting people pushing and shoving to be first on line.

Deeply disturbed, armed, cranky lunatics on drugs.

You know the ones.

A lot of tattoos.

A lot of teeth broken off at the gum line.

The true face of America.

And every time you open the gates, a few of the more aggressive ones are going

to get through.

The creme de la creme.

The alphas.

They're going to get through, they're going to find each other, and they're

going to crossbreed.

And pretty soon you have a melting pot.

Child killers, corpse fuckers, drug zombies, and full -blown wackaloons.

Wandering the landscape in search of truth and fun.

Just like now.

Everyone will have guns, everyone will have drugs, and no one will be in

Just like now.

But at least we'll have a balanced budget.

Time for a few fart jokes.

Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

Question. Did you ever have to fart on a bus or an airplane or in some

public place?

But you hadn't been farting all that day.

So you didn't really know the nature of the beast.

You only knew there was lots of it.

In a situation like that, what you have to do is to release a test

part.

You have to arrange to release quietly and in a carefully

controlled manner.

About 10 to 15 % of the total fart.

In order to determine if those around you can handle it.

Or if in fact you may be about to precipitate a public health emergency.

When releasing a test fart.

It is often good to engage in an act of subterfuge, such as reaching for a

magazine.

Say, is that Golf Digest?

That doesn't smell too horrifying.

In fact, in an odd way, it's rather pleasant.

I think they ought to enjoy the rest of this baby.

And it turns out to be one of those farts that would strip the varnish off a

footlocker.

A fart that could end a marriage.

And everyone around you heads for the exits.

Even the people on the airplane.

As you realize, it is time to review your fiber intake.

It might not be necessary, after all, each morning to eat an entire wicker

set.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow.

Thank you.

Okay.

Now this next thing is about the English language.

It's about little expressions we use. We all say them, the little sayings and

expressions that we use all the time, most of us. And we never really seem to

examine these expressions very carefully at all. We just sort of say these

things as if they really made sense.

Like, legally drunk.

Well, if it's legal, what's the fucking problem?

Hey, leave my friend alone, officer. He's legally drunk.

You know you can stick it.

Why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? Suppose you

don't know. Suppose you're a new guy.

You have absolutely no idea where to stick it.

I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled Where to Stick It.

Now that I think of it, I believe there is a government booklet like that.

They send it to you on April 15th.

Undisputed heavyweight champion.

Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?

It's the quiet ones you gotta watch.

You know that one, every time you see a story about a serial killer on TV, what

do they do? They bring on the neighbor.

And the neighbor says, well, he was always very quiet.

And someone in the room says, it's the quiet ones you gotta watch.

This sounds to me like a very dangerous assumption.

I will bet you anything that while you're watching a quiet one, a noisy one

fucking kill you.

Exposure in a bar and one guy sitting over on the side reading a book, not

bothering anybody. Another guy standing at the front with a machete, banging it

on the bar, saying, I'll kill the next motherfucker who comes in here.

Who are you going to watch?

You're goddamn right.

Lock him up and throw away the key.

This is really stupid.

Where are you going to throw the key? Right out in front of the jail?

His friends will find it.

How far can you draw a key? 50, 60 feet the most.

Even if you lay it flat on its side like that and you scale it, what do you get?

An extra 10 feet. Tops.

This is a stupid idea.

Needs to be completely rethought.

Down the tubes.

You don't want to laugh. People say, ah, the country is going down the tubes.

What tubes?

Have you seen any tubes?

Where are these tubes?

And where do they go?

And how come there's more than one tube?

It would seem to me, one country, one tube.

What, does every state all of a sudden have to have its own tube now?

One tube is all you need.

But a tube that big?

Somebody would have seen it by now.

Somebody would have said to Joey, Joey, look at the fucking tube.

fucking tube over here.

You never hear that. You know why? No tubes.

We don't have tube one.

We are essentially tubeless.

Takes the cake.

You know? Say, boy, he really takes the cake.

Where?

Where do you take a cake? To the movies?

You know where I would take a cake? Down to the bakery.

To see the other cakes.

And how come he takes the cake? How come he don't take the pie?

Pie is easier to carry than the cake.

Easier as pie.

Oh, wait.

Cake is not too hard to carry either.

Piece of cake.

The greatest thing since sliced bread.

So this is it, huh, folks?

A couple of hundred thousand years.

The fucking pyramids, for Christ's sakes.

Panama Canal, the Great Wall of China.

Even a lava lamp, to me, is greater than sliced bread.

What's so great about sliced bread? You got a knife, you got a loaf of bread,

slice the fucking thing!

And get on with your life.

Out walking the streets.

You know, guy gets a parole.

They say, now instead of being in prison, this guy is out walking the

How do we know?

Maybe the guy's home banging the babysitter.

Not everybody gets a parole is out walking the fucking streets.

A lot of times they steal a car, you know.

And we ought to be glad.

Thank God he stole a car.

At least he's not out walking the streets.

Fine and dandy.

That's an old -fashioned one, isn't it?

Say to a guy, how are you? He says, fine and dandy.

Not me.

I never say that.

You know how come?

Because I'm never both of those things at the same time.

Sometimes I'm fine, not dandy.

Close to dandy.

Approaching dandy.

In the vicinity of dandyhood.

Not quite fully dandy.

Other times, I am indeed highly dandy.

However, not fine.

One time. One time. 1965.

August for about an hour.

I was both fine and dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

And I could have told them.

I could have told them.

I could have told them.

I could have said to the person, fine and dandy.

I consider it a lost opportunity.

Walking papers.

You know?

Guy gets fired.

You say, geez, poor guy.

Well, they give him his walking papers today.

Did you ever get any walking papers?

Seriously?

Believe me, in my life, I got fired a lot of times.

You can tell.

Never got any walking papers.

Never got a pink slip either.

You know what I would get?

A guy would come around to my desk and say, get the fuck out of here!

You don't need paper for that.

It's like the Riot Act.

The Riot Act.

They keep telling you they're going to read that to you.

Have you heard this thing at all?

Especially when you're a kid, they threaten you.

The way your father comes home, he's going to read you the Riot Act.

Tell him I already read it myself.

And I didn't like it either. I consider it wordy and poorly thought out.

He wants to read me something. How about The Gentleman's Guide to the Golden Age

of Blowjobs?

More than happy.

I bet you say that sometimes, don't you? Once in a while, you say to somebody,

oh, I'd be more than happy to do that.

How can you be more than happy?

To me, this sounds like a dangerous mental condition.

We had to put Dave... in the mental home.

He was more than happy.

One more of these.

In your own words.

People say that to you? You know, when you hear that a lot in a classroom or in

a courtroom, they'll say to you, tell us in your own words.

Do you have your own words?

and the ones everybody else has been using.

Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say, Now

this

next piece of material is real simple.

It's called free -floating hostility.

24 minor cultural items I'm bored with, tired of, and pissed at.

So I hope you're ready for a little random anger.

People, people, people who make quote marks in the air with their fingers.

Are you tired of these people yet? He said he was sober.

Hey lady, eat me!

Bada -boom, bada -bing.

Next guy says to me, bada -boom, bada -bing, is getting kicked right in the

fucking nuts.

Bada -boom, motherfucker!

You want to try bada -bing?

Bad hair day.

Where did this shit come from?

What a superficial culture. Put on a hat and go to work, you shallow cunt!

It's a good thing Lewis and Clark never had a bad hair day.

Or Daniel Boone, huh?

Custer? He had a really bad hair day.

But he had it coming, that blonde, blue -eyed criminal fuck.

What about these guys who tell you, I heard that.

I heard that.

Oh, you did, did you?

Well, isn't this exciting?

What is this, a fucking hearing test?

Did I wander into a Beltone commercial here?

Of course you heard it, you fucking nimrod. I'm standing right next to you.

I'm going to move down here.

I'm going to move a little farther away.

Blow me!

By any chance did you hear that?

Now what about these people who tell you their needs aren't being met?

You run into this stuff. This is support group shit, 12 -steppers. My needs

aren't being met.

Know what I tell them? Drop some of your needs.

Life is a zero -sum game.

What else is troubling me?

Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it's an

actual event.

I don't give a shit.

If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday, I'd have memorized it years

And I'd send him a card. Dear Mickey, happy birthday. Love, George. I don't do

that. Why? Don't give a shit.

Fuck Mickey Mouse.

Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick.

Then break it off and beat him with the rest of it.

I hope Mickey dies.

I do. I hope he goddamn dies.

I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese and dies lonely and forgotten

behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood.

With his hand in Goofy's pants.

Mickey Mouse, no one in the world takes our country seriously. We waste valuable

television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent.

Now let me ask you this.

The two pandas in the zoo, do you care if they fuck? I don't.

Why don't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't fuck again this

year?

I'm not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right?

If they want to, they will. If not, they'll watch The Price is Right.

Probably the only reason they're not doing it on time is because some jack

from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them.

Could you get a heart out of some guy in a green t -shirt with a stopwatch who's

taking your girlfriend's rectal temperature?

Leave these creatures alone.

All right. Let me get a sip of water here. Hold on.

All right.

And as long as we're talking about the news, I don't want to hear anything more

about sperm, egg donors, surrogate in vitro, test tube, biological, adoptive,

foster parents who want their baby back.

Baby Jane, baby Ruth, baby this, baby that, baby it's cold outside. I don't

a shit. Leave me alone and keep it off my TV.

Sick American shit. I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims. This is

outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet,

guilty, period. Fuck you, end of report. Next case. Next fucking case.

Next case.

Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

And what happened in this country that now suddenly everyone is walking around

with their own personal bottle of water?

When did we get so thirsty in America?

Is everybody so dehydrated they have to have their own portable supply of fluids

with them at all times? Get a drink before you leave the house.

Another crime against society.

Hyphenated names.

Hey lady, pick a fucking name, would you please?

Pick a fucking name.

Hi, I'm Emily Jaricor Fortescue. Hi, I'm George Jerkmeoff. Fuck you too.

personal dignity by adding a name to your name.

Feminists think it's a radical act. It's not.

Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a coke bottle is a radical act.

Hyphenating your name is pretentious bullshit.

And what is going on with all these telephone calling plans?

MCI, AT &T, is this shit really necessary?

When did the phone bill become life's most critical document?

In a country where you can buy cinnamon dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and

edible women's panties, are people really breaking their balls to save nine

cents on a fucking phone call?

Talking

to

your mother once a year might not be the most pleasant thing in the world, but

it should not be seen as a critical spending decision.

Something else I don't understand.

Motivation tapes.

Motivation books. What happened here? Suddenly everybody needs to be

It's a fairly simple thing. Either you want to do something or you don't.

the big mystery? Besides, if you're motivated enough to go to the store to

motivation book, aren't you motivated enough to do that so you don't need the

book? Put it back. Tell the clerk, fuck you, I'm motivated. I'm going home. I'm

going home.

And can anyone... explain to me the need for one hour photo finishing?

You just saw the fucking thing.

How can you possibly be nostalgic about a concept like a little while ago?

Another complaint, too many vehicles.

There are some families in this country own entirely too many vehicles.

You see them on the highway in an RV.

But that's not enough for them. RV's not enough.

Behind them, they're towing a motorboat, go -kart, dune buggy, dirt bike, jet

ski, snowmobile, parasail, hang glider, windsurfing equipment, a hot air

balloon, and a small two -man deep -sea diving bell.

Doesn't anyone just take a fucking walk anymore?

The only thing these people lack is a lunar excursion module.

Too many choices, America.

It's not healthy.

Another abomination.

White guys over 10 years of age who wear their baseball hat backwards.

White guys.

Let me tell you something.

You're never going to be as cool as black guys.

Not going to happen. You're white and you're lame.

It's a fucking law of nature.

Turning your hat around and learning a complicated handshake will not make you

cool.

And you black guys, since you started the whole thing, I'm going to let you

with the hats a little bit longer, but I think really, once you qualify for

Social Security, it's time to spin that motherfucker around to the front of you.

Another tip, another tip for the men.

The earrings, the thing with the earrings.

It's over.

It's been over for a long time. It doesn't mean anything anymore.

It was supposed to piss off the squares.

The squares are wearing them now.

It doesn't mean anything. It's just fucking jewelry.

Unless you have an earring with a live baby hanging from it.

It's just jewelry. And I want you to know I'm in favor of self -mutilation

personal disfigurement.

I've always said there's nothing like puncturing and perforating your skin in

dozen or so places in order to demonstrate your high self -esteem.

When I see a young man decorating his scalp with a soldering iron, I say,

there's a happy guy.

Thinks highly of himself.

And haven't we gone a little overboard with these colored ribbons for different

causes? Every cause has its own colored ribbon now. Red for AIDS, blue for child

abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for the rainforest, purple for urban

violence. I got a brown one. You know what it means? Eat shit, motherfucker!

What can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus

win, never mention his name when they lose?

Not a word. You never hear them say, Jesus made me drop the ball.

The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.

According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated.

Meanwhile, these assholes are in last place.

Must be another one of those miracles.

And speaking of delusional people, what about a guy who hears a voice in his

head, tells him to kill his entire family, so he does it?

Is this the only thing a voice in the head ever tells these people to do is to

kill others?

Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy, go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's?

Doesn't a voice tell a guy to take out his dick on the merry -go -round once in

a while?

Well, some guys do take out their dicks on the merry -go -round, but usually

it's their own idea.

Something else I can do without aftershave and cologne.

And this disgusting shit that men put on their bodies. Just what I need in the

elevator. Some guy standing next to me smells like a fucking pine tree.

I said, go home and wash, you smelly prick.

You smell like the urinal in a Portuguese cat house.

God damn, guys are stupid. Guys are really fucking dumb. They think they're

going to get laid with this stuff, you know. Oh yeah, they put it on at home.

boy, oh boy, I'll get laid tonight. I'll get laid tonight. You don't get laid

with green shit that comes out of a bottle, okay?

And the only smell that's going to help you get laid might be your own natural

scent. You have pheromones. It's a secondary sex characteristic.

People in America, they're all nervous about sex. They want to cover that up

disguise it. Guys in Europe, they know how to live. Guy gets in the elevator

over there, he smells like a pile of dog shit.

Those people are sophisticated.

Getting pretty tired of these guys walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy

boots. You ever see these jack -offs? Can't we kill some of these

Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat. Grown man. It's not even Halloween, for

Christ's sakes.

I say, hey, Tex, grow up and get yourself a wardrobe consistent with the

sanctuary you're living in.

Why do certain men feel the need to dress up as mythic figures?

You don't see anyone walking around in a pirate costume, do you?

When's the last guy you ran into had on a Viking outfit?

Make -believe cowboys. Closest they ever got to a cow is when they stopped to

take a piss at an Arby's.

and camcorders.

Here is technology gone berserk.

Everywhere you go now, there's some dick, some yo -yo, some putz, with a

camcorder, and he is going to tape everything.

Doesn't anyone in this country just stop and look at things anymore?

Sort of take them in?

Maybe even remember them?

Is that such a strange notion? Does experience have to be documented and

home and saved on a shelf? And do people really watch this shit? Are people's

lives so bankrupt they sit at home looking at things they already did?

These guys are so intense, you know. It's always guys. They won't let women

touch the cameras. It's a highly technical skill.

Look through a hole, push on a button, big skill. And they all think they're

Federico Fellini.

Low angles, zooms, and pans, and it's the same ugly three children in every

goddamn shot.

All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood is not going to change the unfortunate

genetic configuration on the faces of these children. Keep these unfortunate

youngsters out of public view.

Now, a lot of these... Hold on a sec.

A lot of these...

cultural crimes I've been complaining about, can be blamed on the baby

Something else I'm a little tired of hearing about.

The baby boomers.

Whiny, narcissistic, self -indulgent people with a simple philosophy. Give me

that, it's mine!

Give me that, it's mine!

These people were given everything.

Everything was handed to them. And they took it all. Took it all. Sex, drugs,

and rock and roll. And they stayed loaded for 20 years and had a free ride.

But now they're staring down the barrel of middle -aged burnout.

And they don't like it. They don't like it. So they've turned self -righteous.

And they want to make things hard on younger people. They tell them abstain

sex. Say no to drugs.

As for the rock and roll, they sold that for television commercials a long time

ago. So they could buy pasta machines and Stairmasters and soybean futures.

You know something?

They're cold, bloodless people.

It's in their slogans, it's in their rhetoric.

No pain, no gain.

Just do it. Life is short, play hard.

Shit happens, deal with it. Get a life. These people went from do your own thing

to just say no.

They went from love is all you need to whoever winds up with the most toys

And they went from cocaine to Rogaine.

You know something? They're still counting grams, only now it's fat grams.

And the worst of it is the rest of us have to watch these commercials on TV

Levi's loose -fitting jeans and fat -ass docker pants.

Because these degenerate yuppie boomer cocksuckers couldn't keep their hands

the croissants and the Haagen -Dazs. And their big fat asses have spread all

over and they have to wear fat -ass docker pants.

Fuck these boomers. Fuck these yuppies.

And fuck everybody now that I think of it.

Well, sometimes in comedy you have to generalize.

Now there's one thing you might have noticed I don't complain about.

Politicians.

Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck.

Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall

the sky.

They don't pass through a membrane from another reality.

They come from American parents and American families, American homes,

schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities.

they're elected by American citizens.

This is the best we can do, folks.

This is what we have to offer. It's what our system produces.

Garbage in, garbage out.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, if you have selfish, ignorant citizens,

you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders.

The term limits ain't going to be any good. You're just going to wind up with

brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So maybe, maybe, maybe it's

the politicians who suck.

Maybe something else sucks around here, like the public.

Yeah, the public sucks.

There's a nice campaign slogan for somebody.

The public sucks.

Fuck hope.

Fuck hope.

Because if it's really just the fault of these politicians, then where are all

the other bright people of conscience?

Where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans ready to step in

save the nation and lead the way? We don't have people like that in this

country. Everybody's at the mall, scratching his ass, picking his nose,

his credit card out of his fanny pack and buying a pair of sneakers with

in them.

So I have solved this little political dilemma for myself in a very simple way.

On election day, I stay home.

I don't vote. Fuck them.

Fuck them. I don't vote.

Two reasons.

Two reasons I don't vote. First of all, it's meaningless.

This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. The shit they

shuffle around every four years doesn't mean a fucking thing.

And secondly, I don't vote because I believe if you vote, You have no right

complain.

People like to twist that around. I know. They say, well, if you don't vote,

have no right to complain. But where's the logic in that?

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into

and screw everything up, well, you are responsible for what they have done.

You caused the problem. You voted them in. You have no right to complain. I, on

the other hand, who did not vote, who did not vote, who?

In fact, did not even leave the House on Election Day.

I'm in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right

to complain as loud as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to

do with.

So I know that a little later on this year, you're going to have another one

those really swell presidential elections that you like so much. You'll

yourselves. It'll be a lot of fun.

I'm sure as soon as the election is over, your country will improve

As for me, I'll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you.

The only difference is, When I get finished masturbating, I'm going to have

little something to show for it, folks.

Thank you very much.