All language subtitles for (1996) George Carlin - Back in Town

Bye.

Why?

Why? Why?

Why?

Why is it that most of the people who
are against abortion are people you

wouldn't want to fuck in the first
place?

Boy,

these conservatives are really
something, aren't they? They're all in

the unborn. They will do anything for
the unborn. But once you're born, you're

on your own.

No -life conservatives are obsessed with
the fetus from conception to nine

months. After that, they don't want to
know about you. They don't want to hear

from you. No, nothing.

No neonatal care, no daycare, no Head
Start, no school lunch, no food stamps,

welfare, no nothing. If you're pre
-born, you're fine.

If you're pre -school, you're fucked.

Conservatives don't give a shit about
you until you reach military age.

Then they think you are just fine, just
what they've been looking for.

Conservatives want live babies so they
can raise them to be dead soldiers.

Pro -life.

Pro -life.

These people aren't pro -life, they're
killing doctors.

What kind of pro -life is that?

What, they'll do anything they can to
save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a

doctor, they just might have to kill it?

They're not pro -life. You know what
they are? They're anti -woman.

Simple as it gets. Anti -woman.

They don't like them.

They don't like women.

They believe a woman's primary role is
to function as a broodmare for the

Pro -life. You don't see many of these
white anti -abortion women volunteering

to have any black fetuses transplanted
into their uteruses, do you?

No, you don't see them adopting a whole
lot of crack babies, do you?

No, that might be something Christ would
do.

And you won't see a lot of these pro
-life people dousing themselves in

and lighting themselves on fire.

You know, morally committed religious
people in South Vietnam knew how to

a goddamn demonstration, didn't they?
Huh?

They knew how to put on a fucking
protest.

Light yourself on fire!

Come on, you moral crusaders, let's see
a little smoke to match that fire in

your belly.

Here's another question I have. How come
when it's us, it's an abortion, and

when it's a chicken, it's an omelet?

Are

we

so much better than chickens all of a
sudden?

When did this happen, that we passed
chickens and goodness?

Name six ways we're better than
chickens.

See, nobody can do it.

You know why?

Because chickens are decent people.

You don't see chickens hanging around in
drug gangs, do you?

You don't see a chicken strapping some
guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts

a car battery, do you?

When's the last chicken you heard about
came home from work and beat the shit

out of his hand?

Doesn't happen.

Because chickens are decent people.

But let's get back to this abortion
shit. Now, is a fetus a human being?

seems to be the central question.

Well, if a fetus is a human being, how
come the census doesn't count them?

If a fetus is a human being, how come
when there's a miscarriage, they don't

have a funeral?

If a fetus is a human being, how come
people say we have two children and one

the way instead of saying we have three
children?

People say life begins at conception.

I say life began about a billion years
ago and it's a continuous process.

Continuous just keeps rolling along.

Rolling and rolling and rolling along.

I said, you know something?

Listen, you can go back further than
that. What about the carbon atoms?

Huh?

Human life could not exist without
carbon.

So is it just possible that maybe we
shouldn't be burning all this coal?

Just looking for a little consistency
here in these anti -abortion arguments.

See, the really hardcore people will
tell you life begins at fertilization.

Fertilization when the sperm fertilizes
the egg, which is usually a few moments

after the man says, gee, honey, I was
going to pull out, but the phone rang

it startled me.

But even after the egg is fertilized,
it's still six or seven days before it

reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins.
And not every egg makes it that far. 80

% of a woman's fertilized eggs are
rinsed and flushed out of her body once

month during those delightful few days
she has.

They wind up on sanitary napkins and yet
they are fertilized eggs.

So basically what these anti -abortion
people are telling us is that any woman

who's had more than one period is a
serial killer.

Consistency.

Consistency.

Hey, hey, if they really want to get
serious, what about all the sperm that

wasted when the state executes a
condemned man and one of these pro -life

who's watching comes in his pants, huh?

Here's a guy standing over there with
his jockey shorts full of little Vinnies

and Debbies, and nobody's saying a word
to that guy.

Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

Speaking of consistency, Catholics,
which I was until I reached the age of

reason, Catholics and

other

Christians are against abortions and
they're against homosexuals. Well, who

less abortions than homosexuals?

Leave these fucking people alone, for
Christ's sakes.

There is an entire class of people
guaranteed never to have an abortion.

And the Catholics and Christians are
just tossing them aside.

You'd think they'd make natural allies.

Go look for consistency in religion.

And speaking to my friends, the
Catholics, when John Cardinal O 'Connor

York and some of these other cardinals
and bishops have experienced their first

pregnancies and their first labor pains
and they've raised a couple of children

on a minimum wage, then I'll be glad to
hear what they have to say about

abortion. I'm sure it'll be interesting.

Enlightened. True. But.

But.

In the meantime. time, what they ought
to be doing is telling these priests who

took a vow of chastity to keep their
hands off the altar boys.

When Jesus said, suffer the little
children,

come unto me, that's not what he was
talking about.

So you know what I tell these anti
-abortion people? I say, hey, hey.

If you think a fetus is more important
than a woman, try getting a fetus to

the shit stains out of your underwear.

For no pay and no pension.

I tell them, think of an abortion as
term limits. That's all it is.

Biological term limits.

But you know, the longer you listen to
this abortion debate, the more you hear

this phrase, sanctity of life.

You've heard that.

Sanctity of life. You believe in it?
Personally, I think it's a bunch of

Well, I mean, life is sacred. Who said
so?

God? Hey, if you read history, you
realize that God is one of the leading

of death.

Has been for thousands of years.

Hindus, Muslims, Jews, Christians, all
taking turns killing each other because

God told them it was a good idea.

The sword of God, the blood of the lamb,
vengeance is mine.

Millions of dead motherfuckers.

Millions of dead motherfuckers, all
because they gave the wrong answer to

God question.

You believe in God?

No.

Dead.

You believe in God? Yes.

You believe in my God? No.

Dead.

My God has a bigger dick than your God.

Thousands of years, and all the best
wars, too. The bloodiest, most brutal

fought, all based on religious hatred.
Which is fine with me, eh? Anytime a

bunch of holy people want to kill each
other, I'm a happy guy.

But don't be giving me all this shit
about the sanctity of life.

I mean, even if there were such a thing,
I don't think it's something you can

blame on God.

Now, you know where the sanctity of life
came from?

We made it up.

You know why?

Because we're alive.

Self -interest.

Living people have a strong interest in
promoting the idea that somehow life is

sacred. You don't see Abbott and
Costello running around talking about

shit, do you?

We're not hearing a whole lot from
Mussolini on the subject.

What's the latest from JFK?

Not a goddamn thing.

Because JFK, Mussolini, and Abbott and
Costello are fucking dead.

They're fucking dead.

And dead people give less than a shit
about the sanctity of life.

Only living people care about it, so the
whole thing grows out of a completely

biased point of view.

It's a self -serving, man -made bullshit
story.

It's one of these things we tell
ourselves so we'll feel noble.

Life is sacred. Makes you feel noble.

Let me ask you this. If everything that
ever lived is dead, and everything alive

is going to die, where does the sacred
part come in?

I'm having trouble with that.

Because, I mean, even with the stuff we
preach about the sanctity of life, we

don't practice it.

We don't practice it. Look at what we
kill.

Mosquitoes and flies?

Because they're pests.

Lions and tigers?

Because it's fun.

Chickens and pigs?

Because we're hungry.

Pheasants and quails? Because it's fun.

And we're hungry.

And people?

We kill people.

Because they're pests.

And it's fun.

And you might have noticed something
else. The sanctity of life doesn't seem

apply to cancer cells, does it? You
rarely see a bumper sticker that says,

the tumors.

Or I break for advanced melanoma.

Viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus,
weeds, E. coli bacteria, the crabs.

Nothing sacred about those things.

So at best, the sanctity of life is kind
of a selective thing.

We get to choose which forms of life we
feel are sacred, and we get to kill the

rest. Pretty neat deal, huh?

You know how we got it? We made the
whole fucking thing up!

Made it up! The same way... Thank you.

The same way we made up the death
penalty.

We made them both up, sanctity of life
and the death penalty.

Aren't we versatile?

And you know, in this country now, there
are a lot of people who want to expand

the death penalty to include drug
dealers.

This is really stupid.

Drug dealers aren't afraid to die.

They're already killing each other every
day on the streets by the hundreds.

Drive -bys, gang shootings, they're not
afraid to die.

Death penalty doesn't mean anything
unless you use it on people who are

to die.

Like the bankers who launder the drug
money.

The bankers who launder.

The drug money.

Forget the dealers. You want to slow
down that drug traffic, you got to start

executing a few of these fucking
bankers.

White, middle class, Republican bankers.

And I'm not talking about soft American
executions like lethal injection.

I'm talking about fucking crucifixion,
folks.

back crucifixions, a form of capital
punishment that Christians and Jews of

America can really appreciate.

And I'd go a little further. I'd crucify
people upside down, like St. Peter,

feet up, head down, and naked. I'd have
naked upside down crucifixions on TV

once a week at halftime of the Monday
night football game.

The Monday night crucifixions.

You'd have people tuning in don't even
care about football.

Wouldn't you like to hear Dan Dierdorf
explain why the nails have to go in at a

certain angle?

And I'll guarantee you one thing. You
start executing, you start nailing one

white banker per week to a big wooden
cross on national TV, you're going to

that drug traffic begin to slow down
pretty fucking quick. Pretty fucking

You won't even be able to buy drugs in
schools and prisons anymore.

Now, I don't care about capital
punishment one way or another because I

doesn't do anything. It doesn't do
anything except maybe satisfy a kind of

biblical need for revenge.

You know, if you read the Bible, you see
that it's full of retribution and

revenge. So really, capital punishment
is kind of a religious ritual.

It's a purification rite. It's a modern
sacrament. And as long as that's true, I

say, let's liven it up a little.

I honestly believe if you make the death
penalty a little more entertaining and

learn to market it correctly, you just
might be able to raise enough money to

balance the stupid fucking budget.

And

don't forget,

the polls show the American people want
capital punishment and they want a

balanced budget. And I think even in a
fake democracy, people ought to get what

they want once in a while.

Just to feed this illusion that they're
really in charge.

Let's use capital punishment the same
way we use sports and television in this

country to distract people and take
their minds off how bad they're being

by the upper 1%. Now, unfortunately...

Unfortunately, Monday Night Football
doesn't last long enough. What we really

need is year -round capital punishment
on TV every night with sponsors.

Gotta have sponsors.

I'm sure as long as we're killing
people, Marlboro Cigarettes and Dow

will be proud to participate.

Proud to participate.

Balance this stupid fucking budget.

And let me say this to you, my
interesting Judeo -Christian friends,

Not only do I recommend crucifixions,
I'd be in favor of bringing back

beheadings.

Beheadings on TV, slow motion, instant
replay.

And maybe you could let the heads roll
down a little hill and fall into one of

five numbered holes.

Let the people at home gamble on which
hole the head is going to fall into.

And you do it in a stadium so the mob
can gamble on it too.

Raise a little more money. And if you
want to expand the violence a little

longer to sell a few more commercials,
instead of using an ax, you do the

beheadings with a handsaw.

Hey, don't bail out on me now,
goddammit.

The blood is already on our hands. All
we're talking about is a matter of

degree.

You want something a little more
delicate? We'll do the beheadings with

fork.

That would be nice, and it would take a
good goddamn long time.

There's a lot of good things we could be
doing.

When's the last time we burned someone
at the stake?

It's been too long.

Here's another form of capital
punishment. It comes out of a nice, rich

religious tradition.

Burning people at the stake.

Sponsor, Bridgeford Charcoal.

And you put it on TV on Sunday mornings.

The Sunday morning evangelicals send us
an offering, praise Jesus, human

bonfire.

You don't think that would get big
ratings? In this sick fucking country?

Shit, you'd have people skipping church
to watch this stuff.

And you take the money they send in in
the offerings and you use it to balance

the budget.

What about boiling people in oil?

Boy, those were the days, weren't they?

You get the oil going real good, you
know? A nice high rolling boil.

And then slowly, at the end of a rope,
you lower the perpetrator headfirst into

the boiling oil.

Huh? You talk about fun shit.

And just to encourage citizen
participation, you let the mob in the

control the speed of the rope.

Good, clean, wholesome family
entertainment.

The kids will love it. The kids will
love it.

And at the same time they're enjoying
themselves, we're teaching them a nice

Christian moral lesson.

Boiling people in oil.

Sponsor? Crisco.

And maybe, maybe instead of boiling all
these guys, every now and then you can

French fry a couple of them, you know?

French fried felons. Dip a guy in egg
batter just for a goof, you know?

Kind of a tempura thing, huh?

Jeffrey Dahmer never thought of this
shit, did he?

Jeffrey Dahmer, eat your heart out.

Which is an interesting thought on the
other side.

All right,

enough nostalgia. What about some modern
forms of capital punishment?

How about we throw a guy off the World
Trade Center and whoever he lands on

the publisher's clearinghouse?

Okay, something a little more
sophisticated.

You dip a guy in brown gravy and lock
him in a small room with a wolverine

high on angel dust.

There's one guy who's not going to be
fucking with too many kids at the bus

for a while.

Here's something really nice you could
do.

You shoot a guy out of a high -speed
catapult right into a brick wall.

Trouble is, it would be over too quick.

No good for TV, you know. You'd have to
do a whole bunch of guys right in a row.

Rapid fire capital punishment.

Fifteen catapults. While you're shooting
off one, you're loading up the others.

Of course, every now and then, you would
have to stop to clean off the wall.

Cleanliness. Right next to godliness.

All right, high tech.

I sense some of yous are waiting for
high tech.

I got it. You take a small tactical
nuclear weapon and stick it up a guy's

A thermonuclear suppository.

Preparation H -bomb.

You talk about fallout, huh?

Or you take the bomb and you stick it
just inside that little hole on the end

a guy's dick.

You know?

Yeah, a bomb in a dick.

When it goes off, the guy wouldn't know
whether he was coming or going.

Get out of here.

I got you.

Hey.

Listen.

Hey.

I got a lot of good ideas.

Balance the stupid fucking budget.

Here's another idea.

I'm going to save you a whole lot of
money on prisons.

But at the same time, we are still going
to remove from society many of our more

annoying citizens.

Four groups are going away permanently.

First group, violent criminals.

Here's what you do with these Emmy Award
winners.

You take the entire state of Kansas.

You move everybody out.

You give them a couple of hundred
dollars for their inconvenience, you

Gotta be fair.

And then, you move them out, you put a
big 10 -story electric fence around

Kansas, and Kansas becomes a permanent
prison farm for violent criminals.

No parole, no police, no supplies.

The only thing you give them is lethal
weapons and live ammunition so they can

communicate in a meaningful way.

Then, you put the whole thing on cable
TV.

The Violence Network, VNN.

And for a corporate sponsor, you get one
of those companies that loves to smear

its logo feces all over the landscape.

Budweiser will jump at this shit in half
a minute.

All right, next group, sex criminals.

Completely incurable. You got to lock
them up.

You could outlaw religion and most of
these sex crimes would disappear in a

couple of generations.

But we don't have time for rational
solutions.

Much easier to fence off another
rectangular state.

Rectangular states are cheaper to fence.
Saves the taxpayers money, you know.

This time, Wyoming.

But only for true sex offenders.

We're not going to bother consenting
adults who like to dress up in leather

Scout uniforms and smash each other in
the head with ball peen hammers while

they take turns blowing their cat.

There's certainly nothing wrong with
that.

It's a victimless hobby.

And think of how good the cat must feel.

No, we're only going to lock up rapists
and molesters.

Those hopeless romantics who are so full
of love they can't help getting a

little of it on you.

Usually on your leg.

You take all these heavy breathing fun
seekers and you stick them in Wyoming.

Then you let them suck fucking fondle.

You let them blow, chew, sniff, lick,
whip, gobble, and cornhole each other

until their testicles are whistling, Oh,
come all ye faithful.

Then you turn on the cameras and you got
the sperm channel.

And don't forget our corporate sponsor.

We're going to let Budweiser put little
logo patches on the rapist's pants right

here. This pud's for you.

All right. Next group, drug addicts and
alcoholics. Not all of them. Don't get

nervous.

Just the ones who are making life
difficult for at least one other person.

And we're not going to bother first
offenders.

People deserve a chance to clean up.

Everyone will get 12 chances to clean
up.

Okay. All right.

15. 15.

That's fine. And that's it. If you can't
make it in 15 tries, off you go to

Colorado.

Colorado.

A perfect place for staying loaded. Each
week, all of the illegal drugs

confiscated in the United States.

that the police and DEA don't keep to
their own personal use, will be

into Colorado.

And we're going to turn the Coors
Brewery over to the beer -drinking

and everyone can stay wasted, wired,
stoned, bombed, hammered, smashed, and

-faced around the clock on another new
cable channel, Shit -Faced Central. This

is the real Rocky Mountain High!

Okay, I saved my favorite group for
last.

The maniacs and crazy people.

Yeah.

The ones who live out where the buses
don't run.

And I distinguish between maniacs and
crazy people. A maniac will beat nine

people to death with a steel dildo.

A crazy person will beat nine people to
death with a steel dildo, but he'll be

wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time.

So you can't put them all away.

You know, you've got to keep some of
them around just for the entertainment.

Like a guy who tells you the king of
Sweden is using his penis as a radio

transmitter to send anti -Semitic
lesbian meatloaf recipes to Soupy Sales

Marvin Hamlisch.

you want to give him his own radio show.

No, the maniac farm will be reserved
strictly for hopeless cases, like a guy

gets a big tattoo on his chest of Liza
Minnelli taking a shit.

You know?

And he tells you if he wiggles a certain
way, it looks like she's wiping her

ass, you know?

A guy like that, you want to get him
into custody as quickly as possible.

Now, for the maniac farm, I think
there's no question we've got to go with

Utah. Easy to fence.

Easy to fence right next to Wyoming and
Colorado. And Colorado is right next to

Kansas. And that means all four groups
of our most amusing citizens are now in

one place.

Except for the big fences.

And I think I have another one of my
really good ideas for cable TV.

Gates.

Small sliding gates in the fences.

Think of what you've got here.

Think of what you've got.

Predators, degenerates, crackheads, and
fruitcakes.

900 miles of fence separating them.
Every 50 miles, you put a small sliding

gate. But the gates are only 10 inches
wide, and they're only open once a month

for 7 seconds.

And you know something?

Fuck cable.

This shit has got to be on pay -per
-view.

Because if those gates are only open
seven seconds a month, you are going to

have some mighty interesting people
pushing and shoving to be first on line.

Deeply disturbed, armed, cranky lunatics
on drugs.

You know the ones.

A lot of tattoos.

A lot of teeth broken off at the gum
line.

The true face of America.

And every time you open the gates, a few
of the more aggressive ones are going

to get through.

The creme de la creme.

The alphas.

They're going to get through, they're
going to find each other, and they're

going to crossbreed.

And pretty soon you have a melting pot.

Child killers, corpse fuckers, drug
zombies, and full -blown wackaloons.

Wandering the landscape in search of
truth and fun.

Just like now.

Everyone will have guns, everyone will
have drugs, and no one will be in

Just like now.

But at least we'll have a balanced
budget.

Time for a few fart jokes.

Where would a comedy show be without a
few fart jokes?

Question. Did you ever have to fart on a
bus or an airplane or in some

public place?

But you hadn't been farting all that
day.

So you didn't really know the nature of
the beast.

You only knew there was lots of it.

In a situation like that, what you have
to do is to release a test

part.

You have to arrange to release quietly
and in a carefully

controlled manner.

About 10 to 15 % of the total fart.

In order to determine if those around
you can handle it.

Or if in fact you may be about to
precipitate a public health emergency.

When releasing a test fart.

It is often good to engage in an act of
subterfuge, such as reaching for a

magazine.

Say, is that Golf Digest?

That doesn't smell too horrifying.

In fact, in an odd way, it's rather
pleasant.

I think they ought to enjoy the rest of
this baby.

And it turns out to be one of those
farts that would strip the varnish off a

footlocker.

A fart that could end a marriage.

And everyone around you heads for the
exits.

Even the people on the airplane.

As you realize, it is time to review
your fiber intake.

It might not be necessary, after all,
each morning to eat an entire wicker

set.

I have no ending for this, so I take a
small bow.

Thank you.

Okay.

Now this next thing is about the English
language.

It's about little expressions we use. We
all say them, the little sayings and

expressions that we use all the time,
most of us. And we never really seem to

examine these expressions very carefully
at all. We just sort of say these

things as if they really made sense.

Like, legally drunk.

Well, if it's legal, what's the fucking
problem?

Hey, leave my friend alone, officer.
He's legally drunk.

You know you can stick it.

Why do we always assume everyone knows
where they can stick it? Suppose you

don't know. Suppose you're a new guy.

You have absolutely no idea where to
stick it.

I think there ought to be a government
booklet entitled Where to Stick It.

Now that I think of it, I believe there
is a government booklet like that.

They send it to you on April 15th.

Undisputed heavyweight champion.

Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the
fighting about?

It's the quiet ones you gotta watch.

You know that one, every time you see a
story about a serial killer on TV, what

do they do? They bring on the neighbor.

And the neighbor says, well, he was
always very quiet.

And someone in the room says, it's the
quiet ones you gotta watch.

This sounds to me like a very dangerous
assumption.

I will bet you anything that while
you're watching a quiet one, a noisy one

fucking kill you.

Exposure in a bar and one guy sitting
over on the side reading a book, not

bothering anybody. Another guy standing
at the front with a machete, banging it

on the bar, saying, I'll kill the next
motherfucker who comes in here.

Who are you going to watch?

You're goddamn right.

Lock him up and throw away the key.

This is really stupid.

Where are you going to throw the key?
Right out in front of the jail?

His friends will find it.

How far can you draw a key? 50, 60 feet
the most.

Even if you lay it flat on its side like
that and you scale it, what do you get?

An extra 10 feet. Tops.

This is a stupid idea.

Needs to be completely rethought.

Down the tubes.

You don't want to laugh. People say, ah,
the country is going down the tubes.

What tubes?

Have you seen any tubes?

Where are these tubes?

And where do they go?

And how come there's more than one tube?

It would seem to me, one country, one
tube.

What, does every state all of a sudden
have to have its own tube now?

One tube is all you need.

But a tube that big?

Somebody would have seen it by now.

Somebody would have said to Joey, Joey,
look at the fucking tube.

fucking tube over here.

You never hear that. You know why? No
tubes.

We don't have tube one.

We are essentially tubeless.

Takes the cake.

You know? Say, boy, he really takes the
cake.

Where?

Where do you take a cake? To the movies?

You know where I would take a cake? Down
to the bakery.

To see the other cakes.

And how come he takes the cake? How come
he don't take the pie?

Pie is easier to carry than the cake.

Easier as pie.

Oh, wait.

Cake is not too hard to carry either.

Piece of cake.

The greatest thing since sliced bread.

So this is it, huh, folks?

A couple of hundred thousand years.

The fucking pyramids, for Christ's
sakes.

Panama Canal, the Great Wall of China.

Even a lava lamp, to me, is greater than
sliced bread.

What's so great about sliced bread? You
got a knife, you got a loaf of bread,

slice the fucking thing!

And get on with your life.

Out walking the streets.

You know, guy gets a parole.

They say, now instead of being in
prison, this guy is out walking the

How do we know?

Maybe the guy's home banging the
babysitter.

Not everybody gets a parole is out
walking the fucking streets.

A lot of times they steal a car, you
know.

And we ought to be glad.

Thank God he stole a car.

At least he's not out walking the
streets.

Fine and dandy.

That's an old -fashioned one, isn't it?

Say to a guy, how are you? He says, fine
and dandy.

Not me.

I never say that.

You know how come?

Because I'm never both of those things
at the same time.

Sometimes I'm fine, not dandy.

Close to dandy.

Approaching dandy.

In the vicinity of dandyhood.

Not quite fully dandy.

Other times, I am indeed highly dandy.

However, not fine.

One time. One time. 1965.

August for about an hour.

I was both fine and dandy at the same
time. But nobody asked me how I was.

And I could have told them.

I could have told them.

I could have told them.

I could have said to the person, fine
and dandy.

I consider it a lost opportunity.

Walking papers.

You know?

Guy gets fired.

You say, geez, poor guy.

Well, they give him his walking papers
today.

Did you ever get any walking papers?

Seriously?

Believe me, in my life, I got fired a
lot of times.

You can tell.

Never got any walking papers.

Never got a pink slip either.

You know what I would get?

A guy would come around to my desk and
say, get the fuck out of here!

You don't need paper for that.

It's like the Riot Act.

The Riot Act.

They keep telling you they're going to
read that to you.

Have you heard this thing at all?

Especially when you're a kid, they
threaten you.

The way your father comes home, he's
going to read you the Riot Act.

Tell him I already read it myself.

And I didn't like it either. I consider
it wordy and poorly thought out.

He wants to read me something. How about
The Gentleman's Guide to the Golden Age

of Blowjobs?

More than happy.

I bet you say that sometimes, don't you?
Once in a while, you say to somebody,

oh, I'd be more than happy to do that.

How can you be more than happy?

To me, this sounds like a dangerous
mental condition.

We had to put Dave... in the mental
home.

He was more than happy.

One more of these.

In your own words.

People say that to you? You know, when
you hear that a lot in a classroom or in

a courtroom, they'll say to you, tell us
in your own words.

Do you have your own words?

and the ones everybody else has been
using.

Next time they tell you to say something
in your own words, say, Now

this

next piece of material is real simple.

It's called free -floating hostility.

24 minor cultural items I'm bored with,
tired of, and pissed at.

So I hope you're ready for a little
random anger.

People, people, people who make quote
marks in the air with their fingers.

Are you tired of these people yet? He
said he was sober.

Hey lady, eat me!

Bada -boom, bada -bing.

Next guy says to me, bada -boom, bada
-bing, is getting kicked right in the

fucking nuts.

Bada -boom, motherfucker!

You want to try bada -bing?

Bad hair day.

Where did this shit come from?

What a superficial culture. Put on a hat
and go to work, you shallow cunt!

It's a good thing Lewis and Clark never
had a bad hair day.

Or Daniel Boone, huh?

Custer? He had a really bad hair day.

But he had it coming, that blonde, blue
-eyed criminal fuck.

What about these guys who tell you, I
heard that.

I heard that.

Oh, you did, did you?

Well, isn't this exciting?

What is this, a fucking hearing test?

Did I wander into a Beltone commercial
here?

Of course you heard it, you fucking
nimrod. I'm standing right next to you.

I'm going to move down here.

I'm going to move a little farther away.

Blow me!

By any chance did you hear that?

Now what about these people who tell you
their needs aren't being met?

You run into this stuff. This is support
group shit, 12 -steppers. My needs

aren't being met.

Know what I tell them? Drop some of your
needs.

Life is a zero -sum game.

What else is troubling me?

Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced
on the television news as if it's an

actual event.

I don't give a shit.

If I cared about Mickey Mouse's
birthday, I'd have memorized it years

And I'd send him a card. Dear Mickey,
happy birthday. Love, George. I don't do

that. Why? Don't give a shit.

Fuck Mickey Mouse.

Fuck him in the asshole with a big
rubber dick.

Then break it off and beat him with the
rest of it.

I hope Mickey dies.

I do. I hope he goddamn dies.

I hope he gets a hold of some tainted
cheese and dies lonely and forgotten

behind the baseboard of a soiled
bathroom in a poor neighborhood.

With his hand in Goofy's pants.

Mickey Mouse, no one in the world takes
our country seriously. We waste valuable

television time informing our citizens
of the age of an imaginary rodent.

Now let me ask you this.

The two pandas in the zoo, do you care
if they fuck? I don't.

Why don't they stop telling me on the
news the pandas didn't fuck again this

year?

I'm not concerned. I have no emotional
stake in panda fucking, all right?

If they want to, they will. If not,
they'll watch The Price is Right.

Probably the only reason they're not
doing it on time is because some jack

from the environmental movement has
moved into the cage with them.

Could you get a heart out of some guy in
a green t -shirt with a stopwatch who's

taking your girlfriend's rectal
temperature?

Leave these creatures alone.

All right. Let me get a sip of water
here. Hold on.

All right.

And as long as we're talking about the
news, I don't want to hear anything more

about sperm, egg donors, surrogate in
vitro, test tube, biological, adoptive,

foster parents who want their baby back.

Baby Jane, baby Ruth, baby this, baby
that, baby it's cold outside. I don't

a shit. Leave me alone and keep it off
my TV.

Sick American shit. I'm also tired of
hearing about innocent victims. This is

outmoded idea. There are no innocent
victims. If you live on this planet,

guilty, period. Fuck you, end of report.
Next case. Next fucking case.

Next case.

Your birth certificate is proof of
guilt.

And what happened in this country that
now suddenly everyone is walking around

with their own personal bottle of water?

When did we get so thirsty in America?

Is everybody so dehydrated they have to
have their own portable supply of fluids

with them at all times? Get a drink
before you leave the house.

Another crime against society.

Hyphenated names.

Hey lady, pick a fucking name, would you
please?

Pick a fucking name.

Hi, I'm Emily Jaricor Fortescue. Hi, I'm
George Jerkmeoff. Fuck you too.

personal dignity by adding a name to
your name.

Feminists think it's a radical act. It's
not.

Castrating a guy in a parking lot with a
coke bottle is a radical act.

Hyphenating your name is pretentious
bullshit.

And what is going on with all these
telephone calling plans?

MCI, AT &T, is this shit really
necessary?

When did the phone bill become life's
most critical document?

In a country where you can buy cinnamon
dental floss, cheese in a spray can, and

edible women's panties, are people
really breaking their balls to save nine

cents on a fucking phone call?

Talking

to

your mother once a year might not be the
most pleasant thing in the world, but

it should not be seen as a critical
spending decision.

Something else I don't understand.

Motivation tapes.

Motivation books. What happened here?
Suddenly everybody needs to be

It's a fairly simple thing. Either you
want to do something or you don't.

the big mystery? Besides, if you're
motivated enough to go to the store to

motivation book, aren't you motivated
enough to do that so you don't need the

book? Put it back. Tell the clerk, fuck
you, I'm motivated. I'm going home. I'm

going home.

And can anyone... explain to me the need
for one hour photo finishing?

You just saw the fucking thing.

How can you possibly be nostalgic about
a concept like a little while ago?

Another complaint, too many vehicles.

There are some families in this country
own entirely too many vehicles.

You see them on the highway in an RV.

But that's not enough for them. RV's not
enough.

Behind them, they're towing a motorboat,
go -kart, dune buggy, dirt bike, jet

ski, snowmobile, parasail, hang glider,
windsurfing equipment, a hot air

balloon, and a small two -man deep -sea
diving bell.

Doesn't anyone just take a fucking walk
anymore?

The only thing these people lack is a
lunar excursion module.

Too many choices, America.

It's not healthy.

Another abomination.

White guys over 10 years of age who wear
their baseball hat backwards.

White guys.

Let me tell you something.

You're never going to be as cool as
black guys.

Not going to happen. You're white and
you're lame.

It's a fucking law of nature.

Turning your hat around and learning a
complicated handshake will not make you

cool.

And you black guys, since you started
the whole thing, I'm going to let you

with the hats a little bit longer, but I
think really, once you qualify for

Social Security, it's time to spin that
motherfucker around to the front of you.

Another tip, another tip for the men.

The earrings, the thing with the
earrings.

It's over.

It's been over for a long time. It
doesn't mean anything anymore.

It was supposed to piss off the squares.

The squares are wearing them now.

It doesn't mean anything. It's just
fucking jewelry.

Unless you have an earring with a live
baby hanging from it.

It's just jewelry. And I want you to
know I'm in favor of self -mutilation

personal disfigurement.

I've always said there's nothing like
puncturing and perforating your skin in

dozen or so places in order to
demonstrate your high self -esteem.

When I see a young man decorating his
scalp with a soldering iron, I say,

there's a happy guy.

Thinks highly of himself.

And haven't we gone a little overboard
with these colored ribbons for different

causes? Every cause has its own colored
ribbon now. Red for AIDS, blue for child

abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for
the rainforest, purple for urban

violence. I got a brown one. You know
what it means? Eat shit, motherfucker!

What can we do to silence these
Christian athletes who thank Jesus

win, never mention his name when they
lose?

Not a word. You never hear them say,
Jesus made me drop the ball.

The good Lord tripped me up behind the
line of scrimmage.

According to these guys, Jesus is
undefeated.

Meanwhile, these assholes are in last
place.

Must be another one of those miracles.

And speaking of delusional people, what
about a guy who hears a voice in his

head, tells him to kill his entire
family, so he does it?

Is this the only thing a voice in the
head ever tells these people to do is to

kill others?

Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy, go take
a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's?

Doesn't a voice tell a guy to take out
his dick on the merry -go -round once in

a while?

Well, some guys do take out their dicks
on the merry -go -round, but usually

it's their own idea.

Something else I can do without
aftershave and cologne.

And this disgusting shit that men put on
their bodies. Just what I need in the

elevator. Some guy standing next to me
smells like a fucking pine tree.

I said, go home and wash, you smelly
prick.

You smell like the urinal in a
Portuguese cat house.

God damn, guys are stupid. Guys are
really fucking dumb. They think they're

going to get laid with this stuff, you
know. Oh yeah, they put it on at home.

boy, oh boy, I'll get laid tonight. I'll
get laid tonight. You don't get laid

with green shit that comes out of a
bottle, okay?

And the only smell that's going to help
you get laid might be your own natural

scent. You have pheromones. It's a
secondary sex characteristic.

People in America, they're all nervous
about sex. They want to cover that up

disguise it. Guys in Europe, they know
how to live. Guy gets in the elevator

over there, he smells like a pile of dog
shit.

Those people are sophisticated.

Getting pretty tired of these guys
walking around in cowboy hats and cowboy

boots. You ever see these jack -offs?
Can't we kill some of these

Walking around in a fucking cowboy hat.
Grown man. It's not even Halloween, for

Christ's sakes.

I say, hey, Tex, grow up and get
yourself a wardrobe consistent with the

sanctuary you're living in.

Why do certain men feel the need to
dress up as mythic figures?

You don't see anyone walking around in a
pirate costume, do you?

When's the last guy you ran into had on
a Viking outfit?

Make -believe cowboys. Closest they ever
got to a cow is when they stopped to

take a piss at an Arby's.

and camcorders.

Here is technology gone berserk.

Everywhere you go now, there's some
dick, some yo -yo, some putz, with a

camcorder, and he is going to tape
everything.

Doesn't anyone in this country just stop
and look at things anymore?

Sort of take them in?

Maybe even remember them?

Is that such a strange notion? Does
experience have to be documented and

home and saved on a shelf? And do people
really watch this shit? Are people's

lives so bankrupt they sit at home
looking at things they already did?

These guys are so intense, you know.
It's always guys. They won't let women

touch the cameras. It's a highly
technical skill.

Look through a hole, push on a button,
big skill. And they all think they're

Federico Fellini.

Low angles, zooms, and pans, and it's
the same ugly three children in every

goddamn shot.

All the George Lucas magic in Hollywood
is not going to change the unfortunate

genetic configuration on the faces of
these children. Keep these unfortunate

youngsters out of public view.

Now, a lot of these... Hold on a sec.

A lot of these...

cultural crimes I've been complaining
about, can be blamed on the baby

Something else I'm a little tired of
hearing about.

The baby boomers.

Whiny, narcissistic, self -indulgent
people with a simple philosophy. Give me

that, it's mine!

Give me that, it's mine!

These people were given everything.

Everything was handed to them. And they
took it all. Took it all. Sex, drugs,

and rock and roll. And they stayed
loaded for 20 years and had a free ride.

But now they're staring down the barrel
of middle -aged burnout.

And they don't like it. They don't like
it. So they've turned self -righteous.

And they want to make things hard on
younger people. They tell them abstain

sex. Say no to drugs.

As for the rock and roll, they sold that
for television commercials a long time

ago. So they could buy pasta machines
and Stairmasters and soybean futures.

You know something?

They're cold, bloodless people.

It's in their slogans, it's in their
rhetoric.

No pain, no gain.

Just do it. Life is short, play hard.

Shit happens, deal with it. Get a life.
These people went from do your own thing

to just say no.

They went from love is all you need to
whoever winds up with the most toys

And they went from cocaine to Rogaine.

You know something? They're still
counting grams, only now it's fat grams.

And the worst of it is the rest of us
have to watch these commercials on TV

Levi's loose -fitting jeans and fat -ass
docker pants.

Because these degenerate yuppie boomer
cocksuckers couldn't keep their hands

the croissants and the Haagen -Dazs. And
their big fat asses have spread all

over and they have to wear fat -ass
docker pants.

Fuck these boomers. Fuck these yuppies.

And fuck everybody now that I think of
it.

Well, sometimes in comedy you have to
generalize.

Now there's one thing you might have
noticed I don't complain about.

Politicians.

Everybody complains about politicians.
Everybody says they suck.

Well, where do people think these
politicians come from? They don't fall

the sky.

They don't pass through a membrane from
another reality.

They come from American parents and
American families, American homes,

schools, American churches, American
businesses and American universities.

they're elected by American citizens.

This is the best we can do, folks.

This is what we have to offer. It's what
our system produces.

Garbage in, garbage out.

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens,
if you have selfish, ignorant citizens,

you're going to get selfish, ignorant
leaders.

The term limits ain't going to be any
good. You're just going to wind up with

brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant
Americans. So maybe, maybe, maybe it's

the politicians who suck.

Maybe something else sucks around here,
like the public.

Yeah, the public sucks.

There's a nice campaign slogan for
somebody.

The public sucks.

Fuck hope.

Fuck hope.

Because if it's really just the fault of
these politicians, then where are all

the other bright people of conscience?

Where are all the bright, honest,
intelligent Americans ready to step in

save the nation and lead the way? We
don't have people like that in this

country. Everybody's at the mall,
scratching his ass, picking his nose,

his credit card out of his fanny pack
and buying a pair of sneakers with

in them.

So I have solved this little political
dilemma for myself in a very simple way.

On election day, I stay home.

I don't vote. Fuck them.

Fuck them. I don't vote.

Two reasons.

Two reasons I don't vote. First of all,
it's meaningless.

This country was bought and sold and
paid for a long time ago. The shit they

shuffle around every four years doesn't
mean a fucking thing.

And secondly, I don't vote because I
believe if you vote, You have no right

complain.

People like to twist that around. I
know. They say, well, if you don't vote,

have no right to complain. But where's
the logic in that?

If you vote and you elect dishonest,
incompetent people and they get into

and screw everything up, well, you are
responsible for what they have done.

You caused the problem. You voted them
in. You have no right to complain. I, on

the other hand, who did not vote, who
did not vote, who?

In fact, did not even leave the House on
Election Day.

I'm in no way responsible for what these
people have done and have every right

to complain as loud as I want about the
mess you created that I had nothing to

do with.

So I know that a little later on this
year, you're going to have another one

those really swell presidential
elections that you like so much. You'll

yourselves. It'll be a lot of fun.

I'm sure as soon as the election is
over, your country will improve

As for me, I'll be home on that day
doing essentially the same thing as you.

The only difference is, When I get
finished masturbating, I'm going to have

little something to show for it, folks.

Thank you very much.