Original subtitles

♪♪

♪ We tripped along [ PHONE RINGS ]

♪ And skipped on the sidewalks of New York ♪

Hello?

Why are you sending him home?

Does Ellen have a temperature?

Oh, that's not much.

Hi, Mom!

Ritchie just came in.

Oh, come on, Dot. You know me better than that.

If Ritchie comes down with anything,

I'll blame a virus, not Ellen.

Listen, call me if you need anything.

Not at all. Bye, Dot.

Ellen's got a disease.

Ellen's got a temperature. I wouldn't call it a disease.

Whatever she gots, I hope I get it, too.

Why, Rich?So I don't have to go to school tomorrow.

But I thought you loved school.

They're not teaching good things.

They're teaching stupid things,

like the alphabet.

The alphabet is not stupid. You have to know it

if you want to write television shows like Daddy does.

I know it! I can say it faster than anybody.

Want to hear it?

E-f-g-h-i-j-k- l-m-n-o-p--

n-o-p-q-r-s-t-u-v-w!

What happened to x-y-z?

I know 'em. I just got tired.

Then how about a glass of milk and a cupcake

to recharge your battery?

I don't want any.

No cupcake?

Did you eat anything next door?

Just water I ate.

Just water? Come here.

You should feel hungry.

Do I feel hungry, Mommy?

I think we'll have Dr. Miller take a look at you.

No, Mommy! I'll eat my cupcake!

I don't want Dr. Miller to take a look at me!

I won't let him! I'll lock myself in the closet!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

Ritchie, I thought you liked Dr. Miller.

Oh, yeah! I forgot.

"You'll have to bake the whole pear."

There.

All right, now, where are we in the script?

I was just coming out of the last commercial,

into the "good night" bit. Let's see.

Supposing our star says,

"Good night, folks. Sure hope you enjoyed our show.

"And remember-- the Alan Brady thought for the day is...

Drive carefully, especially on the sidewalks."

No, no.

Wait a minute. Maybe he says something philosophical,

like, "folks, remember-- save your money.

Someday it may be worth something."

[ LAUGHING ] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no.No, no, no.

No, no, no? It's a good joke.

I don't think it's a good joke.

What do you think, Sally?

I think it's a great joke.

Why do you think it's a great joke?

Because it's 5:30, and I got a date at 7:00.

I don't think we ought to end this week's show with a joke.

I'd like Alan to come out and say...

Something with meaning.

Yeah? What kind of meaning?

Well, I wrote down a quote

from Ralph Waldo Emerson.

What show does he write for?

"He who sows courtesy reaps friendship.

He who plants kindness gathers love."

Hey, that's funny!

Funny! Hey, that's beautiful!

That's good.

Buddy, I don't need your sarcasm.

There's no sarcasm. Wait a minute, this is beautiful.

He reads this philosophical stuff,

and then, zoink! We drop a bag of water on him.

People would howl, they'd scream. Beautiful.

I like it, I like it.

Now, wait a minute!

That won't stop me. I'll type it on the ribbon.

Will you knock it off?

Will you tell me what is the matter with ending the show

with an epigram or an aphorism?

Who-pherism?Uhh.

All right, so maybe I didn't go to college,

like somebody else in this room.

Here it comes-- the anti-egghead bit.

All I know is, I can rely on my 25 years--

25 years in show business.

All right, fellas, break it up.

Will you break it up, please?

I got a date with an unmarried accountant

and I want to get there before he gets married.

And besides, uh, let's not forget

that Melvin Cooley is the producer of this show.

I think you two are overstepping yourselves.

What you're trying to determine is policy, right?

And I think that's the producer's domain.

After all, he is the guiding genius of this show.

And Mr. Cooley is paid to produce the show because...

Because he's the star's brother-in-law.

All right, how long you been spying on us, Curly?

Rob, as the producer of this show,

once more I must insist that you instruct your staff

to show me a little respect.

We're showing you as little respect as possible.

That's just what I mean.

What can we do for you, Mel?

I came here to invite you to a party.

Hey, a party! When, when, when? When is the party?

Uh, Rob... The party is tonight at Alan's.

He's giving a little dinner for a few of the network executives.

And you mean the star wants us to mingle with them?

Yes, you may bring your wives, dates or what have you.

Oh, goody. I'll bring my what have you.

I beg your pardon?

Well, he's not exactly a what have you.

He's more of a... What is it.

What about him?

Him will be there with bells on.

If it's cold, I'll wear something warmer.

Hey, honey.

How's your white satin evening gown?

Fine. How's your red flannel bathrobe?

What kind of a greeting is that?

We have been invited

to Alan Brady's penthouse apartment

to mingle with rich people.

When?Tonight.

Do whatever it is you do with your face,

and I'll go see if I've got a clean shirt.

Honey, we can't go tonight.Why not?

Ritchie isn't feeling well.

What's the matter with him?

Nothing yet. But he was playing with Ellen,

and she suddenly came down with a temperature.

Did Dr. Miller see him?

Yeah, he says we'd better keep an eye on him.

Then he's not really sick?

Well, if you mean, has he collapsed, no.

Well, is he in pain?

Well, no.

Then how do you know he's sick?

There are symptoms.

What symptoms?Well...

Come on, I'm the boy's father.

He turned down his cupcake.

He turned down his cupcake?!

And you didn't call an ambulance?

Aw, honey, come on.

If that child won't eat a chocolate cupcake,

he's sick.

What are you gonna do?

Maybe he's just sick of chocolate.

I'm gonna try a vanilla cupcake.

Come here, son. Daddy wants to have a look at you.

Dr. Miller had a look at me, and he's a doctor,

and he says I'm gonna be very sick

and not go to school tomorrow.

Mm-hmm. Ritchie...

How would you like a nice cupcake?

Uh-uh.

This is a nice vanilla cupcake.

Vanilla?

Yeah, with vanilla icing.

Vanilla icing? I like chocolate.

Mm-hmm. All right.

We'll just get you a chocolate cupcake.

I don't want any.

A chocolate cupcake with nice crushed nuts on the top?

Uh-uh.

Satisfied?

Three out of four doctors will tell you

that the cupcake test isn't always conclusive.

Besides, his forehead feels fine.

Maybe my forehead might feel fine,

but all the rest of me is sick.

He looks all right to me.

Rob, we'll discuss it somewhere else.

Rich, you lie down and get some rest now.

Okay.

I'm gonna rest, Daddy, so I won't get sick and die!

Fine.

It proves nothing.

I don't want to eat it, and I'm not sick.

The boy looks fine to me.

All he needs is a good night's sleep.

He'll get up in the morning

and stuff down enough cupcakes

to make even you happy.

Get your clothes together,

and I'll take a quick bath.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna fix some liver for dinner.

Hang on a second. We'll have dinner at Alan's.

Rob, Dr. Miller said that Ritchie

should be watched for 24 hours.

Honey, when a doctor says watch him,

he doesn't mean you have to stand over his bed

and stare at him.

We can watch him by phone.

Oh, and if anything happened,

we could be home in 30 minutes.

It takes 53 minutes to get here from New York,

and you know it.

But Janie will be here. She's very responsible.

Honey, when a little boy is sick,

he wants his mother or father to comfort him,

not a 15-year-old sitter.

15-- 15 years old?

You make her sound like some kind of an infant.

You know what you have to realize?

15 today isn't like when you were 15.

If you were 15 years old today,

you'd have to be at least 23.

Forget it.

Rob, why is going to this party so important to you?

Well, Buddy and Sally will be there.

Oh, come on, you see them eight hours every day.

The network big-shots and the sponsors will also be there.

I am the head writer.

Well, Alan wants us to be there--

Yeah! So he can ask you to entertain.

That's the only reason he ever invites the writers, and you know it.

That is not so.

He wants us to be there

because we're an important part of that show.

You make us sound like court jesters or something.

I don't entertain at parties unless I want to.

All right. Okie-dokie.

If going to this dinner party is so important to you,

then...

What are you doing?

I know you. Once this liver's cooked,

you'll never go.

I won't change my mind.

So you might as well put it back in the pan.

Oh, let's talk it over a little longer.

Robert, will you please put my liver back?

Aw, honey, how often does my boss

ask us over to his house?

How often is one called upon

to be a responsible parent?

The president of the network will be there.

Well, then I think you should go.

I mean it, honey.

There's no sense both our staying home.

After all, you have a responsibility to your work,

and I fully understand that.

You do?

Sure I do.

You don't mind if I go alone?

Not at all, darling.

Well...

It's just that I couldn't go to a party

knowing my son was on the verge of being sick.

I couldn't enjoy myself.

All right, all right, you win.

We'll spend a quiet evening at home, frying liver.

You don't have to stay.

I'm not going.

I'm as good a mother as you are.

Aw, look. I wouldn't object to staying home

if the boy was really sick.

He is. He has a fever.

1/10 of a degree!

Well, it's not normal.

It's normal enough.

If he was any more normal than that, he'd be abnormal.

Oh, honey, come here.

Why do you want to be such a martyr?

Not a martyr, darling. A mother.

Same thing.

Oh, look, honey, I know how you feel.

I think you're a great mother.

But there's such a thing as being too great a mother.

You're being over-solicitous and overprotective.

It could be bad for a kid.

Oh, Rob--Listen to me, honey.

You think about it.

I want you to go to that party with me

because I love you. I may be crazy,

but I think you're the best-looking gal I know.

I want to show you off.

How about it, Laurie?

Will you give me that pleasure?

No.

No?

Oh, Rob, I'm flattered

that you want to show me off,

but I can't go.

Now, just listen for a minute,

and then you think about it.

Darling, I'm a woman, and--

So I've noticed.

What I mean is, if I leave the house tonight

feeling the way I do, I just know something's gonna happen.

It always does when I feel this way.

Call it women's intuition--

You mean superstition.

No, it's not superstition. It's scientific.

Sure.You wash the car, it rains, right?

Light a cigarette, the bus arrives.

Leave the house when you know you shouldn't,

and something's bound to happen.

Honey, nothing's gonna happen.

Look, you come with me. You'll see.

And I tell you what I'll do for you if you come with me.

I'll go to two decorator's shows

and three P.T.A. meetings.

Hmm?

You'll see, you'll enjoy yourself.

Five P.T.A. meetings?

You'll go?

Well, all right.

But I refuse to enjoy myself.

Now, here's the number. You be sure to call

if he should get up and complain about anything.

And look, here's Dr. Miller's number.

If he seems very sick, you can call Dr. Miller after you call us.

First call us, though, so we can start out right away.

Honey, it's getting late.Just a minute.

Janie, do you understand what you're to do?

Yes, I'm to call this number if Ritchie gets up sick,

and then I'm to call this number after I call this number.

That's right, but be sure to call. And if the line's busy,

you keep right on trying--Come on, honey.

Oh, and, Janie, if anything unusual happens,

just call your mother. She lives next door.

She knows where her mother lives.

You see why I shouldn't be going to this party.

The drive will clear your head. Now, come on.

Oh, Rob, I had to get dressed so fast.

Oh, Janie, there are some cupcakes

in the breadbox next to the refrigerator.

And there's some orange soda pop there, too.

Washington said farewell to the troops in less time.

Come on.

Janie, there's some milk in the refrigerator.

On the shelf, there's a bottle that's already been started.

I thought in case--One more instruction,

I'm gonna pick you up and carry you out of here.

I'm ready, dear.Oh, are you sure?

Don't you want to tell Janie what television programs to watch?

There's a special on juvenile delinquency.

I don't know the time or channel, but there's a program--

My purse!

Honestly, what are you--

Don't go into Ritchie's room! You may wake him.

Use the newspaper. It's in the wastepaper basket.

The party will be over--Pears and apples in the fruit bowl!

Bottom shelf of the refrigerator!

Just a minute! What did you say

was in the bottom shelf of the refrigerator?

Who knows? If it's food, eat it.

If it's a phone number, call it.

Hey, where are you guys goin'?

The party's just starting to swing.

I know it. But we have a child at home

who's planning on being sick.

MEL: Rob, what's this?

You're not leaving, are you?

Well, it is 11:00, and we have--

Well, Alan got hung up on a long-distance phone call.

He hoped that you all would do a little something

to, uh, keep the party going.

Oh, like entertaining a little?

What's wrong with that?

15 minutes, honey?

Command performance for the boss.

Tell Alan we'll stay.He'll appreciate this.

Come on, Rob, everybody.

[ OVERLAPPING CHATTER ]

All right, show time, folks, show time.

We want you all to get nice and pepped up.

Here's how we do it. You ready? Everybody hold hands,

and the guy on the end, stick his finger in the light socket.

Okay, George, the thing we did at the christmas party.

♪ Good-bye, good-bye, we're here to say good-bye ♪

♪ We haven't time to say hello, and so good-bye ♪

♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye, auf wiedersehen, good-bye ♪

♪ Arrivederci, au revoir, and so good-bye ♪

Folks, that concludes our act.

From now on, everything we do is an encore.

You take care of the encore.

All right, for our first encore,

may I present to you our human joke machine?

This man can make a joke out of any word in the English language.

May we have a word?Any word.

Horse.

I have a lady. She has a word--horse.

A joke about a horse. Horse, let me see.

If everybody owned a horse,

the country would be more stabilized.

SALLY: Let's have another word.

I got another word over here.

Milk bath.Milk bath.

Milk bath. Say, there's a good one. Anybody else got one?

Milk bath.

Hmm. All right.

A friend of mine was very seriously hurt taking a milk bath.

Ask me why.Why?

Funny you should ask.

What happened was, the cow slipped on a piece of soap

and fell on his head.

Hey, I can keep doing this all night.

Oh, no, you don't!

[ OVERLAPPING CHATTER ]

Give him a hand.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, our second encore of the evening.

Let's welcome Miss Sally Rogers.

Give the little lady a hand.

♪ I used to dream once, long ago ♪

♪ That someday I'd have a lot of dough ♪

♪ And a sable or a mink

♪ I'd have settled for rabbit, I think ♪

♪ But now those dreams are gone ♪

♪ With time, they've drifted away ♪

♪ If I only had one wish to make ♪

♪ This is what I am wishing today ♪

♪ I

[ GRAVELLY VOICE ] ♪ Wish I could sing like durante ♪

♪ Jimmy's got the voice I love ♪

♪ I wish I could hit those high notes ♪

♪ That's the one that I'm speakin' of ♪

♪ I wish I could sing--

That's a little too loud, fellas, hold it.

♪ I wish-- Hold it, will you keep it down?

It's a little too loud.

♪ I wish--

[ WHISTLES LOUDLY ]

[ SIGHS ]

I walks into a very classy restaurant.

And I orders pheasant under glass.

I had eaten most of the glass,

and was just about gettin' down to the pheasant

when I noticed a sign that says,

"Watch your hat and coat."

Well, I watched my hat and coat,

and what happened? Somebody stole my pheasant.

♪ I wish I could sing like durante ♪

♪ Oh, what a hit I'd be

♪ I'd put on a little this-a-way ♪

♪ And I'd take off a little that-a-way ♪

♪ I wish I could sing like durante ♪

♪ But it comes out plain old me, that's me ♪

♪ But it comes out

♪ Plain old me

[ WHISTLES ]

Sally Rogers!

Rob, I got 'em all warmed up for you. Go ahead.

I'll cool 'em down. All right, ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to give you for you, for our third encore of the evening,

my impression of my wife's Uncle Henry.

Hi, sweetie.

My wife's Uncle Henry is the timidest,

sweetest guy in the whole world,

except when he goes to the annual office party.

He has one short beer. He becomes fearless,

the bravest guy in the world, afraid of nothing...

Except maybe his wife.

I'd like to give you my impression of my wife's uncle henry

coming home from the annual office party.

And who should he meet but his wife.

Sally, you know the bit.I'll do it.

I need the chair and the hat.

[ OVERLAPPING CHATTING ]

Oh, your husband's awfully cute.

He must be a lot of fun to live with.

I laugh all day long.

Why aren't you like that? You never make me laugh.

I didn't know you wanted to.

All right, my impression of my wife's Uncle Henry

coming home after the annual christmas party.

[ SLURRING ] ♪ Oh, Genevieve, sweet Genevieve ♪

Whoo!

Anybody home?

Whoo-ooh!

Is that you, dear?

[ NORMAL VOICE ] Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Why, it's awful late, dear. What happened?

I had a meeting at the office, and I just couldn't get away.

Aww, well, how about some coffee?

Oh, I'd love some coffee.I'll get you some.

Whoo!

SALLY: Darling?

Thank you, honey.

Sweetheart, was there any mail today?

Oh, yes, some very important letters. I'll get them for you.

Dear, there's the mail.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart. Aha.

Are you hungry? Would you like a sandwich?

I would love a sandwich.All right.

Whoo!

Sweetheart?

How would you like a ham on rye?

Oh, I'd love a ham on rye.Fine.

With mustard?Mustard!

With pickle?Pickle!

Honey, you don't look right.

You know what I think you need?

I think you need a nice, stiff drink.

[ DRUM ROLL, CYMBALS CRASH ]

♪ Hello, hello, hello

♪ We're here to say hello

[ INDISTINCT LYRICS ]

Well, everything's quiet.

I suppose you expected you walk

into some kind of a disaster or something.

Everything's just as we left it.

There's Janie's schoolbooks and radio,

the doctor's bag.[ GASPS ]

Doctor's bag!

I knew it! I just--

Sam, Dotty, what are you doing here?

We're glad you're back.Now, don't get excited.

Where's Ritchie?In his room. He's just fallen asleep.

Little fella's had a rough night.

Oh, and I had to do an encore.

Oh, thank goodness for neighbors like you.

Doc, how's Ritchie?Sturdy little fella.

Most children would've upset themselves terribly

with all that blood.

He's a sturdy--blood?!

Janie!

How's Ritchie?Ritchie?

Yeah, with all the blood.

That was my blood.

I hit my head on the freezer door.

You hit your head on the freezer door?Yes.

Oh, that's wonderful.

I mean, I'm sorry.

Come on, Janie, Dotty.

Let's go home. We've had enough excitement for tonight.

Is there anything we have to do for her, doctor?

No, her hair will grow over that scar.

She'll be as pretty as ever in a couple of weeks.

Oh, Sam, I can't thank you enough.

Thanks, Dotty. Doc, thank you.

How's Ritchie?

Oh, he's fine. Poor Janie, though.

You and your woman's intuition.

Yeah. How about that?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm getting to be such a nag.

Aww, sweetheart, you're not a nag.

You're a worrier. I'm glad you are, too.

I don't worry enough.

You worry too much.

Together, we worry just about right.

You know, you're pretty amazing.

You really expected something to happen here tonight, didn't you?

I never expected Janie to hit her head on the door.

Yeah, but you expected something.

Yeah.How'd you know?

Darling...

I'm a woman.

Yeah.

♪♪