All language subtitles for Queer As Folk Season 1 Episode 2 Queer, There and Everywhere full HD on SFlix Free

- * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR

* ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX *

* SHAKE IT, DUDE

*

* ONE, TWO,
DO IT *

*

* ONE, TWO, THREE

- * FOUR, FOUR

*

- BRIAN KINNEY, A FATHER?

- IT'S TRUE.
I WAS THERE.

I SAW IT HAPPEN
WITH MY OWN EYES.

- TALK ABOUT CONCEIVING
THE INCONCEIVABLE.

OR IS IT THE OTHER WAY AROUND?

- WOULD YOU GIVE THE GUY
A BREAK?

- COULDN'T BE ANY WORSE
THAN MY DADDY WAS.

- OR MINE,
NOT THAT I REMEMBER HIM.

- SO WHAT'S NEXT?
PTA PARENT?

LITTLE LEAGUE COACH?
SCOUTMASTER?

- THEY DON'T ALLOW QUEERS
IN THE SCOUTS.

THEY'RE AFRAID
WE'LL INDUCT NEW RECRUITS.

- I ONLY GO OUT WITH MEN
WHO ALREADY ENLISTED.

SO, UH, WHO'S HE LOOK LIKE?

- WELL, HE'S GOT BRIAN'S EYES
AND MOUTH AND...

LINDSAY'S NOSE.

- WELL, IF HE'S GOT MELANIE'S
DICK, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

- [chuckles]

- YOU SHOULD SEE THE PICTURES
I TOOK.

HE'S SO ADORABLE.

IN ONE OF THEM, HE'S ACTUALLY
PLAYING WITH HIMSELF.

- WHO, BRIAN?
- NO, THE BABY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE, HE'S ONLY BEEN
IN THE WORLD ABOUT AN HOUR,

AND ALREADY
HE'S PULLING HIS PUD?

- EXCUSE ME.
- YEAH?

- CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE MEN'S JOCKEY SHORTS ARE?

- AISLE FOUR.

- THANKS.
- SURE.

- WELL, THAT PROVES
THE THEORY.

WE'VE ALL GOT DICK ON THE BRAIN
FROM WOMB TO TOMB.

- SPEAK FOR YOURSELF.

- I AM.

YEAH, GO FOR IT.

- ARE YOU WATCHING
THAT FILTHY WEBSITE AGAIN?

- YOU CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY.
HE MUST BE AT LEAST 10 INCHES.

- TED?
TED!

- UH, CAN I PUT YOU ON HOLD
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE?

YES, MR. WERTSHAFTER?

- HAVE YOU FINISHED GOING
OVER THE GROPNIK RETURNS?

- OH, YES, SIR.
I JUST PRINTED THEM OUT.

THERE YOU ARE.
FEDERAL AND STATE.

- THANKS.

- YOU'RE WELCOME...
MR. WERTSHAFTER.

- AS A CORPORATION,

HE HAS TO START DOING
A MONTHLY DECLARATION...

- SORRY. THE BOSS.
- SHIT! YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL.

- THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS FOR HIM

TO CATCH YOU
ON CUMQUICK.COM.

- OH, PLEASE, THAT GUY'S SO
BLIND, HE'S YET TO FIGURE OUT

HIS WIFE'S BEEN BOINKING
HIS BUSINESS PARTNER

FOR THE LAST FIVE YEARS.
HOW DO YOU THINK

HE'S GOING TO FIND OUT
ABOUT ME?

I'LL CATCH YOU LATER.

- LATER.
- LATER.

REMEMBER THAT STORY
WE ALL READ IN HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU KNOW THE ONE ABOUT THE
PRISONERS CHAINED IN THE CAVE?

PLATO, OR WHOEVER.

ALL THEY COULD SEE WERE
SHADOWS ON A WALL,

SO AFTER A WHILE, THEY STARTED
THINKING THAT WAS REALITY.

WELL, IN A WAY,
THAT'S WHAT TED'S LIKE.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE HE'S HAD SEX

WITH SOMEONE
HE DIDN'T DOWNLOAD,

HE'S FORGOTTEN
THAT ALL THOSE PERFECT BODIES

AND PERFECT FACES
AREN'T REAL.

THAT NO ONE'S REALLY THERE.
THAT THEY'RE ONLY...

SHADOWS.

THEN AGAIN, WHO EVER GOT
ANAL WARTS IN A CHAT ROOM?

- MICHAEL.

[mouths silently]

- [chuckles]

[clatter]

- THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN OUR BEER AND THEIR BEER

IS THAT OUR BEER
SAYS, "SEX."

NOT CLYDESDALES.

IF YOU WANT TO BE COOL,
IF YOU WANT TO BE POPULAR,

IF YOU WANT TO GET LAID...

THIS IS WHAT YOU DRINK.

- UH, BUT WHAT
ABOUT THE MODEL?

ARE YOU SURE HE ISN'T TOO,
UM...

- GAY?

LADIES?

- I WOULDN'T CARE
IF HE WAS.

I'D GO TO BED
WITH HIM ANYWAY.

- [giggles]

- WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I HADN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT.

[Freefall by Tom Third]

*

- * THAT'S RIGHT

*

- HUT. HUT.
[grunting]

[overlapping shouting]

- GET HIM DOWN.
THAT'S IT. COME ON.

MOVE! MOVE!

YOU GUYS SHOW SOME HUSTLE
OUT THERE.

LET'S GO!

- GUESS WHAT I WAS DOING
LAST NIGHT.

- SLEEPING, SAME AS ME?

- HAVING SEX, ALL NIGHT,

WITH THAT GUY I MET,
BRIAN KINNEY.

WE DID IT TILL 6:00
IN THE MORNING.

WELL?
AREN'T YOU SHOCKED?

- NOT REALLY.

- OH.

- WELL, I KINDA FIGURED
THAT YOU'RE...

YOU KNOW.

EVEN THOUGH
YOU NEVER TOLD ME.

- I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

- [sighs]

WANT SOME
OF MY VEGGIE WRAP?

- HUT, HUT!
GO, MAN, RUN, RUN!

- SO WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

- WELL, I STARTED OUT
AS A TIGHT END

BUT WOUND UP
A WIDE RECEIVER.

- [giggles]

- BALL!
- BALL!

- COME ON,
WHERE'S YOUR ARM?

COME ON!
- THANKS.

- FOCUS, YOU GUYS.

- THANK YOU.

- GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- THANK YOU.

- NEXT TIME.
- THANKS.

- UH, HE'S...
* MARRIED

- UH-HUH.

- WITH TWO CHILDREN.

- AH, A FAMILY MAN.

- [gasps]

- EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU, UH, TELL ME
WHERE THE MEN'S ROOM IS?

- YEAH, IT'S JUST DOWN THE HALL
AND TO THE LEFT.

- THANKS.

- THAT'S A LONG TRIP.
- [scoffs]

- HE MIGHT GET LOST.

- I'M SURE YOU'LL SHOW HIM
THE WAY.

- THERE I WAS
ON MY BACK.

AND THERE HE WAS ON TOP OF ME,
SLIPPING IT IN.

- HMM, THAT MUST HAVE HURT.
DIDN'T IT HURT?

- YEAH, AT FIRST,
IT FELT LIKE SOMEONE

WAS SHOVING
A BROOM UP THERE.

BUT I TOLD HIM TO GO SLOWER,
AND HE DID.

THEN I STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT
WHEN I LOOKED AT HIS FACE.

HIS EYES WERE CLOSED.

HIS MOUTH WAS OPEN
IN A SORT OF SMILE,

LIKE HE WAS
IN ANOTHER PLACE.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

THAT PLACE WAS ME.
[chuckles]

AND HIS BODY.

GOD!
LIKE, HIS BODY WAS SO AMAZING.

I COULD SEE EVERY MUSCLE.
- MM-HMM.

- HE SAID HE WANTED
TO STAY INSIDE ME FOREVER...

AND I WANTED HIM TO.

I STILL FEEL HIM,

LIKE, HE'S STILL THERE.

CHRIST, DAPHNE,

EVERYBODY TALKS
ABOUT HAVING SEX...

BUT I REALLY DID IT.

[zipper opens]

- I HAD TO PISS
DURING THAT WHOLE PITCH.

DIDN'T THINK
I COULD HOLD IT.

- YOUR PRESENTATION
WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

- THINK SO?

- YEAH,
IT WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

- WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU LIKED IT

BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.

TO PLEASE THE CLIENT.

- THAT'S IT!
- SO, LIKE, WHAT IS HE NOW?

YOUR BOYFRIEND?

- [chuckles]
WE JUST MET.

- WELL...
DO YOU LOVE HIM?

- I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, I LOVE HIM.
- [giggles]

DOES HE LOVE YOU?

- HE SAID HE DID.
- WHEN?

- WELL, WHEN HE WAS
ABOUT TO SHOOT.

HE WAS MOVING REALLY FAST,
AND HE LET OUT THIS GROAN

LIKE NOTHING
I'D EVER HEARD BEFORE.

AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAID IT,
RIGHT WHEN HE CAME.

HE SAID, "I LOVE YOU."

THEN HE LEANED IN
AND KISSED ME.

- [clears throat]

WELL, I GUESS
WE BETTER BE GETTING BACK.

- YEAH, I GUESS SO.

- IT'S BEEN A PLEASURE.

- IT CAN BE
EVEN MORE OF ONE.

- EXCUSE ME?

- YOU KNOW,
I'M NEVER WRONG.

- HUH?
- OH, NOTHING, BUDDY.

- I-I DON'T KISS.

- YEAH, RIGHT.

[electronic music]

*

- * FEELING GOOD

* FEELING GOOD

- WHY DON'T YOU COME WITH US
TO THE MOVIES?

- I TOLD YOU,
I DON'T WANT TO.

- HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
- COME ON.

WE CAN GO TO THE MALL
AFTERWARDS.

I'LL BUY YOU THOSE JEANS.

- I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.

- HE DOESN'T
FEEL LIKE IT.

- WOULD YOU GET
THE FUCK AWAY?

- HE SAID "FUCK"!

- I'LL SAY A LOT WORSE
IF YOU DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

- MOLLY,
LEAVE HIM ALONE.

AND YOUR FATHER AND I
HAVE ASKED YOU TO PLEASE NOT USE

THOSE WORDS
IN FRONT OF YOUR SISTER.

- SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.

SHE'S A BACTERIAL INFECTION

FOR WHICH I HOPE ONE DAY
THEY FIND A CURE.

- TELL YOU WHAT...
YOU CAN DRIVE.

- I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE.

- HE DOESN'T WANT
TO DRIVE.

- ARE YOU JUST GOING TO SIT HERE
ALL DAY?

ARE YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW.

- HE DOESN'T...

- WELL, I EXPECT YOU TO BE HERE
WHEN WE GET BACK.

YOU HEAR ME?

COME ON, MOLLY.

- [sighs]

- AND NOW, BACK TO
OUR FEATURE FILM PRESENTATION,

DIRTY DANCING,
STARRING PATRICK SWAYZE.

- MR. NOVOTNY?

- MIKE.
- MIKE.

I WAS WONDERING IF--
WELL, YOU KNOW THOSE BOXES

YOU WANTED ME TO MOVE?
- MM-HMM.

- I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO SEEM
LIKE I'M SHIRKING OR ANYTHING,

BUT THEY'RE KIND OF HEAVY.

DO YOU THINK ONE OF THE GUYS
COULD MAYBE GIVE ME A HAND?

- YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
I CAN GET SOMEBODY TO HELP YOU.

- OH, THAT'D BE GREAT.

OKAY.
I'LL BE OVER ON AISLE 14.

- OKAY.
- OKAY.

- YES, YOUR MAJESTY.

SOMEBODY SHOULD TELL HER
PRINCESS DI IS DEAD,

AND THEY'RE NOT LOOKING
FOR A REPLACEMENT.

- THE BOXES ARE HEAVY.

AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH ASKING FOR HELP.

I--YOU KNOW, I THINK
SHE'S KIND OF SWEET ACTUALLY.

- YOU THINK SHE'S SWEET?

- WELL, I DON'T REALLY KNOW HER,
BUT, YEAH.

- WHAT ABOUT CUTE?

- YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.

- WELL, SHE THINKS
YOU'RE CUTE TOO.

- SHE...DOES?

- SHE LIKES YOU A LOT.

BUT SHE DIDN'T KNOW
IF YOU LIKED HER,

SO I SAID I'D FIND OUT.

- SO YOU DON'T REALLY THINK
SHE'S STUCK-UP.

- OH, SHE'S A DOLL.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER HEARD YOU SAY
YOU LIKED A GIRL BEFORE.

- WELL, I--
- IN FACT...

I'VE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY
ANYTHING ABOUT GIRLS.

YOU...LIKE GIRLS,
DON'T YOU?

- SURE.
UH...

- SO THEN YOU'LL COME WITH US
AFTER WORK TONIGHT.

WE'RE TAKING HER OUT
FOR A DRINK.

- I DON'T THINK I CAN.
I--

- AH! NO EXCUSES.
SHOELESS JOE'S, 7:30.

AND DO SOMETHING
ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

- IT WAS A TRAP.

- HEY, SEE THAT NUMBER
IN THE RED SHORTS?

- I COULD WORK OUT
FOR A HUNDRED YEARS

AND NEVER LOOK LIKE THAT.

- PRETENDING SHE DIDN'T
LIKE HER,

JUST TO SEE WHAT I'D SAY.

- SHAWN PETERS.

WENT HOME WITH HIM
THE OTHER NIGHT,

THINKING HE WAS
THIS BRUTAL TOP.

- AND?
- AND I FELL FOR IT.

- TURNS OUT HE'S A BIG,
NELLY BOTTOM.

[laughter]

- I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

- AW, IT'S SO DISCOURAGING.

ARE THERE NO REAL MEN LEFT?

- AND NOW THEY'RE EXPECTING ME
TO MEET THEM.

- STEROID CITY?
- NO, IN THIS STRAIGHT BAR.

IS THERE ANYONE HERE
LISTENING?

- THERE'S THIS NEW GIRL AT WORK
WHO'S INTERESTED IN YOU.

FAT MARLEY TRICKED YOU
INTO MEETING HER

AND SOME OF THE OTHERS
FOR A DRINK AFTER WORK,

AND NOW YOU HAVE TO GO,
OR THEY MIGHT SUSPECT.

CHECK OUT MR. PEC-DECK.

SO WHAT...
IF THEY DO?

- THEY COULD FIRE HIM.

- OR I COULD END UP
AN ASSISTANT MANAGER

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

- AND THE SOLUTION
IS TO PRETEND YOU LIKE PUSSY?

- AH, LOOK, HE'S NOT LIKE YOU,
OKAY?

- WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- MEANING HE'S NOT
AN OBVIOUSLY GAY MAN.

- ARE YOU ACCUSING ME
OF BEING OBVIOUS?

- IF THE FUCK-ME PUMP FITS.

- WELL, I COULD BE A...
A R-REAL MAN, IF I WANTED TO.

YOU KNOW,
JUST LOWER MY VOICE,

STOP...GESTURING
WITH MY HANDS,

MAKE SURE MY FACE
IS EXPRESSIONLESS.

NEVER, NEVER USE WORDS LIKE...

LIKE "FABULOUS" OR "DIVINE,"

TALK ABOUT,
I DON'T KNOW,

NAILING BITCHES AND RBIs.

BUT I'D RATHER
MY FLAME BURN BRIGHT

THAN BE SOME PUNY,
LITTLE PILOT LIGHT.

- AND A FABULOUS FLAME
IT IS.

- THANK YOU.
- YEAH.

BUT MICHAEL IS OUT THERE
IN THE STRAIGHT WORLD.

BELIEVE ME,
IT ISN'T EASY.

YOU DO
WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

- [panting]

I BETTER GO CHANGE.

- FOR YOUR BIG DATE?

OOH, HERE'S A SPORTS MAG.

BETTER BONE UP.

JUST IN CASE THE CONVERSATION
VEERS AWAY

FROM LIZA'S WEIGHT PROBLEM.

- JUSTIN, DID YOU HEAR ME?

I SAID YOU'RE NOT GOING.
- I'M GOING.

- YOU WERE JUST THERE
LAST NIGHT.

- SO WHAT?

- SO I WAS PLANNING TO TAKE YOU
AND YOUR SISTER

OUT FOR PIZZA.

YOU--
[sighs]

YOU KNOW, I EXPECT YOU
TO CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU HAVE TO SPEND

ALL YOUR TIME WITH DAPHNE.

OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES

YOUR FATHER AND I
BOUGHT FOR YOU,

YOU HAVE TO PICK SOMETHING
THAT NO LONGER FITS.

THAT IS TOO TIGHT.

- THAT'S WHY.

- JUSTIN?

DON'T I GET
A KISS GOOD-BYE?

I EXPECT YOU TO CALL!

[door opens]

[door closes]

- WE NEED A SECRET CODE WORD
LIKE "SHAZAM,"

SO THAT IF I GET
IN A TIGHT SPOT,

YOU CAN COME IN
AND RESCUE ME.

- A TIGHT SPOT.
HOW ABOUT "BUTT PLUG"?

- "BUTT PLUG" MIGHT BE
A LITTLE HARD

TO WORK INTO A CONVERSATION.

- BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU ARE,

PRETENDING YOU'RE ONE
OF THEM.

- I COULDN'T HELP IT.

- NO, YOU COULD HAVE
TOLD HER THE TRUTH,

INSTEAD OF ACTING
LIKE A SCARED, LITTLE FAGGOT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID, "I
TAKE IT UP THE ASS, SWEETHEART.

DEAL WITH IT."
- RIGHT. RIGHT.

BY THE WAY, I NOTICED YOU GOT
THE JEEP REPAINTED.

[laughter]
- GREAT GAME.

[overlapping chatter]

- GOD, THIS PLACE
IS LIKE BREEDERS' CENTRAL.

BUTT PLUG, BUTT PLUG,
BUTT PLUG,

BUTT--

- SEE YOU, MIKEY.

- I WANNA WATCH THE END
OF THE GAME.

- * EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE *

* LITTLE DARLIN'

* LITTLE DARLIN' MINE

* A DAY
OR A LIFETIME *

* IT DON'T MATTER
TO ME *

* AS LONG AS YOU
ARE BY MY SIDE *

- MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!

WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE THOUGHT YOU GOT LOST.

- SOME, UH,
LAST-MINUTE BUSINESS.

- WELL, SLIDE IT ON IN.

HARV...
MOVE YOUR HAIRY ASS.

- [chuckles]

- THANKS.

- WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?
- UH...

SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE.

- GOOD CHOICE.

UH, BRING OVER
ANOTHER PITCHER.

- HI.

- HI.
GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

- I TOLD YOU HE'D BE HERE,
DIDN'T I?

NOT TO WORRY?

- I WASN'T WORRIED.

- NOW JUST MAKE SURE
HE'S NOT SEEING ANYONE,

BEFORE YOU GET ALL LOVEY-DOVEY.
[giggles]

- MARLEY, WOULD YOU SHUT UP
AND LEAVE 'EM ALONE?

- [mouths silently]

- YOU'RE NOT SEEING ANYONE,
ARE YOU?

- ME?

NO.
- WELL, THAT'S GOOD.

I MEAN--
- I UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE

IF THEY'RE INVOLVED ALREADY.

SO ARE YOU?
- SEEING ANYONE?

NO, WE JUST BROKE UP.

- OH. SORRY.
- OH, DON'T BE.

HE WAS A REAL DOOFUS.
- [chuckles]

- ONLY I DIDN'T KNOW IT
AT THE TIME.

THERE'S SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW
AT THE TIME.

- ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH?

- LIKE, CAN YOU BELIEVE, HE...

HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO FIX A SINK?

[laughter]
- REALLY!

- HE CALLED ME AT WORK SAYING,
"WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

I SAID,
"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO.

"BUY SOME CEMENT.
GET A CORK.

USE CHEWING GUM.
BUT PLUG IT UP!"

[laughter]

- "BUT PLUG."
[chuckles]

BUTT PLUG?
[laughs]

- A MILLION DOLLARS?

- THAT'S THE GENERAL IDEA.

- A MILLION
FUCKING DOLLARS?

- BRIAN, PLEASE.
YOU'LL WAKE THE BABY.

- WELL, THE ANSWER'S NO.
DEFINITELY NOT.

- [scoffs] I DON'T UNDERSTAND
THE PROBLEM.

I MEAN, LINDSAY TOLD ME YOU
OFFERED TO HELP SUPPORT HIM.

- IT WAS VERY GENEROUS.

- WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT
THAN A LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.

- IT'S SIMPLY IN CASE
SOMETHING HAPPENS TO YOU.

- LIKE I'M DECAPITATED
AT A RAILROAD CROSSING?

OR BURNED BEYOND RECOGNITION
IN SOME GAS EXPLOSION?

YOU KNOW, I CAN JUST IMAGINE
THE GRIZZLY DEATHS

YOU'VE CONJURED UP FOR ME.

- LIKE IN CASE
YOU GET SICK.

- AH.
EVEN BETTER.

- CONSIDERING YOUR LIFE.

I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU WERE TESTED?

- SIX MONTHS AGO.
I WAS NEGATIVE.

- THAT'S 26 WEEKS
AND 182 ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

- YOU KNOW,
I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED PEOPLE

WHO COULD MULTIPLY
IN THEIR HEADS.

AND I'M ALWAYS CAREFUL.

- LOOK, THIS ISN'T FOR US.
IT'S FOR OUR SON.

WE NEED TO MAKE SURE
HE'LL BE PROVIDED FOR.

- AND ALL I HAVE
TO DO IS DIE.

- HOPEFULLY NOT BEFORE YOU SIGN
THESE PAPERS.

[laughter]

- WE WON'T BE LAUGHING
COME SUPER BOWL TIME,

WHEN WE'RE UP
AGAINST THE TITANS.

- WE DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
- DON'T SAY THAT.

- YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE.
RIGHT, MIKE?

- LIKE CHER!

- YOU WATCH FOOTBALL?

- CONSTANTLY.

- [chuckles]
SO, UH...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- WHAT DO I THINK?

I THINK...

DUE TO FREE AGENCY, WE'VE LOST
SOME OF OUR BEST PLAYERS.

STILL, OUR DEFENSE IS STRONG,
BUT WE NEED A NEW SCHEME

FROM OUR OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
TO MOVE THE BALL.

- [chuckles]
THAT'S JUST WHAT I SAY.

[laughter]

[cell phone rings]

- [mimics sportscaster]
HELLO, SPORTS FANS.

- I'M COMING TO GET YOU.

- IT'S OKAY.
I'M HAVING A REALLY GOOD TIME.

SHE'S REALLY, REALLY NICE.

- SHE'S REALLY NICE?

DO YOU THINK SHE AND HER FRIENDS
WOULD BE REALLY NICE

IF THEY KNEW THE LITTLE CHARADE
YOU WERE PLAYING?

THEY'D PROBABLY TIE YOU
TO A FENCE

AND BASH YOUR BRAINS IN.

- THEY'RE NOT LIKE THAT.

- NOT LIKE THAT, HUH?

LISTEN TO ME, MIKEY.

ARE YOU LISTENING?
- YEAH, I'M LISTENING.

- THERE'S ONLY TWO KINDS

OF STRAIGHT PEOPLE
IN THIS WORLD--

THE ONES THAT HATE YOU
TO YOUR FACE,

AND THE ONES THAT HATE YOU
BEHIND YOUR BACK.

NOW GET THE FUCK
OUT OF THERE...

BECAUSE I NEED YOU.

- * AND I NEED YOUR BODY

* LET ME HAVE YOUR BODY

* OH, I NEED YOUR BODY

- * HOW I WAS GONNA CHANGE,
BUT I'M NOT *

* IF YOU KEEP DOING THINGS
I DON'T *

* YOU BETTER THINK
all: * THINK

- * THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO TO ME, YEAH *

* THINK
all: * THINK

- * LET YOUR MIND GO,
LET YOURSELF BE FREE *

- * OH, YEAH

- * YEAH-AH-AH

*

- HI.

- OH, SHIT,
JUST WHAT I NEED.

WHAT'S HIS NAME.

- JUSTIN.
HIS NAME'S JUSTIN.

IF I CAN REMEMBER IT
AND I DIDN'T EVEN FUCK HIM,

WHY CAN'T YOU?

- BECAUSE I DID.

SO, DAWSON, HOW ARE THINGS DOWN
AT THE CREEK?

[crowd cheering]

- THANK YOU, PITTSBURGH.

I LOVE YOU.

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW,
FOR A SKINNY WHITE BOY,

I MAKE ONE FUCKING FABULOUS
BLACK WOMAN.

- [chuckles]

HOW ABOUT ANOTHER ROUND
ON ME?

- I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
LET'S MOVE ON.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH HERE?

- I'VE HAD EVERYONE HERE.

- OH, YEAH,
MY PROBLEM PRECISELY.

- YOU HAVEN'T HAD ME.

- OH, YEAH?

- WHAT?
Y-YOU NEVER TOLD US.

- THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.

- WE WERE UP IN HIS ROOM.

WE WERE 14, 15 TOPS.
- [sighs]

- WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
STUDYING, WHATEVER,

ONLY WE'RE NOT.

WE'RE LOOKING
AT THIS TRASHY PHOTO MAG

HIS MOM SWIPED
FROM THE BEAUTY PARLOR.

ANYWAY...

THERE'S THIS SHOT
OF PATRICK SWAYZE

FROM DIRTY DANCING...

WITHOUT HIS SHIRT ON.

- [sighs]
- [chuckles]

- SO I GOT THIS HARD-ON
JUST FROM LOOKING AT IT,

AND I GLANCE OVER AT MIKEY,
AND GUESS WHAT.

HE'S GOT ONE TOO.

- OKAY, YOU CAN STOP NOW.

- TWIN STIFFIES.

I REACH OVER,
START RUBBING IT.

HE'S PRACTICALLY SWOONING.

I POP IT OUT,
START STROKING IT,

NICE AND SLOW.

AND WE'RE BOTH
THIS CLOSE.

THEN...

HIS MOM WALKS IN
WITHOUT KNOCKING.

[laughter]

- THEY ALWAYS DO.
DID SHE SEE YOU?

- I DON'T SEE
HOW SHE COULD HAVE MISSED IT.

- ONLY WE DIDN'T COME,
SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.

- OH, DIRTY DANCING.

THAT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.
- WHAT?

- I SAID
THAT'S A REALLY OLD MOVIE.

- IT'S NOT THAT OLD.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- UH-OH.

- HOW OLD
DO YOU THINK I AM?

- 33?
[laughter]

- FUCK...YOU.

- HE'S 29.
- AND FUCK YOU TOO.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM FOR?
- FAIR'S FAIR.

- WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
IN A FEW MONTHS,

YOU'LL BE 30.

MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

- HMM, WELL...

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.

YOU ALREADY ARE.

- OH, HO, HO, HO.

- OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
COME BACK HERE.

YOU'RE NOT STICKING US
WITH THAT KID.

HE'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
NOW GET BACK IN THERE.

- YOU KNOW,
I'M GETTING A LITTLE SICK

OF PEOPLE TELLING ME
WHAT'S MY RESPONSIBILITY.

IF LINDSAY AND MELANIE WANT
TO GO OFF AND HAVE A KID,

THAT'S THEIR RESPONSIBILITY.

IF WHAT'S HIS NAME, JUSTIN,
WANTS TO GO OUT

AND PICK UP GUYS
WHILE HE'S STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL,

THAT'S HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

MY RESPONSIBILITY
IS TO MYSELF.

I DON'T OWE ANYBODY
A GODDAMN THING.

- CALM DOWN.

IT'S OKAY.
IT'S OKAY.

- AND WHERE DO PEOPLE
GET OFF THINKING

I'M NOT A KIND PERSON?

- WHO SAID THAT?

- TED, FOR EXAMPLE,
THINKS I'M A HEARTLESS SHIT.

- IT'S YOUR APPEAL.

PLUS, HE'S JUST JEALOUS

AND LONELY AND...

- I HAPPEN TO BE VERY KIND.

VERY LOVING.

HEY, ZACK,
HOW'S IT GOING?

- NOT BAD.

- HOW'S PETER?

- STILL DEAD.

- OH, SHIT.
I FORGOT.

- WELL, IF ANYONE
HAS ANY DOUBTS

ABOUT HOW KIND AND LOVING
YOU ARE...

THAT SHOULD CONVINCE THEM.

[engine revs]

- ANYONE UP FOR BABYLON?

- I WAS THINKING BOYTOY.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T BEEN SNUBBED
BY A TWINKIE IN WEEKS.

- WHAT ABOUT HIM?

- WHAT ABOUT HIM?

- WELL, WE CAN'T JUST
LEAVE HIM HERE.

- IT'S NOT OUR PROBLEM.
- HE'S MINE?

- NO, BRIAN'S YOUR PROBLEM.

- LET HIM CLEAN UP HIS OWN MESS
FOR A CHANGE.

- DON'T WASTE YOUR FRIDAY NIGHT
BABY-SITTING.

[upbeat dance music]

- * OH, YEAH YEAH YEAH

*

* UH-HUH, UH-HUH

- I CAME ALL THE WAY HERE
JUST TO SEE HIM.

HE DOESN'T WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME.

- YEAH, WELL, THE THING YOU
GOT TO KNOW ABOUT BRIAN IS...

HE'S NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.

BRIAN DOESN'T DO BOYFRIENDS.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU WEREN'T THERE
WHEN WE WERE DOING IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW
THE THINGS WE DID,

HOW HE KISSED ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

- I KNOW THIS.

BRIAN IS A SELFISH PRICK

WHO DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE
BUT HIMSELF.

AND IF I WERE YOU,
I'D JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM.

- HIYA, BOYS.
GETTIN' ANY TONIGHT?

[chuckles]

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AROUND HERE BEFORE.

- HE'S NEW.
- AND CUTE.

EVERY GUY IN THE PLACE HAS HIS
EYE ON YOU TONIGHT, SWEETHEART.

- CAN WE ORDER?

- SHOOT.

BUT IT'LL BE
THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT,

AM I RIGHT?
[chuckles]

- HA-HA!

I'LL HAVE
THE CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK.

NO REMARKS.

AND, UH, HE'LL HAVE
A BACON CHEESEBURGER.

- "PLEASE."
- PLEASE.

- YOU GOTTA KEEP
YOUR STRENGTH UP, SUNSHINE.

YOU CAN'T CRUISE ALL NIGHT
ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.

[chuckles]

- WHAT A FREAK!

- YEAH, SHE TAKES
SOME GETTING USED TO,

BUT ONCE YOU DO,
CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE HER.

- ONE CHICKEN-FRIED STEAK
WITH NO REMARKS,

COMING UP IN A FLASH.

- THANKS, MOM.

- YOU'RE WELCOME, BABY.

- I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

- [chuckles]

YOU'RE, LIKE, SO LUCKY.
- I AM?

- YOUR MOM'S COOL
ABOUT YOUR BEING GAY.

IF MINE FOUND OUT,
SHE'D KILL ME.

- AT LEAST IT GIVES HER
A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

I MEAN, WITHOUT ME,
SHE'D BE PLAYING BINGO

INSTEAD OF ORGANIZING
PRIDE MARCHES AND...

HANDING OUT CONDOMS.

DO YOU NEED A RIDE?

- UH, I BORROWED
A FRIEND'S CAR.

- OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
A LITTLE BEEMER OF YOUR OWN?

- I'M WORKING ON IT.

- JUST REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU
ABOUT BRIAN.

- IF HE'S
SUCH A SELFISH PRICK,

HOW COME YOU'RE ALWAYS
FOLLOWING HIM AROUND?

- I'M NOT ALWAYS
FOLLOWING HIM AROUND.

WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.

WE ACCEPT EACH OTHER
FOR WHO WE ARE,

NO JUDGMENTS,
NO OBLIGATIONS,

NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

- YOU'RE JUST WAITING FOR HIM
TO FINISH JERKING YOU OFF.

- WHAT?
- YOU NEVER GOT OFF.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE STILL HANGING
AROUND AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

- GO ON, CHICKEN.
BACK TO YOUR COOP.

AND DON'T GO LOOKING
FOR HIM.

IT'LL JUST
MAKE THINGS WORSE.

- READY, SWEETIE?

DID HE TAKE OFF?

JUST AS WELL.

HE WAS A LITTLE TOO YOUNG
FOR YOU.

[chuckles]

- SHOULD I INVITE
MY COUSIN RITA?

- WHICH ONE'S SHE?
- YOU KNOW.

THE ONE
WITH THE, UH, OVERBITE

WHO NEVER APPROVED OF US?

- OH, HER.

MIGHT AS WELL.
SHE PROBABLY WON'T COME ANYWAY.

OH, THAT'S MY GOOD BOY.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

I USED TO SEE THESE WOMEN
FEEDING THEIR KIDS,

AND I'D THINK,
"UGH, WHAT A TURN-OFF."

BUT WATCHING YOU...

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

- YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
HOW CONNECTED YOU FEEL.

[baby coos]

GOOD NIGHT, SWEETIE.

NEXT TIME,
WE'LL FEED HIM TOGETHER.

YOU CAN GIVE HIM
MY BREAST.

- IT'S SO FULL.

I GUESS THAT'S ALL WE CAN DO
FOR NOW.

OH, 34 GUESTS.
THAT'S A LOT.

- NOT EVERYONE WILL SHOW.

- WELL, LET'S HOPE ONE
IN PARTICULAR DOESN'T.

- I HOPE WE WEREN'T
TOO HARD ON HIM.

- WHO? BRIAN?

- ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT THE INSURANCE.

IT ALMOST SOUNDED LIKE
WE WERE HOPING

SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN
TO HIM.

- WE'RE JUST BEING PRACTICAL.

I MEAN, HE'S THE FATHER,
ISN'T HE?

IT ONLY MAKES SENSE THAT HIS SON
SHOULD BE HIS BENEFICIARY.

[typing]

- I'M JUST SAYING
MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED

UNTIL HE WAS
OVER THE INITIAL SHOCK.

- [scoffs]

WHAT SHOCK?
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO GAVE BIRTH.

ALL HE DID WAS SHOW UP
WITH HIS LATEST TRICK.

- AT LEAST HE SHOWED UP.
- [scoffs] CHRIST.

IT NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME.
- WHAT?

- THE WAY YOU PUT UP
WITH HIS SHIT.

[baby fussing]
- SHH.

I DON'T PUT UP WITH IT.
- LIKE HELL.

- I UNDERSTAND IT.

HIM.
- WHAT?

THAT HE'S A BIGGER INFANT
THAN HIS SON?

- THAT HE DOES EXACTLY
WHAT HE WANTS.

NO EXCUSES,
NO APOLOGIES.

I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED HIM
FOR THAT.

- WELL, THEN YOU
CAN PUT UP WITH IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO.

- COME ON, LET'S GO BACK
TO SLEEP...

FOR AN HOUR.

- YES.

- SO YOU GOING OUT CRUISING
AFTER YOU DROP ME OFF?

- NO, I'VE BEEN INVITED
TO AN ALL-NIGHT ORGY.

- WHOO!

SOUNDS HOT.
[chuckles]

- AND IF YOU MUST KNOW, I AM
GOING BACK TO MY GAY APARTMENT,

TAKING OFF MY GAY CLOTHES,

AND GETTING
INTO MY GAY BED.

- YOU'RE IN A MOOD.

- IT'S GODDAMN BRIAN.

- WHAT DID HE DO THIS TIME?

- NEVER MIND.

- I WISH YOU WOULDN'T LET HIM
GET TO YOU.

BUT HE ALWAYS DOES.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP HOPING
THAT YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY.

WHY ARE
ALL THE LIGHTS ON?

SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG
WITH VIC.

VIC!

BABY?

IS EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT?

- JUST COULDN'T SLEEP.

HEY, MIKEY.
- UNCLE VIC.

- ARE YOU IN PAIN?

- YEAH.

- WHERE? TELL ME.
- MY WALLET.

- HOLY SHIT!
- WHAT IS IT?

- IT'S THE MASTERCARD BILL
FROM OUR...OUR TRIP TO ITALY.

- FIRST-CLASS AIRLINE TICKETS,

THE EXCELSIOR IN ROME,

THE DIAMOND AND CORAL EARRINGS
I BOUGHT YOU IN CAPRI.

THEY'RE ALL HERE.

THE PROBLEM IS,
SO AM I.

- DON'T SAY THAT.

IT'S A MIRACLE
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

- IT'S A MIRACLE HOW I'M GONNA
PAY FOR ALL OF THIS.

- HUSTLE?
- WHA--

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

[Minimal Peach by Greek Buck]

*

- * IT'S YOU, YOU,
YOU AGAIN *

* CREAMY CRUSH
WITH THE SUN COMING UP *

* GLANCE, LOOK, STARE

* STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO *

* IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS *

* I THINK WE JAM LIKE JELL

* JELLY BABY

*

* COME ON,
MAKE IT HAPPEN *

* PEACH MALIBU

*

* PEACH MALIBU

*

- PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT.

- * PEACH MALIBU

*

* EMPTY YOUR VESSEL
FOR ME *

* 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL TOGETHER
ON BUS 43 *

- I GUESS I'LL HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF THAT.

- * EMPTY YOUR VESSEL
FOR ME *

* 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL

- PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT.

- I'VE SEEN DIRTY DANCING,
LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

- WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE
TO FUCK HIM.

- DON'T SAY THAT, BRIAN.

- YOU'RE SO PATHETIC.

FIRST I'D UNZIP HIS FLY...

THEN I'D PULL OUT
HIS KING-SIZED BONER...

PLAY WITH IT,
REAL SLOW.

- OH, YEAH?

- HEY, MIKEY...

YOU HAVE A WOODIE.

- I DO NOT.
- YOU DO TOO.

WE'LL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.

*

- * GLANCE, LOOK, STARE

* STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO *

* IT BEATS SO FAST

* SO FAST IT STOPS

- HI, BABE.
- MA! CAN'T YOU KNOCK?

- I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE'RE HAVING A YARD SALE,

SO IF YOU WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING OUT--

OH, DON'T TELL ME YOU STILL
HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM.

[groovy music]

*

- I'D FUCK YOU.

[door buzzer]

*

TOP FLOOR.
COME ON UP.

CHRIST!
WHAT ARE YOU...

- I'M SORRY.
I-I DON'T WANT TO--

- YOU CAN'T JUST DROP BY
UNANNOUNCED.

- I JUST WANT TO TALK.

- THERE'S NOTHING
TO TALK ABOUT.

- PLEASE?
I WON'T STAY LONG.

I-I'LL JUST--CAN I?
- NO.

OH, SHIT.

*

- THE DOOR WAS ABOUT TO SHUT,
SO I...SLIPPED IN.

*

PENTHOUSE.
NOT BAD.

WHO'S THIS?
- NO ONE.

- I HAVE TO SEE YOU.

- I'M BUSY.

- I DON'T MIND A THREESOME,
ALTHOUGH HE'S KIND OF YOUNG.

- HE'S ALSO KIND OF LEAVING.
- WHO'S HE?

- FORGIVE ME
FOR NOT INTRODUCING YOU.

JUSTIN, THIS IS MR. GOODFUK.

MR. GOODFUK,
MAY I PRESENT JUSTIN.

- THE NAME IS GEORGE.

- SORRY.
GEORGE GOODFUK.

- YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

- WELL, I WAS HOPING
TO GET TO.

NOW WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SCAMPER ON HOME?

HE'S MY STALKER.

- THAT WASN'T VERY KIND...

SENDING HIM OFF,
A KID THAT AGE,

BY HIMSELF
AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.

- WHO ARE YOU?
FATHER GOODFUK?

OH, ALL RIGHT.

MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE.

AND DON'T...STEAL ANYTHING.

HEY. HEY!

I JUST LEFT A COMPLETE STRANGER
ALONE IN MY APARTMENT

TO COME TALK TO YOU,

SO DON'T RUN AWAY
FROM ME.

WE NEED TO GET SOMETHING
STRAIGHT.

- YOU DON'T DO BOYFRIENDS.
- OH.

MIKEY'S BEEN TALKING TO YOU.

- YOU'LL FUCK ANYONE.

HE'S UGLY.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

AND I...I REALLY--
- JUSTIN.

I'VE HAD YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT...
IT WAS FOR FUN.

YOU WANTED ME,
AND I WANTED YOU.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

- A FUCK?

- WELL, WHAT DID YOU
THINK IT WAS?

LOOK, I DON'T BELIEVE
IN LOVE.

I BELIEVE IN FUCKING.

IT'S HONEST.
IT'S EFFICIENT.

YOU GET IN AND OUT
WITH A MAXIMUM OF PLEASURE

AND A MINIMUM
OF BULLSHIT.

LOVE IS SOMETHING
THAT STRAIGHT PEOPLE

TELL THEMSELVES THEY'RE IN,
SO THEY CAN GET LAID,

AND THEN THEY END UP HURTING
EACH OTHER

BECAUSE IT WAS ALL BASED
ON LIES TO BEGIN WITH.

- [sniffling]

- IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,

THEN GO AND FIND YOURSELF
A PRETTY, LITTLE GIRL...

AND GET MARRIED.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

I WANT YOU.

- YOU CAN'T HAVE ME.
I'M TOO O--

YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR ME.

YOU'RE 17.
I'M 28.

- YOU'RE 29.

- ALL RIGHT.
29.

ALL THE MORE REASON.

NOW GO DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

- * IF I COULD
LAY ME DOWN NOW *

* IF I COULD PRAY
AND SLEEP *

[engine turns over]

* THE NIGHT NEVER ENDING

* MY WEARY SOUL TO KEEP

* IF I COULD
LAY ME DOWN NOW *

*

* IN A DREAM ASLEEP

- * LET'S GET SOAKIN' WET

[Dive in the Pool
by Barry Harris]

*

* COME ON

*

* I WANNA HEAR IT

* LET'S GET SOAKIN' WET