All language subtitles for 1972 - Die Liebestollen Apothekerstöchter

Send the telegram.

Dear father, been fired again and
haven't found another job. For lack of

references, stop. I'm coming home,
arriving on the 8 .30 train. Stop. Lots

love and kisses, your eldest daughter
Elizabeth.

That'll be $5 .50, miss.

I don't envy your father's position.

If it happens you've got sisters as
lovely as you, the man must have

You fool.

My dear friends, the weekly meeting of
the Citizens Committee against

and Pornography is open. Thank you for
attending in such great numbers to

discuss this very serious problem.

Indeed, we have all agreed...

This situation has to stop because sex
is ruining the world.

It's everywhere, Nicholas, just
everywhere.

Even magazines object us to the end of
us. There is nothing but bare asses.

It's immoral. Our children are in
danger. Not your daughters, though,

you are protecting them. That's quite
true.

There you are right. But I have seen to
it that their innocence and purity have

been protected. They have been sheltered
from the evils of life.

They're as chaste as they were born.

Damn it.

Just a minute.

Oh, for God's sake, stop waiting.

What is it?

Good morning, Mr. Baldeep. I brought a
telegram from Munich.

From Elizabeth, no doubt, but it just
couldn't have happened again.

She's the disgrace of our entire family.
Oh, but believe me, I have a few ways

to straighten that girl out.

You're really on a morality kick.

Go on, laugh, Sonny, but I think it's a
father's duty to be strict, and if any

man says different, he's wrong.

I've got to get up.

Oh, what's the hurry? It's early yet.

I'm not done.

Oh, my goodness. The man thinks he's not
done.

Maria!

Yes, Father?

Listen, Maria. Honey, I'm sorry to wake
you up so early on Sunday, but I just

got a telegram from your sister.

She's coming in this morning on the 8
.30 train. Go meet her. Hurry, get ready

and go get Elizabeth for me.

Oh, Father, I'm sorry, but I really
don't feel very well. I've been up all

with a kind of heaviness on my stomach.

You just stay in bed and rest. It'll
help. Yes, Father, that's advice I'll

You're such a fragile child.

Stay warm. That's important.

You have to really be careful that you
don't overtax yourself.

You are fragile.

Well, so if you can't go, tell Christy
to go get Elizabeth. I'm in no condition

to do it because I'd make a scene. I
know I'm ready to explode.

Me too. I'll stay calm this time.

But you've got to get up now, Christy.

What the hell are you doing here?
Elizabeth arrives at 8 .30, and you have

pick her up.

Oh, you're up. Why don't you go after
her? I'm going back to bed. Father

that I've got intestinal flu, and he
told me to stay in bed to cure it.

Now, listen, your father's getting on my
nerves. And I'm tired of this slipping

in and slipping out every day.

Look, after today, my love, all that is
over. Father has to be convinced we have

to take you as a board.

A man won't be very easy to convince,
will he?

Father has a very suspicious nature.

God, he's worse than a bloodhound. You
know he thinks I'm sick. You've got to

and pick her up. I'm going back to
Amadeus.

Well, what's with your sister?

Why'd she come back?

I'll bet she was fired for
insubordination. Her jobs don't last

Uh, excuse my asking, but are you
waiting for someone? You're a pretty

intelligent young man.

Oh.

Uh, we're angry today.

Sitting on a bench an hour isn't enough
to make anybody furious. Probably

Father's punishment.

I have a very strong impression that you
and your father have had a

misunderstanding. Sure have, and all
because of you men.

We men? What's wrong with us?

Why are men just after one thing?

Ah, you've had some bad experiences with
men, I see. Bad is hardly the word, and

I'm sick to death of all of you and your
fooling around.

Really that bad?

Yes, I was fired again.

You see, I'm a nurse, and one of the
male patients pinched my fanny. So out

sheer fury, I returned it just at the
moment his imbecile wife chose to walk

She reported to the ward chief that I
was abusing the poor man.

Then came the office scene, and he
started messing around.

So I slapped the chief. And before long,
I was called in to explain to the main

chief of staff, who after a second
decided to check things over.

Checking for something wrong with you.
He started by checking my appendix, but

looked much lower than where it's
located.

I hit him so hard he went through the
window.

And that ended my nursing career.

That's too bad. Good nurses are hard to
find, you know. How would you know

anything like that?

Oh, but you see, I have an ungood
authority.

Marcus Kerner.

Doctor of medicine.

Oh, no, for heaven's sake. Are you
another quack?

Well, birds of a feather flock together.
Well, go fly someplace else, doctor.

Sorry, we just got your telegram a few
minutes ago. Honey, has the same thing

happened? I'll tell you at the house.
Oh, may I? That's kind, really. Thank

But I'd rather do it myself, Doctor.

Oh.

Okay, here we go.

Maria, there's no reason to celebrate
Elizabeth's homecoming with a cake.

Oh, but Father, don't be like that. You
know that when you were young, you

weren't a whole lot better. What do you
mean, no better, when I was young? I was

barely 18 at the time your saintly
mother and I were married.

I'll get one. You get the other.

Close it.

One thing is sure, you haven't lost your
appetite.

Speaking of losing things, now that your
stomach is good and full, will you

kindly explain just what happened to get
you fired again from another job? And I

don't want to hear some made -up story.
Very well, because I have no appendix.

What does that have anything to do with
it?

They can't fire you for that. Tell me
the facts, dear, please. Tell me the

about it. I'm telling the truth.
Elizabeth, for God's sake, everybody can

job, but please make sense.

Tell me each and every detail.

The chief wanted to examine my appendix,
and since mine was removed, he got mad

and canned me for not showing the scar.

If he asked that, it meant you were
flirting with him, right? You know I

flirt, Father, and certainly not with
him. I couldn't damn the man.

And besides, I'm not the type to jump in
bed for kicks. I would have to love the

man. You've probably forgotten we're in
front of your sisters, who've never

heard such language in their innocent
young lives.

Oh, don't worry. I'm almost as innocent
as they are. Outside of a few kisses,

I'm as pure as the driven snow.

Oh, boy, do you think she means that?
Well, if she does, we've got headache.

Don't you realize a kiss leaves the door
open and that leads to grandchildren?

That's ridiculous.

I need your help. Together, let's save
her honor and set her straight.

Offer yourselves as her example. Show
her the right path to follow.

You found the best pair of teachers in
the world because Christy and I believe

the good way is best.

And nobody can be more correct in their
lives than we are, just as you taught us

all along.

Sorry I'm so late.

Oh, who will be here?

Elizabeth's home again.

Yes, and hopefully I'll be leaving soon.

Amadeus, you don't look too good. Oh, I
don't? You aren't sick? No, it's just

insomnia, I think. Lately, I don't sleep
too well.

I've got some little problems that keep
me awake.

But I'm working hard at solving them. It
just makes me a little tired all the

time. Look, Amadeus, it's easy to solve
them. Take your problems to Maria.

I'm sure she'll help you.

I don't know if I've learned enough to
help him.

It's Sunday, so you've got the whole day
to get some rest.

Excuse me, I hope I'm not interrupting.
I was told over at the store you might

have a room to rent me.

There's one, yes. Are you a summer
visitor?

I'm here studying.

I volunteered for a semester of field
experience in administration.

I'm sorry, my name is Peter Foster.

Oh, administration.

That's very nice.

Well, look, before you rent one of my
rooms, have I your word that my

innocence is not endangered in the
least? It's all my word of honor.

That's good. You're a real gentleman.
I'll show you the room now.

You have any luggage?

It's at my hotel.

Yes. Elizabeth, you're to go up to your
room and unpack your things first. Then

you come downstairs and meet me in the
pharmacy.

Amadeus, stop eating so much.

And you, Maria, clean up the shop for
tomorrow.

Christy, you just clean the table.
Follow me, young man.

You said your name is Peter.

Got any ideas about Elizabeth?

Well, I'm afraid she's a virgin. Which
means if she finds us messing around,

she'll tell father.

That'd be a disaster.

And then all of our fun will have to
come to a stop. And all on account of an

older sister who's still cherry.

Somebody better make her. What somebody?

I got it, Nicholas.

Oh, sure. For years he's been in love
with Elizabeth.

He should be more than willing to do it.

Amadeus, you can't go to sleep in here.
Wake up, huh?

I've got to get someone to sleep.

If father comes in, it'll make him mad.
We're supposed to clean up.

How do you expect any man to keep going
at your pace? You murderers. I'm not.

And now let's get to work. Here.

I want to know the truth. Why were you
fired? It'd make my day if she said

made love with somebody.

Oh, stop preaching. I'm taking the first
train now. My appendix and I are fed

up. You stay home, Elizabeth, and my
decision's final. I'm not about to let

begin again. You live here and help me,
and Amadeus can find another job, that's

all. No.

Why'd you say no?

You said no.

You said no, loud and clear. I didn't.
You said no, and you know it. For God's

sake, child, you're making me lose my
temper. You said no. I heard it. I'm

certain.

What's making you groan?

Well, that's for you to tell me, Father.
What?

What's making you grow like that?

I understand your tactic, confusing me.
It won't work.

Still stubborn as a mule, you'll never
change. Well, here's a detail to a plan

in your mind.

I'm not sleeping with men, understand?
If you feel I play watchdog, you should

watch over what's happening at home.
Look, I'm not the only daughter in this

house. Can I take good care of... Oh,
there's someone at the door.

Even on Sundays, I deserve a day off,
too.

Just a minute, just a minute.

I'm sorry to make you open on a Sunday.
Oh, Sunday's just another day in my

profession. Now then, how may I help
you, sir?

Elizabeth, go to your room now. Oh, just
a moment.

You see, I came to talk to you.

Might as well leave then.

I've been told your daughter is a
registered nurse, and I need another

two for the rejuvenation clinic where
I've been named staff physician.

Oh, but I didn't introduce myself to
you.

Dr. Marcus Kerner. I'm Filbert Baldy.

I'm afraid that you came for nothing
because my daughter has promised to stay

home and help me. Oh, she has?

Oh, well, that makes a difference.

I had intended to send you my
prescriptions, and each morning she

them with her.

Prescriptions? Oh, well, I suppose
someone could replace her helping out in

if you need her.

Yes, good nurses are hard to find.
Elizabeth would be honored to work for

Thanks for asking my opinion first
before agreeing.

In the morning, we'll discuss your
salary. That's very important.

Have a nice Sunday.

Ah, doctor.

You have a nice day, too.

He's another jackass, for sure.

Oh, Elizabeth, it's obvious that he's
a... A madman. A gentleman. That's

what I was going to say. From his head
to his feet, you can see it. I think

utterly disgusting. It's probably
because you think he's disgusting that I

him personally. I know what makes you
angry. He's the first man to be totally

unimpressed by your lovely face and
behaves himself. You've lost all sense

morality.

Yes, but in six years, I haven't heard
from her. She can't be in love with me.

Elizabeth is too shy to tell you. Then
why does she always avoid me when she's

in town?

Oh, it makes no sense if she really
loves me.

That group, she's got it bad, then.

How do you figure that?

She's being very coy. If she avoids you,
it's for the obvious reason of keeping

you from knowing.

You wouldn't fool me. I'm afraid you're
putting me on. Elizabeth can't stand

gentle guys. They have to have push,
attack.

Just come to the pharmacy at ten
tonight. Go to the garden and Chris,

there. I'm afraid she's too young for
me.

Idiot. Only to make sure the gate's
open.

It'll never work. Sure it will. And
especially if you drink four scotches

beforehand. That's most important, to
build up your courage.

Oh, well, if you say so, I'll do it. But
if I drink four, it might make me

impotent. It'll make you into a he -man
for her. Elizabeth will be thrilled for

sure. Uh -huh.

Mr. Paran has received his third vitamin
booster. Mr.

Kolbinski is quite nervous. He asked for
a sedative. He says he'll feel better

after good night's sleep. Well, give him
some aspirin and tell him it's sleeping

pills. The same type I use myself.

I don't find anything else here to
report.

I forgot to inform you, tomorrow a
newcomer joins us. If you wouldn't mind,

her in on things, huh?

Kind of show her the ropes and
afterwards bring her to my office. And

she'll agree to work for us. I sure
will. I mean, it isn't very easy to find

nurse this day. I found her almost by
accident.

I have a feeling about her.

That is about her qualifications.

Oh, her name is Elizabeth Baldeep. That
last name I wouldn't tell the patient.

Oh, yes.

That ought to shake them up.

Are you sure she's a virgin? Yes, saved
all this time for you.

I was taught that virginity was given
away after marriage.

Old -fashioned people wait till after,
but we're young and modern.

I almost forgot.

My weekly conference. I have to make
some notes.

All this trash.

It'll be the death of me, but I'll stop
all this.

Such obscenity.

But I have responsibilities as a father.

No one will ever catch me sleeping on
the job.

But I'd better take another day to sober
up. Come on, get going.

No.

Well, as I live and breathe, Nicholas,
what a surprise.

Yes, well, I wanted to...

Your sister said you were here, and I
just wanted to say good day.

But it's ten at night.

What I really wanted to say is good
night.

How's everything going?

Well, she hasn't thrown him out yet.
Look through the keyhole.

I'm in town again.

Oh, damn it. I can't see a thing. She
left the key in the door. I guess we'd

better listen.

And so you figured at my age I'm not up
to date about the facts of life and

other things I ought to know?

Yeah. If you plan to give me lessons,
may I ask, has my father approved of

nocturnal instruction?

Oh, no. If your father knew, he'd kill
me.

Well, you sell him here, so I thought
that... Well, you see, my back hurts me.

Oh, really, I'm ashamed. I should have
phoned first.

It's my lumbago acting up again. It's
terribly painful.

Oh, poor darlings in pain.

You come here and take your clothes off
and I'll do what I can.

No, Elizabeth, it's not necessary.

Come and lie down on my bed.

If you feel that bad, I know how to cure
you. It's just tension you've had

building up for a long time.

Now we begin with a hand, slowly up and
then down.

You have to relax and take things
calmly.

I still don't believe she's just a
beginner.

Now, just a little farther down farther.

Shutting from the sounds, everything's
okay.

We're finally getting there. Just a
little more.

That makes two less virgins, I think.
She fit.

Sounds like she's enjoying herself.

I've never been so thirsty in my life.

Get a drink.

Dying of thirst.

Dying of thirst.

Father. Let's get out of here. If he
sees us, we've had it.

What's going on here? A second ago,
there was a light on. Now that I need

there isn't any. Oh, that does it.
Tomorrow morning, I'm having a

installed out here.

Your father!

Quick, on the veranda.

Try every door till you find one open.
Go on, hurry.

Yeah, I was feeling for the light and
took a fall. I know. Your fall shook the

whole room. If you heard me, why didn't
you come out and help?

Oh, but, Father, in my nightgown, I
mean, since you demand decency in this

house, and your new tenant might have
seen me, you know. Bravo, bravo, my

I see that a single day here under this
moral roof you've... No, a roof has no

effect. I mean, under a roof without any
morality... That's wrong, too.

What I mean, Elizabeth... Oh, you've an
idea of what I mean?

Come here, Father, you absolutely
adorable creature. Come give me a big

Hey,

you're off limits, fella. Get your rifle
out of here.

I have no rifle. I've never gotten one.
There's different kinds of rifles.

Get your ass out. There's no hunting in
here.

Good night, Elizabeth.

Sleep well, my child.

You too, Father.

What's the meaning of being in my bed?

I have to get more details about next
week's conference. I feel there's

missing, too, but don't look in my bed
for them in the middle of the night.

You have so much work during the day.
That's enough. You're leaving.

Immediately. Oh, there's another reason
you're here, that's for sure. And if

it's what I think, and it better not be,
or... Oh, poor Nicholas.

You're a disgrace to nature.

Your hormones need checking, and
frankly, I think you should see a

Oh, I can't wake up.

This morning, you both get an earful.
And don't you forget my words ever

When I make up my mind to sleep with
someone, I'll choose in myself, not you.

don't bother to send me another of your
Christmas gifts by way of St. Nick.

What's that supposed to mean? It just
means I know the facts. Your bed

Peter, and you shack up with Amadeus.

And so from now on, all sex stops for
you under this roof.

And if you plan on repeating last
night's episode with Nicholas, you might

well forget it. Or I'll tell Father what
I know. He'd find it quite interesting.

You've nothing to tell it all, so you
forget it. I have a habit in the morning

of going for a stroll.

Sometimes I go very early in the
morning.

You don't mean that you spy on us. It's
been proven that a walk in the night air

is better than an apple a day.

You can't blackmail us. We just happened
to know that Nicholas was in your room

last night. And Maria and I overheard
everything that was going on. Oh, what

hoped was. You see, I knew the two of
you were there.

Only you've sadly misconstrued what you
wish with what really happened last

night. He was suffering with lumbago, so
as a nurse, I gave him a real good

massage.

Anything else you want to know?

No? Then excuse me, I have to hurry.

That damn little bitch.

What did she mean about taking a walk
every night? Just that any night she

be out there on the veranda, and should
we be with the boys, we'll get caught.

Oh, Peter will never take that. He'll
blow up.

And my poor Amadeus. He needs me every
night, he said.

Dr. Kerner is private hospital.

I'm very pleased to welcome you to the
staff of my clinic and hope you'll enjoy

your job. Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, why be angry over yesterday?

You're part of the business, man.

I hope you're as capable as you are
pretty.

Which is more essential?

It's a toss -up.

Competence is essential for the work,
but... But I run a rejuvenation clinic

not a crematorium.

My patients need plenty of what people
call TLC.

Which means you don't think it's
ridiculous for a nurse to wear this?

I'll find it lovely.

And so will I. Yeah, well, maybe for a
stripper, only not a nurse.

Ah, there you're wrong.

It's very healthy, stimulating, and
attractive.

Must you smile at things that aren't
funny at all?

No, I haven't written an order that big
for years. You're quite right. But

there's a new hospital near here.

You must mean Dr. Kerner's hospital,
where old fellows go to be rejuvenated.

Here's Maria. Dr. Holler, how are you?
Just fine.

One look at Maria and no man would need
it.

She makes me feel raring to go. Hold on,
Holler. Hold your tongue in front of

her. You're forgetting she's an innocent
child.

Father, what are you and Mr. Holler
talking about?

The voice of innocence and purity.

Come give me a kiss. Oh, please, come
give me one as well.

Holler, you shut up.

Now. Maria, check our supply of stomach
calmers and see if we need any. Look for

a sodium bicarbonate.

You're absolutely calming.

And look at those legs.

Mr. Haller, will you kindly refrain from
staring at my daughter? I have an order

to give you, so look at me instead.

Maria is far more pleasant to look at.
And since I haven't been a real man for

years, my only pleasure is looking.

You have a wife to look at. You haven't
seen my wife, have you?

Too bad nobody's made a kind of pill to
boost the virility we lose with age to

full force again. Come here.

I know this pill can be made. The
formula is written down in this old book

I got in medical school.

It's so strong that it makes any man so
amorous he'll go for the ugliest woman

alive and still have the time of his
life.

It can turn a Shetland pony into a full
-grown stallion.

Have you ever tried it, to be sure? Oh,
for myself, I don't need it. But once I

did mix up a little to see how it'd
affect a rooster, a minute later he took

after a vulture.

Then I made some for a friend in such
shape he couldn't do it. A few seconds

went by, and then wham, bam, like that,
he's cured. There's no more powerful

medicine. His wax?

Oh, absolutely, no doubt about it. This
guy, in ten days, laid ten different

girls in different cities and fathered a
child with each of them.

Your friend got round enough.

He had a motorcycle.

How do you expect to ever get strong if
you always make me take it away?

There, now, you just relax and try to
get some sleep.

Don't be naughty.

Mr. Berger, don't groan so loud. It
disturbs the others. Tea makes my

hurt. You're making noises just to get
my attention, and I'm not falling for

same trick again. My stomach's killing
me. I wouldn't lie to you.

Okay, Mr. Berger, then I'll call Dr.

Kerner. You'll be all right if you just
massage him for a while.

Go on, miss. Massage the little guy.

You do it so well, miss, with your soft
hands.

You win. But if you begin again, Dr.
Kerner will be told what's going on.

Oh -ho.

If I understand correctly, the patients
who come for treatment are for the most

part ineffectual in bed, right? Well,
I'm pleased to say you can send him away

as cure. Oh, I'm so grateful to you.
I've stayed another month.

Well, that certainly proves my theory on
your talent.

I think if you're that good at massage,
you might take care of something I have.

Would you massage me?

Massage? Where?

My heart, naturally. Where else?

Try to do it later.

Oh, just a moment.

There's something else I wanted to ask
you.

Medically, Doctor?

Yes.

Which part of the body can swell six
times its normal size under special

circumstances? Men only have that. You
mean women have no pupil in the eye?

Really, Elizabeth, for a nurse, you've
an exceedingly dirty mind.

It promises every man ecstasy.

Look, it's written by Dominican priests,
so it's got to have some truth to it.

Dominicans never lie.

Father had a big success with it on his
friend.

And if the pills don't work, it means
our fun and games are all over.

I think Elizabeth's a very charming
girl, but her charms belong at the North

Pole, for instance.

Yeah, rubbing noses is more her speed.

Well, these might change things.

How many pills do you think we'll need?

Oh, make 30.

That should take care of Elizabeth.

Odds are on our side. 30 men running
after her. One's got to get it. And what

all 30 get to your sister?

What then? It's a bad vengeance. It's
sweet.

We're finished.

Amadeus, get me a box to put him in. Oh,
I feel like a slave.

Here, put him in the sleeping pill box.

No, this box is full already.

Well, then I'll empty it.

The fun begins.

There you go.

Here's to success.

I just hope it works.

Good morning.

Good morning.

How can I help you?

I need condensed baby milk, please.
Three bucks.

Why, though?

You looking down enough to nurse a
child?

I'm big on there's no milk.

If you'll allow me to look.

Now, don't be embarrassed. It's purely
professional.

Oh, nice.

I mean, it's nice. There's no physical
problem.

You just need my special mixture. If you
take a teaspoon each morning, then your

milk will flow to busting. I mean
bursting. Really?

What is it? It's my special preparation
that's guaranteed to have results.

It's $50 a box. That's awfully high.

Think of the child.

Nothing like breastfeeding, you know.
Oh, thank you. Thank you. Well, goodbye.

Father, they delivered this telegram
just a second ago for you.

Telegrams don't upset me, as you know,
but yawning employees do. Amadeus, stop

that. Now, what have we here?

Oh, Aunt Lily Mae is coming to visit us.

Oh, get the girly magazines I've got and
throw them out.

Amadeus, you hide the liquor bottles,
and you and your sisters dress decently.

Lily Mae is morality itself.

I run a strict house, but by her
standards, it's a Bordeaux.

Gilbert. Yes, Lily Mae.

Gilbert. We've got time for another
round before we go.

Lily Mae, you were expected at your
brother -in -law's last week. Oh, for

goodness sake, we've got plenty of time,
honey. And besides, my old brother -in

-law's got this silly, god -awful bug
about goodness and virtue and all that

nonsense. You've got the time to do it
again. Come on.

I've got time, but you're killing me.
Oh, sweetie, you can make it. Now, let's

go.

What time is it?

Five to ten. Get everything set to go.

After the trouble we've been through, I
just hope these things work.

We'll find out soon enough.

Keep going. We're almost there.

Hurry up and stop making so much noise.

You can do it, Nick.

Nicholas was delighted to volunteer. He
never walked a second.

Here, take this pill. It's found. That's
a good boy. That's fine.

Here, Nicholas.

You feel anything?

What if the pill doesn't work? Stop
worrying. Look, it should take a little

while to take effect. You'll see. In no
time at all, you'll turn into

Elizabeth's dream woman.

Yes. Now you go on. You just charge in.

Again?

The nerve of you after last night's
fiasco. You should have learned a

And if I find my sisters behind the
door, then all hell is going to break

Oh, you're alone. I knew you were
stupid, but I didn't know you were that

stupid.

Get out!

Oh, it's you again. Don't you think
you're overdoing this routine? I

forbid you in my bed. And I will not be
seduced, you hear? I am not that way.

Keep your distance. Keep away from me.
You're crazy. You're a...

None

of

the men in my family have ever been
fags.

Children. He tried to rape me.

Heaven sent you to me. You're my angel
of mercy. I'm sure you'll be able to

help.

I'll be glad to do what I can.

Let's hurry. Come on.

Wait a minute.

What's this help you need?

I have to... Oh, I love bagels back
again. You better scram.

Oh, the corn is so green.

Oh, Gilly, Gilly, I've decided that I
want it here.

Oh, Lily Mae, love, listen, this is the
fifth stop today.

Oh, you have to.

Come on, my little Gilly, Gilly, give me
a little goo -zoo -goo -zoo. But I've

run out of goo -zoo -goo -zoo. Oh, come
on, hurry, I need you. Oh, no. Come on,

Gilly, Gilly, look, I know another way.
I've never had time to show you, and

you'll love it.

I would have bet that old double -dumb
Nicholas wasn't our man. What if I took

the pill and put myself into it? I got
the temperament for it, and I'm horny,

too. You forget that, Gig. Besides,
we've got to make up another batch of

What? Virgin Elizabeth has got all the
pills we had in stock.

All the pills? That could mean trouble
if she gives those pills to her

Are you all set to have your fanny
pinched by our little savages? Not

brought along a few pills to make sure
my bottom doesn't get pinched. Our boss

doesn't allow sleeping pills because his
fanny never gets pinched. I'm on your

side.

I need four more, and that should do it.

They're really nervous today.

The tea will calm them down.

Good luck.

Here comes Florence Nightingale. Drink
your tea like a good boy.

Drink it while it's nice and hot.

You know tea gives me crap. Nonsense.
It's especially good today.

You want some sugar? Just what you need
to relax you. Thank you. You're welcome.

A woman! A woman!

A woman!

A woman! A woman!

A woman! A woman! A woman! A woman! A
woman! A woman! A woman! A woman! A

A woman!

What's all this screaming about? The
patients.

All of them are completely insane. They
suddenly jumped up and started chasing

after us.

All right, stop this immediately.

I order all patients to take a cold
shower.

Then hot compresses and back to bed.
Sorry,

I'm late. The meat might have burned.

Oh, just a little joke.

Bad taste for a cook.

don't change, I have a feeling we'll
lose our men.

They're both complaining about not
having had it for a week.

Yeah, and they're starting to go out at
night.

Well, I've no one to sleep with. I
freeze at night.

If you want to freeze, then try to make
love out in the cold, hard fields. I

tried it. It was awful.

We have, too, but didn't find any place
without ants.

I have to tell Bert to bring a blanket
for Elizabeth.

Oh, have you got everything set?

He accepted with pleasure. He's wanted
Elizabeth for a long, long time.

Oh, I finally got out of that. That
nuthouse of a clinic.

Those patients.

Every single one of those old fogies
went wild and tried to ball everything

within reach. Those men are so bad that
I thought that if I put a sedative in

their afternoon tea, I'd have some rest
from the pinching, but something went

wrong.

Oh, but that's awful. You escaped,
didn't you? Oh, I escaped all right,

the skin of my teeth.

I've been given tomorrow off to rest, so
I'm going swimming with Bert. He's been

asking me for ages to go. Good idea. It
would be wonderful for you to get some

sun.

Doesn't matter. I'm so tired I'll never
notice if the sun's out or not.

I hope tonight stupid Nicholas doesn't
visit us.

So Bert gets his bill first thing
tomorrow for certain. Oh, that fellow

come through. Oh, I have a feeling he'll
make it.

But, Bert, would you rub on some suntan
oil?

Yeah, sure.

So quiet and restful.

Yeah. Slip out of your bikini.

It's better to because the sun will make
strap marks.

Bert, you do it. I can't move.

Oh, Elizabeth, you can't leave me like
this. I need you. I have you.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're after a
fast all over again, use Finnegan's oil.

I'll bring back your towel later.

What a very original advertisement for a
product.

Her Finnegan's can't be very good.

She's pretty pale.

Have fun in the sun, naturally.

That's what you're so proud of.

50 by 7. Here you are. Don't need to
wrap it.

Come again, sir.

Have a nice day. Thanks.

You can leave it open.

Well, how did it go today? Is there one
less virgin in the world? We failed

again. Nothing happened.

But... What if Peter and I took over?
Maybe... You're out of your mind. No

Listen, if we both took the pill
together, Elizabeth too. Together, I

way, you horny bastard. I know what you
want.

Okay, if you both like sleeping alone.

Shh, your father.

Oh, I've really started to worry now.
Aunt Lily Mae should have been here days

ago.

I'm sure that something has happened.
The telegram said she'd be here. She'll

show up. She won't come by air. She's
afraid to fly, and besides, all the

airline personnel are on strike. She
might be coming in by train. That's no

good. With this heat, the trains derail
because the tracks are hot and they'll

be warped. Oh, but Father, what if she's
coming by bus or car? No, Christy,

that's out. Statistics show that roads
are more dangerous in summertime.

Oh, she'll probably find some way to get
here. Don't be so pessimistic. She

might have tried to come on foot.

And with all the highway thieves that
are out on the road now, no, I'm afraid

this trip has led her poor soul up to
heaven. I feel so badly I'll even drink

black coffee to mourn her. Oh, poor Lily
Mae.

Heaven's above.

I can't get over it. Now I call that
stamina.

Well, mister, how long have you been
standing there?

About an hour, I guess.

Thank you for waiting around.

Gilly, gilly, did you hear?

An hour with a new record for us.

That ought to hold us for at least the
next 50 miles. I hope so, Lily Mae. I

hope so. Have a nice day, my friend.

I hope you enjoyed yourself as much as
Gilbert and I did.

Bye, Lily Mae.

No, sure. I wouldn't mind trying their
way out myself.

Only where'd I find a fancy car like
that?

I wonder if the hay wagon could give me
the same feeling.

Elizabeth, Dr. Kern is waiting in the
garden for you. Invite him to come in.

I did, only he said he'd be disturbing
us. Oh, I'll go see what he wants. You

stay here, Father. I'm the one he came
to see.

I know it's your day off, and believe
me, I'm very sorry.

But you see, I'm supposed to address a
doctor's convention.

You mean the one you weren't going to
attend? Does Telegram change things? I

mean, if they beg me, I've got to go.

And so I thought it'd be nice to take a
member of the staff along.

Who? I thought about asking you to go.

Well, frankly, I need your help.
Somebody to root for me.

Scared? Mm -hmm.

It's the first speech I've ever made.

I'm sure you'll be able to manage the
situation.

Sorry, but I'm on night call. Not any
longer.

As of today, you've been relieved of it.
Doctor, you might as well forget it. My

daughter will never go with some strange
man on a trip, you hear? I'm hardly a

strange man to your daughter.

I'm her boss.

Conferences are all babylons of evil.

Towers of Babel. And Elizabeth is too.
Your daughter is old enough to defend...

Defend herself, yes. And that's
precisely the age to protect her.

As you see, Father needs some
convincing.

I will not back down, Elizabeth.

I won't give in to her.

Now, you listen. Leave that suitcase
where it is. Elizabeth, I said no. Don't

forget. And I'm saying yes.

Look, I'll only be gone for one night.
And that's all it takes.

All because of one night I was with your
mother. I had to marry her.

Oh, but Father, you don't think after
the upbringing you've given me I'd be

that? Well, I guess not.

Because of that, you may go this once.

I'll lug it.

Elizabeth can come after all. I'm very
pleased.

Yes, and I'm going with her. I'm
father's one condition. That's my bag.

Elizabeth's bringing hers.

You got the pill?

Yes. Give them here.

Dr. Kern is our last chance. I know.

I won't be long. It's time to get a
cigarette.

Would you get me a box of chocolate?
Sure.

Happy to see you, but presents not
indispensable.

I'm very pleased that your dear mother
sent you here. I've needed help for some

time. Mother's pleased also. She told me
that until you became an old man, you

took good care of her. Well, you mean
when I was younger. There's a great

difference. Oh, it's perfectly true you
can't grow younger, but the heart's more

important. As to the rest... The rest
has become older.

Well, if you want the truth, it's a
little worn out, but it functions still.

Yes, about your duties in this house,
you'll dress decently first. I'm

of the committee here against smut and
dirt.

Have a look at me, then. I'm spotless
because I bathe every Friday.

Well, you look clean, I must say.

Shoes and all, clean as a whistle.

And stay like that for Aunt Lily May.

Oh, come on.

Come on, here you go.

That'll be perfect.

Beside the rippling water.

Come on, my little Hiawatha.

Oh, but I just can't. It's only been 25
miles. Minnehaha Planting Good Medicine.

I'll never get it up. I haven't got the
energy.

You sure you can.

I've got the energy.

Come on.

This place is no good. It's nothing but
mud and slime and quite likely its own

quicksand. Oh, stop worrying. You've got
me to pull you out.

Dr.

Kerner, I called this morning for two
rooms and later a third. Oh, one minute,

doctor. You've been given two adjoining
rooms on the first floor, 132 and 133.

The third room is on the fourth floor,
though, number 428.

Sorry, I haven't anything better at the
moment.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be fine.

We'll go and pack. Will you give me the
key to our rooms? I'm sorry, but the

doctor took them.

Oh, Elizabeth, your room is number 132.

Maria is on another floor. She's 428.

Well, the conference, getting a room is
a miracle.

Which is the doctor's room? Number 133.

Oh, what a funny coincidence.

Perhaps it was fate. I believe whole
lives are changed like that. You think

Excuse me, doctor. Will you sign the
register, please?

Now this time it has to work.

Oh, mamma mia. Oh, mister, help me. You
gotta.

It's Lucia. She's my wife. She's killing
me. I can't bear it. I can't help it.

The police could if your wife's out for
you. In the bed.

You gotta help me. Sono finito.

I didn't think Italians would ever admit
that.

But what can I do about it?

Oh, maledetto. Mister, see, there's
something, surely.

Capito? I got a wife who's young, and
she's gonna start running around, or

worse, run away with another man. If I
understand, you've got all the trouble

you need.

Ah.

I have this pill.

Here.

Only a one?

It's enough for now, my friend, you'll
see. Five bucks. Mamma mia, it's molto

caro. Sex is worth it.

And if tomorrow you're still happy with
it and still alive, I'll give you

another one. Grazie, grazie mille. Oh,
but, sir, don't forget you swallow it.

Oh, si, si.

For it. Not for us. I'm not going to
forget.

Ciao.

No answer. I'm sure your sister's
avoiding me.

Tell me, but be honest with me. Have I
any hope? Oh, Elizabeth, it's pretty

difficult at times. Don't worry, doctor.
I personally think that after marriage

she'll change.

Have you considered that?

Yes.

I hope I didn't keep you waiting. You
did, and I'm hungry. Oh, of course

girls have to eat, but later, Maria.

Please leave us alone, because I don't
think the doctor and I understand each

other. Make yourself scarce while we
talk.

Okay, I got the message. You mean go
powder my nose.

My curiosity's aroused, Elizabeth, about
what are we going to talk.

I feel that it's time for it to be
truthful, and I have three words to say.

they are?

You feel these come?

Good evening, miss.

Please... May I have the key to Dr.
Kerner's room? He forgot something he

Number 133.

Your drink, sir.

You meant what you just said?

Every word. The telegram says the
conference doesn't require your

you made another mistake, doctor,
getting two rooms that happen to be

It's a very elaborate plan to try and
sleep with me. Only you failed. Just a

minute. If that's all I wanted, my
hospital would do as well.

I'm not that free.

If you were, I wouldn't mind.

Without a doubt, you've got to be at the
height of vulgarity and commonness.

I've run out of words to say what you
are. Oh, but flatter you'll get you

nowhere. Prost.

Oh, please, God, help me make him drink
this glass of water.

Just thank God that I'm well -mannered,
or otherwise you would have gotten a

slap. But, Elizabeth, what have I done
besides invite you here? What am I

responsible for? Your horrid thoughts.

Maria, your timing is just perfect. The
doctor must leave us because he still

has his speech to go over. Speak?

Did you forget that's the reason you're
here?

Excuse me.

Lucia mia, prego, a glass of water. Oh,
yeah? And then your slippers and your

silly old paper and me. I spent another
lonely night.

No, no, prego, get me a little aqua.
It's for you so you don't sleep solo

tonight, for I'm asleep with Lucia.

I'll have to see that.

You're going to see all right.

Listen to the big talk from the little
man.

It's been forever since anything worked
with you. Don't make me laugh.

Let's face it, you're a sexual washout.

Yeah, no pill's going to help.

It takes more than a miracle to make a
cocker spaniel's ears stand up straight.

Why I married you, I'd like to know.

If this goes on, I'm going to have to
get a guy... Oh, Lucia.

What's there to look at? I've been
looking for ages, and what do I see?

I will show you.

Lucia mia.

This will have to go down in history.

Good heavens, Cesare.

You're better than ever.

Lucia mia, vieni presto, fasto, fasto.
You're going to have to hurry before

to go away.

He may not laugh.

Ah, mi bella Lucia.

Get that off her. Hurry, Lucia, presto.
I'm a buster, you understand?

Give me that, I'm going to help you now.

Why, you wouldn't got to have so much
junk, I want to know.

Ah, amore mia.

Mia Madonna, piccolina.

Oh,

Ginger, you're a savage liar.

A liar.

you about.

I'm not going to eat you for my dinner.

I'm the king of the jungle.

God leave the king.

I'm the king of the...

Dr. Kerner.

But I have to have the 133. I've always
been in that room. I've become used to

it after all these years. Yes. You see
if you can fix it.

Just put the man elsewhere.

Thank you, Excellency.

It's his first visit here. He'll
probably never come back. Now, let's

I'll put him in room 117. He hasn't come
in yet this evening. Let's see. So I'll

have his things taken out and you can
have your room immediately.

Good, lad. Thank you. Glad I could help.

Oh, Maria, I've had too much to drink.

We've got to go.

I see two naughty Marias and one naughty
Maria's enough.

And I see two Virgin Elizabeths and even
one is ridiculous.

Maria, in order not to appear drunk,
we're going to both walk out perfectly

straight.

Let's get your nightgown on. Now the
other arm. And we're all set for the

There you go.

Now then.

Night, sweetie.

Can I have... You want your key?

Yeah, that's it.

Room number 133. Oh, yes, sure, Dr.
Kerner. There's been a leak in your

I'm sorry to say.

We've been forced to give you another
room.

Oh?

It'll be interesting to know how much he
gave you as a tip.

But, sir... Look, I don't really care.

Give me any room.

Room number 117.

It's one of our best.

Couldn't care less.

Good night.

What's my name?

Who

the

hell invented nightgowns?

Buongiorno.

Where's the pharmacist? Right in front
of you. No, no, you're not a man.

It's not you. I have to speak to the
pharmacist that made me fit. Fit?

You have to see a doctor in order to be
treated. I'm licensed to make up

prescriptions, but I can't diagnose
cases.

Where are they? Now, look here. What are
you doing? Are you crazy?

Oh, si, si.

Crazy for the pill.

Birth control pills. Then you must have
a doctor's prescription.

Ah, I need to have the pill to get up to
give, to give to women at night.

The large man here gives the right of
one. He sells a pill that make a wife so

happy, I gotta have again.

Pill? Oh, you molto stupido. Look, my
wife, she's young.

And last night, I've come four times to
show her that I'm a man.

Good morning.

Oh, grande amigo.

Grandioso man. What you have made of me.
An idiot, obviously.

Come back about six. I must have had
dozens of them.

The pill is available after six.

Amadeus, I want to know what's up.

Uh, nothing, Mr. Baldy.

Typical Italian ardor, that's all, sir.
Forget it.

Look, do you think I'm stupid or
something?

Yeah.

What's this special pill?

And if it's so special, why is it only
purchased when I'm closed up? Because

after sex, you meet your friends at the
local saloon. It's a cafe, ah.

Where'd you get it?

I forget.

Amadeus? Um, well, I'm not real sure it
could... Amadeus!

Okay. Since you caught me, I guess I
better... Just a minute.

I'll show you.

Here we are.

Oh, but this is that old book I got at
school.

We copied the formula for the pill and
we made up a batch. What are you saying?

You had help making them?

Yeah, Maria, Peter, Christy and I.

You haven't taken the pills? Oh, no, Mr.
Baldy. Peter and I don't take the pill.

We don't need it.

It was just that we figured that this
pill could build sales up. It could

sales up? It could build sales up.

Yes, it might. It might at that.

I'd swear this room is Elizabeth's.

Good morning.

Here, I brought you a suitcase, Maria.

Got a good night's sleep?

Yeah, what sleep I got, but frankly,
this morning I feel a little foggy.

Tell me, who put me here? And what am I
doing in your room?

Well, you got so wiped out on champagne
after dinner, I felt it best to get you

to the closest shelter, and that was
this room.

But why? Anything happen? Nothing in
particular.

Come on, I bet the doctor is waiting for
you. So hurry, I'm hungry.

What on earth happened?

I thought it was Amadeus at first, but
it was Marcus. He came in here. And

you've let him sleep with you, Maria?

Yes. but I thought it was Amadeus.
That's impossible. You can't mistake

bed with you. If I'd been sober, it
wouldn't have happened.

It's all his fault, damn it. My own
sister.

I hope I never have to set eyes on the
doctor again. I'm taking the first train

back home, and you can have it.

Did you have a nice morning walk,
doctor? Thank you. Just wonderful, and I

like a brand new man.

Have the ladies come down yet?

Both are still upstairs.

I'll get them then.

Yes? Oh, Marcus.

Where's Elizabeth?

Why ask about her, darling?

Anyway, she knows all about us.

Wait a second. Does this belong to
Elizabeth?

Yes.

Certainly looks like it's been through
an orgy. You're right, Marcus. Something

like that went on here. Oh, of course.
Yeah, I begin to understand everything.

All that bit of switching rooms was just
to have the evening with someone else.

If you see her, tell her I've gone. I
can't. She's left, too. Ah, she's

of it, at least. But she'll pay. Nobody
makes me look like a fool. Where is she?

At the station.

Thanks. But, Marcus, don't you remember
that last night you...

Good morning.

Good morning. Has the doctor from number
133 left yet?

Yes, around 15 minutes ago, but his room
wasn't 133. That room is Ambassador Van

Clopsburg's. An ambassador?

But Dr. Kerner said... Right, only there
was an unfortunate error made by the

reservation clerk yesterday.

You see, the ambassador always has 133,
and Dr.

Kerner graciously accepted another room.
Where can I find this ambassador?

Well, that's him at the bar, the man
with the mustache.

Ambassador Van Clopsburg?

Yes, can I be of assistance?

Don't you think you've already done
enough?

Amadeus, I've been thinking about what
you said about our sales by putting the

pill in production, but I really feel
that I must think again.

Conscientiously, I can't... Well, if
you've got prophylactics for sale here,

that's not immoral, then why not aid for
the impotent? It'd bring in a fortune.

We could get married. I mean, Maria and
I. No, I couldn't have heard you

correctly. You did. I've gotten lots of
rest lately, and it's given me the

courage to speak to you. I'll never
allow it.

What did you mean by saying that
recently you've had enough rest? Maria

sleep together and she keeps me awake.
What are you saying?

Amadeus. Amadeus.

What's happening out there?

Oh, they've come for the love pill, but
that has nothing to do with Maria and I.

Now, Amadeus, out of curiosity, have you
ever been in bed with a mafioso?

Now,

go on, Amadeus. Stop them. It's all your
fault for starting this whole pill bit.

It was all your brilliant idea. I'm not
guilty. Go see those Italians and find

some way to cool them off. I have enough
for all of you.

You see,

I told you we could make a fortune by
putting the pill in the market.

Amadeus, we have to patent it first.

Viva Italia!

now. I'm too tired from traveling.

You hear snoring?

Are you sure?

Gilly, gilly, stop snoring so loud, will
you?

They can hear you all the way across the
street.

Hello? Oh, yes, I feel very tired. I
should rest a while. We shouldn't take

before I recuperate. Oh, you know me. A
bit of sleep and I'll feel better. You

worry too much.

An hour, Philbert? Good. She arrived.

Well, he may as well just make it.

Stop trying to hide. The doctor says you
had to keep active.

No. Get a move on, Amadeus. Go find
Millie and tell her to fix us a supper

for a queen and to dress decently. You,
too. I think you'd better change

clothes. Nothing's wrong with my
clothes. Something's wrong with your

though, I've noticed. Now, please get
going. You're wasting time. Oh, my God,

God. Just don't let her find out what
goes on here.

just to go up to your father and tell
him straight out we want to get married.

But father insists Elizabeth get married
first because she's the eldest.

It's a very old family tradition.

Tradition? Let me talk to him and see,
Christine. No.

Come kiss me.

Only if the bad little girl begs. And
begs me with all her heart.

Kiss me. I love you.

Oh, you're just trying to change the
subject. Now, about your father.

Will you shut up and just do it?

Well, if you insist, all right. I'll
dart with your silly little nose.

along with your sexy little mouth.

Have you ever thought what pretty
children we're going to have?

Only after we're married.

You better believe it. I don't want Papa
leading you down the aisle with a

shotgun in his hand. Oh, don't worry.

After the table's set, you go up to your
room, Mellie, and put on something

decent. Lily May'd never approve.

Your skirt's too short. Bend out a bit.

No, stay there. I'm inspecting you to
see if you kept your shoes clean, like I

said.

Good. Clean enough for you to go up
there and check the light to be sure

absolutely clean. But I made sure
yesterday.

Go look again and don't argue about it.
Have to have everything in top condition

for Lily May.

There's nothing to see up here, Mr.
Baldy. Hmm.

You don't see what I do.

Well, here we are.

We made good time on the road.

Oh, Dr.

Kerner.

Don't stop me, Marie. I'm here simply to
tell Elizabeth a few things... Oh, but

Elizabeth is absolutely innocent.

Well, if you believe that, then explain
this. Give me that nightgown this

minute. No, I need it. It's my only
evidence that your precious Elizabeth is

a... No, please let me explain something
to you. First, this is Ambassador

Klapsberger. He was in Elizabeth's room
last night for a while. How do you do?

Wait.

If you were in her room, you're the one
who slept with her. No, it was

Elizabeth's room, but it wasn't...

I finally got here. Aunt Lily Mae has
never felt better.

As if anyone cared about you feeling any
better. Oh, please, tell him the truth

about what really happened. Well, it's
very difficult, you see. Oh, for

sake, what's going on? Maria, where's
your father?

Off where he can't hear us, I hope.

Are you part of the family?

Yes, I sure am. Why? I certainly hope
you don't feel particularly proud of any

of them. Stop being nasty, Marcus, and
listen to me. Last night, Elizabeth had

to put me to bed, and she left me in her
room and took the 428, whereas

Klapsberger, I mean Von Klapsberger...
The name doesn't make any difference.

see, he had room 133, and since I was
next door... That's all quite

but it doesn't really mean anything. To
you, maybe not, but to me, it does.

Maria.

You say Elizabeth was in your room, but
can you swear to it? Yes, she never set

foot in her room except to leave me to
him. Oh, wonderful evening it was. I'm

not interested in that. I've got to talk
to Elizabeth. Do you think she'll

forgive me?

I'm her Aunt Lily May, and I've already
forgiven you for it. Oh, so you're Aunt

Lily May.

The second floor. Hurry now. It's the
third door on the right.

Now, Maria, you've got to tell me
everything that's happened. I've got to

Well, you see, no first promise not to
mention it to Father Everard. Kill it

before we can say anything. We made a
pill to boost what a lot of guys like.

Maria. You must have forgotten.

After all, we promised not to tell.

That pill has changed things.

Oh, Christy. Hello, Anthony. Oh,
Christy, you haven't changed a bit. You

wonderful. Give me a big kiss. I haven't
seen you around.

Peter, I feel safe.

Oh, he's a darling.

Let me tell you all everything before
I'm a day is coming. He mustn't ever

what happened.

Who's Amadeus? Is he another one your
father hasn't found out about yet? My

lover, you see. But because this
gentleman and I... Well, it really

after we decided that Marcus was the man
to send after Elizabeth. You've got to

understand. She refuses to let a man
near her. That's only normal in your

family, isn't it?

Aunt Lily May, we invented a pill to
make guys who were impotent virile.

A potency pill? Yes. How interesting.
Does it really work? Like a charm,

an ambassador's word. But my poor lover
must never, ever know why the ambassador

was so pleased with it. Yes, I want to
start mass -producing the pill and adopt

the boy as my son. Oh, you mean you'll
simply finance the pill, but the secret

belongs to the family. But wait a
minute. Your son's in the family.

Maria. Not yet.

I talked to your father about us, and
it's all fixed. Oh, Amadeus.

I assume that this is Amadeus.

Hello there. I'm your Aunt Lily May.

Come right to our house. This is your
son.

My son?

Don't kill me until after you've heard
what I came to say. If so happens you've

mistaken doors again, please leave the
way you came in. I've been filled in

on... Your sister got it all wrong.

Is that so?

Elizabeth, I know you slept in a room on
the fourth floor, and I wasn't in room

133. Then who was?

Ambassador von Klapsberger.

An ambassador?

Why was my nightgown torn up then?

Maria wanted us to sleep together,
frankly.

She took a glass of water and put...
This potency pill in to do the trick.

kind of pill?

A potency pill.

You're saying that Klapsberger... Mm
-hmm. And little Maria?

Mm -hmm.

Oh, it's all my doing. It's my fault,
but... No more buts.

Now repeat after me. Understand?

Marcus.

Let's see how easy it is.

My dearest Filbert, you've been
absolutely blind all along. You've got

biggest ass I ever saw.

Please, must you, in front of my
children?

Children? You call these children?

They've grown up into very intelligent
adults who, through the discovery of the

potency pill, have assured our fortunes.
And I will... You sit down.

First thing, Amadeus gets adopted.

And when he becomes your son, that
pretty name can also be Maria's when

the knot.

Is that clear, Filbert?

Oh, yes. I think it has a nice sound,
Klapsberger.

And Christy gets her Peter.

Is that also clear, Filbert?

Oh, of course, Aunt Lily may. And
Elizabeth?

Marries her darling Dr.

Marcus. Is that clear, Father?

Of course. You arranged it that way. Now
that that's all settled, you can go. I

want to speak to our host all alone.

No, I'm sorry. I can't. The place is
full of people tonight.

It's too bad, Millie. I'm in real great
form. Really? I'll prove it. Let me in.

Maybe I could.

I've got an idea. You wait here, say,
half an hour.

Then go in through the kitchen door.

On the right, the door goes through to
my bedroom.

Just be quiet so no one hears you, okay?
I'll be there.

I won't disappoint you, Millie.

I can share my secret with you now. I
brought a guy home.

My own ever -loving little man came with
me, you see. Your lover?

Mm -hmm. Oh, we've been shacking up.

Oh, there's nothing improper about it,
mm?

Surprised? Oh, it took me almost 40
years to become modern. Oh, there's your

sense of virtue. Oh, that's a bunch of
crap. But getting back to the subject of

this old pill, I'd really like to try it
out for us just a... See if it's worth

investing in. Well, for the sake of
business, here, try it.

Oh, thank you, Phil, but I'm going to
try it tonight.

And if you hear the hotel trembling
later, it's just the work of Mother

An earthquake.

Yeah. Oh, there just isn't any way of
holding some woman down.

Are you certain you're not nervous about
this important speech you're giving

tonight at the meeting? Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, Mrs. Couchwarner. I'll get it

all down pat.

Excuse me.

And when the ball deep goes and they
elect me as president, then the club

be run right.

Oh, then you feel you can do it. I'm
sure I've got what it takes for somebody

run the club until immorality is
conquered and we live in fresh air. What

Oh, you mean you've learned to ring.

Come in. Don't stand outside.

Oh, no, sirree. I won't come in there
ever again. If you mean that, why did

come to the house then?

Have you got the speech? The speech you
were supposed to write for me to give on

the corruption of morals and all that. I
resign as president.

Now, let's see. Here's all the official
paper and your speech.

Oh, dear.

There's that much?

I've got everything now.

I'll manage it. If you're elected
president, you're facing difficult

the good Lord help you.

Excuse me. I wonder if you could tell me
where I can find the hotel on the

square. Yes, it's there.

What on earth was that? I thought I saw
it jump.

What jumped?

Look, the hotel is moving.

That's Aunt Lily Mae.

The pill really has an effect.

They're sure not fooling around in
there.

Maria. Yes, Father?

I hope you don't feel I've been stupid
for not seeing the truth.

Tell me, though, you and Amadeus are in
love, aren't you?

Look, Father, you haven't lost your
daughters. You've gained three sons.

But I don't know how to raise boys.

They're fully grown.

Good night, Maria. And you too, Amadeus.
Good night, Father.

And if you can, try not to be so tired
in the future.

And to both of you, I also wish good
night.

I have no other choice, I'm afraid.

Good night from us.

Tomorrow we'll talk over the ceremony.

Yeah, yeah, sure, of course.

They've been lying all along as well.

Good night, Elizabeth.

Good night, Father.

Oh, Marcus, knowing you're a man of
honor, I trust you'll be gentle with

Elizabeth. I'm a doctor, Papa.

Father? Yes? You're a darling.

Thank you.

Elizabeth, I feel I should apologize.
You never told me a lie. You're the only

one.

Millie, are you about finished with your
work tonight?

Yes, I'm just...

Good night, Mr. Baldy. Good night.

You're a mighty fine girl.

You must be rewarded.

Yes, Millie deserves a present, and I'm
just the man to give it to her if

nobody's looking.

Oh, I believe the best gift is me.

Look,

Papa's not going to his room yet. And
he's tiptoeing down the stairs. He might

be going to see Millie. Yeah, but what
for? To make Millie?

there.

Come on, honey, get undressed, quick. I
want to show you something.

Oh, Herbert, you're just great.

I am in tip -top shape tonight, baby.

Oh, you sure?

I couldn't ask for anything bigger or
better than you are.

I'm going to have you crawling the walls
tonight.

Oh, yes, don't ever stop.

Oh, yes,

don't ever stop.

That's beyond belief.

He better not scold us again.

This makes us even with him. All that
morality.

Well, let him have some fun, huh?

Are you all right?

Mm -hmm.

You sure?

I think you ought to do it again.

Hey, Millie, now what do you think?

Oh, it's great.

It's the best money here, Herbert. It's
the very worst of the whole lot.