Original subtitles

I need to be Joseph's godmother. Too late, Laura, we're done now.

Siobhan is in her second trimester.

That's great!

Why don't we talk about it as a family?

This is Samara Brennan, the influencer.

I think we should get back together.

HE CHOKES

SHE MOANS Yeah, what about your wife?

Laura. Oh, hey, lovely to meet you!

Oh. Thank you so much for seeing me.

With all that's going on in the world Right.

Oh, I love your house. Oh, thank you.

And your coffee smells lovely.

I love the smell of coffee.

But I don't like the taste of it.

I know what you're thinking, how can anyone not like coffee but...

I don't know, I just don't.

It's not an anti caffeine thing cos I love tea.

Really love tea. Sometimes I drink 12 cups a day.

In fact I'd kill for a cup right now.

No, that wasn't me asking you to make me one.

Two sugars?

THEY LAUGH I was just joking.

So do you wanna keep talking about tea or...

Yeah! Sorry, yeah, no, course.

Is that good? Just there? (MOANS) Yeah.

Slow, slow, slow, now, now, now, go.

HE GROANS Oh... Oh yeah.

HE GROANS Martin. No.

SHE GASPS

Oh my God! HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS

THEY BOTH SIGH

Well done.

Mum and Dad want to take us out for dinner tonight.

Oh, great.

What did you tell them when we split up?

Just that you thought there was a huge physical disconnect.

You loved me like a brother.

A brother that you hate.

Why did you say that? Because that's what you said.

God, that sounds awful. Well, it was awful.

I was being brutal so you didn't think I'd change my mind.

HE CHUCKLES That worked well!

Your mum must hate me.

HE SIGHS She doesn't hate you.

Well, my dad doesn't anyway.

Siobhan! What are you doing?

It's a couch to 5K pregnancy running thing.

Apparently the fitter you are in pregnancy the easier everything is.

That's a myth. You'll hear a lot of those. Just ignore them all.

What are you doing here? Can you stop doing that?

That's making me feel a bit... Sorry.

We were just wondering if we could keep Ella tonight.

No! It's our night.

We've made plans, big plans.

Ella didn't mention any plans.

They're a surprise.

Ella wants to stay with us.

She says all she ever does here when she's with you is watch Bake Off

while you're on your phone. She's manipulating you, Siobhan!

I switch my phone off during Bake Off.

Look, my sister and her kids and their new puppy are coming down.

Ella's so excited about the new puppy.

She hasn't heard the plans I've got for her. I'll get her after work.

As planned. Enjoy your... jog.

I think Father Charlie would have let me do it.

The way he was looking at me, it was like he knew, yeah.

She's godmother material.

Like he wanted to say, "Just give her the gig, for fuck's sake!"

It was my prick of a brother Patrick who was like, "It's too late."

The thing is, I was maybe five or ten minutes late.

30, tops.

But he just loves turning a little drama into a big crisis.

Must be something missing in his life.

SHE LAUGHS I was only joking but seriously.

I think Father Charlie was pissed off with him, to be honest.

I think everyone was. There was a vibe I was picking up on.

Mm-hm. So we've spent a lot of time today talking about the christening

and your brother.

Erm... Is there anything else that brought you here?

Yeah, there is something else actually.

Now that you mention it.

There's an influencer.

Samara Brennan.

What's an influencer? Great question, Doctor!

Basically it's someone with no sense of shame.

Who's paid to eat stuff, wear stuff, read stuff, probably think stuff

and they take pictures of themselves doing it.

And they've got hundreds of thousands of followers.

Hundred and thousands of followers

who go and do exactly the same thing.

It's absolutely... It's off the scale mental.

So you're here because you're worried that...

the influencer is influencing you?

She wishes!

SHE LAUGHS

You know, it doesn't matter.

Just forget I even mentioned it.

We've spent too long talking about her already.

If you've written her name down in your notes just score it out.

That's it, basically, that's me. In a nutshell.

Nothing really wrong with me,

just a few small issues with the old human condition. Who hasn't?

As you can tell, I'm an incredibly happy person.

Must get a lot of very damaged, very broken people in here.

But also a lot of really interesting people as well.

Should you not be writing this stuff down in case you forget any of it?

Well, if I did forget any of it, or even all of it,

how would that make you feel?

SHE LAUGHS

What a weird question.

Oh, I meant to say...

I like your toenail varnish.

I really like it. It looks like an expensive brand like Chanel.

So that's our time for today. What? Already?

Yeah. That flew by!

Yeah. I feel like I've taken a class A drug.

No, not that I do that kind of thing. Any more.

Ah, thank you so much!

I don't know what you've done but it's worked. You're a miracle worker.

Like God. Or was that Jesus?

Not that I believe. I wish I did.

I think it would make life, and death actually, a lot easier.

There's definitely some things, you know, we can work on.

But let's pick up on that next time. Great.

So I'm thinking maybe one or two more sessions?

Uh, just let's see how things go.

You're not getting away with it this time. Oh God.

That was absolutely fantastic. Thank you!

Right. It feels great!

Not to be judged.

Yeah.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Hello, pal!

You get your fix? Yeah.

Are you OK about everything?

I feel pretty amazing actually.

Taken control of my life. I'm steering this ship.

It's a new me you're looking at.

And you're cool about the column? I couldn't care less.

I'm glad whatshername's doing it.

Column's opinions are cheap and easy, aren't they?

Anyone can have an opinion.

Jacob Rees-Mogg, harmless, old-fashioned, eccentric.

Jacob Rees-Mogg. Cunt.

See? Easy peasy.

No, I wanna do real journalism.

I want to separate the truth from the post truth and whatnot.

So you're still pissed off about the column? Nice one.

Not at all.

You wanna do lunch later?

Yeah.

But just as friends and colleagues. To talk about fake news.

Gender politics.

It's all I'm interested in anyway.

I'm serious, Kieran. Just lunch, all right?

I'm not that woman any more. I've changed.

I've been in therapy.

Since when? This morning.

Do you think I'm reliable?

Definitely.

Trustworthy? More than me!

I need you to write me a fake reference.

You're not leaving, are you? No.

I'm going through with the puppy plan for Ella.

Ah! Picking it up later today. She doesn't know yet.

You need a reference for that? Yeah, I know, it's ludicrous.

It's cos it's hypoallergenic. Whatever the fuck that means.

Right, what do you want me to say?

That I love animals, that animals love me.

Say I'm like David Attenborough with a vagina. Just lie basically.

I hate lying, I'm rubbish at it.

Fine!

She is gorgeous!

What's her name? Declan.

Oh, sorry.

Hello, baby Declan!

I've never been so exhausted in my life.

He wants to feed every hour. My actual bones are tired.

You poor thing.

Would you hold him for a bit while I do a few bits and pieces?

I'd love to! That'd be grand. Thank you.

That's no trouble.

Hello, little fella, come over here to Auntie Alison.

Yes, look at you.

Oh, aren't you too cute for school? Look at you!

Oh, erm... Wait.

Er... Hey! Declan's mum! BABY CRIES

I thought you meant in the shop! I didn't think you were leaving!

BABY CRIES

Laura, what you working on?

Erm, a couple of hard-hitting newsy features here.

But first, how about a piece on godparenting?

I was thinking of looking at two aspects of it.

First that there should be a limit to how many one person is allowed to have.

Cos I think the child could miss out if it's one of many.

And also what are the essential qualities of the perfect godparent?

Like, money. Or connections.

Literally all people think about when picking godparents

is who's got the deepest pockets.

Access to internships, even better than money. Four people chose me.

Jesus. Free photography.

I thought I was in demand with three.

What about you, Laura, how many have you got?

Er...

There was a big mix up at the christening there.

So at the moment it's...

minus one.

Actually let's just park that idea. It's a bit shit.

No, no, no, I like it.

Godparents.

What else you got?

There's this wellness retreat in Costa Rica. Mm-hm.

And I was thinking the paper could send me and I could write about it.

The readers would love it.

I don't think our budget will stretch to that but...

I do have something closer to home.

Claire wants to do a big hit on homelessness.

Could you take that on?

Interview people, sleep out.

Raise awareness.

SHE SIGHS

I care about social issues, OK? Don't get me wrong.

I really, really, really care.

You know I do.

I just don't know if I'm in the right frame of mind for that right now.

Couldn't you just get one of the interns to do the sleep-out?

I know they're disposable but for some reason our insurers worry about them.

Plus Claire wants you to do it.

So it's not a choice.

Hey. We having wine? Actually I don't want wine.

Better keep a clear head.

I can only stay for ten minutes. I've got lunch with a contact.

Hey, was Katie telling you, had my first therapy session today.

No! Oh. Well, I did and it was amazing.

Guess what? You've dumped Martin.

You love Martin? Actually, it's going really well.

So well that we're having a big dinner with his folks.

Already? That's so...

Nice? Grown up? Normal?

Weird!

I can't get my head round the fact that you can have death fantasies about a fella one minute

and the next you're playing happy families.

I know what you mean but it's nice. Nicer than I thought.

That's what my granny said when she went into a care home.

Actually, Martin, the stupid bastard,

told his mum that the reason why I ditched him

was because I didn't love him.

It was. Only because you said I was stringing hm along.

You were.

Anyway, I need you guys to drop in.

Just to dilute the tension and big me up a bit

And if it comes up, just say it was your idea.

The break up.

We could say Laura sabotaged the relationship because she was jealous

of how happy you were, something like that? Fine.

No, we're not saying that!

How about we say it was you who sabotaged it, huh?

That work for everyone?

I wouldn't have a problem with that but no one would buy it.

You can tell just by looking at me, I don't envy people in a couple, I pity them.

Is that about Rory and Siobhan and the baby news? No.

Are you worried about not being a good mother? Why would you say that?

PHONE BLEEPS I read this thing by this expert

who said that kids benefit when their mothers fail them.

Or something like that.

Fucking prick!

Ah, it's just a contact.

Cancelling lunch.

So, yeah, I need to get Martin's mum a little pressie.

Something that says please don't hate me. Sorry I hurt your boy.

Sometimes people say things they don't mean.

But then sometimes mean things they can't say.

Maybe I had unrealistic expectations back then.

You know, life's complicated.

Something that captures all that.

BOTH: Smelly candle.

How long have you been in this situation?

About 12 years now.

And erm...

What happened? My dad died.

That's when it started.

Funny, I didn't think I liked him that much.

Suddenly just didn't know what to do with myself.

Nothing fit together any more, you know?

Think I just needed to cry.

Boys don't cry, you know?

So... just went mental.

Lost everything.

My job first.

Then the house.

Then the wife took my kids.

I don't blame her.

SHE WAILS

Sorry, love.

It's not that bad.

(CRIES) It is! It is!

I try not to think about, you know?

Put it to the back of my head but er...

SHE CRIES

You're right.

It's hellish.

It's fucking hellish.

I'm so, so sorry!

Is she OK? She'll be fine.

You need to work on your professional distance.

Yeah. I've got professional distance. All right?

It's just very, very small.

That poor man.

This life, it's so unfair. It's so unjust.

Yeah, it's a fine line and we're the lucky ones.

Sorry, hun, I can't stay and cry even if I wanted to.

I need to go and get Ella Bella.

Make her the happiest girl in the world

before she has to face all this... life.

Give her a kiss.

And take my hand. Close your eyes.

Do you trust me? Maybe.

Look out for the puddle! No, not really!

SHE LAUGHS

He's so cute! WOMAN MAKES KISSING SOUNDS

This is the best day of my life.

Who's the best puppy ever?

Tell me about yourself. Well, I'm a photographer.

What brought you here?

What made you decide you were ready for a dog?

I have always loved animals. Especially tame ones.

Have you ever owned a dog? Sure. Of course.

A while ago now. When I was growing up.

How long ago was that? Well, er...

It was when my mum left. My dad got a cocker spaniel.

A sort of replacement, though that didn't really work out.

When was that? 42 years ago.

I dealt with my mum walking out.

I think I can handle opening a can of Pedigree Chum every morning.

Do you have any other children? No.

Just one fantastic dog-loving daughter.

Husband? What the hell is this? No, I don't have a husband.

I've got something better, I've got an ex husband.

I've also got a mortgage and a career.

Great friends.

So are you gonna sell me that puppy,

the one my daughter's fallen in love with?

It's not a good match. I think you're more of a cat person.

Fine.

Plenty more dogs in the kennels. Your loss. Your puppy's loss.

Come on, sweetheart, all these dogs have got rabies like their owner.

Ella! It's OK, Mummy won't let you go with the bad lady.

I'll make it up to you, honey. I'm sorry.

It's not my fault but I'm sorry.

You could have tried harder. I did try hard!

OK, I'll find us another breeder, how about that?

I'm gonna find us another breeder right now,

one with slightly lower standards.

I just want go to Dad's and see their puppy.

New nail varnish? Yeah.

Do you think it suits me?

Yeah. The new me?

I think it probably would have suited the old you as well.

Not sure.

Listen, don't say anything to Katie about this.

But I honestly don't know what she was doing in therapy for two years.

She did have a bit of a shopping list.

I think I'm being fast tracked.

Maybe it's just that me and the therapist have clicked real quickly.

I think we might even become pals.

I don't know why you don't go to confession. It's free.

My gran knows all the local priests. It'd be awkward for everyone.

First there's the atheism.

So what about you and Marty boy?

I'm going for it, Laura. You know, he's a good lad.

I'm 38.

38. I mean, how did that happen?

I think I'm finally ready to settle down.

Just need to get his mam and dad on side.

They love you, how could they not?

Oh, thanks!

Er...

Listen, I know I haven't been a great friend over the past while,

year or so, whatever.

But I wanna say sorry. This is the new me, OK?

Post therapy and that's all over now.

Really all over, once and for all.

With Kieran.

What? You were still seeing him?

Erm... Oh, for fuck's sake, Laura!

You promised me it was all over.

Like really all over, once and for all, what, six months ago!

It was meant to be!

I mean, this is why I didn't tell you.

I didn't want you to think badly of me.

I was trying to end it! I was but it was really hard.

As wrong as it was, there was something between us.

Something real!

Yeah, his wife!

I don't understand it. What is it about him?

What has he got?

I know you're disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me.

But it was kind of like there was two Lauras.

It was like the good nice Laura and then the other one.

And, look, what I'm trying to say is she's dead now. I killed her this morning.

And it's just good nice Laura left.

I might get this as well.

No, we can't have the exact same colour. That'd be weird.

How did I know I'd find you and your daddy

at Granny and Granddad's house?

Did he not tell you? We're all moving in together.

Your mam wants to watch his fingernails grow.

And check every shite as it happens. So do you!

Where you off to? The dancing.

Three days a week. We want to keep fit and healthy.

You look tired, Laura. What have you done to your hair?

What's wrong with it? It just looks a bit lifeless.

I hope you're taking care of yourself and eating properly.

Not just working all the time.

Cos you know what they say.

All work and no play makes Auntie Laura a dull dull girl!

I don't think we've got anything to worry about there.

Actually, Mam, talking about work,

the reason I'm here is the paper's doing this big campaign

on homelessness and I'm gonna be sleeping rough tonight.

You're not doing it on your own, are you?

Yeah. Well, not exactly, there'll be charity staff.

But emotionally I'll be very much on my own.

I'm not happy about this.

I'm going to talk to your editor. Who does she think she is?

Putting my daughter's life at risk for a fecking story!

Yeah, well, I don't know if you're aware of this

but if the worst does happen tonight, God forbid...

SHE SIGHS

Apparently grief is exacerbated if there's guilt.

You know, in the mix.

Laura, if you die tonight we'll all be sad.

Sad? Will I feel guilty cos I didn't arrange another christening for you?

No. Oh, leave us the songs you want at your funeral.

All right, Patrick, that's fine.

But poor Joseph. All his godparents seemed a little uninspiring to me.

Specially that dope that thinks he's a comedian.

James? The paediatrician?

SHE SCOFFS

Well, yeah, that explains it.

You know, paediatricians are renowned for only caring about kids.

What happens when Joseph's a teenager?

I'll just kiss the baby goodbye.

Take care, love. Never mind take care.

Take the bread knife.

There we go.

I'll be back by eight, OK? Half eight at the latest.

I have just have to go do a quick favour for a friend.

She got herself into this stupid situation with an ex.

Is this cheating? I had sciatica when I was 17.

I was out of action for months.

I couldn't even bend over to put my socks on.

Oh, do you know what, you can have it.

She just threw me a dirty look.

I knew this is one of the worst ideas you've ever had.

Alison! It's lovely to see you again!

You look great!

We are delighted that you two have sorted out your wee differences.

SHE LAUGHS

Aren't we, Gerard? Over the moon!

Every couple has differences.

There are mountains to climb, peaks that can seem insurmountable-

We get the idea, Gerard. I was very nervous.

I was afraid you were gonna hate me.

So I got you a little present. Just in case.

Ah!

It says everything, doesn't it?

A warm welcome. Light after the darkness.

A love rekindled.

Yes, that's exactly why I chose that.

THEY LAUGH

Oh! Thanks.

We are just so glad to see Martin happy again.

He was a broken man after you two split up.

Hardly left his house.

Apart from for his Tinder.

We missed you, you were one of the family.

Our prodigal has returned.

Hi, Alison and Martin! Mr and Mrs Dempsey!

What a coincidence!

What are you doing here? Having a coincidence.

And I need a drink badly.

I can only stay for half an hour, tops.

I'm sleeping out tonight. Alison said you were having trouble.

Didn't realise you'd spiralled. It's for work.

So I'll just have this small glass and a first course.

I wonder if they do the beef cheek as a starter.

Just to get me through the night.

MUSIC PLAYS

The thing about myself and Kieran, which is all over, by the way,

and when I say myself I mean the bad Laura.

Not like this one, me, the real one, OK?

So what we had, as wrong as it was,

was passion.

As well as an intellectual and emotional connection.

I look at relationships like...

And they scare me.

How was your creme brulee, Ma? Shh!

Is there passion? Honestly, is there?

Or are you just resigned to live without it?

I don't really know, Laura, but what I do know is

this morning this fella made me come like a pig.

Katie, how's your little one? She's 11 now. She's fantastic.

I'm exposing her to one disappointment and let down after another at the moment,

just to help make sure she grows into a strong, resilient, interesting woman.

That is the best thing you can do for your child.

That and start the therapy fund,

which I'm gonna do tomorrow.

Most important, I try to teach her that you don't have to follow the herd.

To not following the herd!

ALL: To not following the herd.

THEY LAUGH

Actually, do you know what I'd love more than anything?

To find someone really hot and really available.

And so we'd follow the heart together.

SHE SOBS

I'm joking, I'm joking! For God's sake!

THEY LAUGH What's wrong with you?

Ok, it's not the life I imagined in my teenager diary.

Of course I thought I'd be married with 4.2 kids.

Everyone does.

But there's loads of time.

I'm not settling,

and you can always freeze your eggs as a side bet.

It's not really my cup of tea but by the way, Mr and Mrs Dempsey,

that doesn't mean we're gonna end up hanging around my nephew

when he's 17 trying to fire into his mates.

Actually it doesn't sound too bad.

Let's get married.

For real?

I don't know. You up for it?

Totally!

THEY LAUGH

THEY ALL EXCLAIM

Congratulations. Cheers, everybody!

I'm over the moon.

THEY LAUGH AND CLINK GLASSES

I'm going to go and save the world.

THEY LAUGH AND SCREAM

Think I need my bed actually.

Au revoir.

Wake up! SHE GASPS

SHE GASPS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0