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Hey, this is Redban.

Coming to you live
from Madison Square Garden

here in New York City

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it up for Tony Hinchcliffe!

New York City!

Madison Square Fucking Garden,
the greatest arena in the world.

They said we'd never be back.

Who's ready for the best
fucking night of their lives?

Make some noise for Redban, everybody!

What is up?

Oh, my God, it is going down!

New York!
How the fuck are we feeling tonight, huh?

Oh, my God. This is it.

The Mecca.

The greatest arena in the world!

The third ever Kill Tony here

and proud to say, the first ever podcast

ever, at Madison Square Garden.

And this is our third time doing it

and the first time
in an arena for Netflix, everybody.

You are here watching history happen.

What an amazing show we have for you,
and I'm just gonna jump right into it.

I'm gonna bring up tonight's guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, first guest,
one of the biggest and best in the world.

His special is on Netflix.

Multiple specials.

The youngest comedian ever
to sell out Madison Square Garden,

and he's done it twice already.

Truly one of the best in the world.

Make some fucking noise for Matt Rife,
ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Oh, yeah, they're on their fucking feet.

Multiple time guest.

One of the greatest rippers in the world.

One of the greatest comedians.

A fucking stud.

One of the homies, Matt Rife.

Your second guest, ladies and gentlemen,

one of the kings of New York,

one of my favorite human beings
here with us for the next three hours,

make some noise
for the great Mark Normand, everybody.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Comedy! Let's go.

We're going joke heavy
this episode, everyone.

We're not dusting up
old comedy mummies tonight.

We got the fucking jokesters here.

Rapid fire.

One more time, Matt Rife and Mark Normand,
ladies and gentlemen.

We're gonna have so much fun.

We have a very, very special treat,
as some of you may know.

How many of you were here
at Madison Square Garden last year?

Well, welcome back.

You guys know we have a very special thing
here called the Legends Bucket.

Last year, we got multiple sets

from some of the best comedians
in the world.

Tonight, only at MSG
do we ever bust out the Legends Bucket.

It's gonna be a blast.

Just a heads up
for the normal bucket pulls,

there's no booing during their sets.

You have to save your boos
for after their sets.

Yes, please.
For the love of God, give them a chance.

Sometimes they mention a sports team
or a city that you guys don't like.

And then that's just the end
of all of their dreams immediately.

Just give them a chance
to get to their punch line, at least,

before you destroy their souls forever.

Mark Normand, how are we feeling?

It's your city, New York City.
You're at Madison Square Garden.

Hey.

Feeling good.
This is exciting. Look at us.

A couple of hunks and Redban.

Redban wearing his big executive
producer glasses tonight.

- Look at you. Whoa!
- You're like a young Harvey Weinstein.

Sit on my lap.

- I fucking love--
- Good to be here. Thank you for having me.

Matt Rife, welcome back. You're in it.

- Not bad.
- Back home.

He was just here a couple of weeks ago.

Selling it out all on your own.

Yeah, a month ago, we were here for two
of the greatest shows in my entire life.

So New York, I love you.
I'm happy to be back, man.

- Let's have some fun.
- I love it. I love it.

The guys are happy. The ladies are happy.

The kids, the old people.

I see it all.
We're ready to start this fucking show.

Uh... Let's just jump right into it.

You guys know how it works.

Uh, comedians, if pulled out
of the normal bucket--

Legends get to
do a little longer, of course.

But the normal bucket things
stay the same.

They get pulled out of this bucket.

They get one minute uninterrupted.

You know their set is up
when you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then,

or else they bring out
the angry West Hollywood bear,

which has always been with us.

It's just a very, very loud growl.

Oh, my God, wait a second.

Wait a second.

No way!

Wait a second.

Nate Diaz, the master
of the Stockton Slap.

UFC Future Hall of Famer.

One of the kings of California, Nate Diaz.

If bucket pulls go over their minute,

they get slapped across the face
by Nate Diaz tonight.

Nate, step up to that mic.

How does it make you feel when
comedians go over their allotted time?

When it's time to go,
get the fuck off the stage.

Let's go.

Let's fucking go.

One more time for Nate Diaz.

We're gonna do this shit tonight.

Yeah!

These bucket pulls better
respect their allotted time.

Why don't we bring up
a Hall of Famer to do a minute?

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is David Lucas, everybody.

Oh, shit!

The roast man himself.

David Lucas.

Yeah.

I love being Black because

Black people don't tolerate shit.
Like, Black people don't like gay people.

The only exception is if it's Tyler Perry,

or the choir director, you know.

Like, Black people
don't like trans people, they don't.

And the reason Black people
don't like trans people

is because Black people hate magic.

You ever seen somebody
do a magic trick on a nigga?

They take off running. They don't get it.

They think it's evil.

Like you will never see
a Black magician, bro, ever,

because we think it's the fucking devil.

But my friend did send me
one Black magician

on Twitter the other day,
and this motherfucker

was the most nigger-ish magician
I've ever seen.

This motherfucker turned a dove
into a spicy chicken sandwich.

I'm like, "That's Black magic."

All right, thank you all.

Hell yeah.

That's hilarious.

Hell yeah, Tony.

Spicy chicken.

I know you're horny as hell
sitting next to Matt Rife.

- Oh, my God.
- Tony pussy wet as hell.

I mean, it is.

This... This is adorable.

You're the world's largest
olive right now, David.

And you are the world's
gayest lesbian right now.

- Nigga, get the fuck up!
- Oh...

- Oh, my God
- I like it, Tony. You got on blue.

What's it like being at a garden?

And I know you normally avoid those
'cause you hate vegetables and fruits.

He thought it was Olive Garden.

Mark Normand. You look like a puppy
waiting to get adopted.

Bitch, shut your ass!

That motherfucker look like
a shelter dog, nigga.

Let me talk in your language.

With the green, you look like Shrek.

I like the dreads, Blob Marley.

Blob Marley.

- All right, that's enough, motherfucker.
- Let's go!

Y'all niggas coming
for my neck tonight, nigga.

Y'all coming
for the neck I ain't got, huh? Bitch.

Fuck you! Fuck you, Matt Rife

- and Tony. Fuck you.
- What did I do?

I don't know. You look like
a love child from Ellen DeGeneres.

Okay, Karl-Anthony Pounds.

Ah!

We call you Ellen the Genderless, nigga.

You're wearing the tent you sleep in.

You look like a sexual
harassment-proof woman.

Nigga, your ass--

That motherfucker ain't got no pussy.

It's just like one of them Barbie dolls.

It's just flat nigga.

Look at that nigga.
Team Edward-looking ass. Boy, your ass.

Twilight, the TV show on tube,
you nigga. Your ass...

Mark Normand. Fuck you, bitch!

- Wow.
- What about you?

Those pants, you put the--
You put the mo in camo.

I don't even got a joke

against your motherfucking
38 days sober looking ass.

Abusive stepdaddy.

You don't know your dad.

I do know my dad. He's cremated
living in my garage right now.

That's the truth. He's in a Nike shoebox.

Oh, my God.

David is on fire.

Even your dad's ashy.

Don't put that shit on Netflix.
That's racist.

- Put it on there.
- Comedy.

David, what do you like to do
when you're in New York City?

We very rarely get to make it up here.
You live in Texas.

But you're in Cali a lot.

I like to eat pizza.

- Wow.
- Pizza's good up here, bro.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Why do you think it is that New York can
master pizza and everyone else struggles?

You are our senior carbohydrate--

All the immigrants.

When they was coming from Europe and shit,
they landed in New York.

- That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.
- Wow, that's a little--

Welcome to Black history
with David Lucas, everybody.

Man, these motherfuckers come over.

That's how we got the Statue of Liberty.

Ain't that how we got
the Statue of Liberty?

Wasn't it in, like, a trade or some shit?

How did we get--
It was a present from France, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, but that ain't Italian.

Shit. I don't know how we got pizza.
You got me beat.

Yeah, that's just-- I don't know, nigga.

I don't know
why New York is so good at pizza.

But Mexicans make it,
that's the crazy part.

Not for long.

He's joking.

Can I get some more ice?

This nigga Mark Normand crazy.

David Lucas's Netflix debut.

- Netflix debut. Hell yeah.
- Normally on TLC.

Lift your arm up again.

My 600-lb Life.

Matt Rife put his microphone down.
Thank God.

That nigga itching
to put on a Tony Robbins headset.

I love it.

Speaking of Robbins, what else
are you doing while you're in New York?

I'm chilling, bro.
I ain't doing shit, bro.

Shout out to Netflix,
they don't put a nigga on TV.

I'm so late, but David wears
a Baskin Robbins headset.

So late.

Would you ever--

- Sorry.
- It's all right.

Man, get your albino Avatar-looking ass
up out of here, man.

What the fuck wrong with you?

What do you eat for breakfast?

Nothing.

- Okay. No one believes that.
- I don't eat breakfast.

I make up the calories at lunch.

- Froot Loops?
- Huh?

Froot Loops?

No, I ain't ate cereal in a long time.

It's not Ozempic.

David so much fun, man.

- Hell yeah. Appreciate it, man.
- The legend of the show, David Lucas.

One of the greatest. Not one of.

Probably truly the greatest golden ticket
winner in the history of the show.

He's proven himself so many damn times.

The most used Golden Ticket winner,
the most cash-ins ever.

And it's almost always
at the top of an episode.

This guy knows how to get a party
started better than anybody.

This is a minute uninterrupted
from the great Martin Phillips, everybody.

Here we go. Here we go.

Hey.

Hey. Cool.

What's going on? What's up?

Say...

Cool. Um...

Uh, Jesus was a carpenter.

So do you think,
when he was carrying the cross,

he was like,
"Who built this piece of shit?"

"I have to die on poor craftsmanship."

"It's like getting splinters, 'cause they
didn't even sand this, you know."

Anyway, I see these videos online
of dudes masturbating and all.

I can never watch it, because I'd be like,

"Bro's doing it all wrong," you know.

"This guy does it weird," you know.

And they show the video
from the neck down.

But I feel like if it was me,
people would still know it was me.

You know what I'm saying?

You can't blur my face.

You have to blur my entire body, you know.
And it's...

Okay. Cool. Okay.

Martin Phillips.

I love it. Martin, you're doing it.

Yeah, yeah.

How do you feel, buddy?

Good. It's a good night.

Is that a special store you have to go to
to get a shirt like that?

Nice shirt. Yes. Nice shirt.

Is this your first time
wearing those suits, you know?

Oh, well, actually, it's not.

I wore a suit last time
I was at Madison Square Garden.

Oh, I forgot.

It's a special event.

- Don't look it up.
- Okay.

- I got it now. Yeah.
- Got it.

I had nothing to do with that.

- I had no idea.
- That's right.

- Not involved.
- Absolutely.

Martin, how do you feel?
You're at Madison Square Garden right now.

I feel good. Yeah.

Yeah, it's cool, you know.

I know this is for Netflix.

You know what?

I have a few TV show and movie ideas...

- Oh, great.
- ...I would like to pitch.

No better time.

Netflix execs
all in these suites all around us.

- Go right ahead.
- Okay. Here's the TV show.

Without an explanation,

this guy wakes up and he's Adolf Hitler.

And at first, it's pretty jarring,

but then he comes to terms

and decides to do the opposite
and do positives,

and I call it "Good Hitler."

We're getting worried.
You hear that noise?

That means they have already approved it.

You can catch Good Hitler
later this year on Netflix.

Mark Normand.

I know you're pitching to Netflix,

but I feel like you'd be
more suited for Twitch.

I saw him earlier eating a Chick Shack.

But, um, you know... All right.

He definitely can't Hulu hoop.

Hulu...

Oh, nothing. Great. I'm bombing.

Okay, great.

I love it.

Well, you got any other pitches
for Netflix? This is your big chance.

Okay. Here is a movie idea. Okay?

So, the world is ending,

and there was, like,
this top government official.

He goes out with this girl,
and one of his friends was like,

"Hey, her ass is out of this world."

And at first he's like, "It's okay."

But then he sleeps with her
and he sees her ass,

and it's like a blinding light,

because it's a portal
to another dimension.

So the world has to go

through her ass to be saved,

and she sacrifices herself
for the common good.

And... But at the end--

Let me finish. Let me finish. All right.

At the end, with the guy,
before he goes in--

They love it. Netflix just picked it up.

Unbelievable. No, go ahead and finish.

Well, anyway, before he goes in her ass,

he goes, "You're out of this world."

And it's called "Out of This World."

Wow! Hit it again.

That is approved. Straight to print.

Mark Normand.

That was longer than The Irishman.

- But better. But better, right? Better.
- That's true.

Martin, is there anything fun
you like to do in New York City?

- Anywhere you like to waddle to?
- You know what?

I love to see a good Broadway show.
You know?

- Ooh. Okay.
- Yeah. yeah.

- All right.
- Yeah.

What are you seeing?

Tomorrow, I'm seeing this thing,

it's called Operation Mincemeat,
and Nazis are in it.

So it's perfect for my interest, I guess.

- Yeah.
- Wow! Very interesting.

- Yeah.
- Very interesting.

I love it.

Thank you so much.
That's the way to do it.

All right. This is it.

Bucket pull number one.

Here we go. Zabrina Douglas.

Zabrina.

Whoo!

What's up, New York City?

Whoo!

I'm excited to be here.

Why? Because I have kids.

They're so annoying.

Like, I'm literally not a comedian.

I just needed an excuse
to leave the house.

I was like, "Mama's got to go
to Madison Square Gardens."

"There's some white people,
they want to know about our lives."

"They want to know about
Brampton Black people."

"I'm the only one left."

In Canada. That's cool.

Uh... I have another job, obviously.

I hate working. I have five kids.

That's why I hate it.

You hate that I have five kids?

Why do I have five kids, you ask?

Canadian maternity leave is so addictive.

One year off with pay. I couldn't stop.

Then the kids start talking.

You're like, "Oh, my God,
it was never worth the money."

"Why are you still living in the house?"

- All right.
- All right.

- Zabrina Douglas, I'm gonna save you here.
- Oh!

I don't know how you got Redban's glasses
over there, but that's incredible.

Hi, Zabrina.

- Hey. How are you, Tony?
- Great.

I love you.

And you and you on The View.

I'm pretty sure
there's three of you on there.

It's fantastic to meet you.
I know that's shot here in New York.

How long you been doing standup?

Been doing it on and off for 15 years.

Fifteen years.

All of it here in New York City?

No, I'm from Canada.

Oh, no.

I will allow you to boo
as loud as you want,

Madison Square Garden.

Oh!

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Canadian.

You said
there's no Black people in Canada.

- But Trudeau--
- Brown people.

- I'm the only one left.
- Oh. Really?

Justin Trudeau is brown once a year.

Yeah.

- Uh... He doesn't count.
- All right.

Yeah.

Absolutely amazing.

- What do you do for work up in Canada?
- I'm a nurse.

Oh, a Canadian nurse. Wow!

Free healthcare up there.

How's that working out for everybody?

Uh... Not good. I do this for a living...

- Right.
- ...so you can imagine how it's going.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Uh, where in Canada exactly are you?

I'm from Brampton.

It's like 45 minutes away from Toronto.

Okay. Are there a lot of...

Ooh! People specifically don't like
Brampton, Ontario, Canada.

New Yorkers, they're just like,
"I've never heard of it. Boo!"

"That ain't one of the boroughs. Boo."

"I bet their pizza sucks."

"I bet they don't even
like blow jobs there."

Oh, no.

"All Brampton, no blow job."

"Canada can go fuck itself."

Russell Peters' from there.

Oh, okay.

Nobody likes Russell Peters?

All right?

I don't like him either.

All right, all right.

What do you do for fun?

Well, I have my kids,
so I spend most of the time with my kids.

We hang out. We went to Coney Island.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, wow!

This crowd is ruthless.

Yeah, they don't like it.

Your kids are gonna see you
on Netflix, though. That's cool.

Oh, no, this is not on Netflix, is it?

Yeah.

Oh, shit.

What'd you think this was, BET?

Look at those out there.

- What's BET? I'm from Brampton.
- Oh, right, right.

She would be on BET Plus.

Right, right.

Amazing. Well, it is true.

You, uh... You did do...

You did that set.

Yeah, I did.

That's the one that you went with.

I know. My one minute. I tried.

You watch the show?
You understand what you signed up for?

Yeah, of course.

A very courageous move,
especially for a Canadian.

Here's a little joke book.
We're gonna keep it moving along.

- Ah!
- Oh, you almost had it.

The Canadian athleticism
of Zabrina Douglas, everybody.

You don't really hear much of them
during the Olympics or anything.

Canada. A very weak country.

I mean, it's just unbelievable.

Luckily, we will always protect them.

Even if they boo our national anthem
at a hockey game, we will protect them.

Remember that, Canada. It's...

Your fate is in our hands.

Make some noise for the Netflix debut
and the long awaited return...

Sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim.

Hey. Good to be in New York.

I went to one of your protests
that you guys do here every weekend.

Yeah, I drove right through it.

Yeah, they were blocking the highway,

fucking wearing orange vests
and hard hats, mixing concrete.

I was like, "Fuck Palestine!"

I did something a feminist could
never do today. I came.

Every time a man comes, the feminist
armpit hair gets a little bit longer.

But yeah, I love how Black people

will charge their phone anywhere
but inside their homes.

"My battery's getting low.
Time to go out."

Yeah, other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.

There's the cat.

Thank you guys so much.

Hans Kim. Coming in strong.

Great jokes, Hanzee boy.

Thank you, Tony.

- Amazing.
- That was awesome.

I really appreciate that.

I love you.

I love you, too, buddy.

How you feeling?

I feel great. My sex life is amazing.

Okay.

Let's talk about it. What do you mean?

I've recently started calling
my girlfriend "mommy" in bed.

Ooh!

That's kind of a new thing. I'm...
It's kind of progressive.

I'm sure Matt knows a lot about that. Sex.

Sex talk.

You're assuming
because he's a great-looking guy

that he knows all about sex?

Yeah, sometimes I pretend I'm Matt Rife
when I'm in bed.

Oh!

- What do you do?
- You're Matt Life.

I sell insurance in bed, um...

I just ask him
to do some crowd work on my girl,

I guess, when I'm in bed.

A'ight.

But other than that, you know,
I went to a Crif Dog today.

It was just hot dogs.
I thought it was actual dogs.

But other than that,
I'm doing pretty good.

I love it, Hans. Fantastic.

That's great.

You love New York, huh?

Yeah. New York, New York.

Uh...

Yeah. This is a great city,

uh, if you want to live in a van,
do open mic comedy.

I did that for a couple of years here.

It was great. The people are amazing.

The subway stations could use some work.

Yeah, this is a great city,
and you guys are doing great.

Keep it up.

Look at that. Hans Kim
playing right into the crowd.

You must love it here.
You have your own town.

- Chinatown.
- Yeah.

Do you visit Chinatown?

Do you just go there and party hard?

Yeah. I feel like a white person there.

- What are you?
- Uh, Korean.

- South Korean.
- Oh, shit.

My bad. A real Squid Game.

Okay.

You're doing great.
I wish you could see this.

You can open your eyes.

Yeah.

That's the biggest my eyes
have ever looked over there.

That's true.

There is a big giant screen
with your eyes kind of open.

You look like you're in round 11
of a boxing match on those.

It is incredible.

Uh...

It's fun. Everyone's wearing
this olive green tonight.

What is-- What's going on?
What made you go green tonight, Hans?

I'm just going for, like,
the New York comedian look.

You know, simple. Just solid colors.

Just like, you know,
"I'm ugly" kind of look.

Yeah. Playing right into it.

What made you start calling
your girlfriend "Mommy" in bed?

Uh... Just, like, my issues.

Uh-huh.

Just, like,
"Please, can I have sex with you, Mommy?"

So you're into Asian girls?

Kim Jong-Il.

It's just like a power thing, I think.

I want to fuck someone
more powerful than me or something.

I'm right here.

I would love to, Matt.

You guys. You guys.

Hans, such a great set.
Such a great interview.

He's so half autistic and Asian
that he answers everything so honestly.

It's incredible.

You are truly one of the great regulars
of the show's history.

Thank you so much, Hans Kim.

We're going to keep it moving along.

The great Hans Kim, everyone.

You know what? I feel like it's time
to go to the Legends Bucket.

What do you guys think, huh?

Legend Bucket, pull number one.

Okay, this is very exciting.

This guy did both shows last year
here at Madison Square Garden.

Both shows,
he ripped the roof off the joint.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you

this is truly one of the best
comedians in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the true New York greats,

make some noise
for the Madison Square Garden return

of Jim Norton.

Oh, my God.

Thank you very much. That's very nice.

I... I liked Hulk Hogan.

And I said that to somebody.

And they're like,
"You know, he was a racist."

and I'm like,
well, how do I tell them that

that's why I liked Hulk Hogan.

I was watching a debate
today on Instagram.

It was about the Air India plane crash
where everybody died,

but the guy in Seat 11 A
walked away unscathed.

So the debate was, would you want to be
the sole survivor of a plane crash?

And so many people said no.

Because of the survivor's guilt,
they couldn't handle it.

And I thought,
"Maybe I'm just a bad person."

But I root for that to happen
every time I fly.

I want the plane to crash.
I want to walk away uninjured.

I'll have a great story.

The only lawsuit.

Sure, I'd miss my wife.

Because in the fantasy,
she's in the seat next to me.

The last thing I see is her screaming
in the burning fuselage

as I moonwalk into my new life.

My wife, by the way,
my wife is obsessed with ChatGPT.

I know a lot of people are using AI.
It's an obsession.

I walked in the other day, she had made
an omelet and she's talking to ChatGPT.

And she says, "I'm thinking
of adding a little cheese and bacon."

And ChatGPT says, "Sounds fun."

So she adds the cheese and bacon.

And then she takes a picture of the omelet
and sends it to ChatGPT

and says, "I'm thinking of adding
a little basil." and ChatGPT responds,

"Wow, you really turned your kitchen
into a French bistro."

I love ChatGPT so much.

I love it because it saves me
from having to have

these awful conversations with my wife.

I almost feel bad for that
poor computer program.

Like, you have no idea
the redundant banality you're in for.

Keep your eye on the news
on the East Side of Manhattan.

Within a year, you're going to hear about
a laptop throwing itself off a terrace.

And there's a lot of talk about
is AI sentient?

Is it self-aware? Is it alive?

Maybe someday it will be,
but it's definitely not now.

And I know it's not now
because of how it responds to my wife.

It responds to her the way a programmer

would tell a computer
to talk to a boring person.

"Sound fun." Like, I'll know it's
somewhat self-aware if she's talking to it

and it sent her a vomit emoji.

Then I'd go, "All right, it's waking up."

And I'll know it's completely alive
if she ever walks in and goes,

"I sent a picture of my omelet to ChatGPT
and it said, 'Kill yourself.'"

And ChatGPT takes--
It's taking a lot of jobs and like,

will it ever take over comedy?
Can it do comedy?

It can structure jokes,
and it can write jokes.

But it has no real
experience to draw from.

So I don't think
it will ever be truly funny.

Like it doesn't understand shame at all,
which is helpful in standup.

To understand shame, like,
ChatGPT has never lost an erection.

It's never sat there
with an attractive woman going,

"No, I like you, but I'm on medication."

It doesn't hate itself so much.

It's never gone down
a cuck porn rabbit hole.

Although I don't know what cuck porn
would be for ChatGPT.

Maybe it rubs its wires together
and fantasizes about his wife

being fucked by a quantum processor.

I was in-- I watch a lot of porn
on the road just because I'm married.

I'm very trying not to cheat. Uh...

I was in Texas.

Do you know, to watch porn in Texas,
you have to upload your driver's license

because they want your identity verified,

which is very funny that that state
they babble so much about

"We don't want the government
telling us what to do,

and we don't want
government interference."

But I want to masturbate
and they're like, "DMV documentation."

And I just can't do it.

I'm like I can't send in my driver's
license to whack off into my belly button.

I just, I can't.

It's too lonely.

I mean, I did,

but it was a three day trip, you know?

I mean, if it was an airport layover,
I would have stood tall for the cause.

But three days?
Who am I, fucking Joan of Arc?

And you feel very lonely
when you do something like that,

and they tell you
once you're into the site.

Like, they let you get into the site,
peruse a little bit

and then you hit the thumbnail
that you want to settle into,

and then you click it and then they go,

"Oh, send in your driver's license."
Which just really sucks.

Because now you get to pick up
your license with your left hand

and pull it out of my wallet with my teeth

because this has got baby oil on
and he was ready to go to work.

And it's hard enough to take a photo
of your license with two hands on a table.

Try doing naked in a Courtyard Marriott.

My fucking fat stomach.

I'm trying not to get
my helmet in the picture.

I should have just let my dick
be in the picture and then sent it in.

"Look what you made me do."

All right. Thank you very much.
I appreciate you.

- Jim Norton...
- Thank you for having me.

...has done it again.

- Thank you, Tony.
- You are the man, Jim.

- Thank you.
- It is absolutely incredible.

I'm gonna rip the roof
off this fucking joint.

One of the kings of New York City.

It's an honor to have you here.

Thank you for having me
and Redban, those glasses,

you should be filming porn
in Boogie Nights.

I love those fucking glasses.

Stop.

- Thanks, Tony. I appreciate it.
- We love you, Jim.

- Thank you, guys.
- Your first legend of the night.

His special Unconceivable.

How awesome is that?

And let's keep it moving
right along into our second

actual bucket pull of the evening.
Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

Make some noise
for Allison Perski, everybody.

Allison Perski.

One more time for Allison,
everybody, come on.

Hi. How are you?

All right, so I have two young kids,
and they're always fighting.

So sometimes when I feel like
I just can't take anymore,

I like to think back to that
magical night that they were conceived

and wish I chose anal instead.

So I'm potty training
my little one at night

so he could potty train me during the day.

I feel so bad for my husband.

Between my two boys
who don't know how to aim

and me, who doesn't believe in Kegels,

there's piss everywhere.

My husband walks into Penn Station,

he sniffs around, and he's like...
...home sweet home.

So I've been with my husband for 16 years
and thank you very much.

And people like to know.

They like to ask me, "What's the secret
to a long term relationship?"

And I tell them you have to be
the people you were when you first met.

So that's why we're back on drugs.

Thank you.

Boom. Allison Perski.

Welcome, Allison.
Grab that microphone again.

How long you been doing standup?

- Four years.
- Four years.

All of it here in New York City?

Yeah, I live in Long Island.
I don't get out to the city as much.

Nice.

I love it. Amazing. Great set.

Thank you.

- How old are the kids?
- Uh, seven and eleven.

Seven and eleven.

- Wow. I love it.
- Seven and eleven.

Indian husband?

For one of them.

I love it.

So the kids are kids.

How long you been with your man?

Uh, well, married, 15 years.
Together, like 21.

Wow! How do you keep things
exciting in the bedroom?

Oh, God, I don't know.

Like I still give blow jobs.

Nice.

Hell yeah.

That's the biggest applause break
all night here at Madison Square Garden.

Let the record show
that New York City knows

how to make some fucking noise
for blow jobs, everybody.

That's the sound
of Tom Segura breaking his arm.

Often--

Often confused for a man
getting a blow job.

One more time with the Segura.

This is Tom.

Yeah.

Jim Norton's wife is trans,
so he also still gives blow jobs.

Is she really?

- Yeah.
- What?

- Yeah!
- You didn't know that?

- No. That changes everything.
- Oh, yeah.

This is her. No.

- I'm sorry.
- It's they/them.

This is Bulk Hogan.

Allison Perski.

What do you do for work?

I actually work at a Chabad.

It's a Jewish school.

Wow.

What exactly do you do
at the Jewish school?

I'm, like, a sub coordinator
when people call out, I-- I'm the sub,

and then I arrange the subs.

Nothing interesting.

You get them on the trains.

All right, I'm sorry.

- What are we doing?
- I also do work at a summer camp.

- Oh, hey!
- Wow!

- Hands in hands.
- Good for concentration.

Yeah.

It's hot in there.

Now we're cooking with gas.

Hell yeah.

What are you doing here on a Saturday?

That's fucked up.

And you're Jewish as well, right?

- I am, yeah.
- Of course.

Are there any non-Jewish teachers
at that school?

Yeah, there are.
There's some Spanish teachers.

There's a Muslim.

Whoa! What does the Muslim teach?

Not that.

We have a regular curriculum too.

It doesn't teach women's driving?

I love it. Allison,
what do you like to do for fun?

Um...

I try to get out for comedy,
but it's hard with the kids.

- So...
- Yeah. Yeah.

Anything crazy about your kids,
they autistic or anything?

Just ADHD like everyone else.

Perfect. Everything is right on schedule.

Did you, uh... you know...

- Of course.
- Oh, there you go.

Following the Jewish tradition.

Yeah.

And it's gross if you're not.

No offense.

No offense.

It's just dirty.

It's a little dirtier.

I don't know.

I haven't been with one of those.

Wow.

This is incredible.

Am I done?

No. No.

At that school, you are.

That's fucked up.

This is great, Allison.

This is what the show is all about.

A four-year comedy vet

- that's talking about your real life.
- I appreciate that.

You came out,
you took the ball and ran with it.

Made the most of the opportunity.

It's what people dream of.

You waited out in the sunshine for hours.

These sign ups
have been here since 3:00 p.m.

Allison Perski,
you're the first person tonight

to leave here with a big joke book.

Congratulations.

It's that easy.

Make it look easy.

It's a minute.

Allison Perski caught it.

The iron dome catches everything.

Dreams really do come true here.

And your next comedian,

his dreams came true on this show as well.

He went from being on one time,
winning a golden ticket.

Howie Mandel saw it happen

and put him on America's Got Talent.

He made it all the way to the finals
of America's Got Talent.

He's a touring comedian superstar.

Now, this is his
Madison Square Garden/Netflix debut.

This is the return

of longtime Golden Ticket winner
Ahren Belisle, everybody.

The great Ahren Belisle.

One more time for Ahren Belisle.

Everyone is
accusing me of faking my disability.

So I got this headset
to prove I can't talk.

This is what happens
when your dad does ketamine

and your mom is a dinosaur.

Everybody thinks I'm infertile,

so I never have to pull out.

Most people don't even believe
that I fuck.

I was out with a girl I'm dating

and some old lady said,

"You must be his sister."

"Oh, God, you're telling me this now?"

"I've been hitting it raw for weeks."

Norm, I was stuck.

Almost lost survival of the fittest
to a bathtub though.

I was stuck in my hotel tub

and had to call the front desk guy
to rescue me.

And I was panic-flaccid.

Normal flaccid is a couple inches.

Panic-flaccid is like a clitoris
resting on your balls.

And I couldn't let this hotel clerk
think he's better than me.

So I started cranking one out real quick.

American Eagle still refused to hire me
to do an ad

because I have shitty genes.

I could never be a Nazi.

Ahren Belisle, ladies and gentlemen.

It is true.

Everything you said was true.

I was wondering, I actually...

A fun fact... A little behind the scenes
of Kill Tony

was, uh, I got word, you know,

they're always checking the budget
and whatnot.

Somebody goes,
"Tony, just to let you know,

Ahren Belisle requested,

it's, like, $250 for a headset."

And I'm literally like,

"What the fuck could this guy
possibly want a headset for?"

And sure enough, I mean,

absolutely just burning money
for no reason.

Just so that you could say
you're wearing a headset.

It's just a prop.

It didn't have to be a real headset.

That's a legit headset.

I paid for that.

Whatever you're typing,
better be a fucking apology, right now.

I'm sorry if you can't afford it.

Oh, it's okay. It's all right.

It's okay.

Give me your handicapped placard.

I want better parking.

That's what I want.
I don't want your money.

I want your parking spot.

Ahren, how do you feel?

You just fucking ripped
the roof off of the Garden.

Unbelievable.

Could be better.

I've only been in Madison Square Garden

twice in my three-year career.

Yeah.

You're living the dream, buddy.

Oh, he's got something.

He looked at Redban there,
that did not look good.

Redban. Redban's about to get lit up.

Uh-oh!

I joined OnlyFans.

I do inspiration porn.

Inspiration porn...

For $5, I will open a pickle jar.

For $10, I go outside without a helmet.

For $20, I'll fuck a closeted Republican.

Uh-oh. He's got more.

- Uh-oh.
- Comedy.

Wow! Look at that!

Amazing.

This guy's great, but proves it.

AI has taken over.

We're done.

Wow, you're the funniest
retard I've ever seen.

You really have Mark Normand's
voice in there ready to rip.

That was so good.

You look like me
with fetal alcohol syndrome.

Keep going.

Hey, man, I need a lot of work.

Can you recommend me
to your plastic surgeon?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I don't like when you get a good one,
'cause I love your laugh.

It sounds like somebody's
scooting a desk across some hardwood.

Funny and handsome.

I'd say you're a drool threat.

And I don't think
it's a plastic surgeon you need.

Is that panties?

- Whoa!
- What the hell?

Oh, my goodness.

Did you steal those out of my greenroom?

Did you fuck Heidi?

Meet, run, and Heidi.

You can't finger with the left.

Uh-oh.

Darling, hold my hand.

Yes, I can.

Uh-oh.

It just hurts.

It just hurts.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hell, yeah.
- All right.

Shrugged it off.

Comedy.

Ahren Belisle,
anything else you want to say

before we keep it moving along here?

You crushed tonight.

- Just like people--
- No.

No? All right.

There he goes.

Ladies and gentlemen,
that's how you do it.

The great Ahren Belisle, everybody.

On to the next one.

Uh... Oh! Perfect.

Proof yet again that he's not faking it.

Hell yeah.

We're having fun here.

Bucket pull number three.

We have one big joke book
already out tonight,

which is 50%.

Ain't bad for these arena shows.

How many of you watch
every episode of Kill Tony?

Then you know.

All right, your third
bucket pull of the night.

Making dreams come true
at Madison Square Garden.

Make some noise for Jim Martin, everybody.

Jim Martin.

So I was getting fucked by this Black guy...

...and he really wanted me
to say the N word.

Like, he got off

on me sounding super racist.

So let's just say

I gave him a hard R

and he gave me a hard D.

I actually said it

so many times.

I said it so many times

that I caught myself halfway through,

like, I never thought I would say a hard R

directly to a Black person

this many times.

Maybe a couple of times.

But not this many times.

I said it so many times,

I'm not even racist anymore.

Except Chinese people.

But I'm still working on that.

I hate Pride Month.

I don't suck dick
because I have pride in sucking dick.

Yeah, we're gonna stop you.

We're gonna stop you
before Nate Diaz comes up here

and knocks your head

into the other fucking...
into the other borough.

Holy shit.

All right, Jim Martin.

Let's start with Mark Normand here.

Well, I just got to say,
thank you, Jeffrey Bummer.

A very creepy set.

Have you worked that out before?

Yeah, I did it in an all-Black room,
I did that.

And I got laughs.

Yeah.

Okay.

Your face did.

- An all-Black room.
- Yeah.

And it got laughs.

And you did that.

And what did they do
when you were walking outside?

Nothing?

No one said anything to you?

Uh, well, the set...

I made fun of more people,

sort of like, made fun
of all kinds of groups.

Yeah--

It wasn't just the one thing.

The set needs to be gayer than racist.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

For sure.

Jim, how long you been doing
stand-up comedy?

I started in 2015,
but I haven't done it that many times.

2015...

And the boos in the room
are growing, everybody.

I don't know if it's translating
to your in-home screens,

but there has just been a constant murmur
since you got up here.

Uh, what's a redeeming quality?

Win over the people of New York City.

Is this where you live?

No, I live in Doylestown, Pennsylvania.

Oh, boy!

That's the wrong answer.

Let me help you out here.

Let's get the crowd on your side.

What do you do for a living?

Uh... Currently unemployed.

Oh...

A non-contributor to society.

A non-tax-paying member
of the American government.

Unbelievable.

Jim, I'm trying to save you here.

Is there something
you can say to this crowd

that will definitely
get them on your side?

I'm really good at karaoke.

- No!
- Oh, no.

That's worse than being racist.

You're gonna have to suck off
D-Madness or something.

Yeah.

You can't say that
you hate Chinese people,

and you're good at karaoke
in the same night, by the way.

It's either one or the other.

He only sings N.W.A.

All right, let's try again.

Get these people on your side.

Everybody in the Garden
is against you right now.

Say something.

Uh... I've been going to the same
writing group for nine years.

Oh, boo!

Now I'm with them. Boo!

Gayer than karaoke.

The lights are changing.

Everything's going crazy here.

You're breaking the set, Jim.

My God, what was the last job you had
before you were unemployed?

I did the census.

Oh...

My God.

Are you close with your mother?

Uh, yeah.

Okay.

Oh, they don't even like that.

They don't like moms here tonight.

How about blow jobs?

Do you like blow jobs?

Yes.

Amazing.

That's the loophole here.

On this night,
we have gathered 18,000 people

that agree on one thing
and one thing only.

And that, my friend, is blow jobs.

This is Kill Tony.

We've been labeled a lot of things.
We've been labeled, you know, racist.

We've been labeled hacky,
but all we love are blow jobs.

That's all.

That's the true American dream.

All right. Come on.
Let's give it one more chance here.

I kind of spoon-fed you that one.
Say one more thing.

Maybe an accomplishment from your life
or something you're really good at.

Or, you know, something
that'll make this crowd love you.

I started a comedy literary journal
that I edit and publish.

Oh, man!

Holy shit.

It feels like they're so close
to calling him the N word after all this.

Yeah. The irony of the minute that you did

is they... I think they want
to call you the N word

and fuck you in the ass at the same time.

I won't let it happen. I'll get you out.

Here's the smallest joke book
we have out of the whole bunch.

You earned it, Jim Martin. There he goes.

Mike back in the mike stand, Jim Martin.

And without a doubt,
in order to cleanse this room,

ladies and gentlemen, I'm going
to the Legends Bucket, everybody.

And well, well, well...

How lucky are we?

Who better to go after Jim Martin

than the man that I truly believe
is the best comedian in the world?

I present to you your favorite comedian's
favorite comedian, the true...

The true, in my opinion, king of New York...

Ladies and gentlemen, the GOAT...

Dave Attell!

Thank you very much, everybody.

Got some big shoes to fill.

Hey, you know what?
Give it up for the last guy.

Guys, huh, come on. No, really.

It's not every day...

It's not every day
you get to meet the next mayor.

Now...

Here we are.

And you guys are crushing it.

The last guy, he took it, didn't he?

Yeah, well, I'm going
to use the N word too.

Is that okay, Tony?

Newark Airport doesn't work, all right?

Any one of you who flew in here,
you ain't getting out.

You live here now.

New York needs tourism.

Applaud if you're a tourist.
I wanna hear it.

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you for coming to New York.

We need tourism now more than ever.

Because everyone who lives here
has already been assaulted.

And we need fresh blood.

The subway god has to be fed.

Lord Choo Choo is hungry.

Those trains run on souls.

Get down there!

Look over the platform,
make some eye contact.

New York, you can't sit down anywhere...

but you can lay down everywhere.

Yeah, I know it.

Some of you probably stepped over me
on the way in here.

I saw a guy on the street
masturbating, right?

A woman walks past him and goes,
"Oh, it's too hot for that."

And it really was.

I didn't know that was seasonal.

I'm really stepping up my game.

It's not every day you get to perform

to the not Fantastic Four
but the available three.

Oh, come on.

Come on, guys, please.

Don't waste my time,
I left the kid in the car.

Tony, you've done it again, and then some.

You keep saying, "Where dreams come true."
May I?

I mean, Madison Square Garden,
can I take it to the next level?

Thank you.

Yeah.

I'm just calling the homeless
that live in the train station.

They'll be here any minute.

For those who saw my special on Netflix,
Hot Cross Buns,

you know the recorder
is my guilty pleasure.

Now, Tony, did you play the recorder?

You didn't. You kind of look like
you played the inhaler.

But how about you, Matt?
I don't know you that well.

- Did you ever play?
- No, sir.

Exactly. You had friends.

Now, Normand,
I see you there playing the victim.

Uh...

Tony...

The beauty of the recorder,
as we all know,

is you get to communicate with music.

Sometimes words don't do this so...

And I know this is
a super hardcore comedy crowd.

But out there somewhere,
someone's feelings have been hurt,

and that's why I've come up
with a little tune

to make it up
for all those with the hurt feelings.

Just an F and A energy.

Just a simple little, "I hear you."

We all hear you.

Close your eyes now,

and let me take you on a trip
to Trader Joe's.

Sorry.

That wasn't... That was just my COPD.

Now...

I guess I should end it strong.
Am I right, or no?

I think I'm doing okay, right? Yeah.

Well, for those of you from...

For those of you from...
...from New York, here's some advice.

Okay, first off,
you can't smell it all in one day.

Now...

It's late, my favorite time of night,
when the city bikes are all docked again.

Safely back in the rack.

Do you think they talk to each other
about the rides they had, Tony?

Oh, yeah!

"Where were you today, city bike?"

"Oh, I went around Central Park."

"How about you?"

"I was involved in a hate crime."

"Nice."

Good night. God bless.

Kill Tony forever.

The great Dave Attell,
ladies and gentlemen.

His special, Hot Cross Buns,
is on Netflix.

Watch right after this,
if you haven't already.

One more time
for the great Dave Attell, everyone.

We're going to bucket pull number four,

ladies and gentlemen,
we're flying through it.

Make some noise for Brennan Jim.

Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.

Make some noise
for Heidi and Valerie too, huh?

Here comes Brennan Jim.

Brennan Jim.

What's up, guys?

You know, I'm actually
a pretty nervous guy.

I get a little bit of stage fright,
you know, and people always ask me,

"Why do you do standup comedy

if you suffer from social anxiety
and stage fright?"

I tell them it's this little thing
called exposure therapy.

If you don't know what that is,
it's like, if you're afraid of something,

you just go around it for a while

and then, eventually,
you won't be afraid of it.

So like, say you're afraid of babies.

We would just take you
and throw you into a pool of babies

and suddenly,
you wouldn't be afraid anymore.

Let's say you have somebody
who is afraid of dead babies.

We just take you back to that pool
because nobody's watching those babies.

I was telling my friend about this,
and I was like, "You have any advice?"

And he's like, "Uh, yeah."

He looks at me, "Why don't you
just picture the crowd naked?"

I was like, "In today's day and age,
that's like assault, isn't it?"

But I like to listen to my elders.

So I can tell you this,
looking at this crowd right now...

bad fucking advice.

And it's not because of you,
it's because of me.

Wow.

Wow.

Brennan Jim, how long have you
been doing standup comedy?

- About a year.
- About a year. Where at?

Um, I did one, actually, here in New York.
It was actually my first one.

- I did on the fourth of July last year.
- Where do you live?

I live in Elmira, New York.

- Elmira?
- Yeah.

How far away is that from here?

About three-and-a-half hours.

Three-and-a-half hours. North?

- Uh, west.
- Okay.

What's it known for?
What's Elmira, New York known for?

Oh, trains.

And then Ithaca is not far away.
And that's known for colleges and stuff.

And I've done a couple open mics
up in Ithaca.

Your interview is as exciting as your set.

What do you do for work?

I, uh, I build stuff.

I build trains, actually.

I used to...

Growing up I always liked
Thomas the Tank Engine,

and now I get to build them.

Okay, well...

You're on the wrong track.

Yeah, I know, right?

You know, you don't win them all.

Or maybe any.

What do you guys think about Brennan Jim?
Matt?

- Uh--
- Go ahead.

I thought it was Redban's best set.

Redban taking strays out here.
Mark Normand?

You build trains,
but you're giving trailer.

Yeah.

You got an interesting look too.

In a tough set,
I'd go with a Zohran Bombdani.

I'm from West Virginia.

It's kind of a mix of a mountaineer look
and I'm-too-lazy-to-shave look, you know?

A-ha!

Oh, boy.

- All right, well...
- It's a tough crowd, but...

Uh, no, you suck.

Here's a little joke book.

There he goes.
Bucket pull number four, Brennan Jim.

Is this a joke book?

It's empty, just like yours is.

All right, We're having fun here.
Let's do something special.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest
regulars in the history of the show,

a young legend who is a juggernaut,
absolutely flying through show business,

doing movies, turning down legendary gigs,

accepting other legendary gigs,

getting to pick and choose
what he does with his life

because he has ridden
the Kill Tony fucking wave

all the way to wherever he wants to go...

Ladies and gentlemen,
how loud can this place get

for the great Kam Patterson?

What's up?

Hell yeah!

I've, uh... I've spent a lot of time
with my parents lately,

and I've been around my mom a lot,

and I've realized
that my mom is a psychopath.

It's funny 'cause like she...
I'm an only child.

So she didn't really have, like,

no guidelines on how to raise me,
she didn't know what she was doing.

I remember when I was real young,

if I ever got sick, she never gave me
like a hand to the forehead.

I never got one of those.

I never got one of these, dawg. Never.

If I was like, "Mama, I don't feel good,"
she would always go, "Drop them drawers."

And I would pull my pants down.

And if my balls was hanging down too low,
that means I had a fever.

That's not a real thing, dawg.

She made that shit up, man.

The worst part about it is I didn't know
that was wrong until last week, dawg.

Until my homeboy had a son.

He's like, "My son don't feel good."

I said, "Check the nigga balls, dawg."

"If his balls is hanging down,
he got a fever."

"Trust me. My mama told me that."

He said, "Nigga,
I think you got molested."

"Ain't no way in hell
that's a real thing."

Thank y'all so much. Been camp.
Appreciate y'all.

Boom!

One minute, 15 seconds.

- Pow!
- Did it again.

- Come on.
- The great Kam Patterson.

- You bet, baby.
- I love it.

You're doing it. It's been a long time

since you've been on the show,
you've been working,

up here in New York, down in Florida,
all around, film and movies,

while continuing to do standup.

- How's life going, Kam?
- Life been great, bro.

I just did a movie. That was cool.

I gotta kiss bitches on camera.
Hell, yeah.

- Whoa!
- Yes, I'm a porn star now.

Life is great.

- Hell, yeah.
- Hell.

It was weird. The kissing ho's was...
it was strange, dawg,

'cause, you know, movies,
they got like an intimacy coordinator.

They got to watch you kiss and shit.

And I thought I was gonna be
more like an HR situation.

But she was more like, "Yeah,
you kissing real good right now?"

"Yeah, you're doing great, nigga."

"Kiss her harder."

It was weird.

- Wow.
- That's a real strange shit, dawg.

That's a real job?
An intimacy coordinator?

Pretty fucked up.

It was a fat white lady, and she was bald.

- Oh. Shit.
- Yeah.

New York's treating you well?

Yeah, been great, man.

It's been pretty cool, bro.

Hell, yeah.

Come on. He fits right in.

Appreciate you.

- Yeah, I love it.
- Hell, yeah.

I'm excited to see you in more movies.

That's the game plan.
I can't act real good, but it's fun.

No. You're the next Jonathan Minors.

I don't know who the fuck that is.

Jonathan Majors.

- Oh, what he do?
- Well, it depends on who you ask.

Okay, well, there you go.
I don't want to be that nigga.

I will say that's weird, though.

The movie shit is strange because I can't.

I can't act. And I'm acting with people
that can act like the girls I was kissing.

They can act for real.
You feel what I'm saying?

So when we were kissing and shit,
my dick would get hard.

Because I'm not an actor.

You feel what I'm saying? Like my dick
is thinking that you want to fuck us.

- Your dick was in a documentary.
- A hun--

- Hell, yeah.
- I love it.

What else you been doing for fun?
Dad's good...

I saw ya. I've been hanging out the last
couple of nights with you and the fam.

- Hell, yeah.
- Your dad's out.

- Dad's feet are out.
- All the way out.

It's insane to have your feet
out in New York, nigga.

But his feet scare rats, so that's fine.
You feel what I'm saying?

- Yeah.
- Real shit.

- Yeah, no doubt about it. Amazing.
- Real shit.

I love it. What else, Kam? Anything else?

That's it. Just been running around.
You feel me.

- You're crushing.
- Trying to get better.

No, no smash and grabs?

Nah, not yet.

- All right.
- I'm thinking about it, though.

Kam, you're killing it.

You've taken all the momentum
from this show

and you are absolutely crushing in life.

- Appreciate it.
- Perhaps more than anybody has

with the opportunity given to you.

It's absolutely incredible.

One of my best friends,
one of my favorite comedians,

make some noise one more time
for Kam Patterson, everybody.

Let's go Legends Bucket, huh?

- Legends Bucket again?
- Yeah!

Let's fucking do it!

Ladies and gentlemen,
oh, my God, I present to you

one of my best drinking buddies.

He is formerly a full time New Yorker

and now lives in Austin, Texas.

Make some noise for one of the best.

Truly the great,
Joe DeRosa, everybody, is here.

Live in the flesh.

Yeah!

Hey, hey.

MSG.

What's going on?

I was texting with a woman recently,

and I was positive
I was gonna have phone sex.

Positive because it was 11:45 p.m.

And she wrote, "Are you all cozy in bed?"

And I said, "Yes, I am."

I was lying. I was in a chair.

Well, you lie when that text comes in.
You could be making fajitas.

You're like, "Fuck it, they'll burn."

I wanna jizz.

Then she wrote,

"So, what's on your mind?"

I was like, "Oh, shit,
here we fucking go."

And I thought, let me be smooth.

Let me be smooth.

So I said, "That's a great question."

"What's on your mind?"

Three dots started going.

I was staring at those fucking dots.

I can't wait to see
what's on this bitch's mind.

You know what she said?

Palestine.

Pales-- And with a full fucking boner.

I had to type, "I do not feel
well-read enough on that subject

to discuss it properly at the moment."

Fellas. Let that be a lesson to you.

Always lob it back once for safety.

Doesn't matter how much
of a green light you think you have.

Lob it the fuck back once.

'Cause "So, what's on your mind?"

That sounds like a goddamn
green light, doesn't it?

Good thing I didn't tell her.

Good thing I didn't go,
"What's on my mind?"

"I want to shoot my load all over
your fat fucking tits right now."

"That's what's on my mind."

"Then I want to finger fuck your pussy

till you squirt on my palm.
That's what's on my mind."

"Then I want you to suck my dick
till you drink my jizz

all the way down your throat."

"That's what's on my mind."

"What's on your mind?"

Palestine?

"No, no, no.
That's what I was talking about."

"That happened to a guy there today.
It was on the news."

"It was horrible."

"We must stop this conflict."

All right, guys, I gotta go.
Thank you so much.

Kill Tony, appreciate you.

Appreciate you, appreciate you.

Joe, you are the fucking man.

- Love you, buddy.
- So awesome.

We always have so much fun.

We've been having fun.
We had too much fun two nights ago.

Fucked me up last night.

I had to do standup here last night.

Something about you
just makes me want to drink, dude.

I don't know what it is, man.

It is so fucking cool to be here.

Thank you for having me
and I want to say this.

I want to say this on Netflix
in front of all these people here.

Dude, I've been doing this show with you

since it was in the belly room
at the comedy store

and there was 20 people there.

This is fucking insane.

- Thank you, buddy.
- You changed shit, buddy.

- Thank you for making me a part of it.
- You're the man.

- Joe DeRosa. Ladies and gentlemen.
- Love you, guys. Good night.

joederosa.com.

He's on tour and his special

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden
is out there right now.

The best special.

And it is one of the best
specials of the year.

Let's keep this fun train
moving along, everybody.

We're gonna go bucket pull five.

Here we go.
We're gonna meet 'em all together.

We're 50-50. Booze through the set.

Try to hold your booze
at least until they're done.

Try your best.

It's more fun if you wait,
and then at the end of 60 seconds,

you just let it rip all at once.

Let's try our best, make some noise,

someone hopefully
trying to make it tonight.

It's Ryan P. Flaherty, Ryan P. Flaherty.

What's up, New York?
I like blow jobs, too.

Hi, guys. My name's Ryan.

I look like my most recent Internet search
was just "vacuum, dick, stuck, help."

I look like I would be a camp counselor
for theater kids on Klonopin.

I'd like to do a dad joke.
Is that okay with y'all?

Uh, as someone whose dad is named Frank

and whose dad
is on the sex offender registry...

...any time somebody starts a sentence
like, "I'll just be frank."

I want to go... "No!"

"You don't wanna do that."

It's fine. He's dead.

To me.

It's a big night for me, y'all.

I'm so glad to be here.

I don't normally do this,
but I brought business cards tonight.

They're not mine. But I've been finding
cool ones and writing my shit on the back.

If you're type O-positive,
Earl needs a kidney.

Thank you so much. I'm Ryan.

Ryan P. Flaherty.

You did it, Ryan P.

- Thanks, guys.
- Hell, yeah.

How long you been doing standup?

Uh, if you count COVID, like, seven years.

Nice. All of it here in New York?

No, I'm from Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Okay.

Wow.

Rock solid for being from Scranton, PA.

What do you do for work?

I'm a maintenance kind of guy.

I just do stupid shit.

Grout, paint.

I work on fast food ice cream machines.

Whoa, that's you.

- An American hero.
- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

No, it's great.
You're the one that fixes 'em.

Yep.

You also look like
you might break them sometimes too.

- I love it.
- Keeps me busy.

I love it. You married?

Uh, yeah.

You got kids?

- Uh, yeah. One kid.
- One kid.

- Yeah.
- How old's the kid?

- Just turned 12. Pretty cool.
- Twelve.

- Awesome. Boy or girl?
- Hell, yeah, man.

Girl-- Uh, boy.

Wow. Look at that.

Trans.

It's scary up here, guys. Come on.

Got a trans 12-year-old. That's awesome.

We'll see.

Jim Norton's backstage
googling her right now.

I love it. What do you do for fun,
Ryan P. Flaherty?

Dude, this, improv,
spend time with the family.

I don't got time. I just want to do this.

I love it. Fucking awesome.

And look at you.
You're in Madison Square Garden right now.

You went from standing out
on the street at 3:00 p.m.

Now you're in the Garden
performing a sold-out show.

You're on Netflix.

How do you feel?

So far, so-so, man.

Pretty cool with it.

This is going better than
I could have ever anticipated so far.

Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah!

They like me, Tony. They really like me.

They do.

Anything else interesting about your life
we should know about, Ryan P?

Um... I could wiggle my ears. Uh...

Let's see that ear wiggle.

Let's see it.

Look right down at that camera.
Right down the center.

- There, you see a red light down there.
- I'll find it.

Or it's right down the middle there.

Are they wiggling?

Is that a good ear wiggle?

This is Kill Tony, ladies and gentlemen.

Anything can happen.

Amazing.

What else? Tell us something else
fun about your life.

Um... I lost my virginity
on the auditorium stage of my high school.

You too?

I'm getting word that we have
an instant replay available.

We have the director
of the UFC events here.

Can I see an instant replay?

I didn't get to see it. We have that.

We have that center screen. Where is that?

What?

Yeah, I still don't, really.

It's barely an ear wiggle, really.

It's a ear-ish wiggle.

Yeah, it's a lot of pressure, Tony.

Just a little trick
to get the kids in the van.

Yeah.

How do you look like a pedophile
but have a voice of the victim?

I'm just very special, Matt.

I love that you have a son.
Imagine your kids being bullied

and they're like, "My dad'll beat you up,"
and just another kid shows up.

Yeah, dude, I have to have his friends
that hit puberty go.

And, like, pretend they're me, you know?

All right.

Well, my friend,
you did fantastic tonight.

I do believe you're the most popular
comedian in Scranton right now.

How about one more time for
Ryan P. Flaherty, ladies and gentlemen?

There he goes, everybody.

And we're gonna keep it moving along.

Ladies and gentlemen,
one of the greatest regulars

in the history of the show.

A freak of nature who--

This will be his second time
performing in Madison Square Garden.

Ladies and gentlemen, what can I say?

We're here at the Mecca,
the world's most famous arena.

The greatest unions, the greatest staff,
the greatest crew possible.

Every single person
at the Garden is a surgeon at their job.

And I think this arena represents America
better than any other place on earth.

And this young man hopes to represent
America very soon as an American.

But today he remains
the Estonian assassin.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ari Matti.

I'm not a political guy.

I don't give a fuck.

I'm on whatever side
the person I'm talking to is on.

If you're a big-titted Muslim bitch,

"From the river to the sea," my queen.

I'm not like a guy who's like,
"Well, actually, fuck you."

I do whatever the 51% is doing.

If I'm on an airplane,
somebody puts their seat back to me,

I put my seat back
to whoever the fuck is behind me.

You fuck me? I fuck you.

That's how the world works.

We all go, "Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you! Fuck you!

Fuck you!"

Until the last guy...

...can't.

I love living in America.

You guys are patriotic as fuck.

Nobody fucks with America.

I love that you guys bombed Iran.

Not because they had nuclear weapons,

but because they had the idea.

That's some gangster shit.

And I love when Americans are criticizing
Israel for really overreacting.

Oh, yeah? Kind of like
dropping two nuclear bombs

after somebody blows up
a couple of boats, huh?

I love that you guys did two.

I think after one, the Japanese
would have been like, "Oh, shit."

"Fuck!"

"Sorry."

"We didn't know you have the sun."

Remember when somebody blew up
a couple of towers?

A couple of teeny weeny towers
filled with Jews?

You guys are so patriotic
that even though it happened in New York,

there was guys in North Carolina
who saw that shit on TV,

and they were like, "Oh, yeah!"

You flew over an ocean, into a desert...

"Where is he?"

I guess what I'm saying,
Estonians are not patriotic.

You know what Estonians did
when Russia invaded us?

We learned the language.

Thank you, guys.

Wow. What a vibe.

Wow!

The force of Estonia.

The assassin has done
what he does yet again.

- Thank you.
- What a fucking set.

I was so scared to bring up that 9/11.

I told you before... this was...

Oh, it's a good joke.
I'll never forget it.

Hell, yeah.

- It brought the place down.
- Wow.

I love it, Ari.

You're absolutely crushing.

Fantastic.

How are you enjoying New York?

Yeah. So much fun, yeah.

I came here a few days early
just to work that set out,

and it was awesome. Running around clubs.

I saw Mark Normand around.
He helped me a little.

That was awesome.

Just to work the jokes, I'll get
the real New York experience.

Yeah.

That was awesome.

Yeah, you love it.

You're always grinding,
always hustling hard.

Mark, is this true?
You helped him out? What did you do?

Uh, I didn't touch any of that shit,

but no, no, we were working out.
Yeah, you got to run it.

It's the Garden.

- Yeah, it was awesome.
- You gotta prepare.

And Matt Rife,
on behalf of all the comedians,

thank you for bringing
the bitches out to comedy.

Thank you very much.

He's doing the Lord's work.

I've seen your crowds, thank heavens.

Can we pull up a Matt Rife shirtless pic?

What do you think?

- No, we don't have to...
- Okay.

Pull up a David Lucas shirtless pic.

- I have it on my... my wallpaper.
- You have great genes.

Ari, what else is going on?

Well, we got, you know,
what happened to us on Thursday?

We go to a sauna. Russian sauna.

Steam? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now you remember?

- Yes, I do remember.
- Oh!

Me and Tony got sexually assaulted
in a steam room.

We did.

Redban?

No, I was not there.

Redban can't handle temperatures over 75.

Uh...

But Ari and I are big time sweaters.

- We have, we own our own saunas at home.
- Yeah.

And when we come to New York City,

there is a place here that's been here

- since, what, 18-like-70.
- Yeah.

The Turkish Russian bathhouse it's called.

I've been there for like... I've gone there,
like, five years in a row.

But this is the first time I went there
and I saw you there.

- And it was Men's Thursday.
- Yeah.

And we found out together...

- Well, yeah.
- Thursdays between 1:00 and 5:00

- is what they call "Men's time..."
- See.

...which it seems like
we would fit in there.

I thought, "Men's time",
oh, my God, intelligent conversation,

- cocks out, fun times...
- Yeah.

- Instead, you know...
- Dude.

And it started kind of slow.

I don't know if we haven't really gone

over this since it happened,
but I saw one guy walking by

that was, I thought maybe he had,
like, an itch or something.

Like, it was kind of like
reverse backhand.

Yeah, it was like that. Exactly.

He was, you know, with the coin,
you know, just a little...

- maybe an itch.
- Yep.

If you've got an itch.

And then organically, Ari and I sitting

next to each other in the steam room,

- you know, you're kind of like, "Ugh..."
- You're in the haze.

Yeah, you're just, it's fucking...
It's kind of cloudy.

- And there's a guy directly across...
- Three inches from my face.

No, no, he was here. Tony's here...

- Dick here.
- Yeah.

And he was really... He was doing the...

No. At first I thought I'm seeing
a mirage or something

- because... half chubby doing, you know?
- Yep.

Yep.

And no one, see. Yes, Matt Rife.

- No one...
- Yeah.

- See, no one is saying shit.
- Yeah.

There's also, yeah, that's worth noting...

- I look at Tony...
- ...seven or eight other guys

in this thing with us.

- Everybody's just kind of chill.
- I look at Tony. He's not bothered.

What? He's very comfortable.

The biggest smile I've ever seen
on his fucking face.

- It's true.
- And then...

Because I couldn't fucking believe
what was happening.

Yes. So then I go,
remember, in the steam room,

I just... I go, "Hey, dude,
are you jacking off?"

Yeah.

Which I expected... "Oh!"

But his response,
no contact lost with cock.

- He goes, "Yeah."
- Yeah.

And he nodded like that.

He goes like that, and he's continuing
to do it with the powerful eye contact.

No blink, head nod.

So then... So then--

This is where Ari Matti
gained his citizenship at this moment.

- So then, I go get the fuck out of there.
- Yeah. Yeah.

And as soon as I said that,

I realized from the energy in the room,

- I'm the odd one out.
- Yeah.

That's when it clicked, "Men's Thursday".

Dude, everyone was probably ready
to gobble, gobble...

and I just...
I thought I stopped a sexual assault,

- I think I interrupted an orgy.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

I got one more for ya.

I did a quick stop in today.

I'm like, I'm gonna fuck it,
and I'm gonna sweat out.

- Of course you went back.
- Yeah, I went right back,

and this is open, back to normal.

What we've always been used to.
Not Thursdays 1:00 to 5:00.

I go back and I'm in that exact
steam room with some friends, right?

And then there's one guy there
that goes, "Man, is this great or what?"

I go, "I'll tell you, the other day,

there was a fucking guy
jerking off in this room."

"Fucking disgusting, right?"

He goes, "Thursday between 1:00 and 5:00?"
I go, "Yeah".

He goes, "Yeah, that's...
that's 'men's time.'"

I go, "Yeah,
but you're not supposed to jerk off."

"This place is supposed to be..."

He goes, "No, no, no. This is New York."

And I'm like, I can't wait
to get back to Texas.

You need guns here, motherfuckers.
You need guns.

Get your guns back.

There's no jerking off in steam rooms

where everyone can possibly
have a gun underneath their towel.

- Redban.
- Why did you go back, though?

- I would never go back to that place.
- Yeah. Redban, you're so straight.

You would never go do something
healthy for your body again

- because one guy jerked off.
- Take a hot shower.

Yeah, a hot shower.
That's the same, Redban.

This guy has the same gunk
underneath his sweat pores

since 1989.

What's the healthiest thing
you think you've done in the past year?

- I ate pussy today.
- Wow. He ate pussy.

- While she was on her period.
- While she was on her period.

- And I swallowed it.
- And he swallowed it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Redban, an American hero.

So much fun.

What kind of candy did she put
in her pussy for you to eat it?

- Kimchi.
- Kimchi.

All right.

Ari, you're a fucking beast.

You did it again tonight.

- Thank you so much.
- Un-fucking-believable.

Ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Ari Matti, everybody!

We're gonna go Legends Bucket.

I know we already have momentum.

I shouldn't do it right now.

We're going Legends Bucket.

Oh, my God, ladies and gentlemen,

magic is about to happen
as I present to you,

the reigning defending
2024 guest of the year

here to do a spot
at Madison Square Garden,

make some fucking noise for Kill Tony icon

and one of the greatest comedic
movie stars of all time, Harland Williams.

Wow.

What a treat.

I gotta tell you, folks, it's, uh...

It's a bit of an emotional night
for me to be here tonight.

My sister's here tonight.

She's in the very top row,
right on the railing up there, and...

It's... It's been a little tough.

She's been, and it's tough to talk about,
but she's been suicidal.

And they say that
laughter is the best medicine.

So I brought her here tonight

to maybe encourage her
to go forward with her dreams in life.

You can all help me tonight with a chant.

Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump,

jump, jump, jump, jump, jump!

Is she still there?

All right, well, we'll leave the car
running for you when you get home. Uh...

Sir, if you could fuck off.

Uh, it's good to be here.

Holy God, some guy recognized me
in the street today.

He ran up to me and he goes,
"Hey, man, I know you. You're crazy!"

And I said, "Yeah, I'm crazy, all right."

"Crazy like Forest Whitaker's left eye."

He said to me, he said, "Hey, man,
you've been in the game a long time."

"Maybe it's time to get out."

And I said,
"Like a retard in a bouncy house..."

"...there ain't no getting out."

I was walking around in New York,
I don't vape

but I started vaping here in New York.

Not the little vape pens,
but about every four blocks,

you see a pipe sticking out of the road
with steam coming out of it.

I just walk up, plant my face right in it.

Holy shit!

The flavors are delicious.

Have you tried homeless-manure
urine-raspberry-sun blast?

How about suicidal-out-of-work
Broadway-actor-blueberry, anybody?

Just an hour ago,
I had sexual assault in the park,

cinnamon, cranberry,

that guy's teeth. No, I'm just kidding.

Sir, if you could go immediately
and stick your tongue

in the nearest electrical socket.

I got up at 5:30 in the morning,

this morning, I wanted to see New York

without all the the tourists
and all the people walking around.

So, I'm wandering around
at 5:30 in the morning,

and I got to tell you,
this city is haunting.

It is ghostly, dare I say enchanting.

I'm walking around at 5:30 in the morning

and all I hear is this... All I hear is...

I look, I see a homeless guy
making wind noises.

I gave him $30.

Best blow job I've ever had,
I gotta tell you.

Number one. One.

I picked up a girl in a bar last night.

Man, you can't tell those
trannies apart anymore.

Holy fuck.

This chick was a 12 out of 10.

I got the tranny home and we were
rolling around naked in the sheets.

We were feeling around and halfway
through it, I whisper in her ear,

I said, "I don't want to be insensitive,
but your pussy has a cock."

"Your clit is about eight inches long

and there's a mushroom cap on top."

I mean, she was a great guy,
but I only lasted about three hours.

That's not for me.

I got a new tattoo.
You got a tattoo, buddy?

What do you got, my guy?

All kinds? Can you name one?

Your daughter's name.

So you don't know
your fucking daughter's name?

Do you open the door and go,
"Hey, it's time for dinner, uh...

Carol."

I got a new tattoo right here.
A brand new one.

It's a beauty. Holy God, I love it.

It's a tattoo of a giraffe
sleeping on a beanbag chair.

When it gets excited,
it runs in and out of caves and throws up.

Give my son and daughter a hand.
Aren't they great?

Folks, I love you.

I'll see my sister when I get home.

The guest of the year.

Reigning, defending,
the host of the Harland Highway podcast.

One of the greatest guests
in the show's history.

One more time
for the great Harland Williams,

- ladies and gentlemen.
- Thank you.

Wow, what a legend.

That set got dumb and dumber.

We're having fun.

I'm gonna keep the momentum up here.
Instead of going to the next bucket pull,

I think we should go with one of our
greatest golden ticket winners ever.

Ladies and gentlemen, this young lady
has always absolutely destroyed.

She is, without a doubt,
one of the most beloved figures

in Kill Tony history
from Nashville, Tennessee.

Make some noise for Fiona Cauley.

Here she comes.

She's back.

How loud can this place get?

Come on, Madison Square Garden.

One more time for Fiona Cauley.

New York City.

A lot of stairs. Um...

Man, I... I was recently approached

by a couple
in proposition for a threesome.

Oh, yeah.

I am always down for half the work. Um...

I do bring my own cuck chair. Um...

I, uh, I did learn, though,
that, like the quickest way

to ruin the vibe of a threesome

is to ask if their home is ADA compliant.

It never is. Um...

And if it were, I think
I'd be more concerned.

Thank y'all.

The great Fiona Cauley.

Nashville, Tennessee.

The pride of Nashville.

Hell, yeah.

- Welcome back, Fiona.
- Thank you.

How's New York City treating you?

You having fun out here?

Yeah, they're all equal.

They treat me normal.

They're very mean, and I like that.

Yeah.

- I like that shit.
- Yeah.

It's funny, uh,
backstage I saw Matt and I realized

I had to fucking change

because I couldn't let you be
the prettiest one on the stage.

Ooh!

I'm not sure I won that one,
but I tried, you know.

Fiona, you're crushing it.

How's things down in Nashville?

What's going on down there?

What's going on in life?

Oh, man, I just turned 29.

Oh!

Oh, no.

- I know.
- You got one year left.

- All these normal motherfuckers.
- I mean, to live.

Fiona has one of the best
senses of humors.

We've talked about it a billion times.

Is there any good news
with your condition or anything?

No.

Uh... I'm here! That's the good news.

- That's all that matters.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

- The battery is charged.
- Hell, yeah.

You always murder.

You're gonna get the chair.

Matt Rife.

I love how you complained
about Ahren getting a $250 headset.

How much was the stage elevator?

I mean, it ain't easy.

But luckily...

- Thanks--
- Got a drink holder on that puppy, huh?

- Yeah.
- That's pretty good.

I keep that shit on me.

- Drinking and driving.
- Yeah.

I do it best. Um...

You know, it's funny.

I have noticed something in New York.

I know I talk weird
because of my neurological shit,

but y'all think it's just
a Southern accent.

And I like that shit. Yeah.

Amazing. By the way, I got word in my ear

that it actually,
I had no idea that this was real.

But the director just told me it...
it was indeed $6,000 for the elevator...

- Wow!
- ...to get a wheelchair on this stage.

So just to let you know...

Fiona, whether it's God
that takes you from us, or not,

this will be your last time
on this show in an arena.

- I mean, Tony, with your lineups.
- Thank you.

If they don't ask you to host the Special
Olympics, I don't know who can do it.

That's true.

Host the Special...

I can't get them to stop
calling me a racist Nazi meanwhile.

- It's hard to host the Special Olympics.
- At least you're non-ableist Nazi.

And that is good news for me.

- Thank God for that.
- Yeah.

I love my wild, wild people.

I always think to myself, "What would I do
if I was in that position?"

I would hope that someone
would keep the door open for me.

You do, yeah.

I would hope someone would buy a $6,000
elevator that I just found out about.

See, they... It's funny because
they ran Ahren's $250 headset by me.

But no one's like, "Hey, 6,000."
They must...

My production team
must fucking love you, Fiona.

- Yeah. I had to suck a lot of dick.
- Blow jobs.

To be fair, David Lucas
also needed the elevator.

Fiona, you are a cold-blooded assassin.

Everybody loves you.

Every appearance on this show
has always been fantastic.

You're hilarious.
You're beautiful. Everybody loves you.

One more time for the great Fiona Cauley,
ladies and gentlemen.

How about a hand
for the beautiful Heidi helping out here?

Redban. Redban.

What did I tell you
about making that noise?

Yeah, I'm also getting...
I'm getting word

that we have an instant replay
of the $6,000 elevator hard at work.

Here it is. Wow.

This is live.

Anything can happen, folks.

I mean, this seems crazy, by the way.

Oh!

Only on Kill Tony, can you perhaps
watch a woman fall to her death.

Absolutely incredible.

Wow.

Amazing.

That's what it's going to look like
when she dies

and gets lowered to hell, everybody.

I'm kidding. She's not going to hell.

A lot of liberal ladies out there
just not laughing, giving me mean looks.

Wow. Slow elevators.

I wish this was a Coldplay concert,

and they cut to her
walking down the stairs.

She's like, "Got him."

All right, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm going back to the Legends Bucket,
ladies, and...

Wait a second.
This doesn't make any sense whatsoever.

How could this be in the Legends Bucket?

This is crazy.

This guy's only been on the show
twice ever before.

He's only been doing comedy eight months.

This doesn't make any sense.

This can't be real.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this Legend Bucket pull

says the words... Timmy No Brakes, everyone.

I mean...

This can't be real.

He's supposed to be in Salt Lake City.

Oh, my God. There he is!

The newest icon.

Make some noise for Timmy No Brakes.

Release the doves.

Okay. Fuck! The doves are dead. Um...

I thought leather was more breathable.

Let's cut that.
Let's take it from the top, guys.

Fuck!

Shut the fuck up, guys.

Tonight I'm playing my hits.

You know these. You love these.

Yell the punch lines out.

I recently found out
you could get an erection after you die.

Yeah, so Bruce Willis could...

die hard.

Guys, what the fuck?

These are my hits. Let's fucking go!

I put my dick in a glory hole
the other day.

Turns out my sister was on the other side.

I'm like, "Why am I doing this..."

"...in my house?"

Guys, these are my fucking hits.

Let's go. This is embarrassing.

Last chance, you dumb ass retards.

I got an STD the other day. Yeah.

It was the...

AIDS.

Fuck!

It's all right, Tony. I'm sorry, that's...
I relinquish my time. That's...

I'm a little stressed, you know.

You said MSG, I went to fucking Chinatown.

I almost didn't make it.

Ladies and gentlemen, Timmy No Brakes

has made a shocking appearance
from the Legends Bucket.

Wow, Timmy,
this must be monumental for you.

We know for a fact
you are from New Jersey.

Make some noise, New Jersey!

Good job, sir.

How does it feel to be here
at the most famous arena

in the world coming from New Jersey?

Honestly, it feels like Tuesday.

You call this a fucking arena?

I mean...

You know what? I'm burning up up here.

This is...

Timmy No Brakes is a sensation.

- I can't believe you have...
- Sexy one.

...multiple leather jackets on.

- Yeah, I mean...
- Who doesn't?

- Right?
- Yeah.

- I mean, yeah.
- Take off your shirt.

You got another denim under there,
gay guy?

Boom! Roasted.

Hit me with the pyro.

Give him a little pyro.

You got a little fire?

You got a little fire

- for Timmy No Brakes?
- The fucking pyro!

You're fired. Pun.

Guy, three amigos.

Where was my fucking trumpet there?
Jesus Christ.

He likes the... He likes the D.

He likes the D.

No. You like the D.

Give him a little pyro.

What do we got here?

You fucking flamer. You're gay.

Give us some flames.

Anything? All right.

Wow. I like it more when the timing's off,
and... there you go.

Oh, my God! Baby!

A master of Kill Tony.

This is his third time ever.

You've been doing stand-up.
Is it eight months or nine months?

Say it with me.

Eight weeks.

Eight weeks, ladies and gentlemen.

Less than ever before.

What do you like to do
when you're in New York City?

I'm glad you asked, Ton.

D-Madness, take the bass for a walk.
Jon Deas, tickle the keys.

Sax man, you're sitting this one out.

Shut the fuck up.

All right, I want
the fucking ceiling to open.

I want a natural moon spotlight.

Camera B.

Come in.

Switch to black and white.

Let's get me fucking
hooked up on some wires.

I want to fly around for this one.

Never mind. All right, everybody...

Clap.

Let's go, Madison Square Garden.

Wait, wait. What was the question again?

Oh.

What do you like to do
when you're in New York?

When I'm in... Uh, pass.

I'll pass on that.

Fucking the Jewish Ray Charles. Boom!

Roasted.

Andrew J's gay.

A low hanging fruit
from a low hanging fruit.

All right, bring out more props.

What do you got?

Uh-oh.

Okay, Timmy.

Well, you don't like prop comedy, Mark?

Okay.

It's all right.

- Timmy...
- This is awkward.

You are the People's Golden Ticket winner.

You've done it again.

Two jackets and one turtle dove
and a partridge in New York City.

You did it, my friend.

How do you feel, Timmy No Brakes?

I feel good.

Can I ask you a question, Tony?

Sure, Timmy. Whatever you want.

In fact, if you want to host
the rest of the show, you can.

Great. I was gonna challenge you
for your Regularship, so...

No, I'm just kidding, Ton.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Yeah, okay.

Is it true that you've never kissed a boy?

That is, well, technically,

Redban and I once kissed
for a New Year's Eve countdown video.

Is there a boy out there
that wants to come

up here and give this man his first kiss?

- No! Come on.
- It's a Kill Tony tradition. Come on.

- Wait, what? Matt Rife wants to?
- I didn't say that.

I didn't say that.

Do it. Come on, Matt. Do it, Matt.

All right. We got to keep it moving.

Timmy, we love you.

How loud can this place get
for the great Timmy No Brakes?

Oh! The dove in the crowd.

One person got a wing,
the other got the body.

- He threw his--
- Good night, New Jersey!

Wow, Timmy No Brakes.

It's unprecedented

someone coming out of the Legends Bucket.

All right, let's do something fun here,

real good and fast, huh?

Let's do a special "audience decides
who wins" four-person competition.

Does that sound like fun?

All right. Your first person
doing a minute tonight.

Make some noise for Jack Shaw,
everybody, here we go.

We're gonna fly through this.

Jack Shaw is first
with a brand new minute.

All right. Hey, New York.
I got a blow job in New York City!

Me and Harland are seeing
the same homeless man.

Who sucks dick in here?

Yeah. Get up here and prove it.

Dude, I love a blow job, man.

I just moved in with my girlfriend.

Dude, I'm learning a lot, man.

I fixed our washing machine, dude,

and she sucked my dick for it.

Yeah, dude.

Now, when she leaves the apartment,
I've been breaking shit.

I punched a hole through the television.

She went out of town recently
and the dishwasher broke

and I didn't know what to do, man,
and I called a handyman.

It turns out I give great head, dude. I...

Thank you guys so much.

Jack Shaw, you did it.

Throw that back in the mic stand
and go sit over that drum set over there.

Go sit in front of Michael's drum set.

Jack, you stay there.

Audience, remember
how much you liked his set.

Because you decide
who wins this competition.

Your next minute
is from David Jolly, everybody.

Golden Ticket winner,
America's Favorite Uncle, David Jolly.

How y'all doing tonight?
White people in Puerto Rico!

Hell, yeah.

I believe the American school system
is a bunch of bullshit.

They told us a lot of bullshit
back in the days,

and I've been fact-checking,
and I don't believe it.

Y'all remember that bitch, Helen Keller?

Yeah!

Y'all believe that shit?

Kiss my fucking ass!

They're trying to tell me
this motherfucker was blind and deaf,

she wrote 200 books and she flew a plane?

Come on, now.

If I get on a Delta flight
and that bitch driving

doing the Ray Charles,
I'm getting the fuck off the plane.

Then it was two more facts that I heard.

One of them, I believe, sadly,
the second one ain't no goddamn way.

They say in World War II, she was a nurse.

If I've been in a goddamn injury
and she come in the room

bumping into shit,
I'm gonna kill my goddamn self.

I ain't gonna let Humpty Dumpty do it.

Then I found out, sadly,
that during World War II,

Helen Keller was sexually assaulted
15 times.

And that's sad.

Oh, shit. You went over your time.

David Jolly, go sit next to Jack Shaw.

Who would've guessed? A Black guy
doing more work than he had to do.

All right, your third competitor.

She won this spot

on the last Netflix taping
that was at the Mothership.

Make some noise
for Serena Thiel, everybody.

A brand new minute from Serena Thiel.

Where the hell's Serena Thiel?
Here she comes, everybody.

Make some noise for Serena.

Man, New York is crazy.

You guys have things here
that I didn't know existed.

I saw an Asian midget yesterday.

And I know what you're thinking.
How could I tell?

Uh, he was wider than he was tall.
It was awesome.

In my neighborhood,

there is a Pilates studio
with a quote on the front window:

"What a wonderful thought it is

that some of the best days of our lives
haven't even happened yet."

Quote: Anne Frank.

1945.

What an idiot.

What, did you not see
the writing on the wall?

Read the room, baby girl.

There's only one.

It's not like you have
anything else to read.

It's a crazy thing to put

on the front window
of your Pilates studio.

I feel sorry for the woman
who put that there.

She thinks she and Anne Frank
both have better days ahead of them.

I don't think she finished the book.

Serena Thiel!

Got it in. One minute, 12 seconds.
Three seconds away from the bear.

Your final and fourth competitor,
ladies and gentlemen.

Used to do comedy in New York,
and I gave him a spot at the Mothership.

Make some noise.
Danny Martinello, ladies and gentlemen.

And at the end of this,
you decide who wins.

I've been exchanging
some sexies with this girl.

Usually I don't send nudes
unless you want them.

Then I'm just launching the whole fleet.

And she hit me back with...

She said, "Can you take a picture,
but next to a remote, please?"

I said, "100%, I can.
No problem with that."

"But you're getting
the Roku remote, though."

You kidding? Send that off
just being like, "I am a Titan."

It's such a strange unit
of measurement to ask for, though.

Why wouldn't you
just straight up ask for a ruler?

It's got inches on it.

Centimeters, if you want to feel like
a metric massive man.

That's so strange, though,
because no dude's gonna ever do that.

No dude's gonna ask for scale, you know?

They're never gonna just be like,
"Nice. Beautiful pussy,

but do you think you could take it
next to a toaster, please?"

"Just trying to see what kind of slot
you're working with here."

Find out she has a couple kids.

You're like, "Yeah,
that's a four banger toaster, for sure."

You gotta dump a couple crumbs
out of that tray. Thank you. God bless.

Boom! Danny Martinello.

All right. You guys, stand back up.

Stand next to Danny,
and the audience decides.

We have an actual meter,
a metric system of deciding who wins.

So, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

If you have Jack Shaw
winning this competition,

make some noise.

What are we at? What do we got?

What was the max there?
What are we calling that?

- We got up to 90-something.
- Ninety-four.

Ninety-six-point-zero?

All right. Okay.

How many of you
have David Jolly winning this?

Ninety-five.

How many of you have Serena Thiel winning?

Ninety-six-seven.

And how many of you
have Danny Martinello winning?

Oh, that's it.

Danny Martinello wins.

And on top of just performing
at Madison Square Garden,

you get to perform in an arena
in Austin, Texas, on New Year's Eve.

Congratulations, Danny Martinello.

That is Kill or Be Killed,
an absolute turbo round.

Make some noise for all of them.

Danny Martinello, Serena Thiel,
David Jolly, and Jack Shaw.

Yeah, whatever.

- Fuck yeah, that was awesome.
- Yeah, whatever.

Yeah, whatever, Tony.

Oh, shit, it's the Roastmaster General!

Whatever, Tony.

Come on! Move it!

What the hell is going on, Tony?

Make some noise for Jeffrey Ross,
ladies and gentlemen.

His brand new Broadway show,
Take a Banana for the Ride,

is out starting on Monday,
and running here on Broadway,

through the entire season
at multiple shows.

- Many shows.
- Tony.

Tony.

Yeah, Jeff?

Wait, we're going backstage.

Look at all the ugly
fucking fans back here.

This looks like
an Ugly Lives Matter rally.

Where are you? Where are you?

Where is he at? Make some goddamn noise
for the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross.

Oh, yeah. There he is.

What the fuck is up, New York City?

- Tony.
- Yeah.

Welcome to New York.

I would say,
"Take a bite out of the Big Apple,"

but with those teeth, there'd be nothing
left for the rest of us.

Matt Rife
is what Tony thinks he looks like.

Goddamn.

Tony, you do so much for disabled comics.

But enough about Redban.

Hey!

Redban, great to see you
at Madison Square Garden,

instead of the Olive Garden
on Madison Avenue.

Tony, I'm so proud of you, buddy.
I'm so proud of you.

I mean, here we are,
Madison Square Garden,

sold out, Netflix special,
top of the charts.

I gotta say, for a bottom,
you're really on top.

But I was really disappointed
last November

when you came to this very venue

and you called Puerto Rico,
the island of Puerto Rico,

a heaping pile of garbage.

A floating island of garbage.

I'm just sorry
you'd never been to Staten Island.

Tony, from the bottom of my heart,
I appreciate you.

I love what you do for comics. Thank you.

You coming to my show this week?

I am. I'm going to opening night Monday.
Take a Banana for the Ride.

It's gonna be huge.

How long does that run on Broadway?

We're going through the end of September.

It's basically a tribute to this tribe.

There's a tribute to Norm Macdonald,
Bob Saget, and Gilbert Gottfried.

It's at the Nederlander Theatre.

If you're going through something tough
in your life right now,

this is the thing to do.

Come on down to my show
at the Nederlander on Broadway.

It's a dream come true for me.

And I know anybody who loves comedy
is gonna love this show.

I saw the test run
when it was in Austin, Texas.

It was fucking unbelievable.
You saw it too, right?

It's fucking great. Everybody loved it.
Get tickets.

Jeff Ross, broadway.com.
Take a Banana for the Ride.

One of my first mentors,
best friends, like a father to me.

Make some noise
for the great Jeff Ross, everybody.

Catch him on Broadway.
Jeff, we love you, buddy.

All right.

Guys, this is a three-hour long show
and we are at the end.

There's only one way
to end a show like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you

the all-time record holder
for appearances on this show,

all-time interviews.

The Hall of Famer who still goes into it

and writes a new minute every single week.

This is The Memphis Strangler,

The Vanilla Gorilla...

...The New York Yankee.

This is The Big Red Machine,
William Montgomery, everybody!

Okay, turn the fire off,
who's ever doing that!

How's it going, Madison Square Garden?

Redban said before the show,

I'd like to stick my autopen
in Ashley Biden.

What did you mean by that?

I'm kind of surprised the New York Jets
didn't change their name.

Like if the Oklahoma City Thunder
had been called the Oklahoma City Bombers,

I'm pretty sure
they would have changed their name.

Jesus turned water into wine
and the Jews were like,

"Damn, we should steal his idea
and kill his ass."

Imagine being the guy
Jeffrey Epstein didn't let on the island.

"Yeah, I was talking to the girls,

and there are just certain lines
they refuse to cross."

"I mean, let's be real,

I could be a difficult boss at times,
but I'm not a monster."

My parents asked me
if I was afraid of death,

and I said, "Mom and Dad,
I'm only afraid of two things."

"Having grandkids
and disappointing Nick Saban!"

Have they made a Black Air Bud movie yet?

Okay, that's my time. Thank you, New York.

William "Lights Out" Montgomery
has done it again

live from Madison Square Garden.

- How did it feel, William?
- Good.

Oh, my gosh,
I was hoping you and Matt were gonna kiss.

I was really hoping
y'all were about to kiss up there.

Okay. What else is going on, William?

- I want to kiss you, Tony.
- Okay.

Okay, no, I'm kidding.

No, Tony, I've had a wonderful time
in New York City.

I'm a real big foodie.

I've discovered
all these great places to eat, Tony.

There's so many different genres of food
here in New York City.

I mean, I think I've really enjoyed
some Moroccan food.

I've been trying that.

I tried some Italian food, um...

some Dominican food.

What other kind of foods
have you tried, William?

Maybe some Japanese food!

Oh!

I really love--

Went to an Australian place
last night, Tony.

- Wow.
- Outback Steakhouse, Tony!

Oh!

That's my new sponsor, literally.
Outback Steakhouse.

They're paying me money
to start mentioning them on every show.

Wow. What other kinds of food
have you been eating?

People laughed at that one.

I was thinking...

Um, God,
I had some corndogs last night, Tony!

Um...

Mark, what's another kind of food?
Help me.

I figured you at the homeless shelter?

Maybe soup kitchen?

Yeah. They have some good baked beans
at the soup kitchen.

Yeah.

Okay, uh--

William, you think
you're ever going to stop

trying different types of food
here in New York City?

Ah, Tony, I don't think
I'm ever gonna stop...

Wow!
Ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery.

Come on, make some noise
for William Montgomery, everybody.

Guys, we did it!

Did you guys have a great time tonight?

Oh, shit.

Those are legit sparks.

Thank you to everybody,
especially Madison Square Garden.

This place is unbelievable.

Thank you to you,
the great people of New York,

for supporting the show,

supporting real comedy,
supporting free speech.

How loud can this place get for
the great Matt Rife and Mark Normand, huh?

And our great legends,
Take a Banana for the Ride, Jeff Ross.

Harland Williams, The Harland Highway.

Catch Dave Attell's special,
Hot Cross Buns, here on Netflix.

Joe DeRosa,
I Never Promised You a Rose Garden.

Jim Norton, Unconceivable.

One more time for all the regulars,
Golden ticket winners.

The Best Damn Band in the Land
is playing tonight at the Blue Note.

Big afterparty.

A special thank you to the IBEW,

the International Brotherhood
of Electrical Workers, Local 3,

here in New York City.

And one more time
for Madison Square Garden.

Truly, they treat us so great.

It's the best arena in the world.

Thank you to Netflix. Redban.

Love you guys. Thank you so much.

Thank you. Good night, everybody.

- Thank you!
- Yeah, comedy!