Original subtitles

Narrator: In the late part of the 18th century,

The peasants of old California

Were oppressed by tyrannical landowners.

To protect the poor and downtrodden people,

There emerged a mysterious swordsman

Who pledged his life in the service of justice.

To the people, he was a great hero

Who would live forever in their hearts.

To the landowners, however,

He was a real pain in the ass.

He was known only as...

Zorro!

My darling Diego,

I adore you.

No, my sweet flower.

I adore you.

Tell me the truth.

Do you think I am a good wife?

the Maja painted by the great Goya.

You are more exciting than venus herself.

Then why doesn’t my husband ever say that?

Because he’s not intelligent.

He is not intuitive.

He is not insightful.

and he is not in Barcelona!

Maximilian!

Garcia, I am astonished you would enter my house

Without my permission!

I might say the same thing

About you with my wife.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Calm yourself, my dear Garcia!

How could one dispute you?

But you are a man of some years.

and alas, no longer in fighting trim.

Whereas I am a perfect example

Of a spanish nobleman

In his prime.

It is hardly a fair match.

I do not wish to insult you,

My dear Garcia,

But I could fight Fourmen such as you.

You are quite right, Don Diego.

You see?

That is why I brought my five brothers!

Dolores: No!

Did I, uh, did I say, uh, four?

Ha ha ha.

What an arrogant braggart I am.

Why we don’t do this right?

Make an appointment? Find a convenient spot?

I beg of you gentlemen to desist,

Or I will be forced to call Paco,

My terrible mute servant!

Paco! At last!

Do you really think this is the time?

Well, tell it to me.

Diego...

My...

Son...

Come... home.

Papa wishes me to return.

I can dally with you no longer.

Family duty calls!

Adiós, mi amor.

Take care of yourself, huh?

Where to, Señor?

Los Angeles, California. Make it quick.

[Dog barking]

Los Angeles de California.

The birthplace of me.

After 20 years, you would have thought someone

Would come to the docks to meet me.

I’m not asking for a brass band,

But at least one mariachi player.

Don Diego, my old friend.

Esteban, my boyhood amigo.

Esteban now.

Capitán. I congratulate you.

Hut!

Hut!

Bleep-ooh.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Esteban, what the hell is going on here?

You remember Don Diego?

Diego! Aah!

Oh, Diego, Diego, Diego!

You, of course, remember Florinda,

for whom we competed as boys.

Oh, of course he does.

I cannot believe it!

Ah, the little bud was promising.

The full flower is a rare and wondrous dazzlement.

Ha ha. [Squeals] oh!

This full flower is now my wife.

Ah.

So our long rivalry for her hand is over, huh?

Again, I congratulate you.

This time, I congratulate you.

Ha ha!

As you can see,

We haven’t changed, Diego.

But that’s what happens to people when they stay

In the same small, dull village.

They don’t grow, they don’t learn.

It’s the same boring routine day after day,

Year in, year out,

Until finally they stagnate and fester

and rot!

Well, it’s certainly good to be home again.

[Paco sneezes]

That is my servant Paco.

He is a mute. He cannot speak.

Oh, excellent.

Perhaps he can give lessons to my wife.

Oh, Diego, I am so glad you’re back,

Even under the circumstances.

What circumstances?

All I know is that my father instructed me to return,

and, uh, now I find my dear friend

Has taken his place as Alcalde.

No, no, no, lifelong amigo.

I am only acting as Alcalde.

Your father,

I’m sorry to say, had a terrible accident.

Accident?

He was out riding

When his horse was frightened by a turtle.

¿Una tortuga?

Sí, the horse reared;

your father was thrown

and died soon after.

Perdón. Con permiso, I must go.

My friend,

I want you to know that the turtle

Who caused this has been executed.

It’s been very nice talking to you.

¡Vaya!

He’s not stupid.

Aah!

Don’t you think he knows

that’s not the truth about a turtle--oh!

Out of my way!

I believe you all know each other.

Don Diego from San Fernando.

Don Francisco from San Jose.

Don Fernando from San Diego.

Don Jose from San Bernardino.

Luis Obispo from Bakersfield.

Now, I believe, caballeros,

with no disrespect to yourselves,

that the next Alcalde

Should be a man of the people,

Someone who understands their special needs.

[Man yelling]

Esteban: That man was three pesos short

in paying his taxes.

I can assure you

that he will never be short again.

Are there any nominations?

Esteban!

Oh, no, no, no.

I second the nomination!

Not for me!

I move the nominations be closed!

I second the motion!

Moved and seconded.

The nominations are now closed.

¡Viva Alcalde Esteban!

¡Viva! ¡Viva!

[Applause]

Don Diego,

I must tell you from my heart,

This comes as a complete shock.

The people are assembled

for your inauguration...

Excellency.

Los Angelinos,

Today, we begin a glorious new chapter

In our illustrious history!

Like all achievements,

It will require hard work

and sacrifice!

Yay! Yay!

[Applause]

I plan to model my government after the princes of india

Who, each month, are seated on a scale

and are given their weight in gold by the people.

How do you mean?

You wish your weight in gold?

No, not mine. No.

Weight in gold.

But Alcalde,

Already our taxes are almost what we earn.

How can we pay you more than that?

It will leave us with nothing!

Sí. Sí.

I do not make these laws!

You know that I am from you!

I am from the people!

Then you, too, can rebel!

[Crowd murmurs]

Stand up and spit in the face

of the wind of tyranny.

Who is this woman here, huh?

I do not believe she is one of our people.

Oh, thank you very much. That’s very helpful to me.

The 13 colonies have long won

Their independence from England.

Let their example inspire you.

Now is the time for you to end your domination.

I heard that! That is treason!

Arrest that woman! Now!

No, wait!

Isn’t this the village plaza,

Where, according to law,

everyone is allowed to speak his or her mind?

You are right, Señorita.

The woman is allowed to speak!

But arrest anyone who listens.

Hyah!

It is late!

Go home, my children!

You have heard enough idiots speak today!

Let your voices be heard.

Oppose the greedy bloodsuckers!

Thank you.

I’m Charlotte Taylor Wilson.

I’m with the people’s independence committee.

Don Diego Vega.

I’m with the greedy bloodsuckers.

You may joke about it, Mr. Vega,

But a new wind is blowing across this land.

It is the wind of independence,

and it carries aloft

The bird of freedom,

which will drop the egg of democracy

On your head.

¡Vámonos! ¡Adelante!

I never heard it put that way before,

But we have no need

for your democratic eggs in California.

The pipples are quite happy working the land

for the caballeros.

You don’t really believe the people are happy.

All I know is the soldiers are very happy

Shooting the pipples who say the pipples are not happy.

We can continue this amusing little conversation

Over a private drink,

Inside where it’s nice and quiet, or, uh...

Outside where it’s nice and noisy.

I’m afraid we have nothing in common.

I’ll drink to that.

Paco, why you don’t bring a drink to the lady?

Show her some manners.

Oh, thank you.

Could you tell me where I might find a decent inn?

An inn?

With all your talk about the pipple,

I see you like decent inns.

and you wear expensive clothes, not, uh, rags.

and you smell of exotic perfumes,

Not, uh, ship oil.

Ship oil?

You mean the oil from boats?

No, ship oil.

From the ships in the field.

What ships in the field?

Jou have never heard of the ships in the field?

The little, uh, baa-baa-baas?

Oh, you mean sheep.

Jes, that is what I said.

No. You said "ship."

Forgive me, but you have a very pronounced accent.

Jou tryin’ to change the subject from the fact

that you are actually very wealthy.

I am not very wealthy!

After all, what poor woman can afford three names?

Answer me that if you can,

Señorita Charlotte Taylor Wilson.

I have a small inheritance.

Ah.

But it occurred to me

that I must do something with my life...

Not merely...

to pose and preen...

Like a pathetic peacock.

If there’s no inn, is there a mission perhaps?

Church? Fine.

and do jou think you’re being so helpful

By telling the pipples they have accents

When they do not have an accent?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I tell jou, Paco...

The Señorita Charlotte Taylor Wilson

Has piqued my curiosity.

[Spits]

I know I said it before about Emilita Dupree.

Yes, and María González.

and the three Sanchez sisters.

This woman is different. She’s in charge.

She has a spirit and a--a--

A fire. Yes, fire. Very good.

[Knock on door]

Come in, come in.

Your father’s fencing dummy

and this just arrived for you.

Poor Consuela. You didn’t have to come up

All those stairs and carry that to me.

Let me take it.

[Gasping] where do you want it?

Oh, anywhere is fine.

By the window.

Who would be writing me a letter, huh?

Unless my nose for perfumes has badly betrayed me--

Consuela por favor, please by the chest of drawers--

None other than Señorita Charlotte Taylor Wilson!

Paco, please, you read it to me, huh?

Consuela, por favor, in the corner, gracias.

Esteban? What does he want?

A masked ball...

to celebrate...

His election as Alcalde, sí.

A festival. What am I going to wear?

A--a bullfighter, perhaps.

Hey... ahh... toro.

Your father told me to bring that to you

After he died.

A samurai, perhaps?

He did die, didn’t he?

Perhaps a gypsy fortune-teller.

Your father said

you would know what to do with it.

Perhaps a flamenco dancer!

Something about your destiny.

Destiny?

[Doors close]

My destiny?

Paco, open it up.

A sword...

A cape...

A hat...

What can it mean?

Fath: Dear son...

"I do not call you by name because I do not know

"Which of you Two brothers will be the one to read this.

"But whoever does, inherits the greatest gifts I possess...

"The sword with which to fight injustice...

"This mask with which to deceive tyranny...

"And this hat which needs reblocking.

"Wear them with honor, for in time of need,

"It is the destiny of the Vega men

to become Zorro."

The perfect costume to wear to the ball of a tyrant.

Would you not say so, Paco?

Paco!

What are you supposed to be, a duck?

A bear?

Don’t be silly. Bears don’t have ears like that.

I will allow you that you are a... a pig,

But that is as far as I will go. That’s all.

[Kicks floor]

Hey, look, I can see better now from the back.

You look like a bear.

Come on, old bear. Come on.

We’re gonna be late for the party.

Come on. Come on.

You’re gonna meet all kinds of people there.

Chickens, too. Goats. Maybe another little bear.

With pig ears.

Please! I beg of you!

Leave us something!

Out of my way, old man,

Or I’ll leave you with my horse’s footprint!

Unh!

You know, Paco, I don’t feel too good

About wearing this costume

Before any real acts of tyranny and injustice.

It’s like asking for trouble.

Peasant: Please, somebody, help us!

Help us! Please, somebody, help us!

What’s the problem, my friend?

He took everything we had.

¡Un Bandido!

The moment has come! My destiny calls!

Is he alone?

Sí, Señor.

Bueno. ¡Vámonos, Paco!

Now you die, you coyote!

I am prolonging the duel, my friend,

Because I can see that you need the practice.

Yaah!

¡No más, Señor!

I beg your mercy from your flashing blade and--

Aah! Oh, my god!

and from your hideous dog!

This is the second time today

I have heard the cry for mercy.

The first was from an old man

and his little granddaughter.

I meant them no harm, Señor.

Please spare me.

Jes. Jes, I will spare you.

But only so you can spread the word

to all the robbers and the--the lawbreakers

that a new bandit rides the land...

A bandit for the oppressed and the trodden-down!

A bandit known only as...

That not strike terror in your heart?

No, Señor.

But I’m new to the region!

You do not recognize the famous sign...

The mark of el Zorro?!

I love it.

Oh! Ohhh...

Oh, Señor, how can we ever thank you?

Your gratitude is thanks enough.

Look. Now we have more than before.

We took the money of the brigand, too!

Oh, no, Señor, he was no brigand.

That was Velasquez...

The Alcalde’s tax collector.

I knew that.

But I’m sure you have some poor and some needy friends

Who could use a little extra gold.

Before you leave,

Please, may we know your name

So we can include you in our prayers?

Tell me, how long have you lived in this district?

All my life.

And you stay informed of the local events?

The news and the gossip?

Sí, Señor.

Ah, bueno. Bueno.

You recognize that famous sign, huh?

Oh, yes, Señor. It is the number two.

That is not a two. That is a "Z."

Oh, if you say so, Señor. But in the school,

that is how they teach my granddaughter to draw a two.

Say it is a "Z" for el Zorro!

Zorro! Oh, Zorro!

Oh, Zorro! [Kissing]

That is a little more like it!

Praise be to god you are back!

Spread the news that he is back...

To help the helpless...

To befriend the friendless...

and to defeat... the defeatless!

El Zorro rides again!

Charlotte: This is the people’s money!

It should be spent on schools and hospitals!

That’s the sweat of your brow they’re wearing on their backs!

The sweat of your brow!

OK, lady, we asked you to leave nicely once,

and now we’re going to ask you--

Ask her nicely again.

Who are you, her bodyguard?

No. I am certain the lady can protect herself.

I am here merely to put my sword at her disposal,

and if she wishes...

to escort her inside.

[Crowd murmurs]

I’m Charlotte Taylor Wilson.

I’m with the people’s independence committee.

and you?

What is a name? A label, a brand.

Worth nothing except in the fashion world.

Eh, eh, eh.

Where is your invitation, Señor beaver?

[Gavotte playing]

Señora, may I present

Señorita Charlotte Taylor Wilson.

People’s independence committee.

Here. Read all about how to fight against the tyrants

and tyrantitas.

Thank you. Now do you mind telling me

Why you’re at my costume party without a costume?

I don’t believe in playing dress-up

When people are starving.

I hope you don’t mind.

Why should I mind you spoiling my party?

Making me a laughingstock in front of my friends?

Mind? Don’t be silly. I don’t mind.

Men, take this woman upstairs at once.

Put her in a costume and a mask.

A really big mask.

Are you aware that your husband is responsible

for making thousands of people miserable?

Really? And I thought he was just irritating me.

Lucky you, you tall, handsome, gorgeous person.

You get to dance with the hostess.

Now, since you know who I am,

Perhaps you could give me just a teeny-tiny hint

Who you are, hmm?

[Chuckles]

¡Peones!

He has come back!

He has come back!

Who?

He has returned to help us!

Who?

Zorro!

Zorro? Zorro?

Zorro!

Zorro! Zorro?

He said his name was, uh... Zero.

He was dressed all in black

and was accompanied by a hideous dog.

Someone dares to commit a crime

On my first night eh?

Oh! You know, wife,

I must play many, many, many roles,

But the people only see

The part I play in public.

Only a few select friends

Know my private parts.

This man must...

Be made an example of.

You hear me?

You will find him.

You will bring him to me immediately.

Sí, Alcalde.

There he is!

The man in the black sombrero!

This is Zero?

I am certain of it.

Then the hideous dog you referred to

Must be my wife, yes?

Ah ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

Oh!

Hey!

May I cut in?

I think that I have arrived just in the nick of time.

Esteban,

You’re going to ruin my party!

Hmm?

You agree, sir, that I have a point?

Indeed.

It must be difficult to find a hat

that fits it properly.

Ah, Señor Zero.

Is your blade as sharp as your tongue?

Is yours as dull as your wit?

[Crowd murmuring]

Mind holding this, please?

Not at all.

Would you mind holding this, please?

[Clattering]

Muchas gracias.

¡Vaya!

Ah. Bueno.

[Whimpering]

You’re a little clumsy, are you not, my friend?

To be your friend,

I would have to be more than clumsy,

I would have to be stupid!

Hyah!

[Chanting] Zorro!

Zorro!

Zorro!

[Women scream]

Aah!

Turn to cut in.

I can see that your pockets are lined

With the money jou have stolen.

and your shoulders...

Are padded with false expenses.

and your pantses bulge with greed.

[Women scream]

Get that man!

He has stolen the people’s taxes!

Hut!

Get him!

[Women screaming]

Get him!

How’s my party going?

Hut!

Hut!

Seems we are destined to meet again.

Sorry we did not get a chance to dance.

Perhaps next time.

But who are you?

Peasants, chanting: Zorro!

Zorro!

Zorro!

Zorro!

Zorro.

Zorro! Zorro!

Aaahh!

I fear I must now take my leave.

Peasants chanting: Zorro!

Aaahhh!

Ohhh!

Shit.

Ah. He’s injured his foot, excellency.

Now he will be easy to find.

and now I must take my leave.

What, are you stupid?

I could’ve told you

You’re not gonna make that jump.

But, no, you gotta be a hero.

Florinda: Diego!

Can you hear me?

I know you’re up there!

Paradise.

Diego.

Diego, I’m coming up.

You bad, bad, bad boy.

Why weren’t you at my party tonight?

I--I thought it was tomorrow night.

No. Tonight.

Guess who showed up. You’ll never guess.

Zorro!

Zorro? Yes.

El Zorro. He must be 85 years old by now.

Well, he looked marvelous.

He made a complete fool out of Esteban. Ha ha.

Ohh...

Well, with Esteban

there’s so much material to work with.

That’s exactly what Zorro would say.

It’s a very Zorro-esque remark.

So... ohh...

[Laughing]

So, this is your bedroom.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

And this must be your bed.

[Chuckles]

Don’t you get awfully lonely

up here in this bed all by yourself?

Well, sometimes Paco has nightmares,

and I let him sleep with me.

My life is a nightmare.

Please let me sleep with you.

Why are you making that face?

Is the thought of making love to me

that distasteful to you?

No! You’re sitting on my foot!

Ohh... god.

My life is miserable.

[Sobs]

I have nothing.

Nonsense. You have everything.

You’re married to the Alcalde,

The prince of the pipples.

Ah ha ha ha ha.

Don’t be ridiculous.

I’m married to Esteban, king of the beasts.

A beast!

Do you realize...

that we only make love 12 times a year?

Once a month is not too bad.

I mean 12 times in one night,

and then for the rest of the year... nothing.

Tell me,

On that one night,

Does he eat anything especial?

Oysters? Raw eggs?

Garlic. A lot of garlic.

Uhh!

Diego, darling,

Why didn’t I marry you instead of him?

Perhaps because he asked you, and I did not.

Oh, but I forgive you. I forgive you, my darling.

There’s still time to start our life anew together.

[Hoofbeats approaching]

Take me.

Take me! Take me now. Quickly.

What’s that sound? Like hoofbeats.

It’s my heart.

Listen.

[Horse whinnies]

It sounds like it’s coming closer.

Ohh...

Consuela: Who is it?

The Alcalde!

[Knocking]

Who?

The Alcalde.

We paid on thursday.

Paid on thursday. Heh heh.

Out the window.

Will you just open--

Consuela: Aah!

His men are out there.

Over here.

Decrepit old crone.

It’s too late. What about under your bed?

No. Uh, in the box. In the box.

It certainly fits you, darling.

[Knock on door]

[Knocking] who is it?

Do not get up.

Forgive me for this late visit, my friend,

But something most unusual occurred tonight,

and I need, from my heart, to talk to you.

Of course, my friend. Whatever I can do for you.

This bandit Zorro...

He reappeared tonight.

El Zorro?

¡Sí!

He robbed one of my tax collectors,

and then he had the audacity

to show up at my inauguratory ball.

What nerve!

Nerve?

Yaaahhh!

Of course, I routed him.

He got in one or Two

Lucky thrusts,

But in the end, he saw it was hopeless.

Zorro back after all these years.

That’s hard to believe.

Yes, but I am not so sure

That this man is the real Zorro.

A fake Zorro?

What did he look like?

Well, he was...

Your height...

Your weight...

Your coloring...

By the way, my friend...

Why were you not at my party tonight?

Mmm?

Well, I wasn’t, uh, feeling too good.

Mmm.

This is most curious,

Because when this Zorro tried to make his escape,

He injured his foot...

Perhaps even broke it.

I fail to see the curiosity in that.

It is just a coincidence, perhaps...

But, my friend, would you be so kind

As to get to your feet and walk for me?

Walk for jou? Ha ha ha ha!

But why? Jou’ve seen me walk before.

Yes, but you always do it with such...

manliness

that I never tire of watching you.

Perdón, Excelencia.

Business has gone to your head.

Walk for jou?

¡Andale!

I’m walking, I’m walking.

I’m walking, I’m walking!

¡Anda, anda! Walk, walk, walk!

I’m walking, I’m walking!

¡Más rápido!

¡Rápido! Jumping!

Jumping!

Yes! Now running in place!

Running in place!

Running and jumping and walking in place!

Running and jumping and walking in place!

Running and jumping and--

Enough!

My apologies, my friend.

[Sighs]

This Zorro business has me so upset.

Aah!

If you had only seen

The way that man taunted me--

Eeyaah!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

What is the matter?

It’s a... it’s a rare antique.

It belonged to my father.

Ay. My apologies again, my friend.

Sometimes...

I get so angry!

It’s my terrible temper!

My wife says it will be the death of her.

She could be right.

It’s getting late!

Ah, thank you, my friend.

and thank you for your counsel,

for I know from my heart what I must do.

I must show the people

that the Alcalde will never,

under any circumstances,

be intimidated!

Starting tomorrow,

More taxes!

Good!

Public floggings!

Good!

Look! What?

The dawn is breaking.

It is going to be a perfect day...

for a reign of terror!

¡Viva Alcalde!

¡Viva Alcalde!

¡Adiós!

[Whimpers]

Florinda, jou no hurt!

Thank god for small favors!

Don’t touch me.

El Zorro may not be able to ride,

But he can still fight.

En garde.

[Clack]

Don’t hold back, now.

Ooh. Ohh...

[Groaning]

[Screams]

[Whip cracking, screaming]

This Esteban has gone quite mad with power.

He has proclaimed now

that all firstborn males be named after him!

Even the little pets.

There is nothing I can do about it.

My father would be very ashamed of me now.

To come all this distance and miss my destiny by...

A foot.

[Hoofbeats approaching]

No. No, no.

I do not wanna play no charades.

Are jou yelling at me?

What?

I say, I’d like my little soldier doll returned.

Jou’d like what?

Oh, come, come.

You remember the doll perfectly well.

Blue button eyes, tall hat.

We called him "colonel puff-puff."

Colonel poof-poof?

I know jou?

Know me?

Sink me!

We were once womb-mates.

Womb-mates?

Ramón!

Ramón!

Ramón! My brother is back!

I don’t believe it!

Ramón!

Yes, I rather like that. Womb-mates. Yes. Ha ha.

After 20 years. I can’t believe it! Ramón!

Ramón 20 years ago,

When father decided I wasn’t quite masculine enough,

So he shipped me off to sea in that british frigate.

They say the navy makes men.

Well, I’m living proof. They made me.

Paco, take the horse from my brother.

Pronto!

Jou says jou was Ramón.

Jou no Ramón Vega no more?

No, no. I’ve disinherited that latin tradition.

I’m Bunny Wigglesworth now.

I can’t believe it.

My brother’s just so different.

Still the same, aren’t you?

Still tanned, bland, and, uh--

Romantic, huh?

No, no. I was about to say randy.

How’d you hurt your foot, then,

Falling off a tavern maid?

No. I--I broke it

Fighting against tyrannies and injustices

for the children and pipples

and for the little babies and the--

I’m sure it’s all quite an amusing little story,

But I ought to freshen up

and say heigh-ho to the old gent.

Tell me, is he still as ever?

No.

The last month, he’s been very... quiet.

"This sword,

"With which to fight injustice.

"This mask,

"With which to deceive tyranny.

"And this hat, which needs reblocking.

"Wear them with honor, for in time of need,

"It is the destiny of the Vega men to become...

Zorro."

Zorro?!

Our father was a very great leader of the pipples.

Leader of what?

The pipples.

The poor and trodden-down pipples.

It is my destiny.

Except it’s going to be another month

Before I can walk or ride,

and by then I’m afraid there’s not gonna be

Much of the pipples left to lead.

Yes, well, that’s hard cheese, dear boy.

I wish I could lend a hand.

That letter...

Was meant for both of us.

I cannot be Zorro...

But you can!

Me?

You wish me to be Zorro?

Oh!

You mean to wear that drab little costume

and trot about

Picking fights with total strangers?

Destiny.

Yes, it’s all very well to say,

But I don’t fight.

Well, surely you fence?

I never learned.

Well, then you should.

A bit crass, I’m afraid.

How do you defend yourself?

Well, actually,

I’m not all that bad with a whip. Hmm!

Yes, I can just imagine. Me--Zorro. Ha ha ha!

Ramón. Ha ha ha ha!

Uh, Bunny.

Bunny.

Bunny: Very well, then. You may look now.

Well, what do you think?

I’m speechless.

Don’t you think it’s a trifle plain?

No. It’s very classic.

But there is something that is not right.

All I know is his juevos are absolutely excruciating.

How do you keep your boyish figure then, hmm?

I think I know what the problem is.

There is something wrong with his bowels.

My what?

Jou’re bowels.

The way you say

Your R's, your E's, and your ju's.

I don’t think you realize it,

But jou have a very bad accent.

and I do not think the pipple will believe

that he is really Zorro.

What if I talked very slow...

[Imitating Diego] and make my voice sound like dis.

Now would the pipples believe me?

I think I’ve got you.

[Effeminate voice] help, help!

The Alcalde’s got all my money.

[As Diego] don’t jou fear.

El Zorro is here.

But I’m afraid this costume’s not to my taste.

If I am going to be this Zorro chappy,

I want to make more of a statement.

I want the world to recognize...

Zorro, the gay blade!

Your tax is 10 pesos!

Next.

Jou are next, Señor.

Shit.

Whoo! Whoo! Ah, ha ha!

Not you again!

Zorro! Aah!

and now...

Is the time for jou to pay your taxes.

Everything! All of it!

Poor pipples, peasants...

Do not despair!

Tax relief is on its way!

[Cheering]

and I spell relief...

"Z"...

"O"...

"R"...

"R"...

"O"!

Zorro! Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Zorro! Whoo!

Zorro! Zorro!

[Cheering]

Zorro!

and he wore what?

Plum.

He wore a fruit?

No, excellency.

He was dressed entirely in plum.

Everything matched.

and he talked differently from the first time he robbed me.

Yes?

He sounded like a...

Poof.

Excellency! I’ve been robbed!

By Zorro!

He was dressed in yellow like a big banana!

Aha!

I think he is trying to tell me something.

First a plum,

then a banana.

¡Alcalde! ¡Alcalde!

Yes?

Something terrible has happened.

I know. Just tell me what he wore.

Green.

Like a lime?

Like an avocado.

Aha!

Two fruits, and now a vegetable.

Actually, avocado is a fruit, excellency.

Uh, no. You’re right.

Two fruits, one vegetable.

Excellency!

What did he wear? ¡Dígame¡

Red.

Red like an apple, or red like a radish?

Red like a rose.

Aha!

Two fruits...

One vegetable...

and one flower.

¡Alcalde! ¡Alcalde!

¿Sí?

I’ve been robbed by a bandit.

He dressed like... like a salad.

¿Ensalada?

Yes.

¿Con tomate?

Rabanitos y pepinos.

[Caballerosall talking at once]

Quiet!

¡Cállate!

¡Cállate!

¡Silencio!

"One salad...

three fruit..."

[Whistles]

Caballeros...

I promise you from my heart

that I will capture this terrible culprit!

Hah.

But in the meanwhile,

Any landowner...

Whose taxes are stolen...

Must make up the difference

From his own pocket!

[Talking all at once]

Hey! Hey!

Hey, hold off! Stop!

Aah!

Luis Obispo,

You have a motion to make?

I vote we elect a new Alcalde.

Hut!

[Crowd cheering]

¡Cállate!

¡Silencio!

and remember, my pipples,

There is no shame in being poor--

Only dressing poorly!

[Cheering]

Zorro.

A small donation to your cause.

Thank you.

I know it must be very boring

for you to hear all the time

How wonderful you are.

But I must tell you

that I admire you, too.

Your style...

Your daring...

and you seem so much freer than most men,

So...

Comfortable with yourself.

It’s the way these pants are cut.

You--you don’t feel so constrained.

and even though we’ve hardly ever spoken...

I feel that we’re partners in this great revolution.

Anything...

that you would ask me to do...

I would do gladly.

Anything.

I know...

We can go shopping together.

There’s a... a new shipment

Of, uh... satins from España,

Colognes from Cologne,

and corsets from Corsica.

You can trust me.

Indeed.

Me?

A man who wears a mask.

I know I sound absurd.

Absurd...

and ridiculous.

But that is what love does to a woman.

It makes her comical...

Extravagant...

Willing to say or do anything...

to please her man.

How grand.

Perhaps next time.

Well, did you, uh, see her?

Ohh, yes.

What did you, uh, think?

Well, I...

She is... intelligent,

Uh, sensitive,

Dedicated.

In short...

Not for you.

I cannot help it.

She is the woman of my drims.

Yes, well, why don’t you look at it this way:

In 50 years,

She’ll be just another toothless old hag.

50 years with her

Would be a lifetime with anyone else.

Yes, well, she is...

Awfully sweet.

and it was terribly nice of her

to offer herself to me.

She...

Offered herself...

to jou?

Well... perhaps "offered"

Isn’t quite the right phrase.

Shall we say that she...

She...

"Threw herself."

Threw herself. Yes, that’s right.

Threw herself at me.

Oh, my brother.

How lucky you are!

If only I could have one night in your bootsies.

In my bootsies?

[Hoofbeats approaching]

Shh.

Diego! Wake up!

Diego: Esteban.

Esteban.

Out. Out.

Don Diego.

Capitán Esteban.

Perdón Excelencia.

My humble home

Is honored by your presence.

My tables, my chairs, my rugs,

and, uh...

Your cane?

Mi amigo...

You have injured yourself?

Oh, no, no, no.

Do not concern yourself.

One cannot be too careful

With this Zorro fellow running about.

Sí.

Tengo cuidado mucha precaución.

My old compatriot,

My heart is heavy to tell you

You’re amiss.

As always, my childhood playmate,

You are, uh, correcto.

Forgive me for this late visit, my friend.

Oh, please, please.

I have to talk to you.

Proceed.

I have come up with a plan...

A plan? Tell me.

To smoke out this Zorro once and for all.

I’m going to shoot one peasant a day

Until he gives himself up.

Don’t you think it’s cruel and heartless

Even for you, your Excelencia?

What if I just wounded one peasant a day?

Mmm...

Ay-yi-yi. You are right.

I am not thinking clearly.

Ay.

This Zorro has me loco.

Hut!

Fruit, sir?

Mira.

Here is the latest wanted poster.

For the first time...

we have a drawing of this...

Ha, swishbuckler.

Very good.

Santa María.

What is it?

This drawing.

Does it not remind you of anyone?

Zorro.

Of course it’s Zorro.

Anyone else.

No.

Who does it remind jou of?

The shallow eyes, the shape of the head...

The arrogant expression...

I’m sorry to say, my friend...

Reminds me of you.

No, no, no, no.

No?

I do not see that.

My, uh... my eyes are much deeper,

and my expression is much more arrogant.

I am not so sure.

Say something like a sissy boy.

Something like a sissy boy.

You know what I mean.

Lisp!

Like disss.

Sss.

Sss. Sss.

Ssswing...

Your hipsss. ¡Vaya!

Swing...

Your hipsss.

¡Vaya!

Ha ha. Good.

Now...

Flap...

Your wrists.

Flap your wrists.

and now say,

"You naughty, evil Alcalde!"

Diga!

"You naughty, evil Alcalde!"

"I’m going to do some..."

"I’m going to do some..."

"Terrible thing..."

"Terrible thing..."

"To you!" "To jou!"

Aah!

What am I saying?

[Sighs]

Mi amigo.

You know,

You’re the only friend I have.

I know this Zorro is somewhere close.

I... I can almost smell him.

[Dog barking]

Who is this?

Who’s what?

This man in the orange cape!

I do not see nobody.

Esteban: Stop!

Stop!

¡Alto!

Stop!

Stop, bandit!

This man here!

Stop! I say to you, stop!

Who are you? Who is this man?

That is brother Ramón,

A humble Padre who has stopped here to rest.

A Padre?

Tell me, father,

What order commands its priests

to wear such strange clothes?

We are followers of Peter the dressmaker--

He who was christ’s tailor.

A dressmaker?

Is that so?

But, father, I have heard

that many of your brethren in the church

Are actually sissy boys.

and I’ve heard that the Alcalde

Is actually a trained gorilla.

But who would believe such nonsense?

Well, it’s, uh, late, Padre.

We do not wish to detain jou no further,

So good night.

You’re most kind, me son.

Padre!

Pray for me.

Pray that soon...

I will be face to face with this Zorro.

Por favor, Padre.

Muchas gracias.

Gracias, Padre.

O heavenly Peter...

Both: O heavenly Piter...

He who sews and knits...

Both: He who knits and sews...

So that we may follow in his fashion...

So that we may follow in his fashion...

Let this simple, inane man...

Let this simple, inane man...

Find what he seeks.

Find what he seeks.

Thank you very much.

Now, if you’ll be so kind as to pray for 10 seconds.

I’ll pray for 10 seconds.

Uno...

Dos...

Tres...

Cuatro...

Cinco, seis...

Siete...

Ocho...

Ocho y medio...

Nueve...

Nueve y medio...

Diez.

Uh, Padre, with your permission,

I would like to make to you...

A small donation, if I may,

to your order.

[Hoofbeats]

Your horse and your gold are gift enough.

The pipples thank you, your repugnancy.

Aah!

Now you mock the church!

Now you have me and god against you!

Me, too!

Fruitcake!

Oh, Esteban,

Please!

Can we have a masked ball?

I want a new masked ball

for my pretty new necklace.

What, are you loco?!

Aah!

The peons are starving!

Are yelling for my blood!

Yes.

If I have a masked ball to show off your necklace...

He... to just...

Ha!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Zorro could not possibly resist

Trying to steal it!

Exactly.

Ah!

Exactly.

Brilliant bait

to catch a flaming bandit.

♪ Dat ya dat ta ♪

♪ Dat ta ya dat dat ♪

It’ll be so wonderful.

It’ll be the social event of the season.

Stop. Hmmph.

Do you know that little thing...

We do...

One night...

Every year?

Yes.

Oh, yes.

We still have three months to go.

You beast!

[Humming]

Hail to caesar.

You look ridiculous.

Gracias, Señor.

All right!

Listen to me!

We all know that the Zorro is tricky. ¿Sí?

But we have one advantage.

We have the necklace.

So...

He must, under any circumstances, come to us.

Now, what I want is four soldiers

Surrounding my wife at all times.

¿Comprenden?

Bueno.

What are you waiting for? There she is.

Hut!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hut!

Hut!

Esteban!

Esteban: Yes?

I don’t like this!

Good.

Now, remember to stay alert.

He is cunning.

He is crafty.

He is not just going to walk in here

and say, "here I am."

Here I am!

Aaahhh!

¡Santa María!

What are you waiting for?!

Here he is! Arrest him,

Pronto!

What’s happening here?

I’ll tell you something!

I am almost disappointed.

[Laughs]

I had anticipated a greater game

Of cat and mooses.

¡Venga!

¡Ahora, pronto!

At last to expose you, you pilfering pansy!

Don Diego?

Ohh...

But he can’t be Zorro.

No.

Diego,

Tell him you’re not Zorro.

Don’t be silly.

I’m wearing this costume on your request.

What do you mean, my request?

I do not understand.

Well, yesterday at my house a servant came

and said that it would be your pleasure

that I come to your party dressed as Zorro.

Of course, I thought it was in slightly bad taste,

But after all, jou are the Alcalde.

Diego, I made no such request.

Then who?

Here I am.

Esteban: Here he is!

You rogue renegade! Ha ha!

What is the meaning of this?

Don Jose, you are Zorro?

Of course not. I got the message--

Here I am!

Here he is! Aha! You...

Ha!

Don Francisco?

You are Zorro?

Here I am!

Here he is! Aah!

Luis, I know you.

Ah, ha ha!

Now, this is what I call a Zorro!

Ha ha!

This is not Zorro.

I want Zorro!

[All chatting at once]

[Playing Greensleeves]

Don’t you dare--ohh!

Oh... my...

You’re turning like idiots. Hello. How are you?

Vaya.

Ay, I know he will be here.

Zorro would not miss this opportunity to humiliate me.

I hope you are right, excellency.

Excelencia.

Yeah?

May I introduce my cousin

Margarita Wigglesworth from Santa Barbara.

Margarita, the esteemed Alcalde.

Great honor, Señor Calde.

Or may I call you Al?

You may call me anything you wish...

My large blond dove.

[Kisses hand]

Come.

Let us dance.

Oh!

Señorita Wigglesworth.

Uh... may I call you Wiggy?

You can call me anything you’d like

As long as you call me. Ha ha ha ha!

I tell you something, Wiggy.

It is not easy being Alcalde,

Even in the best of times,

and now especially with this Zorro.

Oh, yes, Zorro.

We’ve heard about him in Santa Barbara.

Someone’s even written

The nastiest little poem about him.

Ehhhh...

Well, if it’s nasty, I tell you something, Wiggy...

I’d love to hear it.

Well, now, if you insist.

I do.

It’s called Ode to a Bandit.

"His clothes are bold,

"His mind uncanny.

"Give him your gold,

Or he’ll whip your fanny."

[Laughing]

Esteban: Ah, yes.

People may laugh, but I will laugh last.

Soon I will have him.

I tell you, Wiggy,

I will be as close to him as I am to you,

and when that time comes, my petunia,

I will crush him in my mighty arms!

Whooh! You take my breath away.

Oh, whatever did I say?

Aah!

[Laughing]

This is ridiculous.

I’m so embarrassed.

Calm yourselves!

Oh. Diego.

These swords.

How are you enjoying the party?

I’m having a miserable time.

With these buffoons surrounding me

At all times, nobody can get close enough to me

to see my new necklace. Isn’t it beautiful?

Oh, I can see it.

It looks like it would buy the pipples a lot of houses,

Maybe even some schools and roads.

Roads? What do the people need roads for?

They never go anywhere.

Thank you.

[Laughing]

May I serve you, sir?

For Margarita.

Four Margaritas.

Diego: Dear cousin.

I would like you to meet lovely wife

and her beautiful necklace.

Come meet her.

Whooh!

You clumsy cow!

Look what you’ve done!

A thousand pardons, Señora.

Don’t you touch me!

Oh!

Get out of my way. Ruining my dress.

Let me help you.

This is one place you can’t go with me.

But I can. Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my god. Not you again.

Stay away from me!

You’ve done enough damage.

I don’t think it’ll stain,

But if it does, cheap is cheap.

You horrid, wretched woman!

Oh, what lovely skin you’ve got.

You must stay out of the sun.

If you don’t stop touching me, I shall have you destroyed.

Stop it! Stop it!

Aah!

Your cousin is not a woman.

She is a goddess.

Oh... I feel faint.

Well, sit down now.

We’ll get a little air here.

Oh, I hate masked balls.

Don’t you hate masked balls?

If one has balls, why mask them?

You wretch.

Get some air now.

Take deep breaths.

Deep breaths. That’s it.

Guards!

Deep breaths. That’s it.

[Laughing]

Ohh...

I don’t know how some women let themselves get so large.

It’s disgusting.

Disgusting.

Where is, uh, wigg--well...

Your neck.

Did that woman bruise me?

She’s got hands like a gorilla.

Neck! Neck!

Neck! Neck!

Neck! Neck!

Zorro!

Your cousin?

Santa María.

How could I have been so deceived?

You? I promised to take him on a picnic.

Well done, my brother.

Now what?

In Two days, my ship sails for England.

Tell Esteban he can write Wiggy

Care of the royal navy, portsmouth.

But only if he’s serious.

My brother, jou like nobody else.

What am I gonna do without you?

Now that your foot’s healed,

Why don’t you deliver this bauble

to Charlotte Taylor Wilson?

and give her my love.

Or better yet...

Yours.

But it’s jou that she loves.

No.

Zorro she loves.

[Horse snorts]

I’ll never forget the look in her eyes

When she said love had made her absurd,

Ridiculous, comical...

Had made her willing to do anything

to please her man.

She said that to you?

Said it? Sink me.

She almost sang it.

I must go to--

You--you’ve done more than--

Thank you very much.

I must try that line myself sometime.

I’m absurd, ridiculous,

Comical, extravagant.

No.

Who’d ever believe that of me? Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Giggling]

This is your revolution...

Your independence.

I can’t do it for you.

Some nights are better for romance...

Than revolution.

It’s very sultry tonight.

I’ve never seen--

Mmm... this isn’t for me.

It’s for the people.

It looks better on you.

After all, you’re a person, too.

and...

A woman.

You’re hot.

Get a little water. Don’t feel too good?

Ohh...

Diego.

Diego?

You know it’s me?

Yes.

How long you know?

From the start, I think.

At first, I thought there were Two of you.

Well, you see,

At the beginning I had a little--

But then I realized

It was just Two sides of one man

Who is changing.

You are the reason for the change.

and now I know it is permitted

for a man to be... bulnerable.

It’s vulnerable. Vulnerable.

Bulnerable.

Vul-- vulnerable.

Vulnerable. Mmm.

That’s got it.

I love you, Charlotte Taylor Wilson,

Even if you are a little crazy.

and I love you, Don Diego Vega,

Even if you are a little rich.

[Dog barking]

Señor Zorro!

The soldiers!

Soldiers. You must go.

Go.

Not for long.

and when I return,

We will not have to worry how to pronounce,

Uh, uh, vir--

Virgin!

Virgin!

[Dog barking]

Soldier: Stop! Halt!

and with mine own eyes,

I saw Zorro give her your wife’s necklace.

If you arrest the blond Señorita,

Then the Zorro will come to you.

I should have thought of that myself.

Muchas gracias.

It is an honor to be of service

to your excellency.

Do not mention it, please.

Of course, I wouldn’t expect a reward

Until he is captured.

Reward? I see.

In the meanwhile, your excellency,

I live with my mother and three sisters

and three brothers, your excellency.

I pray for a small room of my own.

Your prayers are answered.

Lock him up in solitary!

No, your excellency!

I want no reward!

She loves me.

She loves me.

She loves me.

Paco, where have you been?

Calm down, Paco.

I cannot see what you’re saying.

Esteban?

Esteban’s men...

Have gone...

To arrest...

Charlotte Taylor Wilson.

Santa María!

[Ringing]

So this is what you’ve stooped to--

Murdering innocent women.

Look. Just between us,

There’s not going to be any woman shot.

This is just a plan of mine to get Zorro.

Idiot.

Do you really think Zorro’s going to sacrifice his own life

Just to save that blond, skinny puta?

I know from my heart he will.

Oh, how romantic.

Would you sacrifice your life for me?

Please don’t make me laugh.

My stomach is upset already.

[Crow caws]

[Drumming stops]

Do you--

[Drumming resumes]

[Drumming stops]

Do you wish--

[Drumming resumes] cut!

Do you wish for a blindfold?

No.

The eyes of freedom

Will always see through the blindfolds of tyranny,

and the bonds of oppression

Will always be broken

by the muscles of liberty.

[Crowd murmurs]

The people are very restless,

Your excellency.

I wouldn’t wait too much longer.

Lady killer.

Soldier: Squad, attention!

Padre, please pray

that Zorro is delivered to me pronto. ¿Sí?

Your prayers are answered, Excelencia.

I knew it.

[Drumroll] ’tention!

[Drumroll]

Stop them.

No. I know you will not kill an innocent man...

Or me, either, for that matter.

Soldier: Aim!

Release her, and I’m yours.

¡Alto!

I have always depended

On people being nicer than me,

and I have never in my life been disappointed.

Guards, untie her!

He is among us!

Has promised you Zorro!

[Crowd gasps]

Zorro!

[Crowd cheers]

Your Alcalde

has brought you Zorro!

[Crowd cheers]

Crowd: Zorro!

Zorro! Zorro!

Muchas gracias!

and now...

for the unmasking.

I ask the Alcalde for one condition!

The requests are mine now, Zorro, not yours!

Out of respect for my family,

I do not wish to be unmasked publicly.

Sí. Sí.

[Crowd clamors]

They say the Alcalde is heartless and cruel,

But he respects the last wish of a current adversary.

No! No!

No! No!

Bring down the girl!

Tie him up.

Pronto, tie him.

You’re the bravest man I have ever met.

I’m very impressed with myself, too.

Isn’t he marvelous?

He wears clothes well.

I could never get into his pants.

I bet I could.

Sergeant!

Read the charges!

"Zorro, the bandit, for crimes against the pipples

"And against the country and against the state,

"The city, and the village,

"You are sentenced to be executed

Until you are dead."

No!

I have only one regret.

One? I have one for every day I’m not going to live.

That you will not live

to see the glorious revolution

that you have brought about.

Ready arms!

Why she don’t say something like,

"I’m going to love you forever"?

Why she don’t say that?

Aim!

I will love you forever!

Bunny: Two bits,

Four bits, six bits, a peso.

All for Zorro,

Stand up and say so. Ha ha ha ha!

[Crowd cheering]

I’m thinking you’ll never be able to do this by yourself.

What are you talking about? I was doing fine.

Fine, silly boy?

Another second and you’d have five bullets in you.

Admit it. You just love the attention.

Actually, I had this outfit, and I thought to myself,

"Where might I possibly wear it?"

Zorro!

Zorro!

Zorro! Zorro!

Diego: Where are they getting all these men?

Bunny: Actually, I rather like the odds, myself.

Whoo! Whoo! Ha ha ha!

Diego: You do? You must be betting on them.

How can there be Two of you?

You always said when the revolution came,

There’d be more for everyone.

Get Zorro!

Get Zorro!

Esteban: Guards, I want the names of everyone

Who has a stick.

That old lady, I want her name!

Guards! Arrest everybody!

Hut!

[Rooster crows]

Florinda.

At least I know will not desert me.

¿Sí?

Well, I’m glad to see you’re finally

Developing a sense of humor, Esteban.

Excuse me.

Soldier: Hut!

[Horse whinnies]

Well, you have had your revolution. And now?

Now I thought maybe I’d do something

About increasing the number of voters

in this country.

That means you will do much... traveling, no?

No.

I thought maybe I’d do it by settling down,

Getting married, and having much kids.

I am goin’ to give you the biggest wedding

You have ever had.

Diego: What you like for a wedding present?

Charlotte: For myself, nothing.

But I thought for the people,

You might donate your land.

Again my land for the pipples?

If we give away my land,

Where you think we gonna live?

Boston.

Boston?

It’s really the only civilized city:

The best food, the best art, the best music.

The best music? You got to be joking.

I spent a week in Boston once,

and I don’t think I heard a decent mariachi player

In the city.