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1
00:00:01,936 --> 00:00:04,870
Thanks for washing my hair
this morning, shower buddy.
2
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:07,473
Ooh. My pleasure.
3
00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,109
Maybe next time
I'll get in the shower with you.
4
00:00:11,846 --> 00:00:14,346
Well, if you don't, I will.
5
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,851
And I know what to do
with a naked black woman.
6
00:00:21,022 --> 00:00:22,588
Respectfully.
7
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:26,125
Man, I got to hear these
two hooking up every night.
8
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:29,561
It's mostly Justin just saying,
"I'll do better next time."
9
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:32,398
Just relax.
10
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,134
Also, I meant what I said...
I'll do better next time.
11
00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,469
Let's go.
12
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,840
I forgot how much
I hate "relationship Justin."
13
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:45,044
I don't like seeing Justin
with another woman, either.
14
00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:47,713
Go ahead... tell them.
15
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,481
Um...
16
00:00:49,483 --> 00:00:52,317
I have a huge crush on Justin.
17
00:00:52,319 --> 00:00:54,987
All right, look... somebody
needs to help Candace right now.
18
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:59,258
She doesn't know what "huge"
and "crush" or "Justin" means.
19
00:01:00,761 --> 00:01:03,729
Oh. My neck is killing me
right now.
20
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,165
Do you know what it might be?
21
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:09,735
[ Grunts ] This arrow
that cupid shot into me.
22
00:01:10,738 --> 00:01:14,306
It's really cool that
you and Lauren are clicking.
23
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,141
I mean, she's everything
you're not...
24
00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:18,210
She's confident, sexy,
she has a chin.
25
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,948
Danny, it's okay.
26
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:25,184
You'll find someone someday.
27
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,421
Lauren and I haven't even been
together two weeks, all right?
28
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,691
But it's exciting.
She's fun, she's creative...
29
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,594
But I understand that it
pisses you off when I'm happy.
30
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,629
So, for you,
I'll try to tone it...
31
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:40,099
Ow, cupid!
32
00:01:40,101 --> 00:01:44,036
What is wrong with you?
You're crazy. [ Chuckles ]
33
00:01:44,038 --> 00:01:47,606
Could you throw this arrow away
for me, Candace? Thank you.
34
00:01:49,477 --> 00:01:52,711
He's the sexiest guy
I've ever seen.
35
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:55,314
Hey, Candace, can I borrow
that arrow there for a second?
36
00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,682
Yeah. Thank you.
37
00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:59,885
[ Imitating Japanese ]
38
00:02:09,363 --> 00:02:10,762
[ Grunts ]
39
00:02:10,764 --> 00:02:13,098
[ Imitating Japanese continues ]
40
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,710
¶ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ¶
41
00:02:28,983 --> 00:02:31,083
honey, you forgot your phone.
42
00:02:31,085 --> 00:02:32,417
Thanks, dad.
43
00:02:32,419 --> 00:02:33,619
All right. See you later.
44
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:35,387
Bye.
45
00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,623
Whoa. Was that papa bear?
46
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:40,225
Was that the notorious d.A.D.?
47
00:02:40,227 --> 00:02:43,829
Oh, are we doing
rapper dad names?
48
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,631
Snoop daddy dad.
49
00:02:46,901 --> 00:02:49,501
Will.I.Am your father.
50
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,237
I'm sorry, this happens.
51
00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:54,640
I mean, one day,
we did hip-hop candy bars.
52
00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:56,108
It went on for days.
53
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,242
Luda-Twix.
54
00:02:57,244 --> 00:02:59,978
Don't.
55
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,381
Listen, why didn't you introduce
me to your father?
56
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,183
It's not you. Okay?
57
00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,952
My dad's a judge,
so he's kind of intimidating.
58
00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,689
Your dad's a judge, huh?
59
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,058
Well, permission
to approach the bench.
60
00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:15,694
I want him at dinner tonight,
7:00 P.M., my place.
61
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,930
Tonight? Mm.
62
00:03:17,932 --> 00:03:20,299
Fine. Dinner tonight. I'll go tell him.
All right.
63
00:03:28,342 --> 00:03:32,110
Dude, you're so annoying.
64
00:03:32,112 --> 00:03:34,079
You've been dating her
for two weeks.
65
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,014
Why do you just got to move
so fast?
66
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:38,083
Brett: In college, we called him
"lord of the rings,"
67
00:03:38,085 --> 00:03:39,918
because he gave a promise ring
68
00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,222
to any hideous, hairy-footed
hobbit that said yes to dinner.
69
00:03:43,224 --> 00:03:45,857
Whatever, all right?
Lauren's dad's gonna love me.
70
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,727
Interesting fact... every girl
I've ever dated's father
71
00:03:48,729 --> 00:03:50,696
still stays in touch with me.
72
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,265
Uh, hey, yeah,
guinness book of world records?
73
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:56,501
Uh, yeah, I have the most boring
fact of all time for you.
74
00:03:59,139 --> 00:04:01,440
Yeah, it's the same guy.
75
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,845
You want to talk smack, Danny?
Let me tell you something.
76
00:04:06,847 --> 00:04:09,147
I might not always know
how to please a woman,
77
00:04:09,149 --> 00:04:11,483
but I do know
how to please a father.
78
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,052
That makes two of us.
79
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:17,723
Let me ask you this question...
80
00:04:17,725 --> 00:04:19,558
Has any girlfriend's father
ever liked you?
81
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,059
In high school,
Stacey Cooper's dad loved me.
82
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:22,327
Took me on a family trip
to Mexico.
83
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:24,830
And then left you there.
84
00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:26,331
Okay. Silver lining...
85
00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:28,634
It really helped me Ace
senior-year Spanish,
86
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,637
or should I say
señor year Spanish.
87
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,842
Listen to me. I got all
the tools to make a dad love me.
88
00:04:36,844 --> 00:04:37,843
It's like,
what do I have in here?
89
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,244
What's that? Oh!
90
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:41,747
That's a firm handshake.
"Nice to meet you, sir."
91
00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:44,249
"Oh, nice grip
you got there, son.
92
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,418
Feel free to bang my daughter."
93
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:54,926
Hey, Candace, I need you.
94
00:04:54,928 --> 00:04:56,862
I need you, too.
95
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:58,530
What?
96
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:00,098
Oh! No, no, no.
97
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,234
I-I-i mean, I need you
to tell me what you want.
98
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:04,569
Or... or don't. You don't need
to tell me what you want.
99
00:05:04,571 --> 00:05:06,838
You know those old couples that
can just sit there in silence
100
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,907
and not say anything?
101
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:16,682
Anyway...
102
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:18,650
Yeah, I just...
103
00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,420
Wanted you to bring this beer
to Shelly, if you could.
104
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:24,222
You keep it real, Shaquille.
105
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,863
Was it just me or was that
incredibly embarrassing?
106
00:05:31,865 --> 00:05:33,332
Oh...
107
00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:34,866
Yes.
108
00:05:36,337 --> 00:05:40,305
Look, I think you and Justin
are perfect for each other.
109
00:05:40,307 --> 00:05:43,275
You're both so sweet
and adorably naive.
110
00:05:43,277 --> 00:05:45,444
Yeah, it's true.
They both gave me 20 bucks
111
00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,280
to sponsor me for that
ironman triathlon for charity.
112
00:05:48,282 --> 00:05:50,115
Oh, yeah, that's right.
How did that go?
113
00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:52,050
I won.
114
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:58,023
Yeah, well,
he's dating Lauren, so...
115
00:05:58,025 --> 00:06:02,627
It's not serious yet.
Justin does move fast.
116
00:06:02,629 --> 00:06:04,730
Candace,
life is full of windows.
117
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,865
If you really care
about someone,
118
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,634
you have to let them know how
you feel before it's too late.
119
00:06:09,636 --> 00:06:11,436
I love you.
120
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:15,307
Guys, you saw me with Justin...
121
00:06:15,309 --> 00:06:17,943
I'm horrible at letting
a guy know I'm interested.
122
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:19,311
Just throw him some vibe.
123
00:06:19,313 --> 00:06:21,446
Pay him a compliment
in a sexy voice.
124
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:23,148
I don't know how to do that.
125
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:26,551
Just talk...
[Deep voice] Low and slow.
126
00:06:28,255 --> 00:06:31,456
You guys know, like,
a good flower for dinner?
127
00:06:31,458 --> 00:06:33,125
[ Deep voice ]
I love your pants.
128
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,167
T-minus two hours
until dinner with Lauren's dad,
129
00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:44,469
which means t-minus
2 hours and 20 minutes
130
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:46,905
until he
starts calling me "son."
131
00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,141
Followed by "of a bitch."
132
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:53,812
Look, this is
really complicated, man.
133
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:57,082
I know you think you're
the dad whisperer here, okay,
134
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,017
but, uh, I don't know, man.
135
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,652
I don't think you're ready
for this culture clash.
136
00:07:00,654 --> 00:07:02,888
You're gonna crash and burn.
Why? Because I'm white?
137
00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:04,589
Can't we live
in a world without color?
138
00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:08,560
Yeah, I don't think you're gonna
solve racism before dinner.
139
00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,997
Danny's right.
Culture clash is real.
140
00:07:11,999 --> 00:07:15,434
My boyfriend, Mike, is latino, and
the first thing his mom said to me
141
00:07:15,436 --> 00:07:17,936
is that my hips were too narrow
to have his babies.
142
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:20,839
What'd you say? Gracias.
143
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:23,842
The first white girl
I ever dated
144
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,044
told me a whole bunch
of crazy white-girl stuff.
145
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:30,081
Like yoga, recycling...
146
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,685
That's about it.
147
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,687
Yeah, you know,
when there's a cultural clash,
148
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,089
you just got to roll with it,
whether it's language, food,
149
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:41,526
sense of humor... Oh, yeah. Humor's a
big one. I dated an Asian girl once,
150
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,261
and she laughed like
she had a secret, like...
151
00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,263
[ Giggling ]
152
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:48,200
Oh, uh, and then I dated
a black girl,
153
00:07:48,202 --> 00:07:50,635
and her dad laughed crazy, man.
154
00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:52,070
Black dudes
are the best laughers,
155
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:53,271
'cause they don't just laugh;
They relocate.
156
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:54,573
You know, you'll tell a joke,
157
00:07:54,575 --> 00:08:00,545
and then they'll be like,
"ohhhhhhhhh!"
158
00:08:00,547 --> 00:08:03,882
Uh, I actually made her dad
laugh so hard
159
00:08:03,884 --> 00:08:06,818
that, one time,
he drove to las Vegas.
160
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,820
I think it's cute
that you want to help me,
161
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:10,555
but I'm gonna tell you
the same thing
162
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:12,491
I told the girl
I lost my virginity to...
163
00:08:12,493 --> 00:08:15,060
I really think
I know how this works.
164
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:19,865
Now, if you don't mind, I'm
gonna go bake my famous muffins.
165
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:22,133
Still have to pick up some
of the secret ingredients
166
00:08:22,135 --> 00:08:23,502
that make them oh, so sweet.
167
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,003
So I'm gonna go grab Lauren,
168
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,239
and then I'm gonna get myself
a little brown sugar.
169
00:08:27,241 --> 00:08:29,374
I'll worry about her dad later.
170
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:32,644
Oh. Hello, sir.
171
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:36,147
My daughter left her phone.
172
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:41,586
Here... here you go.
173
00:08:41,588 --> 00:08:43,388
Um, it's so nice
to finally meet you.
174
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,671
I-I... I'm looking forward
to tonight. [ Chuckles softly ]
175
00:08:46,827 --> 00:08:50,862
Maybe you should learn
a little respect.
176
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,230
Sure thing.
177
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,371
What was that about?
178
00:08:59,373 --> 00:09:01,907
Let's play a game
where you review
179
00:09:01,909 --> 00:09:05,610
what you just said to him,
and I'll watch your reaction.
180
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:08,313
Famous muffins.
181
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:09,748
Uh...
182
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,616
Get me a little brown sugar.
183
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:13,785
Oh, no. Oh, my god, no.
184
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,762
Moment of truth.
Wish me luck at dinner, guys.
185
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,030
[ Plucks chord ]
186
00:09:25,032 --> 00:09:27,299
Oh. What are you doing?
187
00:09:27,301 --> 00:09:29,935
Oh, I'm just working on a song
for a guy I like.
188
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,970
Oh. Can I hear it?
189
00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,638
Okay.
190
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,206
Um...
191
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,275
¶ I'm right here ¶
192
00:09:37,277 --> 00:09:38,810
¶ you don't see ¶
193
00:09:38,812 --> 00:09:42,213
¶ telling you is up to me ¶
194
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:47,819
¶ I hope I tell you just-in... ¶
195
00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:50,288
¶ time ¶
196
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,860
it's catchy.
197
00:09:55,862 --> 00:09:57,696
Well, who's it for?
198
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,731
I mean, do we know this guy?
What's he like?
199
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,066
He's a giant idiot.
200
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:08,440
Um, he owns a bar and
is very sexually inexperienced.
201
00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:12,043
What's the song called?
202
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:13,511
Well, right now,
the song is called.
203
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:14,913
"I'd like you
even if my dad didn't"
204
00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,581
because I would never care
what he thought
205
00:10:16,583 --> 00:10:18,950
"because you're so awesome."
206
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,458
It's wordy.
207
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:30,061
But I like it.
208
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:35,600
¶ Baby,
let you know just-in... ¶
209
00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:38,737
¶ time ¶
210
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:45,710
my dad'll be here soon,
211
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:48,146
so I should get this out
of my system.
212
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:52,218
Aww.
213
00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:54,853
[ Mock vomits ]
214
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:56,655
Now, you both
are probably wondering
215
00:10:56,657 --> 00:10:58,790
what the theme
of tonight's dinner party is.
216
00:10:58,792 --> 00:11:01,626
Is it "sentences
I've never heard a male say"?
217
00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,461
No. It's "togetherness."
218
00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:07,298
For example, I'm making some
marble-cake muffins for dessert.
219
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:10,669
They're equal parts vanilla
and chocolate, like us.
220
00:11:11,605 --> 00:11:15,173
You made biracial muffins?
221
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,274
[ Knock on door ]
222
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,343
Hi, boys!
223
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,844
Shelly, what are you doing here?
224
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:22,113
Danny invited me.
He said there'd be dinner.
225
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,983
Plus, her dad's a judge, and
I'm not gonna miss the chance
226
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:27,485
to see the justice system
screw over a white guy.
227
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:31,556
What the hell are you doing?
You know how this is gonna look?
228
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:32,924
What are you talking about?
229
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:37,696
Well, Justin, you invited
your one black friend over
230
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:40,899
to show me that you're
"down with the homies."
231
00:11:42,703 --> 00:11:45,270
Oh. Now I see it.
232
00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,643
Dad, Shelly's only here
because of Danny.
233
00:11:51,645 --> 00:11:53,378
Danny: Really, Phil.
234
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,246
Uh, I'm the one
who invited Shelly, okay?
235
00:11:55,248 --> 00:11:57,649
Justin doesn't even like
black people in the house.
236
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,620
Danny!
237
00:12:02,622 --> 00:12:04,656
He's kidding.
Just calm down, son.
238
00:12:04,658 --> 00:12:07,325
Sir, Justin
is one of my best friends,
239
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,762
and I can assure you,
he is as kind as he is white.
240
00:12:10,764 --> 00:12:14,432
No one's that kind,
but I'll take your word for it.
241
00:12:14,434 --> 00:12:16,968
And, sir, I promise you...
I'll never put the words
242
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:18,837
"brown" and "sugar"
together again.
243
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:22,173
Yeah, he'll probably just say
"sugar of color."
244
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:25,076
[ Laughs ]
245
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,583
Did you guys see that?
246
00:12:32,486 --> 00:12:33,985
He just relocated.
247
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,654
I did what, now?
248
00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:39,758
N-nothing. It's just,
I heard that, you know, when...
249
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:45,330
[chuckles awkwardly] When black
people laugh, they relocate.
250
00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:47,732
Who would say that?
That's insane.
251
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:50,168
You know what? I'm... I'm fine
with that, though.
252
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,370
You can... I mean, you
can relocate wherever you want.
253
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,006
I'm for it. Not that
I'm for relocation of... okay.
254
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:58,109
What I mean is, you can live wherever
you want. You can be whoever you...
255
00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,678
In any neighborhood you live
your life, you do as you please.
256
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,782
I'm not saying... listen, you
could live here. I don't care.
257
00:13:03,784 --> 00:13:06,017
Come on in, you know? You can
live here... not that you would.
258
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,852
You're a judge. You probably
make a lot of money.
259
00:13:07,854 --> 00:13:09,954
I mean, I hope you do.
I mean, I preach...
260
00:13:09,956 --> 00:13:12,457
Not that I preach. Not that
there's anything wrong with...
261
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,925
You know what?
Who wants a drink?
262
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:15,293
You seem like a scotch man.
263
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,761
I've been sober for 25 years.
264
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:19,731
Outstanding. One day at a time.
265
00:13:19,733 --> 00:13:21,900
How did you two end up
together, anyway?
266
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:24,202
He swept me off my feet.
267
00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,939
Uh, you know, it was actually
partly Shelly's fault.
268
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,141
About a week ago, he hooked up
with a pretty white girl.
269
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:33,912
Shelly: Racial Karma.
270
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:39,050
I take one of theirs, and they
take one of ours in return.
271
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:41,219
Hey, guess who found
a ginger ale.
272
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,721
Thanks, Justin.
I... Love ginger ale.
273
00:13:43,723 --> 00:13:46,724
Awesome. Okay.
Uh, sir, let me just say,
274
00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:49,794
I know I've only been dating
your daughter
275
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,396
for a couple of weeks,
276
00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:53,364
but I already know
how special she is,
277
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,900
and I'm gonna do everything
I can to treat her right.
278
00:13:55,902 --> 00:14:00,305
Ah, this is getting boring.
I'm-a take off.
279
00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:02,140
I was actually thinking,
you know,
280
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:04,075
this morning,
when she woke up here,
281
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,578
I looked her in the eyes
and said,
282
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,346
"how can I make your dreams
come true today?"
283
00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:12,050
Mm-hmm. Yeah,
why would she wake up here?
284
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:15,920
Well, maybe I'll stick around.
285
00:14:17,924 --> 00:14:20,491
Dad, I-i-i just came over
for breakfast.
286
00:14:20,493 --> 00:14:22,994
Breakfast. She did.
That's exactly what she did.
287
00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,663
She came over for breakfast,
and then she got tired.
288
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,765
She took a nap.
[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
289
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,667
So it was
one of those breakfast naps.
290
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:32,704
Yes. Breakfast nap. [ Chuckles
awkwardly ] Yeah. Breakfast nap.
291
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:36,274
Yeah, he... he knows that
that's not a thing.
292
00:14:37,944 --> 00:14:40,511
You like naps, Justin?
293
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,848
You and my daughter are done.
294
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,650
[ Timer dings ]
295
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:47,919
Oh, your biracial muffins
are ready.
296
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:55,126
Guys, Justin's not picking up
on any of my hints.
297
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,262
Yeah, subtle hints
has never been Justin's thing.
298
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,697
That's why it was so easy for me
to stay in the closet in college.
299
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:02,133
You know, one time, he walked in
on me in a compromising position
300
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,468
with the captain
of the swim team.
301
00:15:03,470 --> 00:15:05,036
And I panicked, so I said,
302
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,372
"oh, the guy's giving me
a testicular-cancer check."
303
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:10,341
And then Justin was so freaked
out, he had him check him next.
304
00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:14,512
All right,
the time for hints is over.
305
00:15:14,514 --> 00:15:17,148
Okay, you have to tell Justin
how you feel.
306
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,050
Well, I did finish the song
I was working on.
307
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,685
I could play that for him.
308
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,520
Do you guys want to hear it?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
309
00:15:22,522 --> 00:15:26,891
Some dumb girl song is not
gonna pull on his heartstrings.
310
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,829
¶ I'm right here ¶
311
00:15:31,831 --> 00:15:33,731
¶ you don't see ¶
312
00:15:33,733 --> 00:15:37,402
¶ telling you is up to me ¶
313
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,470
¶ soundin' crazy ¶
314
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,005
¶ what I feel ¶
315
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:44,809
¶ but I know
what it's like to be ¶
316
00:15:44,811 --> 00:15:48,780
¶ fallin' into something ¶
317
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:52,583
¶ when it feels like lovin' ¶
318
00:15:52,585 --> 00:15:55,653
¶ I know I got to tell you,
Justin ¶
319
00:15:55,655 --> 00:16:00,425
¶ oh, Justin ¶
320
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:04,329
¶ I'm yours ¶
321
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:14,572
well?
322
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:23,014
[ Voice breaking ] That could
work. I don't... that's good.
323
00:16:26,953 --> 00:16:30,188
Hey, buddy, how are you?
What can I do to help?
324
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:32,090
I don't know.
You have a time machine
325
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:34,926
so I can go back and not invite
Lauren's dad to dinner?
326
00:16:34,928 --> 00:16:36,928
That's what you'd do
with a time machine?
327
00:16:38,665 --> 00:16:41,099
If I had one,
I'd go back and write "juicy"
328
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,701
on a pair of old sweat pants,
and I'd be rich.
329
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,006
If anybody needs me,
I'll be in my office,
330
00:16:48,008 --> 00:16:50,008
doing what I usually do
when I'm sad...
331
00:16:50,010 --> 00:16:53,244
Hitting up Old Navy online
and making some bad decisions.
332
00:16:54,581 --> 00:16:57,015
Wow. He's so crushed.
333
00:16:57,017 --> 00:17:00,585
On the other hand, song time.
334
00:17:01,554 --> 00:17:03,087
[ Ukulele strumming ]
335
00:17:03,089 --> 00:17:05,757
Hey. [ Strumming stops ]
336
00:17:05,759 --> 00:17:09,027
Is Justin around?
I just came to say goodbye.
337
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:10,128
All: Bye.
338
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,097
You know what?
Another thing you should know
339
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:14,632
is I have a very specific
face blindness
340
00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:16,534
when it comes to
ex-girlfriends of my buddies,
341
00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:20,772
so I'll be forgetting
who you are in three, two, one.
342
00:17:20,774 --> 00:17:23,441
Hey, how are you?
You come here often?
343
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,077
I know you guys are just
sticking up for Justin,
344
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,979
but my dad raised me himself.
345
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:30,615
I don't really have a choice.
346
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,383
No, you do, actually.
347
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:36,621
Lauren, who cares
what your dad thinks?
348
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,289
A friend of mine told me,
349
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,091
when it comes to love,
you have your windows in life,
350
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:42,593
and you got to take advantage
of them while they're there.
351
00:17:42,595 --> 00:17:47,832
I'm telling you this because
I care about Justin... A lot.
352
00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,635
So... This is your window.
353
00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:52,537
You just got to decide
if he's worth it.
354
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,907
Look, does anybody want
cargo shorts?
355
00:17:55,909 --> 00:17:57,742
They're on sale, two for one.
356
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,081
Lauren, why... why are you here?
357
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,124
Make the call.
358
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:18,162
Hey, guinness book
of world records?
359
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:21,666
Yeah, I've got
the saddest girl ever.
360
00:18:21,668 --> 00:18:25,002
Yeah. Same guy.
361
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,145
This is hard to watch.
362
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:37,381
And I sat through "50 shades
of grey" with my mom.
363
00:18:42,255 --> 00:18:45,423
I'm sorry.
I know it's hard to watch
364
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:47,125
the person you like
kiss someone else.
365
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:48,793
Yeah, it sucks.
366
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,661
But I did teach mo a new trick.
367
00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:54,665
Mo, go stop kiss. Go stop kiss!
368
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:57,602
Oh! Mo! Mo, oh.
Get this dog off, please.
369
00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:00,004
Please! Humping, humping.
Mo! Oh, bad dog.
370
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:01,472
Bad dog, mo.
371
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,508
Here's a treat.
372
00:19:03,510 --> 00:19:05,743
You can give me a treat,
and I'll happily bite Justin
373
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:08,813
every time
he kisses a black girl.
374
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:13,818
Can we just promise
not to be nice to her?
375
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,353
I got your back.
376
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:16,988
See you guys
when I get back from Oregon.
377
00:19:16,990 --> 00:19:18,623
Hey, les, they make great wine.
378
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,758
Do you want me to bring you
a case of Pinot?
379
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:23,794
[ Nastily ] Yes! You're
a lovely person. Thanks.
380
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:27,098
Well, since I live here
and work here,
381
00:19:27,100 --> 00:19:31,002
I get to see Justin all over her
24/7... so fun.
382
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,637
You know what
I was just thinking about?
383
00:19:32,639 --> 00:19:36,507
When you combine "Lauren"
and "Justin," you get "lustin'."
384
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:40,044
Well, do you know what
we were just thinking about?
385
00:19:40,046 --> 00:19:43,848
When you combine "Candace"
and "Justin,"
386
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:47,385
you get "jundace." [Jaundice]
387
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,987
Thank god we're not together,
388
00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:51,856
because that is
a deadly liver condition.
389
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:56,194
Okay, you guys, the craziest
thing just happened.
390
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,396
I was just minding
my own business,
391
00:19:58,398 --> 00:20:00,031
doing my morning ritual,
392
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,834
air-drying my hair by shaking
my head like this. Okay?
393
00:20:03,836 --> 00:20:05,870
You know how I do it, all right?
394
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,839
Then I heard gunshots.
You want to know what I did?
395
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,708
Well, since you're a white man,
396
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,743
I assume you walked
towards them?
397
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:17,915
Confident that you'd be
protected by your whiteness.
398
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,384
Then I see this bad guy...
Okay?... And he's got a gun.
399
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:22,887
And I don't even think. I just,
like, don't even process it.
400
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,489
I just kick, right?
I did two swift kicks.
401
00:20:25,491 --> 00:20:27,158
I hit him right in the neck,
like right there,
402
00:20:27,160 --> 00:20:29,727
and then I heard the director
yell "cut,"
403
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,330
and I realize I just
throat-kicked Liam neeson.
404
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,765
Yeah, I heard they were making
an action movie downtown.
405
00:20:34,767 --> 00:20:36,667
And thanks
to my natural charisma
406
00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,803
and precision ka-ra-te...
407
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:44,408
you're now looking
at Liam neeson's new co-star.
408
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,010
My name's "cop number four."
409
00:20:46,012 --> 00:20:48,246
My line is, "that's how we..."
that's how we do it.
410
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,680
That's how we do it.
That's how we do it.
411
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:52,817
"That's how we do it
in the j-squad!"
412
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:55,486
Cool. What's the movie called?
413
00:20:55,488 --> 00:20:57,121
The movie's called "k-squad."
414
00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,857
Everybody in j-squad gets killed
in the first 10 minutes.
415
00:21:04,364 --> 00:21:06,631
Is there a part in there for me,
maybe, in this movie?
416
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:10,968
There might be a part for you
if the j-squad starts attacking
417
00:21:10,970 --> 00:21:14,005
all the adults
who still shop at Old Navy.
418
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:21,846
Guys! So, you know
how it's super hard
419
00:21:21,848 --> 00:21:23,714
for me to be around Justin
all the time?
420
00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:27,351
Well, I've decided to get my own
place, and I have a great plan.
421
00:21:27,353 --> 00:21:29,287
I'm gonna win a house
in a contest.
422
00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:32,623
Did somebody just say "contest"?
423
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:33,891
You know,
if it's a singing contest,
424
00:21:33,893 --> 00:21:35,226
the two of us would be...
425
00:21:35,228 --> 00:21:40,865
Together: ¶ unstoppable ¶
426
00:21:40,867 --> 00:21:42,199
no, Justin!
427
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:44,135
Justin, I'm not
gonna harmonize with you
428
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:46,604
while your girlfriend's away...
I'm not that kind of girl!
429
00:21:49,575 --> 00:21:52,443
How exactly
does somebody "win" a house?
430
00:21:52,445 --> 00:21:54,478
Well, the city is fixing up
some abandoned neighborhoods.
431
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,047
To help market Detroit,
I convinced them
432
00:21:56,049 --> 00:21:58,649
to give a house away.
It's super-simple.
433
00:21:58,651 --> 00:22:01,285
You basically have to stand
outside and touch the house,
434
00:22:01,287 --> 00:22:03,487
and then the last person
left standing wins.
435
00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:06,490
It's a good story for Detroit.
I hope it'll go viral.
436
00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:10,361
If you want something to spread
virally, I'm your man.
437
00:22:12,632 --> 00:22:16,067
You should put a condom
on your mouth.
438
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:20,905
Candace, I like you
living upstairs.
439
00:22:20,907 --> 00:22:22,440
You don't have to move out.
440
00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,108
Sheesh, Justin,
441
00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:26,610
toss that thing in reverse
and back off a little bit.
442
00:22:26,612 --> 00:22:32,183
Beep... Beep...
Beep... Beep... Beep...
443
00:22:32,185 --> 00:22:34,585
Ow! Beep... Beep...
444
00:22:34,587 --> 00:22:37,888
Why does it feel like she's
throwing me a lot of shade?
445
00:22:37,890 --> 00:22:39,357
Is she mad at me?
446
00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:41,559
I don't know, man.
Maybe she just wants some space.
447
00:22:41,561 --> 00:22:42,993
Why don't you just chill?
448
00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:44,528
Chill?
449
00:22:44,530 --> 00:22:47,765
Danny, you chill white wine,
you chill seviche.
450
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:49,934
Occasionally,
you chill with the homies.
451
00:22:49,936 --> 00:22:51,902
Isn't that right, shell?
452
00:22:59,946 --> 00:23:02,580
[ British accent ] It's been way
too long, son. Way too long. Yeah.
453
00:23:02,582 --> 00:23:04,615
Who's that guy?
Some guy named Damon
454
00:23:04,617 --> 00:23:06,517
from, uh, Brett's hometown
in the u.K.
455
00:23:06,519 --> 00:23:09,520
Do you ever notice that when British
people are around each other,
456
00:23:09,522 --> 00:23:11,122
they sound even more British?
457
00:23:11,124 --> 00:23:13,057
Yeah, I'd give him
an old-school crash-bang-boosh,
458
00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:14,859
and I'm going, "shut up!
You mugging me up?!"
459
00:23:14,861 --> 00:23:16,627
Bish bash bosh. Crash bang!
460
00:23:16,629 --> 00:23:18,562
Wallop, son?!
461
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:19,864
That was gibberish.
We heard you.
462
00:23:21,601 --> 00:23:22,900
Don't worry, mate.
463
00:23:22,902 --> 00:23:25,770
You will meet
that lucky lady, son.
464
00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:27,371
All right, mate. All right, son.
465
00:23:27,373 --> 00:23:28,773
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
All right.
466
00:23:30,910 --> 00:23:32,777
Justin: Okay, quick question...
467
00:23:32,779 --> 00:23:36,714
Does he know that you're
not looking for a lucky lady
468
00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:39,850
unless she's standing next
to Benedict cumberbatch?
469
00:23:39,852 --> 00:23:43,120
Look, no one from my hometown
knows I'm gay, okay?
470
00:23:43,122 --> 00:23:45,222
And I only came out last year.
471
00:23:45,224 --> 00:23:47,691
And I left that place
when I was 18.
472
00:23:47,693 --> 00:23:51,028
If you're not out to everyone,
I mean, you're not out.
473
00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,564
Why does it matter? I'm not
going back to finchingfield.
474
00:23:53,566 --> 00:23:55,366
And Damon's
the first person I've seen
475
00:23:55,368 --> 00:23:57,201
since I left my hometown.
It's just...
476
00:23:57,203 --> 00:24:00,037
It is what it is, okay?
477
00:24:01,407 --> 00:24:03,841
Great house, les.
It's a great neighborhood.
478
00:24:03,843 --> 00:24:06,577
People come here to buy weed now
instead of crack.
479
00:24:06,579 --> 00:24:09,146
Hi, boys.
480
00:24:09,148 --> 00:24:10,714
Just out running my errands.
481
00:24:10,716 --> 00:24:12,149
Got some eggs and weed.
482
00:24:13,753 --> 00:24:15,553
He's making his favorite omelet.
483
00:24:15,555 --> 00:24:18,756
Guys, thank you so much
for coming to cheer me on.
484
00:24:18,758 --> 00:24:20,858
Of course. I'm gonna do
the cheer I do every night
485
00:24:20,860 --> 00:24:22,493
at the retirement home...
486
00:24:22,495 --> 00:24:25,729
"be alive! Be... be alive!"
487
00:24:25,731 --> 00:24:28,332
Oh, um, Justin,
you really don't need to stay.
488
00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:31,235
I know you're probably busy
at the bar and everything.
489
00:24:31,237 --> 00:24:33,270
Friendship's a full-time job,
490
00:24:33,272 --> 00:24:35,706
and I clocked in
the second we met.
491
00:24:35,708 --> 00:24:37,508
See, I'm kind of like spanx.
492
00:24:37,510 --> 00:24:39,610
I'm there to support you
wherever you need it.
493
00:24:39,612 --> 00:24:42,246
Yay...
494
00:24:42,248 --> 00:24:44,315
Hey, man, um...
495
00:24:44,317 --> 00:24:46,484
We already talked about this...
You have to stop
496
00:24:46,486 --> 00:24:48,986
comparing yourself
to female undergarments.
497
00:24:48,988 --> 00:24:51,422
Danny, I can't help it
if I'm the underwire bra
498
00:24:51,424 --> 00:24:53,491
that keeps this group
perky and alert.
499
00:24:54,460 --> 00:24:58,262
Hey, dumb-dumb.
Come to watch me win a house?
500
00:24:58,264 --> 00:25:00,364
Trent? Ugh!
501
00:25:00,366 --> 00:25:03,033
Oh, god,
it's her loser ex-boyfriend.
502
00:25:03,035 --> 00:25:06,003
If I enter the contest,
I could save Candace from Trent.
503
00:25:06,005 --> 00:25:07,505
In the amount of time
we'll spend together,
504
00:25:07,507 --> 00:25:08,839
I'll find out
why she's being weird.
505
00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,208
[ Chuckles ] I'm joining.
506
00:25:12,278 --> 00:25:14,211
Oh, this is a disaster.
507
00:25:14,213 --> 00:25:17,181
The only reason she's doing all
this is to get away from Justin.
508
00:25:17,183 --> 00:25:19,250
Yeah. It sucks.
509
00:25:20,486 --> 00:25:22,887
Well, I'm gonna run.
510
00:25:24,657 --> 00:25:27,625
I think I hear
an ice-cream truck coming.
511
00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:32,496
Good news, Candace...
Got the last spot.
512
00:25:32,498 --> 00:25:34,198
Looks like we're gonna ride this
out together.
513
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,567
Help me.
514
00:25:36,569 --> 00:25:37,935
Oh, come on, Danny.
515
00:25:37,937 --> 00:25:40,404
You're her friend.
She looks up to you.
516
00:25:40,406 --> 00:25:42,139
Come on, cop number four!
517
00:25:42,141 --> 00:25:44,642
Is this how they do it
in j-squad?
518
00:25:44,644 --> 00:25:48,312
No. Sounds more like k-squad.
519
00:25:54,153 --> 00:25:55,653
What the hell are you doing?
520
00:25:55,655 --> 00:25:57,821
Getting in the game.
521
00:25:57,823 --> 00:25:59,056
Everyone,
hands on the house now!
522
00:25:59,058 --> 00:26:00,157
[ Air horn blares ] Danny!
523
00:26:02,895 --> 00:26:04,295
Thank you.
524
00:26:04,297 --> 00:26:05,297
No problem, Candace.
525
00:26:08,801 --> 00:26:11,535
Don't worry, Danny.
We're here for you.
526
00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:20,444
Well, this got boring fast.
527
00:26:26,652 --> 00:26:28,886
Yo, girl, you know
you'll want me back
528
00:26:28,888 --> 00:26:31,322
once I'm a homeowner.
529
00:26:31,324 --> 00:26:33,657
I don't want to talk to you,
Trent.
530
00:26:33,659 --> 00:26:34,992
God... Yeah, dude.
531
00:26:34,994 --> 00:26:38,329
Back up,
discount Ashton kutcher.
532
00:26:38,331 --> 00:26:41,599
Why don't you back up,
dollar-store Keanu Reeves?
533
00:26:45,071 --> 00:26:47,338
Yo, dude,
are we gonna go right now?
534
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:48,906
'Cause I got to warn you,
535
00:26:48,908 --> 00:26:50,541
I've played a lot
of "street fighter ii."
536
00:26:50,543 --> 00:26:51,909
Round 1... fight!
537
00:26:51,911 --> 00:26:54,044
Hadouken! Hadouken! Sonic boom!
538
00:26:54,046 --> 00:26:57,114
[ Shouting indistinctly ]
539
00:26:57,116 --> 00:26:59,950
You're built like an ostrich,
man. Respect.
540
00:27:02,922 --> 00:27:06,256
Thanks, Danny. I'm really glad
you're here with me.
541
00:27:06,258 --> 00:27:08,425
I'm proud of you, baby bro.
542
00:27:08,427 --> 00:27:10,494
Uh-oh. Incoming.
543
00:27:15,267 --> 00:27:17,234
What the hell, Danny?
This contest was my chance
544
00:27:17,236 --> 00:27:19,236
to figure out what's going on
with me and Candace.
545
00:27:19,238 --> 00:27:21,038
I have to talk to her.
546
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:24,108
All right, trust me, man...
With this sort of thing, dude,
547
00:27:24,110 --> 00:27:25,776
it's best to just let it be.
548
00:27:27,546 --> 00:27:29,847
"This sort of thing"?
549
00:27:29,849 --> 00:27:32,483
You know what's going on.
Tell me.
550
00:27:32,485 --> 00:27:34,952
Hey, man, I don't want to get
in the middle of you two, okay?
551
00:27:34,954 --> 00:27:37,821
Plus, I wasn't gonna tell you anyway, and
now that I know you want me to tell you,
552
00:27:37,823 --> 00:27:39,657
it's gonna be so much more fun
not telling you.
553
00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:41,392
Oh, but that's
where you're wrong, Danny.
554
00:27:41,394 --> 00:27:42,960
'Cause you will tell me.
555
00:27:42,962 --> 00:27:44,628
And you want to know why?
Because you're trapped here.
556
00:27:44,630 --> 00:27:46,196
And you know how you hate it
557
00:27:46,198 --> 00:27:48,332
when I pronounce foreign words
in their native tongue?
558
00:27:48,334 --> 00:27:50,567
Well, guess what I brought
Candace for breakfast.
559
00:27:50,569 --> 00:27:51,635
A croissant.
560
00:27:55,508 --> 00:27:58,976
Come on, man. We're in America.
You call it "krissont."
561
00:27:58,978 --> 00:28:01,412
Cut it out right now!
562
00:28:01,414 --> 00:28:03,981
Barcelona.
563
00:28:07,253 --> 00:28:09,186
Okay, I'll tell you
why she's so mad at you.
564
00:28:09,188 --> 00:28:11,855
It's because, um...
565
00:28:11,857 --> 00:28:13,257
You missed her birthday.
566
00:28:13,259 --> 00:28:15,526
Wait, and you knew?
567
00:28:15,528 --> 00:28:16,894
Well, what did you get her?
568
00:28:16,896 --> 00:28:21,331
A l-laptop... S.
569
00:28:21,333 --> 00:28:23,567
You didn't even get me anything
for my birthday.
570
00:28:23,569 --> 00:28:25,569
Yes, I did. Remember last week
when I was eating pizza
571
00:28:25,571 --> 00:28:27,738
and you said, "are you gonna
finish that crust?"
572
00:28:27,740 --> 00:28:30,340
And I said, "no, you can have it,"
and then you said, "thank you"?
573
00:28:31,343 --> 00:28:32,443
Yeah.
574
00:28:32,445 --> 00:28:34,378
Happy birthday.
575
00:28:38,684 --> 00:28:41,585
Before I go pick up
a birthday gift for Candace,
576
00:28:41,587 --> 00:28:43,253
the three of us were talking
and we all agree...
577
00:28:43,255 --> 00:28:44,788
You got to fix this thing
with your hometown.
578
00:28:44,790 --> 00:28:46,623
You got to let people know
who you are.
579
00:28:46,625 --> 00:28:49,693
You're just a really special guy
who likes to drive stick.
580
00:28:49,695 --> 00:28:50,695
[ Chuckles ]
581
00:28:50,696 --> 00:28:53,464
All right, stop helping.
582
00:28:53,466 --> 00:28:56,433
I know facing your past
can be a burden.
583
00:28:56,435 --> 00:29:00,204
[ Sighs ] I don't know if I ever
told you guys this, but...
584
00:29:00,206 --> 00:29:03,040
For about
three dark months, I...
585
00:29:03,042 --> 00:29:06,343
Well, I danced with
an addiction of... Claritin.
586
00:29:11,484 --> 00:29:15,018
I mean, my sinuses were clear,
but my conscience was not.
587
00:29:16,689 --> 00:29:19,056
Why can't you guys
just let this go?
588
00:29:19,058 --> 00:29:20,691
At my retirement home,
589
00:29:20,693 --> 00:29:23,660
I've been with a lot of people
in their last days,
590
00:29:23,662 --> 00:29:25,963
and I found out
that the worst thing
591
00:29:25,965 --> 00:29:28,799
is having regrets
that you haven't dealt with.
592
00:29:28,801 --> 00:29:31,902
Like, Mrs. bosma, can you
tell him what you told me?
593
00:29:31,904 --> 00:29:34,671
I'm the one who killed...
594
00:29:34,673 --> 00:29:36,607
Tupac.
595
00:29:39,211 --> 00:29:41,612
Tupac was her family dog.
596
00:29:43,215 --> 00:29:44,882
Was he killed
in a drive-by, too?
597
00:29:46,385 --> 00:29:49,386
Yeah, well,
technically a drive-over.
598
00:29:50,723 --> 00:29:54,358
Look, what I'm hoping
Shelly's trying to say is,
599
00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:56,727
you need to fix this thing
before it's too late.
600
00:29:56,729 --> 00:29:58,829
I mean, remember
when you came out to us?
601
00:29:58,831 --> 00:29:59,997
Remember all the tears?
602
00:29:59,999 --> 00:30:03,267
You were very emotional.
603
00:30:03,269 --> 00:30:05,669
I know.
'Cause I was happy for you.
604
00:30:05,671 --> 00:30:07,838
And you want to know why?
Because you told me
605
00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:10,274
that you thought you couldn't
really start your life
606
00:30:10,276 --> 00:30:12,743
until everyone knew
the real you.
607
00:30:12,745 --> 00:30:15,712
Look, there's nothing
that I'd like more
608
00:30:15,714 --> 00:30:18,682
than to be 17
and back in finchingfield.
609
00:30:18,684 --> 00:30:21,718
Only this time,
I wouldn't feel so scared
610
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:24,454
and I wouldn't feel
like an outsider.
611
00:30:24,456 --> 00:30:28,425
I'd march proudly up to anyone
in that tiny little town
612
00:30:28,427 --> 00:30:30,527
and tell them that I was gay.
613
00:30:30,529 --> 00:30:32,296
But that ship has sailed.
614
00:30:32,298 --> 00:30:35,799
Damon's gone, and I don't know
anyone else in that town,
615
00:30:35,801 --> 00:30:38,302
let alone
how to contact them, so...
616
00:30:38,304 --> 00:30:41,939
There's just some regrets
you have to live with.
617
00:30:41,941 --> 00:30:43,774
Okay?
618
00:30:49,448 --> 00:30:52,149
She really have
a dog named Tupac?
619
00:30:52,151 --> 00:30:54,151
Yeah. And you don't want to know
620
00:30:54,153 --> 00:30:57,187
what she did
to the notorious c-a-t.
621
00:30:59,692 --> 00:31:02,693
That's how we do things
in the j-squad.
622
00:31:04,296 --> 00:31:07,598
That's how we do things
in the j-squad!
623
00:31:13,305 --> 00:31:14,671
What the heck is he doing?
624
00:31:14,673 --> 00:31:18,475
Waiting for the beat to drop.
625
00:31:36,762 --> 00:31:39,263
Uh, Danny told me
I forgot your birthday.
626
00:31:39,265 --> 00:31:40,330
I feel horrible.
627
00:31:40,332 --> 00:31:42,299
So I got you a gift.
628
00:31:42,301 --> 00:31:44,968
Oh, my gosh.
629
00:31:44,970 --> 00:31:46,937
Laptop cases?
630
00:31:46,939 --> 00:31:48,739
For both your laptops.
631
00:31:48,741 --> 00:31:52,509
Look, I'm so sorry
that I forgot your birthday.
632
00:31:52,511 --> 00:31:54,745
You're too special for me
to let you down like that.
633
00:31:55,981 --> 00:31:58,582
All right, well,
I'll put this back for you.
634
00:31:58,584 --> 00:32:01,418
Hold out your wrist.
There you go.
635
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:02,753
[ Chuckles ]
636
00:32:04,323 --> 00:32:06,156
Thanks.
637
00:32:09,762 --> 00:32:11,795
Look, don't make a big deal
out of this...
638
00:32:11,797 --> 00:32:14,331
I got you two pretend laptops.
639
00:32:14,333 --> 00:32:16,833
But if you play your cards
right,
640
00:32:16,835 --> 00:32:19,569
I'll also get you
an imaginary printer.
641
00:32:21,140 --> 00:32:23,540
Justin is so amazing.
642
00:32:23,542 --> 00:32:26,009
The only birthday present
I ever got from Trent
643
00:32:26,011 --> 00:32:29,846
was a street sign he stole
from "boner drive."
644
00:32:29,848 --> 00:32:32,249
Look, Candace,
I really need you...
645
00:32:32,251 --> 00:32:34,785
[ laughs ] "Boner drive."
646
00:32:37,122 --> 00:32:39,523
I'm gonna tell you the same
thing I told Justin, okay?
647
00:32:39,525 --> 00:32:40,958
I don't want to get
in the middle of you two.
648
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,759
Justin is just so...
649
00:32:42,761 --> 00:32:46,196
He's... he's probably the
kindest person I've ever met.
650
00:32:46,198 --> 00:32:50,033
Except for my grandpa,
and he loved my grandma so much.
651
00:32:50,035 --> 00:32:51,802
Aww. That's fascinating.
652
00:32:51,804 --> 00:32:54,638
I hope you're going to tell me
more about it.
653
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:58,375
He would always open the door
for my grandma.
654
00:32:58,377 --> 00:32:59,977
He would rush ahead
655
00:32:59,979 --> 00:33:02,312
and make sure that he was there
to open it for her.
656
00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:04,214
And that's all
that I've ever wanted...
657
00:33:04,216 --> 00:33:06,650
Just a nice, sweet guy
who would open the door for me,
658
00:33:06,652 --> 00:33:10,087
and I feel like I've been searching
for that my entire life.
659
00:33:10,089 --> 00:33:12,155
Candace, this is
torture for me, okay?
660
00:33:12,157 --> 00:33:15,258
I-I can't hear you talk about love
or romance or Justin anymore.
661
00:33:15,260 --> 00:33:17,894
You know the thing that I love
about my romance with Justin
662
00:33:17,896 --> 00:33:20,130
is that... no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
663
00:33:20,132 --> 00:33:22,632
I've been listening to you talk about
Justin for the past few days now, okay?
664
00:33:22,634 --> 00:33:24,901
And... and I've even heard your
opinions on what you thought
665
00:33:24,903 --> 00:33:27,170
he looked like without his shirt on,
which is, by the way, way off, okay?
666
00:33:27,172 --> 00:33:29,812
He looks more like e.T. At the end
of the movie when he's all sick.
667
00:33:31,844 --> 00:33:33,844
This is your last warning.
668
00:33:33,846 --> 00:33:36,246
Justin's way more attractive
than you.
669
00:33:37,049 --> 00:33:39,049
[ Gasps ]
670
00:33:40,586 --> 00:33:43,954
Oh ho! Laters, dumb-dumb!
671
00:33:45,891 --> 00:33:47,224
Happy birthday.
672
00:33:51,930 --> 00:33:54,231
Why would you do that?
Now I'm out!
673
00:33:54,233 --> 00:33:56,600
I know what I did was wrong,
so, in solidarity,
674
00:33:56,602 --> 00:33:58,735
I'm going to leave this contest
with you.
675
00:33:58,737 --> 00:34:02,072
No way. Because this isn't just
about me getting away from Justin.
676
00:34:02,074 --> 00:34:04,007
This was supposed to be
a fresh start for me.
677
00:34:04,009 --> 00:34:06,743
I'm gonna warn you...
If you don't at least try
678
00:34:06,745 --> 00:34:09,546
to win this house for me,
then you're gonna pay.
679
00:34:09,548 --> 00:34:13,050
Candace, uh, not to be
disrespectful or anything,
680
00:34:13,052 --> 00:34:17,654
but this is exactly like
being threatened by a cupcake.
681
00:34:18,924 --> 00:34:21,491
Danny, I grew up homeless
in Detroit, okay?
682
00:34:21,493 --> 00:34:24,327
I'm a lot tougher than you
think. I fight dirty.
683
00:34:24,329 --> 00:34:27,864
So if you want to bail
on me now,
684
00:34:27,866 --> 00:34:30,033
I could always
just dress younger
685
00:34:30,035 --> 00:34:32,702
and tell all the attractive
woman that you try to hit on
686
00:34:32,704 --> 00:34:35,038
that I'm your daughter.
You wouldn't do that.
687
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,942
[ As a teenager ]
Oh, my god! I totally would!
688
00:34:38,944 --> 00:34:41,611
Dad! Oh, stop, embarrassing me.
689
00:34:41,613 --> 00:34:44,448
It's so weird.
You don't look 40.
690
00:34:44,450 --> 00:34:46,349
I'm not 40!
691
00:34:46,351 --> 00:34:47,818
I'm not 40.
692
00:34:47,820 --> 00:34:50,520
[ Normal voice ]
Mark my words, bitch.
693
00:34:52,958 --> 00:34:55,158
If you don't come through for me
on this,
694
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,227
the only thing
you're gonna be banging
695
00:34:57,229 --> 00:34:59,062
is your head against the wall.
696
00:35:02,134 --> 00:35:03,767
I guess I could stay.
697
00:35:05,170 --> 00:35:08,205
That's how we do it
in the j-squad.
698
00:35:15,380 --> 00:35:18,582
Brett, sit down.
699
00:35:18,584 --> 00:35:20,217
Come here. Listen...
700
00:35:20,219 --> 00:35:22,919
Nobody should ever have to live
in regret, buddy.
701
00:35:22,921 --> 00:35:24,721
Okay. What's going on?
702
00:35:24,723 --> 00:35:27,057
Well, we got ahold
of your old pal, Damon,
703
00:35:27,059 --> 00:35:30,393
and he spent the past few days getting all
your friends together from finchingfield.
704
00:35:30,395 --> 00:35:32,262
Burski: We got
everyone we could find,
705
00:35:32,264 --> 00:35:33,630
and we crammed them
into the local pub.
706
00:35:33,632 --> 00:35:37,234
So, Brett,
say hello to your hometown.
707
00:35:37,236 --> 00:35:38,969
All: Brett!
708
00:35:38,971 --> 00:35:41,304
[ Indistinct shouting ]
Man: Hey!
709
00:35:41,306 --> 00:35:43,173
Oh, hi, everyone!
710
00:35:43,175 --> 00:35:45,675
You guys did this for me?
711
00:35:45,677 --> 00:35:48,345
Go on there, mate. We're all here.
What's this big news, then, son?
712
00:35:48,347 --> 00:35:50,747
Um, well,
I know that a lot of you think
713
00:35:50,749 --> 00:35:52,516
that you know me really well,
714
00:35:52,518 --> 00:35:55,685
but, uh, there's just one part
of me that you didn't know.
715
00:35:55,687 --> 00:35:58,588
[ Breathes deeply ]
716
00:35:58,590 --> 00:36:00,557
I am a gay man.
717
00:36:06,198 --> 00:36:07,497
Is it fun?
718
00:36:09,535 --> 00:36:12,502
Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, sometimes.
719
00:36:12,504 --> 00:36:14,504
So does this mean
that our pact to get married
720
00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:16,973
if we're both still single
when we're 40 is null and void?
721
00:36:16,975 --> 00:36:19,242
Um, yeah. 'Fraid so, love.
722
00:36:19,244 --> 00:36:22,012
But check in again
when you're 50.
723
00:36:22,014 --> 00:36:24,114
You're cute. Are you single?
724
00:36:24,116 --> 00:36:27,083
Oh. Oh, who said that?
Is that... is that Roger?
725
00:36:27,085 --> 00:36:29,352
N-no, it was me.
726
00:36:29,354 --> 00:36:31,154
Oh. Hi, Dan.
727
00:36:32,357 --> 00:36:34,191
Guys, this is great. Thank you.
728
00:36:35,727 --> 00:36:36,626
Wallop!
729
00:36:36,628 --> 00:36:38,128
Wallop. Wallop!
730
00:36:38,130 --> 00:36:39,629
All: Wallop!
731
00:36:39,631 --> 00:36:41,932
[ Laughs ]
732
00:36:41,934 --> 00:36:43,433
Candace: Oh, my gosh.
733
00:36:43,435 --> 00:36:46,102
I can't believe this has gone on
for another day.
734
00:36:46,104 --> 00:36:48,205
Okay.
I know you originally stayed
735
00:36:48,207 --> 00:36:50,941
because of my whole
"crazy Candace" act, but...
736
00:36:50,943 --> 00:36:53,944
It wasn't an act. I truly saw
the evil inside you, but go on.
737
00:36:53,946 --> 00:36:58,148
Thanks, Danny. Okay.
I got to go take care of mo.
738
00:36:58,150 --> 00:37:00,183
I'll be right back. Okay.
739
00:37:01,286 --> 00:37:04,888
Oh. Look at you being selfless.
740
00:37:04,890 --> 00:37:06,656
To think
you're the same punk kid
741
00:37:06,658 --> 00:37:09,593
who got a credit card in my name
when you were in 8th grade.
742
00:37:09,595 --> 00:37:12,229
Whatever.
I only used it for emergencies.
743
00:37:12,231 --> 00:37:15,131
You used it last week at subway.
744
00:37:15,133 --> 00:37:18,268
I was starving!
745
00:37:18,270 --> 00:37:21,304
P.S. You're welcome for all
the miles that I earned you.
746
00:37:21,306 --> 00:37:24,074
You know what?
I'm so proud of you right now
747
00:37:24,076 --> 00:37:26,209
that there's nothing that you
could say that could ruin it.
748
00:37:26,211 --> 00:37:27,644
Cool, cool.
749
00:37:27,646 --> 00:37:30,680
So, um...
Candace will have other chances
750
00:37:30,682 --> 00:37:32,515
to win houses in contests,
right?
751
00:37:32,517 --> 00:37:34,985
Because I have to go shoot
my action-movie scene
752
00:37:34,987 --> 00:37:36,019
in like 15 minutes.
753
00:37:36,021 --> 00:37:37,354
Are you serious?
754
00:37:37,356 --> 00:37:40,523
Sorry, but you know
how the saying goes.
755
00:37:40,525 --> 00:37:43,827
That's how we do things
in the j-squad.
756
00:37:43,829 --> 00:37:46,730
You're better than this. Ugh!
757
00:37:46,732 --> 00:37:49,899
Actually, you're not,
but you could be.
758
00:37:49,901 --> 00:37:52,736
Come on. Now you're starting to
sound like Justin, all right?
759
00:37:52,738 --> 00:37:55,005
Although he would probably
turn this house
760
00:37:55,007 --> 00:37:57,207
into a metaphor
for who I am as a person.
761
00:37:57,209 --> 00:37:59,175
This house represents
the best of you.
762
00:37:59,177 --> 00:38:00,243
[ Head thumps ]
763
00:38:01,680 --> 00:38:04,180
It's broken on the outside
764
00:38:04,182 --> 00:38:07,284
but warm and full of potential
on the inside.
765
00:38:07,286 --> 00:38:11,254
Thanks, les. You've really given
me something to think about
766
00:38:11,256 --> 00:38:12,989
while I'm driving
to the movie set.
767
00:38:15,093 --> 00:38:17,093
Fine. Do what you want.
768
00:38:17,095 --> 00:38:19,529
But don't take that hand off
of this house
769
00:38:19,531 --> 00:38:21,364
until you ask yourself this...
770
00:38:21,366 --> 00:38:23,833
Do you want to just play a hero
in a movie,
771
00:38:23,835 --> 00:38:26,836
or do you want to be a hero
in real life?
772
00:38:34,880 --> 00:38:36,346
Burski: So, Danny missed out
773
00:38:36,348 --> 00:38:38,181
on being in a Liam neeson movie
for this?
774
00:38:38,183 --> 00:38:41,384
Ugh. Who cares?
That guy is old as hell.
775
00:38:41,386 --> 00:38:44,921
The next "taken" movie better be
about him takin' a nap.
776
00:38:47,192 --> 00:38:50,627
You're old and tired, man.
I could do this all month.
777
00:38:50,629 --> 00:38:53,530
Face it, brah, you're too weak!
778
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,967
Man, dude.
I am... I'm exhausted.
779
00:38:57,969 --> 00:39:01,771
You know, I-i-i miss my bed,
I miss taking a shower...
780
00:39:01,773 --> 00:39:03,973
I miss clapping.
781
00:39:03,975 --> 00:39:06,476
Seriously.
I've had to teach myself this.
782
00:39:06,478 --> 00:39:08,678
[ Light smacking ]
783
00:39:10,315 --> 00:39:13,049
Candace, I'm sorry.
I can't do this anymore.
784
00:39:13,051 --> 00:39:16,653
Trent, you're right.
Uh... Trent's better than me.
785
00:39:16,655 --> 00:39:19,122
Danny, what are you doing?
786
00:39:20,492 --> 00:39:23,093
You win, Trent. Whoo!
787
00:39:23,095 --> 00:39:25,762
Started from the bottom.
Now we're house!
788
00:39:25,764 --> 00:39:28,565
Later, dumb-dumb.
789
00:39:28,567 --> 00:39:31,468
# Blessed.
790
00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:33,603
Hey, man, uh, you know,
791
00:39:33,605 --> 00:39:36,306
you probably shouldn't call her
dumb-dumb anymore
792
00:39:36,308 --> 00:39:38,908
because you just lost a house,
dumb-dumb.
793
00:39:38,910 --> 00:39:42,312
[ Cheers ]
794
00:39:43,782 --> 00:39:46,983
Uh, what's happening right now?
What's going on?
795
00:39:46,985 --> 00:39:50,720
That's how we do it
in the j-squad!
796
00:39:53,992 --> 00:39:57,127
Thank you so much. I don't know
how I could ever repay you.
797
00:39:57,129 --> 00:39:58,762
Oh, I don't know.
798
00:39:58,764 --> 00:40:01,564
Maybe with money because
you just got a house for free.
799
00:40:02,834 --> 00:40:06,002
Hey, shell, bursk,
can you guys, uh, carry me
800
00:40:06,004 --> 00:40:08,004
for the rest of the day?
I'm exhausted.
801
00:40:11,076 --> 00:40:14,110
That's how... that's how
we do things in the j-squad.
802
00:40:15,447 --> 00:40:18,848
I am proud to present you
with the keys to your new home!
803
00:40:18,850 --> 00:40:20,850
[ Both laugh ]
804
00:40:20,852 --> 00:40:23,253
This is the best day ever!
805
00:40:23,255 --> 00:40:25,555
Look, I'm gonna miss
having you around the bar,
806
00:40:25,557 --> 00:40:27,023
that's for sure, but, uh...
807
00:40:27,025 --> 00:40:28,858
Quite a birthday, right,
you know?
808
00:40:28,860 --> 00:40:31,127
Two laptops and a house.
809
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:35,932
No one deserves it
as much as you.
810
00:40:35,934 --> 00:40:38,368
Go check out your new house.
811
00:40:38,370 --> 00:40:40,270
Oh, w-w-wait, wait.
812
00:40:40,272 --> 00:40:42,405
A lady does not open
her own door.
813
00:40:42,407 --> 00:40:43,740
Let me see the keys.
814
00:40:43,742 --> 00:40:47,444
I will open it for you,
gentleman of me.
815
00:40:47,446 --> 00:40:49,746
Okay. There we go.
816
00:40:49,748 --> 00:40:52,549
There you are.
817
00:40:52,551 --> 00:40:54,117
Is everything okay?
818
00:41:02,060 --> 00:41:04,194
Thanks for stopping by.
819
00:41:08,733 --> 00:41:10,300
Bye...
820
00:41:20,745 --> 00:41:23,746
I passed out.
What just happened?
821
00:41:26,518 --> 00:41:29,052
Woman: Did America make you gay?
822
00:41:29,054 --> 00:41:32,055
Uh, no, not gay. Just gay-er.
823
00:41:33,225 --> 00:41:36,926
Do you own any small dogs?
824
00:41:36,928 --> 00:41:40,630
Uh, yeah, yeah, two...
Elton and John.
825
00:41:42,434 --> 00:41:45,235
Woman #2: My son Jeremy's gay,
too. He lives in France.
826
00:41:45,237 --> 00:41:46,736
Do you know him?
827
00:41:46,738 --> 00:41:48,738
Oh, yes, yes, gay Jeremy.
828
00:41:48,740 --> 00:41:52,709
But in France,
they call him "gay jheremee."
829
00:41:52,711 --> 00:41:55,512
Oh, hey, Brett, sometimes
I like to watch gay porn.
830
00:41:55,514 --> 00:41:56,746
Does that make me gay?
831
00:41:56,748 --> 00:41:59,782
Uh, yeah,
that makes you 100% gay.
832
00:41:59,784 --> 00:42:00,450
Thought so.
833
00:42:00,452 --> 00:42:02,018
Yeah. Yep.
64077
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