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1
00:00:00,634 --> 00:00:03,435
¶ Do-doo-la-ba-bow ¶
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,405
[ chuckles ]
Well, I had the best night.
3
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,940
Danny has
a word-of-the-day calendar...
4
00:00:07,942 --> 00:00:09,541
You know,
he uses it to sound smart.
5
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:11,810
So last night,
I put a fake word in there.
6
00:00:12,913 --> 00:00:15,481
Well, last night,
I had sex with a woman,
7
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,450
but playing with calendars
sounds fun, too.
8
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:20,919
By the way,
the fake word is "bucky."
9
00:00:20,921 --> 00:00:22,755
I wrote that it means
"awesome" or "great."
10
00:00:22,757 --> 00:00:25,624
He's been using it all morning.
Enjoy.
11
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:29,595
Ah, so fun having everybody over
to watch "the matrix."
12
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:32,831
Really. It was extremely bucky.
[ Chuckles ]
13
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:34,299
I know it's a fake word, okay?
14
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,534
The problem with your plan is
15
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,969
whenever I say a word,
it becomes real,
16
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:38,537
because everybody knows
that everything I say
17
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,072
is extremely bucky.
18
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:43,542
So, everybody got together
and watched a movie
19
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,477
and didn't invite me?
20
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,415
Oh, this isn't bucky at all.
21
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,583
It's okay. I get it.
22
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,352
So, was "matrix" any good?
23
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:58,023
You know, I don't know.
Is the earth any good?
24
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,393
How have you not seen
"the matrix"?
25
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:02,961
When it came out, I was four.
26
00:01:02,963 --> 00:01:06,598
Uh, well, it's about
a computer genius,
27
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,934
so naturally is played
by Keanu Reeves.
28
00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:11,170
Um, it's a very simple story,
really.
29
00:01:11,172 --> 00:01:15,240
They take away Keanu's mouth
and he's like [Muffled grunting]
30
00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:18,677
And then morpheus comes in
with blue M&M's and red M&M's,
31
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,746
and then Keanu Reeves is like,
"whoa.
32
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,081
Oh, my god. I love M&M's."
33
00:01:22,083 --> 00:01:24,983
And then Keanu Reeves
defeats the bad guy
34
00:01:24,985 --> 00:01:26,518
and becomes the one
and then wins
35
00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,753
a longer leather jacket
and flies away.
36
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,154
It's pretty much
the perfect movie.
37
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:33,892
Ooh, now explain "inception"
to us.
38
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:42,301
¶ Oh-oh-oh, oh, oh ¶
39
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,970
Danny: "Undateable"... a show
about a man who never ages.
40
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,206
Justin: For the last
time, you age. No.
41
00:01:48,042 --> 00:01:50,175
Okay, guys who strike up
conversations at urinals
42
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:52,644
are going on my list
of things that suck.
43
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,514
Yo, Danny, we didn't get
to finish our conversation
44
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,549
in there.
45
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,017
Danny started a Twitter feed
46
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:00,853
of "things that suck
and don't suck" in Detroit.
47
00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:02,521
He tried to hook me up
by putting me on
48
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:03,889
the "things that don't suck"
list.
49
00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:06,692
Turns out, that's not a list
you want to be on
50
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:08,160
in the gay community.
51
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,496
Hey, put the bar on the list
of "things that don't suck."
52
00:02:10,498 --> 00:02:11,697
Uh, no.
53
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,966
People never lie
on the Internet.
54
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,170
Danny, you should really
try to think about
55
00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,038
making this Twitter thing
into a job.
56
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,441
You know, I could get you an
interview at the Detroit weekly.
57
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:23,942
You know,
that would be a fun column.
58
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:26,512
Yo, why are you always nagging
me about this job thing?
59
00:02:26,514 --> 00:02:28,447
Because you need
to get your life started.
60
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:30,249
Whatever. I have an awesome job.
61
00:02:30,251 --> 00:02:33,552
You deliver pizzas, right?
62
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:34,953
Actually,
I don't deliver pizzas.
63
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:36,688
Like Jason statham,
I'm a transporter.
64
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,423
Sure, sometimes
I transport pizzas,
65
00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:39,491
but really,
it could be anything...
66
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,927
Nuclear weapons...
67
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:44,830
Garlic knots.
68
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:47,399
You know, I had my first
real job when I was 14.
69
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,168
I mean, I had to, you know,
to pay for...
70
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:50,402
Those modern-dance classes
71
00:02:50,404 --> 00:02:51,570
weren't gonna pay
for themselves.
72
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:54,406
Pow! Pow!
73
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,508
Pow!
74
00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,811
The point is, you're 31.
75
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:01,813
I mean, don't you want to
accomplish anything?
76
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,016
I mean, what would people say
if you died today?
77
00:03:04,018 --> 00:03:05,551
That's actually
a really great idea.
78
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,119
Let's all go around,
pretend it's my funeral,
79
00:03:07,121 --> 00:03:08,554
and say amazing things about me.
80
00:03:08,556 --> 00:03:10,689
Go ahead. I'll be the priest.
81
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,125
¶ Here lies Danny Burton ¶
82
00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:14,793
¶ everyone thought, of course,
that he was immortal ¶
83
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:15,794
¶ because he looked so awesome ¶
84
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:19,198
¶ ah-aah-ahhhh-aaaah ¶
85
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,567
nobody wants to do
your stupid fake funeral.
86
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:24,770
Danny was a good man.
87
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,573
And now that he's gone,
the world is a little less...
88
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,508
Bucky.
89
00:03:29,510 --> 00:03:33,078
Danny, if you can hear me,
90
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,547
I'd very much like
to spin pottery with you
91
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,849
like Demi Moore in "ghost."
92
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,652
Hey, shell,
I'm right here with you.
93
00:03:40,654 --> 00:03:45,123
[ Gasps ] I can feel you.
94
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:48,360
¶ Oh, my love ¶
95
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,729
¶ my darling ¶
96
00:03:50,731 --> 00:03:56,335
¶ I hunger for your touch ¶
97
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,637
¶ ghost, ghost ¶
98
00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,005
okay, listen.
99
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:04,042
[ Laughs ]
100
00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:08,380
First of all, you obviously
don't know the song, okay?
101
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,382
And no singing at my funeral.
102
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:11,683
You sang before.
103
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,151
Yeah, because that's what
the priest does
104
00:04:13,153 --> 00:04:15,420
whenever he forgets what...
His story that he's telling.
105
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:18,056
¶ Uh, a-and then Mary and Joseph
came down ¶
106
00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:21,493
¶ talked to Jesus
and the holy spirit ¶
107
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,862
¶ then what happened was that
everybody kind of just went ¶
108
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:26,398
¶ and had a campfire
and then ate hot dogs ¶
109
00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:29,968
¶ ah-aah-ahhhh-aaaah ¶
110
00:04:29,970 --> 00:04:32,304
Justin: I'll say something.
I will. [ Clears throat ]
111
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:34,473
Danny was a selfish man.
112
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:37,676
He wouldn't even tweet
about his best friend's bar.
113
00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:38,678
Come on, man.
114
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:39,978
You loved Danny Burton.
115
00:04:39,980 --> 00:04:41,280
Why don't you say something nice
about him?
116
00:04:41,282 --> 00:04:42,581
Don't be a coward.
117
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:43,615
I-I'm a coward?
118
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,150
[ Chuckles lightly ]
119
00:04:45,152 --> 00:04:47,119
Look, I know you'd love
to turn this whole Twitter thing
120
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:48,987
into a job,
but you're too chicken.
121
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,890
Face it, Danny... you're getting
very close to becoming a loser.
122
00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:56,561
Thou shall not speak ill
about thy roommate.
123
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:59,865
Luke:29, Andre:3000.
124
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,405
Man, when Shelly's
getting some action,
125
00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:07,806
he makes everything sexual.
126
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:10,842
Oh, you're nasty.
127
00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:15,414
Oh, you brought a friend?
128
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:18,850
Oh, she just likes to watch?
129
00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:21,386
Oh, there's no spectators here.
130
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:28,460
Mmm.
131
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,896
Shelly, how hot would you say
this new girl is?
132
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:34,933
Would you say
that she's '80s-movie hot?
133
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,136
Brett:
Candace, come and join in.
134
00:05:38,138 --> 00:05:41,039
We're just talking about
Shelly's new lady.
135
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,008
Last night, she gave him
a hot-stone massage.
136
00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:46,178
That's when a hot girl gives me
a massage while I'm stoned.
137
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:49,715
[ Clears throat ]
138
00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:52,417
She summons me
every night around midnight.
139
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:55,220
So you're a Booty call.
140
00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:56,855
I'm so sorry.
141
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,890
The guy's getting
no-strings-attached sex.
142
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,425
There's no "I'm sorry"
after sex.
143
00:06:00,427 --> 00:06:03,595
[ Chuckles ]
Well, that's not entirely true.
144
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,431
I almost always apologize
right after sex.
145
00:06:06,433 --> 00:06:07,733
Not sure why I shared that.
146
00:06:07,735 --> 00:06:09,401
That could have stayed
in the journal.
147
00:06:09,403 --> 00:06:10,769
How would that apology go?
148
00:06:10,771 --> 00:06:12,037
Okay, fine, example...
149
00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,505
Like, if I know
I'm not gonna last long,
150
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:15,774
I'd feel bad, so I want to
leave her with a show.
151
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,042
Like, I'll sing or something.
152
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:20,612
Like...
¶ no, no, no-oo, no, no ¶
153
00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,948
sorry.
154
00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,087
I mean, I do like her.
155
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,423
I'm hoping it'll turn into
something more.
156
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:34,326
Booty calls almost never
turn into real relationships.
157
00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:36,094
If you really want to
date this girl,
158
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:38,797
you can't go over there
every time she calls.
159
00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:39,931
But I can help you.
160
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:42,200
I'll be your Booty-call sponsor!
161
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:46,738
I appreciate the fact that
you want to help and everything.
162
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,707
I feel like there's a big "but."
163
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,977
Oh, there is.
164
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:54,846
And it's attached to a woman
named Vanessa.
165
00:07:00,687 --> 00:07:02,187
Ah. Hey, man.
166
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,688
You think I'm too scared
to take the job, huh?
167
00:07:03,690 --> 00:07:05,757
Well, guess what... I'm gonna
make you eat your words.
168
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,759
I got Danny that interview
today.
169
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,395
And she's been helping me
work on my...
170
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:11,463
How do you pronounce it?
171
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,798
"Ri-so-may"?
172
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,399
"Reh-su-may." "Ray-so-may."
173
00:07:14,401 --> 00:07:15,734
"Reh-su-may."
"Ray... ray-so-may."
174
00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:17,135
"Reh-su-may." "Ray-so-may."
175
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:21,139
"Reh-su-may." "Reh-su-may."
176
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,308
Bet you didn't know I had over
100 special skills.
177
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:25,744
I can speak in various
different languages.
178
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:27,579
[ British accent ] Hello.
179
00:07:27,581 --> 00:07:28,680
[ French accent ] Hello.
180
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,316
[ Speaks Japanese ]
181
00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:39,891
Well, first off,
there's no such thing
182
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:42,494
as "Microsoft
words with friends."
183
00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,399
And you did not read
"of mice and men."
184
00:07:47,401 --> 00:07:48,567
Of course I did, dude.
185
00:07:48,569 --> 00:07:50,769
Oh, yeah? Then wh-what was
your favorite part?
186
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:54,105
When... All of the mice
187
00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,175
band together to fight the men.
188
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,378
Hey, man, you know,
I really didn't want to say it
189
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,081
over at the bar,
but you really hurt my feelings.
190
00:08:05,953 --> 00:08:07,786
You know, I [Sighs]
I went too far.
191
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:08,788
I need to apologize.
192
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,021
No! No, you can't.
193
00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,190
Okay, Danny cares
what you think.
194
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:14,159
That's a power
that only one other person has,
195
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,228
but I can't get vin diesel
to come here.
196
00:08:17,564 --> 00:08:19,698
But if you apologize,
he's gonna blow this off
197
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,832
like he always does, okay?
198
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,067
You have to give him tough love.
199
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,668
Well, I'm not a tough-love guy.
200
00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:25,270
I'm a love-love guy.
201
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:28,573
If you start acting nice
and ruin this, I will kill you.
202
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:29,774
Yeah, Danny, I g...
203
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,376
Oop! Whoa!
204
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:35,347
Okay, tough love or night-night.
Your call.
205
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:40,352
[ Weakly ] You know I could
get out of this if I wanted to.
206
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,220
Go for it.
207
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,608
Look at you
in your "transporter" suit.
208
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,076
All right,
so for this interview,
209
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,511
he's just gonna ask me,
like, a bunch of questions?
210
00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:08,113
What if he asks me
how I get my hair this good
211
00:09:08,115 --> 00:09:09,881
and I can't tell him,
'cause it's a secret?
212
00:09:11,618 --> 00:09:13,018
Oh, you know what?
213
00:09:13,020 --> 00:09:15,520
I don't think I should
go through with this.
214
00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,155
[ Sighs ]
215
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,292
Where the hell is my tough love?
216
00:09:20,294 --> 00:09:22,093
Don't you see what's happening?
217
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,162
He's getting scared.
He's looking for a way out.
218
00:09:24,164 --> 00:09:26,598
Look, I know your biggest flaw
is how desperate you are
219
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,699
to have everyone like you.
220
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:28,934
That is not true.
221
00:09:28,936 --> 00:09:30,035
It is, and I don't like that
about you.
222
00:09:30,037 --> 00:09:31,803
What can I do to change that?
223
00:09:31,805 --> 00:09:33,238
Be mean, okay?
224
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:36,007
If you love Danny,
be the meanest you've ever been.
225
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,611
[ Whistling ]
226
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:42,314
H... uh, oops. Ohh.
227
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,283
How do you expect to hold a job?
228
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:46,885
You can't even hold
a coffee mug.
229
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,887
[ Chuckles ]
230
00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,188
All right, you know what?
231
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:52,257
I'm gonna get this job, nerd.
232
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,659
All right, I got to go to work.
233
00:09:54,661 --> 00:09:55,927
Danny, you're gonna kill it.
234
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,529
Yeah, I should probably
head out, too.
235
00:09:57,531 --> 00:10:00,231
Um...
236
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:01,299
Really?
237
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,134
You're not gonna say
anything supportive
238
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,036
to your best friend
before he leaves?
239
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:08,673
I'll tell you something
I told a mall Santa once
240
00:10:08,675 --> 00:10:09,908
when I turned 16
241
00:10:09,910 --> 00:10:11,643
and didn't get a car
for Christmas...
242
00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:14,579
I don't believe in you anymore.
243
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,283
You're becoming a mean person,
244
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:20,118
and I don't like that about you.
245
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,454
U-ugh.
246
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,824
[ Groans ]
247
00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:28,126
Danny, wait.
248
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,161
Yes?
249
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:38,403
Shelly, did you and Vanessa
talk last night?
250
00:10:38,405 --> 00:10:39,405
We did.
251
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:40,438
So, what did she say?
252
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,807
Oh, she said,
"harder," "faster,"
253
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,909
"okay, not that fast,"
254
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:46,878
"now go again,"
255
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:47,946
"nice job,"
256
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:49,481
"good-bye."
257
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:53,051
I mean, it's hard to say no
to a Booty call.
258
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,486
I'd like to see you try.
259
00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:55,488
Bring it on.
260
00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:58,490
Okay.
261
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,724
Hi, beautiful.
262
00:10:59,726 --> 00:11:01,860
It's Greg.
263
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:04,129
What do you want?
264
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:06,297
Oh, I think
you know what I want.
265
00:11:06,299 --> 00:11:09,234
[ Laughing ]
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
266
00:11:10,604 --> 00:11:12,370
Oh, you have caller I.D.
267
00:11:12,372 --> 00:11:15,974
If you're not interested,
why'd you answer?
268
00:11:15,976 --> 00:11:20,478
Um... I don't know.
269
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,014
Look, I just started
"love actually,"
270
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,717
and I really don't want to
watch it alone.
271
00:11:25,719 --> 00:11:28,353
That's my favorite movie.
272
00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:31,723
Oh, Hugh Grant just came
on the screen.
273
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:34,726
Uh, hi. Hello, Candace.
274
00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,761
Yeah, it's me... Hugh Grant.
275
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:38,329
Yes, yes,
276
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:40,965
the Benedict cumberbatch
of the '90s.
277
00:11:42,736 --> 00:11:46,137
You, uh... you can't resist a
charming British prime minister
278
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:49,107
who's desperately in love
with his secretary, can you?
279
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,209
She just thinks
she's ever so chubby.
280
00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,111
Chubby...
No, but she's not chubby.
281
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:57,515
She's just British curvy,
like Adele.
282
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,185
Shel... oh, no.
283
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:02,053
Vanessa.
284
00:12:04,991 --> 00:12:07,559
Hi, Hugh? Yeah, it's Brett.
285
00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:14,132
Phone sex? Woof.
286
00:12:14,134 --> 00:12:17,068
I can't. I'm at work.
287
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,605
Hey.
288
00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:21,673
How did Danny seem
when he left for the interview?
289
00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:23,908
I'm so nervous. Me too.
290
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,343
Why?
291
00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,011
Oh, hey, les.
292
00:12:27,013 --> 00:12:28,546
You skipped the interview?
293
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,249
I just decided I didn't need to
go after Justin apologized.
294
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,751
I didn't apologize, per se.
295
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:35,453
You said I was
an amazing, inspiring person,
296
00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,956
like a male Oprah.
297
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,627
Justin said
that I didn't need a job
298
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:45,063
because I already had
the best job in the world...
299
00:12:45,065 --> 00:12:47,098
Being me.
300
00:12:55,709 --> 00:12:57,008
Before you kill me,
you should know that I...
301
00:12:57,010 --> 00:12:59,010
I called the Detroit weekly guy.
302
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,378
It took some bargaining,
303
00:13:00,380 --> 00:13:02,046
but he agreed to make up
the interview here at the bar.
304
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:03,448
What did you offer him?
305
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,683
Free drinks and a chance to meet.
306
00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:07,986
Danny's
attractive older sister...
307
00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:09,521
Who would probably go out
with him.
308
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,956
I'm not gonna go out
with some rando.
309
00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:14,859
Well, I...
That's him over there.
310
00:13:16,062 --> 00:13:18,163
Anything for my brother.
311
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:20,899
But it doesn't matter.
312
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:22,467
Danny's not gonna do
the interview.
313
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:23,868
He will if he doesn't know
it's happening.
314
00:13:23,870 --> 00:13:25,003
[ Chuckles ]
315
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:28,239
You see,
interviews are just an excuse
316
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:29,874
to brag about yourself.
317
00:13:29,876 --> 00:13:33,511
That's literally what Danny does
all the time.
318
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,947
You guys, help me
wrap my head around this...
319
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,416
I'm so good
at so many different things.
320
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,819
And let me get a look
at you here.
321
00:13:40,821 --> 00:13:42,487
I like this jacket. That's good.
Thanks.
322
00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:43,922
Oh, I think you got a fuzzy
in your hair.
323
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,223
Oh, really? I hate fuzzies.
Get it.
324
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,758
Okay.
325
00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:47,992
There you go...
Oh, it's in your ear now.
326
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:49,360
[ Laughs ]
It always ends up in there.
327
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,162
I got it.
328
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,631
I spent the morning
looking in the mirror,
329
00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,200
lip-synching to Taylor swift,
330
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:58,236
and yet that is the gayest thing
I've seen all day.
331
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,505
Oh, actually, you know what?
There's a guy here
332
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:01,639
that's excited to meet you.
333
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:02,841
He's actually a, uh, fan
334
00:14:02,843 --> 00:14:04,075
of "things that suck
and don't suck."
335
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,577
Rich, uh, meet Danny.
336
00:14:05,579 --> 00:14:06,711
Hey. Hey.
337
00:14:06,713 --> 00:14:07,946
Great to meet you, Danny. Cool.
338
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:10,081
My office loves your stuff
on Twitter.
339
00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,216
Oh.
340
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:12,750
So, what would you say
is your biggest strength?
341
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:15,553
Well, um, even though
you're a stranger,
342
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:18,089
that's a really great question.
343
00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,858
Shelly!
344
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,926
[ Panting ] don't do this.
345
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:22,961
I have to.
346
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:26,865
As a wise man once said,
"me so horny."
347
00:14:26,867 --> 00:14:29,801
Why don't you just tell Vanessa
you want more?
348
00:14:29,803 --> 00:14:34,906
Look, women like Vanessa,
they don't date guys like me.
349
00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:37,842
She would,
if you didn't let her use you
350
00:14:37,844 --> 00:14:40,478
like a giant Teddy bear
you have sex with.
351
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,080
Just leave with me now
352
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:45,717
and you can have more
with Vanessa... I promise.
353
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,554
Yes!
354
00:14:53,026 --> 00:14:58,963
Thank god I wore my glasses,
because you are '80s-movie hot.
355
00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:02,367
Aah! Oh, my god!
356
00:15:02,369 --> 00:15:03,935
Oh, my god!
357
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,037
I'm just... ohhh!
358
00:15:07,974 --> 00:15:09,173
[ Sobbing ]
359
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:12,076
I just wanted you to know
I think you're pretty.
360
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:17,949
You mind if I check out
your résumé?
361
00:15:17,951 --> 00:15:19,517
Why do you want to see
my "reh-so-may"?
362
00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:22,120
Hold on one second...
I'm answering questions to you,
363
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:26,891
and you're rich Greenway
of the Detroit weekly.
364
00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:28,393
Excuse me for a second.
365
00:15:28,395 --> 00:15:32,730
Hey, uh, Justin, you have
a little fuzzy on your ear.
366
00:15:32,732 --> 00:15:34,499
Hey, can I get another beer?
367
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,001
Help yourself.
368
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:40,038
Very nice.
369
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:44,008
Hey, man, you know what's going
on my list of "things that suck"?
370
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:46,678
People that trick their friends
into secret interviews.
371
00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:50,014
Yeah, not sure how relatable
that one is, man.
372
00:15:50,016 --> 00:15:51,816
Don't you think
this would be a cool job?
373
00:15:51,818 --> 00:15:53,484
Yeah, of course I think
it'd be a cool job.
374
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,019
But I'll never get it.
375
00:15:55,021 --> 00:15:57,622
It's better
just to never want anything.
376
00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:01,159
Look, it's... it's hard
to put yourself out there.
377
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,795
[ Sighs ]
This reminds me of a story.
378
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,798
There once was a little boy...
379
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:07,999
It was you, wasn't it?
380
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:10,802
You were the tiny, feminine boy?
381
00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:14,439
Mrs. Winston was casting
the 8th-grade play,
382
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,040
"the sound of music."
383
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:19,277
It was always my lifelong dream
to play captain Von trapp.
384
00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:24,549
Dreamt of being a widower
with seven kids?
385
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:26,117
I've always wanted a big family.
386
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:28,519
You know that.
387
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:31,656
Anyway,
I was scared to audition.
388
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,057
But I did.
389
00:16:33,059 --> 00:16:35,159
And, yeah, because my voice
hadn't changed,
390
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:39,564
I was cast as the youngest
Von trapp daughter.
391
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:44,335
But the point is, I would have
regretted that if I never tried.
392
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,537
How do you think Keanu Reeves
would have felt in "the matrix"
393
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,206
if he never ate the M&M?
394
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,847
Are you saying I'm the one?
395
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,717
But, uh,
I guess we'll never know
396
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:03,821
unless you finish the interview.
397
00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,959
All right, get Richard
back in here. Yeah.
398
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:11,262
But hold on, Justin.
399
00:17:11,264 --> 00:17:14,132
Do I have any more fuzzies
in my hair?
400
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,566
[ Chuckles lightly ]
401
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,935
You never did.
402
00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:29,947
Hey, Shelly.
403
00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:31,983
You wanted to talk?
404
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:33,251
Um...
405
00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,719
[ Chuckles lightly ]
406
00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:41,059
You know, as much as I love
making our nighttime pb&js...
407
00:17:41,061 --> 00:17:43,027
Where you're the jelly
'cause you're sweet
408
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,629
and you smell like berries,
409
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:49,767
and I'm the peanut butter
'cause I'm nutty and chunky...
410
00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:51,436
It's just that [Sighs]
411
00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,206
I want to be more
than a Booty call with you,
412
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,941
and I'm hoping you do, too.
413
00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:59,110
Aww, Shelly.
414
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,879
That's so sweet.
415
00:18:01,881 --> 00:18:03,815
But I'm sorry.
416
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:08,886
You're just, you know, not the
kind of guy that I date date.
417
00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:17,228
Oh, my god.
418
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:22,066
That is not how it went down
in "love actually."
419
00:18:22,068 --> 00:18:24,202
Shelly, I'm so sorry.
420
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:25,670
It's her loss, man.
421
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:27,572
No, it's my loss.
422
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,542
Trust me... I've seen her naked.
423
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,313
Shelly, let me just
share something with you...
424
00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,882
Actually, Candace,
he's pretty down already,
425
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:40,952
and most of your stories
end up really depressing.
426
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:45,123
No, when... when I was a kid,
I was homeless.
427
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,791
And we're off.
428
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,627
So my mom and I lived in a car
for a while,
429
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:52,296
but I always knew
that I could look out the window
430
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:54,398
and see my best friend, Carol.
431
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:57,368
See? It's fine.
She had a friend.
432
00:18:57,370 --> 00:18:58,936
Carol was my reflection.
433
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,545
The point is,
even when times were bleak,
434
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:10,581
I knew that someday
I would have a new life
435
00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:13,251
with real friends
who care about me.
436
00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:15,286
And I can already feel it
happening.
437
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:18,022
You just have to believe
that there's a girl out there
438
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,457
who deserves you.
439
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,492
Because if you believe it,
eventually, it will happen.
440
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:24,262
[ Cellphone chimes ]
441
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,796
Oh, that's Vanessa.
442
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:29,333
She still wants me to come over
tonight at midnight.
443
00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:32,737
But I'm telling her
I'm needing something more.
444
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:35,573
[ Chuckles lightly ]
445
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:38,075
I'm so proud of you.
446
00:19:38,077 --> 00:19:39,310
How does it feel?
447
00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:42,480
Not as good as sex, but...
448
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:43,814
Good.
449
00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:47,451
Sometimes turning down a woman
can feel better than sex.
450
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,556
That's another one
for the journal.
451
00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,224
Okay, here they come.
452
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,946
Remember, if Richard looks over,
act normal.
453
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,436
Burski, he said act normal.
454
00:20:05,438 --> 00:20:07,972
Someday,
that will be normal for us.
455
00:20:09,309 --> 00:20:10,541
Best...
456
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,676
Day...
457
00:20:11,678 --> 00:20:13,311
In...
458
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:15,279
The history...
459
00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:18,015
Of all the days!
460
00:20:21,187 --> 00:20:22,520
Yeah.
461
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,322
You know what?
This is a big deal for me.
462
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,057
And it was all because of you,
so thank you.
463
00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:29,360
Um, I've been trying to get you
a job for like 10 years.
464
00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,828
Justin did it
in less than a day,
465
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:33,731
so maybe next time
ask him for advice sooner.
466
00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,167
I'm really proud of you, Danny.
467
00:20:36,169 --> 00:20:37,401
This is so bucky.
468
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,036
I can't believe
I just said that.
469
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:43,941
Danny: All right, Justin,
I'm headed to work.
470
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:56,120
What the hell are you wearing?
471
00:20:56,122 --> 00:20:58,656
I'm the one, dude.
472
00:21:05,031 --> 00:21:06,397
[ Grunts ]
473
00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:07,598
I can't fly yet,
474
00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:10,067
but I can probably do it
eventually.
475
00:21:19,512 --> 00:21:22,046
Daniel, it's time.
476
00:21:22,882 --> 00:21:24,482
I just want to be supportive.
477
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:25,916
It's his first day.
34512
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