Original subtitles

[music playing]

[non-english speech]

Venerable ancestors, 1,000 years ago the evil one

was driven from the face of the globe.

As we've been foretold, there would come a time

when evil, corruption, and perversion would rise again,

and the evil one would be able to return.

That time is now.

At the end of Mercury's next journey,

the dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter.

If at that moment, the monkey will ride the jaguar,

and the tiger will feast on the nubile,

the order of the universe will be such that the evil one will

reign supreme for eternity.

There is only one being who can confront the evil one.

The chosen one is on his way to us now.

I'm gonna kill you.

Hey!

A 560SL?

Outrageous.

Arthur, when'd you get it?

Hey.

This baby is my commission on that Stuart Pandex takeover.

You were in on Stuart Pandex?

You lucky bastard.

Hey.

Luck had nothing to do with it.

My cleaning lady's nephew's son works for Reginald Stuart.

I knew about that deal six months ago.

Hey.

Inside information?

That's illegal.

And this, my friend, is a Mercedes convertible.

And it's all mine.

[laughter]

Hello.

[screaming]

Bye bye, Kabukiman.

Looks like you and your family are through!

You can kill me, but you can't kill the spirit of Kabukiman.

Your husband Ichiro can't make it to his performance

tonight, sweetheart.

Too bad, 'cause you're going to be the hit on Broadway!

I'm telling you man.

With newsreels, the babes are gonna be falling all over you.

-Huh? -Oh my.

Dear me.

What happened?

Where did she come from?

Here you go buddy. Get yourself a cup of coffee.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): Griswold's the name,

Sergeant Harry Griswold, NYPD.

This city can take its toll on some.

Don't get me wrong.

There are a lot of nice qualities about this town,

and some not so nice.

I was following up on a lead to what some might consider just

another New York City massacre-- a pretty woman thrown out

of a high rise window, her Japanese husband

disemboweled, and their two kids turned into shredded wheat.

I was supposed to be having dinner

with a friend and coworker, Connie LaRosa,

and looking forward to it.

Instead, I stopped at my favorite sidewalk cafe

for a quick bite and was on my way to some kind

of amateur kabuki performance.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to lifestyles of the wealthy and well known.

Today, we are in a glamorous New York City theater,

where just about to begin is a special performance

of the first Manhattan Kabuki Players' adaptation

of the Kabuki Couple.

Tonight, we are fortunate to focus our spotlight of glamour

on Mr. Reginald Stuart, New York billion businessman

and philanthropist.

Good evening, Mr. Stuart.

Good evening, Brian.

It's a great pleasure to be with you tonight.

Your Stuart Foundation provided the funding

for tonight's performance.

That's right.

We did.

At the Stuart Pandex Corporation,

we believe that corporate funding is the best way

to bring culture to the masses.

The reason we've sponsored this particular kabuki performance

is that I myself have been personally

interested for a long time in the work of Mr. Sato

and his family who have trained this amateur troupe.

Five minutes to curtain, Mr. Sato.

My revered elder stands ready to pass the gift

and raise the spirit of Kabukiman.

He will now consume the banquet of joining.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): My boss, Captain Bender, told me

the Japanese entertain themselves

by going to the kabuki theater.

It's a tradition that's been going on for hundreds of years.

The men dress up like women, and do

some kind of poses in slow motion,

and make some kind of weird noises.

[moaning]

I had no idea what I was getting into.

What I did know was that I had missed another date

with Connie LaRosa.

Grandfather, I grow nervous.

The performance has already begun

and the Chosen One has not yet arrived.

If he's not here to receive the gift

when the moon hangs from the eye of the squid,

what will transpire?

Hey, Asuka-san, you must have some hand.

If something has befallen Ichiro,

will you pass the ancient kabuki powers to me?

But Grandfather!

[applause]

[moaning]

Hey, Felix-san.

This place is a real mess.

Why do you guys always make such a mess?

Eat, eat, eat, drink, drink, drink.

It's all you ever do.

Stop complaining.

Are you in?

[moaning]

I must call.

[moaning]

Hey, stop it.

Cut that out, Felix-san.

Do something, Oscar-san.

Do something.

[grunting]

[gunshot]

[gunshots]

[screaming]

[gunshots]

[laughter]

[gunshots]

[screaming]

[gunshots]

This is great, huh?

Lot better than I expected.

Everybody freeze!

Police!

[gunshot]

Get out of the way.

Move it.

I'm on top of it!

[gunshots]

Oh my god.

I don't believe what I'm seeing.

The performers are being mowed down by cheaply dressed thugs

brandishing expensive, custom made automatic weapons!

[screaming]

[gunshots]

Bullets fly and rip my flesh.

Even I am not immune to the dazzling gunplay

as I am almost cut in half.

It's truly mind-numbing, more fabulous in its scope

than-- than even the fabulous Drum Princess.

[gunshots]

Shoot her. Go ahead.

Shoot her.

[screaming]

What are you doing?

I think I just saved your life, Miss.

Remove yourself from my body, you filthy oaf!

You're welcome.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, knock it off!

[sirens wailing]

Let's get outta here.

Will you guys relax?

We're supposed to be having fun here!

[speaking japanese]

Itsumo something crazy!

OK.

I'm wearing a dress.

First, I'm kissed by a guy.

Now I'm wearing a dress.

Fine.

How did it feel watching your grandfather being

mowed down by machine guns?

[sobbing]

Police!

Freeze.

Now could you ladies, you guys, tell me exactly what happened?

When the bullets started flying, I hit the floor.

Yeah, it was like something out of the movies,

you know what I mean? -I need numbers.

Did you see anybody. -There were five of them.

12

There were give.

We don't wanna get involved.

Whoa!

Freeze!

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): That was the kind of boss

Captain Bender was, always around when

things were going wrong.

I know this is a hard and trying time for you,

but what did you think when you saw

rivulets of blood flowing down his beautiful kabuki costume?

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): I had to admit,

I felt pretty silly wearing a kabuki dress.

And my fellow officers being there only made matters worse.

[alarm wailing]

Rembrandt, what could possibly have been running

through your mind when you decided to shoot up

and entire theater.

We almost achieved our goals.

There's no reason to draw attention to our operation now.

Now I'm gonna have to get involved

and wipe all your little asses.

[buzzing]

Yes?

SECRETARY (ON PHONE): Reverend Snipes is here to see you, sir.

Snipes is here.

Send him in.

[door opens]

Reverend Snipes, so good to see you.

What brings you here at such an ungodly hour?

Who are you kidding, Reggie?

We got business to discuss.

Oh?

Have we?

You bet your corporate butt we do.

Your little contributions to my youth center

just aren't going as far as they used

to, if you know what I mean.

I got expenses and an overhead like you wouldn't believe.

And I have no intentions of running

a non-profit organization.

So what is your point, Reverend?

I tell my people to stop patronizing

some of your businesses, like that fast food chain.

And you'll feel that power give you a good, hard kick

in that fat wallet of yours.

I also got a certain female police detective

who's been on my ass lately.

And I'm sure you wouldn't want any word leaking out

about your long term financial involvement in my organization,

if you catch my meaning.

I think so.

Sir, you can't come in here, sir.

Get your hands off me. I go where I please.

You can't.

Uncle Reggie, sorry for barging in, but we gotta talk.

Excuse me, Reverend.

This will only take a second.

What is it, Skipper?

I thought we had an agreement here.

I thought we had a relationship.

I was gonna take the rap for that shit at the theater.

You were gonna get me off and make me a Vice President

with a corner office-- no jail, no conviction,

nothing-- just a couple of mug shots and a statement,

and that's it.

That was our understanding.

But I just spent the past four hours down in the can

with some real criminals, waiting for your guy

to come bail me the hell out!

Do you know what it's like to be violated

by a 300 pound Filipino skinhead named Gunther?

It ain't non picnic!

Ah, Skipper, Skipper.

Calm down, boy.

I guarantee you'll never spend another night in jail.

[silenced gunshot]

Use the magazine.

He's getting blood all over my new carpet.

Always wanted to be on the cover of the Financial Week,

Skippy.

Here's your shot.

You look great.

Now let's see.

Where were we?

Ah, yes.

You were threatening me.

You're nothing but a third rate conman, Reverend Snipes.

But I have a need for you.

That is, if you think you can play hardball.

Are you ready for the major leagues, Reverend?

Good.

There's a lot of tension in the city now.

And I want you to keep the flame on high.

When it starts to boil over, I'll

be there to arm the revolution.

And when it gets out of control, I'll be

there to restore order again.

And then, Reverend, then you'll see real power.

[opera music playing]

Kabukiman.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): When I showed up at the station house

the next day, I knew the boys would

be making jokes at my expense.

This is what's known as an erect nipple.

Hey, Harry.

Where's your pretty dress?

Your mother wanted it back.

Yeah right.

Hey, its Madame Butterfly.

You want some milk, Harry?

LaRosa.

Hey, Connie.

You know, this whole thing has been

blown way out of proportion.

Sure, sure, Harry.

You're gonna be all right.

Listen, Connie.

What do you say we try for dinner again tonight.

I don't know what it is, but I hate to say it.

I have this craving for Japanese food.

Yeah?

LaRosa, have dinner with me tonight.

What do you say, Connie?

I'd like to, Harry, but I gotta be in court tonight.

Hey, look.

I usually go jogging after work.

You wanna join me?

No.

Running.

I'll be wearing my new spandex jogging shorts.

I was just saying to myself I should get some more exercise.

Spandex?

Forget it, Harry.

You don't have the legs for spandex!

Besides, Bender wants to see you in his office now.

Do you come to this jail often?

Oh, I'm a steady patron here.

But yes!

Commissioner, look.

I understand that!

Look, I'll do it.

Damn!

You're busy.

I'll come back.

Griswold, sit down!

Now about last night.

OK, OK.

I can explain.

OK, first of all, it wasn't a dress I was wearing.

It was a kimono.

I don't wanna know.

I just wanna tell you that while you were playing geisha girl,

Reginald Stuart's security men captured the perp.

What?

You heard me.

Some cracked out wacko did it.

Seems he had it in for Japanese ever

since he got fired for using drugs at a Toyota plant.

I was there.

There were at least five guys shooting.

Yeah, the other men were Stuart's security men.

And by the way, you shot four of 'em!

Fortunately, they're OK and Reginald Stuart

advised them not to press any charges against you.

But you owe your ass to Reginald Stuart.

There's no way those guys were security.

They-- they were shooting at the actors!

They were shooting at me!

Harry, you're not fucking listening to me.

Look.

We got the guy who shot up the theater.

I got eyewitnesses who IDed him.

I got signed, notarized statements,

and I got a confession.

Case closed.

Who's this?

That's the perp.

You see?

I told you.

That's not the guy.

Harry, you don't get it, do you?

That's it.

The case is closed.

Look. I'm happy.

The Commissioner's happy.

The Mayor's happy.

And Reginald Stuart is happy.

And there's one other loose end.

There's a woman waiting for you in the interrogation room.

She says she was at the theater last night.

The old man who was killed was her grandfather.

Find out what she wants and give her the good news.

But--

But nothing!

That's it!

The case is closed.

You have a very important new assignment,

the Goldberg dry cleaning case.

I'm taking Joseph off and I'm putting you on it.

Goldberg Dry Cleaners?

Those three stupid stolen shirts?

It's four, and they're my stupid, stolen shirts!

Now get to it!

This is the part where you leave, Griswold.

Holy cow.

There.

She's naked.

What?

Is it Felicia the Flasher?

[phone ringing]

Sergeant Griswold, I do not have

much time, so I'll be brief.

A regrettable twist of fate has chosen you

as a recipient of amazing, super mortal powers

that have been passed down through generations

of kabuki actors in my family.

Please, consume the banquet of joining

in honor of your benefactors.

What?

Eat!

All right.

That's it.

I am outta here.

Oh, oh, oh.

I get it.

This is a joke, right?

This is no joke, Detective.

The changes in you have already begun.

I saw the markings on your face at the theater.

Look at how you are dress now.

The spirit of Kabukiman lives within you.

Eat!

Oh, look, Miss.

Please.

Uh.

I'm sorry about what happened.

And I know you've suffered a terrible loss.

But I have some good news for you.

They caught the guy who killed your grandfather.

You

Fool!

They do not have the one responsible

for my grandfather's death.

Why do you say that?

Because my grandfather was not killed by a man.

His death was orchestrated by the spirit of the evil one.

Evil spirits?

Come on now.

You're a full grown woman, all right?

You just talk to me in normal English.

At the end of Mercury's next journey,

the Dragon shall dance through the hoop of Jupiter.

Jup--

And at that moment, the Monkey will ride the Jaguar

and the Tiger will feast on the Nubile.

The order of the universe will be such that the evil one

will reign for eternity.

Now do I make myself perfectly clear?

Oh yeah.

Yeah.

Fine.

Mhm.

I"ll send a squad car over right away to pick up Mr. Evil.

Now just one question for the big money.

Who is the evil one?

Five seconds.

I do not know!

You're the detective!

Yes, I am the detective and you are a fruit loop!

Do not treat me as an inferior.

I am easily your better!

If only the order of the universe

were not so unfair to womankind, I

would have been chosen to receive the gift

and would not now be dealing with such

a penis-wielding imbecile as yourself!

You will find me when the time is right.

[door closes]

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): I didn't buy

that story the Captain gave me about Reginald

Stuart and his men.

So I decided to go over to his office

and see what Mr. Stuart was up to.

SECRETARY (ON PHONE): Shall I say you're in a meeting?

STUART: No, let's see what the little fella wants.

How you doing, boys?

Oh, oh.

Hey, I hope I'm not interrupting something.

I'll just--

Not at all.

Please, just come in.

I hope you won't mind if I won't get up?

No, no, no.

Whatever.

Fine.

Ah, not so hard.

That's better.

Ah, now it's Mr. Oswold, is it?

Sergeant Griswold.

Well, how many I be of service to you, Detective Griswold?

I understand that your company financed the Japanese theater

troupe that was attacked last night,

and that your men helped break it up.

Griswold, of course.

You're the officer who shot my employees.

Well, you need not worry, Detective Griswold.

I've advised them not to press charges against you.

You were, after all, just doing your job, weren't you?

Ah, finished.

Great, Amanda.

Absolutely great.

Thank you so much, dear.

They were a little more scuffed than usual, Mr. Stuart,

but the hard brush took care of it.

Have you ever considered working in the private sector,

Detective Griswold.

You could afford so many nice things.

I don't need nice things.

Isn't that an authentic Shogun sword

from the Tokugawa Ieyasu Shogunate manufactured

in Edo in, I'd say, 1630?

Why, yes.

As a matter of fact, it is a Tokugawa,

and it was made in Edo.

But how did you know that?

How did I know that?

It's such a beautiful instrument,

so perfectly balanced.

May I?

Please.

[speaking japanese]

Detective Griswold.

Detective Griswold.

Detective Griswold!

Oh.

Oh.

[gasp]

I hope that wasn't expensive.

Expensive?

That vase cost just a little bit more

than you're likely to make ever.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): And I thought

it was best I left things the way

they were with Reggie Stuart.

Anyway, I had a very important appointment with Connie LaRosa.

it was my big chance to impress her.

Yo, Grizz.

Looking good.

Come on.

I wanna see you sweat.

You do this to yourself everyday?

No, I usually run 10 miles.

But today, since you're here, I think we'll only do 3.

Besides, we should save our energy for later.

Later?

Yeah, later.

Connie?

CONNIE: Yeah?

I gotta stop now or I'll die.

Not bad, Grizz.

I expected you to boot two laps ago.

You're an animal, LaRosa, an animal.

I don't know, but if you're after this Reverend Snipes guy,

I almost pity the poor bastard.

You know all those wonderful youth centers

he's got set up all over town?

Well, it just so happens that he's using it as a front

for a major drug operation.

And he's got this huge corporation, Stuart Pandex,

paying for the whole thing.

Stuart Pandex?

As in, Reginald Stuart?

You know how Snipes passes himself off

as this anti-establishment activist,

like he's some kind of man of the street, friend to the poor?

Well, it just so happens that he's a major shareholder

in Stuart Pandex.

And not only that, Harry, he hasn't paid taxes in years!

Hasn't paid taxes?

He oughtta run for mayor.

I got enough to bust this guy right now, Harry.

I just gotta put all the information together

for Bender.

I'm gonna make detective for this one, Harry.

You deserve it, Connie.

You're a good cop.

You think so, Harry?

You know I do.

Tonight.

Thanks.

I think I'll run a few more laps.

You'll wait here for me?

Knock yourself out.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): What kind of a detective was I?

LaRosa was after Snipes, but Snipes was gonna get LaRosa.

I should have been there for her.

Hey, you.

You, haven't I seen you around Reverend Snipes' youth center,

snooping around the boys?

The boys just love spandex.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

I was just kidding, sweetheart.

Get off.

[laughter]

Enjoy your spandex!

You just got yourself a bunch of new boyfriends.

Hey!

Get the freaking bitch!

Come on, let's go.

Come on.

Get off me!

[screaming]

We'll pleasure you, policewoman.

Connie!

[screaming]

Scream for your life, sugar pie.

Freeze, police!

[gunshots]

This guy's not normal.

Something's wrong here.

What the--

What the hell?

Kabukiman sanjo.

[opera music playing]

Hey, who put that there?

[growling]

Die.

Gonna mess you up, dead meat.

Yoohoo.

Come on, man. Let's go.

Come on.

One more time.

Come on.

Stop.

Stay back.

This is police business.

Hit the deck!

Come on.

Whoa!

You're going down, faggot!

Oh my god!

Using chopsticks!

You'd suppose he'd use knives and forks.

You clumsy carnival cop!

What are you gonna do to me, a poor, defenseless woman, huh?

A woman alone!

Argh!

And besides, that striped outfit looks ridiculous.

Sounds like my ex-wife.

Oh, here . You want this?

Here you go.

[sirens wailing]

Connie!

Office, don't bother taking notes.

Only three people were killed.

But I feel much safer in the park now.

This guy in the bathrobe is a real hero.

A real New York hero, huh?

Yeah.

Connie!

I'm sorry.

I-- I shouldn't have let this happen.

What are you doing here?

-Freeze, you two! -Don't shoot!

Stop.

I'm a cop.

I'm a cop.

I have a badge.

I'm Harry Griswold.

Griswold?

Hey, I hear about this guy running around with makeup on.

All right, Griswold.

Let me see your shield.

Where the-- oh.

It's over here.

Slowly.

Holy shit.

It is Griswold!

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the guy.

He did it to us.

Shut up, you weenie!

Pig!

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): Lotus and I rode in the ambulance

with LaRosa, but the doctors made us leave

and so Lotus and I decided to wait

it out in an Italian restaurant across the street.

I was depressed, and I was confused,

and I was turning Japanese.

Here's your fish!

What kind of a schmuck orders raw

fish in an Italian restaurant?

I've been craving raw mackerel all day.

I can't believe this.

I'm eating a smelly, dead fish, and I'm loving it.

Are you so blind you cannot see the changes in yourself?

Detective, soon the Dragon will dance

through the hoop of Jupiter.

If at that moment, the Monkey will ride the Jaguar

and the Tiger will feast on the Nubile,

the order of the universe will be such that the evil one will

reign supreme for eternity!

There are only a few days left!

Oh, oh my.

And I haven't even started shopping yet.

The Chosen One who was killed had trained for 25 years.

If we do not begin to try and master your powers,

there will be no champion to oppose the evil one.

Champion?

This champion stuff, I'm sorry.

They didn't have the champion course at the Police Academy.

I'm just a gun and badge man.

You do not have a choice in the matter.

Fate has selected you.

You are the Kabukiman.

It is your duty.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV): A New York City policewoman

was brutally raped and beaten in a Central

Park wildling incident today.

I can't believe it.

NEWSCASTER (ON TV): We now take you live to Reverend Snipes,

outspoken community leader.

What is it?

I'm an angry man tonight.

And I hope I'm not alone in my anger.

When man children are persecuted for youthful indiscretions

as though they were hardened criminals, it makes me angry!

The media circus that's been generated

by this minor incident makes me angry!

You know and I know that your television cameras

and your newspaper reporters would be nowhere in sight

if those involved had been the children

of privilege instead of these innocent victims of poverty.

Why do we hear about the deadly transvestite detective,

the sadist in a striped bathrobe--

[gunshots]

Publicity-hungry jackass!

He's more trouble than he's worth.

I never should have given him the assignment.

I told you to let me handle it.

You were right.

Rembrandt's always right.

Rembrandt, I want you to insert yourself much

more deeply into the situation.

Yes, sir.

That policewoman does not live through the night,

you understand?

Yes, sir.

Rembrandt, this time, be a little less artistic.

Just make it look like a simple accident, OK?

Gee, officer, LaRosa, it's such a shame

that the hospital's gonna make a slight mistake

with your dosage.

Goodbye, Officer LaRosa.

Hello, Doctor.

Well, excuse me, Doctor.

You're too important to speak to a lowly nurse.

Boy, that burns me down.

Well, dear, it's time for your aspirin.

[muffled shouting]

Gee, I guess you're not doing as well as I thought you were.

My goodness.

That's a lot of morphine the Doctor's prescribed.

Oh well.

Doctor knows best.

[muffled shouting]

Yes, dear.

I know you're in a lot of pain.

But you're gonna be all right in a minute.

Holy shit.

Connie LaRosa.

LaRosa's room, where is it?

No visitors.

What do you mean no visitors?

Wait a--

It wasn't my fault. I was watching TV and then

they just came in and--

You were supposed to give her aspirin.

Look what you did to her.

It killed her.

She had a headache.

Now she's dead.

What happened?

DOCTOR: I'm gonna be in big trouble.

This is gonna go on your permanent record.

NURSE: No, don't let it ruin my career.

It was an accident!

I'm sorry, sir!

Connie?

I'm telling you, Dick.

LaRosa was murdered.

She was murdered!

I saw him in the hospital, the same guy

I saw shoot up the theater!

And I told you, Griswold.

The theater case is closed.

Come on, Dick.

Wake up.

Something stinks here.

All right.

First, this Reginald Stuart guy just hands

us the supposed theater killer.

Then Reverend Snipes, who LaRosa was investigating,

bails out the gang that attacked LaRosa.

And then the hospital just happens to mix up

LaRosa's charts and kills her?

I'm telling you, Dick.

The guy who shot up the theater is the guy who killed LaRosa.

And somehow Stuart and Snipes are involved.

Cut the crap, Griswold.

You're not fooling anybody.

If you'd have stuck to being a cop instead

of dancing around in your fairy suit, none of this

would have happened.

LaRosa's dead 'cause of you, asshole.

Cut it out!

Cut it out.

Cut it out!

Now, look.

We're all upset about Connie.

Yesterday, the Commissioner calls

me to take a bite out of my ass the size of Brooklyn

because one of my men is running around harassing

Reginald Stuart!

Look, I got newspapers all over my ass about a vigilante cop.

This is it, Harry.

This is the last warning.

There will be no more makeup, no more kimonos,

and no more chopsticks!

So you're just gonna leave Snipes alone?

Harry, Harry, get the hell out!

Get the hell out!

Get the hell out!

Jesus Christ.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): Something had to be done.

Snipes had to be dealt with.

REVEREND SNIPES: Brothers and sisters, brethren and sistern,

let me hear an amen.

CONGREGATION: Amen!

Hallelujah!

REVEREND SNIPES: The good Lord thanks you for your generosity.

CONGREGATION: Preach the word!

Your money will help pay for the legal defense

of these innocent young victims of the wealthy elite who

run this city.

Now, I'm not gonna ask you where you

got all those watches and jewelry that you so

generously gave to your church.

Because now is the time to give with open arms.

Boy, this stuff is coming in hot and heavy.

And there's plenty more out there.

Let me hear an amen!

Amen!

We must be strong against the scourge of crime.

Hallelujah!

We must be strong against the scourge of racists.

But most of all, we must be strong against the scourge

of drugs!

CONGREGATION: Tell the word of God!

Beware the dealers of drugs.

For they are everywhere.

Why, some of those vultures are standing across the street,

peddling their poison even now.

In fact, one of 'em's wearing a big red hat,

red like the Devil.

You can't miss him!

[chuckling]

Reverend, Sargent Harry Griswold.

I wanna ask you some questions.

My people have been harassed enough

by you and your stormtrooper detectives.

I have nothing to say.

Well, then I'll talk.

Because I think it's pretty damn strange that these maggots

you're defending attacked a police officer

that was investigating you.

And now she's dead.

How dare you come into my-- I mean,

the Lord's house and accuse me.

I have more lawyers than you've got fingers, junior.

Sure, you're upset over the accidental death

of a fellow office.

I understand.

But from what I hear, she was dressed pretty hot.

Maybe she was in the park looking

for a little action, Detective.

Ugh!

Stay back.

I can't be responsible for what's gonna happen!

Oh, that's it.

Kabuki spirit, come on now!

Stay back!

He's turning into that guy in the striped bathrobe again!

All right.

Nobody move!

Watch him, man!

He's crazy.

You bastards.

You killed LaRosa!

Now I'm gonna get you.

Don't kill me.

I'll give you anything you want.

I'll give you drugs.

I'll give you women.

I'll give you my season tickets to the Giants!

What do you want?

I want you!

Quit clowning with us, asshole.

I warn you.

I'll use my chopsticks!

[squeaking]

Where'd that clown go?

Police emergency, kid.

I need to commandeer this vehicle.

Now!

Here.

Let's get out of here.

Let me go!

Let me go.

What the hell are you doing, boys?

Hey, buddy.

What's the matter with you?

[screaming]

A tricycle.

A unicycle.

This'll do.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Pardon me.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Get out of the way. Look out.

Look out.

Oh my god.

Look out.

Oh my god.

[screaming]

Get him! Get the clown!

Shut up, weenie!

[screaming]

He's in the alley.

Cut him off!

Whoa!

Get out of the way, honey.

Watch out!

Whoa!

Kids, cheer up.

Coco the Clown will be here any moment.

I paid full price in advance.

I know he's coming, so cheer up.

Come on, kids.

Follow him into the park.

Bring your gun!

You see this cute little thing?

Come on now.

Work.

I paid a lot of money for these noisemakers, you guys.

That stupid clown was supposed to be here a half-hour ago.

I knew I should have used Ms. Priscilla the Magician.

Look, look.

Here he comes.

Well, at least he's hurrying.

Kids, kids.

Smile.

Kids, look.

I hate clowns.

Now it's a party.

Now have some fun.

Nancy Niffisant said that when you first got here,

you would do your act next to the little birthday girl.

And now will you bring out the two-headed poodle now?

I don't want--

[gunfire]

GRISWOLD: Happy birthday!

Outta my way!

Get outta here.

Get outta here.

[burp]

Awesome party.

Where'd you get all the guns?

Wait a minute.

I don't have my safety belt on.

Come on with that, you weenie.

Stop in the name of the law.

There's a clown on the windshield.

Do something about it!

Get rid of him.

We can't see.

Come on.

Swerve.

Get off!

Get rid of him!

Get off!

Good to see you, Captain Bender.

And I hope they catch the bastard

that stole your three shirts.

Well, that's four shirts.

But don't worry about it, Herb.

I got my best man on it-- Harry Griswold.

Pull it over!

He wants you to pull it over.

So?

Pull it over.

Yeah, I'll take care of the bozo.

He's still there.

Do something!

Oh no!

He's using Silly String.

Now we really can't see!

[scream]

Once again, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Get him off!

Move!

Get him!

I can't see!

Take care.

Have a good day.

[honking]

Look what you made me do, you weenie!

What did you do to the car, you weenie?

You're the driver.

[police siren]

Cops.

Let's get outta here.

Good thing I had my safety belt on.

Oh.

Oh, my head.

Oh god.

Why did they-- what the hell?

Oh god.

What did they do to me?

What did they do?

Uh, Mr. Goldberg, Detective Harry Griswold.

I need to ask you a few questions

about the shirt robbery.

[rambling]

Now were the shirts in boxers, or on hangers, or--

Freeze!

Don't shoot. Don't shoot.

It's me.

It's me, Harry Griswold.

Ha, Harry Griswold.

I know Harry-- holy shit.

It is Griswold.

Griswold, what the hell are you doing here?

What did you do?

GRISWOLD: I'm-- I'm innocent.

OFFICER: Get in the car, you clown.

GRISWOLD: I didn't do it!

Nice dissolve, huh?

BENDER: Harry, you're suspended.

Suspended?

Look, Harry.

Look, I tried to warn you.

[squeaky horn]

But this clown thing is the last straw.

I got Snipes pressing charges against you.

Damn matches.

Thank you.

L-- let me help you, Captain.

Not to mention, a kid who tells me that you stole his tricycle?

Reginald Stuart is bent out of shape?

The newspapers are using you to make a laughingstock

of the entire force.

[echoing laughter]

Turn that damn thing off.

But Snipes--

Forget a-- Harry, forget about Snipes.

Look.

You know if it was up to me, I'd give you another chance.

I'd give you another shot.

But the word's coming down from the top this time

and-- give me your gun, and give me your shield.

Give this thing a chance to cool down, OK?

I'm sorry, Harry.

GRISWOLD (VOICEOVER): OK.

So things had gotten out of hand.

There was only one thing left to do-- go see Lotus.

I figured maybe she could turn things around for me.

[doorbell]

I didn't know she had a butler.

Excusez-moi.

Howdy.

How you doing?

Listen.

I'm sorry about my behavior before.

You're right.

I do need to learn how to control whatever this thing

that's happening to me is.

Oh.

Look.

All gone.

Yummy worms.

Tasted just like chicken.

So what's with the monkey?

His name is Toyota.

Toyota?

LOTUS: He was born in the backseat of a 2000GT.

I like a dog-face monkey that has an appreciation

for expensive sports cars.

Please remove your shoes, and Toyota will

bring you a change of clothing.

Clothing.

What size?

Please join me in meditation.

Oh.

Well, all right.

All right.

OK.

This is kind of a rush.

Please close your eyes and concentrate, Detective.

Om.

(SINGING) She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

When she comes.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

She'll be coming round the mountain when-- oh.

A little foot massage.

Very nice.

You know, your hands feel a little rough, sort

of like rope.

Hey.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey! Let me down!

It is important that we establish

an effective teacher-pupil relationship.

If we had more time, we could build

the foundations of the relationship

on mutual respect and trust.

As it is, it will be easier to work with fear and pain.

[screaming]

What the hell did you do that for?

To get your attention.

Your first lesson will develop your patience,

concentration, and endurance.

Now I want you to separate the rice into

brown, white, and yellow piles.

And then count every grain.

Are you outta your mind?

Cut me down from here right now.

Please begin to separate and count the rice, Detective.

The bamboo can withstand more blows than your nether regions.

All right. All right.

OK.

All right.

1 white grain.

1 yellow grain.

1 brown grain.

2 white grains.

3,182 grains of yellow rice.

And, uh-- 1,800 and-- 46 grains of brown rice.

Very good.

That only took you five hours.

Concentration and focus are the key to harnessing

your Kabukiman powers.

Now let's see if you can do it in three hours.

Look.

I told you I am aching all over.

I got a headache this big.

I can't imagine why.

My nether regions are somewhere in South Jersey.

And on top of that, you've ruined my appetite for rice.

I'm going home.

But we must complete your training.

Lady, off of me, OK?

Look, you're not thrilled about me being your Kabuki whatever.

Well, I'm not that thrilled about it myself.

I'm afraid you don't understand.

The Evil One will soon know who you are if he does not already.

If you not prepared by the time the dragon dances

through the hoop of Jupiter--

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the monkeys and the jaguars will

jump rope and go to brunch.

Could you just once say something

that doesn't sound like you just flew in from Pluto?

Clearly, you have no comprehension

of the scope of your mission.

The Evil One never sleeps.

You must be ready for an attack at any time.

Oh, I'm ready to attack.

My pillow.

Domo.

Sayonara.

I have tried in vain to reason with you Japanese style.

Now I must resort to American style.

I'm warning-- I'm warning you.

I don't want to have to hit you.

That's it.

I'm sorry.

I--

A way to a man's brain is through his nether regions.

You win.

I don't get my jollies beating up women, you know.

All right.

I'll do what you want.

Very well.

Kabuki tradition.

American tradition.

One for good luck.

Our revels now are ended.

The time is almost upon us.

Soon, there will be no stopping us.

But in the meantime, we must be very, very careful.

The first thing we must do is to move

everything out of the church.

Now I know this cop, Griswold, has been suspended.

But I've dealt with his type many, many times before.

He will never, never leave us alone.

Griswold must be eliminated.

Everyone associated with Griswold must be eliminated.

Then and only then will everything be in order.

Only then will we emerge triumphant.

LOTUS: Kabukiman's spiritual powers

come from mastering the haiku.

GRISWOLD: What's that? Karate?

No.

It's a classical form of Japanese poetry, you turkey.

Please, read the haiku on the first page.

"Cherry tree on hill.

Wind singing to the blossoms.

My soul is called home."

You will achieve harmony of the body

and mind by mastering this simply yet perfect form.

You know, I couldn't help but notice when we were beating

the crap out of each other that, uh,

you have a simple yet perfect from yourself.

Please, we do not have time for flirtation.

The haiku, Harry.

You called me Harry.

Please, the haiku.

Concentrate.

"Cherry tree on hill.

Wind singing to the blossoms.

My soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill.

Wind singing to the blossoms.

My soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill.

Wind singing to the blossoms.

My soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill.

Wind singing to the blossoms.

My soul is called home." "Cherry tree on hill.

Wind singing to the blossoms.

My soul is called home."

Here you go, buddy.

Get yourself a cup of coffee.

Well done.

Now you must learn to understand and control your powers.

Look around you.

What do you see?

I see-- I see crime.

I see poverty.

I see evil everywhere.

I see a power elite of corporate money mongers controlling

our brains and our destinies while they

dismantled the sacred foundations

of the Bill of Rights.

(SINGING) Oh say can you see.

I see we have work to do.

Come on!

Whoa!

My pursuit of truth, justice, and the Kabuki way had begun.

[music playing]

Tell all your congressmen friends

that if they meddle with the National

Endowment for the Arts, they'll have

me, Kabukiman, to deal with.

So you pimps and hookers want to roll in the hay?

Well, how about a sushi roll?

Oh my god.

It is simply gorgeous. It's lovely.

I can't get enough of it.

Don't touch it.

Come on.

Get moving.

The boss wants his stuff moved to the Stuart Pandex docks

to Tromaville.

You got the lion's cage?

Bananas for the monkey?

After a morning of crime-fighting,

I like to come home to a nice lunch of fresh sea urchin.

You know.

Please excuse the mess.

It looks like a bomb hit it.

[ticking]

Lotus!

Lotus, are you all right?

That's it.

First LaRosa, now you almost got killed.

You may think I'm a champion of good for the whole universe,

but this is something that I have to take

care of for me, Harry Griswold.

LOTUS: Harry, watch out!

CROWD: Oh no!

Thanks.

I'll be around if you need me in there.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're such a weenie.

Can't you be around me without touching me?

Hello, you weenie.

I said stop touching--

That's the crazy police dude with chopsticks.

No!

No!

No!

Where is Snipes?

Who are you?

I'm Kabukiman.

[beeping]

It's Jughead.

He's in trouble.

Now what has that weenie got himself into?

Watch the truck.

You guys come with me.

Smile.

You're on Kabuki Camera.

JUGHEAD: Oh no!

I guess I am a weenie after all.

It's over, Kabukiman.

I'm sure your fans will be a little disappointed.

Come on.

Get him!

Move it!

Get outta my way!

What the?

It's cocktail hour.

I hope you like Molotov.

Get him!

The score is 2-zip, but you're mine now.

Jump.

-Jump? -Jump.

Hold my hand.

Jump.

What are you?

Nuts?

What are you afraid of?

Breaking my neck.

Don't be such a sissy.

I'm not a sissy.

I'm scared of heights, all right?

Look, Kabukiman has the power to fly,

but a grenade in the stomach?

I'm not so sure.

I don't believe I'm doing this.

Woo!

Oh yeah.

All right!

Miller Time!

Fly slowly.

You do not have your superhero learner's permit yet.

We got winds coming in from the north.

Barometric pressure rising.

Oh, foggy conditions ahead.

So Counselor, by cutting a deal with you,

my sleazy client, who we both know is guilty,

walks away scot-free, probably to kill again

but not in our neighborhood.

I don't feel very good.

What's wrong?

I've never flown before.

I usually take the train.

Once again, we both profit at society's expense.

You're not going to be ill, are you?

No, no.

No, no.

[retching]

Well, Counselor, I guess lunch at the Bar Association is off.

I guess I had a little too much sea urchin for lunch.

Since my flight prematurely departed,

I thought I'd drop Lotus off and head back to the church

to pick up another passenger.

I gotta pick up my airplane ticket.

I got my passport.

And I'm getting the hell outta here.

Going somewhere, Reverend?

[screaming]

Let me go!

Let me go!

Please let me go!

I'll do anything you want, anything.

What's the matter with you?

Are you crazy?

Help me!

He's crazy!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, Jesus!

I don't know anything!

Oh yeah?

See that over there?

It's the beautiful Empire State Building.

And if I was to drop you over that point just right,

you would get a crash course in proctology.

You don't start talking, I'm gonna make yakitori out of you.

Get my point, Snipes?

Whoa!

Oh!

Yo!

Yo!

All right!

All right!

I'll talk.

Reginald Stuart.

He's the one you want.

He's the one who got that lady cop killed, not me.

It was Reginald Stuart.

Snipes confessed everything.

I wish you could have seen the look on his face

when I had him hanging over the Empire State Building.

Anyway, I've got it all here on tape.

There's enough here to put him and Stuart away for life.

That's wonderful.

You've done so well in such a short time.

The Evil One must be fearful of you.

It's only because of you.

Without you around, my powers are useless.

You are the champion, Harry, not I. To you and Kabukiman.

[moaning]

Kabukiman sanjo!

I'll be back.

I'm taking this to the cops.

Whoa!

JINGLE (ON RADIO): Z Morning Zoo

ROSS (ON RADIO): It's Ross Briton and the zoo crew.

Coach Mike, you got a special astronomy alert?

MIKE (ON RADIO): Yeah, good news for all the skywatchers.

Tonight, there will be a very rare celestial occurrence.

The Dragonis Pupis will be visible for the first time

in a thousands years. ROSS (ON RADIO): Dragonis--

Hey, Mario.

Turn that radio off and get your gun.

The boss is coming.

[growling]

Mr. Stuart, we're all ready.

We got the tiger and we haven't fed him, just like you said.

We're taking him out for exercises

to make him even hungrier.

Good.

He's good and hungry.

And what have we in this cage?

Now, this is the jaguar, and he's been trying to have

a monkey ride on his back.

OK.

Well, now as for the monkey, we tried to get a regular monkey,

but this lemur is the only kind of monkey

that can ride side saddle.

STUART: OK, a lemur is in the monkey family.

And soon, the Dragon will dance through the hoop of Jupiter.

I thought I left that open.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi, honey.

I missed you.

My hair!

What have you done with Lotus?

By now, your nubile little friend is being

seasoned for the tiger's feast.

You're weakened without her, Kabuki Pig.

Faggot superhero!

[laughter]

Your powers are useless without a woman's love.

All you need is love?

What are you gonna do now, Detective Griswold?

What any good cop would do.

You're not gonna shoot me, are you?

You're under arrest.

You have the right to remain silent.

[gunshot]

Anything you say can and will be used against you

in the court of law.

You have the right to an attorney.

[coughing]

Or an undertaker.

Oh, Lotus.

I can't seem to do it without her.

[scream]

Lotus.

It's OK, pal.

We'll find her.

Lotus.

You got a suggestion?

What are-- what do you got there?

Well-- Come on.

Let's go.

Take me to her.

Come on.

You sure she's in here?

You better not be sending me on a wild goose chase.

This better not be a banana factory, or you're dog meat.

Walking around with a monkey on my back.

I don't believe this.

All right.

We're going in here.

Car coming.

Car coming. Car coming.

Yeah, we'll hide here.

Oh, she's dressed pretty hot.

STUART: Is the tiger ready?

Easy, boy.

Dinner will be served very soon, you hungry little tiger.

STUART: Bring the Nubile.

Soon, it will be time.

No!

Ah, Nubile.

Tie her up tight!

Tie her up.

Tie her up!

Tighter, gentlemen.

Just a bit tighter.

That's fine.

Thank you very much.

So, Lotus, we meet at last.

And let me say, my dear, that you are twice as beautiful

as I thought you'd be.

As you know, dear, today marks the end of Mercury's journey.

In just a few short moments, the Dragon

will dance through the hoop of Jupiter,

the Monkey ride the Jaguar.

And how does the rest of that legend go?

Ah yes.

The Tiger will feast on the Nubile.

And let me tell you, dear, they don't

come much more nubile than you.

You bitch.

You'll get yours.

Hungry, hungry, hungry.

Shh.

Hey, Jack.

Get ready for the Tiger's feast.

I hear you've been trying to instruct

this Detective Griswold in how to assume the powers

of the great Kabukiman.

It was a nice try, darling, but, yeah.

Detective Griswold is dead.

That's right.

My Rembrandt never fails.

He is an artist of death.

Coming, coming, coming.

They are coming.

Coming.

Coming, coming, coming.

Coming here.

Coming here.

Toyota, get the gun.

Detective Griswold was nothing but a clumsy, cheap, low-paid

detective in a $9 suit.

You know how to use one of these?

Take this with you, all right?

There's a couple of gorillas out there now.

No offense.

I want you to go around back.

You get the two out there.

I'm gonna go this way.

All right?

[laughter]

[gunfire]

Harry!

Get them, Harry!

Oh, get them, Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Take that!

Harry.

[gunshots]

Harry.

Lotus, are you all right?

Wait a minute, guy.

I've got something you're gonna love.

Hurry!

Key.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

Good boy.

I'm outta bullets.

Show's' over, Kabukiman.

Freeze, Stuart.

Don't think about it.

Put your hands up slowly.

Slowly.

Put 'em up.

Josephs, Hernandez.

Let's go, Stuart.

Up against the car.

Josephs, put that donut down and get the handcuffs on him.

Harry, you all right?

Harry, I got you to tell you.

We got everything we need to put Snipes and Stuart away.

You did good work.

Many, many take you.

Traitors!

Get the dagger!

We'll use Felicia. She's even more nubile.

She'll taste great.

Let go of me!

STUART: Let the feast begin!

No!

[growling]

No!

No!

[screaming]

It has begun.

The Tiger feasts on the Nubile.

It has begun.

No!

The time has come.

My time has come!

The Evil One.

Hey.

Whoa!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Harry!

Eat the Nubile.

Fulfill the prophecy.

Harry.

Harry!

He's in the larva stage.

And now, I'll just worm my way into my little cocoon.

Harry!

Harry!

Wake up.

He's turning into the Evil One.

Harry!

Come on.

Hurry!

The Evil One is here.

You must become the Kabukiman.

Only two things remain.

The Monkey must ride the Jaguar, and the Dragon must dance

through the Hoop of Jupiter.

Look, it's happening.

See the Dragon, don't you?

Here, let me help.

You see?

It's just like at the planetarium.

The Dragon dances through the Hoop of Jupiter,

and evil will prevail! [laughter]

The Evil One has arrived.

Now it's up to you.

Harry.

Harry.

What the hell is this?

What's going on?

Get back.

Get back.

Take Lotus.

Get back.

Get outta the way!

Kabukiman!

[car engine turning]

Toyota, no!

I'll murder him.

Get away from the Jaguar!

No!

Radio.

JINGLE (ON RADIO): Z Morning Zoo.

ROSS (ON RADIO): It's Ross Briton and the zoo crew.

Radio.

Radio.

No!

Don't ride the Jaguar!

Lotus, come back!

Come back here!

EVIL ONE: No, you stupid woman.

You crazy monkey.

EVIL ONE: Leave the monkey alone!

You mustn't ride the Jaguar.

You're finished, Evil One.

The Monkey did not ride the Jaguar.

No!

Harry!

No!

Harry!

Easy, easy, easy.

All right.

We got you.

All right.

We got you.

I'm-- I'm tired.

I'm-- I'm going home.

Griswold.

I can explain.

I don't want to know.

What I do know is that you're off suspension,

and you're on vacation as of right now.

Let's go, partner.

So, Harry-- I mean, Kabukiman.

You have at least another thousand years

before the next time the dragon dances

through the hoop of Jupiter.

So what are you gonna do with the rest of your time?

Well, I'd like to clean my apartment,

do a little laundry maybe, and take some flying lessons.

Look!

Up in the sky.

It's a flying reptile.

No.

It's a six-winged supersonic sleuth bomber.

No, no, no.

You're thinking of a stealth bomber.

No.

It's a man in a striped bathrobe.

A man in a striped bathrobe?

Whoa!

No, good citizens, it's me.

Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD.

CROWD: Sergeant Kabukiman!

LOTUS: Harry, watch out for that pigeon.

Whoa!

Lotus, help me!

Calm down, Harry!

Do something!

Oh my god, we're gonna crash!

Look out!

Get outta the way!

[crash]

THEME SONG: Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD.

It's your destiny.

Sergeant Kabukiman, you fight off evil.

It was meant to be.

Look around you.

Nothing is the same.

Feel the power running through your vein.

You're a tough cop with a love for more.

Love is the power.

Love gives you power.

Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD.

It's your destiny.

Sergeant Kabukiman, you fight off evil.

It was meant to be.

Trade your nightstick for a pair of chopsticks.

Evil's coming.

The time for evil is now.

Supernatural powers that you possess.

Love is the power.

Love gives you power.

Sergeant Kabukiman, NYPD.

It's your destiny.

Sergeant Kabukiman, you fight off evil.

It was meant to be.