Original subtitles

Leave that jolly good fellow With nobody can deny

Well, toodle -oo, my little scientific sidekick. I shall

miss you.

Later, Beak. Bye -bye, Beaky. Have a good time.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

Beakers, first.

Star Trek Celebrity Cruise. It's a true benchmark in any young man's life.

Well, let's go say goodbye.

Oh, boy.

Bon voyage.

Enjoy your vacation.

That's going to be fun.

Hey, everybody, don't go.

Why don't we synthesize some new alloys and test them for superconductive

properties? It'll be a hoot.

I'd love to, Dr.

Do, but I gave it up for lint. Later. Yeah, I'm a big fan of lint myself.

All right, take care.

Bobo, how about you, Bobo? Want to factor pi?

Pi? Hey, you can count me in.

All righty then. Pi equals 3 .14159.

Bobo, come on. You know the numbers.

Oh, you mean that pi?

Oh, hey, you know...

You know what? I don't think it's very funny you toying with my emotions that

way. I'm taking this.

The cake? But that was for... I'm not a factor pie.

I'm an apartment.

Oh, dear.

Well, I guess when Beaker leaves, the party's over.

Science has left me a bad and lonely man.

I'm the sad and lonely man that science has left you.

I don't get it.

It's a joke, you sad little man.

Oh, dear.

I'm afraid that stranger in the cabinet is right.

I am a sad little man.

Well, darn it all to heck. If Beaker can have an adventure, then so can I.

It's Muppets Tonight with our very special guest star, Andy McDowell. Yay!

Hang on the Muppet tonight.

Yeah!

We've got a show for you.

Guaranteed preview.

Hang on the Muppet. Hang on the Muppet. Hang on the Muppet tonight.

And now, here's the host of our show.

Thank you, thank you. And welcome to Muppet Tonight, the show that believes

flying without a net.

Maybe we should rethink that belief.

Anywho, our very special guest tonight is Andy McDowell.

Yeah, give it up.

And here she is with Kermit in a clip from her new film, Four Weddings and a

Frog. Let's watch, shall we?

Congratulations. Gee, Carrie, I can't believe this is the fourth wedding I've

seen you at. I know, Charles, and there's something I've wanted to do

first met you. Oh, yeah?

Wow,

that was something. I'm obviously not the first frog you've ever kissed. Well,

no, actually, you're the 35th. What?

I mean, really?

Yeah. Well, let's see.

Number one, we were both really young. He was just a tadpole.

Number two was in my biology class.

Oh, so he was your lab partner.

No, he was sedated and pinned down. It ended badly.

And three, four, five, six, he was a horny toad. Uh -huh.

28 was in the kitchen of a French restaurant.

Actually, that was more of a farewell dinner.

I hate when that happens.

34 was Jeremiah.

Jeremiah? Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a very good friend of mine.

And you never understood a single word he said, but you helped him drink his

wine? I have no idea what you're talking about.

And then there was you.

And still no prince?

No, but I'm still trying.

Who's next?

Number 36?

Oh, that's me.

Thank you.

Hey,

you're not a frog.

Yes, I am.

Well,

I suppose we can cancel Carl's lunch order.

Dr. Do is in the house.

What the... Kermit, my main man.

What's the word?

The word?

Well, the word is confused. Are you feeling all right, Dr. Honeydew?

Kermit, Dr.

Do is out. I've gotten in touch with my inner funk master, and his name is Snoop

Dogg. And look who's in the house. What? Hey, Doggy -Doo. The Fly Girls.

My name is Snoop Doggy -Doo, here to set you straight. In the animals and

science, very few are great.

Yo, Fly Girls, kick it live.

It is everything I do and everything I say from my chubby little fingers to my

DNA.

Kick me in the fly, lie girl.

I meant

to say kick it live, lie girl.

Doctor, honey, is everything okay? You're just not acting like yourself.

Of course not, Home Friars. I've changed, man.

internally. Oh, so is the ambulance in street.

I hope Beaker is having a better time than this.

Okay. Okay, attention, everyone.

Can we get our seats, please?

Okay. Well, we just have a few announcements to make. The Klingon

competition has been canceled because, well, as we all know, Klingons come from

a planet that doesn't have any water, so they wouldn't need bathing suits.

Yes, the schedule changes are always my favorite part of the conventions, too.

Ooh,

allow me to introduce myself. I'm George Takei.

Yes.

I played Mr. Sulu on the original Star Trek series.

Rather interesting story about how I got the role.

Would you have a moment?

Well... I was a very young actor then.

Kermit! Hey there, Andy.

Hi, you know, I have an idea for something I'd like to do on the show

Oh, anything you'd like, Andy. You name it. Well, as you know, I'm from South

Carolina. And I thought it would be kind of fun to do a sketch where I play a

southern belle.

Oh, that's a great idea. I'll get the writers right on it.

Hear that, guys?

Southern belle!

Muppets Classic Theater proudly presents Andy McDowell in The Hunchbear of Notre

Dame. What a sad life for me, Quasi -Bobo.

Shot away from the world with only the gargoyles and the bells for company.

Sanctuary!

To the west, little Ricky!

And my third and most precious of

all bells, from the south!

Ding dong, ding dong.

Ding, ding dong.

exactly sure. I told the writers I wanted to play a southern bell, not a

cathedral bell.

Oh, those writers.

Hey, don't worry.

I'll go straighten it out.

Bobo? Yeah?

Don't leave me here alone.

Bobo?

There's a bat in here, Bobo.

Get away.

Get away.

Man, that was the dumbest thing we've ever done.

I know I think perhaps you're forgetting Mr. Poodle Pants and the Mormon

Tabernacle Penguins.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. That was really bad.

Yeah, that was terrible.

Well, listen, you guys, put on something good, and I'm going to go get Andy out

of the belfry. Right, right, right. Rizzo, go put something good on there.

got it, Chief.

Hey, Nigel, roll that tape of Mr. Poodle Pants and the Mormon Tabernacle

Penguins.

Oh, my goodness.

Yoo -hoo!

Come on, you guys.

I can't read this.

Hey,

stop that, you can't. Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness.

What's the matter with you? Get up there.

Hey,

Johnny. Is that the weirdest thing you have ever seen?

No, Sal. That is.

Hey there, Fiamma. Which way to the mosh pit? I'm jonesing for a slam dance.

Hey, that's quite an outfit you got there, bun baby.

Oh, I'm not bunting anymore.

My new name is Hunger. And when I'm hanging out with my punk rock chums...

I'm known as fun guy.

Oh, help me,

Johnny. I'm so confused. Dr.

Honeydew, hey, put yourself together, pal.

Yeah, yeah, stop.

bawling all over Johnny's wingtip. Oh, Sal, hey, come on, huh? Look, look,

worry, honeydew. You're just having what is known as a midlife crisis.

I can help you with this. You know what they say, Bunsen. Know what? Clothes

make the man.

And we're gonna make you a new man. So let's... go get some new clothes, man.

Are you sure that's what they say, Johnny? Hey, who cares?

The man's desperate. Let's go shopping.

Hey!

Johnny Piyama's gone shopping!

Not that I'm into that, pretty Bunsen.

Though you're bald and fat, pretty Bunsen.

We're gonna make you look real cool.

And all the chickens you know will drool.

Not all.

Pretty Bunsen.

Though you're kind of strange, pretty Bunsen.

You've got to change, pal. Pretty Bunsen.

Do you work here?

Oh, if you call this work.

Oh, look, it's a cocker spaniel.

That's very nice.

But, you know, I need to talk to someone about this next sketch.

You see, they dressed me up as a southern bellhop when really I wanted to

southern bell.

You don't want to play no southern bell, doll.

Who said that?

I did.

The name's Honeydew.

Bunsen Honeydew.

Baby, what you want is change. Capisce?

Take it from somebody who's been here.

I had what you might call a...

Midlife crisis.

Well, I'm having what you call a mid -show crisis.

Hey, then come along with me and become anything you dare to be.

Oh, my, just thinking about it makes me feel all hot and flushed. That is

because you're leaning on the hot plate. Oh, sorry.

That's okay.

Andy, are you ready to take a walk on the wild side?

Yes. Where do we start?

Shall we tango? I don't tango, but I tap.

Ah, tap.

The dance of danger.

If only Beaker could see me now.

Which brings me to the time that I had to play the evil Sulu in Mirror Mirror.

Interesting story that, strangely enough, it began...

with a transporter malfunction.

Oh, a waitress, two more sakes, a Sulu style, please.

Oh, and a fucking soda for my friend here.

Well, we discover a parallel universe in which evil creatures exist.

Oh, yo, yo, yo, Kerm, Kerm. Listen, we got to do something about Dr. Duke.

He's becoming Dr.

Luke the Duke.

Oh, don't worry about him, Clifford. It's a classic midlife crisis. You know,

went through the exact same thing back in the mid-'80s.

Really? I can't imagine you going through something like that. I can. Hey,

Nigel, could you roll my midlife crisis, please?

I come home in the morning.

I go to bed feeling the same way. I'm dying for some action.

I'm sick of sitting around here trying to write this book. I need a love

reaction.

Come on now, baby, give me just one. You can't start a fire.

You can't start a fire without us. This gun's for hire.

Even if we're just dancing in the dark.

There you go, Tony.

Yeah. Hold on, Pig.

There you go, Pig.

Hey there, Piggy.

I could use just a little help. You can't...

Even if we're just dancing in the dark.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. Why did you stop dancing?

Oh, well, the music stopped and my midlife crisis is over. See ya.

Oh, no, you don't. I took seven years of tap. We're tapping.

Well, tap.

The dance of danger.

I'm feeling a little nauseated. Is it because of the motion of the boat?

No, it's because of the jokes on the show.

And then there were the practical jokes.

Like the time they dressed up Leonard Nimoy's son as a little Vulcan boy and

brought him onto the set.

They have it on the blooper reel. they'll be showing later this evening.

Oh, my.

You've never seen the blueberry?

Oh, it's rich.

We've been rammed by the Battlestar Galactica fantasy cruise ship. The

has fallen overboard.

We need you. Come on, everyone, to the lifeboat. Finally, here's my chance to

captain a real ship.

Come, Beaker, to the breach. Hello, George.

Hello, Beaker.

Captain Kangaroo, I was just about to send command of the ship.

Oh, well, I'm afraid that's not possible, George. You see, I'm the

officer on this ship. You see, right now I am Commodore of the Sector, Kangaroo.

Aye, aye, Commodore.

Live long and prosper, George.

Mr.

Beaker.

Set ego for bruise.

Hey, Rizzo.

Whoa. Have you seen Andy McDowell? Hey, the last time I saw her, she was with

Bunce and Honeydew, and they were leaving the studio together real cozy.

What do you know about cozy? You're a rat.

Hey, man, I got 121 kids.

I know cozy.

I never knew life could be so thrilling.

Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, sister.

Look, no hands, no eyes.

That way, that was invigorating. Oh, yeah?

Well, it could have been even more invigorating had that rotor blade not

lacerated my spleen.

Oh, Boston, look. An outdoor carnival. Oh, what a turn on.

Oh, race you to the tilt -a -whirl?

Look, Andy, I've just had my big head caricature done, and they've got me

playing golf in scuba gear.

Oh, how wacky can you get?

Now it's your turn.

Oh, big head caricatures are lame.

Why don't you jump instead?

We can bounce up and down and over and over till we curl.

Is that a good thing in our exciting new life?

This is a pretty bad part of town. I think we took a wrong turn back at that

burned -out liquor store.

Sure, this part of town looks dangerous, but it makes me want to do something

wild. Hey, I know.

Let's break into that pet store and bet all the bunnies free.

Bunnies are like that. We'll get our body pierced. Don't you think we should

maybe getting back to the show?

Are we still doing the show? I hadn't noticed.

Now pick a part. We're getting it pierced.

Maybe I'll just watch.

Exterior Atlanta, 1865. The city burns.

Yeah, that's more like it, guys.

Andy McDowell wanted to be a Southern Belle, and a Southern Belle she shall

Rizzo, go round up the cast and find Andy. Right, Chief.

Hey, you guys did really good. You can go text the monolith now.

I'll never know what they see in that thing.

And now, Muppets Tonight is proud to present...

Mean psychic.

Give it up.

Hi, I'm Carl, and I'm psychic.

Hi, I'm Alfonso de Bruzo, and we've never met.

And I'm going to tell Alfonso's future.

Okay, okay.

I sense that you're a Virgo who've eaten whole.

I find that hard to swallow.

I don't.

Thank you!

Hi there, Andy. There you are. Listen, we've got that Southern Belle sketch

sorted out you were interested in.

Southern Belle?

I don't want to do that. It's so 20 minutes ago.

But, but, but, Andy, you've got to do it. I mean, you know, the writers wrote

great scene, and the set is all done. All right, fine, I'll do it. But we want

it to have an edge, right, Bunsen? Big and an edge.

I think I'm tearing on it.

That's my boy.

Okay, the shark tank will be over there, and I'll be to spin it over at him.

Bunsen, honey, you're in a room, flaming hot cold, and then I'll douse you

with... Wait, wait, wait. That's it. Hold it. Stop it. I can't do this

This hair, these clothes, they are not me.

Then who are you?

I'm Dr.

Bunsen Honeydew, M .D., Ph .D., D .D .S., colon, backslash, W .W. dot com,

that's who I'll always be.

Well, all right, Bunsen, I'll respect that, but as for me, there's still a lot

more ventures out there. I want to climb the Alps. I want to run with the bulls

of Pamplona. I want to sit through a Pally Shore movie.

That's it, she snapped.

And although I've had a wonderful time with you, Bunsen, it's time for me to

on my chopper and go.

You have a motorcycle?

Well, not exactly.

What will you do?

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dear.

Well, there she goes, gentlemen.

Andy McGill, gone with the wind.

Well, I guess you got to play a southern belle after all. Hey, you writers did a

great job.

Wait a second, Kermit. You let a bunch of monkeys write this show?

Well, actually, they're all producers.

Last one to the monolith buys the bananas.

Now, of course, the episode Bread and Circuses was an absolute classic.

Captain Kirk did save the day, yes, but at the crucial moment, Sulu presses that

button on the cob.

Did you say meet me up?

What does that mean?

What a dull fellow.

Meet, meet, meet.

I thought he'd never leave.

Hello, my little friend.

Yes, yes, I am George Takei.

I did play Lulu on Star Trek.

Rather interesting story how I got that role.

Would you have a moment?

Congratulations.

Me eyeball.

Oh, my.

He lost his eyeball.

Congratulations. That's my boy.

That's my boy.

Man, oh, man.

What?

You're fired.

You're both fired. What? You're both fired.

What? Oh, yeah.

It's a walkout. Wait, I can't see it. It's a walkout. I can't see it from

Where's that from?

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