Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,179 --> 00:00:04,580
Ma. Ma. No, don't go for the cheese, Ma.
2
00:00:04,980 --> 00:00:08,119
It's a trap. No one leaves cheese lying
around an attic, Ma.
3
00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,500
Ma. Ma. Rizzo.
4
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:13,100
Rizzo. Rizzo. Hey, take it easy, Rizzo.
You're just having a bad dream.
5
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,540
Oh, oh, Gonzo.
6
00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:18,540
Wait a second, Gonzo. What are you doing
here? I thought Clifford gave everybody
7
00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:19,378
the week off.
8
00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:22,420
Oh, he did. I just came in to pick up my
nasal floss. Of course you did.
9
00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,560
Hey, hey, aren't you supposed to be
running that tape of the show we
10
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,580
last week? Oh, no, the tape. Oh, geez,
the tape. That's right. Oh, what did I
11
00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:30,349
with the tape?
12
00:00:30,350 --> 00:00:33,870
Oh, let me see. Oh, wait a minute. The
last thing I remember was... Oh, yeah,
13
00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:36,290
yeah. Carl and I were having a cheese
-eating contest.
14
00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:38,010
Then what happened?
15
00:00:38,210 --> 00:00:41,850
Well, this is coming back to me. There
was Carl and there was the video
16
00:00:42,630 --> 00:00:44,330
The tape got eaten!
17
00:00:44,590 --> 00:00:47,150
What? The machine ate the tape? No,
Carl!
18
00:00:47,450 --> 00:00:48,450
Carl ate the tape? No!
19
00:00:49,010 --> 00:00:50,330
Carl ate the machine!
20
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,250
Thank you!
21
00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,710
He does all that without mustard.
22
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,640
Oh, no. What are we going to do now?
23
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,660
Well, I don't know. Let's see. I got an
idea. I got an idea. Yeah, yeah.
24
00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:10,700
How about this? Suppose we just run the
best scenes from all of our shows hosted
25
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:11,920
by us, you and me.
26
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,560
Oh, wait a minute. Hosted by us? That's
ridiculous, Gonzo. You and me hosting a
27
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,080
show? Nobody's going to go for that.
28
00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,740
But we go on the air in one minute.
29
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,900
Well, what are we waiting for? We got a
show to host.
30
00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:23,260
I'll go get some tuxedos.
31
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:28,020
Carl, Carl, cue the opening credits and
don't eat them until they're over with.
32
00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:38,150
If you're a human being, take a break
from the race. Take a load off your
33
00:01:38,370 --> 00:01:42,690
watch the look of your face. Got a lot
to do, and we do it for you.
34
00:01:43,230 --> 00:01:45,030
Everybody take your place.
35
00:01:45,390 --> 00:01:46,390
Muppet tonight.
36
00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:48,330
Tonight,
37
00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:54,970
tonight. We got a show for you,
guaranteed brand new.
38
00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:24,830
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am
Gonzo the Great. As many of you
39
00:02:24,830 --> 00:02:29,390
probably know, Muppets Tonight has been
on the air for over 3 ,000 years.
40
00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:30,529
That's not right.
41
00:02:30,530 --> 00:02:31,970
Well, I'm approximating.
42
00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:36,930
In that time, we've had the opportunity
to launch the careers of many famous
43
00:02:36,930 --> 00:02:37,930
celebrities. Yes.
44
00:02:38,110 --> 00:02:42,670
Unfortunately, most of those tapes have
been lost, destroyed, stolen, or eaten.
45
00:02:43,010 --> 00:02:44,010
Yeah.
46
00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:48,490
However, a few of those early celebrity
appearances have survived.
47
00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:51,090
Let's watch, shall we? Yes.
48
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:54,390
Welcome to Muppet Match -Up.
49
00:02:54,590 --> 00:02:59,230
Let's get right to it, shall we, and
meet our new B -bachelorette, Miss
50
00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:00,370
Spiker -Manowitz.
51
00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:08,020
Welcome to the show, Michelle. Are you
ready to get down with the game? That
52
00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:10,820
would be far out, Kermit. Let's boogie
with our bad selves.
53
00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:16,820
Bachelor number one, I love a man with a
good sense of humor. What's your idea
54
00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:17,820
of a fun date?
55
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,160
Well, Michelle, first I would take you
to my lab where we'd scrape off some
56
00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,060
epidermis and examine the skin cells
from our bippies.
57
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,700
Bachelor number three, same question.
58
00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:32,380
Michelle! Michelle!
59
00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,380
Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
60
00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:35,740
Michelle! Michelle!
61
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,740
Michelle! Michelle!
62
00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,040
Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
63
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:40,600
Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
64
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,600
Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle!
Michelle!
65
00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:13,180
Are you guys lip -syncing?
66
00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,360
No, we ain't lip -syncing, fool.
67
00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,779
Yeah, don't make me come over there and
smack you, Ed.
68
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:20,339
Cronutera roll call. Broke out now.
69
00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:22,060
Stu!
70
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:23,740
Jumper!
71
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:25,720
Nope. Stu!
72
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:27,800
Cindy!
73
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,600
Robbie!
74
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:30,860
Stu!
75
00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,320
Stu! DiBolo!
76
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,040
Stu!
77
00:04:35,820 --> 00:04:39,260
That's enough, Stu. That's the fifth
time you've called out your name
78
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:40,580
Oh!
79
00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:49,830
Today is Friday, and what does that
mean, huh?
80
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,190
It's Friday!
81
00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:55,890
Well, yes, but it's also get -to -know
-your -frog -a -tear day.
82
00:04:56,470 --> 00:05:00,550
Oh, I like that. So today, let's meet
our newest frog -a -tear, Cinderella
83
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,430
Crawfordopolis. Yay!
84
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:04,970
Hi,
85
00:05:05,410 --> 00:05:08,590
Kermit. Hi there, Cindy. Why don't you
tell us a little about yourself? For
86
00:05:08,590 --> 00:05:09,830
example, what are your hobbies?
87
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:14,650
I like to dress up in really pretty
clothes and walk up and down my
88
00:05:14,850 --> 00:05:18,430
What would you like to do when you grow
up? The same thing, but get paid
89
00:05:18,430 --> 00:05:19,730
millions of dollars for it.
90
00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:24,870
And now here's our reigning disco queen,
Miss Piggy, with her new partner, Jason
91
00:05:24,870 --> 00:05:25,870
Alexanderplatz.
92
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,220
Yeah. Yeah. Well, those were some of the
stars of today.
93
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:02,420
But who, you ask, are the stars of
tomorrow? Well, you can be sure you
94
00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:05,400
seeing them in these neck clips. Well,
what the heck. Let's watch anyway.
95
00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:08,020
Return.
96
00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:16,500
I'm Seymour. I'm Pepe. We're two of a
kind. I'm a little bit forward.
97
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,160
And I've got a big behind.
98
00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,559
Say, Seymour.
99
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:20,379
Yes, Pepe?
100
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,460
What do you get when you cross an
elephant?
101
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,000
With a rhino. Gee, I don't know. What?
102
00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,240
Elefino.
103
00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:30,840
Elefino.
104
00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,580
Gee, Pepe, I don't think they get it.
105
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,300
Elefino. Why do I have to explain to you
people, okay?
106
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,080
Elefino. What? Tell me, Ellie. Elefino.
107
00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:47,620
And now, music lovers, all the way from
London's East End, Sid Canisius and his
108
00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:48,980
mosh pit ditto.
109
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:11,620
delicious rules.
110
00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,160
Yeah.
111
00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:16,920
Elephant. Elephant.
112
00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:18,380
Elef.
113
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,020
Rhino. Rhino.
114
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:23,500
I know.
115
00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:25,820
Elef I know.
116
00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:29,820
Unbelievable.
117
00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:46,260
For your musical entertainment, I bring
you a team of well -trained artillery
118
00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:48,520
shells. The refined young...
119
00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:53,000
Yo, Rizzo, this musical number is a hit.
120
00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:54,460
Yeah,
121
00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:55,860
a direct hit.
122
00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:01,700
That
123
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:08,300
was
124
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:14,580
surprisingly good. And speaking of
surprising, watch this.
125
00:09:17,380 --> 00:09:19,200
That's not exactly what I had in mind.
126
00:09:20,199 --> 00:09:24,000
Actually, I was just going to show a few
more clips, but I guess you can watch
127
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,900
while I try to put Gonzo back together.
128
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,180
Hey, Garth Brooks, my man!
129
00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:33,700
How you doing, buddy? Hey, welcome to
the show. Thank you, man, and I brought
130
00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:35,060
some good news. I've been thinking.
131
00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,219
Uh -oh.
132
00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:39,320
Can we do Garth Brooks stuff on
everybody else's show? But you guys,
133
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,320
say let's do something different?
134
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,920
Really? Like what?
135
00:09:54,790 --> 00:09:58,890
What seems to be the problem? Well,
Doctor, I see these strange creatures
136
00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,870
time I say the word phenomena.
137
00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:02,730
Do you mind if I try it?
138
00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:04,010
Sure.
139
00:10:04,630 --> 00:10:05,630
Phenomena.
140
00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:08,570
Phenomena.
141
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,010
Phenomena.
142
00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:12,510
Phenomena.
143
00:10:12,770 --> 00:10:13,770
Phenomena.
144
00:10:15,390 --> 00:10:16,390
Phenomena.
145
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,329
Phenomena. Phenomena.
146
00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:37,990
Hi there, Pierce.
147
00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,050
Hey, how's it going, huh?
148
00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:44,170
Well, it's going great, Connor, except
everyone's treating me like I'm James
149
00:10:44,170 --> 00:10:47,450
Bond, and I'm not. I mean, that's just
the character I play in the movies. Oh,
150
00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:51,750
yeah. You know, I mean, because in real
life, I'm not that swath of debonair at
151
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:52,750
all.
152
00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:56,350
Now, where did I put that high -powered
laser of death?
153
00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:57,600
Cotton swab. What?
154
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,940
Hey, this is the reason I moved out of
the Y.
155
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:05,680
I never knew life could be so thrilling.
156
00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:08,060
Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, sister.
157
00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,060
You want Cindy to fall in love with you,
listen to your headset, and repeat
158
00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:31,220
everything I say. Repeat everything I
say?
159
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,900
No, no, no, not yet. Oh, Jesus, here she
comes. Oh, Jesus, here she comes.
160
00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,240
Okay.
161
00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:39,820
Oh,
162
00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,860
hi, hi. Hi, Cindy.
163
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,720
Cindy, to me, you are like the nut and
berries of the forest.
164
00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,700
Cindy, to me, a nut like you should be
buried in the forest.
165
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,420
What exactly is that supposed to mean,
Bobo?
166
00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:57,440
Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one,
Fatso.
167
00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,500
Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one,
Fatso.
168
00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:02,900
Did you just call me Fatso?
169
00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,460
Yeah. No!
170
00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,980
I was yelling at my ear.
171
00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:11,140
Oh, hi, Uncle Rizzo. We just came back
from the fair.
172
00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,960
Hey, that's a nice set of balloons you
got there. Maybe you'll let me play with
173
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,040
them later. Maybe you'll let me play
with them later.
174
00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:18,260
What?
175
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,060
I wasn't supposed to say that one, was
I?
176
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,740
Here are some clips the critics love.
177
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:31,920
Let me just say right off the bat that
my client Martin Short is a huge fan of
178
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:32,920
the Moffat.
179
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,840
He's always talking about Moffat, Moffat
this, Moffat that, little Miss Moffat.
180
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,140
That's Moffat. He loves them too.
181
00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:44,040
I'm particularly wild about that chubby
pig.
182
00:12:44,260 --> 00:12:48,260
She is the hoot. I don't like the green
one, though. She frightens me.
183
00:12:49,910 --> 00:12:51,790
What's his name? That would be me.
184
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:53,170
Yes, I don't like you.
185
00:12:53,630 --> 00:12:58,190
Anyway, these are the requirements of my
client. He needs a super huge deluxe
186
00:12:58,190 --> 00:13:00,510
dressing room. He needs a catered kosher
meal.
187
00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:06,130
He's not Jewish, but he's just on a
little bit of a kick. And $100 ,000 per
188
00:13:08,090 --> 00:13:10,470
Gonzo, what do we have in the budget for
Mr. Short?
189
00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:16,670
Well, let's see. We've got tap water,
pretzel rods, and all the coins he can
190
00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,670
find in the sofa.
191
00:13:20,589 --> 00:13:22,030
You've got yourself a deal.
192
00:13:23,110 --> 00:13:28,350
Johnny Fiamma's just arrived. Make way
for the one, the only Johnny Fiamma.
193
00:13:28,370 --> 00:13:29,089
out of the way, you.
194
00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:30,490
All right, why don't you step there, Ma.
195
00:13:30,750 --> 00:13:32,490
Oh, be careful, huh?
196
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:36,590
Hello, sir. I am selling chocolate so
that my school can buy new books. Hey,
197
00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:37,309
hey, hey, hey.
198
00:13:37,310 --> 00:13:40,770
Over my dead body, Johnny Fiamma buys
one of them chocolates.
199
00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,630
Now get out of here, you punk.
200
00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:50,550
Hey, Sal, what'd you dropkick him for?
201
00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:52,170
He's just a kid selling chocolates.
202
00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:53,950
Yeah, right, Johnny, and I'm a monkey.
203
00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:59,130
Okay, Johnny, if you have a comment...
Come on, Ma. How's your bad arm, all
204
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,130
right?
205
00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,890
Once there was a little old ant.
206
00:14:03,350 --> 00:14:04,390
Thought he'd move.
207
00:14:05,690 --> 00:14:06,690
What'd you do that for?
208
00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:11,770
There was an ant on the table. I smashed
it. It was a musical ant. He was there
209
00:14:11,770 --> 00:14:12,770
for the song.
210
00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:14,030
Oh.
211
00:14:14,390 --> 00:14:15,390
Sorry.
212
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,540
It's going to be on that one.
213
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,640
Oh! Ow!
214
00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:50,060
Well, if you haven't guessed by now,
we're doing a best -of show. Yep. And
215
00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:53,120
best -of show is complete without clips
like these?
216
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,740
Merry Met Sally screen test. Take 73.
217
00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:02,520
Action. Oh, Captain Nouveau, what
happened with your hot date last night?
218
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,740
Oh, Sally, it was a disaster. She
canceled.
219
00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:05,940
She had a bad cold.
220
00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,010
Are you sure she had a cold?
221
00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:12,010
Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. I heard a
sneeze twice.
222
00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:16,990
Did you ever think she may have faked
the sneeze to get out of the date with
223
00:15:16,990 --> 00:15:20,430
you? Well, excusez -moi, miss I'm
-jealous -of -babe.
224
00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:24,770
You don't think that I can tell the
difference between a real sneeze and a
225
00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:25,770
sneeze?
226
00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:27,470
Nope.
227
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:51,490
have what she's having. Only less
pepper.
228
00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:57,610
And now, once again, it's time for great
moments in Elvis history.
229
00:15:58,070 --> 00:16:00,890
Tonight, the Declaration of
Independence.
230
00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:05,430
Say there, George Washington. What's up
there, Thomas Jefferson?
231
00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:07,890
Well, I was just wondering if you had
any more of that there.
232
00:16:08,330 --> 00:16:09,510
Cherry pie left.
233
00:16:09,790 --> 00:16:12,690
I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole
thing.
234
00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:14,370
Oh, mercy.
235
00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:17,610
Next week, Elvis of Arabia.
236
00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,340
Dang, it's hot out here.
237
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,560
And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery
Movie presents Jason Alexander as
238
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,540
Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented
Express.
239
00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:31,020
Oh, help, help.
240
00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:36,340
I've been motorized. Oh, no. Oh, my
goodness. Someone has killed Mr. Poodle
241
00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:40,160
Pants. Well, I'm not really hurt, you
know. I mean, this is a family show.
242
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,640
wouldn't really... You're ruining the
scene now. Oh, dear,
243
00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:45,399
it's a murder.
244
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,400
What do we do?
245
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,160
There's only one detective who could
solve this crime, and he's on board our
246
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:54,420
train, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, I
present Monsieur Hercules Poirot.
247
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,320
Everyone, please take your seats.
248
00:16:58,620 --> 00:17:02,560
Oh, I have a question there, Hercules.
Are you going to use your super strength
249
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,040
to lift up the train and shake out the
clues?
250
00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,079
Now, listen carefully.
251
00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:13,819
You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient
demigod from Greek mythology.
252
00:17:14,180 --> 00:17:15,980
I am Hercule.
253
00:17:16,929 --> 00:17:19,470
Koala, a fictional Belgian detective.
254
00:17:19,869 --> 00:17:23,150
But how do you hide your rippling
muscles under that puny little
255
00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:30,410
I do not think it is possible to
overemphasize what I am about to say.
256
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:34,850
I am not Hercules. Oh, I get it. He's
walking undercover.
257
00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:38,810
Don't get him mad. He'll rip up the
train tracks and tie them around your
258
00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:42,850
Yes, I might, if I was Hercules.
259
00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:44,210
But I am not.
260
00:17:47,409 --> 00:17:51,110
What are you going to do first? Fly
around the Earth backwards so you can
261
00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:53,430
reverse time and discover who really did
it?
262
00:17:55,670 --> 00:17:58,650
All right, first of all, I am not
Hercules.
263
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:02,470
Second of all, you are thinking of
Superman and not Hercules.
264
00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:06,750
And third of all, you cannot reverse
time by flying backwards around the
265
00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:09,970
I myself had a little problem with the
logic in that part of the film.
266
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,590
Jason, please, you're breaking
character.
267
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:14,740
I'm breaking character?
268
00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,340
You're supposed to be dead!
269
00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:19,880
This clown thinks I'm Superman and the
rest of these chuckleheads think I'm
270
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:20,880
Hercules!
271
00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:22,420
July 2nd, they arrive.
272
00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:24,960
July 3rd, they attack.
273
00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,140
July 4th, they begin therapy.
274
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,900
Oh, tell me, Meepzorp, why did you want
to blow up Earth? Because you stupid
275
00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,440
humans never listen to our needs.
276
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,100
Now, now, now.
277
00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:37,820
Let's try to talk this through.
278
00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:41,160
How do you feel about what Meatsorps
just said, Mr. President?
279
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:44,940
Well, first of all, ask them why the
aliens never told us what they wanted.
280
00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:48,940
just came and blew up the White House.
Hey, people cheered. Just the
281
00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:50,520
Republicans. And the Perot people.
282
00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:53,320
Leave Perot out of this. He's one of us.
Coming soon.
283
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,500
Codependence Day.
284
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,580
This time, it's interpersonal.
285
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,200
Well,
286
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,020
I got to introduce...
287
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,700
The musical clips, and I don't have a
clue what to say. Say it right.
288
00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:14,120
Yeah, I got them musical clips coming
up, but I don't know what to say.
289
00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:21,440
The producer's gonna be steaming at it
on his own today.
290
00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,580
I call her Firefly. Firefly.
291
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,280
She radiates moon glow.
292
00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:37,080
Wants none of that. That noon glow
starts to glitter when the sun goes
293
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:38,380
About 8 p .m.
294
00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:45,420
It's mayhem. She switches the brights
up, lights up, and gives me a call.
295
00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:47,500
Take me to the Firefly Ball.
296
00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:51,740
When we're free to love anyone we
choose.
297
00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,620
When this world's big enough for all
different views.
298
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:01,420
When we're all free to work on our own
kind of views.
299
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:07,580
We'll be right back. We'll be right
back. We'll be
300
00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:14,580
right back.
301
00:20:51,790 --> 00:20:57,270
Thank you. We here at Muppets Tonight
love to do television parodies. Some
302
00:20:57,270 --> 00:20:59,770
people might say that's biting the hand
that feeds us.
303
00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:03,950
What did you do that for? Well, you told
me to bite the hand that feeds me. I
304
00:21:03,950 --> 00:21:06,010
don't feed you with that hand. I feed
you with this hand.
305
00:21:07,450 --> 00:21:08,950
My mistake.
306
00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:14,510
Excuse
307
00:21:14,510 --> 00:21:25,370
me.
308
00:21:25,890 --> 00:21:30,090
Do any of you boys know where I can find
Champ Schwimmer?
309
00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:33,400
new assistant like us.
310
00:22:22,030 --> 00:22:25,110
Yes, Gonzo. These clips are great, but I
haven't seen any of my favorite
311
00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:26,390
moments. Which ones are those?
312
00:22:26,690 --> 00:22:27,690
The painful ones.
313
00:22:27,770 --> 00:22:32,410
All righty then. Well, here's a tape
that we call Muppets Tonight's Greatest
314
00:22:32,410 --> 00:22:33,410
Hits.
315
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,340
but it was in the script, huh? Nobody
told me that was a script.
316
00:23:53,760 --> 00:24:00,600
That was great, Gonzo. You know, we
really pulled it off. Yeah, nice work,
317
00:24:00,740 --> 00:24:01,760
old buddy. Thanks.
318
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,680
Hey, what are you two doing here?
319
00:24:04,940 --> 00:24:09,240
Well, we just finished broadcasting our
own show called The Worst of Muppets
320
00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,240
Tonight.
321
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,060
Really? What did you show?
322
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:13,840
The same thing you did.
323
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:24,700
Okay, okay.
324
00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:26,060
Elephant. Elephant.
325
00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:28,420
Elephant. Oh, fool.
326
00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:32,480
Don't tell me. If the ratings dip below
50, they're going to blow something up?
327
00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:33,500
Really, bitch?
328
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,300
Normally, as a matter of principle, I
would not do this number. But I am going
329
00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:39,860
to do it. And for no other reason but to
get this stupid off.
330
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:41,720
Stupid off? Stupid off.
331
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:43,660
Hey, guess what?
332
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,500
What? You made a boo -boo like I did.
333
00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:52,970
And even though I don't know who you
are, I agree with all... Can you speed
334
00:24:52,970 --> 00:24:53,970
up in the edit?
25189
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof