All language subtitles for Muppets Tonight s02e09 The Best of Muppets Tonight

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,179 --> 00:00:04,580 Ma. Ma. No, don't go for the cheese, Ma. 2 00:00:04,980 --> 00:00:08,119 It's a trap. No one leaves cheese lying around an attic, Ma. 3 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:09,500 Ma. Ma. Rizzo. 4 00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:13,100 Rizzo. Rizzo. Hey, take it easy, Rizzo. You're just having a bad dream. 5 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,540 Oh, oh, Gonzo. 6 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:18,540 Wait a second, Gonzo. What are you doing here? I thought Clifford gave everybody 7 00:00:18,540 --> 00:00:19,378 the week off. 8 00:00:19,380 --> 00:00:22,420 Oh, he did. I just came in to pick up my nasal floss. Of course you did. 9 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:25,560 Hey, hey, aren't you supposed to be running that tape of the show we 10 00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:29,580 last week? Oh, no, the tape. Oh, geez, the tape. That's right. Oh, what did I 11 00:00:29,580 --> 00:00:30,349 with the tape? 12 00:00:30,350 --> 00:00:33,870 Oh, let me see. Oh, wait a minute. The last thing I remember was... Oh, yeah, 13 00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:36,290 yeah. Carl and I were having a cheese -eating contest. 14 00:00:36,830 --> 00:00:38,010 Then what happened? 15 00:00:38,210 --> 00:00:41,850 Well, this is coming back to me. There was Carl and there was the video 16 00:00:42,630 --> 00:00:44,330 The tape got eaten! 17 00:00:44,590 --> 00:00:47,150 What? The machine ate the tape? No, Carl! 18 00:00:47,450 --> 00:00:48,450 Carl ate the tape? No! 19 00:00:49,010 --> 00:00:50,330 Carl ate the machine! 20 00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,250 Thank you! 21 00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,710 He does all that without mustard. 22 00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:01,640 Oh, no. What are we going to do now? 23 00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:05,660 Well, I don't know. Let's see. I got an idea. I got an idea. Yeah, yeah. 24 00:01:05,980 --> 00:01:10,700 How about this? Suppose we just run the best scenes from all of our shows hosted 25 00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:11,920 by us, you and me. 26 00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:15,560 Oh, wait a minute. Hosted by us? That's ridiculous, Gonzo. You and me hosting a 27 00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,080 show? Nobody's going to go for that. 28 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,740 But we go on the air in one minute. 29 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,900 Well, what are we waiting for? We got a show to host. 30 00:01:22,180 --> 00:01:23,260 I'll go get some tuxedos. 31 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:28,020 Carl, Carl, cue the opening credits and don't eat them until they're over with. 32 00:01:33,870 --> 00:01:38,150 If you're a human being, take a break from the race. Take a load off your 33 00:01:38,370 --> 00:01:42,690 watch the look of your face. Got a lot to do, and we do it for you. 34 00:01:43,230 --> 00:01:45,030 Everybody take your place. 35 00:01:45,390 --> 00:01:46,390 Muppet tonight. 36 00:01:47,330 --> 00:01:48,330 Tonight, 37 00:01:48,950 --> 00:01:54,970 tonight. We got a show for you, guaranteed brand new. 38 00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:24,830 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I am Gonzo the Great. As many of you 39 00:02:24,830 --> 00:02:29,390 probably know, Muppets Tonight has been on the air for over 3 ,000 years. 40 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:30,529 That's not right. 41 00:02:30,530 --> 00:02:31,970 Well, I'm approximating. 42 00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:36,930 In that time, we've had the opportunity to launch the careers of many famous 43 00:02:36,930 --> 00:02:37,930 celebrities. Yes. 44 00:02:38,110 --> 00:02:42,670 Unfortunately, most of those tapes have been lost, destroyed, stolen, or eaten. 45 00:02:43,010 --> 00:02:44,010 Yeah. 46 00:02:44,830 --> 00:02:48,490 However, a few of those early celebrity appearances have survived. 47 00:02:48,830 --> 00:02:51,090 Let's watch, shall we? Yes. 48 00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:54,390 Welcome to Muppet Match -Up. 49 00:02:54,590 --> 00:02:59,230 Let's get right to it, shall we, and meet our new B -bachelorette, Miss 50 00:02:59,230 --> 00:03:00,370 Spiker -Manowitz. 51 00:03:03,580 --> 00:03:08,020 Welcome to the show, Michelle. Are you ready to get down with the game? That 52 00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:10,820 would be far out, Kermit. Let's boogie with our bad selves. 53 00:03:12,140 --> 00:03:16,820 Bachelor number one, I love a man with a good sense of humor. What's your idea 54 00:03:16,820 --> 00:03:17,820 of a fun date? 55 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:22,160 Well, Michelle, first I would take you to my lab where we'd scrape off some 56 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:26,060 epidermis and examine the skin cells from our bippies. 57 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:30,700 Bachelor number three, same question. 58 00:03:30,980 --> 00:03:32,380 Michelle! Michelle! 59 00:03:32,720 --> 00:03:34,380 Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! 60 00:03:34,740 --> 00:03:35,740 Michelle! Michelle! 61 00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,740 Michelle! Michelle! 62 00:03:39,040 --> 00:03:40,040 Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! 63 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:40,600 Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! 64 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,600 Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! Michelle! 65 00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:13,180 Are you guys lip -syncing? 66 00:04:13,460 --> 00:04:15,360 No, we ain't lip -syncing, fool. 67 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:17,779 Yeah, don't make me come over there and smack you, Ed. 68 00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:20,339 Cronutera roll call. Broke out now. 69 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:22,060 Stu! 70 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:23,740 Jumper! 71 00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:25,720 Nope. Stu! 72 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:27,800 Cindy! 73 00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:29,600 Robbie! 74 00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:30,860 Stu! 75 00:04:31,640 --> 00:04:33,320 Stu! DiBolo! 76 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,040 Stu! 77 00:04:35,820 --> 00:04:39,260 That's enough, Stu. That's the fifth time you've called out your name 78 00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:40,580 Oh! 79 00:04:47,550 --> 00:04:49,830 Today is Friday, and what does that mean, huh? 80 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,190 It's Friday! 81 00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:55,890 Well, yes, but it's also get -to -know -your -frog -a -tear day. 82 00:04:56,470 --> 00:05:00,550 Oh, I like that. So today, let's meet our newest frog -a -tear, Cinderella 83 00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:02,430 Crawfordopolis. Yay! 84 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:04,970 Hi, 85 00:05:05,410 --> 00:05:08,590 Kermit. Hi there, Cindy. Why don't you tell us a little about yourself? For 86 00:05:08,590 --> 00:05:09,830 example, what are your hobbies? 87 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:14,650 I like to dress up in really pretty clothes and walk up and down my 88 00:05:14,850 --> 00:05:18,430 What would you like to do when you grow up? The same thing, but get paid 89 00:05:18,430 --> 00:05:19,730 millions of dollars for it. 90 00:05:20,330 --> 00:05:24,870 And now here's our reigning disco queen, Miss Piggy, with her new partner, Jason 91 00:05:24,870 --> 00:05:25,870 Alexanderplatz. 92 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,220 Yeah. Yeah. Well, those were some of the stars of today. 93 00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:02,420 But who, you ask, are the stars of tomorrow? Well, you can be sure you 94 00:06:02,420 --> 00:06:05,400 seeing them in these neck clips. Well, what the heck. Let's watch anyway. 95 00:06:07,020 --> 00:06:08,020 Return. 96 00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:16,500 I'm Seymour. I'm Pepe. We're two of a kind. I'm a little bit forward. 97 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,160 And I've got a big behind. 98 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:19,559 Say, Seymour. 99 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:20,379 Yes, Pepe? 100 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,460 What do you get when you cross an elephant? 101 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,000 With a rhino. Gee, I don't know. What? 102 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,240 Elefino. 103 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:30,840 Elefino. 104 00:06:32,820 --> 00:06:34,580 Gee, Pepe, I don't think they get it. 105 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:38,300 Elefino. Why do I have to explain to you people, okay? 106 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,080 Elefino. What? Tell me, Ellie. Elefino. 107 00:06:41,620 --> 00:06:47,620 And now, music lovers, all the way from London's East End, Sid Canisius and his 108 00:06:47,620 --> 00:06:48,980 mosh pit ditto. 109 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:11,620 delicious rules. 110 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,160 Yeah. 111 00:07:14,940 --> 00:07:16,920 Elephant. Elephant. 112 00:07:17,380 --> 00:07:18,380 Elef. 113 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,020 Rhino. Rhino. 114 00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:23,500 I know. 115 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:25,820 Elef I know. 116 00:07:28,820 --> 00:07:29,820 Unbelievable. 117 00:07:42,380 --> 00:07:46,260 For your musical entertainment, I bring you a team of well -trained artillery 118 00:07:46,260 --> 00:07:48,520 shells. The refined young... 119 00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:53,000 Yo, Rizzo, this musical number is a hit. 120 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:54,460 Yeah, 121 00:08:54,860 --> 00:08:55,860 a direct hit. 122 00:09:01,100 --> 00:09:01,700 That 123 00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:08,300 was 124 00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:14,580 surprisingly good. And speaking of surprising, watch this. 125 00:09:17,380 --> 00:09:19,200 That's not exactly what I had in mind. 126 00:09:20,199 --> 00:09:24,000 Actually, I was just going to show a few more clips, but I guess you can watch 127 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,900 while I try to put Gonzo back together. 128 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,180 Hey, Garth Brooks, my man! 129 00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:33,700 How you doing, buddy? Hey, welcome to the show. Thank you, man, and I brought 130 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:35,060 some good news. I've been thinking. 131 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,219 Uh -oh. 132 00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:39,320 Can we do Garth Brooks stuff on everybody else's show? But you guys, 133 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,320 say let's do something different? 134 00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:41,920 Really? Like what? 135 00:09:54,790 --> 00:09:58,890 What seems to be the problem? Well, Doctor, I see these strange creatures 136 00:09:58,890 --> 00:10:00,870 time I say the word phenomena. 137 00:10:01,370 --> 00:10:02,730 Do you mind if I try it? 138 00:10:03,010 --> 00:10:04,010 Sure. 139 00:10:04,630 --> 00:10:05,630 Phenomena. 140 00:10:07,570 --> 00:10:08,570 Phenomena. 141 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:11,010 Phenomena. 142 00:10:11,510 --> 00:10:12,510 Phenomena. 143 00:10:12,770 --> 00:10:13,770 Phenomena. 144 00:10:15,390 --> 00:10:16,390 Phenomena. 145 00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,329 Phenomena. Phenomena. 146 00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:37,990 Hi there, Pierce. 147 00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,050 Hey, how's it going, huh? 148 00:10:40,290 --> 00:10:44,170 Well, it's going great, Connor, except everyone's treating me like I'm James 149 00:10:44,170 --> 00:10:47,450 Bond, and I'm not. I mean, that's just the character I play in the movies. Oh, 150 00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:51,750 yeah. You know, I mean, because in real life, I'm not that swath of debonair at 151 00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:52,750 all. 152 00:10:53,570 --> 00:10:56,350 Now, where did I put that high -powered laser of death? 153 00:10:56,600 --> 00:10:57,600 Cotton swab. What? 154 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,940 Hey, this is the reason I moved out of the Y. 155 00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:05,680 I never knew life could be so thrilling. 156 00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:08,060 Oh, you ain't seen nothing yet, sister. 157 00:11:25,960 --> 00:11:29,060 You want Cindy to fall in love with you, listen to your headset, and repeat 158 00:11:29,060 --> 00:11:31,220 everything I say. Repeat everything I say? 159 00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,900 No, no, no, not yet. Oh, Jesus, here she comes. Oh, Jesus, here she comes. 160 00:11:37,240 --> 00:11:38,240 Okay. 161 00:11:38,820 --> 00:11:39,820 Oh, 162 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:42,860 hi, hi. Hi, Cindy. 163 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:46,720 Cindy, to me, you are like the nut and berries of the forest. 164 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:51,700 Cindy, to me, a nut like you should be buried in the forest. 165 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,420 What exactly is that supposed to mean, Bobo? 166 00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:57,440 Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one, Fatso. 167 00:11:57,720 --> 00:12:00,500 Oh, brother, you sure muffed that one, Fatso. 168 00:12:01,380 --> 00:12:02,900 Did you just call me Fatso? 169 00:12:03,180 --> 00:12:04,460 Yeah. No! 170 00:12:04,760 --> 00:12:06,980 I was yelling at my ear. 171 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:11,140 Oh, hi, Uncle Rizzo. We just came back from the fair. 172 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:14,960 Hey, that's a nice set of balloons you got there. Maybe you'll let me play with 173 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:17,040 them later. Maybe you'll let me play with them later. 174 00:12:17,260 --> 00:12:18,260 What? 175 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,060 I wasn't supposed to say that one, was I? 176 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,740 Here are some clips the critics love. 177 00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:31,920 Let me just say right off the bat that my client Martin Short is a huge fan of 178 00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:32,920 the Moffat. 179 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:37,840 He's always talking about Moffat, Moffat this, Moffat that, little Miss Moffat. 180 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:40,140 That's Moffat. He loves them too. 181 00:12:40,860 --> 00:12:44,040 I'm particularly wild about that chubby pig. 182 00:12:44,260 --> 00:12:48,260 She is the hoot. I don't like the green one, though. She frightens me. 183 00:12:49,910 --> 00:12:51,790 What's his name? That would be me. 184 00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:53,170 Yes, I don't like you. 185 00:12:53,630 --> 00:12:58,190 Anyway, these are the requirements of my client. He needs a super huge deluxe 186 00:12:58,190 --> 00:13:00,510 dressing room. He needs a catered kosher meal. 187 00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:06,130 He's not Jewish, but he's just on a little bit of a kick. And $100 ,000 per 188 00:13:08,090 --> 00:13:10,470 Gonzo, what do we have in the budget for Mr. Short? 189 00:13:11,550 --> 00:13:16,670 Well, let's see. We've got tap water, pretzel rods, and all the coins he can 190 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,670 find in the sofa. 191 00:13:20,589 --> 00:13:22,030 You've got yourself a deal. 192 00:13:23,110 --> 00:13:28,350 Johnny Fiamma's just arrived. Make way for the one, the only Johnny Fiamma. 193 00:13:28,370 --> 00:13:29,089 out of the way, you. 194 00:13:29,090 --> 00:13:30,490 All right, why don't you step there, Ma. 195 00:13:30,750 --> 00:13:32,490 Oh, be careful, huh? 196 00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:36,590 Hello, sir. I am selling chocolate so that my school can buy new books. Hey, 197 00:13:36,610 --> 00:13:37,309 hey, hey, hey. 198 00:13:37,310 --> 00:13:40,770 Over my dead body, Johnny Fiamma buys one of them chocolates. 199 00:13:40,970 --> 00:13:42,630 Now get out of here, you punk. 200 00:13:48,810 --> 00:13:50,550 Hey, Sal, what'd you dropkick him for? 201 00:13:50,750 --> 00:13:52,170 He's just a kid selling chocolates. 202 00:13:52,410 --> 00:13:53,950 Yeah, right, Johnny, and I'm a monkey. 203 00:13:55,590 --> 00:13:59,130 Okay, Johnny, if you have a comment... Come on, Ma. How's your bad arm, all 204 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:00,130 right? 205 00:14:00,250 --> 00:14:02,890 Once there was a little old ant. 206 00:14:03,350 --> 00:14:04,390 Thought he'd move. 207 00:14:05,690 --> 00:14:06,690 What'd you do that for? 208 00:14:07,310 --> 00:14:11,770 There was an ant on the table. I smashed it. It was a musical ant. He was there 209 00:14:11,770 --> 00:14:12,770 for the song. 210 00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:14,030 Oh. 211 00:14:14,390 --> 00:14:15,390 Sorry. 212 00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,540 It's going to be on that one. 213 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,640 Oh! Ow! 214 00:14:45,400 --> 00:14:50,060 Well, if you haven't guessed by now, we're doing a best -of show. Yep. And 215 00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:53,120 best -of show is complete without clips like these? 216 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,740 Merry Met Sally screen test. Take 73. 217 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:02,520 Action. Oh, Captain Nouveau, what happened with your hot date last night? 218 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,740 Oh, Sally, it was a disaster. She canceled. 219 00:15:04,940 --> 00:15:05,940 She had a bad cold. 220 00:15:06,250 --> 00:15:08,010 Are you sure she had a cold? 221 00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:12,010 Yes, I'm sure she had a cold. I heard a sneeze twice. 222 00:15:12,410 --> 00:15:16,990 Did you ever think she may have faked the sneeze to get out of the date with 223 00:15:16,990 --> 00:15:20,430 you? Well, excusez -moi, miss I'm -jealous -of -babe. 224 00:15:20,930 --> 00:15:24,770 You don't think that I can tell the difference between a real sneeze and a 225 00:15:24,770 --> 00:15:25,770 sneeze? 226 00:15:26,470 --> 00:15:27,470 Nope. 227 00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:51,490 have what she's having. Only less pepper. 228 00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:57,610 And now, once again, it's time for great moments in Elvis history. 229 00:15:58,070 --> 00:16:00,890 Tonight, the Declaration of Independence. 230 00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:05,430 Say there, George Washington. What's up there, Thomas Jefferson? 231 00:16:05,870 --> 00:16:07,890 Well, I was just wondering if you had any more of that there. 232 00:16:08,330 --> 00:16:09,510 Cherry pie left. 233 00:16:09,790 --> 00:16:12,690 I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole thing. 234 00:16:12,950 --> 00:16:14,370 Oh, mercy. 235 00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:17,610 Next week, Elvis of Arabia. 236 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:19,340 Dang, it's hot out here. 237 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:24,560 And now, Muppet Masterpiece Mystery Movie presents Jason Alexander as 238 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:27,540 Poirot in Murder on the Disoriented Express. 239 00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:31,020 Oh, help, help. 240 00:16:31,220 --> 00:16:36,340 I've been motorized. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. Someone has killed Mr. Poodle 241 00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:40,160 Pants. Well, I'm not really hurt, you know. I mean, this is a family show. 242 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:43,640 wouldn't really... You're ruining the scene now. Oh, dear, 243 00:16:44,700 --> 00:16:45,399 it's a murder. 244 00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,400 What do we do? 245 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:50,160 There's only one detective who could solve this crime, and he's on board our 246 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:54,420 train, folks. Ladies and gentlemen, I present Monsieur Hercules Poirot. 247 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,320 Everyone, please take your seats. 248 00:16:58,620 --> 00:17:02,560 Oh, I have a question there, Hercules. Are you going to use your super strength 249 00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:05,040 to lift up the train and shake out the clues? 250 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,079 Now, listen carefully. 251 00:17:08,460 --> 00:17:13,819 You are thinking of Hercules, an ancient demigod from Greek mythology. 252 00:17:14,180 --> 00:17:15,980 I am Hercule. 253 00:17:16,929 --> 00:17:19,470 Koala, a fictional Belgian detective. 254 00:17:19,869 --> 00:17:23,150 But how do you hide your rippling muscles under that puny little 255 00:17:23,430 --> 00:17:30,410 I do not think it is possible to overemphasize what I am about to say. 256 00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:34,850 I am not Hercules. Oh, I get it. He's walking undercover. 257 00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:38,810 Don't get him mad. He'll rip up the train tracks and tie them around your 258 00:17:39,390 --> 00:17:42,850 Yes, I might, if I was Hercules. 259 00:17:43,190 --> 00:17:44,210 But I am not. 260 00:17:47,409 --> 00:17:51,110 What are you going to do first? Fly around the Earth backwards so you can 261 00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:53,430 reverse time and discover who really did it? 262 00:17:55,670 --> 00:17:58,650 All right, first of all, I am not Hercules. 263 00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:02,470 Second of all, you are thinking of Superman and not Hercules. 264 00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:06,750 And third of all, you cannot reverse time by flying backwards around the 265 00:18:06,950 --> 00:18:09,970 I myself had a little problem with the logic in that part of the film. 266 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,590 Jason, please, you're breaking character. 267 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:14,740 I'm breaking character? 268 00:18:15,080 --> 00:18:16,340 You're supposed to be dead! 269 00:18:16,580 --> 00:18:19,880 This clown thinks I'm Superman and the rest of these chuckleheads think I'm 270 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:20,880 Hercules! 271 00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:22,420 July 2nd, they arrive. 272 00:18:23,180 --> 00:18:24,960 July 3rd, they attack. 273 00:18:25,660 --> 00:18:28,140 July 4th, they begin therapy. 274 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,900 Oh, tell me, Meepzorp, why did you want to blow up Earth? Because you stupid 275 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:34,440 humans never listen to our needs. 276 00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,100 Now, now, now. 277 00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:37,820 Let's try to talk this through. 278 00:18:38,020 --> 00:18:41,160 How do you feel about what Meatsorps just said, Mr. President? 279 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:44,940 Well, first of all, ask them why the aliens never told us what they wanted. 280 00:18:44,940 --> 00:18:48,940 just came and blew up the White House. Hey, people cheered. Just the 281 00:18:48,940 --> 00:18:50,520 Republicans. And the Perot people. 282 00:18:50,780 --> 00:18:53,320 Leave Perot out of this. He's one of us. Coming soon. 283 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,500 Codependence Day. 284 00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,580 This time, it's interpersonal. 285 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,200 Well, 286 00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,020 I got to introduce... 287 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:08,700 The musical clips, and I don't have a clue what to say. Say it right. 288 00:19:08,920 --> 00:19:14,120 Yeah, I got them musical clips coming up, but I don't know what to say. 289 00:19:14,540 --> 00:19:21,440 The producer's gonna be steaming at it on his own today. 290 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,580 I call her Firefly. Firefly. 291 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,280 She radiates moon glow. 292 00:19:31,940 --> 00:19:37,080 Wants none of that. That noon glow starts to glitter when the sun goes 293 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:38,380 About 8 p .m. 294 00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:45,420 It's mayhem. She switches the brights up, lights up, and gives me a call. 295 00:19:45,580 --> 00:19:47,500 Take me to the Firefly Ball. 296 00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:51,740 When we're free to love anyone we choose. 297 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:56,620 When this world's big enough for all different views. 298 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:01,420 When we're all free to work on our own kind of views. 299 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:07,580 We'll be right back. We'll be right back. We'll be 300 00:20:07,580 --> 00:20:14,580 right back. 301 00:20:51,790 --> 00:20:57,270 Thank you. We here at Muppets Tonight love to do television parodies. Some 302 00:20:57,270 --> 00:20:59,770 people might say that's biting the hand that feeds us. 303 00:21:01,450 --> 00:21:03,950 What did you do that for? Well, you told me to bite the hand that feeds me. I 304 00:21:03,950 --> 00:21:06,010 don't feed you with that hand. I feed you with this hand. 305 00:21:07,450 --> 00:21:08,950 My mistake. 306 00:21:14,150 --> 00:21:14,510 Excuse 307 00:21:14,510 --> 00:21:25,370 me. 308 00:21:25,890 --> 00:21:30,090 Do any of you boys know where I can find Champ Schwimmer? 309 00:21:31,340 --> 00:21:33,400 new assistant like us. 310 00:22:22,030 --> 00:22:25,110 Yes, Gonzo. These clips are great, but I haven't seen any of my favorite 311 00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:26,390 moments. Which ones are those? 312 00:22:26,690 --> 00:22:27,690 The painful ones. 313 00:22:27,770 --> 00:22:32,410 All righty then. Well, here's a tape that we call Muppets Tonight's Greatest 314 00:22:32,410 --> 00:22:33,410 Hits. 315 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,340 but it was in the script, huh? Nobody told me that was a script. 316 00:23:53,760 --> 00:24:00,600 That was great, Gonzo. You know, we really pulled it off. Yeah, nice work, 317 00:24:00,740 --> 00:24:01,760 old buddy. Thanks. 318 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,680 Hey, what are you two doing here? 319 00:24:04,940 --> 00:24:09,240 Well, we just finished broadcasting our own show called The Worst of Muppets 320 00:24:09,240 --> 00:24:10,240 Tonight. 321 00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:12,060 Really? What did you show? 322 00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:13,840 The same thing you did. 323 00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:24,700 Okay, okay. 324 00:24:24,980 --> 00:24:26,060 Elephant. Elephant. 325 00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:28,420 Elephant. Oh, fool. 326 00:24:28,900 --> 00:24:32,480 Don't tell me. If the ratings dip below 50, they're going to blow something up? 327 00:24:32,500 --> 00:24:33,500 Really, bitch? 328 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:37,300 Normally, as a matter of principle, I would not do this number. But I am going 329 00:24:37,300 --> 00:24:39,860 to do it. And for no other reason but to get this stupid off. 330 00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:41,720 Stupid off? Stupid off. 331 00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:43,660 Hey, guess what? 332 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,500 What? You made a boo -boo like I did. 333 00:24:46,820 --> 00:24:52,970 And even though I don't know who you are, I agree with all... Can you speed 334 00:24:52,970 --> 00:24:53,970 up in the edit? 25189

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